Good evening at the 29th off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was warm, clear sky changing with clouds but it was not unacceptable warm. 

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This morning was for coffeeservice. It was a good morning with happy people because I served them their coffee today. I made the staff glad because I gave them space for serving coffee (Which they didn't have to do today. de Boed is a little under employed and they think it comes in handy for me to help them with morning coffee) And I had compliments over my coffee (They think it's good what I brew them.) Which also helps in feeling good about myself. 

After coffee serving I took part in a volunteer lunch. A lunch arranged by de Boed to thank their volunteers. It's a generous thing off them and they wish to arrange one every two months or so. So it's validated what we do. Who needs Vana Events if you can be a volunteer every week? For a thankfull crowd, with understanding bosses. It does good for me to participate my way.

This week's soup was a receipe from the Soup bible which they named 'Spanish chickpea soup with leek.' I adjusted fresh rosemary to it from the garden. The kitchengarden is a mess this year, but they have a rosemary bush which grows just wonderfull and which almost asked to be used for my soup. 

After the volunteer lunch I went home for a visit from General Practice. I'm not feeling like sharing details since it's my breast area. But she said it would cure and it was no cancer, like I thought. Aside to that, I wish to opt for a bloodtest since I'm so incredibly tired each time. It's a good thing to be checked on that. I'm so tired sometimes, it's at the level off a sick person while I don't have Corona or fever when they check me on that. I'm not doing well to be honest. I feel so tired despite I sleep as good as possible with the Lorazepame latened. But sometimes I just wake up tired and sleep did nothing for me the night before. 

It goes with ups and downs. One time I feel allright and almost on my old level off feelings, but most off the time I'm just tired, feeling down and have a nasty feeling inside my head. All off that gives me a depressed feeling most off the time. I'm not cheerfull and usually I seek distance from other people when I'm not feeling well. I prefer to avoid company when I feel like that and be more on myself. Though yesterday was for a complaint at the care office. Today I'm going to do so again. They don't hear it often. - But I could complain a bit more to them when I don't feel well. I feel such a headache at the moment and I feel so tired all the time. Sometimes it's luck to live low-profile without much to do in a week and during a day. (Doesn't count for today, but life is not overly buisy at the moment.) I could complain about care takers changing all the time and there not being a replacement for those on vacation. Raise your voice! As how they might say. 

So, I'm a bit on myself these weeks. I avoid crowdedness and at the same time I feel life is empty and boring for me, which also leads to frustration. I try to be such a good and helpfull person, and I don't live sober or poor but still- It feels so empty and boring. I miss my family and though neighbours are nice, I still don't have good friends in my surrounding. caretakers and fellow clients are all nice and do their best, but I find it hard to befriend people. I don't have real friends anymore. Aside to mentally hard and physically painfull, life is lonesome and boring for me. Being helpfull fullfills, but it's not a lasting feeling anymore. It's still important to be helpfull in my opinion, but despite I do that, I'm still feeling down a lot. I could be more gratefull for life in general- but I'm not mature enough to think like adults. I need more off a challenge not to grow more depressed than I already am. It's hard. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.