Good afternoon at the 2nd off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's cloudy and stormy outside. It's not much diffrent from usuall, except that there is a lot off wind. 

*

I think it's a pity for food to be sober during the winter months, at least that's what it's traditionally. The months after christmas, when everyone wants to be back on track, is sober and spare. I think we could use some cookie spices these months to fight the winter blues. (Just to mention an example) It's just that people want to fit into their ski suits and want to loose christmas kilo's these months so it's not as rich and decadent anymore. Maybe I should think les egoistic when it comes to this. The earth needs a rest after the outstanding christmas months, our pantries need to be refilled and kilo's have to go away after a few christmas dinners and the outstanding new year's eve snacks. I give people their right when it comes to this. But for depression, it's not such a good thing. Or maybe it is. If you can set yourself to loose 20 kilogram when you have to, that might help when you're depressed. But most off the time depressed people don't care at all. When I'm depressed as a doorknob, I can't set myself to diet in January either. I haven't done so in 4 years and look what that made me. Just when it was essential to watch weight- I was on medication switch, a broken heart and the anticonception pill in a terrible home situation. So watching my weight? Not so much. I just couldn't set myself to it. 

I had a care taker saying I should get started when I feel ready for it. Not when I feel other people's pressure. It's a good advice. 

What I did with those apple turnovers- I shared one with that care taker giving me advice, and he took one for a fellow client he had to visit next and another one for the other care taker being off service during new year's eve. I gave away three and ate the rest off them myself. I was a bit selfish with it, but I also felt it was too little to share with de Boed. And they where good. I think that was due to the star anise in my cookie spices. I love star anise combined with apples or pears. I have eaten most myself, It felt good being capable to share some off them, though. Sometimes it's as easy as sharing food and a cup off coffee or tea with someone to make me a happy person. 

 Allright, that's about it for now- I can't set myself to write you more about now so thank you for reading. 

  

Good evening at the 1st off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and rainy, though it was warm for a new year's day. It's not the outback in Australia, but it was about 15 degrees celsius today. For the Netherlands in winter, that is warm. 

*

I have a real new year's resolution: I want to be pretty again. Not slacking myself but being truly pretty and content with myself. 

I have been in a massive black hole off depression when it comes to my looks and I have been abandoning it a bit the previous 4 years because my heart was broken. I don't want to do it for a man or for being prettier than his whore, but just for myself. I want to get myself out off that depression (Which I succeded) and be on the right track again with myself. So far, I'm content. The hairdresser has done well for me, I put on skin cream and mascara again today and I look young for my almost 30. I'm just -be warned- incredibly fat. I call myself 'Au Natural with a doll up off whipped cream.' referring to that skin cream. I remembered today to put on lip balm again after drinking coffee at de Boed's new year's bingo and I'm washed. It makes a diffrence. I don't feel well enough yet to show a picture off myself on here, so I leave it to the reader to imagine me, washed and groomed versus slacking and greasy. 

It's common for mental patients to be ungroomed and I can get annoyed by myself big deal when I'm doing that and I have no power over myself to change it. When your stuck up in yourself, even that is impossible and it's true. 

2022 will be the Chinese year off the Tiger after Chinese new year. (Tiger is a chinese starsign) I will turn 30 this year. It's something to notice and I'm proud off it. If Corona and it's restrictions work with and will be off, I will take my family to a restaurant to celebrate. I don't have a lot off relatives so it's not too much off a thing for me. The year off the Tiger is something to be warned off if you are it's opposite, a Monkey - Which I am.- Tigers and Monkeys are supposed to be enemies. I have a lot off good plans for this year but Corona could be in the way so I might have to cancel some things. I have plans again to enjoy life. After that massive black hole I felt being in. I might have been in love during that period, but I didn't feel strong enough to go after it. I thought he was taken and that kept me off the man in Leiden. I think I did good about that since I wasn't on track enough with myself again to do so. It was a nasty period and I probably needed that crush to soften it's sharpness. But mind me, if I would have found that prince charming, I would have definitely gone after him. I can just say it wasn't the right time and place for it. At this moment off time, I'm working my way back again to feeling better. I finally want to be and feel pretty again a crush worthy. But it's mainly for myself this time. I suppose I need it. 2022 is a Tiger year, but it seems somewhat more promising than the year off the Ox. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good afternoon at the 31st off December, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's a rainy and cold last day off the year. I have regained my energy somehow and I wish to make the best off this day, however. 

*

My energy hasn't been this high the entire month. I don't know how that could be but I feel well, well rested and up to bake stuff today. 

 I don't know how my mind makes this picture a bit scary. I have been making luxury apple turnovers this evening with dried prunes, white raisins, almonds and cookie spices adjusted to the apple filling (Some left overs from other bakings.) this morning, a treat for new year's eve. Those sharp edges look sharp and bird-beak like. I'm good at bringing things to taste, but modeling them is another story. I might or might not try to spend my new year trying to model turnovers a bit better, it's a resolution, haha. Given the fact I should make at least 30 to feed the entire Boed during coffee time, that gives me some space to practice. I have filling left for a lot more off these and by the end off the year I'd probably know perfectly how to shape apple turnovers. I just hope they taste well. And what's left over will be donated to de Boed tomorrow. 

I'm a bit spare for not donating enough off them for everyone. It feels a bit bad to do so, but I have the feeling I shouldn't eat all off these this evening. Sometimes I wish I had a husband to help me off off what I make when it's a bit too much for myself alone. But life just hasn't given me that. I could donate what's left to de Boed's staff instead off clients if I don't want people being left out. I hate the idea off giving too little and one person having more than the other person because off me. I know that feeling too well and I don't want to take part off something like that. I hope staff will appreciate. But they can expect about 30 to be made next year. That will be a nice challenge off it's own. 

This day goes by relaxed. I'm still in PJ's, it's raining and windy outside and I have made apple turnovers for this evening. I played a cd and I'm burning a candle and some incense. It's a good end off the year and I haven't have days like this for a long time. I wish it could be new year's eve every day if it makes me feel this good. Tomorrow I might spend making some new year's bites for de Boed and according to the receipe, that will be enough. 

My energy is often spare. It's often low but I feel well and even better than well this afternoon. I feel it's almost pity christmas time is only untill 6 or 7 January. I love how cozy it makes my small home and how it almost softens the sharp edges off the rest off this year. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading, 

and a Happy New Year to all off you.    

Good afternoon at the 30th off December, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cold, a bit warmer than around christmas, it's cloudy and rainy outside and most branches are empty. 

*

Thursday was for Wednesday Soup. I don't know how I did it, but I slept well yesterday and I had energy to fix the vegetable soup. Classic and old fashioned and the perfect comfort soup for older people who are doing hard this month. People loved it. It's one off the most easy soups to make for me. Somewhere on here I posted my receipe. It contains lots off garlic and herbs in my case and it's based on chicken broth instead off beef broth. I had no complaints today from picky eaters. 

The world looks better when you have slept a few hours at night. It feels fresher and things that are happening around me look more acceptable (I'm talking about my personal circle off things and people.) I decided I'm about to put what's happening in the world aside me. I can't do otherly anyway these weeks. I'm not at a position off power to change things. Somehow realizing that worked well for my nerves and I could sleep. I can't help on a mundial level, but I can serve a community centre a pot off fresh made soup so I can help them a little. The world is better when one can sleep. 

Tomorrow is the last day off glitter and sparkle for a long time. It will be new year's eve tomorrow and I'm doubting wheter to visit my family or not. I hope being stressed during holidays won't be a returning issue each year. For some it is, and it's a well known issue in psychiatric health among care staff. They told me it's common to have issues increased around this time off the year. 

I wish I really had a Guardian Angel to sleep next to each night so he could protect me each time I can't sleep. Cuddle me to sleep each night. That would be perfect. Sleep can feel sacred in a world where nothing seems to be sacred. Omnia and Faun are fighting each other out over that quote, but I have the answer for you: Sleep, sleep is sacred. And if you don't believe me, stay up against your will for a few nights and you will see my point. I'm not intending to take part off that fight though, I have my own battle with Vana Events. 

