Good evening at the 24th off August, 2020.

Good evening everyone,  

Warning: This weblog might scare people. 

The weather has changed, it's autumn-like and it's colder and more rainy these days. I found a receipe in a super market folder last week, and I thought it would be perfect to celebrate late summer with. 

The end off this month is always sensitive in my family. We've had several losses which have taken place recently and I hope when they look down on us from the other world, they don't feel offended by my baking kick these days. I have been making a banana bread this weekend, and an applepie today. Usually, those things are inappropriate when you mourn and it's not ment to offend (dead) people when I feel like baking so much these days. I prabably feel uneasy about it myself. Next year, I have the idea I won't take on the end off august offensive for my family. May they rest in peace. 

So, today was for grocery shopping and baking. I need my hobbies more than ever these days. I have a certain issue these days with a neighbour with a crime record. I found out these days he is violent and has an alcohol problem. He has been sued by court several times, and he even made it to the newspaper with it. He rattles people's doors at midnight and sometimes he even harasses people who live here with threathenings and physical fights. One off these events even made it to the newspaper, as said. I feel like it's a whole lot to take on this, though I decided to involve my living organisation, the police and as many authorities as possible for this nightmare off a neighbour. I wish I could laugh about it to lighten up, but it's hard for me to take on this without crossing mental borders.

 I have been involved in cases with such neighbours before, but I can't help but think it's very hard to have this matter again going on in my life. It never seems to end, unfortunately. For the first time as far as I can remember, I feel unsafe. I can't explain why I feel like it's too much to handle this time. Though I decided on to take on this as good and as bad as I possibly can as this has to be solved. I'm glad people in my surrounding are very helpfull in solving this issue. I wish the government and the police would take on this seriously and do their job with this guy for once. And that's what makes me frightened: This man is taken on too lightly by authorities. I can't take on him myself, I would be in life threathening danger if I would. (I believe I'm lucky for them not to understand English as well as I do. Or reading my weblog anyway.) What are we to do with this if authorities don't keep us safe from people like that? I decided to live on despite everything, but that would be easier if my surrounding would work with for once.         

Good evening at the 17th off August, 2020.

 

Good evening everyone, 

The heath wave has faded, there have been a few big thunder storms in between moments off hot weather and the country is finally cooling somewhat down. It's still hot aside from occassionally thunderstorms. I've heard a lightning crack nearby, but I can't see it from out my window. Hopefully they can do something about it, where ever it has striked.  

Today it's just like any other monday, with every other monday stuff (grocery shopping with a small group off fellow clients and a care taker) I mention I have food cravings again. I have been sober and intelligent with my food intake the previous months. But these weeks I can't help but snack on sweet stuff like ice cream and chocolates. I should be watching my weight... but it's a bit harder these weeks than usuall. I'm pretty overweight by the way. I have been gaining a lot off weight the previous years and it's hard for me to have done so. I wish food wasn't such a mental, psychological issue but more something people could mentally perfectly handle with logic and reason instead off becomming slaves to an industry which just wants to make billions out off people. It's unfair and too hard to mentally handle. If I ever would become a tolerable weight... 

Medicines make it even more hard to truly loose weight as they are hooligans for your system. I just choose to take them out off safety reasons for myself and my surrounding. I choose to work with with  mental health care instead off becomming something unacceptable for my own peace off mind. I know I've done the best thing possible in my situation. Except that it comes with the price off getting fat and mentally and physically slow due to heavy meds. I wish I had the controll over these side effects. It would make life more easy. If I wouldn't accept health care this way, I would have been death. About that much I'm sure. But I refuse to die. I'm not the kind off person to give up. 

Yesterday was a nice day, despite it being the day my father died 8 years ago. I have been making some good foods for de Boed, I hope the old man looking down on me from the other world wasn't too angry about me to have made a cheesecake and some creamsicles out off yoghurt and bananas for fellow clients. I didn't do so to celebrate anything, but for the love off cooking good foods. And to set my mind off off things. Though it might have seemed a bit respectless to do so during that day. I loved my father. He doesn't deserve to be disrespected by me. But maybe, he doesn't mind about me making all off that. Because his life ended hard and painfull, so it's a tiny bit off a celebration that that day the suffering finally ended for him. Somehow I had that in mind while being at it. I hope he understood, where ever he was yesterday. 

At this moment, I feel more at peace with this life myself. I don't have the urge to die anymore, while sometimes when going to bed, I thought to myself: 'I don't mind if I would be taken to death this night and not wake up tomorrow morning.' - I don't think that anymore at this moment off being. Life on earth isn't so bad after all. Hopefully it will last quite some time for me.

Freedom is something some souls on earth can experience. It's the best thing I'm capable to feel, despite being on the down side off society. Freedom is such a good feeling, just like perfection. It's a certain feeling I describe as the feeling off being truly free. I would never, ever like to give up on that feeling for anything or anyone. Especially not for any type off relatioship. Strange as it may sound. In my freedom, I choose to remain respectfull towards myself and put my feelings first. If something isn't allright with people or situations, I break up with them and get myself togheter. No matter how painfull or long that experience is for me. Freedom and peace off mind are the most important things in life. I don't mind if people think off me as a jerk when I say I usually put my own feelings first above theirs. Not to a point where I become impossible because 'everything hurts my feelings.' but rather to a point where I cut ties with people and wreck things if it's not allright with me (anymore) I have learned to keep at that point after to have done so. A step backwards is often a bad step in my case. I have to move on. That works better. 

Allright, that's about it for this weblog this evening. 

I hope you enjoyed reading.          

 

  

Good evening at the 10th off August, 2020.

 Good evening everyone, 

A heath wave has stroke the Netherlands. Days and nights are hot for our doing, it's impossible to do anything for me, aside from relaxing and taking life lightly these days. I don't like summer heat, like I said somewhere before, probably. 

I'm in a mood for grief. It's mid-august, and it's been about 8 years since my father has passed. He died at august 16, 2012. Somehow I believe, in the afterlife, he wouldn't want me to grief or cry for too long. I haven't had time to grief ever since it took place, only every often I have cried. Most off the time, too much was going on in my life to truly cry. It was a hard time back then. I was 20 for only 11 days when it happened. Our family had major issues, like with our house and I had my first diagnosis short before that happened. I believe it's been due to a lot off stress that took place during that year. All off it had been too much and I have battled most things all alone. I didn't have much understanding from people. I had no close friends in my surrounding and I was failing at school because off being behind. (I performed quite good grades, but I couldn't keep up with school) Life was too hard. Most people in Castricum (My old home town) where indiffrent about me. Comming to think off it, it was no suprise for me to catch up a mental disease. I still think about that time often. 'What if things turned out diffrent? Then I would have had a job, an income and more stability in my life.' 'I could have made it if things hadn't been so harsh.' 'I wouldn't have been a psychiatric patient if I could have made it.' Things like that occured my mind constantly. I hang up a lot about having a good job and good living qualities, but the previous 8 years have been a cruel nightmare. Protected living isn't as good for it's patients as it's supposed to be. My issues didn't fade untill I ended up living somewhere safe.

Still I can't cry for myself. Though it's been enough in my opinion. I deserve stableness and a good life where I can finally truly heal. I should put my life at the first place instead off agreeing with things and situations that might be too much or too dangerous. Back then I did those things because I didn't have a choice. To start living with my family again was no option. Somehow I know I have done things others would have backed out from, and which make me more brave and emotionally more mature than most people. I find it hard to find emotional or mental connections with most people. Not much people are understanding enough in my opinion. I wish people wouldn't judge me so hard like they always have done. Usually I kept what was going on for myself, though expecting more maturity and understanding from individuals which have let me down below ground levels. Usually I keep up a brave face but I think it's time to start to think off my own personal matter over doing what others want me to do. Or for what I think off as 'the public matter.' which actually often makes a fool out off me so it wasn't worthit at times. 

What do I think is good for -Me- ? What would I truly want to do in a certain situation? What do I truly want to do with life without getting myself into trouble? Or becomming the laugh off other people, as I hate that most off the time. I don't mind being mis understood, but for my own lack off sense, I don't like to put myself below standards (Which I've never done. I'm all faith, bravery and honour when I come to think off it. But how to protect myself from over-doing it so I won't be harmed?) and give people a strange impression. I have cut ties with a lot off people the previous years and I believe it was a good thing as I feel more air in my mind to breathe and tell for myself what is right or wrong. I don't think that's a bad thing. Less attachment to wrong people leads to more mental freedom. Which feels right. 

I doubt people have seen through and truly know me for who I truly am, but I think the people I have in mind about that aren't deserving to truly know me. I have been distant towards most people my own way. I feel like I had the perfect right to do so, and to avoid people and places who would have done harm to me if I would have sought to fight them. Which I have never done. I believe I should put my own importance first over much more matters and do what's good for me much and much more. 

I believe the ending off this story hasn't been in sight soon. But the ending off this weblog is. 

Thank you for reading.       

I feel relieved from gut issues

Good evening everyone, 

Warning: This is a blog about my physicall health and I don't know if people like to read personal and gross stuff like that. Still, I wish to share it somehow. 

I called General Practice two weeks ago about it, and they told me it was time to see them since I have these issues for a long time and call them every often about it, but now they felt like I had to visit them for it. 

Somehow I told them I suspected it to be an interaction between foods, hot weather and medication. I couldn't lay my finger on it. After looking up the side effects to one off my mental medications we found out gut issues are along the side effects. Unfortunately I'm not capable to give up that medicine. 

I got told that that didn't matter, that it could be over-active guts and that they had medication for that. I accepted and I'm thankfull I got common sensed about it.   

I got a medicine named Mebeverine (Translated it would spell 'Mybeaverine.') and it works, it relieves stomach pain and stops the worst side effects that come with that. Today I had a little issue with my guts but it doesn't hurt as much as it would without the Mebeverine, which isn't known for having any dangerous side effects. So it all works out perfectly so far, except that my appetite has increased and I feel the urge to eat healthy stuff instead off high calorie intakes like I used to. Like you might know- I'm on a healthy eating mission and I wish to eat more healthy this period off time. 

I have watched a video on YouTube which stated that mental health starts in your gut. Aside from having a less painfull stomach, I feel less fear from delusions. As if something strange has started to solve delusional issues and makes me feel a bit less haunted by them when I'm alone. I don't know if that is due to the gut medicine. But you're probably known with the term 'gut feeling.' and it somehow has more effects than only one. It's like the 7th to 5th best thing I have ever done / accepted to give a try in my life and I'm not over-acting.  

Allright, that's about it, 

Thank you for reading and following my blog. 

 

I'm not allowed in.

Good evening everyone,  

There is a country across the ocean made off rocket high dreams and I'm not allowed in. 

I've heard that, if you happen to have a psychiatric disease, you're not allowed into the U.S. You have to fill in a form with that question and if you reply with 'yes.' then you're simply not allowed into the United States. It's the same category as terrorists and criminals. I've always wished to see it there at least once in my life but now it turns out that is never going to happen because off my disease. 

I feel bad about it since I have this disease for my entire life and now I'm never, ever going to visit the U.S because off that. 

I'm a well behaving Dutch citizen, I don't have a record or any history with crime, I don't do bad things. I feel a bit offended because off that rule. I see why dangerous people with a mental handicap aren't allowed in, but there are mild cases like me who behave perfectly and are proud off that. I get easily tired, A trip to the U.S would cost me a fortune on money and energy. I don't know if I could withstand the flight to there alone, but still- I wish I had the right to enter.   

Cruelty free computers and smartphones

It may sound like a nightmare to some, but it could mean freedom to others. 

What if all large computer companies would develop computers which can be updated to no extend, but would take it slow on new versions which actually don't vary that much from older versions, simply to safe child slaves in cobalt mines (and other mines which bring up raw materials for technology) ? 

Or what if these large companies would make those mines child slave free? And make sure mining is done by educated adults with digging machines instead off poor helpless, defenseless children in third world countries with no rights? Wouldn't that make computers and smartphones much more fair / cruelty free? 

I support for that idea as I think it's perfectly possible. Humans can do perfectly without 10 new versions off smartphones (1 version a year) or hyper modern computers, as long as the stuff works perfectly without imperfections. It's not a bad thing to stay on the same machine for a long time, as long as it's system can be developed and improved. Not its hardware as that takes human sacrifices.  

Good evening at the 4th off August, 2020.

Good evening everyone, 

Tomorrow will officially be my 28th birthday. I have nothing special planned for that day, except for preparing soup for the wednesday lunch at de Boed for everyone, Like every week. 

This sunday I celebrated my birthday with just my mom, her husband and one off my brothers. I had some major trouble preparing the cake since the electricity in my small kitchen had a power faillure the saturday ahead and no one could fix it since it was during a weekend. On top off that, the crust to my cheesecake fell on the floor after I decided to make a non-bake cheesecake at my table instead off at my counter top. I could save the day at sunday morning by preparing some good tasting muffins with chocolate and nuts. I had the luck my oven still worked and I make these muffins a lot so luckily I could serve my family something sweet that day. (They loved my muffins. They even had three off them each with their coffee and tea, so I feel content) 

Today all kitchen electricity got fixed and everything is put back to work again. Somehow I suspect my water boiler to have spoiled water at some place where it caused a power failure. Luckily everything got almost back to normal today. I'm glad I'm a solution oriented thinker instead off panicking over things. Though I lost it a bit after dropping the planned cake's crust. Luckily I had some help cleaning it up, and talking me out off frustration and fear, telling me that it's perfectly okay, and that things like this happen to everyone once in a while. I kept on thinking I was cursed that day. But luckily things got solved.  

I went to work today after they fixed my kitchen and I feel exhausted from drawing in a few cardboard cows. These are going to be made into children's treats which will be sold per about 20 in case people look for children's birthday treats to hand out to classmates for example. My boss is happy with my work since I decided on giving my version off these cows all kinds off coloured spots instead off just black and white and draw cute large eyes on their face instead off small dots. I took some creative freedom with that task.

Here is an example off my work. I think I'll put on a picture off all off them alltogheter after I finished this project. I work slow but consistent. 

That's the trick with mental people: Don't pressure things or hell would break loose. Though I still find it hard to stick to mental borders as they aren't always clear to me. I decided on taking it slow on this project, however. And it helps. I still find joy in this compared to when I would pressure myself too much over it. No company would accept that, that's why I prefer a job like this over real work. I just wouldn't be able to handle a real job. Still I like to work and do what is possible to take part in society. It may sound easy and low- key, but I feel exhausted after a day like this. Exhausted, but satisfied with myself. 

Allright, that's about it for this weblog. 

I hope you enjoyed reading.