Good evening at the 28th off May, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's sunny outside but it's still a bit on the cold side. It's said temperatures will enhigher the upcomming weeks, and summer is finally there this month after a spring which seemed more like a gloomy autumn. It's cold and depressing outside. 

*

What is there to do but baking these days? I feel better if I do so. It's better for my mental state off welness so I'm not giving up on it for a long time soon. 

Today ended nice and summery. The weather is a promise for summer. 

My bloodtest went suprisingly well today. Most off the time I'm hard to prick but the person who took off my blood got it out pretty easy and that could be mentioned on the frontpage to a large news website. I hope, if there is anything necessairily to see, they pick up on that. In the Netherlands there is a wisdom where people say they rather want the lab to spot any defficiency in us if that's needed than there to be no news but continueing with what you struggle with. In the first case, at least it has a traceable reason for you to be sick and you can be treated from it instead off going on badly. I hope my results will be likewise if there is anything that needs to be treated. I'm exhausted over nothing. My energy is low and so is my motivation in life. It could be, according to my mental staff, due to medication levels. Or something else and that's what we're after, the main reason for being so tired and lifeless. Baking is perfect to keep me buisy and inspired, but now for the rest off life... It could be a sign my guardian angel is on my back again for letting the lab test go smooth today. I don't know why. I have a guardian angel who seems to help me with health issues at times when I pop them online. I would like to thank him for that. 

I decided on to skip going to de Boed today, except for dinner. I felt a bit cranky and wobbly after the bloodtest. I decided on to have coffee myself today in my own home and just take a rest. 

I have some kind off a feeling. I feel like I have been playing the card off the traited and abandoned woman for way too long in a certain case. I have been neglecting my overal look and most off the time I would advocate to look all natural, fresh and young- but I look like an exhausted old hag while not even being 30. My exhaustedness is almost my trademark when it comes to how I look. I hear people telling me every day 'You look incredibly tired.' 'You look like you could sleep incredibly well tonight.'  At times during the coffee moment in the morning I hear people adressing me 'Oh, are you sleeping?' I decided on to wish to look more lively and young, according to my own standard off beauty. Natural, fresh, lively, pure, well rested... I wish to treat myself a bit better and get over with the depressing gloom. Sometimes people have their life in their own two hands. I wonder how to get at the point where I want myself to without dwelling in foundation or concealer (Make-up) or maybe I'm about to use a hint off it, so to look more alive. There should be pills to make you feel more alive instead off being such an attack on your physicall well being and making you tired and lifeless a lot. Maybe sunshine and vitamins are going to help me. I'm not even 30 and I already start about the beauty off getting appearing younger off age. Today I put on a nice top with a sweet print instead off the usuall longsleeve. I moddeled my hair a bit and felt it was better than my average longsleeve. 

I feel literally tired off feeling like the victim off betrayal for years. I haven't hid in my own home, I do good things in the world outside, I basic wash and clean but I could start feeling better about myself simply by putting on something lively and free myself from that burden. I feel and look sucked out. All shine has been stolen from me somehow 4 years ago in 2017 after a long winter with my heart broken and my mind wrecked. To some it might have been as if nothing has happened, but to me it was a critical ramp I won't be over with soon. I believe I did well by cutting ties with the people who got me at that point. I could break out off their influence and try to feel more alive again. I deserve that. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.     

A box filled with goodness, and waiting for a test

 

Good morning everyone, 

I'm waiting for staff from SALT (The country's biggest organisation in bloodtests) to come over and prick me to take samples from my blood, like requested for every year if you are a psychiatric patient and like I might have told you- I hate those blood tests. Most off the time I have good results, however. So there is mainly little to worry about for me in that field, despite being morbid obese. I made the cookies shown above yesterday and they where good in taste. 

Allright, that's about it for now - 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 27th off May, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been a rainy and cold day with sunshine at the end. Finally. It's the end off the major lock down in the Netherlands. It's the end off the dark tunnel, resulting in sunshine hopefully. The upcomming days it will become summer all at once according to predictions and weather forecasts. Good grief, what a period. I decided I didn't want to end up depressed because off the crisis at the beginning. I didn't want to get myself down by it. Somehow I feel a bit sober and dark at this very end somehow. I believe I didn't do actually bad during the crisis year round. But I slipped over the last edge and now I feel down somehow. 

Today was a day off pick-me-ups. Life feels like it has been holding me back somehow and I need things to get me over with that. I had the urge to bake chocolate cookies this morning and I did so. My mental health care nurse tells me to do things more instead off me holding myself back and dwell in unhappyness. 

