Good afternoon at the 30th off August 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today, at summer's end, it's finally warm and sunny and it's predicted that the entire week will be like this. It was too warm outside for a coat. It's not truly summer, but it's warm. Autumn is in the air, but it's sunny. 

*

A fruitcake, dusted with powdered sugar and gone yesterday but still - Picture worthy- 

A blue painting with a gold motive not worthit the fights it causes, 

And three rocks with the same idea. All off these should not cause an atmosphere off fights, but they did every day I was onto them. It's pretty weird, huh? The rocks have several shades off blue and a shade off light green, blended into each other and messy golden dots on top. I remember being onto it a bit loud and a care-taker asking me if I was allright while overthinking out loud what was on my mind. I don't know what to do with these for now. They're fun to make and I would like to make a several more. I hope de Boed will be more calm when I'm onto my next art projects. 

Today was for grocery shopping. I decided to go to a supermarket off the route, I went to one I go to sometimes when I don't feel like going with the others in the van. It's quite a bus ride ahead to where I live and it's a small supermarket in a small mall, but it's cheap and it has a nice lunchroom on the ground floor and a drugstore I also entered. I had my groceries and drugstore supplies, and a nice lunch in the cafe, and then went back home. Today has been exhausting as it was, doing all that. For some people it's not much, for me, it's enough for a monday.   

Tomorrow will be for a bloodtest. I lack even more energy than usuall today so it seems. I have called off my job tomorrow for that bloodtest, so I can take it easy the entire day. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good evening at the 29th off August, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was rainy, cloudy, gloomy and there was no sun ray in sight. 

*

I have been switching a medicine from morning to evening. It's been rough since I have to get used to that and somehow I feel it keeps me from sleeping. Sleep is sacred to me since I desperately need it to function. The reason for the medication to have been switched, is that the InVega drains energy during daytime so by putting me on it in the evening, they hope the worst effects occur during night when I sleep so I can be more energetic during daytime. So far the theory, when it comes to it I think I can't sleep due to it. I don't know why, but I have the idea taking too much medication at the same time gives me some kind off a medication kick which keeps me from sleeping. I've had two nights without any sleep at all now. I think we can say it doesn't work for me, unfortunately. I don't know what the psychiatrist is going to say: Keep on trying and hoping it will fade, or switch back to the old pattern and let me live with general tiredness and bad levels off energy all the time. 

At morning, I could finally sleep a few hours but I don't like the feeling it gives me for now. The cocktail off medication in the evening has a weird effect on me, unfortunately. 

The rest off the day I spend on baking cake with golden raisins and dried prunes which I served warm during coffee this afternoon. I found out today that cake with dried fruits is best served warm as it does something for the flavor. Usually I keep my cakes an evening in the refridgirator to be served cool the next day, but today I handed out a warm cake. I learned something new today and people loved it, nevertless. 

It's one off the best things in life, sharing food with people and brighten up an otherwise boring sunday for them. Giving presents is fun and for me it comes with a good feeling for myself in return. I believe in the philosophy that 'It's good to give.' for both me and the person receiving something. Sharing (preferably own made) food, sending nice postcards and giving special gifts all have that feeling for me. (I'm old-fashioned, I send postcards with heartfull messages to people.) I'm also good at picking stuff for people. If I do say so myself. I have somewhat off a sense and a general overvieuw on what suits someone so it's usually appreciated what I do. Then again, -It's good to give.-  

I finished my painted rocks today, tomorrow I will upload a picture off them but it's as if they're cursed. When applying lacquer to them, two people started to fight each other and yelling at each other while I laid a finishing hand on my work. It doesn't deserve to be cursed, I used such nice colours and patterns for them and you'd rather expect something good to happen when you see what I've made. Sometimes the world works a bit weird and it's not my intention to make stuff which causes fights. I feel as if the therapeutic effect off my work has benefitted me somehow. I was thinking off the new century. How at the beginning off 'the age off Aquarius.' Everyone had such high hopes for positivity, but how it worked out rather contra on the world. The world is rather going insane instead off truly healing. I felt frustrated about that. I made pretty works, but maybe the surrounding picked up on my vibrations which caused people to cause drama among each other. That was not my intention. But maybe 'de Boed.' is a boiling point anyway during weekends when it comes to drama and I picked the wrong time to be onto artwork. It's just how you prefer to see it. A madhouse will be a madhouse at times, no matter what. 

Despite bad omens, I feel inspired to create more stuff and paint more stuff since I found it helpfull to get over with some feelings. Art therapy and mindlessly painting stuff a certain way feels good. Anyway, it's finished and tomorrow I hope to leave my audience just as questioned as myself on how such art can cause an atmosphere off fights. Or at least liking what I made somewhat. 

