Good evening at the 30th off September, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunshine changing with clouds, and it was cold. 

*

I have a thought I would like to share with you tonight: 

Despite it being a crisis and people growing poor, I think we shouldn't be selfish and live for ourselves when we can, and still be a light in the darkness that surrounds us and be off help for people if we can. Especially in these times, it's important to be there, lend a hand and share with your friends & surrounding. If we take it 'everypony for ourselves.' That's not going to help in the long turn. Sharing is going to help. Everyone is going through hard times and does hard with their bills and groceries. These are not the times for self-pity and nasty behaviour so you will be the last one standing. It would show so much more character if you would stay strong and share. 

I myself donate bottles off care products in a give-away closet down the hall. Whenever I buy a multipack off stuff for cheap, I don't mind giving away a tube off toothpaste or a bottle off shampoo for example. I even give away laundry wash and softner from a good brand in that give-away closet, for those who need it. And I'm planning to bake de Boed stuff and give that away for free as long as I can afford, and I make them soup (With their ingredients) every week. Baking is getting expensive, still I can share it. I haven't been baking this entire month due to my broken ankle. The last thing I made them was an expensive MonChou cake. I think I won't buy items on a purpose for a baking anymore, but work with what I got on the shelves and re-fill that every often. As soon as I can stand on my feet again in the kitchen. My bakings are missed by them and I got often asked when I will bake again. Soon, my audience, soon... 

But you probably got the idea: don't be selfish during these times. Isn't it a religious law in almost every religion that you will receive what you give away? What goes around comes around. Wheter that be bad, or something good... Most modern people should get the right mindset before they start to share. But if you always have been poor, like me, you probably know or feel it's good to donate to those who need it. (If not, you should re-consider it.) And gratefullness sure is a great reward. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 29th off September, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was the perfect sunny fall day with sunshine and pretty autumn lights. 

*

Yesterday was for preparing perfect vegetable soup, and the entire pot was empty. I made four litres off soup, but de Boed is usually crowdy when I make soup, and all off them wanted to be there again when I peformed my act and have a bowl or two off it. They really wanted a bowl off my 'return off the Soupqueen.' soup. (I got nicknamed 'The Soupqueen'.) It makes me proud I have been keeping up with it for two years now. I could perfectly manage to stand on my feet while preparing the soup. After a while they made me sit down because they thought I was on my feet for too long, but my foot didn't hurt at all. I believe the Soupqueen really has returned this week, for more fresh comforting soup for my loving crowd. It's such a compliment to be that appreciated each week. 

I got the advice from a caretaker to ignore the news. I really got upset with all the news about the war and the economy these months and it's a real life event. It's not something just in my mind and it stresses me out to think off it. Stress is killing for mental patients. It's about subjects I'm sensitive about: war, and poverty. Poverty has been a trauma off mine I was almost over with, and now entire Europe has to deal with it. Including me. Groceries where expensive this week and I'm on governmental wages since I'm permanently mentally sick. My wages are increasing in November, due to the national plan to safe people from getting bankrupt.

 It's just that this is drama and pain over old wounds and even more wounds on top off it. When I was young I wasn't already allowed to live in a warm home because off the energy bill, and now it repeats itself. Still it somewhat feels as if I have been prepared for this situation my entire life. I'm not rolling in the deep like most people. I haven't been a rich teen in my youth since I could never manage to find a job, still I saved money with the little income I had. I remember classmates showing off what they bought on their weekly shopping trips, about cars they owned or vacations they had been on, wearing tons off expensive clothes and make-up. And then there was ordinairy poor old me who had only one pair off boots, an old Eastpack instead off a fancy handbag and no phone at all. I barely wore make-up back in the days because that was too expensive. I still don't wear foundation on a daily base and I used to be more fat than they where. Because the entire school was superficial, I got called a 'pot.'  ('Lesbian.') by some. I also used to wear cheap glasses. I know what it's like when other people have more than you do and when that hurts. Out off rebellion, I prefered comfy sweaters and easy going clothes over what they wore. Which even insisted more off me being a lesbian. Untill after traineeship at the government I got considered ugly by most.  

I try to avoid being a show off with what I still do have to people who are doing even worse than me. Nowadays I still don't wear expensive clothes or big brands, I do have a lot compared to the average person here, but compared to people from back in the days it's still not much. But this is a workers city build on the blood and sweat off ordinairy people, with a heart off gold. It's not much off the glamour off the city I went to school and the village I used to live. Most people here are poor, have health problems but they lend you a hand when you need them. And probably do very hard with the groceries and the energy bills. 

To avoid sticking out their eyes, I try not to look too expensive when it comes to appearance. I own a wardrobe full off clothes perfect for a repeat this year, I don't wear make-up on a daily base, my hair is undyed and I do my own manicures with nailpolish that's still 'on the shelves.' Every often I wear a mascara and a nude lipstick when I feel like it, but that's mainly about it these days. I simply can't set myself to more. I do try to be clean and washed, and I decided to wear a rich skincream against winterface this year and a nice lipbalm. Still that's about it and I only pluck my browbone and make sure my chin is shaved off unwanted hairs. I own one scent that's my favourite which I wear all the time, but that's it when it comes to scents. Still, people think I come off as a whole lot off something. 

