Good evening at the 15th off November, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright and beautifull, it felt both cold and warm today (And I don't have a fever) and that was a strange feeling. It was both, sunny and windy. 

*

Today was for a walk. I have been taking a walk with healthcare to a recently discovered treasure: A small park at the fancy tourist area, hidden behind buildings and not visible if you'd pass the street unnoticing. But last week a caretaker and I went walking there by foot, mentioning our surrounding and ended up at that small park. It's lovely. It's romantic, it has ponds and rose bushes and a romantic Zaan bridge and a romantic looking pavilion stated in it. It's perfect and I love being there and just take my time and enjoy that place, where it looks like time stood still somehow. A walk at the park doesn't cost money. It's free to enjoy rose bushes and ponds and romantic looking pavillions stated in public areas. And when we go back we pass by a touristic street with cool shops ment for tourists and tourist agencies to guide people across the windmills and coffee. Which is also a cool thing. Today wasn't such a bad day, despite to be low on money just before the holidays. The park, by the way, smells like chocolate since we pass by the cacao factory when we go there. (Zaanstad is crowded with all kinds off factories) It's the perfect location for a date or a wedding in my opinion. It's almost as if the 1950's have never ended there, and it's stated behind a retirement home. It's perfect for a walk, and it gives my mind so much more space to know that it's there. I love it. I'm planning to take pictures in spring. I think it's going to be perfect for photographs. Strange old casual me and her caretakers can pass such an area when we have time, but hopefully many a bride and groom have also found it. It's perfect for that. It's called Koogerpark. It's fancy and romantic. 

I'm dreaming off Christmas make-up boxes the size off a small cabinet, in fancy limited edition packages, costing at least 100 euro's. I'm probably thankfull next year when I can afford that. (I'm not going to spend 100 euro's on such a thing, with drawers and drawers off luxury and at least three shades off lipstick. I barely wear make-up to be honest.) My mind is probably over-acting on having to be sober this month. You know that mindset, where you over idealize items you don't need when you don't have money, and which you are not about to buy anyway when you'd have it. It's probably been that way with the luxurious make-up cabinet. I have never seen such a luxurious box and it's not in the limited editions off any brand I'm into this year, but it's a stupid day-dream I can really loose myself into these days. 

I can count myself lucky my new pyjama's have arrived. I really am gratefull I received them and I still have somewhat off Christmas this year. Just like in olden days, people should feel gratefull for such things. Like I do this evening. I feel gratefull I have at least a bit off Christmas. And they're cool pyjama's which are hopefully warm for these cold nights. That's the most important. 

I also took another look at everyday items I have been using for ages, feeling more gratefull I have them, like bodywash, boybutter, shampoo and conditioner. I have been using the same for years, and they're not Christmas, but I feel a bit more glad I have it 'on the shelves.' during such a hard time and I can smell nice and be taken care off. I can shower and smell nice, and it sure is a thing to be gratefull for. I have been to the hairdresser recently, it was the cheap Leviaan hairdresser, but I got cut and I can look fine without spending the head price on it. 

I don't dye red, auburn, brown or sheer blonde, I have been dying a cool dark blonde shade in my hair and out off protest to many people, I think I keep it at that. It's a shade that doesn't look strange nowadays. More modern young women have it in their hair these days but I still rebel against fashionistas and alternatives when I keep it like that. The world is too full off superficialness. If I can get away with it, I will. I'm not going to buy hairdye for it on purpose, it's expensive and I wish to work with what I still got on the shelves first. But it somehow feels like a colour that is matching me, since I believe in Au Naturel with just a touch off beauty when it comes to my beauty ideal. A natural hair colour that looks like I haven't dyed at all but still makes me look beautifull suits me. I don't want to tone it down to zero, that would be no fun at all. But often I believe in 'less is more.' with most women. Offcourse people will tell me that in this modern day and time people should do whatever they please with their looks, whether I like it or not. And sure, I can enjoy a bold colour in my looks in my clothes and on my nails, but I don't like too much off a good thing on myself most off the time. I have tried blonde, I have tried dark, and now I'm recovering from a depression when it comes to my looks. I hate people who declare I HAVE to dye my hair a certain way to fit into their ideal off beauty, wheter it be blonde, red or black. I prefer to keep that choice in my own hands and not dying at all isn't it either. so this shade it is. 

I wear no make-up, my hair is dyed a natural shade and I prefer to look as clean and fresh as possible. Despite everything, I believe in clean and fresh. Still my hair is cut nicely. I blow-dry every often so I do care about that. Despite looking like that, I still feel fine about myself. It has been diffrently in the recent past, but nowadays I can look in the mirror again and feel well  about myself again. I felt so low for a while you won't believe it. I was depressed as a doorknob and I can be proud I got over it without doing ridiculous things to my looks, or massively changing the person I am. I can say I have a pretty face again and feel nice and feminin again when I care for it instead off just brushing my hair and then wishing to get away from the mirror as soon as possible. Allright. Sometimes I wear brown eyepencil, a mascara or a natural lipstick. When I feel like it but I'm not some kind off people pleaser who would do anything to fit into the standards off others, men or women. I'm proud off myself I'm vain again sometimes. I have been wearing a make-up look to my mom's birthday previous week, but today I'm not wearing anything at all. I love the freedom to choose whether I do so or not. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good morning at the 13th off November, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

Today is a beautifull day in autumn with the leaves all pretty and the skies all clear, a hint off a cloud and sunny. It's cold though. 

*

This christmas period, I have to skip on a lot off luxury. I got a bit off money from mom, but my pay account isn't in much off a christmas mood. I purchased a few warm pyjama's last night for the cold winter nights since what I wear is not suitable for cold weather and I have to wear a vest all the time to stay warm in bed under my extra blankets. I saw a Christmas duvet cover I liked, but I had to skip it due to being low on money. Just like christmas clothes, a scent from The Body Shop and things like body butter from that range, cookbooks that came out recently, (And it's a lot) a novel from an author I like, and many more things this month simply because I can't afford. 

I have been saving money for christmas poststamps. I have been making a few euro's with selling paintings and cake and I decided to put that to use this year and buy christmas poststamps, and I already have cute christmas cards, like I said before. I gave my readers advice earlier on on how to celebrate an affordable christmas. Wear clothes from previous year, ditch the gifts if you don't have kids and work with what you still have on stock. I have to make choices this year. Though I don't have kids, gifts are important to me and I will see if I can get some at the cheap shops. It doesn't has to cost the headprice and I can celebrate Christmas at mom's, which saves me out on a Christmas dinner. I can also see if they have that shirt with the cute pinguin in the real life shop, which saves me an internet purchase. I'm pretty sure I can afford a Christmas shirt with real life money this year. I can't go overboard with luxury, but my shelves are full with items and products, and when it comes to that I can certainly make it this month. (I'm someone who hoards when she has money. I purchase multipacks, supplies and other items in large amounts so I have a stock on hand for times when I do less. Like this month.) It's a bit sour that it has to happen during the holidays. 

I had the luck I found a scent on my shelves from previous year for christmas, and I still happen to have a lot off perfume. So not buying a scent could be considered a first world problem in this case. I have duvet covers, and Christmas blankets, so despite the lack off Christmas in my duvet covers, I still have christmas on my bed. I purchased pyjama's in Christmas colours, so I can still have a bit off Christmas in my bed this year. The cookbooks are a bit baling, but I can also purchase them months after Christmas since I suspect they will be out for quite some time, they're not the newest off the newest anymore when I buy them, but it's going to be a long term project and it's just like that novel I would like to have, and that makes that problem solved. 

I still have decorations on the shelves and I have a home wich has a bit off holiday allure. Especially during the holidays, it's an allure that doesn't need much to give the feeling off a luxurious christmas. The rest off the year it's just allure (I hope it reflects that, since that's what I go for) And I already purchased a few decorations this year when my finances where still doing well. Maybe the Action has more for me from mom's money. (I also adviced my readers to take a bit off help from their parents when they do hard with Christmas this year.) 

