Clinging on to the recent past (2)

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening is bright and sunny. It's beautifull outside. 

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I'm one off those people who cling on to the recent past. The time off going to school every day, my father, my mother, our house and that what's never going to be changed again to something good. 

I wish life could become brighter and better. Something less heavy on my shoulders and something good to look ahead to. It's been a burden so far and I have been suffering for quite some time. I barely have anyone I can talk with and relate these issues to. It's pressure on my shoulders and no one really knows but care-takers. I can talk things over with them. I hope it would solve issues by now but it's hard to overcome things I have been talking about with them. Suffering in silence won't work. I believe stating online what you're going through can be off help to people who also have this issue. You are not alone in suffering from schizophrenia or suffering from your past. But mainly I do this for myself- to find a way off relief. 

It's hard to overcome my past and talk things over with my mom since she has eyebatches about this subject. She prefers to take on life with her new husband again and refuses to truly help me with my issues. It's annoying. But I can't do much about it. I just wish she wouldn't let me walk alone in this. 

Sometimes I wish it was 2010 again, or 2008- right before everything would get nasty and shot me down to failure. It's hard to overcome when you have no chances again in real life because you never had the chance to get to school again and make it in the outside world. And it hurts. Life hurts. Would I have been diagnosed with Schizophrenia? That's where the tragedy became it's worst point. Getting the life off a patient instead off a normal girl. Or maybe it's when my dad died in 2012. And just a few months before- when I got my first schizophrenic episode and the police send me to mental health. I just couldn't handle things anymore and everything went out off hand during that nasty year. I wish I could get over with it and let go finally. But it's not possible for me to let trauma's go this moment off time. I suffer from it a lot and that's why I got into psychiatric healthcare. 

When I take a look at the symptoms belonging to schizophrenia, to me it seems like the person who has it, and speaking off my own issues, it seems like people have incredible Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom and are dealing with that. I don't know if that is truly the case, but it's said traumatic events from your past can cause schizophrenia. I've been coping for a long time with so much issues and after a matter off time, it's more than someone can bear. It becomes way too much. I just never took much count off my personal borders because I believed in 'Just going on without complaining.' Because there is no choice left in life but doing that. When I look back at it, I see I had better choices. I was just ruled too much by what my mom always wanted me to do and now she can't discuss things with me since she closed herself down for it. It seems unfair to me she's such a biggot. I wish she had things in life better organized and better in line for herself instead off making stupid choices and burden us with it. I wish I had the guts to speak up to her and really get angry about all that has been. But I can't stand it when she cries since she also has been through a lot. It's been above her level off understanding what has happened and It's also the main reason why she can't help me but I suffer a lot from it. So to you to know. I bet most people never knew about this. I have big issues with my parents and a suffering inner child. I had to be and act more mature when I was a kid than most people had. My parents couldn't handle life well. I'm diffrent than people out there with a healthy youth. I react and cope diffrent on most issues. I often feel diffrent than average. 

The psychiatrist says I don't have to take mom's issues on my shoulder when she has them, but I can't help but caring for my family. I wish she would do her best more for my depressed brother and my autistic other brother, but she doesn't do what's best for them in my opinion. If I could safe them all, I would do so but I can't. It's something I often have words with about with the psychiatrist. I see it as logic to care for my family and feel with them but they tell me I can't take everything on my shoulder. My dad could have safed my brothers. Not my mom. She was dependent on dad and she needs a new husband to depend on aswell. She doesn't have the know how to safe my two brothers to sane adulthood. I wish she wasn't so stupid at times. Sometimes when people from here meet her, they ask me if she has an issue aswell as she comes off as mental to them and that says a lot but she has never been diagnosed. I wouldn't look strange if she turns out to have issues, though. She just has eyecuffs when it comes to helping us well. She is hard to handle for us. It wouldn't be healthy to go back to my parental home still sometimes I wish I never got into protected living as it's too much at times to handle well. Sometimes I still wish to go back and sometimes when I sleep, I wake up in my old bedroom but it's all tidied up instead off the mess it once was. It's always a lucid dream about a time and place I can never go back to. I hate waking up from dreams about my safe haven. When I was younger, my bedroom was the safest place on earth to me. It was always a horrendous mess, but it was safe and it was mine. 

My parents where a terrible match. It's the main reason I don't get into relationships easily. They would have gotten a divorce and decided on that just before my dad died. It never got to that point but I ended up with a wounded vision on love and marriage. For ever after- as long as it's painfully unhappy. So not for me and not with the wrong person. I'm not ready for a relationship because off that. I haven't skipped on relationships because off that, but just felt it wasn't right for me is true. At the moment I don't feel for going after something because off this and probably it will end up wrong because off my nasty trauma's. I feel allright with being single for a long time. It's not as bad as a bad relationship with someone who isn't a true match. I'm not desperately after someone or something. I always have known it's better to have no relationship than to have a bad relationship. At the moment I'm into trauma healing so I know I'm better off on my own at this moment off being. It's a pity for those who think I'm after something- but I'm not. It's not healthy to let someone else heal your problems and be some sort off a 'Guardian Angel.' over you because they might become your problem after you've cured. I'm sorry to say. It's always better to do so on your own but with back support from your surrounding and professionals. 

For me personal, true love might be a myth. It's not hard to chase people away the way I do it. But I don't feel awfull by it. I have made peace with it at some point. Self acceptance and peace with your weird qualities is a way off healing. I can recommend it to most people. I always have had a wide range off forgiveness towards myself. It's a good thing. That's a part off myself I can deal with. It's not an issue. 

My old house was maintained awfully by my parents. It's also part off the trauma to have been poor and to have been in a low quality house with all kinds off dangerous eletricity issues and leakages. I have mentioned that before. Winters where stone cold in those days. They couldn't keep up with the maintainance. Life was bad in general for me. 

That's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.