Good morning everyone,
It's actually 00.35 A.M but I count it as a very early morning as it's officially not evening anymore and 'good night.' might assume I want you to go to sleep instead off reading this. But hey, I'd rather see you in the morning keen to read this instead off dwelling your computer at night- so, good morning.
Today was sunny and so beautifull outside. It has been the perfect day for my mom to visit. She came over here for coffee and I had a pastry for her and we enjoyed the sun togheter on one off the benches off Gortershof and then we had tea inside. I think I also made her day by inviting her over for today. Mom could learn to live a little more and have more fun in life but she doesn't like me to share things about her private things. She's a nice person, though. We had a good day togheter.
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I love the sun. I have been sunbathing for some time a few days now and it's the best thing for these weeks, except for Belgian chocolate. That tops it and makes my days even better. But sunshine and chocolate make my day and I love it.
I come to think more and more how much off a relief it is to be freed off Seroquel and to be set on a new medication. I start to take more care after myself and life seems less depressing. It's a shame how much off an impact medication has on my personal well-being. I hope this will be ended one day in the future and mental medication won't make us such unwashed monsters anymore. It's not nice to say that about yourself, but it's fattening, you care less about everything, you wash and groom yourself less and you have no energy in general to take on life every day. It's hard to deal with that stuff but you have to take it, otherwise you're as mad as a doorknob but I find it unfair as I oversee how much off an impact it had on me.
I'm still not capable to take propper care off myself as the new medication also exhausts and I wonder what much off an impact this has on long livety as I hope I can grow old on things that take so much energy. It's unfair and hard and it's uneasy to take but I have to each day.
Mom gave me a great feeling today I haven't felt so prone in years: 'I'm onto this, I'm in charge and I can take on this. Don't worry about it mom.' I was like that in my teens. I felt like I could take on the world without hesitation and shame and things usually would work out in my profit. As we sat there at the bench outside, something recalled that invincible feeling from years ago. I'm not in charge off my own life anymore. I don't know if I appear like that feeling to her while I live here. Maybe it's 'I'm in charge off schizophrenia, mom. I'm onto this and I can take on this.' while living here and having a small flat on my own. That sounds cool. But most off the time I don't feel like that anymore. It's almost something hard to talk about to you since I'm such a diffrent person then I was about 12 to 10 years ago. And life has ended up so diffrent. It's a period off time I have been mentally holding onto for a long time but I wish to step over it. Still I loved how she made me feel.
Life fell apart, but still here I am. Maybe she's proud off me nevertless.
Today I feel like ending this weblog with this positive feeling.
Allright, that's about it-
Thank you for reading.
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