Good evening at the 9th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's sunny outside. During music yesterday they asked me to sing out loud a newspaper article at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. I decided to make fun off the occasion and started reading / singing out loud the weather forecast. It told it would be 25 degrees celsius that day. Summer weather is here. But it's still cloudy here and there and it's called 'Typical Dutch Summer.' by the newspaper. Next week will be an entire week off rain. Nevertless, it was fun to annoy people and sing the weather forecast a few times. We have someone who sings news articles perfectly when it's Thursday music afternoon at de Boed. They asked me and I gave it my own twist. I don't know if I'll get away with it again. 

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Today was for being exhausted. I have barely done anything and I'm tired like crazy. I'm fighting my way off off too heavy medication and despite extra vitamin D- I'm tired again. I hope I'm not actually depressed, though I have several symptoms off a depression and I feel low and moody all the time. I felt inspired to sing the weather yesterday and put on a great dress today. But that's all there is for today and tomorrow, probably. I wish I knew a lasting method to get myself energetic again and feeling better. Coffee doesn't work but it tastes nice. Cleaning the tables after dinner today made me feel good. I already feel bad and it's not even autumn. *Sarcastic Peter Griffin voice.* This withholds a promise to this weblog about me being depressed all the time. I can sense more content for the next year. *Peter Griffin voice off*. Tomorrow there will be thunderstorms. Summer isn't promising this year. 

I wish to talk about positive things more. It's hard to find the positive when you don't feel well. I don't even have the energy anymore to clean myself propperly like I wanted to before I got stuck. Maybe I should give myself some time and wait untill I feel better- Or I should give myself a buttkick and try again but I don't want to be too harsh on myself. I told you I wanted to give myself time and space to cure. I wish there was some more light in my life. Lively and positive? Today I don't think so, except for my dress. Maybe I should try more everyday chores to feel good about life again- that seems to work a bit. Life can be so tough when you feel tired all the time. On the other hand- I feel less out off my mind when I'm depressed. Less crazy. But is that a good thing? I wish to celebrate life- not indulge in gloomyness. Tomorrow I can sleep in and I hope that will do well for my mood. I need a few days off from de Boed at times during the weekend. I have a buisy life. Moodyness was a side effect to one off the medications I have. It's medical and I hate that. These meds should make us feel better about life and ourselves- not moody, ugly and fat. That's not fair and science has a world to win in that field. 

Depression is not fair. Health problems are never fair. Still I keep on trying to fight what I have these weeks. I wish to do better with less medication. 

The Netherlands is heading to code red when it comes to Corona. We're heading to a fourth wave off increased infections though the hospitals aren't filled with new patients. Vaccine numbers are increasing. I don't hope we're going after a next lockdown but the trouble this country has is not over yet. 

I feel foggy inside. That's a term for a feeling lowering with medication can cause in your head. You feel as if it's stuffed with cotton pads or clouds and it's a hard feeling. I don't know who I'm reaching at with my stories and if they think what I do is helpfull to them. Maybe there are tons off people in psychiatric health care having my issues who like to read about all off this- while other more common people might be engrossed by it. It's probably hard for 'normal.' people to handle people in psychiatric health care. It's why it requires specialists to do so. I should remember my own advice and pamper myself a bit this evening by taking a warm shower with nice smelling stuff. I could use one. Warmth is needed when you feel like this. Finding motivation and pushing myself forward is almost impossible in this state off mind. Floods are highly running underneath the skin off my face. It's idiotic how almost nothing is visible about it. 

I've read up on it just a moment ago, and depression is a side effect to Palliperidone. The main medicine I'm using at this moment and it's so incredibly mean. I have to take this and my cheerfull mood off feeling better is probably decreased by medication. I hope meds don't see uplifted moods as a problem and start to work on that. I feel horrendous by it. I have been visiting my family and that's also often a trigger for mood changes. I have to be carefull for life with myself when I read up on side effects to this medicine. Depressed for life because off a medicine is tough. As far as I mention it- calmer mood, less likely to groom, more depressed- my medication has probably taken on my uplifted mood from previous days. Sleeplessness is also a side effect according to what I've read. (An online published document from The European Medicines Agency) 

Palliperidone- Side effects  

Gut issues seem to be part off it too. Previous year I had massive gut issues and stomach pains all the time. I don't know what a Guardian Angel can make off this once he reads it. I have a Guardian Angel who helps me with health issues all the time when I post them online. He seems to read them and helps me on it. Unfortunately the Agency considers side effects less off a problem than the benefits to this medication. I have little to choose from once I have issues again, I have tried about four meds for mental health issues the previous years and this is the fifth. They don't work on me sometimes. As far as this goes- I'm covered by most benefits. I feel more calm than I have felt the previous weeks. Tired and cloudy- but I'm not out off my mind. I love my Guardian Angel for taking my health issues upon his shoulders all the time. Human beings are sometimes too mortal to make it through everything by themselves. Guardian Angels are a great help. We can't proove a thing about them, but sometimes it's good to somewhat sense they are there for us. 

I'm a bit moody. Tomorrow is another day and I'd be proud off myself if I would just brush my teeth and tie my hair in a bun aside to putting on sleeping wear. A shower is a bit too optimistic.

Allright, that's about it- Thank you all for reading.