Good night at the 9th off January, 2022.

 Good night everyone, 

I don't know who reads this blog at such a time, but if you do- great you do so. 

*

The night is cold and rainy. I have slept a few hours before getting out off bed. I wasn't doing well after holding up some memories from 10 years ago. 10 years ago, I was at the peek off my strength- trying to get a career and I was good at what I was doing. If I wouldn't have become wrecked- I would have been a completely diffrent person. It ended all in tragedy after becoming delusional about Vana Events. I could have had it all by now. I'm still the loser everyone has always seen in me. I was thinking fullfilled with pride how I was at traineeship at the civil registration office more than 10 years ago, and then about Alkmaar and then something painfull - a panic attack-  hit me and I couldn't sleep anymore. 

I could have been so much diffrent than I am today if I could only have handled things back then. It was too much and things went shipwreck for me. Life's not fair most off the time for me. I barely feel sore over that anymore. It's just that this evening when I was in my bed it hit me. I have failed. It has been too much. Vana has been a drop in a full bucket and it wasn't good for me what they have caused. I have been down with anger for so long. No matter how much off a buddhist I want to be- forgiveness is still impossible for me at that point. They can play the role off victim, but that's not true. I suppose they haven't suffered the way I have done all those lame years. I have been using hurtfull words out off anger and pain. Not because I'm a bully. They have done more hurt to me than I probably have ever done to them and that is the truth. 

Something frightfull hit me this night and I couldn't take being in bed anymore. What do obese women wear at night? 

I'm wearing a purple longsleeve, and a matching purple pyjama pants 'till over my knees with panther print. Nothing naughty here as I can hear some off you thinking. But it's all innocent yet everyday fancy. 

I'm drinking home grown grape juice which tastes perfect. People in this country can grow grapes just fine / by the vine, due to it becomming warmer in this country. It's one off the best things to eat and drink fresh fruit and veggies from your own garden. It's healthy and if you love fruit and vegetables, also perfect for your tastebuds. Mom's husband grows grapes in his old backyard. His daughter lives there now and they harvest them every year. The fruit juice came out perfect and I'm afraid I'll drink the entire bottle. I'm afraid I'm at the last cup off the entire bottle, but I'll keep it at that otherwise I'm a bit off a gluton. They have a lot off bottles, but one is just fine / vine. *Cheers!* 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 8th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was gloomy, rainy and cold. I have been outside for pretty long since I was on the road for visiting my grandma. I have been soaked through by the rain today. 

*

Today was for visiting my almost 89 years old grandma with a pastry. She's still lively, modern and young in spirit but she's getting old. Still I'm glad I decided this summer to keep in touch with her more since she's precious and a nice old woman. I like visiting her. She loved the pastry I brought her. It's always good to visit grandparents and let them know you appreciate them every often. 

After seeing grandma I went to my parental home since that is in the same place. I got soaked from walking that route but I'm all dry again now after spending some time on the warm couch in front off watching TV. It was a buisy day but I'm not even tired, unlike most common days at Gortershof where I live. I suppose it was a good day. 

I felt like changing my medication to Haloperidole. A classic anti-psychotic medicine. but I'm changing my mind since it seems to cause depression and it's possible for people to stay fat. The main reason for me was because I wanted to loose weight, but seeing it's side effects made me change my mind. I want nothing that causes depression. That just wouldn't suit me. I feel bad already. I don't want to get into the circus off changing medication if it doesn't do good for me and doesn't change something. That's just not worthit.  

Love is sometimes a bit weird. When I felt all cold from waiting on the bus for an hour in the rain my faded old crush on 'Lars.' came back. Whenever I feel bad and in trouble, he creeps up in my mind and thinking off him kept me warm while waiting. Back in the land off the living, when the bus arrived at my destination and back on my feet at the bus stop, it faded off when I felt allright and safe again. It's gone for most off the time, but sometimes when I feel in despair it gets back a bit. I don't know why. I'm in love when I probably need a man around me. When I don't need someone- I'm fine and I suppose it's a delusion already. 

I changed my mind on changing medication. I could, however, try to enlower it a bit like the psychiatrist recommends and feel a bit more fit in the evening. I feel like I'm dying sometimes when I'm in my bed in the evening. It's -this- heavy for me at the moment. I don't know how I will react to it. Trying to lower Lorazepame wasn't much off a succes this summer. I felt unstable because off it and went entirely back to the old level before trying to quit. Causing me being tired and out off energy all the time in my normal ways. I get exhausted fast. 

My attemps in being more pretty goes well. I take more effort for myself ever since catching that depression in the neck and trying to throw it out. And it's fun. Most women, like me, love pretty make-up now and then and perfume behind their ears and the luxury off purchasing new items that work every now and then. (The look and feel off that luxury - Appearently I'm a true Leo after all- just does it. I don't want to be spoiled, but I just love the general feel off beauty items when they're packed so gorgeous and feel so luxurious. Perfect!)  

I must say perfume goes easier than make-up. I'm rather likely to spray perfume on every day than doing make-up. Today just wasn't for make-up but I have my nails done (With polish, not fake nails) , my hair looks better than before and I'm wearing grey pearl studs in my ears. My inside feels wrecked somehow, but my looks are fine today for me. If I wasn't fat from being a mental patient, I probably wouldn't have mind to have actually seen 'Lars. ' while waiting for the bus for an hour in the rain at Beverwijk station. 

No, I'm lying- I felt soaked and it probably wouldn't have been a good idea after all, but someday I hope I will look and feel all worthit for a crush again. Delusions form a crush sometimes. Love is an ilusion, but the painfull reality off having nothing at all in my life is even worse. I need that ilusion / delusion when the streetbricks I got mentally pushed on are cold, grey, hard and in general painfull. 

Feeling pretty and being pretty is just not there yet. But I'm on the good road towards it. Tonight is for sleeping over at my mom's and tomorrow I'll go back home. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

       

Good evening at the 5th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

This day was cold and gloomy, by the evening the sky went clear and we could see the moon. It's a tiny shard off it's surface tonight. The government was about to decide about our lockdown yesterday. Hospital intakes haven't increased, infection numbers have. What can we expect with this on our neck? Times are uncertain. 

*

This day was for applepie. A dressed up apple crumble pie for course tomorrow. It's not a course 'Stuff yourself untill you can't breathe anymore.' But a course on Psychiatric health given by the mental health service I fall under to educate young people who had delusions about their mental condition. I decided to take part previous year and I'm keeping up with it ever since October. Sometimes stuff gets delayed or courses are skipped to another date but that doesn't matter since I'm determined to learn about myself and what it contains to have psychosis and be schizophrenic. As far as that goes, it's a bit confronting but I decided I need this course and it's always good to learn about yourself. As the saying goes: 'Know thine self.' 

This apple crumble pie hopefully does well for my fellow course takers, staff who gives this course and maybe other staff from the location as I will give this to them to share if there's left for them. It's made with my self thought out mix off almonds, dried prunes, golden raisins, apples and cookie spices and some almond chives in the crumble mix on top. I needed this to set off my mind off things. As baking is my hobby. 

It would do well with a doll up off whipped cream, but unfortunately I don't have any. I suspect people will forgive me for that. I hope I can make their day with it tomorrow. I had the plan for some time to bake them something, now I finally could do it. I smuggled a bit with a package for applepie dough from the brand Koopmans instead off making from scratch. Hopefully that won't matter to them aswell. I wonder if they like it. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 4th off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is moderately cold with showers off rain every now and then. 

*

I have been blogging frequently about being depressed, being too depressed to diet and groom myself, to have caused fights with Vana Events in 2018 and feeling ugly in general, in a time where body positive imaging is a thing. I think I should tell you the cause off all off this. I think my audience has the right to know what keeps me from being on track in this life and what makes me so utterly sad. 

I have been in psychiatric health for a while now. It's because off Vana Events it happened in the first place, but this incident that happened in 2017 was the cause off this whole shit I have been in since it took place. 

There was a man who gave joy to my life. He flirted with me and lightned my heart every time I was at those events, I just felt we where no match and that I couldn't give him enough and that he wasn't handsome. Somehow I felt it wasn't a match but he flirted with me, and at some point I believed we could eventually be something if we tried. It took place for a period off time off about 7 years. At the end off it, I fell in love myself and I believed we could be something. 

But one day after my 25th birthday, something nasty happened on Castlefest. Instead off being joyous and fun and flirty he was acting all cold and it hurt me but I didn't understand. His friend said: 'Why should we flirt with you? The most beautifull women off the country come here so why you?' To me while they passed by, him being all cold. 

And then while I took place at a picknick table, he showed up with a frele blonde woman with curls, being all flirty with her in my face and acting as cold as an ice berg towards me. Something in me broke. I couldn't go on from that moment on and he was very cold and mean while I left the event almost crying at the door. It was for me the permanent end to events. I tried somehow but I couldn't. I didn't have it in me to continue any event, while they had that beautifull wickertree dedicated to my idea, something so cruel took place I couldn't handle it anymore. 

I broke with all my event friends, I caused fights online, I had to be taken in at the mental hospital and my home situation wrecked. It felt like nobody listned to me in 2018, when I was all angry and broken hearted about it. Vana Events can be pretty cruel towards people they wish to reject. Not taking count off my feelings, which where wrecked and broken and so incredibly sad. I haven't come over being rejected for a pretty blonde ever since. In a time off body positive imaging and all women who should be respected for who they are, Vana choose the old fashioned path and started to slutshame, being nasty to fat women and do something like this to me. I look like an old hag, due to medication and being mental. I haven't seen any off them ever since. It was too much for me. That incident broke and wrecked me. I felt: 'I haven't much to give, it's all that I have, but appearently- it isn't enough. Everything I have is not enough.' That hurted incredibly. Care takers couldn't go on with me that way in that living situation. I was wrecked and mental, and I have deleted most posts from before winter 2018 since they where mad. I have gone mad over a man I wasn't even sure I liked. That stinks and it's not right. Yoram is a coward, he over acts being macho which doesn't suit me since I'm more off a thinker and not superficial but this hurted. Instead off giving me something nice for my 25th birthday he shoved me a depression and a mental wreck in my face the day after. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you all for reading.    

Good evening at the 2nd off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today wasn't as cold as christmas, the clouds faded and the sky became clear somewhat. Sometimes they have something on the radio around March or April saying 'Today has been colder than christmas.' But I doubt they will have that again this year. It was freezing around christmas this year. Only a good blizzard can top that. I hope this year won't have one. On top off Corona numbers increasing and a crisis being on, I think it's another punishment for the people if a blizzard would happen. 

*

Tonight was another one off those nights. I couldn't sleep untill morning. I do incredibly hard sleeping these days. It hasn't been gone after new year's eve. Maybe it will be off off my shoulders when we're out off lockdown. I have slept untill 12 A.M and not much came out off my fingers today. It's been like that for some time.  

I have been making plans for this year when it comes to my hobby. I have been angry today at de Boed, at points that have been frustrating me but which I never speak out to people. Something inside tells me I should. Just speak out what issues I have with some aspects. It might help. People have never noticed my dissatisfaction about that. Not in that intensity. I have bend my head and decided to go there and have dinner there again. Simply because I know myself too well by now. I'm too unreliable to do it myself so I need them. It aired up to speak my mind, however. I don't know if I should do that to a living person that way, however. 

I hope I will sleep tonight. Sleep, sacred sleep... I have been checking up some old facebook posts off this day, and it's almost common for me to have terrible sleep around new year's eve. I have been shoving it off for some time, but I'm one off those people in psychiatric health who has trouble during holidays with themselves. I'm among them, where up untill 3 years ago, I wasn't. 

I have been posting about 158 blogs last year. I'm sarcastically thinking to myself: Let's top that with about 200 this year. It seems I have enough to write about when it's about my life. I don't know who reads this, I have no subscribers but I can see pagevieuws. If you are among those readers who keeps track off this each time: Thank you for reading and a happy new year to you. You mean a lot to me. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good afternoon at the 2nd off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's cloudy and stormy outside. It's not much diffrent from usuall, except that there is a lot off wind. 

*

I think it's a pity for food to be sober during the winter months, at least that's what it's traditionally. The months after christmas, when everyone wants to be back on track, is sober and spare. I think we could use some cookie spices these months to fight the winter blues. (Just to mention an example) It's just that people want to fit into their ski suits and want to loose christmas kilo's these months so it's not as rich and decadent anymore. Maybe I should think les egoistic when it comes to this. The earth needs a rest after the outstanding christmas months, our pantries need to be refilled and kilo's have to go away after a few christmas dinners and the outstanding new year's eve snacks. I give people their right when it comes to this. But for depression, it's not such a good thing. Or maybe it is. If you can set yourself to loose 20 kilogram when you have to, that might help when you're depressed. But most off the time depressed people don't care at all. When I'm depressed as a doorknob, I can't set myself to diet in January either. I haven't done so in 4 years and look what that made me. Just when it was essential to watch weight- I was on medication switch, a broken heart and the anticonception pill in a terrible home situation. So watching my weight? Not so much. I just couldn't set myself to it. 

I had a care taker saying I should get started when I feel ready for it. Not when I feel other people's pressure. It's a good advice. 

What I did with those apple turnovers- I shared one with that care taker giving me advice, and he took one for a fellow client he had to visit next and another one for the other care taker being off service during new year's eve. I gave away three and ate the rest off them myself. I was a bit selfish with it, but I also felt it was too little to share with de Boed. And they where good. I think that was due to the star anise in my cookie spices. I love star anise combined with apples or pears. I have eaten most myself, It felt good being capable to share some off them, though. Sometimes it's as easy as sharing food and a cup off coffee or tea with someone to make me a happy person. 

 Allright, that's about it for now- I can't set myself to write you more about now so thank you for reading. 

  

Good evening at the 1st off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and rainy, though it was warm for a new year's day. It's not the outback in Australia, but it was about 15 degrees celsius today. For the Netherlands in winter, that is warm. 

*

I have a real new year's resolution: I want to be pretty again. Not slacking myself but being truly pretty and content with myself. 

I have been in a massive black hole off depression when it comes to my looks and I have been abandoning it a bit the previous 4 years because my heart was broken. I don't want to do it for a man or for being prettier than his whore, but just for myself. I want to get myself out off that depression (Which I succeded) and be on the right track again with myself. So far, I'm content. The hairdresser has done well for me, I put on skin cream and mascara again today and I look young for my almost 30. I'm just -be warned- incredibly fat. I call myself 'Au Natural with a doll up off whipped cream.' referring to that skin cream. I remembered today to put on lip balm again after drinking coffee at de Boed's new year's bingo and I'm washed. It makes a diffrence. I don't feel well enough yet to show a picture off myself on here, so I leave it to the reader to imagine me, washed and groomed versus slacking and greasy. 

It's common for mental patients to be ungroomed and I can get annoyed by myself big deal when I'm doing that and I have no power over myself to change it. When your stuck up in yourself, even that is impossible and it's true. 

2022 will be the Chinese year off the Tiger after Chinese new year. (Tiger is a chinese starsign) I will turn 30 this year. It's something to notice and I'm proud off it. If Corona and it's restrictions work with and will be off, I will take my family to a restaurant to celebrate. I don't have a lot off relatives so it's not too much off a thing for me. The year off the Tiger is something to be warned off if you are it's opposite, a Monkey - Which I am.- Tigers and Monkeys are supposed to be enemies. I have a lot off good plans for this year but Corona could be in the way so I might have to cancel some things. I have plans again to enjoy life. After that massive black hole I felt being in. I might have been in love during that period, but I didn't feel strong enough to go after it. I thought he was taken and that kept me off the man in Leiden. I think I did good about that since I wasn't on track enough with myself again to do so. It was a nasty period and I probably needed that crush to soften it's sharpness. But mind me, if I would have found that prince charming, I would have definitely gone after him. I can just say it wasn't the right time and place for it. At this moment off time, I'm working my way back again to feeling better. I finally want to be and feel pretty again a crush worthy. But it's mainly for myself this time. I suppose I need it. 2022 is a Tiger year, but it seems somewhat more promising than the year off the Ox. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.