Good afternoon at the 25th off February, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

This morning was cloudy and grey but at the moment, most greyness has faded and it's sunny and almost bright with here and there a cloud outside. It's still cold and February, though. 

*

Today was for trying yoghurt cake, a receipe I have never tried before, in a new mold. It didn't come out perfect, but it tastes nevertless great. I believe I could have dusted it with flour before I started baking. I have never worked with this mold before so I could try again and practice a little more untill I'm satisfied with this. I'm satisfied with the taste, though. I wouldn't do bad serving this tomorrow at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk for their afternoon coffee moment. It will be sliced and served on pastry plates so I think (hope) people won't mind it wasn't picture perfect today. It's topped with orange icing. made from orange juice and icing sugar and the taste to the cake is orange. 

I'm on changing medication. Yesterday was the first try with this new antipsychotic and I have to take it in the morning. I can't sleep in anymore these weeks but as far as I'm concerned, it's almost a good medicine. It's supposed to keep me from getting more fat and hopefully supports with losing weight. I should stop over eating and move my ass around more when it's finally no longer medication that stops me. I have to wait untill the medication change has been settled completely and I feel stable again untill I can move forward with my life. I have finished a course about being mental this winter and it came with all kinds off good information about my disease. It's always handy to know thineself a bit more before going out in the world. I think the course did well for me as I can tell where my problems come from and how it works in the brain on a physicall level. Still I believe it's black magic sometimes that happens to me and I have become victim to some sort off revenge spell and I don't know why. It could be true, it's impossible to proove any off it so it's more handy to know a bit how this disease works in the brain and what medication does to it. It's quite something and it gives me the realisation that I'm a patient with a disorder which can't be helped. That is hard for me to accept but it's good to understand.  

I suffer a lot from it. I usually don't share that it's hard, but it is. I live with an over active mind which is in controll off me most off the time when I'm having delusions. It hurts and it feels shamefull when I snap out off one, only to be caught into one again after I did so. And it repeats. It's constantly on my ass and I do hard with all off it. Still I wish to do good things in life and stay positive minded somehow. Do good for the world around me if only something small. Keeping that takes positive experiences. I'm getting out off depression, however and the previous month was almost a good month for me with shopping stuff, baking new receipes and even visiting the local thursday market. (I love markets.) I haven't done that in a while due to Corona and rather staying in my home all the time instead off doing things. But fresh air is finally here and I seem to take a breath off it. 

I know I have to take it a bit calmly after spending money on new stuff like previous weeks and changing meds, but it was fun. So far, changing meds feels a bit hard but if I make it through this stage, life hopefully is getting better and losing weight will be a bit easier. I'm truly obese and for those mocking me with my looks it's incredibly easy to do so this way. I hope it will work out for me once I'm not on the fattening meds anymore. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good afternoon at the 22nd off February, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

I think the country can squeeze it's hands togheter for still standing after the major storms this weekend. It's still rainy, depressing, and grey outside. It's a dark wintermonth. It's also very windy these days. It's downright terrible. 

*

I got over my resistance this afternoon and decided to try baking peanutbutter cookies. I must admit- they're tasty and the receipe worked out quite well in my hands. 

Forks are cookiestamps for poor people. haha. The receipe required to flatten them with a fork, it came to my mind fancy cookie stamps would work out better for it but they are pretty expensive- so a fork it was. I tasted three, one from every tray and I made 48, otherwise there would have been 51 off these. I have to try it a few times more for the best baking time. It's an easy receipe and the dough is not sticky. It comes from the cookie bible (de koekjesbijbel) by my baking hero Rutger van den Broek. I doubted de Boed would like them but I'm almost certain even the biggest (old fashioned thinking) food sceptic can appreciate these. (I got over my doubt either. I'm not a big food sceptic, but I had my overthinkings on peanutbutter as a flavour for cookies.) I have no shame handing them almost 50 off these as I'm almost certain they'll get out off them. 

