Good evening at the 30th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a warm and sunny day untill this evening. It's raining while I write you this. I think it should rain more this summer to keep our crops and our farmers sattisfied, and to keep the land from being dried out. (I somehow started to see it from a more adult point off vieuw. Plus it keeps the summer from being too hot, which I can't handle very well.) So- Let it rain, let it rain! 

*

This week's soup was Belgian garden pea soup with a lot off mustard. From topchef Seppe Nobles out off his cookbook 'Een kookboek.' Which has won the golden cookbook 2021. (Best cookbook off the year in the Netherlands.) It was worthit, the soup was so good we where out off it during one lunch time. Usually we have a bit off it left over for the day after. But it's been all gone wednesday. I can recommend 'Een kookboek.' by trying this soup alone. (I tried it before but I wasn't sattisfied about my use off mustard. Now I definetely am. I have used enough mustard this week.) People thought it a daring combination by hearing my plans for 'garden pea soup with a lot off mustard.' But where definetely sold when trying. So a big thumbs up for 'Een kookboek.' (I doubled the ingredients for the receipe since we have a lot off eaters each week during my souplunch) I'm proud to say I almost keep up with Wednesday Soup for two years in September. It deserves an anniversary soup. I have fans who love to eat my soup each week (Among clients, neighbours and staff) and I got compared to hotels and restaurants all the time. I love it. I love what I'm doing each week. Aside to that, I love the cooking proces and it's always a good challenge to get a pot off fresh soup at the table for them.

I love improving on receipes and trying new things every now and then. It's an anniversary worthit the celebration when I'm at it. I compare my soup to the stage peformance off Faun when I'm at it sometimes. I wish for it to taste like that while I work my ingredients and bring it all togheter. It just has to be perfect. 'It has to taste like a Faun-performance.' But usually I keep that for myself since I don't expect the fans to know what Faun is, and they might wrinkle their eyebrows when hearing what kind off music that is. But it works to prepare the best soup I can.  

Good old paprika soup has a fan. My go to receipe which I've improved a lot has someone who requested it. I stopped improving since I thought it's been to a point where it's at it's best. Not realizing it obtained a fan on the way, who grew fond off me improving it. So after next week (Which is for chicken soup) I will prepare paprika soup for my loyal fan and the other fans.  

I'm going to get medication enhighering this weekend. I'm preparing for a weekend where I will feel incredibly bad at the point where I have to lay in bed all the time after taking it in, only capable to have coffee in the morning at de Boed untill it gets too bad. I can't serve coffee or make soup when it's at it's worst. (This medicine is that nasty) I'm going to try to keep you informed about the proces. 

I'm also in a fight against the pimples on my forehead. Self-care matter. As a psychiatric patient, I slacked in skincare for quite some time but now I start to care again about my face and looking better. Or at least fresh when I go out in the world. After one week it started to become less, but I'm still working on my face and looking flawless again with the help off organic skincare. There was a time when my face looked flawless and perfect and I got complimented on it a lot. Stupid little me decided to slack (Or maybe it was quetiapine whispering that in my ears. I have become more lively and less depressed after to have quit with that medicine.) and now I have to keep it up with my skincare again to get that billion dollar supermodel skin again I was famous for among people who knew me. (I'm glad I can set myself to it this time and it doesn't require too much off my will-power, like at the deepest off my depression.) 

Can a mental girl look good again when she tries? When she really tries, like anyone else? I hope so. I'm not a fan off a lot off make-up and I never have been. I used to use organic skincare not tested on animals to take care off my skin. I just hope it also works out this time. It has been the first week I have been on it and it already looks less. They say you should give it at least three weeks to get real results. (Given I'm not using something agressive on my face which should work instant against pimples. But I don't believe in that.) I wish to look young and fresh and beautifull again. (It's a good start.) 

Every well-thinking woman has a skincare routine and if you wish for your head to look good, you definetely should have one in my opinion. It makes a diffrence. I hope I can wash the results off polution and dirt, and grease on my skin off my face after to have skipped for almost three to four years. A forehead full off pimples was a good wake-up call to quit with that since I hate pimples on my face. (My skin didn't look good anymore, but it started to bother me this time) I also decided to use a weekly scrub and a face mask to do something against it. I wish to be pretty like an angel again. Or a supernatural, divine beautifull witch for those who can't stand me. Either way, it would do good to fix my face. I know some medication can have pimples as a result. I hope this new stuff doesn't or I should really stick well to my skincare routine. A side pro is that I feel more fresh during summer while doing this. 