Sometimes, the kitchen off de Boed can come off pretty cheap in what they serve. This evening will be for hutspot and it's mainly old fashioned Dutch kitchen with lots off potatoes and gravy served with cooked vegetables and some meat we get to eat. At least we get in all off our vitamins and the old fashioned crowd loves it, but sometimes it's a bit depressing to eat - again- like that, with little variety in what we eat. It's healthy and old fashioned and easy to make for our kitchen. Compared to other European countries, Dutch kitchen is plain and simple. And the predicatability feels safe for them. To me, it itches. I have been participating in their vision about food for making vegetable soup today. It was appreciated, but my creativity craves diffrently sometimes. Old people be old. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Good evening at the 29th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is rainy and cloudy. It´s not freezing outside but everything´s said with that. It´s just as depressing as always. 

*

I'm doing bad. 

I wasn't capable to make Wednesday Soup the reliable institute I intended it to be previous week, somewhere before christmas. I had to call it off since I have slept bad again. I sleep awfull these nights due to being afraid Corona might cause a civil war in this country. Riot seekers are keeping themselves calm and Omikron appears to be less bad than what they thought, but what happened this year is enough to let it get the best off me these weeks. 

The manager off de Boed confirmed me they had enough cookies left over from christmas and it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I wasn't capable to bake some for them these weeks due to mental issues. Wednesday Soup will be announced on Thursday due to it. So to say, so I'm not capable to do my hobby due to issues. I decided today during my evening walk around the block it might do good for me to actually make it, cooking works well for my nerves most off the time and they'll be thankfull if I do so. I hope I sleep well this night. It was 2.30 A.M again before I could go to bed previous night. I'm not the every day hero I want to be when I'm like that. 

Some time ago I decided that is what 'Starlight.' Actually stands for. It's not the evil brat from the Vana Events forum, it's not the slut they want to adress me. 

It's my super hero form, the woman who cooks and bakes for everyone, who takes notes for meetings, who tries her best every day in psychiatric health and who isn't afraid to stand for what she thinks is right. The one who inspires people. I'm proud to do so and it's with aware intention I try to make the best off life every day, and I'm the one who isn't afraid to kick Mark van der Stelt for his ass when he has done wrong. No matter how desperate they want to scapegoat me each time about it. Sometimes it's best to stand for what you think instead off being a following sheep in a herd that has it's own bad  restrictions. But acting like Starlight is mainly about every day good, and just a bit better than that. I'm not overly social, but I have good actions I do for people and that's what it's about.   

Be brave, be honest, do the right thing- Always. 

Now, that's mainly what I'm trying to do here. These days when Corona, or mainly it's crisis, hits hard, I'm frightned for riot seekers and the country going mad due to restrictions. I'm not even afraid off Corona itself since I have survived that. I'm afraid off people's short fuse these days. I'm afraid the police or the army can't stand them when they really wish to do harm. Some idea in my mind says I'm rather down and out before the crisis ends when I'm all gucko like this about it and that's not a good idea. Somehow my common sense refuses to listen to it. 

When I'm like this, I'm mainly inside my home most time off the day and at it's highest point at afternoon coffee time at de Boed untill after dinner, then having my daily walk and then returning home untill medication time. Oh dear, I act like a client these days. This is what most clients do, and that's what this institute is for. Helping the mental, and unfortunately- I am one. I need to be taken care off these days. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.           

Good evening at the 25th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold and it freezes outside. there's no snow, but it's cold enough to pass for a christmas day. 

*

I'm reporting this to you with my new white sweater and make-up on my eyes (Lips didn't last, but that's what it always does. I think drinking coffee is more important than being pretty.) and the antler headband with flashy coloured lights off off my head, since it didn't stuck on my head during breakfast. I'll give it another try during dinner. It's christmas. 

Merry Christmas everyone. 

