Good evening at the 26th off January, 2020

Good afternoon everyone.

Today was for getting to know the woman next door, by inviting her and A member off the Leviaan health care staff for coffee and home made oatmeal applepie. I had three slices left from A baking, and I decided to invite my neighbour. She's not very populair in our neighbourhood, she's known for being unreliable and dangerous, (She's known for taking profit off people) yet she comes off very cheerfull and friendly. So I decided to not take on this on my own, and simply invite some back support (Who was gladly to take my invitation as she's always fond off my bakings and loves to volunteer when it comes to that) to help me with this.

The fellow client I invited is an elderly lady in her sixties with short grey hair and glasses.

My neighbour has asked me a few times to invite her, so I did yesterday. She didn't extremely misbehave, she was actually kind and we had chit-chat talks like neighbours do, yet I believe we don't have much off A connection on most matters, so that was probably for only once and not much more than once after that. But it was usefull to actually to get to know people. At least I did my part. I think I got rid off something that could be dangerous, simply by not having A personal click with her. But maybe I'm over-speculating on this. Well, at least the applepie got appreciated.

*

And January goes by, winter makes people gloomy yet I feel like this winter is A bit better than usuall, at days when I feel like not getting out off bed and staying in all day. I feel lucky to have A community centre nearby where I can have coffee with people and share being creative. I got appreciated in my new neighbourhood pretty well. It's much better than to be A lonely soul. 

About the mess with health care providers- it's getting solved and I'm changing locations and people pretty soon, without much issues these days. The stars are on my side this year, aside to my Guardian Angel. (I somehow believe I have one.) Things go A little more easy these weeks. They have no problem with re-locating me. Somehow I feel like I say goodbye to the wrong people. I only have the current people for A short time, while the previous ones where the people who had me under their care for years. It feels A bit unfair to have my exit-talk with the current morrons, but I think I'm far better off at the new location.   

I felt pretty well these weeks. It's not as bad as it was previous years. I invite people over at my home sometimes, to help me get rid off bakings and home cooked dinners. I love that. Especially when it got appreciated by people that I cook for them and me being A good cook. Validation can be the air underneath my wings at times when I feel bad. 

Thank you for reading, this is about it for today. 

Yours sincerely, 

XXX- Maaike. 

  

Switches in health providers, and issues with that.

Good afternoon everyone.

I got A bit annoyed by my psychiatric health provider, Dijk en Duijn Fact Zaandam. 

They have changed A lot off people there previous period. I have A new psychiatrist, My psychologist decided I was done with her therapy sessions, and the personal health worker had been changed A few years ago already and it's A bitch - I'm sorry to say that- she's messy with our appointments, skips appointments all the time and when I'm feeling bad, she lacks making new appointments and she doesn't remind me off my appointments so I keep on forgetting them aswell, I decided to keep track off A calendar and An agenda this year, to avoid skipping appointments. I haven't seen her in ages, also at points where I could use A professional to keep an eye on my health.

People at my protected living organisation got fed up with them being such A mess with my health, and decided I have to switch to Fact Wormerveer. (Same institute, other place where it's provided.) Because they have good experiences with them, it's just that my personal health worker blocks that idea, since she has to give permission to switch, and my psychiatrist keeps telling me to try to talk things over with her to clear things up, but it just doesn't seem to work. Sometimes, it's better to stop with certain people than to try over and over again. The story goes on...  now people from the protected living organisation have asked me personal to ask them to switch me to other places. I'll give it A try. It's all super annoying these days.

I find it troublesome that it's my mental health they decide on, and that's in their hands to keep me on track and sane in life. I had no issues with my previous health providers. They where nice, but the current people are not suitable for me.

 

Good evening at the 3th off January, 2020

Good evening everyone.

-New years resolutions-

I hope you enjoyed your change off decades. That only happens every 10 years, after all. So I hope at least it wasn't troublesome for people. I hope you had fun.

My year starts with A 'I start off with A diet and watching my calories.' mood. - That's almost A January tradition for me personal. Previous year, I couldn't bring up the energy to start watching my weight because I was as depressed as  the proverbal doorknob. This year, I can bring it up and get started, but somehow, I usually have bad luck with me when I wish to diet.

It's always as if people decide to share all the bad yet good tasting foods at the point where I start to diet. Yesterday, it was slagroomtaart (cake with filling and decorations because to celebrate the new year) and today it was shawarma, I had plans to go out grocery shopping to buy healthy foods, but I didn't leave my home because off the rain and got lazy and easy going with my day. So I gave in to eating at 'de Boed.' community centre where they served shawarma with A lot off fresh garlic sauce, (The consequence off that decision will follow me like- bad breathe..-) A side salad with A lot off vegetables and pommes duchesse. I love shawarma, it's one off my favourite foods but it's not A healthy choice. At day three, things started to work against my diet plan. I decided to re-try tomorrow, however. If this whole period continues with all off that fatty foods, I think I better try to avoid 'de Boed.' and prepare my own meals. I love taking part at 'de Boed.' at their coffee moments and meal time, But I have to give healthy eating A proper chance.

