Mourning feels like it's over - as far as that goes.

 Good evening everyone, 

The sky is clear, the evening is cold. It's time for some silly story untold. 

*

I had a long period off time, starting around 2018, where I was in mourning over things that happened in life and life in general. I somehow feel a bit better now. I don't know why. Probably something inside has caught up on me living a peacefull life in a safe home without a lot off trouble and finally understood it was done with all nastyness from behind years. It took me 4 years. 4 long years off getting over with that grief. I mourned and felt sad in general. 

It's clearing up inside my head when it comes to sad feelings. I have grown about 30 kilograms these years from both medication and loving to eat. Combined with depression (Food soothes.) it worked lame on my figure. 

I'm becomming vain again, or more to say: aware that I would like my face to be groomed and my body to be clean. It doesn't require make-up at all, but a face that's no longer at half point seven before I go out the door, and cleanliness is next to godliness- I believe in it again. I wish for something I don't have to be ashamed off and can show up with in public. Depression made me ignore hygiene but I wish to look and feel clean and taken care off again. I'm not going to make it a lifestyle to be unwashed. 

Today I helped with the dessert at dinner time at de Boed. They are no longer allowed to give us anything but yoghurt and fruit for dessert. It's up to them how to fill that in. I helped the person who made dessert by preparing applepie filling without sugar but sweetened with honey. It was a good dessert combined with yoghurt and as far as this goes, it requests more creativity from staff to make fruit and yoghurt a good match than 'vla.' or pre packed ice cream cones.. We had someone giving us Greek yoghurt with honey and walnuts for dessert- A beloved classic. I was a bit weary off the idea, but now I'm rather fond off the way people fill it in. Healthy yet tasty, I'm pro now. Today I baked them apples brought to taste with spices and honey in the oven and let them serve it with yoghurt for sunday dessert. (No sugar adjusted.) The entire building smelled amazing and it was a good idea. 

I have plans for a next 'level up.' But that probably requires expensive fruits I can make some sort off mosaic from. I've seen that idea somewhere: A woman cutting two shades off dragonfruit, mango and kiwi in almost cut teal like shards and dolling up tarts with it as if it where a mosaic. We could do something alike with our desserts. But as far as expensive goes- I just can think off 'peaches.' But I suppose they're out off season in October. 

Maybe baked plums out off the oven, or fruits brought to a point where they reveal juices to mix with the yoghurt when adjusted to a bowl would be a good idea. Stewed pears would be magical, but they're eaten here as a part off the main dish at times. I wonder if I'm allowed granola or muesli and build up a see through cup with layers off fruit, yoghurt and muesli for the idea off a parfait. So far, fresh peaches with a squeeze off honey would be perfect and to my personal taste. But I have to work with what's on hand now. I have the feeling yoghurt with fruit does well to everyone on diffrent levels, and is much better than ice cream cones all the time.  

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 24th off October, 2021.

Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny yet cold and it wasn't such a bad day for a Sunday in Autumn. 

*

I coloured an image from a colouring book for adults some weeks ago, and today it's time to show it to the world: 

It's something I found at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk among their colouring books, and I coloured it in with their pencils. Sometimes talent/ skills don't need expensive materials to work out well. I colour with what I can find at de Boed most off the time. I think it looks bright, lively and it has it's way with depth I always adjust to images like this. It's a fun way to spend an afternoon, and it helps while you have to deal with issues in psychiatric health. Like I have explained before. Mandala's and colouring books are everywhere at those places. They like to keep you buisy / set off your mind that way. Somehow it works, and along the way I became a bit more skilled in coulouring. (I'm in psychiatric health for 10 years next year.) I wrote my name on it so the image in that public colouring book was obviously mine and people understood I wanted to come back to it later. It's not very sensible to do so, but my work survived and I finished it. 

I finished another work lately but that became runny (I used markers on it) since I spilled water on it. I'm not content with it either so I probably won't show you. It's been a pity waste to have been onto that. 

Today was for walnut-coffee cake with the right amount off coffee in it, and not spoiled on the floor like with the previous one. I handed it out to de Boed and people loved it during coffee time. They always ask me to publish a cookbook, but I'd probably get in trouble with copyright for that. I just have my receipes from cookbooks and authors I don't want to fight with. I mainly don't come up with them myself, I only practice them pretty well most off the time. I don't have a picture off it, because it looked like my first attempt. I even served it on the same plate. It just tasted a bit more moist and coffee-like.

 Like this. 

My receipe comes from the book Masterclass Cakes- Rutger van den Broek  

(In Dutch only)

I should hand them (Those who request all the time) out where to find my receipes. I don't want to get in trouble for stealing. 