I have had a fight with Hector the Ladybug in my head. I told him I have been giving away napkins to de Boed. I had a stock off packages from the period where I thought collecting napkins was a cool thing, and I had quite a cool collection. I was never about to use them so I decided to give away ten packages. I still have some napkins on stock for when I need them, but I believed giving away what I had too much was a good idea, just like giving away an orange nail polish to de Boed's nail polish bin so it can be off use to others for the soccer World Championship this month. I thought, if I keep it I have profit off it, but if I give it away, many ladies at de Boed can enjoy it this month. Hector got upset for me giving away items while I'm not rich, and he believed I was about to give away his items too if I could get a hand on it, and he didn't have stuff to give away. I realy had to explain to him the art off sharing. No matter how poor you are. I wasn't about to give away his items and those napkins and nailpolish where mine. Though he said he almost claimed them to keep the home at balance and know where everything is. Hector feels selfish and those napkins and nailpolish where mine so I could decide myself whether I wanted to give it away. I feel my napkins cheer up our boring meals when they use them. So that fullfills me with joy when we go to have lunch or dinner. Last night we had Hutspot with my old superhero napkins. That was pretty cool and I didn't use them anyway. 

What does that say about me that I got a fight with the voice inside my head over sharing stuff? I share stuff all the time, home made bakings, household products, that kind off stuff. I think it's important we share during a crisis where everything is so expensive. Poverty makes you think diffrent than when you would have had everything just for yourself your entire life, and I have been raised by a mom who believes in sharing stuff. I have been brought up with giving and sharing and that was a good thing. I hate selfishness, just like I hate arrogance. Hector wasn't just selfish, he also claimed my napkins and my freedom to do with them whatever I pleased. I told him I still have enough off them for myself and I told him his selfishness was everything that's wrong with modern youth in my opinion. It's not bad to share if you can. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.         

Good evening at the 6th off November, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's rainy and wet outside. It's a grey autumn day. 

*

Today was for sharing apricot-cookie spices jam cookies at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. 

It was a good idea, and they're almost gone since people kept on coming back for a second one, or a third one. I think they will never taste the same after this huge crisis where everything is so expensive. But I have been silly enough to hand these to de Boed for free for them. I can talk easily. I'm a single woman with recources on the shelves and money on the bank. I got an accountant and a back up from Leviaan if life turns wrong this way. I can easily bake and share it with others. I believe in the saying: Small effort, big effect. Jam cookies are not hard, it's a bit off a work to fill them with jam, but it's not difficult. And sharing it feels great. I love to share my bakings. It's also such a compliment when it got liked big time.  

Other than finishing these cookies this morning, (baking them. I have been preparing the dough yesterday and this morning I have been baking everything.) and sharing them I have been a bit lazy today. I have been tired from doing a lot in my home and that got appreciated too by the caretaker who made my bed and folded my laundry this morning. Homework pays off. Not in money, but in positive vieuws and comments from caretakers. I can't always do it. Usually it's hard due to medication and lack off care for anything. But this week I was motivated. I think that is how it always should be: Motivated and on my feet to clean the house. I'm not the only one who slacks with it and motivation is difficult for a lot off people. But lucky are those who can find it within themselves. Honestly, I have been depressed a bit (A bit much) for a long time. 

Next week there won't be a baking, since it's going to be my mother's birthday and I will attempt there. I haven't been there for a while. Not since summer. Usually I go there more but my broken ankle was in the way. In fact, I had been planning going there for a whole week. But it didn't go as planned. I haven't had much off a summer vacation this year, except for day-dreaming about cruises over my own made chickensoup. And dreaming off the Sydney opera house. It didn't go much further than that. At least food makes people day-dream sometimes when it's good. In my day-dreams, I can go on vacations. Still, what do we got here? A cale potato stamp for dinner, a rainy day and old Zaandijk with all it's touristic charm. I'm stuck in the Netherlands most off the time. At least we had jamcookies today. Otherwise it would have been really boring without a clue. 

My home still smells like home made cookies. That's a positive thing about today. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good evening at the 5th off November, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold, cloudy, rainy and grey in Zaandijk. The small village in the Netherlands where I live. 

*

This week was for being far more active in the house than I have been for a while. I have been cleaning more than usuall and I feel it in my back. The below part off my back hurts. Is that just due to being lazy or could it be something else? If it keeps on going this way, I have to be persistant to caretakers. It feels kinda serious. 

I have been cleaning the house, made an attempt to make crab chowder with corn for Wednesday Soup, I started to watch a new series on Netflix, I kept up with the household much better than usuall. I was death tired when watching that show on Netflix yesterday evening. Mentally I'm fine this week. It's as if something has been really activating me. Which caretakers appreciate. Due to Netflix I have been less active on my weblog. I can't do both: watch series and blog. But this evening I thought I would give blogging a try. I have been watching The Witcher. A fantasy series I can highly recommend if you are into that. I think it can even classify as High Fantasy. A title which is something to be carefull with since it's tied to strict rules, but as far as I can see, I think this fits the application and it's something the audience off Elfia would probably love. If they're older than 16, since it's for 16 and up. It's about Geralt off Rivia, the cold blooded and muscled Witcher who slays monsters for his job and gets paid for that, and the downfall off Cintra. It's situated in a medieval style fantasy world with all kinds off Fantasy creatures. It only has two seasons so far. 

The Witcher hasn't been activating me, but me setting myself to watch is part off the 'being more active.' week. It's better than being bored a lot and doing nothing all the time. Despite my back. 

Today has been for fixing cookiedough. I'm about to bake jam cookies tomorrow for de Boed's Sunday coffee moment. I have been adding my cookie spices to it, and I'm going to use apricot jam for a filling. It's a bit middle eastern that way, but that could be just my imagination about it. The base off this receipe comes from Rutger van den Broek, my baking hero. It required star Anise and fig jam, but I got the idea for jam cookies with cookiespices and apricot jam for a while in my head, so this weekend I'm giving it a try. Star Anise and fig jam are heaven in your mouth in my opinion, but that's for another time. And Star Anise is quite daring. I personally love it but I can see why some don't like it. I also got an idea for vanilla or lemon dough with black currant jam as a filling. But de Boed are picky eaters. I just hope I got away with cookie spices and apricot. I will take pictures once it's done. 

Last week was for a Halloween applecake. I just poked Halloween skewers in it, it didn't look much like Halloween, but it's been probably all Halloween the people at de Boed can appreciate, since they're old and cranky and often don't have much on that 'American humbug.' But the applecake got appreciated. And it's been all Halloween I had this year. Not much off a party for me this year, unfortunately. Just a cake with our afternoon Sunday coffee. That's the price for living with people who are off age in a country with no Halloween tradition untill recent. de Boed didn't even decorate for it, like they do for other holidays. 

Downdressing for the crisis goes well. I dress low-profile not to make people uneasy with their finances these weeks. I don't wear make-up and I did dye my hair, but I have been using a package that's been on my shelves for years in a cool dark blonde tone, so it doesn't look over the top. I have been dying my hair for the first time in months. Sometimes I do hard with my own restrictions, and then I went overboard with dying last week. Still it's been easy to follow and I believe I do well with it in this old factory place, where people usually don't have much to spend, especially during a massive crisis. I don't like it, since I love to wear bold colours and fancy looking clothes. but it's been not a bad idea. I seem to fit in the crowd quite easily when I do so. I don't like to brag when others don't have it. That would be painfull for them and I couldn't stand that feeling myself when I was a teen. I'm still not rich, but I'm wealthy enough to wear nice clothes. Nowadays, that's not a cool thing. I just hope this whole thing will come to an end soon, and I can wear pretty clothes again. Today was for an old sweater, soft grey pants, cheap socks and sneakers. Though I'm downdressed I like to stay clean and washed. I allow myself to be fresh under these clothes, since I still find that important. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 22nd off October, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today started with autumn rain, but at the moment it's sunny and bright for autumn. Leaves are falling off the trees and it's cold. 

*

Today was for painting at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. It's the Saturday activity off today. I promised an old friend off mine to paint him something after selling a first painting to him which was very much to his liking. It's not been much money. Just 5 euro's but I appreciate he wanted to buy it in the first place and so with this second painting. I can't tell the original artist, but I painted it after some examples from an abstract artist. I haven't exactly been copy-pasting, but filling in some lines from these works a care taker has been drawing on the canvas. I happen to be capable to paint and I seem to have a nice style with it. 