I've learned about beauty it sometimes depends on where you are and who you ask how they see you. I still own more than what I show off to people but I'm fine with that since I slack at beauty, but I also don't want to give the impression off a painted doll who thinks she is more than them. That would be inappropriate for this place. Still, despite it all, They say I have 'such a nice face.' which says something about my natural beauty in their eyes. But I'm lucky with that. The norm for female patients is little to no make-up. I have a major depression about my looks and I slack with it, and now I don't I simply refuse to wear make-up every day. So it's no big deal for me. I got a bit outside the book with nailpolish this evening. But I still had it in my drawer, so it hasn't been a recent investment. I think I can get away with it, since they polish their nails at de Boed, too. (They have a basket with nailpolish with shared bottles off nailpolish which is applied by a caretaker if they have time for it. It's something most off them are gratefull for. ) Going round with nailpolish isn't over the top luxury, despite it to be my own. I hope to look nice and pretty on an acceptable level. Which is moderate when you go to de Boed. (I only go to de Boed these days, or grocery shopping with the shopping van. I don't go anywhere else with what I've got) No make-up has become something I'm very comfortable with ever since I stopped wearing it daily. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.         

Good morning at the 27th off September, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

Today is grey and rainy. It's your typicall autumn weather with lots off rain and puddles on the ground. 

*

Yesterday I was thinking off a fan off this weblog and I believe it was delusional. At first he had a cute appearance, but then transformed into an Animaniac (From that TV show) and made me believe it was delusional, (I don't think Animaniacs read this weblog) despite I like the idea off fans off this weblog, not the ones in my delusions, but the real ones who read this blog. I appreciate you all, though I don't know if you excist. 

Aside a ton off nastyness I have to go through, I have to take it economical this month since I wish to safe money on my pay account. Groceries where expensive this week, And I have a limit to myself to which I'm allowed to spend money on fun things. I'm a bit over that limit so I have to be sober for these weeks. I'm common sensed with money most off the time. It's hard to safe with groceries being so expensive, but somehow I manage to do so despite it all though it goes slow. Healthy finances are important. My finances are healthy, but I wish to restore the limit I set myself on my pay account for now. Nobody has money nowadays, so if you manage to safe it, you are a true hero. 

I foresee the crisis to end some day. It might take a few years, but it will all be over once and Christmas won't hurt so much in our wallets anymore. But it can take five years from now before that happens. Nothing lasts forever, and so does this crisis. It just can feel incredibly long and heavy. I just hope the government can bear the costs for all that time. And things won't increase too much in price. This year we have to be sober and use our creativity to make something good out off winter, though. 

I don't have the chance to go shopping or make sweet treats for this period due to my foot. It's just very rainy instead off a cozy fall period but I truly feel gratefull it's the end off the drought off this summer. I'm not faking it when I say I'm really thankfull it rains. And my crankyness is fading. Nature needs this rain. I still love rain, despite it being rainy for quite some time now. 

Soon there will be three more cooking bibles out. The chicken bible, the dessert bible, (I have been looking forward to that one) and the grill bible. Aside to that I have set my mind on an applepie book. (I collect cookbooks for a hobby.) I have to set aside money for that. Three cookbooks, and they have all increased in price. I wish to complete the cooking bible series. And collect more cool cookbooks since it's fun to have them and to collect them. But it's a hobby which requires money. Preparing foods from those cookbooks also requires money nowadays. But I think it's a good idea to invite my caretakers for a home dinner and play restaurant with them. I haven't had guests for a home dinner for a long time since my friend who I did that with died. It's been two years now. I could try to re-open my home restaurant for guests. So to say, as long as I can afford the groceries for it. 

I can't also stand on my feet for too long for a baking. It's a waste off eggs which spoil in my refridgerator for me not baking these weeks, and people requesting it all the time. It sure is missed at de Boed for me to bake.

This month I keep up with my Wednesday Soup for two years. This week will be for an easy Dutch Vegetable soup, which everyone loves and which is a classic. I will try if I can stand on my feet that long in a kitchen so I can prepare soup again each Wednesday. I couldn't celebrate in the actuall week it's been two years, unfortunately. But it's been two years and Wednesday I'm going to try if I can still do it. I don't know if I have fans for this weblog, but I sure do have real life fans for my soup who keep on coming back each week especially for my soup. Which means I'm a good soup chef and it does incredibly good for people. Especially during a crisis. De Boed can be proud off it. It also gives my life more meaning if I can prepare fresh soup each week. Life has been seeming a bit meaningless these weeks. I had delusions telling me to go to a petting zoo to find chicks in spring, or make more home made cake, or take a good bite off an home made Dutch applepie and I would know why I live again. (I got positive delusions who have good ideas sometimes.) It's not spring yet, and I can't bake soon. The idea off fluffy yellow chicks made me happy, though. Petting zoos are often free, it might be a good idea to visit one. Preferably in spring. 

Spring is a bit far off. I should think off something to find the meaning off life more soon. I feel raisin pancakes come close to the meaning off life on the short term. With a lot off syrup. 

Medication change is going by allright as far as it goes. I'm tired more often and I feel bad in the evening during dinner time, But most off the time it goes well. By the end off the day I'm exhausted despite to have done little. I still got relationship delusions, about people gossiping about me and realy taring me down when they talk about me. I got the feeling there is truth in it, but sometimes I come up with people who don't excist and that's where it becomes truly delusional. I got that quite often. Lately I had a delusion about a next life in Ireland. Now I got the idea that won't excist. So I dropped it. I got it quite often to overthink how people talk about me and how mean they actually are. I'm probably right, but it's haunting me and makes me mad and that's the point where it's not allright but sincerely dangerous. 

I think I end this weblog here. It's been quite a lot. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.               

Good afternoon at the 24th off September, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

This morning started cloudy, but now it's sunny. It's cold outside though. The weather has changed for the cold season. 

