Good afternoon at the 22th off December, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today was a perfectly frosted morning. The streets and the grassfields, the buildings and the trees where all covered in that perfect white sparkly frost this morning when I opened my curtains to see what weather we would have. It's sweater weather. 

*

Nobody has appointments for work today but me, and there is barely anything to do outside unless you work in healthcare. de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk, specialised in psychiatric healthcare is one off those institutes that's open every day off the week, Corona or no Corona, blizzard and christmas or sweating heath and summertime. It's something to hold on to for the mental and I suspect them to even be open the day after there would be a massive bomb attack from planes on Zaandam. Corona is an excuse for prissys. So. Today was for my Wednesday Soup, despite everything. Creamy Mushroom, like I told you and it was perfect. I believe it could count as a perfect start up for people's christmas. According to the reactions I wasn't far off with that conclusion and it's an easy soup to make. It's a queen among my soups. I have a hard time dealing with restrictions but soup making helped me up again. 

It's somewhat hard since the lockdown has increased. I've had the plan to bake more cookies during these weeks, but I'm so anxious I can barely set myself to it, and that christmas cake that elderly lady asked me to make? Forget it, I just can't when I'm like that. I have slept terribly these weeks. The only light at the end off the tunnel is that I will have my booster vaccine on Friday, by the end off the week and it's pretty fast since I live in a care home. I'm a prissy these days. I could help my fellow patients but I'm all sleepless and anxious these two weeks. I decided tonight that I would be off no help and just be in the way to care takers if I would fall down from stress and I had to be brought either to a psychiatric clinic or the hospital. The last can't help me these days, and the first is already on it's last leggs as far as this crisis goes. I don't know if it helps me already, but I felt I could sleep again after that thought. I'm not off help for professionals when stress kills me in times like this.

I still can't set myself to making the cookies I have been thinking out for this occasion off increased lockdown, or the polar bear cake for Anne, (There are a lot off women named Anne, I suspect people wouldn't be capable to find her this way if I wrote her name on here.) but at least I could sleep the rest off the night. And despite the morning being hard- My christmas start up soup this week was a fact. I'm tired from sleeping bad for about half a week. I have mentioned good night tea (slaapthee) helps, but the second night I drank it, I couldn't sleep but my mind was more at ease. I felt well rested despite no sleep had happened. 

I hope I can keep myself to these words off courage. I hope sleeping is easier with this mindset, but life still is stressfull and frightening these days. I have been thinking 'I wish someone would bake me those coconut stars.' but as far as I know, I can forget about that. Life is hard for the first time for my mental disorder since the crisis broke down. It's a bit too harsh to demand me to get back up on my feet if I don't know if I can take that at this moment. My light in the darkness is that I will get my vaccine soon.

Some care takers are a bit harsh about it and push me to limits. I have been discussing this with other care staff and they say I should talk about it. But that's a story on it's own about a witty care taker who isn't feeling with people very well and who works a lot off people on their sensitive nerves.   

Previous year I wasn't so afraid but it's because there have been riots all over the country. I'm afraid it might come to a civil war once those riot seekers are getting wild and they will get after me and do harm to me personal. Out off jealousy because I can take on the crisis well compared to others in the country and I don't have to deal with outstanding poverty like a lot off people. (I'm far from rich, I live in a very small appartment but I don't have to deal with things that hit common working people these days.) If the riot seekers get violent, I'm afraid the police and even the army can't stop them. That's my main fear. Not even Corona on it's own since I can cope with that. The lockdown has massively increased, I'm afraid the people can't take it and this small country will go mad somehow. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you all for reading.                    

Good evening at the 15th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was clear and warmer than previous week, but it means it was only 10 degrees celsius compared to about 4. Next week will be colder they say. 

*

A challenge. Today would be for classic old fashioned 'groentesoep.' Easy as pie for me. But some maffo replaced my ingredients list with one for an incredibly difficult Morrocan Harirra. Moroccan vegetable soup with a lot off spices, vegetables that had to be cut and me being set to stress all morning because it's almost like brewing a potion when you prepare a soup like that. I had to run home to get my cookbook to prepare the soup they had set me on to. Luckily I'm flexible and can switch easily and people loved their difficult Moroccan harirra. One off the things that can show you're good at something, is how well you are at solving problems sometimes.  

Even when I want to keep it easy and simple, and clearly state what ingredients I wish for at Wednesday Soup, things can turn out a big mess like that. I lost my temper (a bit) while being at it and told care takers what I thought about it. They appologized and we could discuss the matter like reasonable people. I'm capable to discuss when you talk to me, but I wasn't pleased with the problem. Still. It was solved and people loved their difficult soup. They have the luck I live a walk around the corner from de Boed, otherly I couldn't have solved it since I needed the receipe to see how much off the spices I needed for it. If they wanted me to do that soup, why couldn't they have simply told me? It's a big favourite at de Boed. I think we could shove this under 'Best off 2021.' in it's category, I'm glad I turned it all well.  

Today was for gifting cookies and they where received well. I think it's little effort to put a little class to home made cookies the way I made them yesterday, but I could change my mind and want to be creative with cookiecutters again when I feel like it. I haven't collected them for nothing, after all. It would be a waste on one hand not to use them, and a challenge to improve kinda what I've done this week on the other hand, but I'm still breathing. I have time in life to try both methods. 

(Probably the best picture I took off them last night.)

Allright, that's about it for now- I think de Boed and it's visitors will be very glad with my new drive to bake nicer cookies and improve it all the time! They are hopefully the big winner to this mental challenge. 

Thank you for reading.   

Good morning at the 15th off December, 2021.

 Good morning everyone, 

I haven't been checking on the weather today yet. It's around 3.30 A.M and the world is fast asleep. Corona restrictions are still somewhat the same untill the 14th off January. For about an entire month and during christmas, people are forced to keep it lowkey in life to see if we can end the infection rate in hospitals. Will that be? I doubt, maybe we'll even get a more strict lockdown. What I do know is how to make people feel a bit better. 

*

A heart under the belt. 

I have spend my day yesterday with baking sand cookies, I prepared the dough on Sunday, and decided to make something special out off it yesterday. 

(This is one plate off them) 

I made a batch off hearts, then put some white chocolate on one half off them, and then sprinkled them with almond chives. I wanted them to look nice and evenly because someone at de Boed called my cookies ugly some time ago. Somehow I feel challenged, to model my food a bit better the next time and polish the way it looks. It's probably a good challenge for the upcomming period with all restrictions still being up and there being lonesome souls during the holidays. I think people can use some off it to strengthen them and feel a bit comforted by it in this time and day off being as I'm planning to donate most stuff to de Boed. Tomorrow, these will be handed out to de Boed for coffee time.  

I can bring stuff to taste, modelling and sculpting / decorating has never been my thing. I believe there's a world to win for me in that field. It's a big challenge to bake pretty cookies. As long as people are dying by the masses and there are lonely and sad people to comfort these days, I'll try to be on my feet for them somehow. 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading. 

Words off meaning

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold and cloudy outside, it's just 4 degrees celsius and it's seriously cold but somehow clear outside and it doesn't rain. 

*

Reindeers, Polar Bears, Candles and then the whole range off receipes from previous year- when an elderly neighbour recommends christmas cake receipes to you, your answer would be yes too. (I hope it would be) I think I'll let her enjoy her christmas cake and the rest off de Boed too. I think reindeers are a cute christmas decoration somehow. I purchased a reindeer headband online and I just have to find a battery to lit it's decoration and be funny at the christmas table. It's not what I mean with 'Be a light in the darkness that surrounds us.' I mean being inspiring for people in your surrounding, be a heartwarming person and bring good spirits with you when you do your business.   

de Boed has become a post office. We have post lockers and they intend for clients to start working there, but nobody (including me) feels like it. Don't worry, we still have the hall, the main point for clients, but someone got it in their head to make it a post office somehow at the former office and the hallway where we had our coat rack. It's now done by PostNL staff, or staff to de Boed.  

I have the feeling being an inspiring light has become somewhat harder for me. I'm tired a lot and rather feel like being in than doing my business outside. I like to be at home a lot and sit on my couch, ignoring the world outside mainly including the internet. The last one hasn't done bad for me, and I get in what I need from the world when I have care takers visiting, or when I have my evening meal at de Boed and my small walk after that. Life isn't hard that way. I like to inspire others, but it's like I feel less like doing it. I like talking with health care staff and I go to a course every Thursday about mental health. I get educated about my disease by professional staff from the organisation that provides it. Other than that, I'm a hermit. But it's allright to be a bit like that these days, especially in winter. It's cold, the world has a pandemic and it's a hard world outside.