I copied the woman with the cello from an original painting, but did a diffrent background on it with less details, but a nice shade off icy blue. Five euro's is not bad for it. And I'm not officially publishing this as my own. So I believe it's not art-theft. I should look up the original artist. The first painting was even more captivating, I painted it with diffrent colours. So dark hair instead off blonde, a yellow dress instead off a red one and a red hat instead off a black one. I have no picture off that, unfortunately. Still my friend loved it and wanted to have it. And that's how this second one came to be. 

I also painted an elephant. Which was the subject off this week: Painting elephants. Abstract was the subject off previous month. But I was allowed to paint this one by the caretaker who is in charge off painting. 

I made this out off this week's subject and I have the feeling it's not finished yet. I like to paint. There's also painting every week, but it's usually on a time I'm not available for it. I have other duties like grocery shopping on that time off the week. So I can't. But every month on Saturday there's also painting. Next month will be peacocks and that was my idea. On other Saturdays, other caretakers work and do diffrent creative activities with us. Usually I'm at home baking something for Sundays when that takes place since it's often not to my liking. But painting is fun. I have the feeling I make some people jealouse with the idea off painting on Saturday, provided to me simply because I'm sick. It's not my intention to bring out green monsters to people who do less well and who don't have the opportunity to paint on their free Saturday. I even make a little money with some works, but that's simply because people think I'm good at it. It's not my intention to be a jerk with it. 

I'm going to put the money I earned with this to use and purchase Christmas poststamps with it. (Or pay a part off the Christmas poststamps) I purchased Christmas cards and I went a bit for the nostalgic feeling. It's old fashioned painted with birds (rubins) being the main subject on it. Frumpy? Old- Fashioned? Vintage? Nostalgia? All off that, but I fell for the cute birds on it. I'm still glad I can send people postcards for Christmas this year, though. It's not a modern print that scares them off. I believe they can appreciate. Old-fashioned is in fashion. So I think I do well with it. 

My plaster is off off my foot. I can get used to it. People said I probably need to get used to the feeling off not having it anymore, but I love it already. 

 

It's only a bit sensitive when you would intentionally press it. Other than that I can perfectly walk with it. Climb stairs and move myself around. It's all painless. I'm so glad I can wash it again since it was all sweaty and felt filthy after such a time. 

I'm watching Netflix a lot and I love it. Mainly teenage fantasy, romantic comedies and studio Ghibli. I love Netflix. It's the perfect way to spend an otherwise boring evening. Yesterday was for Princess Mononoke and I'm glad I watched it. I loved it. 

Tonight is for spinach with potatoes and meat. I don't live in luxury when it comes to food. My head somehow hurts this evening and I don't know where that feeling comes from. Today has been a good and productive day. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good afternoon at the 15th off October, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cold, cloudy and rainy. It's grey outside. It's a gloomy autumn day in the Netherlands. 

*

What else is there to say than life's a bit depressing at this moment? The weather is grey, the crisis hits us hard and I decided to change to simple clothes and embrace just being clean for the crisis' sake. I try to wear not too expensive clothes/ clothes wich look simple and affordable. They're comfy and warm, and I'm certain Buddha would appreciate off me looking simple when it comes to my looks. Like said, these are not the days to stick out the eye off other people wearing expensive stuff. I can still afford nice clothes, but I decided to stick with clean, warm & simple for the crisis' sake. 

I personally think staying clean despite it all is still important. So I keep on being washed but there are people probably even doing hard with that due to this murderous crisis. 

I try to keep on doing small fun things to keep my head up during this crisis- like sending fun postcards, pampering myself a little with a charcoal-sugar facemask every so often, baking nice stuff and watching movies on Netflix when I can set myself to watch. Usually I would paint my nails to feel better, but I think it's inappropriate to look too pricey these months- so I don't do that these weeks. Nailpolish is for when people can afford things again. Buddha would be proud off me. I've shown my social circles my new 'crisis' look with a photo on facebook. As a grown up woman, you'd better show a picture off your naked ass in public than a picture off yourself thát ungroomed, but my personal crisis and the economic crisis make me feel I have nothing to be ashamed off these months. It's just that it's not my usuall clothes. I think I can firmly say I can be proud off myself for taking attemps in not looking spoiled. Though I still think my look is middle instead off low. I'm still wearing new clothes after all. 

All off this is depressing. The crisis, the war, the weather, everything being expensive, the house being cold at night, people in the streets looking poor and on their last leggs, all the children for who I feel bad for growing up in a world like this (I'm sorry to say) and they keep coming. People keep on making babies like it's nothing nowadays. I don't feel good about that, but mankind would probably get extinct if everyone would think like me and take mind over matters. Still I'm proud off myself for not having a hungry mouth to feed. I get by and I can fend for myself these days, despite it all- but that's mainly because I depend on de Boed and it's cheap ass meals each day. Even in weekends I almost feel I'm becoming a boiled potato. Especially during weekends I'm doing hard with not having good foods. I don't mean takeout or fastfood, but something that looks like they've done their best more for it that's not so cheap. But I have no choice. On every regulair day I have a full right to complain, but during a massive crisis I shouldn't be so spoiled. Still, you see my point: The reality off the day works against my good spirits. 

I'm tired a lot. Though not much happens in my small world, what happens in the world weighs heavily on my shoulders. I'm so tired from stressing over it. Stress is funest for delusions. It's not a good thing to feel it as much as I do these weeks. Still, I stress over it. I have the feeling this can take longer than what's good for me, but it won't take decades. Still we might be at the beginning off it. That's not good for me. At least not the state I'm in at the moment. The war in Ukraine can take another four to five years, including the gas crisis and the economical trouble we're in. I'm glad the government will compensate a lot for us, but it's still not easy. Maybe we get out by it somewhere around 2026. That takes years for us to get over with everything. As far as I can foresee it, the war in Ukraine will take another few years. Including the crisises that come with it. I could talk 'more positive. To keep spirits from being down.' But I should tell the truth. Despite not everyone wants to hear me. I'm so tired from all off the stress. 

de Boed has a lot off tension these days. Yesterday there was almost a fight, but staff could keep it from happening. It happens a lot. People are fed up more easily and get angry at each other a lot. It's psychiatric health, that happens a lot. It's not like they are watching Disney movies all day being senile. They're mainly difficult people who get annoyed very easily. I don't always like being among them. There's a lot to say for staying in my house a lot and avoiding them if I can. They are nice to me and I have no problems with any off them, but among each other they're fighting a lot and that takes a toll off me. I'm so tired from all off this. I hate to be used to mental violence. 

From very early on, I'm used to mental violence in diffrent forms. It's not good for my personal development to have to deal with it a lot. I'm a problemcase and I have been for a long time. Most people don't get this about me. I'm not violent myself, but my surrounding is. Still I can get angry. And when I am, it can be intense. I deal with a lot off things in my life. I always have. I react a bit diffrent on situations than most common people. I must be hurt that this comes out at this moment. The world is hurting me at this moment. That much is true. A lot off people don't know the real me and usually I don't show who I am for real. Nobody probably has the slightest idea about me. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

      

Good evening at the 11th off October, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a beautifull day in autumn. Sunny periods changed cloudy ones, but this afternoon the sun shone pretty bright despite it being cold. 

*

Today was for baking two banana cakes. I can't seem to upload the pictures on here, but they came out quite well out off the mold. I felt somewhat off a rush while baking them this morning. Almost a psychotic rush and that's why I managed to even do the dishes after baking. I had fun while doing so, though. Baking them for afternoon coffee tomorrow was a good idea. I don't know if all ladybugs or animaniacs on the other side off the screen believe me when I say I baked. After all, picture or it didn't happen. But this time they have to believe me on my word. I adjusted nuts, coconut and cookiespices to the cake batter. It's quite luxurious cake for tomorrow and I can be proud off it. 

I happen to have a bit off a cold. Runny nose, sore throat, shivers down my body. It's fading away today, but it was there and it was annoying. Luckily I'm having a strong immune system. Though I'm still not good. The cold central heating at night makes me freeze when I'm in bed. It's no miracle I caught a cold. Luckily there is hot showers, warm tea and vitamin C pills, and I hope my ladybug guardian angel will help me with this. I also got a burn on my left arm from the oven when inserting cakes. It's quite a patch. It's so cold at night in my flat. I have to get used to it. Everyone probably has their central heating low these days and feels cold at night due to the energy crisis. 

I had an energy rush this morning when making cakes. It's not promising something good to be in hypermode and I don't know if that was due to medication changes. I know I haven't felt like that in a long time, though. It made me feel like superwoman, but it's also been quite dangerous when thinking off it. On the other hand, it's been better than wasting my morning and doing nothing all the time. I probably got fed up with the crisis and that's why I have been using all these expensive ingredients. Sometimes schizophrenic people have care delusions where they start to do extaordinairy luxurious things or perform much better in self-care than what they did, or buy luxurious products for themselves. It's a rush which whispers in this strong sense off doing so and acting out on it is something we often regret later on due to all the money that was spend due to that unthoughtfull act. I have been heaping things up, and now it came out alltogheter in the kitchen though I had fun. Care delusions don't have anything to do with spoiled ness, and they are not ment as a lame excuse for splurges. I don't know the correct term for it and I don't even know the correct term for it in Dutch, all I know is that it's there and I can have trouble with it sometimes. Usually I slack in self-care, but now I changed medication, it erupted a bit in the kitchen. This crisis is not going to be helpfull with that. On one hand, I prefer to keep it moderate not to spend too much money so I can make it through. On the other hand there's delusions pulling my jacket to buy items. That happened before. Delusions make me buy items when I hang in them too much. Often it's not really dangerous, but sometimes I think I am a character from the past and start acting out on them in a beauty routine or a shopping spree. I don't roleplay thoughtfully, it's all delusional when I do so which makes it dangerous. I had a period where I thought I had previous lives in the Roman Empire, which made me dress and make-up in that style and even wear tiara's in public. I believe I didn't look too strange since I kept it all modern and cool. I just looked inspired. I also had one where I dyed my hair a few shades blonder, to match another delusion. I have fun when being delusional, nevertless. But it's not a good thing. 

Now I have been dulling myself down by not dying my hair and not wearing make-up most off the time, I feel it's probably down the corner off the street again. I had a few delusions about being a Victorian or Edwardian in my previous lives, which require no make-up but which are more thoughtfull about the hair. Today was for jumping a bit out off my common routine since I picked a nice shirt for myself this morning. I still had it in my closet so I haven't spend money on it, but people asked all the time if it was new and I got complimented on it a lot. People loved it. Usually in winter I go for the same old longsleeves which the public can probably dream me in. There was no thought behind wearing something nice today, just that my usuall longsleeves where all in the laundry. But maybe looking a bit better or more original than usuall these days, triggered something in me but I hope not. 

Somehow I hope it will all work out tomorrow and my strong feeling off making luxurious banana cakes was adjust. I think I will bale a bit next week in the supermarket for having to re-store my stock and purchasing nuts to re-fill my baking stock. Other than that I believe I did a good job despite it all.    

Maybe I don't do a good job holding myself back when not being delusional. I have the feeling having to play it cheap and a bit boring the upcomming period not to offend most people, might be hard for me. I have a starsign who prefers it original, loud and luxurious most off the time. Classy with an original twist- that's me.

People in the streets off the city looking so cheap is NOT to my liking. I can be chique on a minimum wage, but not everyone can. (That sounds mean.) People looking ratchet and poor these days is a shame. Not to them, but to what's going on in the world. I don't like the streetvieuw to have altered this way. It came off as a nightmare to me. 

At de Boed, not much has changed when it comes to fashion. Most people wear dark clothes which look fine. No make-up, and natural hair for most women. But their clothes look fine despite them not having much. I think the people in the streets are not used to being poor, unlike us who still make something out off it. de Boed looks still good in their clothes and don't look cheap or shabby at all. They're mainly mental, middle aged people with a low income. But still, vain enough on themselves. Common people can learn from us. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.