I've written A LOT about skincare today, but it's that important to me. (I'm sorry. I'm not more or less superficial than most people.)

 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 29th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright and sunny and it was perfect summer weather. 

*

Today was for seeing the psychiatrist. I'm not doing well recently and I told him my story. Aside to my mental nurse I had my personal care-taker from Leviaan there to help me with the appointment. I got medication enhighering. It wasn't to my suprise since I expected something like that. It's what they're most likely to do when I get wobbly. 

The main goal why I changed medication, more liveliness, loosing weight, more energy, worked. But it came with more unstableness in my mind. I'm less depressed, but the mental issues have increased. It's one way or the other. Psychiatric medication always comes with terrible side effects. I'm so glad I finally loose a bit off weight. It doesn't go fast, but it's working. I hope I won't loose that effect. But a wrecked mind on the other hand is even more terrible. 

It's been so warm outside I decided to allow myself an extra shower this evening. It's been a good idea. Under temperatures like this- it's a good idea to keep yourself clean. And grooming myself goes a bit better these weeks. (I'm so glad for it since this suits me more. I'm almost there in my opinion. I don't overdo it, but basic clean isn't such an issue anymore) 

I haven't truly mentioned the war in Ukraine once on this weblog. I'm not ignorant about it but I'm fully aware I can't do anything about it with a big mouth on the internet. Somehow I learned the painfull way that that doesn't work about anything for me. Wee little me can't safe people from there and I'm more concerned about the consequences it has for my direct surrounding. Poverty increasing. Though the last soldiers in mariupool and their fate break my heart too, I feel more with people not being capable to pay the energy bill and groceries anymore. Does that sound mean? I'm sorry but I'm realistic about it the way I see it. It's an unfair fight, no matter how you look at it and people being very poor and becoming even more plucked by the war in my direct surrounding is more off my concern. I hate poverty, I hate unfairness. I hate the whole situation people are in. Poverty against their might. What's happening abroad doesn't even bother me all that much. (I'm sorry to say) 

I hope medication enhighering doesn't drain me too much and put me in bed again for a week to get over with like the medication switch did. I think for me personal it's best to focus on medication enhighering and my small attemps to keep this home clean, despite the caretaker who was supposed to help me to have walked out on me since she got in a fight with the care taker who helps with my living situation about the way she works. I hated her from the begining on but I never had the guts to stand up against her since she has an overruling personality. I should be glad she got put in her place. But she also made sure my home was spick and span and that's why I kept her. Now that business is all up to me. And like I said, basic grooming already is a thing for the mental. So keeping a home tidy is even more so for some. (Like me.) I need care with taking care off my home. I believe it can't be helped. But I got my hands full in cleaning my toilet every week and cleaning my bedsheets. I'm not a housewife /homeworker. I'm not suitable for that and I never have been, unfortunately since it would have came in handy to be good with that. I try to make sure it's not dangerously unhygienic- but most is said with that. I think it's a shame how that caretaker treated me and she deserves a complaint to the management somehow. I don't want her back after what she has done since that's beyond a border. But it's not how you handle people in my opinion if you work in mental health care. (Most people around here can drink her blood. She should have been fired long ago for setting up everyone against her.) 

I hope medication enhighering doesn't kill me somehow next week, or already tomorrow if they deliver fast. I lost days on changing it the previous time and that should be off my biggest concern for now. I can prepare by keeping myself and my bedsheets clean (Or at least trying.) and my fan on. It's hot summer and it's already hard without medication enhighering. 

I'm going to do it. I wish to be proud off myself for doing this and fullfilling this step. (I like to think that way. But when I do, often things are harder than I can handle.) I can't really approach an American mindset. I think I'm going to do hard and it's not easy peasy. Wish me luck. 

Allright, that's about it for now - 

Thank you for reading.     

Good afternoon at the 28th off June, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's cloudy and somewhat warm, but it's not sunny. I must say I prefer this over summer heath. But I have been around in a summer dress for two days now so I was prepared for something else. (Yesterday was rainy with thunderstorms. So I changed throughout the day to T-shirts and pants. I haven't been watching a forecast. Silly me.)  

*

I have been lazy these days. When it's hot outside, all I feel like doing is laying on my bed with my fan on and just chill untill evening when it gets cool and I can live again. I don't withstand summer heath that well. But I can't continue like this for the next three months. I have to make a plan to get on my feet again and do at least basic things. 

Speaking off which- I felt so bad in my head I haven't done coffee service on monday and last night I needed emergency medication. I feel those nasty cramps all the time. This weekend it seemed a bit better, but I don't feel well after all. So I have to take it easier these days. I couldn't do coffee service and I bale about that. But the nastyness in my head seemed too heavy. It's still heavy. Emergency medication softned it a bit but it's almost as if the cramps have become more constant. I hate that. Now it's gone but I'm wobbly all day for to have taken emergency medication. (It's often a pick between extremes when it comes to this) All that emergency medication in combination with summer heath also makes me prefer to stay in bed all day most off the time since heath does something with your system when it's hot. It's as if it warms up the brain and increases the effect off drowsy making meds. I think I somehow should take care off clean bedsheets, enough hydratation and to be clean and showered myself on days like that. It's not easy to keep the thing fresh when I'm like that. But the other option is to lay in bed all sweaty and filthy for weeks and I'm not a fan off that idea. I hope I can manage my plan since I often slack in basic care and that's why I live in a care home. 

Today I had coffee with creampuffs this morning. The coffee did well for my system. I feel more alert and more awake and that's why the world drinks coffee. I have the feeling you'd get away with eating pastries and having coffee all around the world. There is no religion which forbids coffee or tea and a pastry. It's something the most strict believer can live with. Though Buddhism would tell you not to overdo it and so do religions which mention care for the human body. Or religions which are strictly vegan. Then you would not get away with creampuffs. (I love creampuffs more than spirituality. They came fresh from a bakery and they where just too good. But like I told you before- I'm no vegan and I would not be capable to keep up with that.) I groom and take care off my face with cruelty free products. That makes up for not being vegetarian, let alone vegan. But for most religions counts you can perfectly go for coffee time with a sweet treat. 

Am I doing it sober again in life? Well, not strictly. I'm simply not spending a lot off money mainly and I have re-stored some off my stocks but I'm not officially on a no-spend-summer. I'm simply not spending a lot off money these days. But to be honest, I'm not a rich person so it's no use spending untill I'm blue. I decided going at other places to have cappuccino or ice coffee is not going to be it since I'm lazy this summer. Really, you can't spend your last dime when you're in bed a lot when it's hot. Really, I don't like summer heath. Today feels like an excellent day to change bedsheets, however. And be sure I can sleep in a clean bed for a while. 

I have the luck most construction is almost done on this building. It's too noisy to read a novell, but it's allright enough to be in bed if you ignore. (I'm pretty hard headed. I can handle this level off noise.) 

I like the idea off a clean bed, I love the sound off my laundry machines and I like using fancy laundry wash and softner. - So I'm off to that task for now. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good morning at the 24th off June, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's raining cats and dogs at this moment. It's a needed cool down from yesterday as it was hot in the Netherlands. In this country, a period off hot weather is often changed with thunderstorms and this rain was one off these. 

*

I had some very ripe bananas, and a few eggs left, so what's a girl to do? Yep, baking banana cake. 

It's made with cookiespices and I also found a bag off almonds in my cupboard, so I used that too. On top is icing sugar. This cake will help me with my mission to 'soften the sharp edges off the crisis.' This morning, and help people cope with construction work on their homes (As that is more important this morning. More than half off the building is done. It's almost finished and that's a good thing.) It's my coffee shift this morning and I hope I can serve the annoyed, early morning crowd a slice off this to soften their troubles. And it's rainy. Bakings taste better when it's bad weather in my opinion. 

I'm doing a bit better, mentally. I won't say I'm all good again as that can be cheered too early. But the worst issue is gone and I feel a tiny bit better. It felt good to talk things over with care staff and share my thoughts with them. I don't know if that helped me dealing with this massive issue that seemed to bother me for almost a month. 

And I had no Corona. The test at the office was negative. I'm going to try if I can catch some sleep again. Since my morning energy after sleeping is almost as sacred to me as sleeping itself. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 22nd off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright and sunny and the perfect start off summer. 

*

I have a problem. Not a first world problem since this would be considered a problem everywhere, but still- A problem. I'm loosing my taste. I'm doing hard tasting cooked foods and tasting my Wednesday Soup was impossible for me today. I hate it. I got complimented today on how perfect it tasted, so there wasn't much off a problem there. It's just that I wasn't really capable to taste it myself. It's a thing I had during my Corona infection, loss off taste. This morning was for a feeling off almost fainting when making soup. I'm incredibly tired and I blamed it on three nights off lorazepame I had to take to feel less mental. I hope my taste will come back, and making soup will be less hard for me when it's hot outside. We could also blame it on the weather. I hope it's not Corona. Last time I got it I got away with it luckily. I hope nothing bad will come from it when I catch it this time. (I hope I won't catch it at all.) That would be something. Catching corona with all this construction going on around me and inside the building. That's not really preferable for this situation. I have no space to rest with all the drilling going on if that had to be the case, let alone sleep. But let's hope my system will take on this lightly and safe my ass from getting sick during a renovation. Ladybug Guardian Angel, anyone? 

Actually I looked really forward to my soup today as I thought it would taste perfect. But it was a downer for me today. 

Allright, I have little to say this evening. 

That's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 21st off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

The day went by cloudy, changing with sun. 

*

An ode to spring. 

My computer is acting a bit nasty so I didn't had the opportunity to cut this picture clean, but it's a picture off a self-coloured mandala I made at de Boed with materials they had there. The pencil bin isn't such a mess as it used to be. Everything is quite organized nowadays and it's good material. It doesn't go with my theory that 'Talent doesn't take expensive materials.' anymore since the quality off all pencils and markers is increased and to an acceptable level. (Due to someone who donates good quality pencils and markers all the time.) I got this from a colouringbook they had there. At least the colouring book staple is an unorganized mess. But that gives me a lot off material to work on the upcomming period. Let's keep on seeing the positive in negative situations, like adults here use to do a lot. (To a point where it's annoying. But in this situation, there is positivity.)   

It represents spring, An ode to the end off spring. The perfect way to start summer with. I finished this today. I said I hope the year will unravell itself, but it needs our help. People can't just sit on a chair and expect it to happen. Usually that doesn't work. With help and a little work, this year will unravell itself more than at the first half. That's what I think and I hope it isn't nonsense. This year is a good one so far. Let's hope it will stay that. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Edit: This is the cut and turned version off this image. A perfect coloured mandala and I think I should be gratefull to the person who donates markers and pencils to us. That's not forced gratefullness, that's more off a natural 'I mean it.' gratefullness. 

Good afternoon at the 21st off June, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's sunny outside but it's not overly hot. 

And then you realise the first half off the year is almost over, a half off which you tried to make your best out off, since winter and spring can be boring and you live far off so every sunday without a baking is lame and boring and a bit off a waste. Hopefully the year now will fullfill itself (It already does. It's a good year so far and let's not be ungratefull (For real this time.). It's a good year, and often things work out well for me.) 

*

Tonight was for a terrible delusion. I don't like to share too much details but I needed an entire lorazepame again to fight the worst part off it. I'm glad I took a day off from everything and have the peace in my own home (Aside to construction work outside) to recover from it, and from that heavy lorazepame. Lorazepame works quite heavy through. I have been taking an extra for quite some days now and I believe we're at the point where it shows it's addictive sides. Lorazepame is addictive if you take too much off it. I don't like the idea off being a medication addict. I already take a mild dose every evening to get to rest, but now I take even more to get over with what I'm going through. It was a positive delusion, but it's probably not a good idea to tolerate  it if it comes in so heavy. It was downright manic. That delusion was almost drug work. It's bad and I don't like it. Then again, medication saved the day and made me sleep last night. Luckily I will see my nurse this day. She immediately made an appointment after she called me and that should be in the news headlines since that's rare, that they take immediate actions. But it's so needed, I'm probably in sight as an emergency case again. 

Allright, it's not much for now, but it's allright, 

Thank you for reading.