The here and now, and among my own kind.

Good evening everyone, 

Yesterday and the day before where beautifull, sunny and bright. Unfortunately I hadn't have much off a chance to enjoy it because I felt bad in my head. A strange kind off 'attack.' happened and made me caught up in my own thoughts a lot. I happened to have had these attacks before, but they stopped some time ago. There happened to be one yesterday and I still have issues off it today. 

Today the weather changes a lot but it's mainly sunny with some clouds here and there. It's luckily not overly hot. I hoped  for a rainstorm but this is what we got. I think I should be feeling lucky there hasn't been a flood in this area off the Netherlands. It could always be worse. 

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Still I went on with life. Today was for monday grocery shopping. I still have to work with cash from a saving jar which I'm almost out off. This week I hope to receive my new bank card. I hope to receive it since I have to be sober for about four weeks now. I'm glad I have no big plans soon with my money so I can recharge my cash savings again for when such an incident happens again. It's good to be prepared for catastrophes in life and be not dependant on others. It's good to be capable to safe your own ass. 

My medication has enlowered and I have had an issue in my head yesterday. I talked it over with a care-taker and it did well on me to talk things out with her instead off breaking down from it. It worked to get me sane again, or at least take away the nasty feeling which stung in my head. 

I have been overthinking groups. Cultural groups and age groups mainly. I don't want to put on a stigma on anyone so I won't overthink out loud what I thought about it. The young, The Morroccan, The Chinese, The Japanese, The tourists, The retired, The Surinamese, The Indian, The Indonesian, The mental issued, - What am I looking for among that? Crime? Poverty? Drugs probably? -Well, err, no.- (That doesn't mean it consists mainly out off criminals, but it's a stereotype it's to be found more among other cultures.) While overthinking all off that, something brought me back to the here and now on that side by the fish pond and told me 'Here and now, among your own kind. And don't go further with looking for something suspicious among other cultures. That can be dangerous.' Then I was back at the bench on the head off the pond, my sight and my mind a bit foggy but I wasn't wandering anymore. What was I looking for? I have to be Dutch in at the beginning off the 21st century, in the here and now and what do I have to look for here? I'm here and myself for a reason. 'Don't go further beyond the border off the here and now.' I was looking around among the plants, the pond, the bushes, the trees, the houses- it didn't look bad, it looked nice and it was nice to be there. Maybe I'm looking for something interesting to think about. Something fascinating to keep me occupied- other cultures for example. I'm not looking for trouble with people. I'm broad minded and like to be that way. 

Something inside me just felt the urge to take me to where I was and put me back to where I lived. I do have trouble with the here and now, sometimes it's just boring and dull to live where I live and stick to daily routine without getting to crack beyond my borders. I wish I was higher educated and capable to have a cool job and travel a bit. I also have a feeling I have to be here for a reason. This country is good for it's citizens and it's not bad to be here. Sometimes it's good to kick up the leaves a bit and make people weary off their short-mindedness and inside the box thinking. Not much people have a fascination for the middle east before the Islam got in there so strictly, or for cooking beyond borders. Maybe it's just where I live. People are too occupied with being Dutch and their own kind off things. And mainly they think that is enough for them. Dutch people in the Netherlands are buisy being Dutch. They can't help it. They have a suspicion against other cultures nowadays. They don't like to overthink things from others. Maybe that's healthy, maybe that's short minded. Other cultures sometimes aren't all that either. They have their own issues we better don't get involved in and as far as it goes- people live in groups off their own. This country is not a melting pot and the idea 'multicultural' doesn't work for most. There have been too much terrorist attacks in Europe to get people to trust others. I can't blame them for it. I wish to live open minded, but I see what they're pointing at from their vision on things. I live among common care-takers and people with a mental handicap, ordinairy people who are nice but who don't wish to see beyond their borders. Maybe that's why I like to think about it now and then. Cultural diffrences, other people, Strange things- things to kick up the leaves a bit. Not to leave people hurt or confused, but I believe they tend to move to that direction once I'm too much about it. It's been a tendency muslims have taken a lot off lower paid jobs from lower educated people and giving them less chances at the jobmarket. The Netherlands is not a multicultural society, though we have a lot off cultures living here. Still they look strange at each other once you enter their supermarket. It's not something I do. I don't go to areas where I can be in trouble as it's commonly known you can get in trouble due to them being criminal a lot. It's a pity they don't want to acclimate more to this country. Or think more thankfull off a country which gives them more chances than their own has ever given them. Respect is the key to that. I see why original Dutch have troubles with them. I cheer for those who take their time to acclimate well to this country. I have been in class with a lot off hard working Turkish women and I like them. I think Turkish people are incredibly nice and well mannered. Getting to know people on your own level helps to keep you from predjudices. It works with if they want to be an active part off Dutch society. You also see them a lot in health care. They are nice. 

I have to be here for a reason, in my own skin and among my own culture. I haven't figured out why or how. It takes a little more dots on the I for me to like it. I need a little extra, not a love affair, but something like an interest, a subject to love, something that has my deep interest in every day life. Not something superficial, but a cool subject. Cultures and cultural diffrences are a cool subject, and so is a big understanding off people off all kinds. Still I have to be here and me- I have to learn to work and live with that. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.