Good evening everyone,
Today was almost entirely cloudy untill just near the end, where the sun showed up.
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My cakes where one big succes and where well received by the audience to de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. A thought that got through my head while we had it: at least I can make them enjoy a slice off cake from time to time, and that is worthit something. I got quite positive in that state off mind about it instead off sarcastic and that's a better spirit than downgrading myself.
The renovation already got a delay. The windowframes that will replace the old ones are not suitable since they are too small. They found out yesterday and have to order completely new windowframes to do the job. Though they already started in my small flat by cleaning out an air vent space in the kitchen so they could get to that space and laying white plastic floor covers on my floor for some reason, and by removing my central heating from the walls. (That will be replaced, too). It's quite something.
Due to the delay my Mother's day will be a week later since I made an agreement with my family on staying there as long as the renovation in my own home took place and Leviaan would take care off everything. Going there twice next week is not handy for me. (It's what feels best with them. So it was fine with me) I have to cope a whole weekend with a house that's one chaos, a delayed mother's day, and care staff being spare. Oh, and no central heating so it will probably be cold. Internet was down at the beginning off this evening but that was due to the network and it's helped. A weekend without internet would have been even more off a disaster to me. I need the internet.
It's been buisy this week, but I feel the thrill off more energy. That's probably due to vitamins. It's been a good idea to take them after all. They needed a bit more time to work in. I feel better capable to stand situations which otherwise would drain me from a lot off energy.
For example, I have been the coffee lady this morning to the early crowd who got out off bed due to renovation noise. They asked me to help since they where buisy and I managed quite well without having no energy to serve everyone their coffee. It's something that early in the morning since I hate getting up early. It was quite something for a buisy thursday morning. I have been at de Boed all day without breaks but I got all kinds off good compliments about myself over soup that was left over from yesterday, singing for them during music and then my scrumptious cake. I shouldn't feel so down about myself. If I keep on doing my best every day like that I'm a (very) good person and that should define my own thoughts about myself. I still have this feeling off shame and guilt about a few years ago where I should make up for it in life somehow. (Not to those who where involved back then, but with life in general. I have a dirty secret nobody here knows about) I do my utmost best to be a good person again and I work hard for it. When will I see it's enough? It's fun though, but I shouldn't let feeling secure being bothered by the past if I keep doing the way I do nowadays. I'm on the good path. It's good to have been given a fair chance to proove myself to new people. It wouldn't have been possible with people who already thought so incredibly lame about me I couldn't do good in their eyes anymore. I deserve a fair chance to proove myself. I'm not done with it yet as I sense it, but I'm doing good so I'm a good person again.
Nevertless, doing good feels good. And there are no itches between me and other people here. I think I can keep up with this for a long time as long as the good energy keeps coming. Compliments, people loving my soup and bakings, (Their enjoying is my biggest reward) a reputation to be proud off and feeling better about myself than before all off this. I deserve it. And I need it. I think this won't do bad to them or me, so it's not a bad thing doing all off this.
Back then, the road to hell was paved with good intentions. Nowadays, my intentions seem to work and if it turns out there is one almighty patriarchal god up there, I think he will forgive me for being otherly spiritual if I keep on doing what I do in life. A thought I have sometimes: I think god will forgive me for being pagan if he excists since I'm a pure person when it comes to christian terms. I think purity is a theme in most main religions. Buddhism, the one philosophy I love most, also believes in it but with them it's such a remarkable art, I think I could master that better. (Buddhism makes my soul the most happy off all wisdoms and religions out there, and eastern philosophy does so well for my soul it connects.) Purity is something good. I think we should be free to live, but not to all limits and borders off humanity. Because it's possible doesn't mean it has to be done. Crime is crime and to be honest, being too pure isn't a good thing either since people are human. But a bit off universal goodness is never a bad thing. More people should try it. I think it can be a blessing for the earth if we where all beings with purity in our hearts, good intentions and actions that are helpfull to our community. But that's my opinion.
I should get off my pink cloud since it's 2022 and people are batshit crazy when it comes to it. Because I think it should be like that, doesn't mean I believe it actually is like that, unfortunately. I've learned to know mankind better over the years. Not everyone wishes to walk a good path. I do. I try it every day and it works well for me.
I gained energy from all off it today. So doing good causes something in humans. It does so well to me and it's the best I can do during the week. It's good for me and it feels so rewarding in my mental system to do this. I'm not ready to quit as it's better than a daytime job to my heart and soul. I can't explain to sarcastic people who turn down things like this. But that's their problem. Not mine.
The cake and the soup where good, I sang all stars from heaven and people where content with me being the coffee lady this morning. I did all off this without getting exhausted and that should make it to the news somehow.
Allright, that's about it for now -
Thank you for reading.
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