It's a good thing trying new receipes every often. It gave me a good feeling today. Trying new receipes- I love it. 

Aside from bakings I'm doing pretty hard these months but I don't want to share too much details. I'm in mourning over a lot off things and taking it on with care staff more. Bakings keep me cheered up and I think it's hard not sharing too much on this weblog as I'm used to it but I think a little protection from gossip can't do bad for -sensitive becomming- me. My main care taker said I needed more appointments with a psychologist as she heard me yesterday after I spoke to her. I felt as if I was talking through some sort off a dark grey mist to her. Almost not aware off what I was doing. If I would have been at my full awareness, I probably would have never set myself to speaking so open hearted but it started after breaking down in tears at dinner last night. I don't completely know what I'm doing but I'm probably getting onto the main problem, hopefully. Finally. Trauma isn't our responsibility, but seeking help for it and our way off coping with it is. It's hard. Life is getting by in tears at this moment. Every evening I'm sad and I cried more than I have ever done in my life. Baking and talking help me somewhat out.

I don't know who I reach out to with these weblogs. Just secret services? At first this blog started as revenge and a way to fight something. But nowadays I hope I can reach people with the same fate as me and it's for myself because I like writing them. Maybe I can reach out to that soul just as much in pain as me and hopefully make them believe they are not alone. Maybe it can work inspiring if they don't find me annoying. Mental health and psychiatry are worldwide bigger problems than what most people realize. I have no clue if it does that, or if it's just kicking Vana's ass like I intended it to at first. There are more purposes to this than one. If something has more than one goal, I think it's best to just do it and not hold back in fear as that does good to no one. Today is for storm, tomorrow will be for sharing peanutbutter cookies with people and who knows what will come after that, but I have good hopes for life and I would like to inspire people with it somehow. Have no shame about yourselves, get out off the shadows off life and start doing fun things and love life despite being mental. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Something heartwarming for this evening

 

Good evening everyone, 

It's rainy and dark outside, it's depressing as a doorknob but I have something positive. 

This is about a modelling agency that hires models who are outside the box, in all sizes and all ages and in the light off this time and era I think it's suitable on a blog that wishes to stand up for Body Positivity.

That's all I had to share with you for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 19th off February, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's rainy and grey outside. The country survived the storm and I'm still alive aside to everyone who usually visits de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. There have been incidents with the weather among the entire country but we made it through. I haven't slept throughout the night. It was a hard night for me. I slept a few hours in the morning between 05.00 and 09.00 AM, like often. I just think I haven't been the only one previous night. Storms have that effect on people. 

*

Like promised, a picture off my MonChou cake: 

It's all gone by now. We had quite large slices today. I felt a bit pity for people who where late since I couldn't offer them some. I do a bit hard with such unfairness but it couldn't be helped today as they sliced it quite big. I had compliments all afternoon, the taste was just perfect according to most. I have been pictured for de Boed's social media with an unwrapped picture off this cake. This cake took me 8 packages off monchou and half a liter off cream to create it. One and 3/4 package off biscoff, a teaspoon off vanilla and sugar I eyeballed a bit, (It could be 200 grams, it could also be a bit more.) aside to 100 grams off melted butter for the bottom. I topped it with two cans off cherry filling. Nevertless, a succes to the people who had the luck to eat it. It's one off the best things in life, baking and sharing it with other people. I'm not over-acting it when I say that, I mean it. To me personal it's my best hobby. 

I'm tired from last night and there are rumors the storm will return one off these days. That's not a pretty foresight. 