It's a matter off being low on money, being held back by restrictions off the crisis. myself, (I'm a tyke when it comes to being strict to myself.) The distance in the old part off tourist focused Zaandijk to shopping and fun areas, my lack off walking myself there, the bus that only goes by once in an hour and my idea somewhere that de Boed is good for my mental health somehow so I get myself there all the time at the coffee table with all the tension from other people who are there for their mental health. I doubt that more and more by the day but there is little else to go if you live in Zaandijk. It's somewhat depressing to walk around every day. Sometimes I feel the need to go walking outside and it's beautifull, but it's the same every day if I would walk it every day. That is kinda boring and there is no nature around here either, I couldn't take a walk in a park or a forest if I wanted to. Life is dull. 

I'm someone who likes to be inside a lot. I prefer comfy inside areas over going out because the inside is nice and safe and to my personal liking. I'm focused on decorating the small space I live in to my liking and keeping it on a level off pureness and somehow simplicity yet elegance that's to my personal inner peace and liking. On one hand, Sometimes peacefull pure serenity is boring as hell. On the other hand, I like to keep my own atmosphere inside and it feels nice most off the time though so inside I feel safe and all protected against the world outside. Just like on the terrain off Gortershof where we're all kept safe from the world outside. The feeling off peace is nice, it's just that sometimes I wish I had more to do without threathening my personal sanity as I can wreck that if I get myself a rank higher in life. Nothing is impossible nowadays. But to get myself in trouble somehow is not a good idea. 

To get myself over with that idea, I started baking again, it helped me this morning and it was a good idea to try out a new receipe for chocolate cookies with my baking skills. People need to be challenged in their skills to feel happy. No matter if it's something small you do. 

The entire Boed enjoyed them with their coffee this afternoon. Baking is something I haven't done a few weeks because off being fed up with de Boed's management for dinners during the weekend. I felt a bit powerless about it somehow. But I started a banana cake this week and that was an utmost succes. I felt stimulated to do more baking because off it. I need my Ikigai to feel good in life, appearently. I'm doing hard uploading a picture off the result to that baking. But that is about to come if you follow my blog. 

Allright, that's about it for now. Thank you for reading.  

  

Good afternoon at the 23th off May, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's cold and rainy outside, with here and there some breakthroughs off sunshine. Some cracks in the clouds today but it's still no nice weather.

*

Why do I keep track off the weather each day anyway you might ask. It's to show you my sense off reality. I might be schizo, but I'm perfectly aware off the world around me and I know what's happening for real. There's nothing wrong with me in the field off awareness about the world around me. I'm not sane, but I can tell the weather, how late it is, what day it is and what has happened in certain situations. I'm keen when it comes to that so be aware and try not to fool me. 

I happen to have no job at the moment. I'm unemployed and I don't know if it suits me or that I would do better trying to find a job (on volunteer base) in my surrounding. The upcycling was making me too tired and sucked out energy after a while so I quit. I believe soup making every wednesday morning is not enough and simply being present at de Boed for a day spending isn't challenging, though it's a challenge being there all the time and coping with fighting old hags (Male and female) and it's general numbness to be there. I could be gratefull I only have to do that while my head and my mind is leaking fluid instead off doing something above my head, but I feel I wish to do a bit more in life on an acceptable level. A job can be an incredible important part off someone's identity and sense off worth in life. 

I still make jewelry when I feel like it and I donate that to de Boed's outlet when it's finished, for them to sell. I barely do that and it's not enough to be called a job. But I don't want to make it look like I'm incredibly eager to get employed since I'm still coping with mental illness. I should moderate everything out when it comes to that as I don't want to overwork myself on any level either. I can't handle a serious ass job with what I got. I got what I need on hand when it comes to basic needs, but maybe I could make it a little more and bring it to a level where I regain energy from what I'm doing instead off feeling empty and sucked out by the day. 

Allright, that's it for now. 

Thank you for reading.       