Sometimes I think 'Where is my light in the darkness?' Life and it's issues have cleared up for me this previous period. I live a calm life without a lot off hardships now compared to some years ago. I feel like I'm becomming more stable, but I'm also recovering from things. And I have the feeling 'what do I do it for?' People still seem all the same, no matter how much you try to be helpfull to them. I wouldn't like to let down that attitude to people. The attitude off being positive with them. So to recover from the world, I stay in a lot and ignore the rest from the world in my safe little cocoon on MY small corner off the world. I need that rest to be a good version off me the rest off the time. People who don't know this side off me wouldn't believe me and still prefer to see me as a bitch. But I'm not a bitch. I guess they'd get me wrong from the beginning on but there is no end to their prejudice. I found it wasn't my fault after all if people have no end to their nastyness about small things that happened. Their petittemindedness is worse than what I have done in my opinion. It's no use trying them to get over with it, but that's none off my business anymore. 

I live for my small corner off the world, in my small cocoon - helping people who do hard by shoving them a heart under the belt (If that's a proverb in English. It means trying to support them by lending them a hand and hoping they'll gain good spirits or even courage from what I do) I believe in it. I'm not a mental health professional, but I can help a little every now and then. You can help yourself by helping others. It's a budhistic wisdom to do so. But according to the west, you shouldn't over do it and let yourself being shoved under by it. I think I start to feel the last, but I have been on my feet for others for years. I need a little break. Cocooning does well for me these months. Helping others wasn't ment for myself to feel better by it, but it happened. I began to feel good about myself again after nasty things that happened on the internet and people hating on me such a big time after it. I decided I wanted to proove I'm a good person, after all. It works better in real life than on the internet. And sometimes those who speak nasty about someone are just nasty themselves- They don't have to proove anything to anyone so what are they, to be honest? They can be ignorant all the time without anyone misjudging them, because they are not in the spotlight my way. 

I have been fighting these incredible battles, but no one from them has seen any off it. I believe what I have done has proven me and those in my surrounding who I really am. What is superficial? Following the latest trends on alternative fashion, or still being not so edgy, walking around in sweaters and jeans but still doing your best feeding others. I have proven myself, to myself over time, in many situations. And I wish to keep on working everyday like that since nothing makes me more happy than that. It's my way off life and I love it. 

Be brave, be honest, do the right thing- Always!

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

         

Good evening at the 10th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold with hints off rain, the sky is clear and you can see the moon now. It's dark early. 

*

Wednesday Soup this week was for Nacho Soup. People enjoyed it. I started to see what a spoiled tut I was for thinking groentesoep isn't much for December, and I put it on the menu this Wednesday. Or maybe a voice did so. It was, however, a feeling somehow to do classic Dutch Vegetable Soup the next week. In this day off time, in this era with so many issues and people being poor, I can't be lifted over the horse about a kind off soup that's probably healthy and appreciated these days and makes people feel heartwarmed -and nostalgic- in winter. I have the feeling if it's highly appreciated, it's not the last time we have seen it this winter.   

I'm a bit off a hermit these weeks. I'm inside all day and barely live except for dinner and my daily walk outside with health care around the block. I'm probably doing well according to the government, with all these Corona restrictions. But I would have been this way also without Corona being so nasty on us. 

I have been listening a new CD a few times. I'm old fashioned- I still listen to CD's on old radios, and I payed a good amount off money for it instead off tuning in on Spotify for it and purchasing for cheap. Clannad is hopefully thankfull I did so. In these days, where everyone is poor but still up to date in devices, I might seem an idiot to you, but it's still my way off enjoying music. Just like I prefer a laptop over an Ipad, paper newspapers with local news over the internet when it comes to news, and an old fashioned clock with clock-hands over something more modern, and my Smartphone isn't up to date but it's no big deal for me to live like that. I still post on old fashioned weblogs like it's 2010. And is there any better genre in music than '80's? I barely follow the news, I still have a small TV catching dust somewhere in the corner off my room, but it's only on when the prime minister speeches about Corona. Other than that, it's off.  

I do believe in buying goods online, though, and my living room is a bit decorated for christmas this year. I love how it's cozy for winter and holidays. 

