Good evening at the 2nd off June, 2022.

Good evening everyone, 

Today was mainly sunny and warm. 

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Day 16 off No-Spend-Month went well. I have spend no money on extra's though I'm doing a bit hard. I wish to do more with my life instead off being here all the time, being sober. But I wish to fullfill this challenge and these are not the times to spend excess money on things. I feel I want to have more fun like going to the cinema more often with mom, or going to the local market to shop. Still I decided I want to fullfill this month and stay strong so I can say I did it. I wish to be able to be proud off myself about this month. I don't have much days left and I have come quite far. It's not going to be hard to fullfill them, but keeping up with this the entire summer will be harder than I thought. I don't have much money in general so I can't shop 'till I drop at the local market, but just visiting it and have fried fish or fresh bread would be incredibly nice. (The local market is a bit off a trip from here. It takes a bus trip and a walk in the city centre.) Most off the time I don't go there, but it could be I want to go just because I'm doing hard with No-Spend-Month today. 

I decided I'm not going to move from this place. I just can't leave my friends and my home feels too nice. I haven't made a solid decision yet. So it's not much trouble to not to move. I have been sleeping on it tonight and that decision came out off it. I'm located too nice, my home is too happy and despite they are older people, I just can't move away from my friends and abandon those poor old hearts. Aside to that, after three years I can finally say I'm getting attached to this place. Tearing me off would be almost traumatic. 

Today we had a left over off my Spinach-Zuchinni soup at lunch. It was a perfect succes again. I made it taste great. Other than my soup, not much interesting happened today. It was a boring day. Except for care takers helping me fold the laundry this afternoon, nothing has happened. I used to have a proverb 'Boredom has made me talented.' Out off boredom, people practice a hobby sometimes but I can't even set myself to that. When I have nothing to do inside my home, I can sit on the couch all afternoon and do nothing all the time. Just think. To a point where it becomes unhealthy. I just think, and overthink, and watch the renovation outside. I don't even make myself tea. I'm just caught up in thoughts. Especially during a period where I'm doing bad I can't snap out off it. I managed to go back to de Boed at dinner time, but other than that I just have been caught in thoughts all afternoon. 

  

The quote above is so typicall for me when I'm caught up in my mind. I just sit and sit and do nothing but have coffee or tea if I'm lucky and do nothing, except for overthinking, having big scenario's in my head or talking out loud to myself. I just can't set myself to other things and if I wouldn't have health care and medication, who knows I could sit somewhere at a table with a cup off coffee for a week. Doing nothing, just talking to myself. That's the point where it becomes something to be weary about. I think too much in that state off being. My thoughts paralize me and are too strong to move around. I need something, someone or a purpose, to snap me out off it. (This time it was dinner time.) 

I could have called someone, but I usually don't think off calling the care office when I'm like that. I'm too caught up and I'm still not used to a reliable care office with people who come over to help me when I'm 'like that.' It just doesn't come to my mind to seek help when I'm 'there.' At de Boed I also have this at coffee time when I'm there but at least it's supervised when it's there. I don't know where I came to the state off being where I have no hobbies anymore to keep me occupied when I have a moment for myself. All the old works seem to bore me and I haven't found new interests yet. Mandala colouring or jewelry making doesn't happen anymore. I simply can't set myself to doing it and so I waste my life when I'm 'caught up.' I don't seem to have a creative outing anymore. Watching movies or reading books doesn't has my interest either. I just come up with simple baking ideas when I want to do something. (Or when I'm troubled. I think off baking ideas to try to focus my mind on something else. It works when I do that.) I'm lucky there is medication. Without it, it would be impossible to set my mind off off things and snap out off being caught up, or focus on something else. My thought system simply would be too strong and overpower me if that would be the case. Medication comes with strong side effects. I have to pay a high price for a tolerable mind. Everything to keep those psychosis and delusions off. It's hard and life sucks with it. 

Feeling lame comes for free completely. I don't have to pay unnecessairy extra money on it. I doubt I will ever heal from it. I've read schizophrenia can't be healed and I have to deal with it forever. I wish schizophrenia had a higher purpose for human functioning. Then it would be clear why people have it and why it's still there for mankind sake. Now it's just missery I'm drawn into. I take three heavy medications a day and I'm still delusional sometimes. My head hurts and my soul is bleeding. And my body is obese from it. (I'm slowly loosing weight ever since switching medication, it's a progress but I'm still way too fat.) 

I stop my journal right here, the reason for it I might tell you later, 

But 

That's it for now- 

Thank you for reading.