*

I'm doing a bit hard with the term 'meaning.' I find it hard to give meaning to my life and it's emptiness these years make me a bit depressed. Maybe I'm not looking around good enough. I live a good standard to a point where it's comfortable. But I'm not short on anything, I just find life meaningless most off the time. I can't travel far or go to fun places or even the beach for an autumn beachwalk with my feet in the water- which makes it a bit hard and empty. I'm still stuck with my foot in walking plaster. I can't stand on my feet for too long, though it doesn't hurt untill I mention at some point I have been standing on it a bit long, and it starts to hurt a little. Just a little. Still, bein stuck around the house isn't fun but that foot isn't my main issue. Life just seems empty at this moment. 

I'm slowly getting used to medication changes, though it's hard. I still feel uneasy with it but I can't reach out to the psychic health office since they don't answer the phone. I should try again on Monday but I have tried three days in a row previous week and no one answered. That's no professional service. 

I mention I'm more sensitive for crowdedness and I feel I overwork myself far more easily with this change off medication. Overprickled. And it happens very easy so I have to be very carefull with myself. I go to bed very early and usually I sleep untill short before my alarm at 8.00 AM. (Each morning, also on Sundays. Medication has to take place each day at 9.00 AM.) I'm that tired each night and I take Lorazepame on an earlier time, which means I have to sleep early to make use off it's benefits. I have to say I feel better rested each day for sleeping that long. But it's a bit early I go to bed. (Also in weekends. Medication has no scheldue and I have to take it each day.) In the beginning, medication change felt harder on me since it really made my head hurt and uneasy. It's still uneasy, but it's clearing up a bit.  

I won't get myself on a vacation if I have to live like this, and downtown is even too hard when I'm this easily overprickled. I should be glad life goes by slow and easy, but it's also incredibly boring. I just believe I have no choice but taking it easy. 

A positive thing, is that I started to care again about being groomed since I lowered Pallyperidone. I can bring up the energy to take care off myself again and care for skin cream and brushing my teeth again. I order products for that online, since I can't go shopping for it. It's good for me to pamper myself again, especially since the cold season has started. I still don't wear make-up, only every so often and it's barely. But at least I don't feel like a slunge anymore since I have adapted a beauty ritual each morning and evening. They say about that that my future self will be gratefull about that. Take good care off yourself, your future self will be gratefull for it. I finally feel like I do a good job about it. (I used to do hard with it and it's a trait that comes with mental health to slack when it comes to self-care. I start to think it's been due to medication I did so.) I personally think it's important to take good care off yourself, groom yourself and stay fresh. I hated it when I slacked. It's something that didn't suit me. 

I still have to shower with help, but I can pick my own clothes and walk to the dresser to put on my favourite scent. It doesn't depend on caretakers anymore to get my clothes since I can walk around again with walking plaster. It's just that it has to stay dry and it feels filthy and sweaty after a week. I have to wear a plastic bag around it when I shower. I have to deal with it for three more weeks. It's been only one week with walking plaster, it feels like months. 

And so life goes by boring and empty. I can't go anywhere soon and it's hard to find meaning in daily life around me. I still have to deal with medication changes and my foot in walking plaster. Hopefully I will find meaning again. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 20th off September, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold and gloomy. The weather has definetely changed to the cold season. Tomorrow will be autumn and the weather decided that's allright with them. 

*

Despite my personal advice for people not to be let themselves feel down by the war in Ukraine and it's consequences, I feel negative and down myself but not because off Putin. I feel so negative due to my broken ankle, and it's so freezingly cold at night at once, and I'm on a medication change. I've looked it up again and this medication is not known for depression to be a side effect. It must be my broken ankle. I wish I felt better on the inside. It's so dark and depressing at the moment and I just wish I had a spark to re-live myself again. I could be positive over my mom to have visited, for the government to help us through the crisis, and over to have acces to Netflix and owning a smart TV which allows me to watch Netflix on it. I also received a parcel with nice luxurious skin cream (And other beauty products) which is a necessity during the cold months, but it's hard to see the light despite all off the above. I feel cranky and negative at this moment. It's not usuall for me to feel so negative. Usually I keep on seeing the positive in my life, despite it can be really bad. It's probably my broken ankle. When energy bill compensation from the government is here, I will turn on the central heathing again and allow myself warmth in the house. This night I've slept under an extra blanket. 

Usually I'm an 'The glass isn't as half as empty as it seems.' person. Not a 'The glass is half full.' - thinker since I tend to be realistic when I'm not delusional. It's just that it seems so dark and cold these weeks. Despite mom to have visited. Even the memory off us having a great afternoon in my home with coffee, a pastry and lunch watching 'prinsjesdag.' on TV couldn't cheer me up. Maybe it's dark magic which causes me to be this negative. Often they do that to teach me a lesson. I might have been too optimistic about people not to be let down by the war in Ukraine. I truly suspect them to cause that on me. Since they hate me and do so often when I try something good.

And then there are people who always feel like this. So dark, cranky and negative. I'm glad I'm not one off them. I suspect this to be temporary and fade once I feel better. It's probably also the feeling off not being capable to go somewhere with a broken ankle and medication change these weeks. I'm bound to home again. I'm usually bound to this place. That's not a bad thing since it's a good home and I made it cozy. But now I'm forced to stay here due to issues beyond my might which happen to me. It's so depressing. Maybe I will get over with it once I'm off off that walking plaster. The weather circumstances are somewhat overruling me these weeks. I feel I'm a bit unprepared for them and that also feeds the crank. Tonight and tomorrow night will be stone cold according to the forecasts. I just hope The Netherlands is rich enough to compensate everything that will befall us during the war in Ukraine. For a longer period off time, but what I've seen on TV hopefully works. Maybe a warm home will do good against my crankyness. They start with it in November. 

Later: 

I have been to the medication office and talked it over with a care-taker. She said it's allright not to feel allright sometimes, and that that happens and that it passes. She also adviced me to put on central heathing again for my mental well-being sake and that it could be the change off weather I'm sensitive for. (I am sensitive for change in the weather and temperatures.) So my central heathing is on again this night. I'm not very politically correct with it, but at least the house is warm tonight. I should take her advice. Sometimes it's allright not to feel allright and sometimes that just happens.

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good afternoon at the 16th off September, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is for rainshowers changing with sunshine. I love it to rain, and it should rain this period off the year, but it comes with a little issue for me personal these weeks. Still I would like the rain to flush away all the drought from the previous summer period and the soil to become wet again. 

*

Yesterday was for visiting the hospital and being measured walking plaster for 4 weeks. I picked bright pink for it's colour: 

I'm supposed to walk around again, and do most basic care myself- getting dressed, getting breakfast, getting to the medication office in the morning and go for dinner to de Boed instead off it being brought to me. Except for showering. I still have to get help since my foot is supposed to be packed in a plastic showerbag to keep it from getting wet. Rain doesn't help either since I'm not allowed to get it wet. I'm so glad it rains, but I can't fully enjoy it with that foot in walking plaster. 

It doesn't hurt when I stand on it. After a while it starts to hurt and I need to sit, but it isn't painfull at all. I'm so glad for that. I told the staff at the hospital I have a guardian angel on my shoulder sometimes when it comes to medical issues. After 4 weeks the plaster will be off, but it can hurt for months and it can take months for it to be fully recovered they say. 

Next issue: Medication enlowering, and enhighering. I give my guardian angel some work with me. Pallyperidone will be enlowered, and Aktiprole will be enhighered. I'm supposed to be lower on Prolactin. A hormone which is supposed to get women to produce mother milk when they're pregnant. I'm not pregnant, it's that medication that causes it. It does that quite a lot and I'm supposed to get off off it to keep it from becoming dangerous. That came out off the bloodtest from some time ago, that the prolactin (I don't know if I translated that right) was way too high. I'm not fond off the idea to produce toxic mother's milk with what I've got. It can even cause osteoporosis from your bones at an elder age when you produce prolactin like I do. (Your bones start to be lowered in lime, which causes them to become weak.) Women who have brestfeed their children a lot should watch that on an elder age. I'm an old maid in her early 30's and I never had a baby. It's not fair for medication to cause that. It's likely for me to have weak bones when I'm old when it happens like this. That stupid medication isn't reliable most off the time.  

I can say I'm a little addicted to dairy, quark, milk, fruityoghurt, I take a lot off it and it's probably to fill the gaps the prolactin makes. I love drinking large glasses off milk each morning, and I take a whole package off cream yoghurt for a snack whenever I get a chance. (With a flavour, I just love it each week.) I don't snack on ice cream or full fat cheeses- which is a good thing, but I take quite some mild fat dairy each day. Life is not fair sometimes. Also with a broken bone in my feet I feel I should take more dairy. (Even more than I already do.) I just hope my body takes it in and does with it what it's supposed to do. Somehow I expect the Prolactin numbers to be higher than what I can take in with average dairy on a daily base. It's been like that sometimes and it causes headache, my menstruation to quit, a feeling off being sick (Which I have quit often) and just a general feel off feeling bad and all off this suited me these months. I just hope the thing can be solved with what they are trying. 

This afternoon was for coffee with milk and a left over off applepie I ordered for my mom's visit a few days ago. It doesn't go bad in general, despite all the issues. I just don't like the idea off having to shower with help. It's a good thing to wash my hair regulairly, though- So I have no choice. 

I'm glad to say I can spray Thé Vert behind my ears again and today was for wearing it to de Boed when having lunch there. (I can walk to de Boed again.) I'm not overly vain, I don't do make-up on a daily base, but a spray off a scent behind my ears and in my hair regulairly makes me feel good after I've showered. So today I smell well. That, and coffee makes me feel good. Often I hold on to these kind off small things in life to cope with the day. 

Bright pink can look a bit cheap or harsh when it's combined with modern stuff, but I combine it with soft feminine looks and the idea off wild flowers so it's not Barbie-ish in my style. Wild flowers, soft purple, ink drawings, soft colours to accentuate and it looks fabulous. (And that plump black hospital shoe for outside.) I got complimented on it all the time, though. People thinking even my plaster looks good. I have to deal with it for four weeks. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.           

Good afternoon at the 14th off September, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's cloudy changing with periods off sunshine and it's moderately warm. Summer is almost gone and Autumn is in the air. 

*

It's been a week since I broke my ankle. Almost a week. Tomorrow I will go to the hospital for walking plaster. It's not been a bad week, I'm a chameleon who shapeshifts in diffrent circumstances. I can deal with it, but I'm put to survival mode: Which means I don't complain when I can't get Thé Vert (My favourite scent) behind my ears since I can't doll up myself or when I'm made sandwiches with what they prefer me to eat. Care takers are nice to me, luckily. There's always that exception of one who is somewhat off a bitch but I can deal with it. I barely feel anything. It's a bit dark in that field and I suppose mental medication is catching up that blow. I have been trying to call the mental health office for half a week now about that broken ankle and I can't get to speak to them since no one answers this week. It's kinda stupid. I have also been set to medication enlowering, but I don't know if that's a good idea at this moment. 

I have to get over with the shame off someone else showering me and seeing me naked. Usually I do that myself, and I blow dry my hair and put on my favourite scent. Now it's getting washed, getting dressed, (In clothes they dress me in.) get back on the couch and just brushing my hair. I'd better be gratefull my hair and my body are finally washed again and they put me in clean clothes every day. I spend my days watching TV and playing silly games on my phone. I haven't been blogging for a while. Yesterday my mom came for a visit. She promised me to visit every week untill I can 'hop around again'. 