A lot off people in my surrounding do hard during the holidays. Most people miss a loved one and so do I. It's a season to celebrate, and to remember. Not everyone has a family to celebrate things with. You can't be over the horse in a season like this about what you have compared to others. You can't during any season in my opinion, but appreciating the small things in life and lending a hand to those who need it is, always, a good idea. Especially this season during this nasty year. When loneliness and losses can hit people extra hard and where nobody seems to have money. It's a lot to take count off, but we can't be selfish during Yule / Christmas, a celebration off sharing, the birth off Jesus Christ so you wish, and the hope for the return off light. Don't forget that the best light comes from within. One off the quotes I like to resemble: Be a light in the darkness that surrounds us. And be a good person during this holiday season. 

I had the vain hope some time long ago, that if people would do it themselves in life, we wouldn't need a heavenly saviour to safe us, or a maitreya to follow for the earth to become a better place. I say vain hope, since I've learned to know mankind and I learned how though this ideal can be. People are incredibly nasty among each other. I hope my readers will dim it a bit during the holidays somehow.  

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.        

Good evening at the 7th off December, 2021.

 Good late evening / almost morning everyone! 

Previous day was cold and rainy, and it seems to continue to over midnight. 

*

Yesterday was for preparing Pumpkin Lasagna with goat cheese at de Boed. They found an employee who is patient and helpfull enough to help me cooking for them every once a week. She supervices while I think off Vegetarian and Wholesome receipes, (As she requires) and I help her cook. I think it's a perfect way to continue what I had in mind with de Boed: Helping them by preparing wholesome dinners every now and then with healthy ingredients. I'm thinking off ordering the Vega bible. A book in the cooking bible series completely vegetarian receipe based. I think it's no big deal preparing vegetarian meals every week, as long as they're nutricious and filling enough for my audience. I can't guarantee vegan, since like I told you - I use dairy in my meals and can't do without in my opinion. But skipping meat is a good step one. 

Next week I picked a receipe for a vegetarian brusslesprout stamp, brought to taste with curry powder, walnuts and old cheese in it. And a few apple slices as a topping. I can't guarantee my receipes are skinny. When it's Vegetarian, I'm likely to replace meat with cheeses and nuts to fill the stomach off my audience. I could, offcourse, see what lentils and beans can do for me in that field since I'm open for suggestions. After the Brusselssprout stamp, we could try a bean or lentil stew or even a filled curry. I'm quite new to preparing curry's. I hope I'll do well on my first try. Strictly vegetarian is a request, since my Mary Poppins doesn't eat meat at all. (Other than that, she is nice.) It challenges me to use several capabilities to cook perfectly vegetarian. I like it. 

Outside the kitchen, I'm in a phase where I've been crying like I never cried before. I have been bawling my eyes out over my father's death and him never comming back to me (I don't wish to inform you about all details, but it comes down to that.) This is the second day I'm up to after midnight about that, I couldn't sleep and I felt like spoiling my readers with a new weblog today about my kitchen adventures. Other than that, I woe like crazy these days. Dad is about to move on in the other world, I'm not likely to see him back again soon. It hurts. I have been using up almost an entire tissue box. It's been that bad. Fot over 9 years, I haven't been so incredibly sad about it. Life probably chocked me up with other issues the previous years, but he told me by appearing at my bed side a few weeks ago I would never see him again in his current form and that he is about to move on. (I'm spiritual and it didn't scare me at all) He will be missed, and it hurts for him not to wait on us, but he's supposed to grow and learn as a person in the other world. All three off us (My brothers and me) could grow at least 60 more years each after all. It's a long wait. Generous as that may sound, I'm hurt by it. I do hard keeping mature and wise about it, and when I look in the mirror, my sadness clearly signs my face these days. I'm all red and poofy around my eyes, my face is red and swollen, and the look in my eyes is just so sad. I haven't been so sad ever since- forever. Dad may have had his reasons but I'm mourning over loosing him. Finally. 

I haven't been truly sad in 2012, since death doesn't mean forever to me, but what he said when showing up to me a few weeks ago sounded like a forever goodbye and that broke me. I hope it's not a real forever goodbye, and he will change his mind. I hope we can talk and meet up again when I'm finally there, togheter with my brothers and that we can go on togheter somehow. There have been incredible patches off sore in all off us ever since that dark period about ten years ago. Maybe he had to go on to fullfill karma, or just for the sake off having a free life again, to cure from us and we from him and then do what the upper energies felt was right. I can't sleep, I'm sad like I've never been, but it's probably all worthit in the long run. Still- 

It's how it works, life and death. And you have to do what is best for the greater good sometimes. That's how I see it. I don't know if I believe the universe is supposed to become whole again like monotheistic religions state, or, according to eastern believes like Shintoism and Buddhism, a state off being transferring into another state off being all the time. (That's called Dharma) I like to believe in a warm source off whole as our origin. But I haven't figured out, not even for myself, how it's supposed to be next. Are we on our way to becomming whole again, or just on our way to the next thing? I think I will leave the answer for how the future unfolds.     

I drink Earl Grey tea (with honey sometimes. Actually, Earl Grey works against sadness. It's not some urban legend from Great Britain, it really does something.) to help me through the dark sadness, and I talk a lot with care takers about how I feel. I feel something in me wondering if I am all alone in this world, after all.  

My head's filled with sorrow and the only thing that seems to cheer me up is christmas. The cheer off christmas being ahead. I look forward to it and I will celebrate it in my house, no matter how small I live. I need it this year. Christmas, Yuletide, no matter how you will call it, I want to celebrate it this year. 

My sadness requires me to take good care off myself. I need to sleep well, try to groom myself and eat healthy and drink a lot. It comes to my mind as it might be a challenge. I'm up untill 02.00 A.M, I hope I'll keep to my shower routine and I chocked in an entire bar off chocolate just moments ago. I could also have a bit off merci on my soul and not be strict on myself these weeks. 

I thank you for reading.-  

That's about it for now.  

Good evening at the 4th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was rainy, cold, grey, and gloomy. I wonder when I can report you about better weather. It didn't happen this summer. Hopefully spring and summer will ever come (with positive news) And we can see a better year next year. 

*

My mustard soup was received well at de Boed this Wednesday for Wednesday Soup. People loved it and I got even the biggest soup sceptic eating it. People who usually don't like soup, love my soups. I don't want to brag about myself, but I have the feeling my mustard soup can compete with de Zaanse Schans. They are world famous and good for 6 million tourists each year. And they have a coffee point serving mustard soup, but to be honest I have to try that one before I judge. It will give me something to do sooner or later. A walk around de Zaanse Schans and tasting mustard soup the way it's supposed to be. Or close to supposed to be. As mine is pretty good too. I invented it myself the way I serve it to them. I got called the Soup Queen at de Boed. It's a funny compliment. Like said, next week will be for Mexican Nacho soup. Just like always, I wish to give it my best and hopefully I'm restaurant worthy again next week.  

Today my family visited for coffee with Sinterklaas pastry. Tomorrow will be the official Sinterklaas celebration for this year, but my family came here today and I served them coffee while they brought the cake. We all kept perfectly by the Corona rules and I had a good day today. 

Tomorrow, it will be Sinterklaas evening and present day for most children. After that, Sinterklaas goes back to Spain, and next thing will be Christmas. I wish to serve de Boed a great soup as a start up for whatever christmas dinner they are going to have the days after that. Other than that, I have no big plans. I wish for christmas decorations in my home and hopefully I can get my hands on reindeer christmas tree decorations, or deer christmas tree decorations. I wish for it to look sparkly and have antlers. And who knows I can have christmas antlers too this year. I'd walk around with a headband with antlers in the supermarket and at de Boed all day if I could get my hands on it. 'I'm a reindeer, bitches.' I already purchased a somewhat chique fluffy warm sweater to wear at the christmas dining table. I believe in comfy and oversized this year, and my family doesn't do officially chique at christmas. No dresses and suits,  So why walking out off line? Antlers and a warm sweater are perfect this year.       

A few more headlines: a care taker got Corona and has to stay at home for a while, and two ladies fainted in the hall off de Boed these weeks. It's been almost suspicious how the last thing happened, in both cases there had to come an ambulance to bring them to the hospital for some time. Both are back home by now (One happened today this morning, I was not aware because I had guests) and both have to take it incredibly easy these days.     

I purchased 'Ganbatte.' By Fransesc Miralles and Héctor Garcia by accident. I had to see if my bank account was still working after blocking a payment and if it wasn't my account having a bug, it worked and so I purchased that book. It's the fourth in my collection off their Japanese wisdom books and I love reading them. I can recommend it to people who want to know about Japanese philosophys. It's practical and helpfull and it reads nice for people who love to read about things worth knowing from both western and eastern wisdom and bhuddistic wisdoms. If that's your cup off tea, it's worthit. They started their range with a book about Ikigai. (Their best known work)  

I hope the western world and the world in general will survive Corona. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you for reading.