Good evening everyone,
Today was cold and cloudy. Just some time ago when I was out to get my medication, the sky went pitch dark. But there is no storm yet. This summer is a cloudy one. I have my curtains already closed where I would usually have them open to let daylight in in my livingroom. I believe there is not much to do but practice for winter already and how to spend my evenings when daylight isn't beautifull outside in the evening for another half a year at least, and longer- But maybe it's best not to go too fast on that. Still it's no day to keep curtains open in the evening. Light and vitamins are an important factor off my mood.
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I probably have to learn to live with the issue since the Netherlands is most off the time dark, cold and rainy. We can't help but having to learn to live with the weather for most people. You can't deny it, even if you'd want to, and though we can all fill in our lives diffrently and mostly to our liking- the weather in a certain place is the same for everyone. It can't be helped. The entire nation / areas off it has to deal with it.
I somehow decided on to let go more off my artistic side and dress more colourfull and be more pretty, finally, by taking better care off my face and hair. I have seen in a YouTube video that stress shows on your skin in the way off pimples and your nails and hair can show consequences belonging to stress and depression. To groom ourselves make us look less gloomy and depressed. I like to stick to my idea off natural and youthfull, though. Though I learned youthfull doesn't mean ungroomed as it can age you a lot faster if you don't put on skincare. I love the idea to look better, I wish I wouldn't have come to the idea off letting myself go. But depressing medications and being too low on vitamin D made me do nasty stuff on myself. Neglecting my care and being stuck inside myself is part off my mental wellbeing, or rather said- lack there off. I hope I keep on seeing the light to do good to myself again. As long as things go well, I crack free a little bit more each day. Or so it feels.
Dressing artistic and bold as a fat woman isn't hard if you know how to pick what you like from shops and online shops. There is a wide range off lively items to be found everywhere. I love myself a bit better now I'm onto that. I'm someone who appearently needs more expression in her clothing than what I thought would be allright with me during the worst parts off feeling so moody so long.
The newspaper holds a contest. A picture contest with 'Bold colours.' as their theme. I somehow would like to give it a try, pictureing some flowers from around the garden for that. This moment and month holds few flowers but the ones I mention are beautifully. Life is too short to be dull.
I can tell it easy- life is in your own hands if you wish to change things, but that's only easily said if you have the sources to get to that point. Sometimes people like me are a victim off circumstances being too overpowering for life. Sometimes people need health checks before getting to a better mood. You wouldn't hand out my medication to prisoners in jail if it wasn't absolutely necessairy. Somehow they probably deserve their time in prison, but my mental medication is a burden you wouldn't even wish for that kind off people. Most people reasonable wouldn't wish it upon me that way. Mental medication is heavy and inhumane at some point. But what option do you have if your mind goes mad on you? Back to the point off this- it's hardly possible for people on heavy mind medication to get themselves to a good point in life and get themselves to positive again. It's a side effect they, unfortnately, can barely help. It would help people if the world was more aware off that. People with mental damage like a schizo affective disorder look ungroomed and depressed, or are insane and unreasonable but it's not their fault. Take count off it and don't be nasty towards them about it if they try their best to stay sane by taking medication but look filthy. Mental health is not a lifepath we choose.
That said, I notice when people smell bad either, just like normal people. I felt inspired to do things about it but maybe I could carefully notice to fellow patients they smell a bit off and they should brush their teeth or groom their nails a bit better. I hope it won't offend anyone or make them sad about themselves- in that case I feel like a true bitch. Making a fellow patient cry who already does hard is not my intention. (They could have mentioned themselves countless times but just can't bring up the mental energy to do so.) It's part off mental health problems to do so. I could come off rude if I would try. It's unfair that medication for people who are doing hard makes them less aware off themselves and drains all energy from them to care off themselves. I know about it. It's one off the main points about this disease my mom loathes about it. It doesn't help the de-stigmatisation off mental people to make them look filthy and ungroomed.
I would overthink myself a lot if I would write a book on self-help, but that's hopefully a healthy thing to do. We have our life in our own hands, but sometimes we are just victims off circumstances. But if we can bring up the energy to work on it - we should do so and not keep on playing the victim for a lifetime. As that doesn't bring us any further. Your trauma isn't your fault, but your healing from it and coping with it is YOUR responsibility. My parents where hard people to deal with, but I don't like to talk about that because they're still my parents and they probably wheren't any better than they where. It's how I handle this issue in my mind. I still love my parents, though you could see their behaviour as perfect examples off mental abuse. They where and are incredibly harsh on me but they are still my parents.
I can barely believe something kept me from doing my utmost best in life for four traumatic years. I have been through a lot off nasty things and I could fill books with my trauma's. Life still isn't easy for me. It's hard for someone who hasn't been through a lot to understand me. For who and how I am for real. People could perfectly put up a bad image off me because I'm difficult. And keep it at that. But someone at the same wavelength is very hard to find. You think you know me, but you probably don't know only the half off it. I have to find people in real life to help me with that issue. That's going to help me better than the internet.
Life is both short and long, but having unhealed trauma isn't something people can easily help. It's inappropriate to yell things like 'Let it go! Let it go!' So easily at someone's head. It's too hard off a burden for most and it's so hard they can't lead normal lives due to it sometimes. It's not up to you to blurt to people to 'let it all go at once.' You're no professional and it's rude. Try to be understanding and have patience with someone. If it takes too much off you, it's probably best to show what you're worth and not bother them too much with yourself. Their life is already hard enough as it is. It might not show well to them, but talking for myself, someone who doesn't bother me with immaturity is better than someone annoying who can't bring up the guts to be understanding.
Allright, that's about it for this evening- Thank you for reading.
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