Good evening at the 21st off May, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold, cloudy, windy with here and there some rain. Cold winds blow among the Netherlands. It's a good day to stay inside and make yourself and those among you applepie with cinnamon and raisins. But that isn't what I have done today. I decided on to get away from de Boed and spend this Pentecost weekend with my family and visit them. We're not religious so we don't celebrate it, but it's a holiday in this country and I simply wanted to be with them this weekend. It's important to see your family every often. 

my head is still leaking. I haven't had any issues ever since I got here with my family, but somehow I suspect as soon as I am back home at Gortershof in Zaandijk, I will start leaking on the inside again. under my skin it feels as if big drops and lots off fluid is leaking somehow. It's a nasty feeling- especially at night when you want to sleep. I don't know if it's blood or another body liquid and I have never heard off something alike in other people. Something nasty is wrong, and General Practice can't lay a hand on it. They told me to see my mental health care staff more, because they think they can help me and it feels so frustrating to feel powerless in my own skin about this. I wish there was a true diagnosis to help me off the leakages for real. I'm afraid I don't trust it, and I'm not content with what GP does about it. I'm afraid they'll lay this aside as too unimportant. Like a lot off cases nowadays or 'let her mental staff handle this.' What am I to do about it? I worry. 

I feel relief to have escaped Gortershof for a while. I feel like I can breathe in fresh air here and feel less on my last leggs when it comes to it. Protected living in a demanding surrounding is stressfull. I'm glad with a weekend off.  

I helped my mom preparing classic Dutch vegetable soup with some additions from my hand. We made a perfect pot off soup today. During my quarantine (I was tested negative. I don't have Corona) I wasn't allowed to prepare Wednesday Soup at de Boed this wednesday but still I had the possibility to make it. We'll have our soup tomorrow. Soup making is fun and I think my overhelming off my audience with some stories about it will continue. *sarcastically* Who knows I might bore them. I'm fully aware that I have not much audience but I don't care about that. I like to write and publish anyway. 

What if someone is about to find this one day in the far away future and wants to make a movie about my life? It's an interesting story. A girl in her 20's falls in psychiatric health care after a rough period, struggles, and then dedicates her life to cooking for fellow patients in psychiatric health care where she lives a scary and heavy life. It's not a bad plot, (It's not finished yet either.) but maybe I'm not the right person to write you my own life as I write wordy. Aside to that I can't share too much details as fellow patients and staff would not like me to. I doubt they'll let this entire weblog excist if they ever find it. But I don't want to get more in trouble by leaving details about them out. They are not knowing about it. I have been writing for a while, though. I never tell most people I have this. I doubt I ever have to. At least life is not boring for me, but is it truly good for me? I doubt that too. Life can't be good for you if you live it like me. I like to believe it's for my mental health, but I don't believe protected living, with demanding people and annoying fellow patients like I do does truly well. I believe a normal surrounding with people I love would be better but I can't manage to get myself at that point. I try to make the best out off life every day as good as I can, though. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.  

    

This world needs you, despite you might be single and feel worthless.

 Good evening everyone, 

I believe, when you are not ment for romantic love, you are probably ment for the greater good off the world somehow. A lot off people who do so well at their job aren't married or in a romantic relationship, but are perfect workers and leaders at their work place, helping and guiding others simply because they have time for that. 

I believe, if I'm not ment for romantic love- I'm ment to help other people somehow. People who think life is dark and meaningless should make that a purpose. To help others and try their best to be there for the world. Be a light in the darkness that surrounds us, and make the best off it. It's good for both you and the world outside. Not caring is a bad trait and bullying others is even more so. Follow your heart, try to define your dreams and make something out off life. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Do you still believe in miracles, my dear?

 Good evening, 

Today started cloudy and a bit rainy but ended sunny. It was one off those days. I haven´t been outside since I have been tested on Corona for having a cold. It should be frontpage news if I caught Corona despite being vaccinated. I hope I haven´t. 

*

Today I found out Hector Dexet is author to a children's book 'who ate the ladybug.' But it wasn't what I was looking for. 'Oei, wie heeft Stipje opgegeten?' in het Nederlands, But it's not my genre, I'm a bit too old for that kind off literature. The author looked like a younger version off Johnny Depp however and was good to look at, but I refused. I'm not going to chase him. Hector the ladybug in my mind, however, is a diffrent story. Common people would probably consider that inspiration for a children's book either but I won't go after that. It would make me immature. Hector is fictional and a mindtrick probably. 

Back to the title to this weblog. Miracles do happen. Sometimes when we're most desperate, there is a good chance that we, ordinairy souls with common purposes, no matter how wealthy or poor we are, will be saved by some kind off hand to get us back up in life. It's what we need. When life happened to me, I was miraculously safed a few times. Especially when it comes to housing or getting a place to live despite it being a massive crisis out there for people who can't have an affordable home, and there are many, many my age. Sometimes good things happen and I have gained some off it. 

Love, on the other hand, what this weblog would be mainly about, hasn't knocked on my door for real since forever and I won't believe it will. My part off luck was probably in getting a good home, but maybe I'm forecasting a bad omen if I keep on believing love won't be my part. But it's incredibly hard to believe it will after all. I don't accept anything but someone who is a perfect match for me. I haven't truly found someone like that. I'm too serious for vague flirts. I sense it's not my time for love and I keep myself safe by staying away from drama in this time and place off being. I feel a bit locked up in myself and left over since I'm an old spinster by the age off 28. I never have had a relationship and I come off to myself as someone who will stay left over for a while. Sometimes you got to play hard and distant to stay safe. But it feels better than to give myself to just anyone or falling into wrong hands. A woman alone should use her mind, after all. I just wish I had diffrent things to remember in my youth. It all came down wrong, and stone cold and lonesome. 

To protect yourself is the best thing a woman can do when she has to take care off herself, but cold loneliness and the feeling off not having someone worthit is the price. I'm willing to pay it since I like to keep myself safe and sound and protect myself from the wrong hands. 

Psychiatric health care is no place for a prince charming. I don't like the idea off having a fellow patient since they are unpredictable and like me, too unstable for good things. I keep my distance from trouble when I see or feel it. It's not my thing. Back in my youth I was unatractive and unwanted. Nowadays I act acoy to keep myself out off trouble. Like I told you, I live like a nun in a monestary when it comes to it but it's for my own good. Do I still believe in miracles you ask. Probably not in this time and place where I have to deal with too many issues and prudeness isn't a bad trait for me today. I just wish, I wish upon a star-  a good love won't be off afar. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you all for reading.   

I have a cold

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been one off these days where it started rainy but it ended sunny. Days are like this a lot this month. The national lockdown has been lightned up and all shops are open again. The vaccines seem to get Corona under control, finally. 

*

I couldn't enjoy the weather, however. I had a moment for myself while being in quarantine at home. I happen to be vaccined, but I have a serious cold today. I mentioned it while I got to the office to get my medication and they put me in personal quaratine again. Luckily I will be tested tomorrow and hopefully the result will come soon to free me from quarantine again. I don't mind having to stay at home, actually, I enjoy being in here and I have been very buisy these weeks with appointments so I took today as a day to rest a bit. Being sick is not the best reason for a day off, but I need it. I'm probably going to take the entire week off to get cured from this cold if I need it. 

There was a time and place where you where a wimp if you took off the entire week to cure from colds. That was something for men, not for responsible women at their plight. They only took off if they had at least 42 degrees off celsius fever or so. Women where true superheroes and they still are. My supervisors as far as I have them are mainly women, and this part off the country is strongly emancipated and depends on working women. I'm proud off it. 

It probably prevents a lot off gossip, jealousy and complaining over every little pain you have if you have your own function and responsible plight. I wish I could join the workforce and do my duty among them. I'm not the one to easily complain about pains or problems. I had to when I got schizophrenic and had to tell the world simply to warn them somewhat or to explain what I had, ever since being handicapped I had to seek serious help with life and got over that kind off shame, but a true modern superwoman in this area off the Netherlands barely complains. She makes fun off her life, cracks jokes instead off complaining, is a bit shameless in her words and manerism but is highly dolled up and feminin, has a loving man by her side and got out off life what she wants. 

I envy that. I rather have / would have had a satisfying career than a family with children off my own. I don't feel heartless about it since I love the family I have, (I'm not married or a mother, but I still have my brothers and my own mother.) but I mainly need a field where I can prove myself somehow. I'm simply ambitious but I use my drivenness for other fields off my life nowadays like my creativity. I would have loved to cause world peace with what I got but I ended up colouring mandala's instead and I like to keep on improving in the field off colouring and jewelry making. 

Previous week I made a bunch off earrings (I forgot to picture them) and donated them to de Boed's outlet shop. I donate stuff for free but I do that to keep on improving my personal skills. Like donating banana cake for free.

I bake because I love to bake and love to improve my baking skills. It gives a sense off fullfillment to make people happy with what I got. fullfillment, admiration and appreciation feel a lot better than a cranky man on the couch who wants life his way and who chagrins about every 'abnormality' you consider creativity and who simply doesn't understand. That would not be to my liking. Being a creative and colourfull soul comes with people's lack off understanding here sometimes. But mainly I cover what kind off a weirdo I am by only showing them the good things. Banana cake is something that always got their appreciation. Luckily, just like bringing new pasta receipes and desserts to the menu by having the urge to cook Italian and a bit fancy sometimes. 

About their mindset on things they aren't familiair with, for example, simply playing songs they've never heard off, no matter if it's an artist they're a fan off, is a bridge too far for some if you come up with that. Sometimes it takes a bit braveness to bring new things to the menu. Like fresh soups with a lot off fresh garlic people considered not to their taste, but the way I prepare them they think it's divine. I got my neighbour liking all varieties to things she thought she wasn't into. She told me she prefers more traditional cooking and basic Dutch kitchen, but as far as that went, She loves everything I make so far.  

My adventures in the kitchen are over as far as that goes, since de Boed lacks in staff and is underemployed in the weekends. They can't find people to help me with cooking and I bale about that. I loved cooking for them and making myself off use while living here and helping them cope with the crisis. I'm only allowed to prepare wednesday soup every wednesday as far as that goes. 

I'm a bit held back when it comes to cooking during the main week as it's more busy on those days and people act stressed if you ask too much off them on those days. Life doesn't give you much out off it when they knot your Ikigai. Cooking food for people and cooking in general is my Ikigai and what I got energy out off in daily life. I bale that it's been made impossible this way to keep on practicing my dearest hobby each weekend in their kitchen. 

Today I practiced my hobby at home by making myself banana Nicecream with frozen raspberries I had bought before. I felt like trying that and it was to my liking, though I adjusted two tablespoons off honey extra to the receipe where it requires only one. But it was a tasty and healthy dessert. Based on fruits and sweetened with honey. I love the wide use off bananas as a replacement for bad stuff in a lot off sweet things. I could get even more skilled by trying more methods to bake healthy stuff instead off baking traditional. I feel inspired to try so and to prepare perfect sweet foods that aren't fattening. 

Allright, that's about it so far. Thank you for reading.             

This week's highlights.

 Good evening everyone, 

Yesterday, the weather was perfect. It was sunny but not too warm. I have even been sunbathing in de Boed's backyard with my fabulous summer outfit on. Silver ballerina's under a khaki harem pants decorated with several diffrent prints and a soft pink t-shirt with short sleeves on top off that. I felt all in style yesterday somewhat, as sweet as a modern day princess. Being in style is something I only mildly care about these days, but I was glad it looked nice with my new dark hair colour. 

Sometimes my neighbour complains about style combinations I make that seem to be to her critical disliking. I did my best yesterday and she agreed it was a good combination. There was a time and place I used to care much more about how I looked. Nowadays I care more if my clothes are appropriate yet nice and if I have enough (affordable) shirts to change every often if I spill something on it. My winter wardrobe has been undergoing a change this winter, but mainly when it's cold I wear darker colours and mainly high cut longsleeves with a cool print or plain longsleeves which I fall back on when it's dark and gloomy weather like always. Neighbours mind less if you look plain compared to looking a bit more out off style when you dare a bit more. Today my green top combined with my mossy green vest was to her liking. I have been shopping new vests. I take good count off the gloomy weather this year. Yesterday on ascension day the weather was perfect, but today was more off a 'You'd better invest in vests and longsleeves.' gloomy day. It was grey and cold. It's said we will have this type off weather for about 5 days in a row. 

Up to the good things this week. 

     

I have been colouring this with new markers. It's a mandala with diffrent shades off green and some area's off bright orange and yellow. It was a perfect project to practice new markers. I finished it today and it took me an evening to make a start up and this afternoon to fill in the main parts. I barely had delusions while colouring this. I tried this just for fun. 

 

Black and white photography, almost. I invented the cake receipe myself, just as the combination to the white cream cheese topping on top. I'm delighted with myself as this topping can go a long way as a frosting and it's easy to make. Maybe I have been inventing something that has been out for a long time already but it doesn't do less on the taste off it. I have been compositing these alltogheter for my family to have been on a visit to me. I had a nice day with them on tuesday and I felt all warm and nice after they had been at my place. my mother and my old grandmother. I still have a grandma. She's old and in good health. She's someone to be proud off and she's modern. She has the spirit off an explorer and she has traveled the world in her younger days. She's the typical description off her starsign, the Aquarius: Modern, loving to travel, open minded, sensitive, critical on everything and she does well on her old age. She loves to try every new thing that has her interest and she keeps up with the world. She comes off as if she could grow to her hundreds with that kind off spirit. She's creative and she can sing. 

we're not much alike, but I do appreciate her. I don't look like her side off the family and I heired my dad's side more. I made her these cakes and it was to her liking. I was a bit slack in preparing them lunch, so we ordered food. It was not much off a problem to have Turkish takeaway for lunch for them. Next time when I feel better it's on me again. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.   

No amount off make-up can mask an ugly heart

 Good evening, 

The title to this blog is a buddhistic proverb. In the matter if I'm pro or contra make-up, I would say I mainly don't wear it, but every often I feel like looking a bit better and then I wear it but that's mainly for a day or two. It's not a permanent thing with me and I feel perfect by it. Why should women have to wear make-up all the time? I'm one off those people who prefer kindness over being made up. It's something rare sometimes nowadays, but I would dare to say a lack off compassion doesn't make someone actually a beauty. That what shines from within is much more important. 

I prefer being clean and clean people who do groom themselves a bit over real time slobs who look filthy, but fake is a diffrent story and somehow I believe I am actually somewhere in between. It feels better than to have to wear make-up and being forced to fullfill some exhausting stupid standard that's made up by media. Why even bother following that? No make-up feels more like me but at the moment I feel like wearing it a bit more. I start seeing a pattern in myself and I highly doubt on following that. Make-up is not forbidden for buddhists, but I feel like looking with your heart at people and knowing in your soul someone is a good person is much better. I dare say!  

Thank you for reading. 

What could be leaking according to GP

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was the perfect example off why this country is actually still somewhat off a swamp. It was rainy and thunderstorming all the time while it was pretty warm (Almost summer temperatures) outside. It was a strange kind off weather today. It was the perfect day to be a frog. Unfortunately, I'm not a frog. 

*

I have been inside de Boed most off the time, or I did house chores like folding my laundry and doing dishes and wash up my kitchen. I have been baking banana cupcakes for de Boed yesterday and I made them a lot. (Banana cupcakes are made from a basic banana cake receipe I use a lot, but then baked as cupcakes which means in small portions on 180 degree celsius in the oven for 15 minutes.)  

So, up to the main subject to this blog: what has been leaking? My doctor has been seeing me wednesday and she told me it could be something from out off my skin as it didn't look like something nasty from my skull or what I feared most, a tumor. It wasn't something dangerous according to her but I still felt a bit anxious and weary about it. She told me she would contact my mental healthcare staff about that. The good news is that I'm not about to die soon. I forgot what the strange patch on my forehead could be according to her. I had that patch for quite some time, but after the leakages it seems to be gone. It sounds a bit stupid as I write this. I was truly concerned about myself. The doctor couldn't take my concern away, however. I don't know how this will end. I'll probably have contact with my mental health care staff about this. I don't know if I need a second opinion or something to calm my nerves. 

I dyed my hair a warm shade off brown one weekend ago, and somehow I don't know if I did well on that. My muse for beauty is spontaneousity and youth. I wish to look pure and unmade somehow. I feel well with that, I was a natural blonde without make-up but with gorgeous skin and eyebrows. With dying my hair I felt the urge to start wearing more make-up. I feel a bit held back in my actions and being myself when it comes to it and when I look at myself in the mirror. Is this what I want to be? I don't look ugly with how I made myself look by it. But I prefer pureness and the shine off a good heart over being made up. It's after all what's more important in life. Nerves make people do weird things. I have been hoarding darker shades off haircolour in the period when I still wore that a lot. I decided on buying some recently to dye my blonde locks warm brown with a red shine (golden brown) and wear that some time to get out off darker hairdye. The result, according to care takers and people in general, is stunning. But I doubt. I look like a brown haired bombshell these days. There isn't any good man for me in sight, but I look gorgeous. I don't feel myself being myself, however. Being yourself is what this era and the mindset off people is all about nowadays and I agree. I had to find out by dying my hair darker what it means to me. I almost feel fake and that's not my style. Why should I put up with this? I believe I'm going to wait untill this unnatural haircolour fades and then go back to something which feels more natural to me, and more close to myself. 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading.      

 

de Boed is re-organizing furniture

 Good night everyone, 

Somehow I don't like how it's done, how certain corners in the building are changing places and how the whole large room where everything happens is turning upside down these weeks and they are still moving stuff around. I feel like just having coffee there and then go off back home, back to peace and serenity. I will wait untill everything is done and they are done cleaning up with that. I could use more sleep so it's not a bad idea to be at home a bit more and take it more easy in life as far as that goes. I'm telling you this during a Corona lockdown and a mundial crisis, but health centres are open to function and my life has been going on like always. 

It's now my time to take some me-time and a few weeks off, and hopefully get a diagnose for brain leakage and become more rested, avoiding too high levels off stress compared to what could happen if I would be there this week. Peace and calmth are a priority for psychiatric patients.

Allright, that's about it for now, Thank you for reading.  

Something went leaking in my head

 Good night everyone, 

Warning: This is going to be a medical blog, it's not the kind off story to tell everyone as those who are sensitive among you might not like such a story. 

Today was sunny with periods off cloudyness and it was cold. It's cold for May this year but maybe this where common temperatures before global warming and May has become cold because there are less cars out on the road due to Corona and people having to stay at home much more this year, but I'm no scientist so I can't tell you with certainty. This is just something to wonder about. 

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This weekend  something scary happened in my head, I felt drops off fluid leaking from out my forehead across my face but it happened on the inside instead off there being something visible on the outside. It didn't hurt, it was just scary as hell so I called Leviaan's night service which told me to go back to bed that night. The next day I contacted my health care staff who said nothing could be done about it since it was the weekend. It went even more scary the next sunday since I felt some large patch on my forehead went leaking almost empty across my face on the inside. I'm lucky to be still alive, but I got Amnesia easier. I forget what I read in the newspaper the minute I lay it aside or I forget what I discussed with people but I'm still walking around and capable to move myself. 

Today we called General Practice and I have an appointment for wednesday. Luckily this was to be taken serious as it's not a sign off delusions for me to have a physicall issue. My delusions are more about being the reincarnation to a diseased world leader, politics, or who I am and where I come from. Something physicall isn't my usual repertoire so they took it serious. I'm a bit on my guard and I feel nervous about it. What if I happen to have some sort off a tumor on that place? It could be, anything could in this time and place off being in the world. Everything is possible in that field but I prefer to use that theory for something positive like creative cooking. In that field everything is possible too, and there are new inventions by the minute like zuchinni spaghetti, or banana peel curry which I'm not eager to try, but everyone for their own and zuchinni spaghetti I do want to try. 

Allright, my forehead is leaking fluids. I took off today from Monday Grocery shopping and decided to bake my famous dried prune and white raisins quark cake for de Boed for tomorrow. That I can manage. Doing the dishes afterwards still feels impossible and has to wait untill I feel like I got energy or will-power for that. I still feel almost paralyzed from leaking out off there and the process off trying to do chores went a bit wrong. I did manage to put laundry in the machines however, but at the point where I'm supposed to fold it I went spake. I'm sorry to the Leviaan team for that. They are trying a new method on me to get me to do daily chores but it's hard to follow that on regular days. Let alone on weekends / days like this. (Part off mental health issues is that you do hard on doing house chores. I'm close to impossible on that.) 

I have to take it more slow in life if I wish to continue, but maybe I should await what the doctor says about leaking foreheads. I wish something would show so she can diagnose me better. It's going to be hard when it's invisible and maybe it was blood or brain fluid, which can be dangerous for my system. Something tells me I won't be off off being a psychiatric patient any time soon. What is there to do if something leaks in your head anyway? 

Allright, I'll continue this story soon. 

Thank you for reading.  

I'm not like that

 Good evening everyone, 

The weather changes by the hour, it's sunny and then cloudy, and then sunny again. But it's not warm today. Japanese cherry blossoms are blooming and it's a pretty sight at the garden outside. 

*

I wish to state something about myself, I'm not a slut and I feel such pain when people point that at me. I don't like to be degradated that way since I'm actually rather prude and down to earth when it comes to it. As far as I'm aware off, there has never been any incident with me misbehaving anywhere. I have been on the good side for years while Vana and it's men have been on the evil side against me for ten painfull years and nobody ever stood up for me. They all behaved like sheep following a leader. And they still do. I feel better to have escaped them and stand on my own feet again. I live in a free country so I can wear owls on my shirt too. De uil zat in de olmen bij het vallen van de nacht, en achter gindse heuv'len, daar riep de koekoek zacht 'Koekoek!'. I feel like being the owl in the olms while they can't push themselves on the frontline enough to call me crazy and treat me that way. It's actually quite pathetic and shamefull off them to have been behaving like that all the time while you'd expect much better from them. I have seen it all, I have witnessed it all. In my freedom, I choose to leave and never come back since that would hurt me too much like it has always done. In my freedom, I choose not to follow them anymore since their rules and social morals have changed into something I can't find myself in any longer. I can't see the fun in the fantasy part anymore with such things going on on events, and nobody listening to me and taking me serious. It hurts and I don't want to be the victim to that. I'm mature and strong enough to choose my own path and leave. They called me a slut too much, they thought calling me a whore was cool, but I couldn't take it anymore and after something happened, I choose for myself. Despite all the hurt since leaving went with a proces off hurt and I had to find the strength in myself to go but I couldn't go on the way it was. I'm not a coward, I'm not a prissy, I'm not a slut. I'm probably too mature for them to take. It was too much to take on my shoulders and I'm no scape goat in a herd off blind sheep. I rather leave. It has hurt but it's over. 

How am I for real? 

I'm down to earth, I'm not a push over, I'm original and prude. I don't want people to go beyond my borders and if you do so I fight back. I rather wear high collars than decolletés, I dress simple yet classy and elegant for someone my size. I prefer pants over skirts, I wear flat shoes and I try to relativate the world with humor. I used to think I could do some cabaret, but when I try to crack a joke out loud, people barely understand half off it. So nowadays I rather keep shut not to offend people or to get weird looks from their faces. I wonder how I ever got to the reputation off a slut. If I had the choice between eating as much as I want without getting fat, or finding a man, I choose the first option. I love good foods and to prepare them. Men are a bit difficult sometimes and they are incredibly picky on women nowadays but I couldn't care less about litterally not fitting their standard. I feel uneasy having to change myself for 'love.' or 'lust.' So I don't do so. I prefer to be myself and let it all pass me by so I can walk at my own speed in life. I don't need a love partner. I need health care in the first place and a good man would run hysterically out off the collective room to de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk if he would try to dive in to it. 

People are mad, anti-social and unmannered. I'd be ashamed if prince charming would step off his valiant steam and enter the building. I can't see it happening but I learned to live with it. People are a bit filthy if they become psychiatric patients but that's due to not caring about being groomed or what's appropriate anymore when you're in for a while. It's not fancy or hip and happening, or even on a normal standard off what's appropriate sometimes. I got a thick skin, I learned to live with it but I can understand if you're a picky, ten out off ten or above man, you'd be ashamed by it and that's why I choose men not to be my main concern but to get healthy and try to get better from schizophrenia and delusions. I'm at a point where delusions got less but they are still there. Especially when I'm alone at night. I still need psychiatric health care and that's also part off what I truly am: A psychiatric patient. I don't get why people from fantasy events downgrade me and hate on me so much. Life is bad enough already so far and I could do without all the bullying from strangers and mean people in the streets. I fight enough battles in real life. Some people would not believe me about the bullying, but it happens and it goes too far as far as that goes. It's one off the reasons I choose to quit fantasy events since the bullying hurts too much comparing it to good memories. It stings. 

Back to the point, how am I for real? Food loving, witty, creative, I love bald colours and outstanding clothes, I believe in mannerism in social traffic and I behave like an example in real life. I believe good mannerism opens doors for people and that's how I got to this place, by behaving soft and sweet without extentive agression or rudeness. I'm sensitive for that. I believe you get more things done from people if you behave well. And it feels better to behave soft and receive soft behaviour in return. That's how it mainly is. I'm not a bitch in real life. I don't like to be treated that way. Though I stand up for myself as that is always a good thing and I keep my personal borders in sight as that is not a bad thing either. 

I believe in comfy clothes, I prefer to go without make-up or with soft make-up which is never overdone. I hate too much make-up though I can do good make-up on myself if I feel like it. I believe in good personal hygiene though and I love to smell good. I prefer dark colours in my clothes as a base and then pick some lively items to stand out and make it look chique alltogheter. I don't wear much jewelry, though I wear earrings every now and then and I love cool earrings. I love nail polish and I wear that a lot. I almost holy believe in not being 'overdone.' in your look. It makes me look chique according to some. I'm fat and I wear glasses. I would be blind without them. If I would have to pick a few words to describe myself it's 

Fat-Sensitive-Wishing to prove myself - Chique- Disabled- Responsible- Misunderstood. 

I don't like the image people put up about me and how they treat me and gossip about me all the time. I hate it. I don't fear to stand up for myself and say something about it. I have always wondered why they do that and why they keep up with that for so long. What is their reason behind it? They're probably jealouse and wish to truly get me down somehow. Break my spirit since they fear me and all the cliches about that are probably true. I don't like them. Some people need to look at themselves before they even attempt to judge me as they don't know me. I prefer to stand up for myself instead off staying quiet and let it happen. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.