Good afternoon everyone,
The weather is cold and cloudy. Not much for a day in May.
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Day 12 off No-Spend-Month goes well. I haven't spend money on unnecessairy items so far. It hasn't been a bad idea to take part in No-Spend-Month. Most people I talk to about it think it's a good idea off me to do such a challenge. They support me in it.
Today was for coffee and sleeping in a bit after taking my morning medication. Most off the time I can't sleep anymore after morning medication but laying in bed was relaxed for this morning after a night off bad sleep.
I'm overthinking wheter to buy hazelnuts for cookie baking or not. It would be the dot to the i in my next baking project next week when I feel like it, but they're expensive and hazelnuts for that purpose could count as a luxury. Now there's flour on the shelves again in supermarkets, I wish to make it my mission again to make people forget the crisis and help them through with excellent bakings. A hazelnut situated in a cookie would give it just that little extra so it could pass for that. I just have to see how expensive the groceries turn out. Strictly seen it's food and that's a necessity. But hazelnuts for cookie baking are not. Trading one mission for the other? I think I will buy those hazelnuts. If they don't drive up the price for my regulair groceries too much, I'm going to make that offer next week. (Otherwise people have to live with cookies without a hazelnut. I just hope I can deal with it myself if my project doesn't turn out to be as close to perfect as I can get. The perfectionist in me complains.) I wish to make those cookies for a reason.
10 years ago I made something similair as what I got in mind during my first episode off psychosis. (Even when I'm mad as a doorknob I bake.) That version didn't have a hazelnut but they where nevertless good. Why am I to celebrate such an incident? The 10th year after such an episode with a creative outcome took place? For god sake, no. I like to re-do them since I obtained a cookiecutter yesterday I used for that first version, and now I want to do them again but then a bit more fancy for de Boed. It's as if I am celebrating that incident. Is that common sense? Maybe it's a way to deal with it. Psychosis cookies. Delusion cookies. (Probably those cookies are confused as heck themselves.) Maybe it's a good thing to give the idea for those cookies another purpose at de Boed so I can let go off it. (Or bake them over and over if people like them.) That would give the whole thing something good. Turn something bad into something good. That is a good idea. I just wish to place a hazelnut in the centre this time to really make them special. (And brushing some eggwash over them.)
It's been 10 years since that first episode. 15 May 2012 I was found by classmates (in their pretty far away city) confused and lost in my mind after to have been out for a night with delusions in my head. Maybe that's the reason why I have been doing bad this week. 10 awfull years. I'm still not doing well, but I'm fighting it. Really, an anniversary cookie to celebrate all that? I'm not right in my head to do so. It's not much off a festive year. Except that I'm turning 30 this year. Two weeks after my birthday 10 years ago my dad died. Or maybe I should turn something bad into something good for the greater good. Still I should talk it over with health care.
Maybe I can laugh about it rather than to be upset when it turns out good. I hope it makes me laugh and let go. It's not easy. I could also let go off it and not bake them at all. (And be less hard on myself.) That's what most people would do. Not buying hazelnuts to begin with to solve these kind off things. I'm starting to feel bad about the project when I overlook what I've just written above. It could feel like scratching open a wound if I would make them and that's not the intention. It's rare for me to feel such a strong emotion at all. And I feel ashamed when I look at it in my memory. I've been 10 years on medication, for example. That's not a reason for a festive cookie. I think I won't bake it if it makes me feel this way. End off discussion, thoze hazelnuts will not be bought.
Allright, that's about it for now-
Thank you for reading.
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