Good evening at the 29th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright and sunny and it was perfect summer weather. 

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Today was for seeing the psychiatrist. I'm not doing well recently and I told him my story. Aside to my mental nurse I had my personal care-taker from Leviaan there to help me with the appointment. I got medication enhighering. It wasn't to my suprise since I expected something like that. It's what they're most likely to do when I get wobbly. 

The main goal why I changed medication, more liveliness, loosing weight, more energy, worked. But it came with more unstableness in my mind. I'm less depressed, but the mental issues have increased. It's one way or the other. Psychiatric medication always comes with terrible side effects. I'm so glad I finally loose a bit off weight. It doesn't go fast, but it's working. I hope I won't loose that effect. But a wrecked mind on the other hand is even more terrible. 

It's been so warm outside I decided to allow myself an extra shower this evening. It's been a good idea. Under temperatures like this- it's a good idea to keep yourself clean. And grooming myself goes a bit better these weeks. (I'm so glad for it since this suits me more. I'm almost there in my opinion. I don't overdo it, but basic clean isn't such an issue anymore) 

I haven't truly mentioned the war in Ukraine once on this weblog. I'm not ignorant about it but I'm fully aware I can't do anything about it with a big mouth on the internet. Somehow I learned the painfull way that that doesn't work about anything for me. Wee little me can't safe people from there and I'm more concerned about the consequences it has for my direct surrounding. Poverty increasing. Though the last soldiers in mariupool and their fate break my heart too, I feel more with people not being capable to pay the energy bill and groceries anymore. Does that sound mean? I'm sorry but I'm realistic about it the way I see it. It's an unfair fight, no matter how you look at it and people being very poor and becoming even more plucked by the war in my direct surrounding is more off my concern. I hate poverty, I hate unfairness. I hate the whole situation people are in. Poverty against their might. What's happening abroad doesn't even bother me all that much. (I'm sorry to say) 

I hope medication enhighering doesn't drain me too much and put me in bed again for a week to get over with like the medication switch did. I think for me personal it's best to focus on medication enhighering and my small attemps to keep this home clean, despite the caretaker who was supposed to help me to have walked out on me since she got in a fight with the care taker who helps with my living situation about the way she works. I hated her from the begining on but I never had the guts to stand up against her since she has an overruling personality. I should be glad she got put in her place. But she also made sure my home was spick and span and that's why I kept her. Now that business is all up to me. And like I said, basic grooming already is a thing for the mental. So keeping a home tidy is even more so for some. (Like me.) I need care with taking care off my home. I believe it can't be helped. But I got my hands full in cleaning my toilet every week and cleaning my bedsheets. I'm not a housewife /homeworker. I'm not suitable for that and I never have been, unfortunately since it would have came in handy to be good with that. I try to make sure it's not dangerously unhygienic- but most is said with that. I think it's a shame how that caretaker treated me and she deserves a complaint to the management somehow. I don't want her back after what she has done since that's beyond a border. But it's not how you handle people in my opinion if you work in mental health care. (Most people around here can drink her blood. She should have been fired long ago for setting up everyone against her.) 

I hope medication enhighering doesn't kill me somehow next week, or already tomorrow if they deliver fast. I lost days on changing it the previous time and that should be off my biggest concern for now. I can prepare by keeping myself and my bedsheets clean (Or at least trying.) and my fan on. It's hot summer and it's already hard without medication enhighering. 

I'm going to do it. I wish to be proud off myself for doing this and fullfilling this step. (I like to think that way. But when I do, often things are harder than I can handle.) I can't really approach an American mindset. I think I'm going to do hard and it's not easy peasy. Wish me luck. 

Allright, that's about it for now - 

Thank you for reading.