 Somehow it's as if my doctor Guardian Angel is guiding me in loosing weight, I already got complimented on looking slimmer after only three days, and I think that's due to being more active in life this winter. At least I'm not keeping myself inside and hide from the world all the time. Life got better this year, but to shake previous year off, I also have to loose the weight it gained me. 

However, I kept at my resolution to drink less coffee today, since I have issues to sleep well every night, and I suspect it being due to my coffee intake every day. I enjoy myself some coffee most off the time, but I saw A link between that and my sleeping issues, so I decided to cut. I hope I'll keep up with that.

Tomorrow is for healthy grocery shopping at the local street market, and bringing A broken fan to A repair café. It's  A new fan and it broke during this summer. Can you imagine the discomfort off the heath last year... I hate tropical summers. I hope this year I can do something about it being unbearable by loosing A good amount off weight.

Allright, that's it for today.
Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 19th off December, 2019

Good evening, everyone.

A blog about A few positive things, things I've been enjoying lately. Instead off feeling so wrapped up and depressed, I Fight winterdepression and madness this year! Or at least I'll give it A try. These things may seem pretty old fashioned or simply basic, but I love it and it works


1. Flowers, situating flowers in fancy vases and flower photography: 

I happen to have A thing for white flowers, and yellow flowers. They lend themselves pretty well to be photographed and they cheer up many A dull room with their delicacy, allure and prettyness. And they don't take space forever. This flowerbush is already spoiled and gone, but somehow I think every now and then fresh flowers and vases are worthit the splurge 

2. Star anise in A lot off bakings 

This is A tarte tatin I made some time ago and star anise combined with conference pear is heaven in my mouth, Alike the taste off star anise in A lot off things, I love it. I felt a bit weary about the taste off star anise in some receipes, but I tried anyway and I'm glad I did.  

These cookies are supposed to be the shape off A house, I have A cookie cutter that shape, but they denied their shape, blew up due to baking powder in the receipe and became out off the box. I made these cookies A little from scratch, but Star Anise sure was one off the main flavours. Some cookies even became to look worse, but their taste was perfect. Like you wish your December cookies to taste.


3. My christmas tree.

It's cluttered and A bit tiny, but who cares, it's perfect just the way it is in my living room. It feels as if I'm taking part off the hollidays, and simply participating with the holiday spirit feels better than denying it and keep everything dull around the house. It works for me. 

Life has been A bit buisy lately, but in A positive way. Despite being A bit overworked these days I experience things to be A lot better than in my old appartment. 

That's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading! 

XXX- Maaike. 

Good evening at the 19th of November, 2019

Yesterday, I heard A voice in my head, - that's not the best source for information, but it was something that got me angry, and in the mood even for writing on this suspicious weblog.

It told me there is A rumor going on about me hating on fellow fat people. - FYI, that's not  true. I'm A big fan off body postive roll modelling, and body positive images, since I know like no other what it's like to be big. I don't know why A voice in my head told me that, alongside that I'm A pervert for hitting on ladybugs. (This is some sort off true, I'm afraid. I had an imaginairy, human like ladybug named Hector for quite A long time, and I loved him. I believe he helped me out soon after moving, but I really did came to love him like I woul love A crush, but he's some sort off gone off now. I have tried to draw him some time ago, but I doubt whethether I should share it. He was pretty cute, though.)

Allright, back on topic. I'm not someone who hates and harasses other fat people. I think everyone is worthit. I hate to be devaluated for being ugly and fat, so I would never for real do so on someone else. However, it's A rumour in my head about stupid people thinking so off me. Why would I even bother re-starting A blog and defend myself on something that just happened in my head? Probably because it got me still angry. The voice was gone off after my angry outburst to him. (Most off the time, voices aren't that intelligent and fade after you reply to them with A sincere wit. People should try that more often: If you have voices in your head, simply talk back to them, tell them their wrong and see what happens. It works for me.)

I'm not depressive anymore. I got nice neighbours and more on hand to keep me buisy than I had last year, I'm doing much better than before. But I say that everytime I think I'm doing well, to find out after A while that I didn't do well in that certain period.

 How are we doing then? - Tired, fallen out off love recently, but I'm also proud I didn't steal someone from their relationship. I kept my appropriate distance instead off  causing trouble, and I deserve A pat on my shoulder for that. I got my surrounding and my hobbies (I bake every often for the nearby community centre, which is most off the time highly appreciated.) which keep me on track. Even if I'm not actually doing well without being aware off it, I feel like life is going nicely and things work out well for me.

I'm not American, I live in the Netherlands, but I know it's thanksgiving soon, I wonder if I should make A pumpkin pie this week to share A bit in that spirit. Really, how can you hate fat people and being this fat yourself, if you love food so much? That just doesn't make true sense. Fat girls love their foods and just can't do without.

Allright, that's it for this evening. Thank you for reading.

XXX- Maaike.

Good evenig at the 8th off September, 2019.

Good evening everyone,

This end off the week has been A tragic one. My favourite pet (A ginger and white cat named Elmo. We had him for about 8 years and he was always so gentle and cuddly. I remember to have raised him from kitten on when I still lived at my mom's house and how I was so proud he had become such A nice cat.) has been run over by A train two days ago, I have been off my mind with sadness for two days, and I've eaten about three bars off chocolate because off that. To set my mind off off things and to soften the pain, probably- but it didn't work. I'm still emotional.

There also has been A suspicious bagpack yesterday at the large bus stop at Zaandam station just when I went out to shop at the saturday street market. They had to drop off the environment untill security services arrived, I got on the first bus that would stop near my destination to get out off that situation as soon as possible. As far as I know, nothing dangerous has happened at Zaandam station, but it has been 'such A weekend.'

If things like this don't happen, life goes by quite calm and A bit boring at times. But I guess it's better than to be stressed out by hectics. That's probably why I don't blog so often anymore. Things go too well to rant about 😉 Though I would still call myself A bit moody at times. Hopefully it won't be A long and gloomy winter this year.

My cat is my main point off sadness for this week, he was such A true friend, and one  off the few living creatures who could truly call themselves A real friend off mine. Emotion-wise. I had A loving bond with him. He will be missed by our entire family for A long time. 😭 I had almost forgotten I could be so sad and crying out loud about something like I did yesterday.

Thank you for reading, and for taking your time to read this.

Yours sincerely-
XXX.-
Maaike. 

A little explaination

I have given him my all, that's all I can say about it.

I have given this fight in psychiatric health care my utmost best because he was stuck in my head, and I can't tell you this in A more mild way. It would understate the cause, that would be A waste.

I have lost my mind and my nerves because off mister X. But he doesn't seem to be mutual interested. I have send him letters and post cards with explaination but I doubt he has received them at all.

This is how unfair life can get, I do sob over it, I have had emotional break downs (Despite being A bit in love with A new crush) but he seems to have abandoned me. I think that's unfair. I have broken up with everyone in the Fantasy scene because off to have been broken and mistreated by so many off them over the years. It was much better to have left them than to have wasted my time and to have stayed stuck with them.

I feel mis understood on A lot off levels. And I don't take the role off morron or coward upon myself, I have fought real life battles beyond most people's level off understanding. I doubt most would have taken it as good and brave upon them as I have done. And that is something that deserves to be said.

I'm probably on A diffrent level off emotional understanding than A lot off people. I think if something deserves the award for 'meanest low-life on earth.' Then it's Vana Events as A whole in my case. I doubt this will be understood. But have any off you ever lived in an appartment crowded with violent drug criminals and can say they have left perfectly unharmed after about 6 months? I can. Can any off them say they have lived in A health organisation for mental people without being harmed by other violent inmates and dealt with it quite gracefully, like I did? I loathe Vana Events for ignoring all off this and pretending everything is just fine. I'm glad I have left them and I'm proud I can stick up my nose against them by now. I think that's quite fair after all that has happened. I got so angry previous year, I couldn't stop myself from violently breaking up with the fantasy scene.

Violently, by using words that have been on my mind for ages. People can be fakely nice so they won't harm people, or they can finally speak up what's on their liver and live on freely again. I did the last. I feel relieved for being done with them. It felt as if there has always been something unspoken between us that made things only more uneasy with time. I'm glad I spoke up, and to be honest, most alternative people are on A level off understanding about their self-imagined live and so hypocritical sensitive, they're uneasy to talk with. I can't deal with such idiocy most off the time though I have neatly tried. And tried- and tried, but then I exploded and everything came out. I know I'm better done with them forever, as that feels better for me, and for them aswell. They aren't the ones to respond to me anyway, despite sticking up their noses arrogantly whenever being faced with me. And in the begining, I wasn't as impossible as I am nowadays. Nothing equals nothing. It should equal nothing but then again, I feel hurt. They claim to be overly sensitive, but I'm always the one who ends up being hurt and harmed by them. Not the other way around. It's salt on personal wounds they pretend not to see.

I wonder how A person and A case like mine could have ended up so blown up idiotically anyway. That's not my fault, let me tell you that. It's jealousy from them that has made this so uneasy and impossible. I have given it my best to end it, and to set things right from the beginning on- but it was never heard and ruined over all the time. And I can assure you that is true.

I hope you haven't ended up with A headache after reading this,

But proud to keep you informed-
XXX- Maaike.