Clinging on to the recent past (1)

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today started cloudy and cold, but it seems to end beautifully and bright. There's nothing to complain about this evening.  

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I'm one off these people who dwell over her past. You might have heard about it- people who can't get over with a certain period off time. Sometimes I look at the date off today, and think off how this day went in 2008, or 2010. I have to deal with the period 2008-2014. I foresee that I'm going to have to deal with more recent issues just aswell, but that hasn't boomeranged back as a trauma yet. During 2008-2014 I was 16-22 years old and it's the hard period off time right before I started protected living in the Zaan area. I was at school, my father died and I had my first psychosis. I tried to start again after the first delusions but then broke down and had to be taken in at a psychiatric health institute. Just after that my dream off being in politics broke down and I had to deal with my mom who couldn't handle my disease and I was unemployed and poor most off the time. It was also the time off the rise and fall off 'Starlight.' at the Vana Events forum and the first stage off my traumatic and unfair fight I wish I could get over with. A lot off traumatic and unfair things happened during that period off time in my life, and it's said people remember that period off their lives best during their entire life. 

I wish I had other things to remember. Like friends, a first love, a nice school, some cool happenings and climbing up the social ladder after working hard for it- but all off that never happened to me. It was a failure when I look back at it. I don't know what I've learned from all off that, but I sure learned to be more carefull with things in life at this moment. It's not as if you can easily get back on track after you've bumped your head so many times. I know it's often promoted to 'get back up again and try again.' after hard failure, but that's more easy said than done. I know it's not an uplifting truth, but I'm afraid it's too true to me. I've had a life off bad luck so to say. Something in me hangs on to those years because it's also the time off being before my father died and I had to break down in psychosis for the first time. What if I would have done things diffrent? What if I would have spent more quality time with the old man? What if I would have never turned to Vana Events to begin with? Life could have looked entirely diffrent if I would have done the last- I would have skipped a nasty trauma I'm stuck with nowadays. I could have more content memories if I would have handled things better. Would I have been diagnosed to begin with? I will probably never know. Life might have been more hard for me if I wouldn't have had my diagnosis. But I would have liked them to do so on a softer range off memories. I just wished I had the nerves to rebel against my mom and choose my own path in life better. Not the education she wanted for me, but something more suitable for myself. I didn't like school and I felt like and outcast most off the time. I don't want people to tell me what I should do with MY past. they're MY memories and I don't like to take advice they force upon me. That's rude and inappropriate to do. I don't wish to cling on this forever, but it's going to take me some time and space to get over with it. We are shaped by our memories. I learned to toughen up by it. I have learned to become mature and strong. It's diffrent than what others think who only know me from Fantasy internet fora. I have become dedicated to choose my own path in life and not listen to those who gossip behind my back and are always ahead in their attemps to break me. I've got elephant skin and I don't listen to that since it's their own way off being rude and nasty to me anyway. It's owlcrap, they're not a wise owl. They're more off a parrot. They don't follow their own ideas and opinion. 

I prefer to follow my own path. While on other tracks off the path, I have learned to bend over to get what I want in life. It's how I balanced it out. On one hand off the scale it's diffrent than on the other one. I just wish to speak up more in real life and tell people how I truly think and feel about things for real. To keep things locked up inside is not a healthy thing. It feels good to discuss more off my point off vieuw in real life with real people. Don't be silent, speak up- it's healthy to know those who are with you from those who have a diffrent opinion. 

That's about it for now, Thank you for reading.