I have send a complaint to the government about those loose stones near the swimming pool. It's not the matter off money or a claim, but it's the idea that matters, Zaanstad is almost lethal with all those loose streetbricks and people falling and breaking their limbs on it all the time. It's downright dangerous and I just hope they will finally fix those dangerous areas. If not for me, then for the next person with a dreamy attitude who walks there. There have been huge gaps between those streetbricks and it's uneven terrain to walk on, wich makes it even more dangerous. I got a call back from them, they are about to find out who is responsible for those streetbricks and they take it quite serious. They where about to mail me, but I haven't seen anything so far, though. I hope they will put serious effort in this. Most people told me they probably won't do anything about it. That would be a shame to them, but the city council is known to be slacking when it comes to that. Edit: I found their mail, they are about to call me again next week about it. 

Caretakers make me tea all the time these days. I'm thankfull for that. They make my sandwiches and they take basic care off me these days. All those things I used to do myself each day. Tomorrow will be for checking if I behaved well and if it's time for walking plaster. Somehow I think I did my best to keep my foot up high. I hope it's enough. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good morning at the 9th off September, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was rainy at first, but ended with sunshine at the end off the day. 

*

Yesterday was for breaking my foot. 

I dropped on the floor after walking a diffrent path than usual near the swimming pool. They had some sort off construction van in front off them, which had to make people who go there walk diffrently. I must have been day-dreaming, and the streetbricks are crooked in front off the swimmingpool at that area. So I smacked on the floor and fell on my knees while my ankle broke. I still managed to swim a few lapses untill it started to hurt incredibly so I took myself to the side off the pool and later on I had to go to the doctor, the hospital, have a picture taken and then got bandage on my foot. I'm not allowed to put it under pressure for a week and then have to go for a checkup. Trains are striking, my foot is broken and I still got medication enlowering. I don't know where I was going this weekend, but somehow I'm forced to stay in this week. 

I had luck with the caretaker who was with me since we could joke about the situation and we made the best off it despite the bad. 

I'm so dependent on everything now I got this. Unbelievable how immobilized not being capable to walk makes you. I wish I could depend on the Ladybug Guardian Angel once more to cure this. It usually helps to ask him online or put medical issues online so he will help. I suspect it to be a Tuatha de Danann. Some sort off a fairy. Or a guardian angel. That's also a way to describe him. And he helps with health issues and often shows up in a Ladybug costume. I hope I'm lucky with this. Otherwise I'm screwed. I'm screwed allready for having my ankle broken. 

The city off Zaanstad is slacking with their pavement maintenance. It's crooked and dangerous to walk here and I have fallen a few times already. This time with the worst outcome. I think they can expect at least a complaint about dangerous streetbricks. I'm not happy with this. 

This was the first time in my life I have been driven around in a wheelchair at the hospital, and it's the first time I ever had something broken in my body. Mentally I have been broken to the ground and below, physically I think I'm a wimp. 

Next week I will have walking plaster if everything goes well. I have to find out how to work with crutches and it's not easy for me to walk like that. It's pretty hard. I feel a bit stupid about it. It's a whole problem to go to the toilet already, and I have to deal with this for weeks as far as this goes. 

I'm lucky people in my surrounding care about me and help me out when I'm like this. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 6th off September, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a warm day and the promised rain was nowhere in sight. It's been a pity for the dry soil. 

*

This evening's dinner at de Boed reminded me off a period some time ago, around 2013 when mom was poor after dad died, and we had good foods but we had to be creative with foods. This was like one off those meals and it was good. I enjoyed my meal and they should cook more often like that, but it takes me away to a time when my family was very poor, we where cold, dad had died and we had to be creative with our resources. Like now it's like that on a nation, European wide scale. I don't wish to offend de Boed's good cooking for this evening. But I come to think poverty is now a European problem, and not just us. We overcame our crisis in the past. But do we have to live like that again now things look so bad this period off time? I'm probably complicated. I complimented de Boed, saying I loved their food and it was 'A celebration to eat it.' This evening. Still it reminded me off our creativity during our poor times. The only thing I missed was the wine. Mom and I sure drank a bit off alcohol during those days but I'm not allowed anymore since I'm on medication. 

It was high quality foods because we where creative and sober on other aspects off life. Mom had a kitchen garden and made sure we ate what she could harvest. She doesn't has it anymore since she stopped it due to too much memories coming up when she worked it after grandpa died. She loved working in that garden and it was her favourite hobby. She just can't do it anymore nowadays also due to physical issues. But this year I worked with harvest from people's garden a few times -which was good.- I haven't done so for several years, probably. But it's more healthy to eat fruit and vegetables fresh from the soil if you can. There is nothing wrong with growing your own foods and it's also cheap. I made zuchinni soup and applepie this year from people's harvest. I had people saying they never had such good zuchinni soup before. Fresh fruit and vegetables make a diffrence in our dishes. And the applepie was just a masterpiece. (That one I showed on here short time ago)

Tonight we had oven baked potatoes, beet salad and a hamburger. The beet salad and the oven baked potatoes where better than what they intended since they wanted to shove us cooked beets and boiled potatoes down the throat. This was such a good idea to switch to something more acceptable for a hot day. My family could have come up with this on a creative day and that's probably where it somewhat itches but I shouldn't complain. Our lifestyle was poor, but good back in the days. Maybe that will come to de Boed- A poor lifestyle but with aspects off very good quality. Isn't that what I have been up to for several years? Still, the trauma off being poor re-opens. It's something that still isn't over. If you are creative, poverty is less off a drama than when you have to be victim to circumstances. I'm somewhat creative. But I have also become a bit easy minded and lazy when it comes to a lot off things ever since leaving home. I didn't have to think creative to survive anymore for a long time. Maybe de Boed will make me dust it off these days. 

Tomorrow will be for cauliflower soup. I have to work with a leftover cauliflower and I'm thinking off using fresh rosemary from de Boed's garden, like back in the days I used our fresh herbs from the garden for our dishes. (I couldn't pick what soup we where about to eat this week. I have to work with cauliflower they froze last week.) Maybe I will also use thymian from the garden and really make something good out off this soup. The drought did well for the rosemary, it really looks good this year, but again- I have to think creative and use herbs from the garden like back in those hard days. Maybe the hard days wheren't so bad for my development after all. It's good to use fruits, vegetables and herbs fresh from the soil if you can get your hands on it. 

Back in the days I also started to worry more about natural resources and environmental friendly products for beauty products and in my kitchen. It wasn't a bad trait. It's been something good from a bad period off time. I could integrate it in our modern times to keep our head above the water and provide de Boed good, inexpensive and healthy foods. It's been something good I believe.  

I have been thinking about a good christmas dessert for this year and I came up with stewed pears with a scoop off ice cream. Stewed pears are perfect for christmas, if you prepare them with winter spices and enough sugar, they will be the perfect ending for many a christmas dinner. I believe they are expensive, but I suppose they are less pricey than a more extravagant christmas dessert this year. I wish to give and seek advice on a less pricey christmas, I don't know if stewed pears fit into that place. They are a beloved classic by many, though. Fruit has become expensive. It's still a good choice for this year I believe. 

It wasn't a day to bake. This morning I had a massive attack off just sitting in one place and not being capable to move somewhere or do something else but having coffee all the time. No baking took place unfortunately. I explained to my caretakers I had an issue with that and they told me it's a side effect to medication enlowering. You can't motivate yourself when you're like that. I have issues with that sometimes. Today was a bad episode off it. It somehow faded a bit after lunch. I don't really bale. I realise I have to survive this period off time and I better can't be worried with my issues since that isn't helping. So I can forgive myself for not baking. Staff said it's been a good thing since I also didn't make a mess out off the kitchen. With medication enlowering, the household seems almost impossible.            

I was about to make a trip to my mom's place for the next week. Mom has pears for stewing in her pear-tree and they are good. They are ripe around this period. I can't have some or a slice off the pear-pie she makes every year from them due to medication enlowering. I can't travel to her place when I'm like this. I feel ignorant about it, though. Since it can't be helped. Maybe the blow will come afterward and I will feel even worse about not going to her place for a week. I didn't have much off a summer vacation this year and now even that is impossible. I haven't seen the sea even once. I used to live in a place close to the sea when I was younger and I went there frequently. This year I'm caught up in the factory-filled city and have no opportunity to go to the sea. Just too bad. I would love to paddle a bit in the sea. Just a walk aside the shore line with my feet in the water would be nice. Unfortunately I have no chance to do so soon.   

To stay in the spirit off home from a few years back, and the spirit off ecological friendly foods, I'm having nettle tea this evening. We used to drink a lot off teas back in the days. I could definetely drink more since I still have a cupboard chocked full with teas off all kinds. Tea is good for your system. Especially herbal tea from a reliable brand. I stopped it since I thought it would flush medication out too easily in the evening. It's just that now I have a medicine that needs to be out. So I believe I can drink a cup off tea.

I hope I will survive the medication enlowering. It's hard already. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 5th off September, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was for incredibly hot summer weather, despite there where clouds I believe everyone was having a hard time due to summer heath. It was a day for summer clothes instead off autumnal fashion. I hope the forecasted rain will fall tomorrow. (While writing this blog: Yes! It's raining!)  

*

Today I called the mental health office to ask if they could take on it more slowly with medication enlowering. Since I thought this was going too fast and I'm already doing a bit uneasy with the enlowering I'm currently on. I asked if they could delay it with one or two weeks since I feel I'm doing hard. 

I feel more negative and the people that probably scare me haunt me incredibly when they do when I'm like that. (Inside my head.) I feel the drain that's put on me more heavily now my medication is enlowered and I suspect it to become worse when they continue. It's not easy to have to enlower in such big steps. I'm shaking my head like crazy and it's hard to stop with it. I have shown it at de Boed and health care is informed. Aside from that, I do more hard on the inside right now.  

Today was for grocery shopping. I could afford everything, but it sure has become more expensive. I barely purchased any luxury other than what I would buy on a normal grocery day and why should I? It's a common week, after all. 

Today was an off-day for my looks. I put on my most comfortable summer skirt (One I better don't show at Utrecht Centraal.) and a plain blue t-shirt and flipflops, and I walked around with unshaved leggs. I feel better now I'm showered and washed my hair. I still haven't shaved my leggs like the entire summer. But I feel better to be shower-fresh and clean. Despite it being a crisis, I still try my best to be washed. It won't get any more exciting than that for looks. Sunday I looked gorgeous since I took effort and I felt a lot better about myself, today was an off-day and tomorrow I'm at least clean and washed. It's not one endless drama anymore with neglect like it was for some time but that's been for two days. Today was an endless drama off neglect for looks. Tomorrow is fine since I also blowdryed my hair this evening. It's promising. 