These times are dark, but with what I'm doing I hope to create a little light. Not always clear to some, but I hope to cheer people up with food and positivity in daily life. I'm lucky the older generations are still sensitive for that and I'm capable to do what I have in mind with them without them misunderstanding or acting weird on it. Food, colourfullness and kindness still do good to people. (Kindness is the intention when I don't feel exhausted and drained from medication. In that case I can come off as a crank and have to look after myself first. I'm not egocentric in daily life, just a bit more onto myself when it comes to that. I believe you should never get yourself into true danger when you can avoid that and keep guard off your own well-being when it's required.) I'm not a care taker and I have no understanding off what is good for mental patients, but I do know how to mildly entertain a crowd to make them feel a bit better. I'm also a good singer and I sing for them when there is music on the program. They love me singing for them in the microphone. One off the best things about all off this? All off those compliments which do truly good for me. I love my audience as they love me. 

Allright, that's about it. - 

Thank you for reading.        

Good evening at the 25th off August, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold and cloudy today. There has been no rain, and it's the perfect weather for soup. A large pot off fresh made soup. 

*

Today was for excellent Morroccan Harrira. A filled Morroccan soup with lentils and chickpeas, amongside a ton off fresh vegetables and spices. It was one big succes at de Boed today for Wednesday Soup. It was one off my bigger successes when it comes to soup making. Strictly seen it wasn't vegetarian since I used a few chicken broth cubes alongside the vegetable broth but it was nevertless one off my best soups.  

It's the perfect weather for excellent cooking today. Life starts it's old routine after school holidays, and it's best to make the best off it instead off feeling there is nothing to look forward to. Officially, summer is at it's end and Fall starts next month. It's kind off this period off change you should seek comfort or challenge in what the season offers in food and receipes. Hmm. I'm probably talking nonsense. Fall is the big cullinairy season. Still I think you should eat plenty off vitamins this season to keep from getting sick during the cold. Especially with a pandemic at it's end, it's important to stay fit. It's also one off the best seasons to eat a ton off mandarins and oranges as they come at their best in stores. It's also a good period to eat berries, like raspberries, blueberries and blackberries as they're at their best now in the west off Europe. 

It's said that if you 'eat with the season,' you get in all nutritients you need during that season each year and it's not a bad idea since it's also an affordable way to eat. I hear you thinking while reading about the berries 'It's an excellent season to eat muffins.' It's a way to get in your dose off fresh berries, I believe I'm going to be guilty on this one, but take note you also get in a lot off damaging carbs and fats that way. I shouldn't complain about that, I'm guilty when it comes to berry muffins. It's not something I should officially recommend as a healthy food to the audience, though. But I understand your point. Berry desserts are just too good. 

I feel tired but content today. It's been a while since I felt that way. I feel less scared from crime, but it's still no good atmosphere at de Boed. I wish you could see inside my head to see the diffrence. I feel better at this day and a bit 'refreshed.' But I can't say what caused that. I still don't dwell in overly positive energy, but somehow I'm not scared anymore and I can't explain why. I still have a long way to go from here untill I feel better, though. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you for reading.    

De Boed during weekends

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It has been nice weather for today, it's strange how my mind wasn't in for it. I rather wanted it to rain and gloom, like any other day but that might be a bit crazy for some. It's also been the first day off school today for schoolkids. 

*

I have been low on energy for a while. I feel drained from energy and it's hard to decide where that comes from as I have always been low on energy and often tired. Maybe I should watch my food better and not just eat whatever I like. I believe in the power off good foods and healthy foods but most off the time it's hard for me to resist sweet foods. I try to hold on to more healthy, however. I haven't kept myself to it this month. I could whine about other things. I could also whine about still being recognized in the streets by people for to have been on the Vana Events forum. That happened this week while I was off for a walk around the corner. His friend said something along the lines off 'She's nice.' when he looked at me, but that wasn't his intention. I felt rather complimented for someone calling me nice over being looked at by a punk. That happened this weekend, other than that the weekend was just a frightfull but in general boring one seen what actually did happen in my life. Nothing but a short walk and having coffee, and being looked at as if I was some sort off mega star in a previous life. Hahaha. 