I decided not to listen too much to greedy and jealouse voices in my head anymore. They represent people who are begrudging every good thing in my life and they're based on nasty people who think everything I want to enjoy life is too much or unruly or it gets troublesome for me for even wanting too much according to those petite minded idiots. I don't know if I have ever seen the people who are 'the voices.' in real life and that's what my mind bases it on. But I'm not certain about that. It could be perfectly just made up from nothing. It's an issue to me, though. People being stepped on their toes over my idea off luxury. I don't want to give poor people the idea it's too much, but what these voices do is downright nagging it. I never had such issues with my surrounding as real life people know I keep it moderate most off the time when it comes to splurges, new items and outings off creativity. But those voices... Just morrons if you ask me. There are people who are envious off everything but I don't have them in my near surrounding. I hope it's not my subconciousness trying to warn me about something. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading!  

Good evening at the 18th off February, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is code orange for storms in the Netherlands. de Boed is closed and we had our dinner in our homes. So to say. They never do that. Most staff got send home or had to stay home to stay safe and in a moment they will bring our medication at home instead off letting us have it at the medication office. (They brought it.) It's quite dramatic today. 

*

Today was for making a large MonChou cake. A non bake cheesecake which is quite old fashioned but tastes nevertless great, on a biscoff bottom and topped with cherry tart filling, like it's supposed to be. The biscoff was my idea, most off the time it's digestives or bastogne cookies (I don't know how the last translates in English) that are used in this cheesecake. Biscoff (Lotus Speculoos in het Nederlands) tastes great with it aswell according to the rumors. 

Picture will follow tomorrow. I'm a bit lazy this evening, I'm sorry. I'm going to make it the 'we made it through the storm tonight.' cake once I share it at de Boed. I will practice my best hobby tomorrow, serving coffee with some self made sweet treat at Saturday and with a little luck on Sunday at de Boed for their afternoon coffee moment. I have to do something to keep me occupied ever since being unemployed. It keeps me a bit on my feet during the weekend. 

This week was for shopping a few times, an appointment with psychiatric health, swimming a few laps, and surviving storms. Today I made cake, I had some coffee and I painted my nails this afternoon and wrote a bit in my diary. I decided to close the curtains so I didn't had to see the storm as it would frighten me probably to see everything swing around. I called my mom, had a chat and then had dinner here. It's not hard to keep myself a bit buisy while it's stormy outside. I hope de Boed is open tomorrow so I can hand out my cake and won't be stuck up with it tomorrow. That would be a waste. The MonChou filling was a bit according to my own insights and I think it worked out well. I didn't follow a strict receipe. Just what I had on my mind. It's something we can use to strengthen our spirits a bit after this annoying storm. Shops are closed today because off it. We have to enter the night by now and I hope the country survives. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 17th off February, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been stormy and very windy. There are a lot off storms this week over the Netherlands. They´re so intense they even got names. There´s one on the way and one predicted after that while we already had one heavy storm. If you have the chance and don´t need to do something outside, I´d reccomend you all to stay in and keep yourselves safe this weekend. Don´t make more trouble than required. 

Corona restrictions are enlowered and the country is almost free again. We´re off the worst lockdown for now. I hope it will all work out and we don´t have to get back on it after a few months. We´ll see. 

*

Today they arrested a violent man who made trouble at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. In our flat at my gallery, there lives a violent man who's on alcohol a lot and who is not permitted to get at de Boed anymore for causing commotion there quite often. Today he was arrested by the police for even getting in and he made everyone very uncomfortable. They had to move the clients to the hall to stay safe. Luckily nobody got hurt and the arrest went quite easy. 

This week was for Paprika soup. My pet peeve. This week I made it with adjusted meatballs instead off chickenbreast. Most ingredients for it's concistency stayed the same. I practice a lot with paprika soup to find out it's best way off being cooked. I'm almost at the final stage off all these trials (I never had any complaint, I even got compared to restaurants a lot) and I believe I found out my best version, almost. It's truly a basic in my arsenal off soups. I believe I will share the best version with my readers once it's perfect. 

There are a few soups that are basic in my soup arsenal, Paprika soup, Brocoli Courgette, classic Vegetable soup, Old fashioned chicken soup according to the soup bible and my own version off Mustard soup. (And some others I make every often) It's something to be proud off. I haven't achieved much in life, but once a week I'm a good volunteer soup chef at a community centre. Usually it's enough soup for two days. People are gratefull for my soup and that gives me a good feeling.  

I'm about to change medication for the 6th time or so in my life. A medicine that isn't fattening this time and that can replace the fattening one I have been on for so many years. I think it will be a relief once my system got freed from that. I hope it also helps me sleep. I have such trouble sleeping and incredible trouble with my motivation. The psychiatrist said they couldn't do much for me about that and that one had to come out off myself, though medication plays a small role in it. I think the role to medication is a bit bigger than what they claim, but it's hard to discuss it. I just hope changing medication will help and won't be hard for me to stay at an acceptable level with my sanity. I'm still delusional every often, but I can handle it and I'm not a danger for my surrounding with what I have now. By changing it, I might get a bit too itchy about things. And that can be a danger. I'm the kind off psychiatric patient who gets idiotic delusions about historical events that never took place. And her own role in it. It's hard to be in it when I'm severe delusional. When I'm not, I try to be a good person in life though recently I have my bad parts like it seeming to be such an endless road, and I lost my good spirits about it so I got a bit cranky and lazy about life. Winter was also such a draining factor. I do bad in winter and get depressed a lot. I locked myself in a lot and didn't go out more than necessairy.

I'm glad the Covid-restrictions are softened. I lost my good spirits a bit near the end off the lockdown and got mentally downward with my health. As much as it goes by now, it's a bit better these days and I don't know why. Sleep is important, especially for mental patients. I still have bad nights every often where I do hard with my health. I got a bit down in my good spirits from at the beginning where I said 'we can do this, just put your shoulders under it.' I was right, but it became hard at the end and I had to watch my mental capacity for it. I hope we'll stay out off lockdown for now. 

I decided to put a charity in my legacy for when I die. I have no heirlooms and I don't want it to go to waste as that would be a pity. I'm glad nobody heired my disease, and I have no man. But maybe some people who deserve it can do well with it as I think it's not begrudged by others for them. (Maybe it is, but I don't want to leave it to the state or people I barely know. My fortune hopefully will do well for the world.) I haven't made anything official yet. I came to that idea by a TV-show. Sometimes even TV is good for inspiration. My mom and my brothers are still alive, I'll let them have it if something happens with me by now, but if I have to die in the future without any family left, I hope I did well by it.     

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 11th off February, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was changing weather all the time with clouds being replaced by puddles off sunshine outside. It's cold, but this month has it's charm as it seems to have some beautifull moments off sunshine. It's about time the sun showed up. 

*

I go through life unemployed ever since last week. 

I have no job at the attelier for people with a disorder anymore since it felt like a bit too much these months. I never had any energy to do it so I quit. I'm lucky to live like I do since I can still keep up and have my life. At first I felt a bit down about being jobless, but it's something not to be concerned with too much anymore, appearently as it goes a bit better compared to the day after I quit. I barely have energy so it was a bit too hard to do it. I live on small governmental wages in a tiny flat and I should let go off being ambitious as it never seems to work out for me, but I'm fine. Maybe it was good to let go off my job as it felt like a burden on my shoulders. Energy, or lack thereoff, is my main concern and I still have de Boed around the corner to have social contacts, coffee and creativity. It's hard to live, but I still get by. 

Today was for baking de Boed a plus size applecrumble tart with dried prunes, almonds and golden raisins. According to my self-taught out selection off ingredients. Amongside apples, offcourse. And it has almond chives in it's crumble topping. It's for their Saturday afternoon coffee moment and I will dust it with icing sugar to finish it off tomorrow. I can play coffee lady tomorrow by serving people coffee from behind the coffee desk. It's fun to do so. I could ask de Boed if I can be a volunteer for serving coffee more often each week aside to my home made treats. 

I decided if a job or daycare for mental people crosses my path and it's within my range off acceptable, I will take it. I don't like to go through life completely unemployed. Serving coffee each week is a nice begining. Life is hard when you run as low on energy as I do. As far as that goes, showing up at de Boed in the morning is a good start and set myself to things. I do hard on that. It's a mental issue called anthedonia, I heard off it before and it hits me quite some times. You want to do something but something inside you refuses to do it and it blocks everything. It's hard. Mental issues are hard to deal with. But this week had a positive side. 

I felt proud off myself for doing well in life. I do good in life when it comes to having my house in order, I eat every day, I groom myself a bit and I bake for people and I love comforting and cheering them up with it. Though it's something small, I felt compete and happy with myself yesterday. I'm almost 30 and I might be mental, but at least I'm not a bad person. I need my space to live and air in my lungs and I can't take on much, but I don't do bad. August 5th I will be 30 years off age. I do my best to cope with a mental disease, and in that proces, I'm not a bad person. 

I'm battling it, still. Previous night was another awfull night off bad sleep and feeling too buisy with thoughts to get to rest. I finally slept around 3.30 and woke up around 11.00 A.M. I had my coffee and spend the rest off the day cleaning the kitchen, baking, and then cleaning the kitchen again while I had help with the rest off my tiny flat. This year they might change my medication to something that isn't fattening. It might help me to loose excess weight and look acceptable again. I hope it will do that and get my mind calm again. I keep on being awake and I'm probably 'used.' to medication that's supposed to keep you calm and get you to sleep. My system would do hard getting used to quiting it and that makes me an addict. I'm not proud off it. I still have this medication for a few years now. Mental medication is quite difficult. There's a chance for me having to get taken in at the mental hospital for changing medication when it gets out off hand. I still decided to do an act off self-love and buy myself a bush off roses. It's allready bloomed but it looked amazing. 

 For a short moment off time, I was mesmerized and in love with the beauty off these soft pink roses. Can something ever look too classy? Barely in my opinion. My house is a bit off a mess, but these roses had their right and time to be in here for a short moment off time. It's important to do these acts off self-appreciation every often.  

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 4th off February, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was stormy and grey outside. It's average weather. But who cares? The sun shines inside today. 

*

Today was for Friday house cleaning, with my regulair help in the household. She's quite a personality. 

It was also my second attempt in baking quark cake from scratch since I had so much ingredients left over from the first try. I love how it turned out. It's especially for the manager off de Boed since she didn't get to try the first, and I love how the effect on fellow people at de Boed will probably work out. I believe they will love to have it with their coffee. I'm going to play London Tea Shop again tomorrow. 

Today I poked a few stabs in the cake to let the glaze run into that, as it wouldn't be wasted as much as it would have been if I'd just decorate the cake with it. I have no picture off it, as you might get bored by an overdrop off pictures off lemon quark cake on this weblog.

Kwark Cake - Rutger van den Broek  

I have this link to the receipe, however. (In Dutch only) I thought it'd be nice to rate this receipe with 5 stars the other day to give it the credit it deserved. Splendid lemon cake with glaze never gets boring or out off style. No matter how hard they try. (I'd read in a woman's magazine once it's a bit boring these days and you can't come up with that anymore. One should bake sculpted cake instead and impress people with sculpted works off art when it comes to cake. But that's a bit above my level. As far as I'm concerned, lemon cake still does it.) 

Other than baking, I'm listening to 80's music this evening. My favourite mainly. It's uplifting, and cheering me up this evening. I'm retro tonight. And I love it. I think I'd still understand the world if we would live in that era, and my family would still be alive (But not know me, as I'm from '92) 

I have to try making a fruitcake out off the quark receipe, however, and I have to try the yoghurt variety instead off quark, and orange instead off lemon. I have energy tonight. Often I'm low on energy and a bit depressed, but things are getting a bit better this evening. I should live by the day instead off procastinating this will last. Mainly I should be carefull with things like this. I shouldn't inform all the energy vampires out there about being high in energy today.       

I have no clue what causes being on a tolerable level off energy today. The depression that hunts me often is no more so it seems. I hope this feeling will last. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 2nd off February, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a beautifull day. There was sunshine and it wasn't so cold for a winter's day. Something promising is in the air for the upcomming year.

*

Being single has benefits. I could choose a life being after men and attaching myself to one, but life in general is too good to give it up for anyone. I'm fine the way I am and not having to have to chain myself to obligations is nice. 

I don't have to loose weight, I can stay fat and happy instead off having to do a gastric  surgery off some sort (We're at that point, I'm sorry to say) to look acceptable. If I wish to eat something, I can. 

I don't have to look my best each day, I can look ungroomed without make-up and even without skincare and not pluck my eyebrows let alone shave when it comes to it. I'm happy enough with myself to look like a ratchet bitch and not care a thing about it. 

I don't have to please him, I don't have to watch my mouth or my opinion online because someone might get jacked by it. I can insult whoever I want and I don't have to listen to his taste in music, his tv programs, accept his videogame behaviour behind bedtime (And the annoying noise that comes with it.) or his habbits in going out untill after midnight or smoke cigarettes or even use drugs. I can set my own standards and I don't have to fly below them for an annoying man I might eventually find attractive. 

I can listen to my own music, not watch TV, eat old fashioned at a community centre, spend money on stuff off my own choice and wear clothes to my taste. (Mainly comfy and a bit dark, or bold coloured sweaters with turtlenecks) I can spend following up weekends at my parental home. I can be a mental patient on medicines with low energy and not a dime too much to spend, smell like peanutbutter out off my mouth after lunch and breakfast, I can eat at midnight if I please, I don't have to compete with other women over the attention off some worthless jackass who'd ditch me in a minute, 

I can decorate my own personal home to my taste, I have my own space and I can do as I please in my own home. I don't have to deal with immature outings off that said jackass, I don't have to deal with his level off wealth, (Poor or rich, I can fly on my own purse) I don't have to accept someone robbing me off the right to have healthcare after we're togheter and the government demands him to take care off me, (As that would be impossible.) 

I can be as unexperienced with private matters as I want to. I'm not skilled and on lust killing medicines. People think I'm a whore while actually I don't know shit. Men usually want a woman with a prude reputation but the skills off a whore. I'm the other way around and that doesn't work for most. (I had a fight with Vana where I had a witty mouth and now they call me a whore and a slut while that's nonsense.) I'm free to be lazy in bed. 

The list off profits and benefits is long and it's priceless to have it that way. Thinking practical can safe me from so much destructiveness and inconveniences in a relationship that might end shipwreck and leave me with nothing when it's over. I'd better protect myself and my stomach against it. (I'm NOT willing to do a gastric surgery when I can eat cake.) Freedom smells too good. It is too nice, I don't owe anything to anyone and I'm happy. 

**

 Speaking off cake, I have been playing Cafetaria somewhere in London by trying a new receipe for quark cake from scratch. Instead off using a package, I have been trying a receipe which tasted like heaven for me and fellow patients and neighbours at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. I had to grade a fresh lemon for it, but it was worthit.

It was really that good. I could practice a bit with lemon glaze, (I find it hard to get it at the right thickness) but other than that it was perfect and I imagined myself in a cafetaria somewhere in London while sharing it with everyone at de Boed. Imagine a good cafetaria where they sell slices off this for almost gold. It's good to share such luxury with others. 

Today's Wednesday Soup couldn't take place because I had a maintenance worker from the housing organisation I live in my bathroom to solve a leaky sink. It's fixed, I'm glad it works again but people had to miss their soup today. (It got complained about. I'm missed with my soup and that's a good sign) Next week better I hope. 

The year looks promising so far. I hope the year off the Tiger will be a good one, despite me being a Monkey in chinese zodiac. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.