Good morning at the 27th off May, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

Yesterday started with coffee in the sun at de Boed,  community centre in Zaandijk. But it ended quite cloudy. 

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I can't sleep tonight and I have been doing bad almost all week. From monday on. Yesterday half way morning it faded and I decided to go to my parental home for the weekend, which I cancelled at first. I made it here by train. I'm still not doing great and I can't sleep this night. I have a hard week. It was a good idea to get here, though. I love my parental home and being here feels good. Despite feeling mentally lame with those attacks (Or is it one big one?) inside my head. 

Yesterday was for a scrumptious barbecue for dinner over here. My brother does well in barbecueing. 

Day 11 off No-Spend-Month went well, I just had to charge my travelling card so I could get here. But you could count that as a necessity. And I didn't enlarge its charge with a lot off money. So I think it's not bad. Despite not spending, I had a good ascencion day lunch at de Boed (They made a fancy hamburger and we had some off my soup left) and a scrumptious barbecue yesterday. It wasn't so bad spending little money. 

My mom came up with a few baking items she had still in her cupboard which where mine before I left this home. It feels good to work with that nostalgia. I love to have gotten all those baking tins and cookiecutters she had left. 

You know what pure nostalgia is for me? Square applepie. (Or Dutch appeltaart. it's a big diffrence in baking methods.) there was a time when square baking tins and springforms where in fashion and my dad had us three springforms in diffrent sizes and we made a lot off them. They don't have those anymore and mom doesn't has them either. They are gone lost in time. luckily I have a medium sized one in my home and I have made one already. (It should be bigger, or de Boed doesn't has enough if I make it in that.) It felt so good. If I ever come across a square springform that's quite big, it's mine. 

By the age off 17 I made pretty good 'appeltaart.' I have a picky aunt and grandmother from mother's side, but when they came over for coffee and we had my 'appeltaart.' They loved it. And so did grandpa. He was an incredibly picky eater, but my appeltaart was perfect. 

There's nothing fancy or pretentious about my appeltaart, it's just that I love it square and open (without the checks shaped dough on top. I usually made my crust quite thick so there was no left for it, or I made apple crumble pie -appel kruimeltaart- with what I got. So no checks on my pie) Oh, and I loved using cookiespices in my dough. It looked, smelled and tasted great. It could be a good thing handing de Boed an appeltaart my style the old fashioned way. But apples are expensive. Back in the days they where affordable. So I remember making it a lot when I was younger. 

It's something bad, not being able to invite family for appeltaart when I made it. I love the cozy feeling it brings up in my mind when I think off my sunday afternoon appeltaart with family. My parents, grandparents, aunt and brothers. Sometimes it's hard to have everything so nicely togheter without realizing what you got in a certain period off time. Looking back on it, I think the memory will be even more precious over time. Life has fallen apart since that period. It has been hard for me but it's getting finally a bit better these weeks.  It's not truly 'good' yet, but it's climbing insteaf off falling down. I hope I will have these periods off luck more often from now on. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.