Good evening at the 28th off February, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was grey and rainy in The Netherlands. 

*

Every often, when I feel poor, I send a postcard to grandma, I do the laundry, and then do my nails. I don't know why, I feel a little more rich when doing so, though my postcards nowadays are donated by mom, including the poststamps, laundry wash comes from the storage room, and my nailpolish is cheap. But it's a certain way off maintaining which requires small luxury. It does when I feel broke. It causes good moods, among myself, grandma and care staff, and it gives more off a clue when I feel low on money. it works. I'm not Buddha, teaching others how to solve things a certain way, nor a preacher telling you what to believe. But it's a tip and maybe you got something onto it when you feel poor. A feeling most off us can't escape these days. But maybe you feel better by performing these small acts. Though I have to be honest, mom donated the postcards and the poststamps. And the laundry wash did not came in cheap, but I've been hoarding it. And washing with it feels luxurious and my laundry is done and smells nice. And yes, cheap nailpolish, but 'on the shelves.' In fancy colours and with shines in them. Mainly by Essence or Catrice. You feel a little more fancy when you've done so. 

What also gives that certain feeling nowadays, and what keeps me truly happy, is to perfectly bake a basic, plain pound cake and share it at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk ment for mental patients. It's nothing more fancy than just simple cake, but you should see how happy it makes people. A slice off fresh cake with their plain coffee on a Sunday afternoon. They're so gratefull. It's not much for a hobbyist like me, who is used to much more decadent bakings, but I still got this. And it's a bit off appropriate pride to bake 'em perfect every time nowadays. Simply to keep up spirits and not get cranky. As someone who always has been poor in my youth, I know what it's like to live with little. And we should not let it get the best off us. It's less than my old way off baking, but at least we have it and it still makes them happy and gratefull. I think I'm going to remind that about them. How little it took for them to be gratefull. A slice off fresh made cake, a cup off fresh brewed coffee, to sing a nice song for them- and I make their day with it. To me it's as if these nice people are happy with almost nothing. And it works for me. Maybe since they're older. If they where my age or younger, I think they would be more spoiled. But these people are so gratefull, I love it. There's a certain Japanese wisdom about being kind. I believe in it when it comes to this. I'm not perfect at being kind all the time, but I try. It's hard to stay kind nowadays, and it's impossible to keep on seeing the good in people. I failed at that, but I did not fail in my attempt at local kindness. I grid my teeth, and I keep on trying. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

  

Good evening at the 27th off February, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening it's raining outside. It's been cold. But doable if you had to be inside all day. 

*

Maybe the 'O' - word was a bit too much on the previous weblog. I imagine steady camping boys who are not off my interest falling out off a pine cone tree on Corsica when reading that. And really, I'm not after that effect. Not with the camping boys. And honest, there's interesting men, and there's camping boys. But you know it, you got them reading it. I'm not really attractive either, but, you know, it's the wrong kind off attention from the wrong audience. I think I should keep my words tame on here to keep a nice image, and to keep the wrong male gaze out. It's a statement and personal life blog, we're not after that sort off attention. I want my neighbours to be capable to watch without feeling ashamed, and my neighbours are over their 70's. Or do I? Then I should really tame it down. It's a lame excuse. I just don't want le them camping boys to 'feel it.' due to that word.   

Today was for being sick at home after coffee service. I felt really sick after it, and stayed in for the entire afternoon. I got visited by a care taker who was really nice company and helped me through. Making me watch Spirit on Netflix. It was a nice film. Really worthit the watch, and the feeling faded somewhat throughout the evening. I have no fever, and they're not after determing what my problem is. So I'm actually a bit gloomy in for no official reason. But it's no big problem. Latest gadget from the care office: Armpit thermometers. I think I don't want to know how gross that thing actually is. They used to have ear thermometers with plastic caps, so it's been quite hygienic. They put it in my ear to measure if I had a fever. I wonder what happened to it, they should bring it back. I think that armpit thing is too gross. 

So, I ended up staying in watching a film. It's no punishment in my cute tiny home. That's the luck I got with this. I promised tomorrow I will attend for coffee at de Boed again. But being in and taking it easy has priority if it 'has to be and feel like this.' 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

   

Good morning at the 27th off February, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

This night is very cold, close to freezing point. 