Tomorrow is for grocery shopping. This week will be Halloween. It's not something old fashioned old people who are easily set off are fond off, so de Boed will probably let it pass in silence. It's never been a thing in the Netherlands untill recently. I wish to take note off it, however- I would like to bake something Halloween like and dress up as a pretty looking Witch for that day. I don't know how the others will react and I have to dig up my costume from moving boxes. I talked it over with staff and they thought it was fine with them to do something for Halloween so I moved some off the younger staff to do something with it.. I'm singing 'Halloween Halloween Halloween ween ween Halloween ween ween Halloween ween ween.' out loud in my own home all the time, and I feel like I want to do something with it. (To be continued.)   

Mentally I could do better. I have side delusions most off the time in the evening just before medication and they often find me a bit on the mad side at the medication office. I believe I have a bit off a hand on myself as long as I notice. But it's hard and being tired makes it even harder to keep a hand on myself when it comes to mental problems. It's more easy to loose grip. I decided to take a whole Lorazepame again instead off skipping a half and trying to build off medication. It doesn't work for me to stay stable without medication these days. I don't know what my problem is. Maybe I'm just doing hard 'just because' these days. I have no clear reason for it. Life in autumn is cold and tiresome. It's nice and cozy but people's system have to work harder these months to keep on track. And then there is that stupid nasty feeling in my head which sometimes comes up and makes me dizzy with madness and then fades. 'something.' doesn't work well and it's hard to explain. (To staff. It's hard explaining them what exactly my problem is but it's a feeling inside my head close to some sort off a cramp.) I've had this for years and it's not easy living with it. I wish to grow at least 90 years off age, but sometimes it feels so hard I doubt I might live the next morning. It's hard to believe I might grow even 50 with it but I don't want to insist on scary things like that to my readers in every post as that is not nice to be pointed at all the time. I want to grow old, don't understand me wrong. My quality off life is still very good despite having this issue. It's still fun to be around. It's just not easy. It's probably uneasy to hear me complaining about this all the time but I have no other way to describe it: 'Hard in my head and it feels like I'm going to die.' 

Tomorrow might be for more content, 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

 

I may seem lucky, but I have to suffer each day

 Good evening everyone, 

Autumn and cold are a fact these days in the Netherlands, it's just that I hope there will be snow this year. Not for too long, but a small blizzard here and there won't be a bad thing in January or February. It makes being in your home a cozy thing. 

*

The market for homes for starters is overflowing with people who can't have a starter home, and even more so- with refugees who are fled from a war country and now are begging for us to take them in. And here I am, fat, handicapped, unemployed me who has a small flat and all basic needs in order. It might seem unfair to you and even jealouse making- but I suffer from Schizophrenia and this is protected living, both for my own good and for those in the outside world I don't want to hurt. Hell breaks loose if I have to live life all by myself and I just can't do it. I take heavy medicines and if I'm not a drugged zombie, I'm an agressive werewolf out off controll so for safety sake I have to be here. 

Who could have expected that our modern world would ever go this insane? My standard off living, Jealouse making towards others? Mother off God, You won't believe it. Sick as a dog, poor and filthy, on an income that doesn't fluctuates with the market. If the market for homes ever gets better, you might look at yourselves and think: 'Have I been jealouse off this all the time?' And your life will probably be a thousand times better than mine, income, living, family, friends and relationships, property- everything. And I will still be the poor idiot I've always been. So don't be jealouse but strengthen your back. I'm not how you want it to be after all. That's not realistic. The market for homes is not realistic and it changes by periods off time. 

It's hard but I still believe someone who has to spend their lives with their parents untill 50 is better off than me. I suffer each evening during dinner time with fellow clients from their fights and bad foods. I have to live carefully each day and I keep distance from potential friends and love to keep myself and them from getting hurt. I have my freedom and my own place, but I have to bleed for it on another level. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 20th off October, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold, gloomy and cloudy and it's a thing to notice that it's still officially Autumn in the Netherlands. The only diffrence with summer is the temperatures. Aside from rainy it happens to be cold. 

*

I have to take half a Lorazepame extra each evening to keep myself from getting out off my mind. I felt too unstable to continue medication enlowering. My face and body look somewhat blown up because it's fattening and makes you look like you have no emotions at all, but everything is better than to continue the way it was previous time. With a little luck and green tea I try to re-liven my face. Sometimes it's all liquid that piles up in your body thanks to anti-psychoticums. I bet I won't get rid off my troubles, though. It's a good idea to stay hydrated and keep body fluids flowing, however. But this may sound a bit gross to some. 

I think somewhere I stopped to care- about my face, my skincare, my hair, I don't do much anymore to keep myself looking - acceptable.-  except from basic hygiene and the most necessairy. I'm lucky we have a volunteer beauty expert at de Boed who cuts my hair, but the way I take care off it - doesn't help making me pretty on a daily base. I only wash and brush. It's a bit shamefull to rant about this. The good news I can share with you all out there, is that I've taken interest in bold coloured, nice looking socks. Happy Socks from the nation's cheapest provider in all kinds off textiles but I. Love. Them. 

If a forum requests 'what kind off socks do you wear?' I won't answer with the standard cliché off 'plain black socks.' No Mister. I wear my socks pretty and loud. It was one off the standard cliché questions on plenty off Fantasy Internet Fora back in the day. 'What colour are your socks?' Maybe I'm this fanatic about it because off that. The bolder and the prettier printed the better. Today is for blue socks with festive dots in diffrent colours, and lighter blue coloured toes and heels. Oh woe the witch that dares to destruct my Happy Socks. Happy Socks, Happy Feet- Socks are a relief to cold feet in autumn and winter. (Available at Zeeman.) 

So, I look a bit ungroomed, except for my nice socks. I'm comming to think off the song 'Don't step on my Blue Suede Shoes.' By Elvis because off them. I wear my socks in basic black walking shoes, suitable for any occasion and long walks. 

So, I wear fancy socks and I drink pretty expensive green tea a lot. I'm also still a soup chef every week. Today's Wednesday Soup was for Tomato Soup with meatballs from cookbook 'de Soepbijbel' (The Soup Bible) which turned out looking more orange than a nice tomato shade off red. But nevertless got appreciated by my audience. I roasted my tomatoes before adjusting them. That's the big high point off today. Preparing soup took a lot off energy so I took my rest for the rest off the day. I changed my shirt after soup making and then laid on my bed the rest off the day untill dinner. I have little energy due to medication.   

Life is hard. It gets by a bit boring but to keep on track without falling is a challenge on it's own. 

I lack inspiration for more news on this weblog, so that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.        

I should re-open my small home restaurant.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's getting windy. Aside from grey and cloudy outside, now branches are swinging in the wind.  

*

Corona seems to be somewhat handled by most governments. I wonder if I have to ask for a QR code when I'm about to ask guests for a small dinner party in my house at my table. I'm good at cooking and making desserts. I think it would be a waste not to use those capabilities and not asking fellow clients and health care staff for dinner every now and then. I think that is a perfect idea to keep me buisy with my favourite hobby and to have something on hand. I have a cozy dining table which wouldn't do bad in a small etablishment and I have capabilities to cook perfect for others. It's just mainly money and grocery shops being so far off that keeps me from doing all that for them. I think it's not a bad idea, though.  I have the capability to make my small home feel like a small restaurant when I'm onto it. 

I also have the inspiration to bring my baking to a next level: Holiday baking. It's a good idea to start learn techniques for holidays and use that to improve my usuall skills. I never thought off baking for holidays, only for the seasons and not even that since a lot off what I bake tastes year round like autumn spices since I use that a lot in my banana cake. My banana cake is famous among people at de Boed. 

Ideas are nice. Bringing them in motion is going to take feeling good again and that is going to be the main challenge this month. I wish feeling depressed actually did get off by eating sweet food rich in calories- but usually that doesn't when you're used to feeling bad and snacking on sweet stuff. Then it's no medicine anymore and then it worsens things since you start to feel guilty if you keep on doing so. I should get over with protected living first before I see myself getting motivated for things again. 

Christmas is not a bad season to start holiday baking and it's only two months ahead. I should give it a try and see where it gets me.   

Good afternoon at the 17th off October, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cloudy and grey but there is no rain so far. 

*

Today is my youngest brother's birthday. I got him some Star Wars merchandise and I have the idea it's well received. Two mandalorian mugs and a doormat with Darth Vader on it. 

This was a good weekend. Much better than when I would have been at home, being bored all the time and surrounded by other clients who are often easily set up. This place does better to me, but I can't burden my family with my disease no matter how badly I'd wanted to. I don't like living in a care home.  

Tomorrow, ordinairy life begins again. I'm forced to go grocery shopping with a care taker who isn't mild on us and who hurries us through the grocery store each time like crazy. I wish I had more choice in shops and time on my hands to decide about it myself and do as I please with grocery shopping. It's just that I'm dependent on them. If they wouldn't take me with, I wouldn't go grocery shopping at all since my location in Zaandijk is far off most shops. It's beautifull, it's touristic and pittoresque, but not practicall. 

I should have never started 'protected living.' in the Zaan area. I should have choosen diffrently from the moment they forced me to. I'm not happy with life but I had no choice. It's a combination off things that makes I'm not happy with it.

I wish I had more options and more chances in daily life as this is not easy. I feel locked up somehow.   

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 16th off October, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and it held a promiss off rain, but there was no rain where I was. 

*

Today was for shopping in Alkmaar. With my mom and my oldest brother. I purchased a table cloth, some cookie cutters, a cookbook about holiday baking, two mascara's on a discount, walnuts and a lot off incense sticks. 

It's been a while since I went to Alkmaar, and went fun shopping so today was a good day for me. It didn't feel hard on me to be on my legs all day. I hope this weekend did well for me, but as far as this goes- it went well. 

I miss Alkmaar when I'm in Zaanstad, I have been to school in Alkmaar and it's shopping area looks like a fairytale compared to where I live now. You can't have everything when you're actually after a place for health care, but the Zaan area lacks soul compared to that and is only fun if you are into old industry places. I have had that issue ever since living there and being onto my personal business in mental health care. I often feel a bit sad about the area where I live. It's hard to get back where I came from. I could tell health care staff about this issue but I don't know what they could actually do for me about that. 

If things would have turned out fine for me, I would have lived and worked in Alkmaar. I'm certain about that. Life would have been so incredibly diffrent for me. I could have worked my way up to the social ladder and I would have loved to have a good career as that was what I was studying for at school. 

I can say at least that people in the Zaan area are a bit nicer and more understanding compared to where I came from. But it's still a pain not to live where I intended to live. I wish to set my best foot forward, despite having trouble and life against me most off the time. 

When getting to the Zaan area, I had the feeling off starting a brand new life away from where I came from with empty pages to fill in. Not everything turned out to be as good as it might have been and I'm still struggling a lot off time, but what keeps me going is my intention to be off help to others. If I would do it purely for my personal cure and mental healing- I would have gone more insane, I can almost say that with certainty. It doesn't help to be in mental health care and most off it mainly sucks. To be honest with you. What does help, is motivation to wish to cook foods for other clients at other places and be helpfull to staff and others. By helping others you help yourself. (This ideal is somewhat taken from a buddhistic wisdom) 

A lot off people won't believe me as all they have seen online was a nasty side off me they couldn't get over with- but I consider them to be childish and stupid. Not me, I set my best foot forward each day and I fight like crazy for both my health and to be a good spirit to others. Those sour old witches (Both male and female) are not to be believed anymore if you ask me. There was no way it could be helped and set right, but it's not my fault and to be honest- it never has been. If they wish to stay stupid and nasty, their bad. Not mine.

You can lie to yourself and your minions 

You can claim that you haven't a qualm 

But you cannot run from nor hide from 

The eyes- The eyes off Notre Dame 

(-Disney's Hunchback off the Notre Dame) 

(Something in my head tells me 'You can.' And it points at Vana's management. Sometimes life is unfair and those off power who should act fair simply don't.) 

I came from a fairytale with high standards to help people who do less in life than me, and to become somewhat more 'healthy.' - as far as that goes. Lately I seem to have a bit more issues with the matter. I do hard getting out off bed in the morning and doing my daily tasks and I wonder what I'm doing it for. What keeps me going and why I shouldn't ask to be re-located to a place more close to my family. My strive is noble, but sometimes it seems like an endless fight and what for? Vana's appreciation? I don't think so anymore. I believe that's a prayer without end so I better don't strive for that. For a clean soul and the mercy off god? Well, that might work but I believe I don't have a bad soul to begin with. For appreciation off others? It works too. They like me. But it's sometimes such an endless fight to do that kind off good to others. I mainly keep my distance nowadays since I have my personal issues to fight with and I'm not such a good friend to others these days. I keep on making soup and baking every often, but that's because I like to do both. I'm not some sort off a psychologist at patient level and it's best not to try to. 

Maybe doing what I do is probably a bit too much for me to take, when having to take count with the surrounding where I live and circumstances that happen a lot there- death people, crime in my surrounding, harsh care takers, daily happenings in psychiatric health, it's never normal or even close to acceptable where I live. I'm not educated to take all off this insanity upon me. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.         

Good evening at the 15th off October, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a beautifull day for an Autumn day. 

*

Dear you, 

I never expected it too 

Though I may look like a fool 

I mean it heartfull and cool 

I believe I fell in love with you- 

How in the world would that even do? 

In a world which seperates us each day more 

I can finally say- I don't love you anymore 

It's almost fine with me but the spot is still sore 

I'm the one who has opened the door 

I can finally say- I've proven not to be a whore 

I didn't steal you, but thank you therefore 

One persons nightmare is one person's dream 

One another isn't always what it seems 

Love and lust as sweet as a pea 

I can say it wasn't you- it was me 

But here we are, my dark prince charming 

Symptoms to a mental disease so alarming 

I can't help but saying it's over and alright 

I hope my interest in you and my dreams won't make you fight. 

A kiss off goodbye, A spark became light 

I hope this will do, My dark handsome knight 

I wish you all luck, and therefore  - Good night.  

Your admireress, 

Me. 

Vegetable Soup according to me.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a bright day in Autumn. It was pretty cold but there was no rain outside. Fall promises to become a beautifull season, contrary to Summer and Spring. 

*

My computer still isn't declared safe enough to blog at home. I'm at my parents' house so I believe I can blog for this weekend. 

This week was for perfect 'Groentesoep.' (Translated it means 'vegetable soup.' But when you say this to someone here they know you mean a certain soup prepared according to a Dutch classic receipe. My version contains a lot off herbs and alphabet vermicelli and maybe a hint off extra garlic.) People loved it and it was appreciated big time. Groentesoep is an instant classic succes on a place like 'de Boed.'  

How to prepare my version off Dutch 'Groentesoep.': 

Needed: 

3 / 4  litres off chicken broth from about 6 to 7 cubes or 8 to 9 cubes if you take 4 litres. It's about 1 cube for half a litre and a little extra for more taste. 

A hint off olive oil 

Sellery salt (1 Teaspoon) 

dried Laurel powder (1 teaspoon)

dried Dragon (1 teaspoon)  

1 leave off fresh laurel 

Fresh Thymian  

Oregano (1 teaspoon)  

Salt from a grinder 

Pepper from a grinder  

6 cloves off fresh garlic 

5 medium to big onions 

2 to 3 bags off Soup Vegetables (These come in pre cut amounts in packages and contain a lot off vegetables like leek, culiflower and carots.) 

5 potatoes 

A good amount off soup balls, or make your own meatballs for soup. In my version, this simply requires beef minced meat, pepper and salt and a hint off nutmeg.   

Alphabet Vermicelli (A whole package) 

Preparation:

1. Prepare the garlic with a garlic press, adjust with olive oil and Sellery salt, ordinairy salt and pepper, Dragon, Laurel Powder and oregano to the soup pot. Peel and cut your onions in small pieces and adjust. simmer until soft and fragrance comes from the pot. Then add chicken broth and the Laurel leave and the fresh Thymian. Re-adjust salt and pepper. Taste your broth. If it needs something extra to your personal taste- do so. This is my version for this week, but you can decide to add diffrent herbs.  

2. Peel and cut your potatoes in small pieces. Adjust soup vegetables and the potatoes and bring to a soft brothle. Let brothle for at least three quarters off an hour to one hour. This enhances the taste off everything and it's a kick when everything ends up perfect to taste and hearthy and blends up togheter nice for a cold autumn day. Taste to be certain it's all well and salty enough to your taste. 

3. Adjust soup balls and Alphabet Vermicelli and let brothle untill it's all done. In a large soup pot, this took me half an hour and be sure your soup balls are well done and your vermicelli is soft, and your vegetables and potatoes should be soft.

Bon Apètite!  

Officially, this takes a soup bone being brought to broth for almost a day, and traditionally it should be made off beef broth. But I decided to replace that with chicken broth from cubes. This week, de Boed had me pre made soup balls I didn't have to make myself. (Lucky me. They where good in taste, however) Often I ask to make vegetable soup at weeks where I want to keep it simple to keep myself from having a hard time with Wednesday Soup. At weeks where you know ahead when too much off a thing will be too much, but where you also have to be certain your work will be a succes. That's when I do this soup. Sometimes I also request this at weeks where I can't make soup myself - since mainly everyone knows how to make vegetable soup, though others might make it diffrent. (I was well enough to be at it, but I felt off last week so I had a bad week in mind but I felt well) This week things where without trouble and stress and no complaints about it. 

I'm going to keep it at this, just a receipe for good old Vegetable Soup and I might inform you later on about what's been going on. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Hector het Lieveheersbeestje (Hector the Ladybug) has cheated on me. NOOOOES!

 Good evening everyone, 

Today went by almost fine. I fixed a pot off sweet potato soup for my family today. It wasn't a spectaculair day, but it went by better than most off my days in psychiatric health. It wasn't rainy and it was nice outside. I decided to stay in all day, however. 

*

Hector the ladybug and his side fantasies are often about a handsome young man with black hair and a wise and loving attitude who is my sidekick and who helps me throughout my delusions. 

Something is off about it. He told me he is sick off waiting for me and he cheated or has almost done that. That's the worst someone can do to me. I'm getting into a state you'd not do to your worst enemie. Let alone someone you love in psychiatric health care. Some days ago, Hector told me he would leave in one off my dreams. He has been shagging someone else according to what he says and I think it's better over between us, though some part off me doesn't want to believe it yet. This is a perfect soil for delusions. 

Hector helped me an incredible lot when I got sick off mister X breaking my hart, he has has left me for someone else either. Hector helped me through hard winters and around the period where I moved houses a few times the previous years. He is so damn cute I'd wish he was real. I don't want all imaginative guys who somewhat look like that to turn out to be just one guy who has been banging someone else. I can't take cheating that well. It makes me mentally sick and violent beyond levels off acceptable. I try never to act out off it. I keep myself from violent acts when feeling so upset. I don't know if I'm a potential danger. I never show any off it to care takers but they are aware off it since I told them a few times I feel delusional because off heartbreak. I believe Hector and it's main energy isn't the love off my life, after all. It's not fair how things like this work. 

If you are a man who is truly into me, you would NEVER even begin to think about the matter of cheating with a mental woman like me. That's just setting up a fire with gasoline. Hector is imaginative. The imaginations off those handsome black haired men are either. I held on to something which turned into something bad afterward. But I have so little in life, a sweet imagination was all I had to help me cope. 

I'm not pointing at the man with the wine mark from Leiden who I never even expected to become so important. I keep my appropriate distance from him because off 'something.' telling me to do so. He is probably taken, and I don't want to get drowned in the web off alternative Leiden. I believed he was the love off my life but I got over with that. I don't even know his name or whereabouts. And maybe he is the source off all that imaginative handsomeness in my brain but I sense something has been going bad and now the energy in my head is onto someone else. NOOOOOOOES! It probably doesn't even excist and I think I should try to escape without trouble from the big strong man in Leiden when he finds out he is the source off a weird insisting weblog like this. I think I'm bringing it a bit too far this way. My luck is that nobody reads this weblog. I think he doesn't even remember me to excist on a daily base, and when he does he probably thinks off that evil brat who stared him down at an event the first time we met. That was NOT a good act off me. (That's what I remember about the first time I saw him. Doing something unpolite to him.) 

I should bring it back to my imagination. In three cases, he is skipping to someone else and I look in the mirror to myself and I just think 'No.' when I think or trying to imagine whetether I can attract a man or not. Some time before, I felt the answer was 'Yes. You could attract a man.' but it's broken somehow. 

I don't know who you are, or if you are even out there for real- but you build me up to break me down these days. That's not fair. How could you even do so? I loved you for years but you're getting away from me. That's not fair. What am I even pointing at? How are imaginative love interests even capable to cheat anyway? In what universe is that possible for someone who doesn't like that idea? Someone who is hyper sensitive for the idea? I should shut it off as soon as possible, - but it's hard. I have been friends and even love interests with that little buddy for years. Since when is it possible for imaginative people to cheat on you? Even my imagination doesn't stay true to me. 

Allright, that's about it for tonight. 

Thank you for reading.        

Make yourself believe you can make a diffrence.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's still cold but it's getting a bit more sunny outside. It's perfect for hot chocolate and a caramel treat off some sort. 

*

My last weblog was to make people think. I wish to make you realise it's never a good idea to overly idealise things you make or set up, but just proove yourself first and then talk realistic about a succes. Then you're not braggin- then you speak the truth which should mainly speak for itself. If you are good at something- perfect. If you are pretentious because you are probably insecure or something else is in the way- bad for you. Don't lie, don't act as if, don't feed your ego as all off this makes you less off a person. 

Simply find what you are good at, and don't over act on the matter. Simply take it down to things that are. Not to things that will never be. Realism keeps you grounded and relatable as a person. 

Sometimes it's hard to find the truth less nice than what you want it to be, but to solve the truth instead off walking away from it in make believe is a diffrent act. If you would solve things instead off being unhappy all the time, that's the way to go. Solve, and become a better person than you where before. Though that might sound hard. Solving life is a hard process. But fighting is better than to sit back and let it happen. 

I think a lot in this world would not be if people would let go off make believe and solve their lives first. If people where less pretentious- what perfect things would actually be. Then we could create a perfect excisting world. 

I don't like people who 'don't care.' about the world and who are as ignorant as a brick about everything. Or those who sky high make themselves unbelievable stupid with narcism and ego tripping. that's not a good thing either. Both are destructive for this planet. 

Speaking off which, I could set myself to being more green and care more for the planet myself. It's hard when you don't want to be cut off off personal comfort like I do, but it's nowadays perfectly possible to live eco friendly and on a good term with the climate. I have been taking this in consideration for some time but the road to it seems impossible if I have to pass it across de Boed, which is a pretty old fashioned place when it comes to that. I'm not really capable to keep it on my own yard either and just do myself what's needed as I need health care for a lot off things and I'm depended on de Boed and Leviaan for my life. I think it's best not to make promises about that since I have to keep promises when making them. I don't believe in half ass work when it comes to promisses. 

I shouldn't bug myself too much with it- promises on the environment and personal ways off taking that in count. I'm not capable, but I believe I have a few points: I don't have a car, I eat from a shared food table so that saves other people on cooking and on waste, I believe in cruelty free care products, I live sober and I'm not planning to have children. (Which saves a few unhappy people from the planet wasting and being unhealthy. My mental disease has a too big chance off being heired and I just can't do it so the answer is no to that.)   

I do have a lot off waste, however, and my electricity use is not low. Though I don't watch TV or listen actively to the radio. I have been planning to listen a bit more to it though since it's more nice to have sound surrounding you than to have a home as quiet as I have. Nothing comes from it actually, I have to put on the radio for example and I barely do that. I need my electricity and machines to feel nice in comfort in my home. I could keep it at this and see what the government comes up with when it comes to green electricity. Maybe in a few years it wouldn't matter to prefer working machines in your home. And warmth in winter is simply a must so I won't put off my heater at any costs. 

If it was up to me, I would eat less meat on a daily basis. I think that is perfectly possible and won't do bad to me. But then again, I'm depended on de Boed for dinner and they are NOT vegetarian, or green. And I'm NOT capable to manage my own household or groceries so far, so that won't happen in the long term, or the short term. I can think off perfect wholesome meals consisting no meat at all and being fun to cook for me and probably good for the planet. I could start with a few home dinners with neighbours and people I like to re-start a fun hobby off mine combined with something good. Cooking and entertaining people in my own home, yet being onto it more vegetarian. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.         

Good afternoon at the 9th off October, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cloudy and cold and I'm glad I took a sweater with me to my sleep over adress. I believe the entire winter might be cold and gloomy and that's how it's been all year this year. 

*

I believe I don't have much to share with you today. I don't do exciting weekends most off the time, usually I just do whatever I already do during week days, except on some weekends I visit my family - like this weekend. 

My mom requested me to print a few off my self written poems. As she is a fan off my poetry. I fixed a document for her on Google documents and printed a few off them. Some include my shady sense off humor. I have the idea some pagan mothers will cringe over it- but that's no news to me and they're uptight and petite minded as can be, luckily my mom isn't so prude and boring. She appreciated the ones I wrote lately and combined in that document. I have no ambition to become a serious poet. I just write to relief my day every now and then and I post some off them on a poem website sometimes but my work isn't populair. It's always good to have your mom as your biggest fan on these things. I believe I won't bring it any further than that. 

When I was younger, I had the secret ambition to become a writer off fantasy novells- when I was about 13. I haven't set the ambition in true motion and most off my works won't fly and if I would have been published- I might have had to sell it as children's books. Most off it is destroyed however, and my ambition to write fiction has never become something serious I can make a living off. The way some people look at me nowadays in that nasty scene tells me I don't even have to try, or I have to take it to a nickname they never expect to be me and lay most in my publisher's hands. I don't know why I came up with that. I have ideas, I just don't have capabilities to write and most fantasy books are not my style off writing. 

It's never a good idea to brag over things you don't have accomplished, or try to make yourself bigger than you are. Sometimes you are just simple old you and that's what you have to accept before you get into the outside world. It's not hard when you love yourself but don't expect too much from yourself to be something special. I can colour, I can cook wonderfull, I can bake old people happy- but I can't set up a good fantasy novell. I picked up the fun off writing recently, though. But it's extremely modest and nothing pretentious. Sometimes it's good to keep on seeing yourself in the right light. I don't do much on ego dwelling. I don't know if I want to make my stories part off a world I broke up with and which never appreciated me much. I don't want to have anything to do with them cold and uptight bitches and dorks who broke me down so many times.  

There are so many books out there already- why would mine be more special than any other story? realistic thinking sometimes isn't so bad.  I believe I better keep it to myself and keep it a realistic succes than to make it fly.

I just like to use my imagination a bit every often and write things. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.          

Good afternoon at the 8th off October, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's been misty this morning at this block but the day ended cold yet sunny. It's bright and blue outside but it's cold. No chances for summer weather anymore as far as I can see. 

*

Warning: A rant. 

My actions got blocked by medication when I'm having trouble with my brain. That's how anti-psychotics work. Today so far I have been moving myself from the dining table to the couch and from the couch to the computer. I had been intending to do more today, some groceries maybe- but I just couldn't do it somehow and it made me bail. I'm lucky my mom's husband will cook for us this evening. Today was a market in the centre off this town, I just- couldn't do it. I have been actively training my jaws by eating a package off cookies from IKEA's- I'll get in trouble when my family finds out I ate them. It's all I do when feeling like that: drinking large amounts off coffee and eating overly sugared foods leading to being even more obese but just- sitting in one place. It's a waste off my life if I do that. I understand somehow why I'm in a care home. 

I don't do much, I can't set myself to do much. Still- being here feels nice so even to sit on the couch all day and eating scrumptious cookies is fun and feels like a small vocation compared to where I live. It's light and the place is bigger and it's more green and a bit more wide outside. 

Maybe I just do that to regain energy from a heavy day to day life. Maybe I'm not lazy today. I just have to mention I took half a medication more than usuall since I need that to sleep well at night when I'm here. It's probably been medication then. I don't know if I could spend a month like this without getting into fights over doing nothing all day and just eating their foods. I could think pre to that and take my own snacks so it won't be a burden to them. I'm free to drink coffee since everyone usually drinks a lot off it here. 

I know the term 'Anthedonia.' Is a thing among psychiatric patients off all kinds and it names the state off being where you can't set yourself to things you wish to do. I have the idea it's also an issue in me somehow- wishing to do more than what I actually do. I missed an opportunity to visit a market! That's not to my liking. Well, at least I take that anthedonia thing with coffee and snacks, otherwise I wouldn't do anything in a day. It's not a good idea to do so, though. Antipsychoticums already are fattening enough as they are. It's a bad thing to enlarge that problem by taking snacks and coffee while you do nothing. When being here I realize why I'm a psychiatric patient. I haven't mentioned a delusion today but it wasn't an enriching 'take everything out off life while you can.' - kind off day. 

 I expect tomorrow not to be grandiose either. I don't know what I'm to do about it. If I knew I probably wouldn't live in a care home and wouldn't be so incredibly obese. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.        

Good evening at the 7th off October 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a bright and sunny day, especially for this period off time in a year which you can describe as rainy. 

*

I have an issue with my computer, with my head and with the bathroom light. 

My home computer isn't declared safe any longer by care-takers, I write you this on another computer. It has to do with virusscanners and the lack there off. I believe I could also write this on the wall off a building, and who knows it might have no readers either. It's about 3 to 4 years later since the first blog on this version off my weblog and no one reads, but I'm mad, bonkers, out off my mind- so who cares? Hallelujah! And now on with the show- 

I have issues with my virusscanner, a care taker who took a look at my computer a few days or even a week ago (I don't take good count off time these days, but even that doesn't truly matter to me. My life is still not so bad these days) declared I shouldn't be on it anymore since the virusscanner was expired but I'm not allowed by my accountant,. who decides about my money- to take subscriptions. So I'll probably have to fight a battle about that first before I can write those who secretly read more blogs. I have an interesting and fullfilling life. Unfortunately I don't have the capability to write interesting enough for strangers, and those who might be interested are not informed about this secret off mine about life in psychiatric health care. I might have had an audience if they where into computers and could read English. I bet I would be in trouble either. So that's why I don't have daily life fans dwelling all over this weblog while I'm a young woman in the last year off her 20's. My daily life audience is often older, a bit out off their mind and not intelligent enough to find their way to this. I'm sorry to say. But here I am again, sharing my story with you. 

(Note: Because they aren't intelligent enough to find their way to the dark and mystic web a.k.a my nickname Starlight and it's secrets doesn't mean that I don't love my daily life audience. They are the lovely ones I love to bake happy with cakes and cookies and make fresh soups for each week. They are gratefull for what I do and that's what I like about them. Mainly because they don't know me like the internet audience does, they are capable to enjoy my foods and company every day without issues between us. It's refreshing and good to work with an empty page. It does well for me and the audience. I have been on good terms with them for about three years and it's almost healing to find appreciation.) 

Onto the main story: I bumped my head to an iron rack storing pans in de Boed's kitchen while preparing this week's chicken soup. I had a major headache on physicall level and it kept on all day. I had a fight with a care taker about calling General Practice later on (It kept on a bit) as I found he dind't take me very serious with my headache. GP luckily did, they told me to take aspirine and keep them informed about how things where developping. I haven't done so and I haven't taken paracetamol today. I feel it doesn't hurt anymore but that took some off this day. 

This morning I have been drilled out off bed by maintainance at 7.30 who where renovating a home on the floor above me. I moved it to my parent's home untill it's all done- hopefully tomorrow but I don't feel like being around tomorrow and I took off the entire weekend. I have been taking on too much for two days already for my sore head. It doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday. But to take it easy and calm is a run race for today as I took the trip to my parent's home so I took part in a few long bus rides. My luck probably was that the bump on my head could be cooled down with a package off frozen haricots verts from their freezer wrapped in a towel short after it happpened. It was NOT a good way to get rid off a headache.  

'Doctor, my toe hurts.' *Doctor steps on other foot.* 'Ouch! Why did you do that?' 'So you won't feel your first injury so badly anymore.' Somehow it felt like life gave me this- by taking on me today with something stupid I had to react alert to, I barely feel hurt in my head physically anymore. I would love my secret Guardian Angel who reads this though, to make sure it's not too bad since it felt like something had been damaged yesterday. 

Sometimes I wish my Guardian Angel would be real and sit next to me on my couch to cuddle me and be there physically to guide me through -everything-. But that's my life: That's not about to happen and we all should know this by now. I think I'd better be gratefull someone takes it upon them to cure me somehow. (I somehow sense he does this by reading my weblogs.)     

Gortershof is an old building. January will be an entire month off renovation in all off our old homes- it's necessairy, but I'll probably be in my parental home for an entire month or even two then.  

Third story: My bathroom ceiling light is broken and needs to be replaced entirely. I have a hard time seeing what is going on in my bathroom. I need to make time and space to buy a new one since the one I have is a stupid one about which system they have complaints all the time. It's probably even a good thing it broke down so it can be safely replaced by a good system.

Allright, that's about it for today- 

Thank you all for reading.