At this moment, I'm enjoying the rain and thunderstorm in silence, in my quiet bedroom late at night. It's such a relief when Autumn really begins and rain will flood the soil and rivers once more. It's been one hell off a drought. I love it to rain. Especially during such a hard summer. Rainy days require bakings. Autumn requires bakings and it's probably a good day tomorrow to see if I can make something nice with my self-selected cookiespices. Only a few months untill christmas, folks! I'm looking forward to a nice christmas period, old fashioned in style and ancient or not. Let's be glad our moms can still provide it (With our helps. I think it shows some sort off class to share costs with her if you can.). Let's try to find affordable ways to celebrate autumn and christmas this year. We can probably try by re-using stuff that's still on the shelves, like previous years' outfits or kitchenware we still have for holidays. Let's hope this will end well, and please realise you don't always have to pay the headprice for holidays. It's harder when you have kids- they probably almost demand new presents each year. I have no clue how to save on costs when you have kids since I think it's the duty off parents to provide them good stuff. If you don't have kids, saving money goes a lot easier. If you don't have young kids anymore, you could try to skip presents entirely. And just focus on a nice gathering with foods, family and atmosphere during christmas and we could use decorations we already have. And, let's do a christmas with those beloved classics- they are often less expensive than new stuff. Let's focus on what we do have and see what we still have instead off mourning over what we can't have. It's important not to let our spirits down by Russia and war politics and this is going to be a hard one, probably. - Everyone bales about the situation and that can't be helped. But we can decide how we react on situations and how we handle things. I hope I'm still positive after a few months off freezing, but let's give positivity a try despite it all. We still need to find light in our hearts, even in the darkest times and now I may sound like a cliché in a movie or a novell, but these days it's even more true than ever before. 

We should try not to let ourselves be down by Putin, and higher prices for this or that, but still be gratefull for the things we still do have and try to make the best out off the situation. 

I hope this encourages. I will try this myself the upcoming period. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 3th off September, 2022.

Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and warm for a September day. Though you can feel the air is more humid and dense and it differs from August. It's warm, but it's close to autumn. 

*

I feel less tired and wasted than yesterday. I've been at de Boed and had morning coffee with them. I did some grocery shopping and had lunch at the touristic side off this village, near the bridge to de Zaanse Schans. I enjoyed being out in the sun and watching tourists passing by, and having great sandwiches. After lunch I went home and had some rest, then went to the good-bye off a caretaker who is going to work in Portugal the next year. I didn't have the chance to share MonChou cake and they told me to hand it tomorrow since they allready had treats from the good-bye. So tomorrow it is. The rest off the day went by calm, and I even had the chance to help doing the dishes this evening after our sober dinner. (Potatoes, vegetables and meat) So tomorrow is for sharing MonChou cake at de Boed, a small community centre in Zaandijk, the Netherlands. 

Often I don't do the dishes but the caretakers who worked this evening asked me quite forcefully so I agreed. (They're overrulling) Despite that, I feel less drained this evening than usuall. But it's still a large step on a small path to lower Palliperidone. I feel a bit more negative in my head than usuall. More fears and more negative thoughts. If one thing, Medication can make you feel high and that works to stay positive. The negativity and the fears creep up again now I'm lowering in big steps. I hope I can take it. On the other side, I feel less drained and a bit more energetic this evening. I do hard sleeping in, though. But that's not news. I have a habbit off sleeping bad. I hope it doesn't go back to the level off previous winter, where bad sleep was a serious issue. Still, it's only day 2 off medication enlowering and I have to take it easy for my wellbeing. 

Sometimes it sucks being poor and sick. I just hope christmas this year will be nice but I doubt about it with all people getting in trouble over paychecks for gas and the supermarket prices being so high. I would like to have a nice christmas this year, but with all those high prices there isn't much to celebrate I think. I just think it sucks for the government to come up with a plan starting January. We need it earlier on to survive. I don't know the source off the upside down flags (Farmers hang the Dutch flag upside down as a statement against the government.) from the farmer protest actions, but I would almost hang it myself as a symbol against the government. Two streets ahead in the poor area off Zaandijk, I saw two off them being out at two houses. People are sick off this government. There are a lot off people who are sick off the government nowadays. The upside down flag is a widespread statement against it. I just don't know if it works, and my mom who has been in the millitairy (She's been a sailor in the navy.) hates the idea off an upside down flag as she told us it stands for something when you serve. Mom has been the first female sailor in the world in 1982. It's something to be proud off. Though she just hates the right-winged government. She is left-winged in her political vieuws. 

I have always been somewhat off a rebel and if I wouldn't suspect the upside down flag to be linked to extreme right politics, I would have somehow agreed with it's statement. You hear a lot off millitairy people to hate the upside down flag. Still it's widely hang out at street lights and people who personally have nothing to do with farming hang it as a statement. I'm glad we live in a free country where you can protest against the government when it's needed. 

That's still a protected right. We still got that right. Let's hope we keep it that way. 

 All I can do at the moment is feel with the people who downright suffer from groceries being so expensive and gas prices being through the roof. I can't save them, but I feel with it a lot since I know what it's like to be poor all the time and a lot off people go through that. (I never have been rich, from 16 on I have known poverty and not being capable to do what the others do.) Money has been an issue in my life as long as I can remember. I'm thankfull I have an accountant who keeps track off my income and I don't have to pay gas prices. I live in a care home and the organisation where I live does that for me. I'm afraid people's christmasses or Sinterklaas will be in danger the next half a year. I hate the idea. 

And I decided to watch my central heating this year and not turn it on too high in winter. We don't want to support Putin in his war machine. So a little more sober with warmth and to symphatize with those who really can't turn on the heath, isn't a too bad idea. As far as that goes- it's a warm September so I'm lucky with it. Maybe I'll turn on the heath moderately in December not to freeze, I'm a human being after all, but I won't turn it on at full warmth mode. There has been a time in my youth where mom was poor after dad died and we already had to live with just 19 degrees celsius at daytime, and 16 at night. I know what it's like to be cold in your own home and sleep under a pile off blankets with sweaters on in winter. I was 20 / 21 at that time and it was hard. I have known poverty for a while early in the days. I'm 30 now and again we can't be warm in winter. My family goes by well, They still don't turn on the heath very high in their home. Due to re-marriage my mom has been saved. She could turn on the heathing if she wanted to, but she's still saving energy and the government probably likes that. they advertise about keeping the central heathing low this winter and showering less. I don't shower every day so I hope it's forgiven I still shower a regulair time instead off short. And I can't say I'm used to cold homes since I moved out to protected living a long time ago where I can turn on the heath to my liking. Still, to sympathize with Ukraine I can do it. I live on myself, but I can't say I fell on a soft pillow. I live in a small home with little space and bad foods where I have to live. At first I had more luxury before I lived here, but that didn't last and now I have to deal with a poor lifestyle just like most average people today. 

Today there was no need to put on central heathing at all. It was warm outside and I rather need a fan instead off central heathing. Maybe october will be warmer than usuall too, Still I hate the idea off the holidays and children's presents being in danger over gas and food prices. I foresee people hanging on to the traditional and old fashioned styles during this christmas. Styles they are familiair with and probably provided by their moms. This is a year where the classics are on a pedestal. To soften edges, people probably wish to see that. It's what they're familliair with and that feels safe. It's no time and space for artistic renewal this year. There is no money for that simply said. I foresee the old fashioned christmas angels and even the Dickens period being favourite on christmas cards. I have to buy new christmas cards this year. I have the feeling I'm going to look for affordable cards with a more modern twist. Suitable for this year? I don't think so. Food and styles are hanging to beloved classics this year. I wish to stick out my head so I'm probably to be found daring and a bit stupid by some. As long as I don't spend too much money on it, I hope people won't hate on it too much. Maybe I should go for something with a cute drawing on it that's not too flashy. Something innocent and timeless looking. People are likely to throw away christmas cards anyway. So if it's not too decadent, I'd probably get away with it. (Even I prefer to play safe with christmas cards this year.) It's only September and I'm already worrying about christmas cards. I should keep the average vieuw in mind this period and not do something too daring, still something fun. I'll just see what I can get at Kruidvat's for a bottom euro. Let's keep it at that. Let's see if I can get myself to the shops anyway this year given my medication changes. (Let's not pretend to die all the time to begin with... that's not fun to read on a blog) I think I'm going to picture one off my cards and upload it on here. To send a virtual christmas card to all off my readers. 

Christmas is probably going to be one hell off a period for those who can't afford this year. My thoughts are with you. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

     

Good afternoon at the 2nd off September, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today was sunny and warm in this place. 

*

I feel lame. All I can do is lay on my bed and feel tired and low in energy. They have massively enlowered a medicine I have been on for about a few years. Since they had found medication enhighres a hormone in my system which causes feeling so bad. To have done a bloodtest wasn't a bad idea, but the medication enlowering goes pretty fast. After this weekend it's even more enlowered, and I suppose the amount off hormone (Prolactine) found in my blood must have been toxic. (I felt bad these weeks, so it's not to my suprise it's been dramatic.) 

Today was for feeling bad, but I could manage to make de Boed a MonChou cheesecake 

Many a 60's or 70's kid will hopefully love it tomorrow. I topped it with cherries with sauce and it has a biscoff crust. (That's not completely classic, you're supposed to crush Bastogne cookies for it- but it's always a good idea to use biscoff cookies for it's crust. That's appreciated too so it's a good idea.) Despite being in bed all the time, I could manage to make this since it's not a hard baking. My kitchen is a mess and I need to clean it, I hope I can do that. The ingredients where expensive but this is a pretty large one. About 5 packages off MonChou and 500 milliliters off unwhipped cream and biscoff cookies. (I used the A-brands.) Tomorrow will be a celebration at de Boed with this. I just hope I have enough to serve everyone and that's always a challenge with all those coffee attendants. 

I'm not going to demand a lot off myself these weeks with the medication enlowering. They are enlowering Palliperidone. From 9 to 6 milligrams and from 6 to 3 milligrams after the weekend. Those are big steps. I feel nasty in my head already. I'm not mentally unstable so far, but it's still a big step I have to get used to. First thing I mentioned last night, was that I slept worse. I slept almost bad last night and I was up pretty early. (Before the alarm.) I'm not looking forward to the further proces off enlowering if it happens like this, but for my well-being I have to take all that crap, and I have to take it often when it comes to medication. One pro is that I'm supposed to lose weight when I enlower / quit palliperidone. I have been as fat as a house these years due to medication. I can already somewhat feel that since my stomach also hurts. I'm not feeling well this week. I have called off coffeeservice and put it off my shoulders, just like taking notes from the client counsil. I quit it both for half a year, telling them I felt too bad to do the job. (I do feel too bad to serve coffee or work out meeting notes.) If I had an employer, I would have called myself off for this week, and probably the next half a year and that's why I have no job. Simply because I am sick. 

Let's hope the MonChou cheesecake will be worthit tomorrow and helps softening my days, too. (I have the purpose to soften the edges off the crisis for people at de Boed by baking them nice stuff.) This cheesecake could soften the edges off my medication enlowering too if it's truly as good as it looks. 

Non-bake cheesecakes are nice to make when I feel bad since they're easy. All they require is some cookie crushing, mix it with melted butter and spread it on bottom off a springform, let that rest in the refridgerator, then mix the cream cheese mixture and spread that over the bottom, let it sit for a while and then put on topping as desired. It will be a challenge once I have to use the oven again for an hour. I don't know if I'm capable to bake peanutbutter cookies this week with what I've got. I promised people I was about to bake cookies to soften edges at my Facebook profile. (I told my main purpose out loud to them. Usually I keep that to myself.) But baking cookies somehow feels too hard at this moment. I hope I got away with cheesecakes.    

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading!