Good afternoon at the 30th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

The weather today is cloudy and cold. With here and there a rainshower. 

*

Serving Farmer Cake was a big succes this morning. I better could have made three since I was short in it this morning and that's a bad thing. People loved it and I had fun serving them coffee and cake. 

This is what my workspace looks like on Monday morning. It had several good reasons to serve cake with my coffeeshift. No matter what the rest off the week will be like, at least Monday morning started good for me and the people who had my cake. My cake got declared better than Albert Heijn's. (A big supermarket branch. That cake got declared utmost bad.) And it got complimented in how I managed not to make it dry. People loved it's consistency. I love it when that happens and the morning starts good. 

Day 15 off No-Spend-Month. I'm close to it's half. I had my groceries today for cheap and I have the feeling living affordable is a choice rather than a must today since supermarket prices wheren't skyrocketing today. That's a luck for me. Still I want to fullfill it. (I did my groceries economical this afternoon and I barely spend money on extra's.)  Plus there was flour on the shelves which is even more off a softening for this nightmare. It seems I'm not truly bleeding anymore but not spending too much is a choice. (And finishing off what I still have on the shelves isn't a bad idea either.) I could allow myself a new coffeemaker or a new cookbook once I finished this task. My old coffeemaker needs to be replaced, and I love collecting cookbooks. So both off them are luxury items which could count as a reward once I'm done with it. And then continueing with it to the entire summer? It wouldn't do bad to do so.  

I haven't puchased hazelnuts for cookiebaking today. I found it counted as an unnecessairy luxury so I kept myself from doing it. It's also something for when No-Spend-Month is over. I could give myself some space after the first period is done, eating fish, buying a cookbook and a coffeemaker and then continue. If it's not a necessity anymore, I could allow myself some space to breathe before I go on. But that's for when this period is over. Let's keep on with it first. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good afternoon at the 29th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

The weather is cloudy with here and there a rainshower and it's not warm. 

*

Farmer cake is a Dutch classic. Almost everyone is capable to bake that cake and it's beloved by most people. I had 6 eggs left on the shelve and all the other ingredients on stock, so I decided to make two today so I have something to serve tomorrow at my coffeeshift. There's something gratefull about serving home made cake with fresh coffee on a cold and rainy monday morning. (The weather promises to become cold and rainy.) I'm not intending to do so every monday. That might be a bit overdone. But wasting 6 eggs would have been such a pity I couldn't resist to do something with them and Farmer cake can't be mastered too much if you like to bake. 

It fits into No-Spend-Month since everything was on the shelve and it would have been a waste to let it spoil. (I have spend no extra money on these.) Still we can have fresh cake on Monday morning. 

This might beat two flies in one clap: Not spending, and hopefully helping people cope with the crisis. Aside to that, 30 May would have been my belated grandfathers birthday (from mom's side) I think he likes the idea off Farmer cake at his birthday tomorrow. 

I fullfilled No-Spend-Month for two weeks now. It goes well and I stay strong throughout the week. It's not hard at all. Should I give myself a break and reward myself after that period? Or just immediately go on with summer? I made an appointment with a caretaker to have fish in a seafood restaurant short after I fullfilled No-Spend-Month. That could perfectly be my reward for this period. I still don´t have much money to spend throughout the week and I could keep it at that for a reward. Every once in a while we have to spoil ourselves and I allow myself that fish. But that´s for over three weeks. Let´s see by day if I can fullfill my goal, though I have the idea I just have to take it sober to even pay for those basic essentials. It´s not really rewarding to be sober, but a plain necessity. 

The bad feeling I had previous week is fading. I feel less bad than I did yesterday but it´s still taking it moderate and easy for me and I really have to be cautious the next period so I can have my rest and not overwork myself. It´s hard to think I can handle more than I actually can. There was a time where I could do it. But that has been, long ago. It´s sad to think my life has been hard ever since my teens. It never has been easy for me. I feel better now I´m back at home in my own surrounding. 

Allright, that´s about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 28th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny changing with clouds. It was pretty warm and there was no rain. 

*

I went home from mom's place since I had no energy to stay there the entire weekend. I feel so bad in my head I had to go home. I feel bad about it, but being in my own space, I feel better about it since I needed it for my health. I feel good inside my home and I feel an extra day off rest will do well for me tomorrow. 

They still excist: Square springforms and they are perfectly available at the internet, but No-Spend-Month requires me to stay sober and not buy that when I have a cupboard filled with perfect springforms. It's the art off not spending money on unnecessairy things. Except for charging my travelling card again, I have spend no money today on luxury items. I have been charging it so I could travel home by train. Often I take a long bus trip since it feels kinda adventurous to take the long route, but this weekend was for train two times. I have been spending almost all money I saved with groceries on my travelling card. That's how expensive railroad travelling (even that small distance) has become but it was a necessity. And it was somewhat fun, travelling by train since I don't do that often. Public transport in the area where my mom lives could be arranged better during weekends. Busses don't enclose well on each other and there are 40 minutes gasps when the bus only goes once every hour. It's a shame almost for that area.  

I have spend a lot off money on my travelling card this weekend. It feels a bit sour not to have saved a lot on my pay account this week despite taking it sober. On the other hand, I haven't spend it either. I saved just a little this week. (It's unfair. But it's probably how I'm supposed to do it with everything so expensive. Just money for basic things and no luxury for a long time.) 

Next period the energy bill for a lot off households will be a lot more expensive. A lot off people have to take it cheap these days. The same goes for groceries. Square springforms will be something for when this crisis is over, probably. It's day 13 off No-Spend-Month, and tomorrow it will be two full weeks. I have no plans on spending a big extra next week aside to groceries. I don't have to go somewhere and there is nothing expensive planned for me. The perfect week to fullfill my goal a bit more and safe a bit on my pay account. (Or just come round, as how I did this week.) I'm just like most people nowadays. I'm no exception in it. Most times I'm not like most people when it comes to a lot off things, but these days I bleed like everyone. 

A positive thing is that there is Detox tea by Clipper this evening for me to drink. At least I have good tea tonight. Other than that, my Saturday night will probably be boring as hell. I have nothing to do or see, I can watch a bit off TV if I wish to and see if they still have that funny TV show they had previous week which was good for a few laughs. (I don't have any snacks to go with it.) And watch the news ahead to that, since I try to each Saturday to keep up a bit with the world. (I don't follow it every day since that requires too much off me. But I try to sometimes.) Life for mental people is already hard enough without crisis and war. It's not fair. I hope I can cope with all this without getting more trauma scars than I already have. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.        

Good afternoon at the 27th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

The weather is cold and cloudy. Not much for a day in May. 

*

Day 12 off No-Spend-Month goes well. I haven't spend money on unnecessairy items so far. It hasn't been a bad idea to take part in No-Spend-Month. Most people I talk to about it think it's a good idea off me to do such a challenge. They support me in it. 

Today was for coffee and sleeping in a bit after taking my morning medication. Most off the time I can't sleep anymore after morning medication but laying in bed was relaxed for this morning after a night off bad sleep. 

I'm overthinking wheter to buy hazelnuts for cookie baking or not. It would be the dot to the i in my next baking project next week when I feel like it, but they're expensive and hazelnuts for that purpose could count as a luxury. Now there's flour on the shelves again in supermarkets, I wish to make it my mission again to make people forget the crisis and help them through with excellent bakings. A hazelnut situated in a cookie would give it just that little extra so it could pass for that. I just have to see how expensive the groceries turn out. Strictly seen it's food and that's a necessity. But hazelnuts for cookie baking are not. Trading one mission for the other? I think I will buy those hazelnuts. If they don't drive up the price for my regulair groceries too much, I'm going to make that offer next week. (Otherwise people have to live with cookies without a hazelnut. I just hope I can deal with it myself if my project doesn't turn out to be as close to perfect as I can get. The perfectionist in me complains.) I wish to make those cookies for a reason. 

10 years ago I made something similair as what I got in mind during my first episode off psychosis. (Even when I'm mad as a doorknob I bake.) That version didn't have a hazelnut but they where nevertless good. Why am I to celebrate such an incident? The 10th year after such an episode with a creative outcome took place? For god sake, no. I like to re-do them since I obtained a cookiecutter yesterday I used for that first version, and now I want to do them again but then a bit more fancy for de Boed. It's as if I am celebrating that incident. Is that common sense? Maybe it's a way to deal with it. Psychosis cookies. Delusion cookies. (Probably those cookies are confused as heck themselves.) Maybe it's a good thing to give the idea for those cookies another purpose at de Boed so I can let go off it. (Or bake them over and over if people like them.) That would give the whole thing something good. Turn something bad into something good. That is a good idea. I just wish to place a hazelnut in the centre this time to really make them special. (And brushing some eggwash over them.) 

It's been 10 years since that first episode. 15 May 2012 I was found by classmates  (in their pretty far away city) confused and lost in my mind after to have been out for a night with delusions in my head. Maybe that's the reason why I have been doing bad this week. 10 awfull years. I'm still not doing well, but I'm fighting it. Really, an anniversary cookie to celebrate all that? I'm not right in my head to do so. It's not much off a festive year. Except that I'm turning 30 this year. Two weeks after my birthday 10 years ago my dad died. Or maybe I should turn something bad into something good for the greater good. Still I should talk it over with health care. 

Maybe I can laugh about it rather than to be upset when it turns out good. I hope it makes me laugh and let go. It's not easy. I could also let go off it and not bake them at all. (And be less hard on myself.) That's what most people would do. Not buying hazelnuts to begin with to solve these kind off things. I'm starting to feel bad about the project when I overlook what I've just written above. It could feel like scratching open a wound if I would make them and that's not the intention. It's rare for me to feel such a strong emotion at all. And I feel ashamed when I look at it in my memory. I've been 10 years on medication, for example. That's not a reason for a festive cookie. I think I won't bake it if it makes me feel this way. End off discussion, thoze hazelnuts will not be bought. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 27th off May, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

Yesterday started with coffee in the sun at de Boed,  community centre in Zaandijk. But it ended quite cloudy. 

*

I can't sleep tonight and I have been doing bad almost all week. From monday on. Yesterday half way morning it faded and I decided to go to my parental home for the weekend, which I cancelled at first. I made it here by train. I'm still not doing great and I can't sleep this night. I have a hard week. It was a good idea to get here, though. I love my parental home and being here feels good. Despite feeling mentally lame with those attacks (Or is it one big one?) inside my head. 

Yesterday was for a scrumptious barbecue for dinner over here. My brother does well in barbecueing. 

Day 11 off No-Spend-Month went well, I just had to charge my travelling card so I could get here. But you could count that as a necessity. And I didn't enlarge its charge with a lot off money. So I think it's not bad. Despite not spending, I had a good ascencion day lunch at de Boed (They made a fancy hamburger and we had some off my soup left) and a scrumptious barbecue yesterday. It wasn't so bad spending little money. 

My mom came up with a few baking items she had still in her cupboard which where mine before I left this home. It feels good to work with that nostalgia. I love to have gotten all those baking tins and cookiecutters she had left. 

You know what pure nostalgia is for me? Square applepie. (Or Dutch appeltaart. it's a big diffrence in baking methods.) there was a time when square baking tins and springforms where in fashion and my dad had us three springforms in diffrent sizes and we made a lot off them. They don't have those anymore and mom doesn't has them either. They are gone lost in time. luckily I have a medium sized one in my home and I have made one already. (It should be bigger, or de Boed doesn't has enough if I make it in that.) It felt so good. If I ever come across a square springform that's quite big, it's mine. 

By the age off 17 I made pretty good 'appeltaart.' I have a picky aunt and grandmother from mother's side, but when they came over for coffee and we had my 'appeltaart.' They loved it. And so did grandpa. He was an incredibly picky eater, but my appeltaart was perfect. 

There's nothing fancy or pretentious about my appeltaart, it's just that I love it square and open (without the checks shaped dough on top. I usually made my crust quite thick so there was no left for it, or I made apple crumble pie -appel kruimeltaart- with what I got. So no checks on my pie) Oh, and I loved using cookiespices in my dough. It looked, smelled and tasted great. It could be a good thing handing de Boed an appeltaart my style the old fashioned way. But apples are expensive. Back in the days they where affordable. So I remember making it a lot when I was younger. 

It's something bad, not being able to invite family for appeltaart when I made it. I love the cozy feeling it brings up in my mind when I think off my sunday afternoon appeltaart with family. My parents, grandparents, aunt and brothers. Sometimes it's hard to have everything so nicely togheter without realizing what you got in a certain period off time. Looking back on it, I think the memory will be even more precious over time. Life has fallen apart since that period. It has been hard for me but it's getting finally a bit better these weeks.  It's not truly 'good' yet, but it's climbing insteaf off falling down. I hope I will have these periods off luck more often from now on. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 25th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

The weather today is cold, cloudy and grey. 

*

I shoot into a depression because off it. It's such depressing weather for May. I need my tea this evening. 

Today was for classic 'Groentesoep.' (Vegetable soup translated) with chicken meatballs and alphabet vermicelli for Wednesday Soup. It was received incredibly well by the lunchcrowd at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. It was praised all the time. And I got compliments over my hair. It was a good idea to dye and blowdry yesterday. 

I felt sick this afternoon after lunch. I couldn't help our trainee with her task due to feeling so bad. I had to take a rest at home all afternoon untill it faded by dinner time. Sometimes I think I'm stronger than I actually turn out to be. 'Just leave it to me, I'll do it.' often turns out into something bad when I think that too prone to myself. Both preparing excellent 'groentesoep.' and helping our trainee out didn't go well today. I felt so terrible and I was angry at myself this afternoon. I just sat on my couch staring at construction work from out my window and I didn't even make myself tea. I felt upset at myself for turning sick. (Sometimes I'm a perfectionist with little pity for herself.) I had the luck it faded by dinner time. Even I can't be superwoman all the time. I'm just human, after all.  

Day 10 off No-Spend-Month went well. I haven't spend money on extra's today. I'm going to be proud off myself once I finish this well. I made soup this morning and had lunch, then went home to let an attack off sickness fade. Instead off making money, I even obtained something by winning de Boed's Wednesday Puzzle morning. It's easy as cake but the other participants had more off a hard time getting each round so I easily won. I picked a Toblerone chocolate bar. (I had a break during soup making, so I could participate in that. Vegetable soup needs to brothle for an hour if you wish to prepare it right. During that hour I won the game) It wasn't such a bad morning but I had shivers all over when all off it was done. 

Next week I'm going to try better with our trainee. I love helping her out since I know what it's like to be a trainee who needs to get her points. (But it's harder than I thought it would be.) 

'Starlight.' Is my superhero nickname. It stands for standing up for yourself and performing excellent deeds in daily life. At least I have good hair these weeks so I can live up to that more. (A superhero is supposed to have good hair.) 'Starlight.' is not a bad thing. Doing all the good stuff it helps to think off myself as 'Starlight.' And act. Making soup, winning puzzle mornings and helping trainees (Or planning to) is part off that. People underestimate me and they better shouldn't do that. Starlight is a good thing. (Think: Magical Girls from manga and anime. I have grown beyond the age off a magical girl, but still I wish to be and act like a daily life superhero.) 

If only I could survive the weather. It's rainy and cold and January rather looks like this. This evening is for Clipper detox tea and Toblerone chocolate. It's forecasted to be bad weather all week. I'm hoping to learn how to handle it. (Hopefully there is a way, and I like to share that with you as soon as I find it.) 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

      

Good evening at the 24th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening ended bright and blue outside. Tomorrow it's predicted to become cold. But I have a hint off sunshine in my heart this evening. 

*

I need to blow off some steam before I go to bed, otherwise I can't sleep tonight. 

First off all, the spaghetti and meatballs was a great succes and my evening was already good because off it. They did their best to prepare it and people loved their spaghetti. We weren't dining in a low profile community centre, but at an Italian restaurant. That's how it felt. It was a good idea and I told the cook I wanted to eat it at August 5, when it's my birthday. (We're allowed to do requests for our birthday.) It was that much off a good idea. Good food can make my evening. 

Second off all, I dyed my hair this evening for the first time in almost a year and it looks so much better than my natural colour. It's so much improved (And I bought this colour a few weeks ago. It was 'on the shelves.' and not purchased as a luxury) and I feel so good about it. It made my evening even better than the spaghetti with meatballs already did. My hair is cut and dyed for the next period. I hope my hairdresser won't be angry at me since she didn't get to dye it. But the result is fabulous and worthit if she complains. I had a sentence in my head saying 'You look like a billion dollars with your hair dyed.' 

Today was a good day. This evening was even better. Tomorrow will be for soup. For a day in the week, all off this is not bad. Life is good this evening. 

I decided to keep on dying my hair in winter, since it made me feel so incredibly good, I'm going to need this every now and then. (I haven't dyed in a long time. I forgot how it feels) 

It's great my depression is fading and the bright light that comes in makes me do things that are good for myself again. I blow dryed to get even more off a result, and if I hadn't done all off this myself I would probably really look like a billion dollars. Fighting depression and doing good things really pays off. It works out well for me. The tide is turning. 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading.