Good evening at the 30th off September, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cloudy and the evening and the mornings are fresh, but during daytime it's warm. 

*

This morning I baked a fresh bitterkoekjes cake. (Bitterkoekjes are traditional Dutch cookies, they're like Italian Amaretti, but more dense.) Because I had to finish ingredients I had on stock in my cupboard. (Including Bitterkoekjes.) Otherwise I would not have purchased the eggs and cream butter for this, since that's expensive these days. But I had so much on stock, not to purchase eggs and butter would have been a waste. 

The receipe comes from  the book 'Cakes' by Rutger van den Broek. I feel I haven't made anything from him in months, or even a year. 

Tomorrow it's getting even more luxurious at de Boed, a small community centre in Zaandijk, the Netherlands, because I have a nice new cake plate, decorated with black inked flowers, and the cake came out perfectly even. I don't buy kitchenware so often anymore, but one morning I felt I could not resist, and this ended up with me outside the store (After paying for it, ofcourse.) Actually it's too expensive in my opinion, but I just could not resist that day. Now I can kinda flaunt with it during Sunday afternoon coffee time. 

I haven't baked like this from scratch in months. Usually it's waaaaaay too expensive these days, but today was fine with me for now. I'm going to share it with my fellow clients at de Boed's Sunday afternoon coffee. They haven't seen it like this for a while.  Really, I could ask 5 euro's a slice nowadays if I was a coffee shop or a restaurant. But I'm not going to do so. It will be donated with pride and love, and fellow clients can have it for free if they like. Their appreciation is my reward. This, displayed at the coffee trolley or table, all nice and pretty, people being capable to take a slice off it, is also a reward for my pride in myself. It's sooo incredibly good it came out even. 

I can't bake every week anymore, so if people expect that from me: I have to dissapoint you. It's only spare and really only once in a while. Other than that it can't take place. I hope people tomorrow will enjoy.

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Psychiatric doesn't automatically mean psycho

 Good evening everyone, 

In modern popcult, being a psychiatric patient is often seen and confused with being evil and psycho. Maybe that's due to me. My actions may gave an impression off selfishness and cruelty, but they where not my mental disease and I don't have the intention to be selfish and cruel. 

Ever since I was put in the mental hospital in 2013, I decided I wanted to change myself. Come out as a better person since this was not how I wanted it to continue. The whole world hating on me this much. I decides to come out and be helpfull and trying to help people and be a better person than I was. I decided I wanted to be a good person and help fellow patients. And be a light in the darkness that surrounds us. That's been my motto. And so I did. 

It's just that my intentions to clear my name and speak the truth about Vana have never vanished and I doubt you could see it as a mental issue, let's be honest with it for once. 

But being psycho is being utmost cruel and enjoying other people's pain without resentment and concious. Which is not true in most cases off me and fellow clients. Most off the time we deal with issues off the past and dwell in hurt. I don't do make-up and looks like an evil queen and think 'Let's squeeze someone out today by hurting them.' That's not it. 

People who call us 'psycho.' have no idea what they're talking about. Mental patients often try their best to beat the stigma and be good people. They are just as selfish as most common people most off the time. 

People who think I abuse being mental as a reason to be psycho utmost stink. I never do. I'm somewhat off a justice seeker with a big mouth. There's a diffrence in that. I have never abused my mental issue to intentionally hurt someone. Usually I'm more like: 'What can I do to make this day a good day somehow?' When I have nothing to do, and I like to give away stuff and have fun, but never by intentionally hurting someone. That'd never be me. 

Somehow I hope you understand after I told you this. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 26th off September, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was somewhat warm and cloudy. It's pretty warm for the Netherlands at the beginning off Autumn. But it's been cloudy all day. 

*

I'm going through my menstrual period, it's not going so bad, it's just that I'm not used to feminin hormones like this. I got the whole range without resentment. I have been on medication to start it up, since it had been gone for a long time. Let me tell you this: I never had it this intense, including mood changes and side effects. Some women experience this every month ever since they're young, I got this on doctor's orders.

I had cleaning kicks, make-up buying kicks, and this utmost urge to drink tea. Not a chocolate craving, but rather an intense demand for green tea, redbush tea, and nettle tea. I also never felt 'this.' feminin, and the urge to put myself first before. I have the luck to have handled everything well. I kept it hygienic and clean and threw the thrash out in time and showered myself every day (I feel more sweaty, I just had, had, had to wash it all off.) . Just because those hormones want me to. I'm a mental patient who does hard with that, but the feminin hormones to demand things, are stronger. I have never experienced anything like it. I have never been truly fertile to begin with in my opinion if a period has to feel  'this.' strong and itense. 

I hope I can laugh about the make-up buying kicks and the costs I had to make later on. But sometimes women have to, simply because we are women. These funny hormones make us feminin. And lacking it probably makes me a case off PCOS. It's not bad, I can handle it. If my body doesn't come up with periods by itself, they are going to start them up every three times a year with medication. Appearently, women need this entire thing. 

Seeing us as unreasonable because, is unreasonable off men. Men have to take count off a world with feminin hormones much and much more. 

I have been thinking. The right man has to be capable to 'take this.' very well if I have to go through this every often. Men who do so every month with their woman... are downright heroes. I just don't know how that works, but I see men as selfish creatures who can't take much, and so that counts for female menstruation periods. I'm sorry, I can't go more light on it. Men are prehistoric hunters, not capable to make tea or cuddle with a woman if she's high in her head on hormones and bleedings and bitches him off at times. If he can take it with a sense off charm, that would be perfect. But most men? I just don't hold them capable to do so, selfish and dumbfound as they often are. I have to mention I never had a relationship with one, but the general vieuw I have off it? Just too bad. 

I'm a 31 year old spinster, but I don't think off it as too bad. It has it's pro's. 

Though I have to mention I seem to generate more attention with female hormones down my spine. When I'm out on the street, sometimes just one glaze seems to do it. I don't have experience with that lately either. And then it's my period, and not the fertile time. Some men are more sensitive for me, while others seem to hold back more. Men are weird. but maybe it's just because I keep clean better these days. I can't say I'm doing something special other than that. Maybe there's nothing but true female power to some men, no matter if she's on her period. I can't say it other than that, since usually I don't feel -this- feminin, and sensitive. 

Really, I have been crying over baby foxes and baby foxes wishing to return to their family because off the package off a box off toffifee (Chocolate candies) with them on it. It says 'family package.' I felt like a baby fox who can't share a chocolate with her family due to living apart. Then I had images off real life baby foxes loud and clear in front off me and I bawled my eyes out over it. I'm that sensitive. 'An abandoned baby fox, in the snow.... NOEEES!' I'm not off reason this week. But the whole world is not reasonable. This is the kind off marketing trick companies like Disney seek for. (I ate the whole package myself. On the other hand, I didn't have to share them.)

Usually I don't fall for it. I didn't buy the toffifee because off the package, but because I wanted to eat them.  But it's a form off emotional trickery, offcourse. But then again, I'm one big spending prey for companies at the moment. That's what hormones make me do. Luckily I have kept it at essence make-up, so it's not an expemsive joke to have purchased make-up. My period is not a joke, it's utmost serious. I think I should demand the space to be female and spend somehow. As I deserve it. It's not every month in my case, so there should be space for it. The space to be a bitch with a demand for things. Let's not abuse it, being a mental patient is not the same as being psycho (But let's explain that later on.) But every once in a while... oh, well. Let's be human with it. The next time will be in January if it doesn't happen by nature. Sometimes it's perfectly fine with me to put myself first and be female. 

In my case, it doesn't work with the moon. There are rumors with some women it falls at the same time as new moon. For me, that doesn't count. Since I'm not fertile and on PCOS. Fertile women are supposed to bleed with new moon according to wiccan and pagan beliefs. I'm not. But I'm not a fertile woman. I'm weird. 

I'm gratefull for the Leviaan office and everything they do for me, let's declare that on here while we're at it. Without this care home organisation, I would be death as a dodo. I can live during this era, thanks to them and their care. 

Let's end that weblog with that for now, and somehow I feel I can take on the future with Leviaan on my side, having my back. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

    

 

 

Good evening at the 19th off September, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today there is a mild storm in the Netherlands. It's been windy and raining cats and dogs today. 

*

This evening my mom gave me the best reason to be anti-social: Period hormones which make me get annoyed by fellow clients and staff all the time. Especially the extreme unhygienic and mental types work on my nerves these days. So to stay in was her advice. It's to my personal liking, so I think I'm going to follow that advice. Stay inside and stay away from them, sounds great being comfortably in my own home with tea and chocolate on hand. If it sounds like that. I think my period hormones do get the best off me and it may be a good idea to stay in, instead off calling out someone and start a fight. 

This week I had no money to bake, simply because I hoarded chocolate for this matter. I barely have money to bake anyway, but this week not even something simple for my fellow clients, simply because off hormones. 

Sometimes Facebook annoys me a bit. There was a time where I could afford a luxurious baking for fellow clients almost every week, and I didn't have to save out on it. I was quite good at it and it was very much appreciated in this boring and far off place with nothing else to do on Sunday. During weekdays I could even make them happy with it. Nowadays? It's all too much and I bail because off that. My famous banana cake doesn't show up to them anymore as much as I would like to. So to bake to make them forget the crisis? Not so much for me anymore. 

Makes me have to mention they are gratefull for less than what it's used to be. Plain raisin cake instead off cake with golden raisins and dried prunes for example, and that not even once a month. 

The only time when I could really make something out off a baking, was when someone ordered a birthday treat at me and I made banana-bitterkoekjes quark tart with a chocolate crust for them. I made enough for the whole Boed, and it sure was the best I could do. But that's simply because they paid along for me. But the luxurious quark tart season is probably over for now. I fixed three birthdays with them. I made people really glad with it. But this stupid crisis makes baking 'just because' almost impossible. 

You can guess I'm kinda lethal on menstrual hormones and without a baking to set off my mind to. Annoyed by the side effects to this crisis, and fellow clients and de Boed's current strict policy. 

My mind is kinda tangled this evening. All I can hope for, is the bleeding to start soon and relief me from this terror, which I'm not used to. I usually don't menstruate, so I don't know what it's like to have these hormones all the goddamn time. Maybe that makes me so diffrent from most women. diffrent, and annoying. Them usually being all bitchy while I still believe in peace on earth. Maybe I should not generalize them this way, but maybe not to be fertile makes me slightly diffrent from an average person when it comes to morals and beliefs. Or maybe I'm just strange. A weirdo who doesn't work well. (On top off mental issues.) But it could very well be. I'm not a peace seeker, but usually I take on things more manly than most women in my point off vieuw. 

Somehow I wish there was a solution for all off this, but being born and raised up to this era makes me have to cope with a lot off trouble. Not just with myself, also with the world. Somehow I feel I fit in the modern world perfectly with all off my trouble. Who would have ever thought off that. Just most people annoy me this evening. I'm one old crank this week. I just hope the world has compassion and understanding with me during the week, or maybe I should not seek out on problems and stay in. Otherwise, we'll see how to clean out the mess later on. But for now: Let's hope to survive. Even if it has to be to stay in for a week. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 18th off September, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's somewhat warm, but rainy all day. And there have been thunderstorms. 

*

I expect the growth marks off this country for this quarter off a year to be in between 0% and -0,5% somehow. I expect there to be a minus to be honest. That means the entire year is a minus for growth for the Netherlands. It's not the end off the world, the world will still turn somehow. And it will turn after this. But it's a matter off the day to deal with. Cheers to those off you who can still make it, and a cheer you up for those who don't. 

Today has been for grocery shopping. Then a break at home, followed by a delusional episode which I needed de Boed and care staff for. I talked it out, and when it was off my mind, I went for a sit at a bench near our coi carp pond. (de Boed has an old and timeless coi carp pond.)  And then went home again but behind my computer. I have been listening to Frank Sinatra and looking up vintage images at Pinterest. It's covered in vintage these days. Very vintage fashion looks a bit too old fashioned to me. But it's in fashion like never before. Still, like I told you, I'm going to re-wear clothes from previous year. I think just an occasional red lipstick will do. In my case, very occasional since I barely wear make-up. I have been bailing about expensive advent calendars, but then realized I barely wear it anyway so it's no use to begin with. And I was never into advent calendars to begin with, so it's probably a bit stupid to fall for that commercial beauty industry hype this year. I recently bought a bit off make-up. (A few every day nude lipsticks and some cool nailpolishes.) I should not forget it's not the end off the world to do it that way. I'm glad I fell out off the stupid trap off wishfull thinking for Christmas make-up this year. I'm no longer bailing over it. This is a year off grief, not greed. Suitable, appropriate grief.  

Somehow I'm thinking off purchasing new sneakers this year. But that's because previous year's shoes are all outworn and ragged. Including holes. I think it's no crime to replace that. Even I need new shoes every year. I can't deny that. So I'm not going to 100% re-wear. It would be nothing but fair to share that with you. 

I decided to see this upcoming season and following winter as an adventure. It's a challenge, it's an adventure, it requires people to use their mind, forehand thinking and enough stuff on stock and storage instead off greed and even more toys and items. It's a downfall and a disaster and it's cruel for those who don't use their heads here. Mind over matter, hands on the stirring wheel, keep in mind what's appropriate in this case, and start the vehicle and drive with care. Then we'll see how far it might come. It's not something to drive at full speed. That's likely to crash, but a carefull drive through the cold seasons can probably get me far enough to make it through. Due to mindfull thinking, and forehand work. 

I have been storing like a squirrel. I'm good and granted the upcoming time. 

Looking for something to listen to that hits the nail right on the head this vintage period? Frank Sinatra, offcourse: 

        

The right vibe off comfort, the good old golden days that are in fashion these days. Due to the classics, we're making small, tiny progress. though it's not much. I haven't been listening this non-stop, but when I had the computer on, I have been listening to parts off it. 

Keep your head held up, no matter how hard the crisis hits you. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 13th off September, 2023.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cooler weather with grey clouds and cool wind. It turns out the thunderstorms where in the south off this country. Still it's better weather for me today. 

*

This morning someone anoying entered de Boed, and I felt an urge to escape. I had everything on stock, so I decided on to bake two raisin cakes. From the quark cake mix I usually make my dried prune and golden raisin cakes with. But these are too expensive, so I was glad I had plain raisins on stock for these: 

despite it had to be done cheaper, they turned out picture worthit and even instead off damaged with cake stuck in the baking molds. I'm proud they turned out like this since I used to have a few issues with cakes being stuck in the mold, and not getting out even. These are fancy and have perfect ridges. 

I don't bake as often as I used to anymore. It's a loss and I miss it. Baking like I used to is impossible nowadays. But raisin cake there is tomorrow. (They're better when you store them in your fridge overnight. That's the proces they're in now.) They will be served for Leviaan clients at the afternoon coffee tomorrow. 

That's the main subject off this weblog, and I miss my weblog often not to make more sense than a fancy baking every weekend. Due to the times and everything. But tomorrow I can make people happy with cake. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 12th off September, 2023.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is sweaty and cloudy. The heath off previous heathwave is still present in the buildings and outside it's perfect swamp weather. Cloudy, here and there a raincloud but moderately warm. 

*

Today I kinda broke my decision to safe out on wrapping paper. I had nothing to do on a boring tuesday morning where the coffee tasted like too much (Not out off guilt, but the damp and warm weather made it taste a little less good than usual) and I thought to myself: 'Don't be such a partypooper this year, it's only 0,79 cents a roll for Sinterklaas wrapping paper at Action's.' 

So I went to Action's, bought two off them and then had lunch at the lunchroom there. It's the only thing I'm planning to do for the holidays. Except for christmas cards. I also ordered the boxes off laundry wash and softner online with massive discount. So I'm Sinterklaas ready when it arrives. In September already. 

Without the massive discount, (115 to 30, kinda comes in handy) I would never be capable to do it either. I'm not a rich woman, just someone who loves to be on the front row for a dime. Like the proverb translates 'Voor een kwartje op de eerste rang.' I have always done so, long before the crisis was here. I don't know if I still get away with that these days. But an eye for bargains comes in handy. I suppose they won't notice. 

However, the holiday spirit is to give. And to be togheter, but I think I wish to be togheter with my family this year. A selfish spirit during Christmas and the Yuletide should not be. Humans don't just live for themselves. I don't believe in that. 

If this world would share more, it would be easier for the poor people to overcome the crisis. That's my opinion. 

I wasn't a complete grinch and I had a good morning due to small holiday shopping. (Action's thinks like me. If you plan four months ahead, at least you can be sure you have it on stock.) 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 12th off September, 2023.

 Good morning everyone, 

My curtains are closed, but so to hear the rain and storms from the forecast have started, and it softly has started to rain. 

*

It's ten past midnight, and I can't sleep. It's the second night my system has to get used to less Lorazepame. A calmth medication which causes people to get sleep. I have been on it for a week, to finally sleep. I have been doing quite bad these days. Maybe common people in the west sense what happens in Ukraine, despite it being this far away. That war has quite some impact on the world. Maybe that's the reason for getting little sleep. I'm exhausted, but I can't get sleep. I should call the Leviaan nightwatch. They will bring me a Lora and that will drag me to sleep. But sometimes, just to sit in the livingroom at midnight when this happens works for a while. Though it has been a relief to sleep previous week, to be honest. 

I have been discussing politics with the voice in my head. It probably makes no sense, but there are elections this Autumn. 

Lorazepame has an adictive effect. To kick off from it has side effects and after one week off being on it, I probably have that issue here with you tonight. 

*

8.40: 

My method off just to sit in the living room for a while and to blog, has worked. After half an hour I got this exhausted and decided to go to sleep again and I slept untill the sun was out. This morning it's Autumn weather. It somehow feels like Autumn today. There's something cooler in the air that says 'It's going to Autumn.' if you're sensitive for that. 

It's still 19 degrees celsius and it's not really cold. But it's a relief with yesterday, where it was 10 to 12 degrees hotter. I just had breakfast and morning medication, and I'm not tired despite to have slept late. It ended well last night. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 11th off September, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cloudy and warm. This morning started sunny annd bright. Tomorrow there will be thunderstorms according to the forecasts. 

*

I purchased a new laptop! To blog with this and it not to crash on everything goes incredibly smooth. My previous laptop dated from 2017 and was up for an update. It had even a key from it's keyboard to let loose. It's not to take everything sober, and we live in a crisis, but it was a need and I had small savings for occasions like this. To blog with this new machine goes smooth and nice. 

Let's do good things with this laptop: To order items among which stuff I'm about to donate, to write blood clumping weblogs, and to listen to even more great classic hits on YouTube. And to stay informed about the weather, my horoscope and The World. Without this, my evenings would all be the same and boring. 

I think it's an investment for the next upcoming years. And I had this with Back To School discount. I'm not going back to school, but the discount was nice. 

What else is there to share with you? 

Probably that I'm on a hormone pill to cause periods. And if they stay out, the doctor is going to prescribe it as a cure every three times a year. It's that bad with my menstrual bleeding. The doctor has to get involved. I'm having fertility issues, I've had them my entire life, and for a grown woman to bleed every three times a year, is highly preferable. Which I don't do. So I need a little help with that. 

And then these days, the last days off Summer 2023. I have to sit them out. To shower in the evening and morning coffee are the high points off my day. Other than that, in between, it's just to be inside behind my fan and survive. Trying to drink enough water and being on the internet a lot. I'm not build for tropical heath. On days like this I'm gratefull for summer dresses. And showers, and shower goods (I say goods since I shower with foam) to keep me clean and fresh. 

What do I do when I don't blog or facebook? Well, I love to indulge in music. Classics, and a lot off them for me, please. These never get old. And they're still the best.     

And I feel guilty a lot. Every day I have voices creeping up inside me from people who do less with money and wealth, telling me how they don't have what I've got and are jealouse. I'm not extremely wealthy, but I can live and I have the basics and things I consider good granted for me in life during this monkey crisis. (I'm not trying to sound like Steve Sic from Omnia. But it's downright scandalous, unhuman, crooked and vulgair these times.) And I'm good. I think I can survive this for a while while others don't anymore. I have voices in my head being jealouse at me. If I compare myself with a luxurious, modern suburb household, it's nothing what I've got. But for those on the minimum off life, it's more than they can afford. And I feel guilty on my governmental wage with my care home being granted for me. This post stamp home. It's the size off a match box. It's ancient. You can hear the neighbours loud and clear sometimes in this single person flat. But I have it. And I still have fresh coffee and food on the table every day. Some time not so long ago, everyone... well, you got it. And I have intuition whispering in it's going to take four winters for us to be in this. 

I just wish the voices would lay down or find their own luck. Instead off blaming me for purchasing essence make-up every now and then. and doing groceries every week. 

This summer, I have been quiting Wednesday Soup. I could not grant them being fit every Wednesday morning anymore, I was doing quite bad. I won't pick it up for a while anymore since I have to stand more firm on my own feet for now. I had a long period during summer where I felt awful. I'm doing a bit better these days. The summer vacation period has been a hard one for me. Life has been difficult because it lacked routine, and the program and staff where gone for a while. I do a bit hard on that. These weeks I'm almost fine again. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good morning at the 11th off September, 2023.

 Good morning everyone, 

Today the weather is sunny, bright and hot for a day in September. The Netherlands has a small heathwave behind the back, and today is the last day before it starts to thunderstorm tomorrow. 

*

I'm wearing a summer dress and flipflops. You would say Christmas is nowhere near, but we have to talk about it before it's too late. 

This year's Christmas I think the prices are going to be through the roof, and everything will be incredibly expensive. So here's the thing: Let's be sober with Christmas and work with what I've got on the shelves. And not only during Christmas, but during the entire fall / winter season. Let's safe out on Christmas and winter and be truly sober this entire season. It's not like No Spend Month, Though you can see it a bit that way. I am allowed to purchase, I am allowed to eat out, It's just that I'm going to take it very moderate this Christmas. I don't have kids or a partner, and mom and my brothers would not mind too much if I don't purchase them gifts this year. They are likely to understand. Especially during a crisis. It's no crime to safe out on gifts if you don't have children in my opinion. 

I have been setting money aside for Christmas poststamps and holiday cards. Somewhere around April I have been putting money in a bin to do so this year. I like to think ahead. So that's the only thing I'm likely to do: To send Christmas cards. Other than that, I'm going to re-wear winter clothes and use make-up and perfume I still got. There's no need not to celebrate Christmas at all. I have more than enough stuff from previous years and it would be a shame and a waste not to use it this year. 

Being expensive is NOT the holiday spirit. Jezus was born in a crib in a stable and lived his life sober and spare. Thinking off the poor people. To give, to share and to be togheter. THAT is the true holiday spirit. 

I'm going to do a christmas / Sinterklaas gift for de Boed's give away shop this year. Something they will really enjoy. A multipack off Zwitsal laundry wash, and a package off Zwitsal laundry softner for them. They have been requesting when I donated laundry wash to them. (It's our little secret for now. 😉  But they can't find this weblog and they don't understand English) But it's been too expensive for just an ordinairy give away. I haven't been donating multipacks in a while. But the Zwitsal stuff for the holidays (Zwitsal is a brand off baby care products. They conjoined Robijn with their smell for laundry stuff. Most people love it. But here they can't afford that.) is just perfect in my opinion. To give a gift to people who can use it. I have been thinking to put it in wrapping paper. But maybe that's a bit too much. Saving out is savig out, I can't say it other than that. And to be honest, people here don't care about the wrapping paper. It's just something unpractical in the way in their (Most fellow clients) opinion. If I would do it, that would be just for my own fun. If it's not a need, then why considering it anyway? I believe they would love the laundry wash and softner though. 

It's going to be a suprise for them this year. Other than that, nothing from that whole holiday circus for me, please. I got everything. Maybe I allow myself a Christmas cookie or chocolate. Other than that, nothing. 

I have the feeling I do good about that this year. Re-wear winter, and crabby Christmas. And spare new year. During the crisis, more than ever. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good morning at the 7th off September, 2023.

 Good morning everyone, 

Tonight my curtains are closed, which means I can´t see the weather outside for now. 

*

There is something I wish to share with you, it's been on my mind for quite some time. 

Muslims call it Sadaqua, It's part off Christian religion and Buddhists swear by it and say it has huge impact on your next lives. I mean charity. The art off donating goods, food and money to those who do less and share in your wealth. 

It's just that I haven't found only one pagan god or godess who rules charity. Donating items, to get human beings closer to the gods, is not part off western pagan religion and it lacks it. Especially in times like this. I feel close to god when donating items to the give away closet down the hall, But to say I donate for the holy father out off the name off the lord goes too far and is not what I seek for when trying to describe the holy feeling I get when sharing items with gratefull people who appreciate. Their gratefullness is my biggest reward, and it's truly a divine feeling I got from it. It's just that there is no god or godess who hits the nail on the head and claims it as theirs. Just like the feeling off compassion for the other. Whatever you do is returned three times back to you, but it's no feeling off compassion for a soul that's descripted. Compassion is the kind off chivalry you feel for someone when they do less in your eyes, but you wish to lend them a hand. Or the feeling to let someone go who has done wrong to you. For something that didn't matter at all to you. 

I think pagans are a bit selfish. I talk about the modern folks who say 'seize the day.' And live happily for themselves without looking after the other. It's a Christian habbit and I appologize if I offend someone with it, but it's been the Christians who came with that idea in western Europe. 

In christianity and all monotheistic religions, they await the return off the messiah to relief us from doom and our sins. Because they believe we can't do it ourselves and mankind is selfish to begin with. We can't help ourselves according to them. 

But what if they are wrong? What if mankind can take it upon them to free themselves from hatred and greed, and start truly practicing the good values and don't need Jezus Christ or the messiah anymore? Most off the time I have low faith in mankind either. Just another murder, just another war, just another act out off selfishness in the headlines off the news. Is there truly no hope for mankind? You'd start to believe they are all death rotten evil on the inside. But what if... 

What if there is still only a spark off hope,  and mankind can become a good society where everyone fullfills their part and accepts one another (To begin with) And start practicing good deeds and acts off kindness and works hard alltogheter to improve the world? 

Today I donated a toothbrush in the package from Colgate and a tube off Prodent cool mint toothpaste to the give away closet down the hall. My act off kindness today was donating a fresh breath and a groomed mouth to someone. Sometimes it's that simple, to do good. I have to be honest with you that I purchase these items in multipacks with huge discounts on the internet, and that I can miss a package or two sometimes. Not everyone has that luxury. But somehow I believe it's not hard, if you can afford, to step over your pride and your ego, and donate to poor people. 

These times are so selfish and egocentric, it's disgusting. And it's looked down upon to do something against it and do something at all for the other. To be honest, like with everything in my life, I follow my own path since I believe to give and donate is utmost good. The give away closet usually looks a bit empty. But I can barely turn my back and re-watch and my donations are gone. Lately I had two pumps off Dettol hand soap for the poor people off my small appartment flat. I got back to my home, and half an hour later when passing by they where gone. People can use my gifts. But somehow I would like to see there where more like me who could or who simply would donate. Maybe they should promote the whole idea off the give away closet to people. I like to believe the people who live in this building are too poor to donate something themselves, not selfish. Maybe they don't have the capacity to be able to miss something like I do with my huge stock in the storage room. (I should try to finish items first before purchasing something new. That's going to be the goal for the next half a year.) But still, if I receive a multipack off goods, I donate a package down the hall for those who can use it. 

I do so with shampoo, conditioner, showergel, bodybutter, toothpaste, laundry wash and softner, toothbrushes, and so on. I believe lately I made someone very happy with a shower foam. I have been doing so for quite some time. I do so for the grace off god and the gods and buddha. That almighty feeling I have inside when putting something in there. And the feeling I made people happy with it. It's good to give. 

It's just that pagans should have a god where this belongs with. To donate, to give, and to share. And examples (Tales and legends) off people who got rewarded for gifts. In my opinion, some things should be stated in as many religions as possible. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 3th off September, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today the morning was cold and cloudy, but the afternoon was bright and sunny. 

*

Today was the first day off re-wearing clothes I already own for this fall / winter. Previous year I decided to re-wear what I bought then to save money, I think I'm gratefull to myself as this crisis deepens. It doesn't hurt to skip out on fashion trends. 

I wish to share with you the story on how I got to an MRI-scan for my brain. Be aware, this is a medical blog. 

It started with a bloodtest where I turned out to have a prolactin level in my blood that's too high. Prolactin is the hormone women who had babies produce to produce mother's milk. And it's also caused by mental medication for some strange and dark reason. It was -this- high, I got send to a doctor in the hospital. They told me a certain lob in my brain could be over-producing this hormone, which resulted in another bloodtest to see if that hormone lob did not over-produce other hormones, but that test was negative. So they wanted to put me in MRI to check if that lob inside my brain was out off control. 

Let's be honest with you, an MRI-test is something I'm not likely to forget easily. It's quite a happening where you have to wear headphones and a modern harnas and lay inside a tube which trills and produces loud noises for about 20 minutes. I expected them to find something. Something out off control since I'm a mental patient and I expected something to be visible inside my brain, but there was nothing. No tumor, no cracks, no strange bone growth in the way- It all looked perfect. They also couldn't detect an imperfection inside that lob they have been screening on. Nothing. It feels strange since my head itches and cramps a lot, but as far as that goes- it's not something visible. 

They confirmed it's been my medication that caused prolactin enhigherment. Which kinda sucks. I don't do well on these, but to find something better and more inocent is probably a lot off hard work for the upcoming period. Medication change sucks and feels hard to cope with. I have been on a lot off diffrent medications the previous years. So another rollercoaster to go through with it- Is just too bad. And somehow they all seem to over-produce prolactin and overweight. I'm unfertile and fat as an elephant due to medication. But it can't be helped since I'm mental. 

Allright, that's what I wanted to share with you, aside to this being the first day off re-wear winter. 

That's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.