At night I couldn't sleep so I baked cookies, and Sunday was even more depressing. de Boed on Sunday is usually a boring place. Except for excellent sandcookies (If I do say so myself) nothing interesting happened. We even had a plain meal people complained about. Psychiatric health is ment to keep you calm but it's often a spirit less place during sundays. I happened to have painted a few rocks several shades off blue with golden dots, and one canvas with the same idea and it looks nice, I felt inspired, but while doing that two times a fight broke out with people yelling at each other (Allright, that's not boring. But it wasn't truly fun to be creative on Saturday.) I'm even tired from the weekend. It wasn't a weekend to rest. This is what you would call a madhouse these days. People in psychiatric health care usually aren't calm and peacefull, they can be violent and agressive and dangerous and that's why they are kept here at a safe place under protection. I'm not a prissy either, but I wouldn't shout agressiveness out loud or be violent to people. It's getting more insane by the day. Care takers are trying to get me calm with talks and words, but sometimes even I had it up to here. 

I wish I had an option to choose a diffrent life, one away from this madness. I feel so vulnerable these days, that is not a good thing.

Allright, that's about it- thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 23th off August, 2021.

 Good evening everyone,

It's been sunny today, while the entire week has been rainy and depressing. It hasn't been summer this year, I don't know if that's a good thing and what this does to mankind in the Netherlands the rest off this year. I think it can't be good but maybe I should be glad it hasn't been too hot outside this year. That's a plus for me since I'm very big. I can't stand too hot weather. 

*

I'm tired all the time, I feel sucked out off energy and I'm probably depressed again and in mourning. It's been this month where a lot off relatives died in other years. I feel stuck with my youth trauma's and I have been talking a lot with care takers, but everytime I tell them the same story about my past again and it doesn't seem to solve mental pain or the sadness I feel. I told you I was about to give myself some space these years to heal and give my emotions space to be instead off hiding them away and shoving them under. As it's been enough. I wish to truly heal my issues. 

Zaandijk is becomming a criminal place. There have been robberies, violence, cars set to fire and explosions this year and de Boed is getting a nasty place for people yelling and fighting each other all the time, and there have been ambulances all the time since a lot off people had to go to the hospital this year, there has been one almost every day on front off the buildings. I feel unsafe in my own house and it's not been something that has been 'just in my mind.' As a lot off incidents have made it to the local newspaper so I have proof it's not fake what I've witnessed. It's been a lot these months and it's traumatic so far. I suppose it's no suprise I stand weak on my feet and almost can't stand it. I have had a bad night off sleep last week, overthinking everything that's been going on and feeling incredibly unsafe. 

I made use off the occasion to bake cookies that night to set my mind off off things, but I didn't feel good when I handed them out to de Boed. Most off the time I highly enjoy it when people love my treats, but that Sunday I felt bad after I did so. Probably due to the feeling that surrounded the making off my sand cookies. (I made sand cookies) The world is going crazy. People got stabbed and murdered almost every night so it seems. A dark and unpleasant atmosphere is surrounding us these years. A few doors next to me, in the same hallway, there lives a violent criminal who slams his walls all the time and who is drunk a lot. He has even made it to the local newspaper with a violent act previous year. And there have been strange people on the Gortershof terrain this month, which we (the clients) got warned for by health care staff. It's never been this insane before. Last night I dreamed there was a suspicious man in my house and I had a hard time waking up to do something about it. It was a really scary dream. I have told my health care staff about feeling unsafe and they try to comfort me over it all the time I mention, but it's hard. Today I even felt physically weak by current events. I'm a 6 foot tall, big woman but these happenings are a bit too much off a good thing for me. I don't know what to do since I'm dependent on health care. 

I mainly try to keep a cozy home and stay safe inside and lock my door each night. If I was a free person with a job, I would move places. It's beyond a point where it's tolerable what's happening. I know I can't almost withstand current day's issues but I can't do anything about it. I think I either get more mental, or grow insanely strong once all off this is done and the world is back to normal again. Whenever that will be, will that ever be? I don't know how much longer I have to take what's going on these days. I'm tired and weak on my legs. That's all I know for now. The criminal side is a side most tourists never see about this area off the Netherlands. But it's the painfull truth nowadays. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good afternoon at the 7th off August, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cloudy and rainy and your average Dutch summer weather. It's allright there to have been no forest fires in this country this year, and it's a good thing for it not to have been hot in general. But that's most that there can be said about it.

*

This morning I went out to the pastry counter to HEMA's and got an order off three scrumptious cakes for my small birthday party on sunday. I have had my birthday the 5th off August. This year at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk and I made them two quark tarts and they sung for me and it was a nice small party this year for everyone attempting there. 

This morning I have Hector the Ladybug asking me to write a blog since he has been missing them. He wants me to write today since he reads them. Maybe I do have a fan somewhat looking like Hector the Ladybug but I'm not certain off it- I never got responses on this weblog. But who knows he does. Hector is some sort off a mythical guardian angel ladybug who comments on things in my head every often. 

Aside to cakes I bought myself some nice clothes in shops for larger sized women. I felt a bit insecure in Zaandam city centre about how I looked. I have gained a lot off weight and I slack in make-up and grooming. I usually don't care too much about it, but today it hit me somehow. Maybe since I started to pay attention to men again. I don't know where it came from, but I have a 'type.' off man that catches my eye sometimes. I don't know what to do with myself when I see a man like that since he's so handsome and sweet looking. I think I don't fit at all with it and it's hard. I had a long time before where I didn't care much about men and even believed I was not straight anymore. I had that mayor crush on a man in Leiden but that was mainly in my head and it was far away and safe. This moment off time and space sometimes I have men catching my eyes in real life. I have to dust off myself an awfull lot and overcome a lot off problems before we can even get to the point off 'A man in sight.' it's not fair.  

 I bought nice clothes and got an order from the pastry counter, had an ice coffee on my way and decided to take place on a bridge with benches, and then went for lunch to a place where they serve breads and drinks hile it started to rain. Then went on my way home on the bus. I have the feeling tomorrow will be a good day since I have a lot off cake and other foods for my family. 

What am I to do? It always seems the kind off man I fall for sees me when I'm at my worse. They never show up when I'm dressed nice with a hint off make-up. That happens quite a lot and I don't think I'm charming that way. I fall in the category 'obese.' and I still feel somewhat depressed this time and day. Why did my brain came up with the brilliant idea to 'Like a certain type.' and take note off it again? I feel awfull about myself when I start to mention things and care again. My type is blonde and lean and handsome and cute. A modern elf somehow. I don't just like any guy, I'm picky in my taste. He doesn't even has long hair since guys like that where such a turn down and behave like pigs nowadays. My standards are high. 

My type is cute and reserved, though he seems so nice and handsome and cute but I have the feeling it's not for me since I'm such a drama. It's a cold and rainy summer, and I bet I don't have a man with christmas knowing me. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. I hope Hector the Ladybug is pleased with this.     

Good afternoon at the 3th off August, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today was cold and cloudy. In ancient Ireland, Lughnassadh (Which was the 2nd off August) marks the beginning off Celtic autumn and this year you could defenetely sense a change in the atmosphere by that mark off the sunwheel. I wish to try to be pagan, despite not much pagans like me back. I'm probably a bit too much off a temper for them but it's legid to celebrate this and the 8 solar solictices each year despite to have turned my back to CF and Vana. It's a public good for those who wish to believe. It's not Vana's property. 

But so far, you can almost sense autumn has started early this year and there haven't been a true summer in general. 

*

This evening was for trying baked fruit out off my oven and it was a nice dessert. I got that from 'The naked chef.' (Jamie Oliver's first book.) and I dolled it up with whipped cream. Almost unnecessairy to say it was good and as soon as I find out how to bake them perfect, I'm going to give this a try as the end off a home dinner with people I wish to invite after the Corona Crisis is gone. It wouldn't have been me if I wouldn't have taken pictures off this dessert. 

The oven baked peaches could have been a little more oven baked, but they where juicy, sweet and warm. And the whipped cream probably did it in this dessert. I have to find it out myself for the biggest part, and next time probably plums and apricots aside to the peaches. Jamie Oliver says you can also side this with a scoop off ice cream or sweetened creme fraiche and that makes a lot off possibilities. It's not a solid receipe, mainly an idea on which you can work on to create an endless variety off desserts. That's one off the concepts why I love 'the Naked chef.' because off the variety off endless ideas rather than the receipes. It just hands out basic ideas which you can work out further. For a tuesday evening this wasn't bad, maybe it can be a little more but that depends on finding out how. I could doll up a plate with several sweet fruits and whipped cream or ice cream. 'The naked cheff.' wants people to try out things and vary with ideas. The sky is the limit? Well, close to it. Baked fruit is a good basic concept. 

Aside to baked fruit, I have been working my new job as a jewelry maker in a shop which provides day care for mentally handicapped people in Wormerveer. It's cozy and approachable. For me it's agreeable to work there and I prefer to work over staying at home all the time. I make them nice jewelry which is always appreciated and is sold in their shop nowadays. It was exhausting but I did my best today. I have low energy, but to work feels better for me than to do nothing. It's not an officially paid job but it's allright for what I'm doing.  

Allright, that's about it - 

Thank you for reading.