*

We should not compare ourselves to others, it's a rule off thumb for the internet. Meanwhile a voice in my head started saying: 'Some cheeks just look like an orgasm, while yours...' when looking at a make-up video where the YouTuber really had done her best on her cheek make-up, blusher, liquid shimmering bronzers, pretty highlighter, another shiny blush- really like the starsign Pisces ideal off cheeks. (They're known, or at least I know them, for being fancy. And fond off make-up.) 

In my head, it started to compare hers to my video where I just wore the blush 'Berry Cute.' And my cheeks just wheren't it. I'm not jealouse. I'm just comparing. The voice saying I should make more work out off my cheeks. I come from a period where I felt all grungy, rebelling aginst the beauty ideal. Someone broke my heart, and I just did not feel like being overly pretty. Actually, I felt like doing the complete opposite and do more like anti-war statement looks on myself. They're expecting you to combat with better looks, while I actually think off him as a complete loser not worthit the fight. So no overdone make-up for him from me, just ugly, broken hearted anger and grunge. And anti-war statements, since, let's face it, we're in a war-era. But it's not because I wanted to portray Marilyn effin Monroe that I started to wear red lipstick. Red lipstick is known as statement lipstick. I always picture myself with it and post it on Facebook when I do so. Not for the men, but for the peace - statement. Just like my haircut and the dirty blonde hairdye. It's statement. Though I felt being a little more playfull with it yeaterday and blowing air into it. 

  

This is what I look like nowadays, it's not like total neglect or deep rotten depression anymore. I started to do my refined 'beauty secrets.' again, that make me look better. It's not total neglect, but it's been four crushes and a whole new life later ever since that low-hearted jerk broke me. Seven years, actually. And meanwhile I felt like falling for four other men and recently I felt like saying that neglected look goodbye and go for it again. My cheeks don't look like a make-up orgasm yet, but I'm getting my natural self togheter again. 

 

This is me with my statement wear. Anti-war statement red lipstick, and the statement haircut in dirty blonde. I also wear some mascara on this picture. I serve coffee each week with this on. My coffee audience loves it and started calling me Marilyn Monroe. (With all respect to her.) But it's not the effect I'm after. This is ment to be statement. I take effort for the lipstick, I use balm, liner, a lipbrush and cotton tips to make it look good. This world is too rotten serious for badly done statement lips. People say it's too bold, but we're at a death serious war. It can't be bold enough. It's what I care about. Moonlight flushed orgasm cheeks are probably after I got proposed or so. Otherwise I don't see myself doing them. But maybe I got somewhat inspired. Doing pretty princess cheeks on myself. Lately, I have been doing pearl nails, so maybe I'm a bit bitten by the pearls and the shimmers. A coffee lady should look pulled well-togheter and fancy. While she serves outstanding coffee, and knows what to do in the coffee room. 

I think statement looks kick more ass than all the other looks at the moment. Pretty or not, it's the least we can do for Ukraine and peace. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading 

 

Good afternoon at the 22th off February, 2025, 2.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is a dreary day in the Netherlands, it's somewhat warmer than a few days ago, but it's still grey and dark. 

*

Today was for baking a cake from scratch. 

Without a package, own bought eggs, but with self-rising flour. It's been made according to the basics off baking cake. It might not seem like much, and it's for our Sunday afternoon coffee. But please remember that in crisis Netherlands, cream butter and eggs are already expensive. It might seem simple, but we should take these times in consideration. Still, I wanted to bake a good ordinairy cake. And to share it tomorrow since it keeps them a bit more happy than what they usually are. I mean fellow clients. To keep people feeling a bit nice, despite everything. It's the basic cake receipe, but made really well. To beat more air in the batter, and to bring it to nice taste. It's plain, but it's pride in all it's commonness nowadays. And yes, they love it. It's good enough for shabby old fellow clients with their fresh cup off coffee on a Sunday. Crisis Netherlands, it's plain, but we can live. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good afternoon at the 22th off February, 2025.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is a grey day in the Netherlands. 

*

I changed my mind, I think there won't be peace soon after all, not some sort off insight from the universe, but just a general idea off the process off peace conversations between Trump and Putin, especially when the rest off them don't agree on what Trump has to say. We shouldn't hang out the flag too early. And we should be weary. Who am I to say so? Well, err.... I'm just a person who suspects it won't be peace soon. I think the world can hold on to it's survival methods to keep their budget sane. For another year at least. It's really lethal to do wrong peace predictions, but my insights are so vague and blurry, I just can't do so. In my 'worst case scenario.' It was 2028. And we lost the war. That means we're still in it very deep. If this situation doesn't clear up, it's just a blast from Trump. Not a real peace agreement. I think it's getting to look more and more like that. It's too unclear to see, but after what I've read in the news, the Republican party in the U.S disagreeing with Trump, I think it won't be serious peace soon. I think this war is really going to screw us over. Just like this decade. That's all I think I know. I just don't know when it will be peace, I just started to think these conventions are not going to do it. What am I? A specialist? With a little luck I'm too unimportant to be declared off importance for all off this. Otherwise I'm stupid. I think my predictions should not be taken serious. That would be too much. Unless it's a 'worse case scenario.' prediction, and it helps you to prepare for the longer term. Then please take it serious, and do what you need to do to keep your situation healthy and liveable. Then I might sound like an expert, but I'm familiair with long term poverty. So I think I know a few things about that. But that's not really a prediction. Just make certain you can survive for somewhat off a long time. That's what I think is for sure. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good morning at the 16th off February, 2025, 2.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's promising to become a very cold day in the Netherlands. 

*

The ponds near by, where there are ducks swimming, are as stiff frozen as that strange cold feeling that haunted me some time. It's dark, deep ice water. It's too thick to survive. The ducks at the local pond can't swim when it's this thickly frozen. It's somewhat like the vision in my head. As if someone or something with dark magic was trying to kill me by freezing me. It was really scary. It's just that it's off by now. Maybe the weather had a massive influence on it. It's been freezing a few degrees in the Netherlands these days. A freezing depression, it was really negative. I also had a massive headache all the time these days. Not really funny. It's been terrible. But I've escaped it, and it's gone. 

It's really good news when peace befalls us, I think it would do good for my mental state. I have been really worrying about it for a few years. And it's mainly that I feel with the poor people who can't afford groceries and feed their kids. I have been obsessively posting all off my meals on Facebook these months. Meals, and coffee with treats. To have to wage war over it, frightens me. Just the idea to starve makes me scared. Aside to the prices to everything when being on a low income. It's fearsome to me. I felt sad and close to desperate when they increased the prices off cream butter this week. 'Oh no, not again... what if this continues?' It's darn expensive allready. And not just cream butter. It's all groceries. It's really fearsome for me. I'm not poor, but I'm not rich either. I can afford, but for how long? Worries, worries.... And then those poor people who can't even do the laundry, and who wash with machines without laundry wash because they can't afford. You have them here. They're too proud when I offered them my laundry wash for free, (A Belle with a stock can miss a bottle or two when someone needs it.) but they're also worrysome. I wish everything would be put back to normal again, and people can start to live normal lives again. I feel such pity with them. I hope they can hang on untill peace. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good morning at the 16th off February, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's still too dark outside to see the weather. 

*

There are peace conversations between Russia and the United States. And honest, I really think it can end up to something. The worst horror scenario's off war are off when peace befalls us this May. I think this will be succesfull, simply because we are given no choice by the Americans. Then all my horror predictions, after my inner vision became mad and blurred, did not come true, and that better be for the greater good. Should we trust te proces? Honest, that's for now on. Maybe something else glimps in the future and is awaiting us. But for now the peace convention looks like it's going to end up succesfull. More succesfull than you'd think it would be, if you had a suspicious mind, like mine. It's promising. 

I just hope all economicall restrictions will be off after the war, and the inflation will be cut back to normal after peace in Ukraine took place. That would be a relief for me and my fellow clients at Leviaan, poor as we always have been. Honest, I think I rather want to be wrong with a longer term prediction, than being right with it and get a reputation as a seer when it comes to war. Though it makes me look like somewhat off an idiot. I think I shouldn't have minded it out loud in public to begin with. Especially since the end became muddied and unclear.  I think May 2025 for peace, but not for World Peace or big transformations. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 15th off February, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been grey all day in the Netherlands, without rain. 

*

Yesterday, my cake tasted utmost delicious and was a real treat to the public eating a slice at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. These fancy pastry plates come from a donation a store did to us some time ago. They look Belle enough to me. People really enjoyed it at Valentine's day, and it didn't cause darm cramps. So it was a good idea. 

Today was for preparing this 'Boerencake.' From a donated package, with donated eggs and left over cream butter. I got this serving plate from a give away shop. Tomorrow at a common Sunday afternoon it looks like a whole lot off something. I gave credit to the person who donated with a Facebook post. The cake came out whole and even, but it's because I use baking spray and flour in molds alltogheter. It really works. It's for de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk with their afternoon coffee on a Sunday.

I play this farmstyle Belle to an art. At least what I consider a countryside vintage Belle. It's retro, it's cheap, but do I give an idea off luxury and style to those poor people? I just don't know how they see it. All I know is they love it. They love the food. I think they barely care about the style I put it in. I had no comments, either negative or positive, about my retro style. And I just think it's adjust and it's somewhat comforting nowadays. It's really nice in my opinion. And it's really Zaandijk chique. The chique old fashioned. And given the audience, you can't put it any less polite. I wrote to my grandma in a postcard: 'At least Spring will be fine this year in Zaandijk.' And that we can be sure about. This place is old fashionedly decadent and covered in Spring flowers each year. Mainly daffodils. And that's what stands this year. It's really nice to put pictures off it on here this year. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

 

Good evening at the 13th off February, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was dreary, cold and almost hauntedly grey at Gortershof, Zaandijk. 

*

I'm typing you this while my nails dry. I'm wearing the soft pink pearl lacquer from the Catrice advent calendar from previous year. It's a cloud off purpleish pink, shiny with a soft glitter. Wearing pearl during a crisis? How dare you! 

I think I'm inspired by a care taker who does so, it's a fancy middle aged Muslim woman who always looks pulled togheter and wears fancy pearl nail polish. She's the real queen off pearl nailpolish at de Boed. Maybe I try to copy her. and my pearls are not expensive, and I think far from offensive. And it looks fancy, but it's a Catrice one. If you really want to look like you made it- wear pearl nailpolish, it doesn't matter how expensive it actually was. Or just wear it to be a bit out off line. It's beautifull, but it's not in fashion. 

Tomorrow it's Valentine's day. But I have no one and my head just isn't onto it. Maybe I should do something Really anti, like this one Valentine's day where I made creamy mustard soup. But it's too late, I already made cake for it. Something really anti, like wearing a yellow or a green, and just sit out the most unromantic headache you can have with it, while having potato cake. But it's heart-shaped. I have a terrible headache, for a few weeks now. It hurts so much these days I can't cook for myself. I had to fry eggs tonight for dinner. I was thinking off just doing unromantic house chores. But honest, I think it's surviving this headache tomorrow. Usually, this feeling vanishes. It's just that it's been holding on for a while. All I know is we're going to see if potato is a good idea in Valentine's cake tomorrow. I hope those 80 year olds can take it. I mentioned we have a lot off women in their early 80's at de Boed recently. They still look fresh and modern, you'd almost forget they're 80. But their youth was during the 60's and 70's, so you can't expect them to look dull. I think theyr're in for it. They just look somewhat fragile. But they're really sweet and cool for grannies. I hope I did well on that cake. I copy their music. And what de Boed think is adjust for their taste in music. Sometimes it's really funny, sometimes it's really cool and I like what they play. They're cool old women. 

Is there anything more anti- Valentine than sharing potato cake with old women at a daycare centre? It's heart shaped, and it's ment to celebrate Valentine's day, but more like a small celebration. Ed? my ass. I'm not in for it. I should dress nice, but not romantic. There's no one for me and there never has been. I've heard in the coffee room during my shift this morning, that coffee harvest failed in Brazil. And the shelves are hamstered empty at grocery stores. It's almost criminal with these prices to still have the black gold for us each day, morning, noon and evening. But we have it and that's what I believe. We have coffee during these days. And it's a better miracle than having the dragonslayer. 

I hope my headache won't feel too much like dying tonight, and I will survive and get over with it. But it's not something I can do, it comes up and it fades. I just took pain medication, but it's still there. I have the luck not to have someone tomorrow, I can sit out this pain at ease in my own home. Deal with the cramps, and be as annoying as I need to be dealing with my disease. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

    

Good evening at the 12th off February, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was dreary and cold in old Zaandijk, Netherlands. It's good I did not let it get the best off me. It's almost haunted when it's as dreary as this. 

*

This is my Valentine's cake for this year. It contains potato, orange and chocolate chips, and it's been enlarged from the Aviko receipe, (Aviko is a potato brand, They also sell Pommes duchesses, Pommes Parisiennes and fries. but I used freshly mashed potatoes instead off their mashed potatoes.) from their free potato cookbook. It's dedicated to Ed the dragonslayer. But I think he doesn't even know my name. It's been fun to make this, and people will have a slice off this with their afternoon coffee, at Valentine's day. Do I take it serious? No. Did I want to make something 'dedicated to love, for my people at de Boed.'? Yes, that's merely it. We're about to find out if mashed potato is a good idea in a cake. This heart shape just does it at Valentine's day. And it was a good excuse to use my baking skills again. It's been fun preparing this. And it's milk chocolate chips instead off dark. Like the receipe intended. This whole 'Ed the dragonslayer'- crush is fading. But do we celebrate Valentine's day alltogheter? Yes, we do. 

   Oh, come on. Valentine's day would be as dry as a rat's ass, the streetbricks have more to celebrate than we do, but do we have cake? I just hope I won't regret too much that I loved Ed the dragonslayer. For his manliness and his chest muscles. Those are all the right reasons for a marriage, offcourse, (No, I'm sarcastic.) but I better don't. I feel I'm not sane and safe enough. But we have cake on Valentine's day.

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good morning at the 9th off February 2025, 2.

 Good morning everyone, 

Today is a cold yet cloudy day in the Netherlands. 

*

I think I should inform you about my bloodtest. My values where extraordinairy good. It was really remarkable according to them. I eat healthy. I think home cooking vegetables and potatoes and fresh meat most off the time on a budget and wishing to live healthy do give healthy options for basic food, and it pays off appearently. So it's nothing in my blood that causes head cramps. It's good, but it's annoying for them not to find a cause. I had a thought. 'A blood test for a headache mate? How's that supposed to be?' Like those two did not rhyme for the voice in my head. Some time ago I had to go an MRI-scan, and nothing visible was found in my brain when it comes to itches. So it's not visible or shown on tests what's wrong. I think I'm not over-acting. But that's all that I can say about it. I wonder what this is supposed to be, it's very annoying for them to find nothing, but that's as far as medical tests can help me. 

And I re-found the spirit to work in the home. Not play-pretending being someone's wife, but to see the importance off it during these days. I think I'm about to slack again when it's all over, or I'm perfectly drilled with it's importance. Then it grew in my system. It's a bit over-acting, but it works to keep a cozy home. I should keep up with it. And not get lazy or off-minded. It's part off having a home: homework. And nobody can deny, and when they do, they're filthy pigs. Which I try not to be. I play Irish folk all the time with my home work. It works well for me as home making music, to keep the spirit up. Doing dishes- The Dubliners. And my spirit to keep it agreeably tidy in here is back. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

    

Good morning at the 9th off February, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's too dark outside to see the weather yet. 

*

I painted my nails with the limited Pearlfection nailpolish, C01 Mother off Pearlfection by Catrice. It's a limited edition from this season. 

I love limited editions. This series was entirely bought by me, including highlighter, lipgloss and eye pencils. I really felt like spoiling myself, and the package with the round tip felt somewhat original. It's been a long time since buying a limited edition. This entire year I was like 'This is crisis Netherlands. How many people do you think actually walk around with these? Wouldn't you make a fool out off yourself if you would wear them?' A voice that was really strict, but not lying to you, I purchased a few items. Not whole sets. Only if I really wanted something. My inner dad was too strict for going wild with it. And I did not want to attract the wrong attention. That's really important here. Not to look like too much. What made me think to purchase it this year? I suspect heaping it up last year. Not allowing myself all the time, and then this clashed out. Appearently, I'm not a saint. It's not a danger, I could afford. I got the public eye in mind all the time last year. Maybe I let go more off that thought when I bought it and put it on. And so to say, if the old folks off de Boed just think it's fabulous instead off vulgair, then it's not a point. 

I don't find these mesmerizing nailpolishes too wild, or too much. If I keep the rest off my outfits agreeable, it's really fancy, but not vulgair. Pearls are not vulgair. Thats what I think. I live with elderly people who actually like these, so it's agreed upon. 

I think this pearl make-up would look great with bright red lipstick. Then you would go for the really cool chique antique effect with it. Like a 1950's or '60's dance. Really fancy. Or you could be the bride with these. Someone on a low budget could perfectly get married with this limited edition on. Or what I do, wear it with fuzzy pastels and look modern and cute. 

It's 06.37 in the morning, why did I came to be out off bed so early? Well, it's early Sunday morning. So what frustrated retards do: overplay loud music by an obscene artist and wake up the entire flat complex. It's so aso and it's too late to call the police for it. And no one dares to say something about it, it's a violent aso who does so. But I think we're all wide awake by now. It's quiet at the moment, but the man really had an episode with that loud crap. It's difficult, starting my day like this and get all shook up. Not preferable for a mental patient like me. 

And I solved my birthday treat issue. I found two packages off baking mix for chocolate cherry tray cake in my pantry, supposed to stay well untill 2026. I feel I'm going to fix these for my birthday treat at de Boed this year. August is not near yet, but it's a good option. 

Instead off getting in trouble, I decided to do my nails. That man is really dangerous, and no one wants to get in trouble with him. But it's worthit a call for health care since it crosses a line on Sunday morning. I feel a certain type off moodyness that comes with this shit. I'm going to finish these nails with topcoat, and then start my day if it's willing. I hope health care can solve it. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.           

Good evening at the 7th off February 2025, 2.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold and grey in the Netherlands. 

*

I wish to share some pictures with you. 

These are from a close by neighbourhood. This is 'de Dominees Tuin.' in Zaandijk, where the really old fashioned houses are situated. They are fancy, very upbrightening today, and historic. I think they do well for our moods today. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading / watching. 

Good evening at the 7th off February, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold and cloudy in the Netherlands. 

*

Mark van der Stelt is too coward to accept loss off face. I'm right, I've always been from the start, but that aso is too coward to admit to a large group off people. Knowing they will ditch him or think and talk bad off him. Though it's nothing less than what he deserves. I have been right in private messages, and it was true. Vana had been rude towards me about not even hearing what I had to say about my failure, and not admitting in the first place I have a hiccup in my system which made me fail. Not admitting, not appologizing, letting me walk around with that deep shame and mark on my head off a bimbo, a slut, an attention whore, and not hearing me for real. Fighting for justice sake is hard. Especially with these monsters on my neck, and the entire alternative scene thinking I'm bad. But it's not true. I feel powerless and treated unfair. And Mark should mind his words. They where not hearing me fairly, and are now ashamed and afraid off what happens if they lose their face towards the audience. I think that's the fairest thing to happen to me, after 14 years off big injustice. The coward should have publicly appologized towards me, and made that bitch off an ex- wife off his shut up. 

Vana is a bunch off cowardly rats, big in slutshaming and shoving a fake reason in my face, very bad in admitting their own fault. A knife cuts on two sides. But I'm not willing to take my share anymore. It's their mistake now. I've tried all the time to make it up, but those cowards where not open for it to begin with, always shoving Peppie in my face. But that dumbass is not the real reason. He's abused as a reason and proud to be a boogieman towards me. He's just part off the injustice. And Faust is a nightmare. I think I better stay out off their business from now on. But I think we better don't keep it a secret, and cowards who do injustice should be punished. I think my name should be cleared from this guilt. It's not there, I'm not guilty and I've never been. It's always been Pepijn and Mark. I've never intended to ruin things. I was just right. Did I fight for it instead off sticking my head in the sand? I sure did. But who is treated like an animal? Not them. It's always one big show off make-believe. After your money nowadays, all spirit is gone in my opinion. I don't make friends by not wishing to be blind. I rather speak the truth and give them some off my thoughts. This is a free world, the law in this country holds space for that. Mark is a coward who should have lost his face over mine. Not the other way around. I lost my face, and what for? Unfairness and lies, and their will to follow empty pleasure instead off standing by real justice. They're not to trust. They're after robbing your money, and massive upbring nowadays. Anyone with a purpose would ditch them. And stand by truth. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 5th off February, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a bright yet fresh day in winter. 

*

It's a bit annoying. I feel I'm doing hard with mankind. It's not really personal. But mankind can be so selfish and ignorant, and mean. And there's a lot going on in the world - I feel like losing faith in mankind. It's really difficult. It's an icy cold vieuw I often have. Like the ice waters off the North Pole. And it's unclear water. It's cold and turbid, it's such a nasty and lonesome feeling. The light in the tunnel is my friends from this community centre. Small talks and coffees. I need their company, but it doesn't help to have lost faith. Mankind is cruel and cold. It's been a proces to have lost it. And then those prices and the feeling off growing poorer and poorer every day. Being capable to do less with what I've got. I still come round. I have enough money to live. But it's getting harder. And I think birthday treats are getting ridiculous. People pay me to prepare their birthday cakes, but I've seen the prices. It's getting annoying. I got my birthday at the 5th off August, it's not soon yet, they could have hang out the flag off peace by then, but I don't see it happen. And it's no vision. More sort off common sense. I have to overthink deeply about it. But really, I think I better don't end up with empty hands that day. 

And mankind is selfish. They don't care about others, just about themselves. They're always weary. I better keep it shut, or they'll think I'm after them or their money. Selfish has been the norm for a while. Even from before the crisis. Selfish was what most people did, what was almost a dream idyle and what everyone wanted and did. Nowadays it's even more scorching. I better keep it shut in real life about it. Or they'll look at me quite stingy. I've learned to keep my idea off sharing more in, since it felt a bit unfair. It grew too crooked, and I felt I better would tame it down. Hard as that conclusion was. But the feeling off unfairness and doing short on myself itched more. So I decided to shut it a bit. I better don't be Santa Claus anymore for these people. Giving felt so nice. But it's not as rewarding anymore as it was. One man keeps on being nasty to mental patients, while his girlfriend always picks the nice stuff from the give away closet I donate. It's a bit unfair towards myself to keep on feeding such people. For example. It grew a bit crooked, and I decided I better keep most items myself. I'm not a billionaire, I can use it just as good. 

Mankind is hard to deal with these days. And those profiteers never donate anything back. You'd say they might be poor, but I've seen diffrent. I came to think off them as mean profiteers. I better get over with it. And then again, I can use it better myself. And it's only one example off an awfull mankind. 

And I'm a bit blocked on my vintage 'home maker.' mentallity. Keeping the place perfectly clean, doing the kitchen and so on. I feel like slacking it due to my issues I have with mankind. It's really a thing. Is it still worthit? The place has to be clean, dishes have to be washed, toilets have to be cleaned, it's just that it's piling up a bit and I'm not perfect for vintage home maker. I just do my best for those basics, but the spirit is really gone. I better don't let it go wasted. Maybe it went out the door with my crush on Edo the dragonslayer. Play pretending to be his wife really got me doing it. It's difficult without it. I'm a slack with bad taste without the right spirit. Tomorrow is for coffee service again, at least that's still fun. My coffee brightens moods, and tastes great without intending to brag. It's simply true. But I don't daydream about serving the dragonslayer a fresh cup off coffee anymore, or kiss him with my bright red lipstick on. It's a bit dry without butterflies. 

Mankind sucks, I'm getting sober from my infatuation, and the home is getting messy. Really, it's difficult losing faith. Maybe I should give myself some time, and then see if I get over with it. 

Allright, that's about it for now, - 

Thank you for reading.   

  

Good morning at the 3th off February, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

Today is really cold and freezing outside in the Netherlands. 

*

I think, during a time like this, there is space for praise in the Netherlands. Praise for the quality off our foods and items. Fresh fruits and vegetables, aside to meat and potatoes are one off the best options for dinner nowadays if you season well. It's perfect farmland quality, and it's nutricious and keeps us going and healthy all day. It's really outstanding what comes from Dutch fields, and what we see as 'ordinairy.' Aside to the cheese they produce. It's one off the best in the world and we can be proud off all off it. We should be. The nation could do much worse when it comes to that, and food could be litterally shooting through the roof. We all really could be a little more gratefull for perfect Dutch foods. It keeps us healthy and strong. 

And then again, coffee with a pastry I made yesterday served to us at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk: 

The decorations off the current Boed are very cozy, and a little high in their head. It looks very posh and fancy. Almost as if they got it from a county government building or so, or a company that wants to impress. But we're really at Leviaan Zaanstad for these. I love it, they remind me off my time as a trainee at the government about 15 years ago. But I don't know if that could be the intention. If that's a good idea. It's all very fancy decorated there, but who are they to impress? They're a care organisation. They don't make amends or law decrees. It's funny how this style follows me. It's beautifull, but it feels demandive. As if I really have to step it up for my care. But that can't be the intention. It's fun for a while, and offcourse it's very fancy, but should we want it there? 

Yesterday evening, I got a little high in my head myself and polished my nails with the Pearlfection luminous pearl polish by Catrice. It's limited edition for this month.

 It's a lavender mother off pearl with a pearl shine and it really looks like I could be that employee from civil registration that gets you married today. It's just that it's a bit overkill here. Most women don't have such nailpolish. But yeah, yesterday that old diva feeling followed me again. That killing forum diva feeling where I got a bit high in my head from all the fans it caused me to have been famous at such a young and important time and space off life. And we use Mother off Pearl for that. Almost Sailor Moon, but in real life. It was really glamourous. Nowadays I feel everything but glamourous. You'd say people better accept me for who I am, and don't judge me for it. It's a crisis, and I'm not rich. I'm a fat mental patient with a block. This whole Mother off Pearl attack seemed like perfect inspiration. I'm wearing it with soft pastel sweaters, to tone down the diva effect on me. This with a cute sweater makes pretty, but not obscene diva. I felt I should 'tone it down.' Not to cause heart attack among my elder fans at de Boed. So well-behaved pastel sweaters it is. That makes me look cute instead off snatchy. We would not want to overwhelm there. That could give the wrong idea. But maybe I should let go off that and just wear those sweaters and be a bit 'old glam.', whatever that means for me. 

The care taker who impressed me left Leviaan. He's no longer an issue. It's not a bad thing to look too seductive anymore. (Except if you want to avoid the wrong general attention. That's more my jig.) Elegant nailpolish is agreed upon. Maybe they even like it. And I should not worry too much. Often I worry a bit about what they think off me, and our unwritten rules are tight. Less is always more with them. So I'm daring today. 

It's really something. Most off the time I think it's such a waste. But yesterday I felt like doing these. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

Good morning at the 2nd off February, 2025.

Good morning everyone, 

This morning it's icy cold in the Netherlands. It's been mildly freezing all night. 

*

Yesterday was for baking apple tray cake. 

 

The packaging and the eggs where donated by a rich friend. I baked it yesterday for today's afternoon coffee. It's a good idea to bake for Sundays. Usually these packages are pretty easy, but I would like to rank the tray cakes as 3 stars difficult, since you have to follow a lot off steps for them. Most baking packages are simple. Even a kid could do it. But this one is for people who love baking. Like me. And luckily I could lay hand on all the other ingredients. It's done with real cream butter and the raisins came from a donation from fellow clients. 

I got fed up, you could say my morning is wasted on anger. Yoram, you are the one to blame again, you scumbag. You don't care for others feelings and you fool around with women. You cheat and you look like a baboon. A vulgair baboon with fleas and scurvey. You're not handsome at all, and you wish to play women and act all bulked up. Someone should beat your stupid ass for it. If I hear you playing women again, I'm likely to do so myself. One fatal blow and done with your stupidity. But I'm too big off a person, I'm not really likely to do so. I won't go out off my way to beat that stupid asshole up. While he actually deserves it. My morning is wasted on anger... for a psychiatric patient, this could ruin a day. Get over with it? Not in my world. I'm doing too hard for that. I really have 'He deserves to be beaten.' All the time in my head when it comes to him. I have had that for several years. I deserve a medal for not to have done so. Someone should beat him up for me... But they are not likely to do so. 

I decided not to come back after all, it doesn't do bad for me to be honest. It feels much better to be out off there. After 8 years we could say it has been a good idea. I'd rather be here in the backyard than at Castlefest. I should not let that old feeling ruin my day. We have apple crumble tray cake for coffee, and my fellow clients love it. Sometimes I think people are jealouse at this during these expensive times. But most off the time I hear nothing about it. Usually it's no comments about it, I just suspect them to be very jealouse. Maybe simply because they can't get the package to work for them and prepare this. I think things like this are very simple, but maybe they don't think so at all. It's just how you perceive things. How you see it. I think it's simple. Especially with the instructions loud and clear on the back. Just like with most receipes. Easy enough. I think I could start a whole fight with people who claim these sort off things are hard. But I think those are a diffrent category than me. It's not hard in my opinion. And I think anyone should be capable to prepare these packages, easy as they are. Handy as they can come in. This counts for both men and women. But people are so brick simple and easy to anger these days, I should take caution with such a statement. 

Something to end this weblog with, 

A lovely picture off old fashioned houses by the end off the road. This is old Zaandijk, you have them everywhere here, and they lend themselves well for pictures. It's fun photographing them every often when I go out for a walk. They're cute. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.