Good evening at the 24th off June, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright and sunny. Tomorow they forecasted even higher temperatures, which is not to my liking. I hate tropical heath. I´m more a person for cooler temperatures. 

*

I don't feel like it. 

We're stuck in a crisis with prices enhighering, for food, clothes, services, everything. It's an art to behave well- thought out and sober. And I used to manage that quite well. Untill somehow my depression faded off and I decided I wanted to Live. I wish to go out to lunchrooms, and go shoping, and do fun things. I decided to save out on clothes and not wear make-up, since in my depressive period I thought I barely cared about them anymore. I started to care again, but I decided to keep it moderate and just deal with what I've got. I have never been a Barbiedoll or into big fashion, so it's not much off a thing for me. I can handle it. 

But not going anywhere and having to spend a lot off time at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk? That's too much for me. I don't like hanging around there anymore. Since fellow clients are disrupting the spirits that hang there. It's always negative, they fight each other, they are hatefull all the time, break out in agression or are just hard to deal with. It's not to my liking anymore, and I'm not there for my peace anymore. So I decided I need to escape every often to keep my piece off sanity and not get into their business too much, hard as they are at the moment. But that requires money. It requires big bucks to live at the moment, so I need to think a bit better before spending. I hate my fellow clients at the moment. I can't stand being around them and it's impossible to overcome. Not because they hate on me, but because they are too much in their mental needs and mental diseases at the moment. 'They can't help it.' 'You should try to get over with it.' And so on, and care takers tell me that all the time. But too much is too much, somewhere up to here. So I have to puzzle ways to have lunch at other places without having to cross them. I won't share too much details about it, except that it drains me. 

Another jigsaw: Puzzling how to deal with not being depressive anymore, and truly taking action to look and feel good (Finally) and enhighered prices everywhere. I got up to the point where I started to pluck and shave the basics again. I feel like I'm a young woman again, instead off the man some people even used to adress me. (Some assumed I was a fat man with long hair) But now it's hopefully obvious again I'm a woman. I'm glad I invested in care products before, so I can use them. I'm gratefull to be capable to use a facial scrub and a face mask yesterday, and pamper myself for the first time since - A long time.-  After feeling so bad. 

I also felt bad about myself. I felt my face was ugly and I couldn't set myself to basic grooming anymore. Up to a point where I really had to make appointments with care staff about bathing. Simply because I believed 'It had no use.' for me anymore. 

My hair is still long, but it's cut by the hairdresser and I decided to dye it a modern nude tone. So it's cool and fresh and modern. It has no dead ends when it's cut, it's fresh on the front and it's a cool blonde shade. I'm so proud off myself I groom again. Since I believe in being fresh and groomed. It's the best thing in my eyes to have a fresh body and feel comfy and clean in your skin. Despite the lack off make-up or fashionable items. But it's been something from only recent. And  'then.' I felt like making it right again and do something about it. I don't know if I can keep up with it. Or if the depression will come back. 

But you get it: Trying to be as pretty as possible again, requires money. I'm good when it comes to face masks and scrubs, and all those shower products in the stock cabin. But it has no endless life. Maybe I should see for now how it works out, and then re-valuate in quite some time. It's good to be a girl, and it's good not to be out off razors and shampoo these days. If I take it step by step, I think I'm going to be good for a long time with it. (And as long as I don't wish to go too fancy, and keep my stock off items in order.) 

Depressive girl starts to take care off herself, that's the recap off this weblog, and now it would be even better if prices would enlower again to support her in that mission. That's mainly it. 

Somehow I believe in not going overboard during a crisis with my looks. As long as it's clean, it's good enough. As long as the basics are in order, it's fine. And what else can we wish for than being clean during a crisis? We shouldn't take it too harsh and be too hard on ourselves in this. People can say a lot about me, but at least not that I'm not clean or fresh. Compared to a year ago it's better. I used to go out in a skirt without shaving my legs, or dying my hair. But this year I'm a girl again. I feel like a woman and I feel so much better.  This version off myself, this is how I like it. 

Allright, that's about it, 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 10th off June, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was incredibly hot, and I have been hiding in my home most off the time. I only have been out to de Boed for coffee or meals. Other than that, I have been in all the time.

*

I have been trying incense for mid-summer. I ordered a few new packages, and tried them on my altair sending wishes and prayers in the air. And I'm burning a yellow candle for peace in Ukraine. It's going to be bad, also for the economy. 

I foresee growth marks off -1,7 % and -1,4 % for next year for the quarter off years if the war and the crisis continues. This counts for the Netherlands. The crisis, at that point, has become lethally dangerous for most. It's going to be awfull. Most people will be poor or close to poor. And I wonder what will happen to our food if people have no money to eat anymore. It will be bad 

Bad times are part off this earth. They have always been there. More floaty types will predict you all sunshine and roses if you don't watch out. But it's the truth off the day troublesome times and war and death are part off this world aswell. I count myself a realist, not a pessimist. Like some people used to say: 'This world is bad? No, dear, this world is deeply rotten.' And that's the truth off the day nowadays. I can't go more soft on it if I wish to keep this prediction realistic. I have low faith in mankind to be honest. I believe in doing good for ourselves and our own karma points. But most people don't seem to do so. I do good because I believe in that. I try to do good to the people in my surrounding. 

But I'm not a prissy. I can handle a lot, but I'm not to be messed with. We will see a shrink in the economy next year, even up to a point where the year mark will be a minus. I don't know what it will do to us in the long term. It's already bad as it is. And badly as it is, I don't have any solution for you. I don't know how to solve the war and the crisis if Russia doesn't give in, or if this is some sick Iluminati game or not, like there are rumors about out there. I just don't know what to do. I know I should warn you. 

It's good to prepare yourselves somehow. Be sure to have products on stock and a closet filled with clothes you can re-wear for a long time. Prepare for a period where most people will do less, economically seen. AND, last advice: Don't be ungratefull for what people do give you, if you are used that they gave more some time ago. (For an occasion, or a holiday present, for example.) Or when the food you have to eat is less than what you are used to. Don't be lame on the person who prepared it for you when you go to them for a dinner. Don't mock about it, since that can be painfull. Be prepared to live in a world where we already do live with what we have 'on the shelves.' instead off buying something new all the time. It's a deep necessity. We simply can't spend more money on things than we do have. 

I have a bit off a hay fever this weekend. A runny nose, sneezing all the time, runny eyes, and a little enhighering off temperature. Aside to being hot, this weekend also has code red for pollen. I have just a little hay fever, but all off these pollen are enough to make me grab my box off tissues and just sick it out. There's nothing that can be done about it this weekend. The best thing that can happen for me for now is rain. But they predicted a whole week off high temperatures. I feel sick from it. 

I decided to shut down the central heathing for summer. It's getting hot, there's no need to warm the home for this period. It saves money and gas, hopefully. 

Pluto will be in Capricorn again tomorrow, and it's a good idea to be sober. The first Aquarius period has been fun for me. I have been doing very well, and I have been going out to fun things and had fun despite the crisis. I feel less chained to medication and health borders this period, but it's about to end and we have to be carefull once more. Still, I can say I enjoyed spring. I hope Aquarius will be this good to me it's entire period with Pluto for the next 20 years, after we took this last step with Capricorn. I just hope Aquarius will also come up with an idea to end the crisis and the war, and we can live up to our full potential again. But like I said: We will have a crisis the next period. I know it's going to take some time. People, it's going to be hard, but take care. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 9th off June, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright and sunny, and there is a hot and sunny weekend ahead to us. With my pale skin and my obesity, I´m not looking forward to it. 

*

This evening I'm baling a bit. My budget is at a point where I can't afford to donate, give or bake for other people anymore. Without getting in trouble myself. I have to safe it up, and then be sober and see if I can make it through. It's not to my liking. The crisis takes away a lot from me this way. No more spontaneous gifts, no new cookbooks anymore, sober with clothes, no baking, no baking supplies, no laundry wash or softner for the give away shop, just saving it up so I can safe my own ass this time. Those extra's that made life fun for me are gone. I have been capable to have lunch out at lunchrooms and restaurants a few times, and shop small items. But those big fun things like new cookbooks or luxurious Sunday bakings? Not for me anymore. And baking on it's own has become theft off my own wallet. Not doable anymore. Just too bad.  

I like to be an every day superhero. But not being capable to donate, it's harder for me to perform that act. 

I still make soup every wednesday but that's on de Boed's costs. It's probably the only superhero act off kindness I can still perform on a regulair base. Preparing soup for everyone's lunch every once a week. And I help doing the dishes after dinner time. Or I sweep the floor for them. We have chores at de Boed after dinner. I like to be a superhero for free and dry and store the kitchenware every often (Not every day) during the week. They love me for doing that. They think I work fast and they are gratefull for me taking it on me so easily. I like organizing the cupboards along. And it still gives me that superhero feeling. I'm fat and unemployed. I probably need it for my self-esteem to be a superhero every now and then. 

But still, no donations kinda hurts. My wallet hurts from this crisis. Let's be glad I haven't truly been beaten by a villain, but it's still kinda bad. The last weeks I have been sharing bakings, multipack boxes off good brand laundry wash, a box off expensive ice cream and I have been sending several postcards. I have been capable to purchase a few small 'In between' gifts, and a cool birthday gift for my brother. (His birthday will be at the 19th.) I have been doing anything to fight the crisis, also for other people with lower budgets than me. But there is a certain border up to where it's capable. It's become too much to keep up with what I have been trying. 

I have to realize I have to live on governmental wages myself, and these increasement off prices just makes my actions impossible this way. I'm not capable to get more money each week. I have to get by with what I got. It's doable, but just for myself and thinking on the terms off just  one Christmas gift each for my two brothers this year if I start hoarding them for cheap. Just collecting that one book to my cookbook series that came out recently (And that's it for now with them) and then saving the rest up untill the products from my stock are up and purchasing the multipacks on a discount like that. I can still donate one item from a package in the give away closet down the hall, but that's going to be about it with my acts off charity. As far as I can see it, the biggest luxury in my life is off. And this is how I'm going to do it: I think I just have to accept it for now. Accept I'm going to wear last year's clothes, and not purchasing gifts for everyone and a box off chocolates along for christmas. 

I have been thinking, what did ordinairy women do during the 1930's? To fullfill their lives? Taking care off their family, sewing, handcraft, reading, knitting, crotcheting, cross stitching, baking appeltaart, but those typicall, classical feminin things are impossible for me at the moment. It's no use trying to put inspiration from that. Emancipated and modern as I am

I do hard with it, paying a higher price for a smaller portion in a restaurant. Not because I'm a gluton, but because I wish there to be enough food for people. These times are sucking me out. I even have been saving money on hairdye and a haircut. I wear it in a natural shade. It's better than during my depressive periods, but nowadays I dye every 6 months and wear it in an ordinairy braid in my neck to save money. I still wear nailpolish, but I barely wear make-up on my face. I hate these days, but still I come round. I manage to get by despite it's with beeping and creaking, (Thanks to de Boed for supplying my meals each day) 

I wear simple clothes. It's either been in my closet for a while, or it's simple and cheap. Those two do combine well. But it's not the kind off clothes I prefer to wear. Though it's comfy to wear. At least I'm comfortable. And I have been purchasing nice colours. I still like my cheap ass shirts. 

I have been investing in notebooks, however. I like to journal each day about life to empty my head. I have been thinking I needed those fun notebooks, so I deciced they where worthit. Don't get me wrong, I have been painting my toenails a vibrant orange this morning. I still live in a small flat with nice furniture and I have clothes to wear and foods to eat. But the biggest extra's off life are off. 

I foresee us to still have to live with the crisis for four to five winters, and the economy off the Netherlands and the European Union even to become lower. Growth marks of f -1 % and down are even possible. (Somehow I foresee -0,9% for the next quarter off a year for the Netherlands) As we know by now, I'm not an over-acting trouble shooter but a realist. This is what is going to happen. The economy is going to get worse and I suspect the inflation to become dangerous for society, as far as it hasn't already become. I have been burning incense and a tealight on my altair to wish for the war in Ukraine to stop earlier on. This is going to become ink black if it continues like this, I'm sorry to say. It needs to stop as one hell off soon as possible, and I'm not going to dim my words. Since this IS too bad for everyone. 

I got hay fever complaints. It's code red for symptoms. I have it in a very mild form, but it's enough for a runny nose this evening and sneezing all the time. 

I'm not looking forward to a good weekend this weekend. I'm sorry to say. Heath, hay fever and a head full off worries about the crisis. And that's my Friday evening. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.          

Things that make me happy

 

Good evening everyone, 

I feel like sharing those fun and nice things that give my life fullfillment and make me love my life, despite being in mental health and missing out on the regulair things as an adult (A career and a family). Maybe you put inspiration out off it to do something fun yourself. Who knows. I'm so fed up with all the negativity in life and the massive dip the world is in at the moment. We need more positivity! 

1. 80's hits 

2. Donating bakings to the local community centre 

3. Doing the laundry and having clean clothes 

4. A clean bed 

5. Lame Bert & Ernie humor 

6. Donating laundry wash to the give away shop / performing acts off charity (Especially when received gratefully) 

7. The elder generation and making them happy / imagining myself in their era and loving it. (I'm born in the wrong era. I would have loved to have lived through the end off the 20th century. ) 

8. Sharing drink or coffee pictures on Facebook, thinking I share a drink with my vieuwers, or sharing a picture off my morning tea and wishing them a good morning.  

9. Sending postcards to family 

10. Bargains 

11. Fun prints on fabrics 

12. Realizing I cope well with the crisis and believing I will make it through 

13. Giving presents and gifts to others 

14. Visiting old cities and having coffee and shopping in city centres 

15. Markets 

16. Blooming flowers 

17. Streets covered with flowers on the sides 

18. Christmas 

19. My mom 

20. Sunbathing on moderate warm days 

21. Coffee 

22. My house plants 

23. Buddha and Buddhism 

24. The colours Pink, red, yellow and orange (The more vibrant the better) 

25. Nailpolish 

26. Cats 

27. Accepting myself and my flaws, realizing I'm just the way I am and still loving myself despite it all. I love that about myself. 

28. Doing good for others 

29. My brother Tim 

30. My brother Rick 

31. Well tasting fries (It's almost an art to make them perfect. A snackbar or restaurant who has them perfect, and perfect to taste deserves an award nowadays) Salt & crispy, just like they're supposed to. 

32. The interior to my small home 

33. Being fresh when I have showered and washed myself 

34. Not taking things and people too serious. Seeing them with a sense off humor works for me. 

35. My humor. Some loathe it. But I personally love it and I can laugh out loud about myself. Oh woe to those who take themselves too seriously. 

36. Reaching for that little extra. An extra performance, an extra act, being and doing a bit better than what an average human would do. (Because they don't care or are lazy.) People are often a bit slacking at points where I simply do it. I love that about myself. Just taking the extra mile makes me proud off myself. 

37. Acting modest and not egocentric. If you wish to be an every day superhero, it's best not to act out off a big ego. People might think you have it high in your head. Just do it, and still be modest and kind to the world. I love how it works out. People appreciate me though they don't think I'm selfish or a brag out. Act down to earth, and they will love you even more if you help.  

38. Sarah Brightman 

39. The cooking bible series 

40. Toblerone 

41. People who are an Aries off zodiac sign 

42. When I have plenty to give & share with people, for example food, and I don't have to measure out so everyone 'at least has a bite.' I want them all to have a good portion off whatever it is I'm sharing 

43. Ladybugs randomly showing up to me, signing good fortune and wishes coming true to me (To me they do that every often) 

44. The internet and being on the computer. But everything in moderation. It's a great invention and it's very handy, but I'm not an addict and it's used to my advance. 

45. Being fortunate enough to have fun with small amounts off money, and doing things I like with it. I'm capable to buy and give without having to be extremely sober with it. 

46. Writing in my diary / on my weblog about my day. Lately my diary has my preference. I have been realizing I'm not Napoleon, or someone else off importance. I haven't occupied France. Who the hell cares what I'm doing? It's not read. So my diary is my personal preference to journal at the moment. 

47. Sweet, alcohol free white wine with fizz. (Bubbles) sided with my favourite nut mix on a Saturday evening 

48. Not caring about what the world thinks off me most off the time. 

49. Swimming 

50. Putting new, freshly bought items to use. Like wearing them, eating them, writing in them, and so on. 

It's pretty much. I haven't thought I would come this far. I decide to end at 50. But my life is fun, meaningfull and I love it. Despite being in a psychiatric care home. To me it doesn't matter how far off I am, as long as it's still fun. 

I hope you enjoyed this list! 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 19th off May, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a beautifull, sunny day in May. I even have caught up on my sun allergy. Nothing too serious, I got out before serious damage was caused. But it taught me a lesson on not being in the sun for more than 20 minutes or so when it´s this hot. 

*

Tonight is a boring Friday evening. But I have no boring weekend ahead off me. 

I somehow feel Buddha is right about something: The only special occasion in life, is life itself. 

Which means all other things, like celebrations, are almost invalid. Like Ascension day last Thursday. I had the idea to prepare de Boed a special quark tart that day, but for two days (The day ahead and the day itself.) I felt sick as a dog due to brain issues, and all I could do was lay in bed. Hoping it would pass as the devil on a motorcycle. I had no strength do do something at all. Ascension day at de Boed, just like Pentecost, is treated as a Sunday by staff and therefore boring as hell for most fellow clients. I thought to myself: 'Let's still make something out off it, let's spend some money and bake.' 

But I felt too sick these days. But today here I am. Fit as a fiddle. I don't feel like being in bed all the time anymore. So, today was for preparing limited mango edition quark tart for de Boed, a small community centre in Zaandijk, the Netherlands. Tomorrow I'm going to top it with chunks off pineapple and serve it to celebrate... 

an ordinairy Saturday... 

without occasions, no one has their birthday, it's just your average Saturday. 

Celebrating an average Saturday or even Sunday was something from before the crisis. Even on a discount, a package off quark tart is no funny joke anymore for just 'in between.' The chunks off pineapple are from can. Fresh pineapple is unaffordable, I'm glad it looked acceptable to me. Even a can off mixed cocktail fruits is through the roof. Just baking makes me a thief off my own wallet. 

But Buddha is probably right. Due to my disease, I can barely pin myself to Christmas, or Easter (And even then it's because my family makes it a happening and it's a worldwide happening I can celebrate at their home and leave it to them if I feel unstable and give the stirring wheel a bit to them.) But an average occasion is a bit too much to hold on to at times. So I love how Buddha looks at it: It doesn't matter, the only special occasion in life, is life itself. You'd better don't safe things for special days. 

I love it. It makes Buddhism even more suitable for a wobbly person like me. Even though it's a crisis, even though it's Ascension day, (Or has been) You can still celebrate being alive on an average Saturday. Some phrases from Buddhism seem to be made for me. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

 

Edit: 

A picture off my quark tart when it was still whole. It got cut into slices this afternoon. 

The river dragon

 

Sometimes I feel different from people, not like the others. I’m unusual, someone who barely fits among people. 

I feel like a dragon in human form. A river dragon like described in Asian mythology: Wise, free, magical, on the hunt for treasures and adventures, helpful, giving, an old soul and polite, but don’t mess with me! 

I’m free from any man, free from social morals and I feel I’m free from duties most people seem to have. An outlaw, still wealthy in a poor time, Into beauty my style, art, the romantic, the mystic, otherworldly but not pretty and petite. I feel like an electric storm rather than a fairy. 

I’m short tempered and I don’t let myself being bound by the wrong. I have never met the right people. Therefore I feel strange from most people. Still  I feel close to the beautiful aspects off nature, like flowers, stars, the moon, and I’m somewhat spiritual. I live in a romantic looking apartment situated near a beautiful, old fashioned garden. I share in my wealth, and I feel and have always felt somewhat different than other people. I do well, above and below the usuall. I don’t feel human, 

I feel like I’m an old river dragon in human form. 

Alright, that’s about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good afternoon at the 10th off May, 2023.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is grey and cold outside, and there's a promise off rain in the air. Farmers in the Netherlands have been complaining that this year's soil is too wet. 

*

How have I been doing? 

I'm not doing bad. The previous weeks where actually pretty good. The weather was good for a few days, and I have been to the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, to the Vermeer exhibition. I have been quite enjoying myself. I had a care taker from Leviaan with me. I have been seeing VOC-art and I loved being in the museum. It's been a magical day. I had a good King's day, with good foods. And a few other good days this entire period ever since the end off April. I don't know what it is, but sun in Taurus has been doing good to me this year. I have been enjoyig the Gortershof garden and all the beautifull flowers that where out this spring. I love flowers and surrounding myself with them. The soil hasn't been too wet for pretty flowers and the cherryblossoms at the Gortershof garden. The garden has been gorgeous this year. 

This period has also been a good period to give away stuff. Whenever I purchase a multipack off stuff, I always donate one package to the give away closet in the hall, ment for people who can use it. But previous week, I have been donating an entire box off laundry softner to the give away shop, situated at de Boed. I made sure it's been a softner without a strong smell, so everyone could use it. It's been appreciated. (I have been purchasing that package on a massive discount, otherwise it would have also been impossible for me)  

I have been making cake with cherries for the 5th off May celebration in the Netherlands. It was off perfect taste. And de Boed had one left for the Saturday after. I love it when they dress up a trolley with a plastic tarp which looked crotcheted with a white old fashioned crotchet pattern, and gorgeous, the coffee and tea equipment situated on top and then my cake (With the ridges) on one off my pretty glass plates with see-through ornaments on top as the show stopper it truly was that day. 

It's been vintage coffeeing for free for the mental. It's not possible to do it every week anymore, but the sight off that, and all the compliments for my cherry (From a can, not fresh) cake made my day. It's been decadent, chique almost vintage and classy, and my fellow clients didn't have to pay a dime for enjoying coffee with cake that saturday. There was a time when I had a baking for them almost every week, and in between weekends if I felt like it and I had time. But this massive economic crisis has made that impossible for me. I only still bake at occasions. 

Sunday has been for having coffee with an acquaintance, who I have been knowing for quite long. I invited her for coffee on Sunday. It's been a good weekend. Despite Sunday afternoon has been all rain. 

de Boed has a few broken vans. They had trouble transporting people to the location previous week. Let's keep it at that. And my Wednesday Soup has been cancelled a few times in a row. Other than that, I had little trouble with Mercury retrograding in Taurus. There has been no reason to think the superstition in the air from a few weeks ago would have been something bad for me. 

So I am doing allright, despite everything. I have been seeing my mental nurse this week, since I have been feeling a bit wobbly when it comes to mental stuff. But maybe it's due to being surrounded by a beautifull flower garden in May, everything lands on it's four leggs. And little damage was caused these weeks. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.