Something that's centred around positivity

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was for cloudyness and rain. But there are reasons to stay positive in life. At times it's absolute necessity to take good care off ourselves and pamper ourselves a bit more since that's what everyone can use when a day, or and entire summer, is gloomy like that just like the rest off the year. We need to take good care off ourselves, - because no one is going to do it for us according to what some say. 

What is a basic need for most women during gloomy and cold weather? Some warming and nice smelling showergel and a rich bodybutter- alongside with a warm shower. It's a good idea to take uplifting and comforting showers and give yourself that extra care you need. Especially in the evening when you feel you've had an entire day out in the cold. Make sure your house and your bed are warm and comfortable in the evening and sleep like a princess. Listen to your favourite music and allow yourself yummy comfort foods like ovendishes with extra cheese on them for example and a nice dessert. Pamper your skin a bit more with skincare (Men could also do these steps.). These are perfect things to do during weekends, or on days when you just need that little extra to help you through the day. Allow yourself tea and coffee and maybe lift it up to warm spiced tea or cappuccino if you can afford that. At times life needs a little more than just the average. 

Is that something about positivity? I wish I could share a cool story with you about something positive that happened. The most positive in my life is that it's more about self-healing from past damage and getting to know my disease better and be more aware off it's symptoms so I hope I can handle them more. Unfortunately nothing spectaculair happened but small medication enlowering. I need to back it up this evening because I have slept bad yesterday but I wish to go on with it and get used to less medication and more off a free mindset and spirit. That's something that feels nice, but I still have to be aware off myself. I feel a bit better so I decided to make myself look better. That is positive. I have been looking like a ghost for too long now and neglected my selfcare for a while. I feel more fresh now. It's a good thing to feel alive again. 

Life at the moment feels good by watching video's on youtube and somewhat dwell on luxury goods. Like new clothes I've bought this week, and pampering myself with nice feeling skincare. I prefer to use stuff free from animal testing as I think it's not necessairy to torture poor animals with what we need. Except when it's to test medication but that's an absolute necessity. The world can do without care products tested on sweet animals. I prefer nature based stuff over processed goods. It's softer on skin and better for you. Become more positive- start to care about the world around you. I decided to be against animal testing and pro natural based products before it was a cool thing ever since I was in my early teens about 15 years ago. I'm proud the world has made such improvements on these products ever since and it's something more and more people are aware about these days. It's a cool thing. 

Feel more positive- but that's something I could work on myself. I ain't all sunshine and roses either this period off time. I feel positive by practicing gratitude. Not in a christian way by praying, but more in a 'I'm gratefull for what I have.' in a more 'I can feel it when I'm around here.' - way. I feel gratefull for everything I got here. My own house, people who help me, A garden belonging to the terrain, ways to be creative, life- all off that, having food on the table each day, these things matter. Life can be as simple as this sometimes, just having your basic needs covered. But it's a necessity to be gratefull in a time which makes people too materialistic about life a lot. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you for reading.        

Good evening at the 4th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It rains outside and it has been cloudy all day today. It's gloomy weather so far. 

*

Today was for sitting my time out at de Boed and just wait untill nothing happens. It was a boring day. We had pancakes for dinner and I had an ice cream cone (strawberry flavoured) for dessert. It was no day to feel low on money. 

I wish to hang on a more possitive attitude on this weblog. No complaining about past enemies. I still hate them terribly but I know there can't be anything done about it. I could blog on and on about them but it's not off use. I might be hard headed, but do they posess this quality themselves, oh yes. They aren't any better than me. 

Today the time went by slowly and boring. Not much off a good day and I've slept awfully this night. I have that often after a weblog about my enemies. I'm afraid they might jinx me and destroy me and my good plans for the upcoming time when I post it on the internet. I have no trust in them whatsoever. Still, I feel like picking up my weapons and fight. If I wouldn't defend myself- nobody else would do so against nasty gossip and mean and nasty actions. I need to express an opinion off my own on here. It would not be fair in this fight if I wouldn't have any and become a victim to them. That's no option to me. Bad sleep out off deep rooted fears is terrible. 

Fears are one off the biggest sources to my delusions. If I knew how to fear the enemy less, I would do much better. The Russians could learn from them. But I wish to publish something positive today. Not to dwell into hate and mean thoughts. I'm not mean by nature. That's a mistake people often make. It's just that in a fight with other people, people often don't see your best side. It makes so much off an ilusion to those who wish to think low off you. That's how it's always been. 

I believe I better make my next blog all about positivity and niceness for the world, as this blog doesn't go anywhere in that field. I'm sorry people. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 3th off July, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

This evening is cloudy yet somewhat warm. The sun isn't out, but it's muggy outside. It's better than too warm, but that's all that can be said about it. 

*

This weekend I have to cope with being low on money. I'm not actually low on money, but I have no acces to my new bank account since it's card needs to start being off use. I'm rich again once it's set to work and sometimes a lot off coffee with syrup in it and doing the laundry with a good brand off laundry wash and sweet laundry softner is already a luxury. I won't starve with de Boed near, so I'm not dying from it, luckily and sometimes things like this happen. Sometimes people are low on money and out off basic needs. Next week will be better as soon as my bank card starts to work. 

As soon as I'm on track again I'll see if I can afford a new bookcase. The one I have gotten a few years ago is at it's last end. It needs replacement. I don't own a lot off books, but I'm fond with the ones I have and they deserve a good bookcase. I'm wishing to buy a white one, as it probably looks nice with my other furniture. 

I'm even spoiled when I don't have acces to my money. I had coffee, the laundry is working and I'm searching some websites for a new bookcase. If you have food on the table, loving friends and a roof above your head,- you're not truly poor. I even had two oranges with my coffee so I ate vitamins today. 

What if people would dwell less on unreasonable jealousy and feel more confident about themselves? Stop jealousy, start improving yourself and certainly never act out off jealousy as it makes you behave poisonous to others. If you would start to feel more confident about yourself and stop making ilusions about greener gras somewhere else- your life might become so much happier. I can promise you that. I have tried in my life to never be ruled by jealousy and envy on others and I feel good about myself despite I might not be as spectaculair as some other people. People need to set their priorities straight instead off hanging on to jealousy and act like a bitch. In their stuck up mind it might seem like I'm lying to them and I'm the one who pretends not to be jealouse, but that's never been true. I always felt way too good to act out off jealousy. It's a waste off time anyway. Appearently I still act out off anger and rage, but that's a diffrent chapter. I'm not easily jealouse, but I can be easily set off to anger sometimes and feel annoyed by people. If I was a true buddhist, I would probably know how to handle it better, but so far I learned to avoid people I hate by some off it's wisdom and it works for me. It doesn't make me a calm person, it just keeps me from doing harm to others. It's something I prefer above acting mad and frustrated to some. All emotions heal by adjusting time to them. I wish I knew how much time. But it feels better than to act out on it. 

Tomorrow or this evening is probably a good time for baking something. I could try and get my hand on a few ingredients and make de Boed something nice for sunday. People started complaining treats for sunday with their coffee where plain and tasted old. I wish I would have shown up with a banana cake, it's just that I've been told they rather don't want me to bake anymore since people have to loose weight. People don't like it but it's probably for their own good we have to watch what they got served. Sometimes they're incredibly strict on things. I think baking them something nice this weekend wouldn't be so bad for them. Old dry tea biscuits on a sunday are a bit too strict in my opinion. Sometimes sunday needs a bit more. 

Water still runs like a crazy stream underneath my skin. I don't know what happens when they don't find what it actually is. What will happen to me with such leakages running around like crazy? It can't be healthy. What does it come from and how do I have to get rid off leaking water underneath my skin? What can doctors actually do about that? I don't know if something bad can happen to me with something like that happening all the time now. It becomes more and more by time and it feels scary but I'm in a state off mind where I believe there can't be done anything about it and that makes me sleep when it's happening. There isn't anything to be done right now, so I better sleep and see next time what can be done. It's best not to panic right now. But nothing can be done about it. I wonder how many people also have leakages underneath their skin. Maybe it's something that causes those pimples that can be seen on me recently. But I've never heard about something like that. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.              

Good evening at the 2th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

The sky is completely clear, the sun is out and I even had to use my sunscreen this evening. It's not a bad type off weather if there would be a full moon out this day but the next full moon will be at the 24th off July. The moon and the stars would be a nice vieuw this evening but I have no chance to see both alltogheter tonight. 

*

It's told people with anxiety and depression issues suffer from pimple increasing. My skin is bad these days. I hate pimples as I can't stand to have bad skin. I try to take good care off it most off the time. 

I'm battleing medicine decreasing. It's hard, but it should be possible if life keeps on being easy. I feel better in mind without too many medication. My mind isn't necessairily better with more meds, but I feel more burried under it when it's a lot. I hope I can stand it and don't need too much off it anymore. Life can be so unfair sometimes. I try to keep on holding my head up high and not being bended by it too much. 

Silence speaks more than words- but sometimes it's also an easy fence to hide behind if you have nothing smart to say in return. I'm not listening anyway, and sometimes it takes a bear to make them clear to speak up again. Hypocrit? Yes, I thought so. Vana will have a bear as their wickerbeast this year and it's entire description is something I already do. Bears are one off my favourite animals. I keep on seeing them around me a lot. Bears are cool with me. No more hypocrisy on having me as their scapegoat in them. That was filthy fighting. It was far below the belt and I didn't like it. Why putting up wickerbeasts while you can't even discuss what's going on towards me? It's been a bridge too far and I won't be seen there anymore as it's too much for me now. All I have left to do is indulge in OMNIA songs- I still love that band. I can safely do so since they're also on Vana's bad side. Castlefest is not as much as a party as it was back in the good days off paganism. All they seem to do now is play loud music and drink alcohol like crazy. It's become vulgair, too hyped, too much off a vulgair pub for commoners at night and too loud and obnoxious for real people nowadays. I have nothing to look for there anymore if this is what they're after: Stone cold commerce. It lacks nice atmosphere at the event nowadays and it's too crowded and the staff has become too bigotted and sexist for me to wish to come back. I can't recommend that place to strangers. 

Never listen to people who think they can put up a show to silence you.

Omnia should try to hold an event themselves. Back with the atmosphere, out with the commerce on fake paganism. If they would do so, maybe they can try it around my birthday- the 5th off august. I believe they can try to compete with Vana once it's on and it's become a good event worthy the fight. I could use an event like that. I want to dance to good music and feel I'm alive again one day. No sexist macho's - Just warm and sweet pagans. It takes something to stick to your own path nowadays. Vana is just as bad as the Russians when it comes to keeping up appearances. Moscow could learn from their techniques on taring me and trying to be the better hand in this fight. It's just that it's been too unfair what they try to put up with. I'm a freedom fighter on the internet. I won't be silenced by it. It's what heroes with a weblog all over the world try to do. JUSTICE! That's what I've been after all along. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

Clinging on to the recent past (2)

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening is bright and sunny. It's beautifull outside. 

*

I'm one off those people who cling on to the recent past. The time off going to school every day, my father, my mother, our house and that what's never going to be changed again to something good. 

I wish life could become brighter and better. Something less heavy on my shoulders and something good to look ahead to. It's been a burden so far and I have been suffering for quite some time. I barely have anyone I can talk with and relate these issues to. It's pressure on my shoulders and no one really knows but care-takers. I can talk things over with them. I hope it would solve issues by now but it's hard to overcome things I have been talking about with them. Suffering in silence won't work. I believe stating online what you're going through can be off help to people who also have this issue. You are not alone in suffering from schizophrenia or suffering from your past. But mainly I do this for myself- to find a way off relief. 

It's hard to overcome my past and talk things over with my mom since she has eyebatches about this subject. She prefers to take on life with her new husband again and refuses to truly help me with my issues. It's annoying. But I can't do much about it. I just wish she wouldn't let me walk alone in this. 

Sometimes I wish it was 2010 again, or 2008- right before everything would get nasty and shot me down to failure. It's hard to overcome when you have no chances again in real life because you never had the chance to get to school again and make it in the outside world. And it hurts. Life hurts. Would I have been diagnosed with Schizophrenia? That's where the tragedy became it's worst point. Getting the life off a patient instead off a normal girl. Or maybe it's when my dad died in 2012. And just a few months before- when I got my first schizophrenic episode and the police send me to mental health. I just couldn't handle things anymore and everything went out off hand during that nasty year. I wish I could get over with it and let go finally. But it's not possible for me to let trauma's go this moment off time. I suffer from it a lot and that's why I got into psychiatric healthcare. 

When I take a look at the symptoms belonging to schizophrenia, to me it seems like the person who has it, and speaking off my own issues, it seems like people have incredible Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom and are dealing with that. I don't know if that is truly the case, but it's said traumatic events from your past can cause schizophrenia. I've been coping for a long time with so much issues and after a matter off time, it's more than someone can bear. It becomes way too much. I just never took much count off my personal borders because I believed in 'Just going on without complaining.' Because there is no choice left in life but doing that. When I look back at it, I see I had better choices. I was just ruled too much by what my mom always wanted me to do and now she can't discuss things with me since she closed herself down for it. It seems unfair to me she's such a biggot. I wish she had things in life better organized and better in line for herself instead off making stupid choices and burden us with it. I wish I had the guts to speak up to her and really get angry about all that has been. But I can't stand it when she cries since she also has been through a lot. It's been above her level off understanding what has happened and It's also the main reason why she can't help me but I suffer a lot from it. So to you to know. I bet most people never knew about this. I have big issues with my parents and a suffering inner child. I had to be and act more mature when I was a kid than most people had. My parents couldn't handle life well. I'm diffrent than people out there with a healthy youth. I react and cope diffrent on most issues. I often feel diffrent than average. 

The psychiatrist says I don't have to take mom's issues on my shoulder when she has them, but I can't help but caring for my family. I wish she would do her best more for my depressed brother and my autistic other brother, but she doesn't do what's best for them in my opinion. If I could safe them all, I would do so but I can't. It's something I often have words with about with the psychiatrist. I see it as logic to care for my family and feel with them but they tell me I can't take everything on my shoulder. My dad could have safed my brothers. Not my mom. She was dependent on dad and she needs a new husband to depend on aswell. She doesn't have the know how to safe my two brothers to sane adulthood. I wish she wasn't so stupid at times. Sometimes when people from here meet her, they ask me if she has an issue aswell as she comes off as mental to them and that says a lot but she has never been diagnosed. I wouldn't look strange if she turns out to have issues, though. She just has eyecuffs when it comes to helping us well. She is hard to handle for us. It wouldn't be healthy to go back to my parental home still sometimes I wish I never got into protected living as it's too much at times to handle well. Sometimes I still wish to go back and sometimes when I sleep, I wake up in my old bedroom but it's all tidied up instead off the mess it once was. It's always a lucid dream about a time and place I can never go back to. I hate waking up from dreams about my safe haven. When I was younger, my bedroom was the safest place on earth to me. It was always a horrendous mess, but it was safe and it was mine. 

My parents where a terrible match. It's the main reason I don't get into relationships easily. They would have gotten a divorce and decided on that just before my dad died. It never got to that point but I ended up with a wounded vision on love and marriage. For ever after- as long as it's painfully unhappy. So not for me and not with the wrong person. I'm not ready for a relationship because off that. I haven't skipped on relationships because off that, but just felt it wasn't right for me is true. At the moment I don't feel for going after something because off this and probably it will end up wrong because off my nasty trauma's. I feel allright with being single for a long time. It's not as bad as a bad relationship with someone who isn't a true match. I'm not desperately after someone or something. I always have known it's better to have no relationship than to have a bad relationship. At the moment I'm into trauma healing so I know I'm better off on my own at this moment off being. It's a pity for those who think I'm after something- but I'm not. It's not healthy to let someone else heal your problems and be some sort off a 'Guardian Angel.' over you because they might become your problem after you've cured. I'm sorry to say. It's always better to do so on your own but with back support from your surrounding and professionals. 

For me personal, true love might be a myth. It's not hard to chase people away the way I do it. But I don't feel awfull by it. I have made peace with it at some point. Self acceptance and peace with your weird qualities is a way off healing. I can recommend it to most people. I always have had a wide range off forgiveness towards myself. It's a good thing. That's a part off myself I can deal with. It's not an issue. 

My old house was maintained awfully by my parents. It's also part off the trauma to have been poor and to have been in a low quality house with all kinds off dangerous eletricity issues and leakages. I have mentioned that before. Winters where stone cold in those days. They couldn't keep up with the maintainance. Life was bad in general for me. 

That's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.        

Clinging on to the recent past (1)

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today started cloudy and cold, but it seems to end beautifully and bright. There's nothing to complain about this evening.  

*

I'm one off these people who dwell over her past. You might have heard about it- people who can't get over with a certain period off time. Sometimes I look at the date off today, and think off how this day went in 2008, or 2010. I have to deal with the period 2008-2014. I foresee that I'm going to have to deal with more recent issues just aswell, but that hasn't boomeranged back as a trauma yet. During 2008-2014 I was 16-22 years old and it's the hard period off time right before I started protected living in the Zaan area. I was at school, my father died and I had my first psychosis. I tried to start again after the first delusions but then broke down and had to be taken in at a psychiatric health institute. Just after that my dream off being in politics broke down and I had to deal with my mom who couldn't handle my disease and I was unemployed and poor most off the time. It was also the time off the rise and fall off 'Starlight.' at the Vana Events forum and the first stage off my traumatic and unfair fight I wish I could get over with. A lot off traumatic and unfair things happened during that period off time in my life, and it's said people remember that period off their lives best during their entire life. 

I wish I had other things to remember. Like friends, a first love, a nice school, some cool happenings and climbing up the social ladder after working hard for it- but all off that never happened to me. It was a failure when I look back at it. I don't know what I've learned from all off that, but I sure learned to be more carefull with things in life at this moment. It's not as if you can easily get back on track after you've bumped your head so many times. I know it's often promoted to 'get back up again and try again.' after hard failure, but that's more easy said than done. I know it's not an uplifting truth, but I'm afraid it's too true to me. I've had a life off bad luck so to say. Something in me hangs on to those years because it's also the time off being before my father died and I had to break down in psychosis for the first time. What if I would have done things diffrent? What if I would have spent more quality time with the old man? What if I would have never turned to Vana Events to begin with? Life could have looked entirely diffrent if I would have done the last- I would have skipped a nasty trauma I'm stuck with nowadays. I could have more content memories if I would have handled things better. Would I have been diagnosed to begin with? I will probably never know. Life might have been more hard for me if I wouldn't have had my diagnosis. But I would have liked them to do so on a softer range off memories. I just wished I had the nerves to rebel against my mom and choose my own path in life better. Not the education she wanted for me, but something more suitable for myself. I didn't like school and I felt like and outcast most off the time. I don't want people to tell me what I should do with MY past. they're MY memories and I don't like to take advice they force upon me. That's rude and inappropriate to do. I don't wish to cling on this forever, but it's going to take me some time and space to get over with it. We are shaped by our memories. I learned to toughen up by it. I have learned to become mature and strong. It's diffrent than what others think who only know me from Fantasy internet fora. I have become dedicated to choose my own path in life and not listen to those who gossip behind my back and are always ahead in their attemps to break me. I've got elephant skin and I don't listen to that since it's their own way off being rude and nasty to me anyway. It's owlcrap, they're not a wise owl. They're more off a parrot. They don't follow their own ideas and opinion. 

I prefer to follow my own path. While on other tracks off the path, I have learned to bend over to get what I want in life. It's how I balanced it out. On one hand off the scale it's diffrent than on the other one. I just wish to speak up more in real life and tell people how I truly think and feel about things for real. To keep things locked up inside is not a healthy thing. It feels good to discuss more off my point off vieuw in real life with real people. Don't be silent, speak up- it's healthy to know those who are with you from those who have a diffrent opinion. 

That's about it for now, Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 1st off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold and cloudy. Just some time ago when I was out to get my medication, the sky went pitch dark. But there is no storm yet. This summer is a cloudy one. I have my curtains already closed where I would usually have them open to let daylight in in my livingroom. I believe there is not much to do but practice for winter already and how to spend my evenings when daylight isn't beautifull outside in the evening for another half a year at least, and longer- But maybe it's best not to go too fast on that. Still it's no day to keep curtains open in the evening. Light and vitamins are an important factor off my mood. 

*

I probably have to learn to live with the issue since the Netherlands is most off the time dark, cold and rainy. We can't help but having to learn to live with the weather for most people. You can't deny it, even if you'd want to, and though we can all fill in our lives diffrently and mostly to our liking- the weather in a certain place is the same for everyone. It can't be helped. The entire nation / areas off it has to deal with it. 

I somehow decided on to let go more off my artistic side and dress more colourfull and be more pretty, finally, by taking better care off my face and hair. I have seen in a YouTube video that stress shows on your skin in the way off pimples and your nails and hair can show consequences belonging to stress and depression. To groom ourselves make us look less gloomy and depressed. I like to stick to my idea off natural and youthfull, though. Though I learned youthfull doesn't mean ungroomed as it can age you a lot faster if you don't put on skincare. I love the idea to look better, I wish I wouldn't have come to the idea off letting myself go. But depressing medications and being too low on vitamin D made me do nasty stuff on myself. Neglecting my care and being stuck inside myself is part off my mental wellbeing, or rather said- lack there off. I hope I keep on seeing the light to do good to myself again. As long as things go well, I crack free a little bit more each day. Or so it feels. 

Dressing artistic and bold as a fat woman isn't hard if you know how to pick what you like from shops and online shops. There is a wide range off lively items to be found everywhere. I love myself a bit better now I'm onto that. I'm someone who appearently needs more expression in her clothing than what I thought would be allright with me during the worst parts off feeling so moody so long. 

The newspaper holds a contest. A picture contest with 'Bold colours.' as their theme. I somehow would like to give it a try, pictureing some flowers from around the garden for that. This moment and month holds few flowers but the ones I mention are beautifully. Life is too short to be dull. 

I can tell it easy- life is in your own hands if you wish to change things, but that's only easily said if you have the sources to get to that point. Sometimes people like me are a victim off circumstances being too overpowering for life. Sometimes people need health checks before getting to a better mood. You wouldn't hand out my medication to prisoners in jail if it wasn't absolutely necessairy. Somehow they probably deserve their time in prison, but my mental medication is a burden you wouldn't even wish for that kind off people. Most people reasonable wouldn't wish it upon me that way. Mental medication is heavy and inhumane at some point. But what option do you have if your mind goes mad on you? Back to the point off this- it's hardly possible for people on heavy mind medication to get themselves to a good point in life and get themselves to positive again. It's a side effect they, unfortnately, can barely help. It would help people if the world was more aware off that. People with mental damage like a schizo affective disorder look ungroomed and depressed, or are insane and unreasonable but it's not their fault. Take count off it and don't be nasty towards them about it if they try their best to stay sane by taking medication but look filthy. Mental health is not a lifepath we choose. 

That said, I notice when people smell bad either, just like normal people. I felt inspired to do things about it but maybe I could carefully notice to fellow patients they smell a bit off and they should brush their teeth or groom their nails a bit better. I hope it won't offend anyone or make them sad about themselves- in that case I feel like a true bitch. Making a fellow patient cry who already does hard is not my intention. (They could have mentioned themselves countless times but just can't bring up the mental energy to do so.) It's part off mental health problems to do so. I could come off rude if I would try. It's unfair that medication for people who are doing hard makes them less aware off themselves and drains all energy from them to care off themselves. I know about it. It's one off the main points about this disease my mom loathes about it. It doesn't help the de-stigmatisation off mental people to make them look filthy and ungroomed.   

I would overthink myself a lot if I would write a book on self-help, but that's hopefully a healthy thing to do. We have our life in our own hands, but sometimes we are just victims off circumstances. But if we can bring up the energy to work on it - we should do so and not keep on playing the victim for a lifetime. As that doesn't bring us any further. Your trauma isn't your fault, but your healing from it and coping with it is YOUR responsibility. My parents where hard people to deal with, but I don't like to talk about that because they're still my parents and they probably wheren't any better than they where. It's how I handle this issue in my mind. I still love my parents, though you could see their behaviour as perfect examples off mental abuse. They where and are incredibly harsh on me but they are still my parents. 

 I can barely believe something kept me from doing my utmost best in life for four traumatic years. I have been through a lot off nasty things and I could fill books with my trauma's. Life still isn't easy for me. It's hard for someone who hasn't been through a lot to understand me. For who and how I am for real. People could perfectly put up a bad image off me because I'm difficult. And keep it at that. But someone at the same wavelength is very hard to find. You think you know me, but you probably don't know only the half off it. I have to find people in real life to help me with that issue. That's going to help me better than the internet. 

Life is both short and long, but having unhealed trauma isn't something people can easily help. It's inappropriate to yell things like 'Let it go! Let it go!' So easily at someone's head. It's too hard off a burden for most and it's so hard they can't lead normal lives due to it sometimes. It's not up to you to blurt to people to 'let it all go at once.' You're no professional and it's rude. Try to be understanding and have patience with someone. If it takes too much off you, it's probably best to show what you're worth and not bother them too much with yourself. Their life is already hard enough as it is. It might not show well to them, but talking for myself, someone who doesn't bother me with immaturity is better than someone annoying who can't bring up the guts to be understanding. 

Allright, that's about it for this evening- Thank you for reading.