I've had my booster vaccine. My left arm is somewhat sore but it's allright and I have no other complaints about it. I hope it works well. 

Corona rules have been restricted. I suppose I don't mind that much about it. I have some reading material for the next few weeks so it's no big deal being in lockdown every evening. As long as I will sleep these nights when the country is under such restrictions. In my parental home, it's hard to believe the fears I have at home and I sleep well here. I think I'll work mom on her nerves if I wish to stay here the entire lockdown so I'm going to be off again tomorrow. I hope I can report to you no civil war took place while we had a massive lockdown. We will know next month. 

Next month is a perfect month for heartwarming cookies during this monster lockdown. I think it's good to make the best off it and soften the edges for myself and fellow clients. We have no choice but giving it our best. And who said that polar bear cake is only something for christmas? I think my fellow clients will love all off it and so do I. Maybe I'll feel a bit better without christmas in the air. 

Fluffy white sweaters and moderate make-up are also a good idea for New Year's eve. In my mind, I'm at the cold, hard months after christmas instead off celebrating today. I feel worried since I have the idea I should prepare against a winter depression. Cold, spare, lonesome, depressing and no flowers and leaves in sight those months. I have my methods to fight it, but it's been since a few years I have a winter depression in march, mainly ending around the 21st off it when Pisces got replaced by Aries and spring officially starts. It's only christmas today and those months are far off, though worrying for it is a big thing in my mind. I also rather feel with the poor and the lonesome this year instead off celebrating something. 

Mom and her husband are dedicating this christmas dinner to me since I'm always on my feet for other people. I should keep my mind in the here and now while enjoying it this evening. That's what it's christmas for. Since this year I know a phrase from the bible: 'Don't worry about the day off tomorrow, since every day has enough off it's own evil.' I would have never heard off it if people wouldn't dictate it so often at de Boed when thinking about the day off tomorrow. I'm not raised with the bible, but this phrase hits. I don't even know what part off the bible it comes from. They could tell me anything when it comes to that. But this phrase is suitable for today and probably the rest off winter. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 23th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

The sparkly cold has gone off the street, it's once again cold and gloomy with rain every now and then. The big diffrence with summer is that the leaves are gone from trees, and it's icy cold. other than that it's not much diffrent because this summer has been rainy and depressing.  

*

Serious lockdown is for prissys. I was on my feet and out today to do the notes to the monthly client counsil meeting off de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk, specialised in mental health care. It's been the last before christmas and the end off this year, but I think it was a fruitfull one which had meaning. I'm a member off the client counsil and I'm the note taker. I've learned that during my school time. I haven't learned much usefull things at school for life nowadays, but taking notes for meetings comes in handy.  

I shouldn't be too harsh about people who actually are in lockdown, that's not very nice during these hard times and I know it's serious. It doesn't count for me to be in serious  lockdown with nothing on my scheldue but that's me and that's my life. 

It's a short time before christmas. I look forward to it since I like christmas, but it's such a buisy period these days and it's just another buisy thing on my scheldue. I just hope I sleep well these days so I can handle it.          

Tomorrow will be our booster vaccine. I'm planning to be off here after that to my parental home untill monday. I have no wild plans for my christmas outfit. Just a fluffy white sweater, jeans, shoes I always walk in and the antler headband. I purchased christmas make-up online this year and it has arrived. I prefer make-up classy and moderate but I love shiny eyeshadow and dark lashes when I'm doing it. I'm out off fashion for skipping the liner and the dark lip, but that's how I do it. Lisa Eldridge on YouTube is somewhat off an inspiration when I do make-up. Sometimes Charlotte Tilbury, (With cheap dupes. I can't afford what they use) but that's when I would have an event, or when I'm out off depression. I don't believe in overdone make-up since I think that's vulgair, no matter how much people have paid for it or how much it's in fashion. But like said before: I don't do fashion. I love my knitwear and my loud colors too much to be pushed to fashion. Aside to that, It's not always cool to be in fashion. Sometimes it's best to have your own opinion on clothes and stick to it. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading.