Good evening at the 29th off October, 2023. 2.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was grey, rainy and cold. Only a few rays off sun in the late morning. 

*

I don't know who else has this problem, it's just with everything that surrounds us, I have such issues with trusting mankind. It's as if I can't have mercy with my enemies anymore, no more pity with others as much as I used to, and woe if I start to enlow myself on behave off someone else. It's like nowadays I'm in survival mode due to the crisis and the war. Usually I live with other people and it's a sense I feel in my heart. (Not to mock you or sound too sweet, but it was true.) 

These days, everything is so dark, I somehow lost faith in mankind and I feel less willing to help others and stand by them. Instead off donating laundry wash and softner for everyone, it was just a bottle off each for a friend, and the rest off it was for me and me only and is stored in my storage room. I'm talking about the Robijn Zwitsal I was planning for Sinterklaas. But de Boed has handled another package off more ordinairy Robijn softner so retarded and stupid, I'm not willing to donate anything to them anymore. Due to a conflict, it's just one bottle off each multipack to the give away closet down the hall and one off each to my friend. And the give away shop can forget about it.

It's so dark sometimes how people handle things, and my goodness in general. I don't know if it's good to work with my elbows a bit more, but on the other hand, I'm good untill St. Juttemas with laundry wash and softner for a very long time now. Maybe I should keep it at that and not stick my head above the cornfield anymore and donate. It's as if de Boed doesn't know how to handle it anymore with such donations. Let's simply not do that anymore. No matter how shiny their eyes are when requesting it. My friend requested, she got it in person. Not everyone anymore. 

On the other hand, it's perfect in a crisis year for stupid old me, always low on money and living on governmental wage and luck. Let's keep the whole thing and smell divine next year. On top off all the stuff that's in the storage room. It's a bit selfish, but I think it's a good idea. Though sometimes I'm still a bit soft and high in my head. Today was for donating lavender shower foam and body butter from storage down the hall. One package each, but the person to have found it is lucky this month. 

Mankind... It's not due to the conflict with the give away shop I lost faith. It's just crisis and war in the news, and people grow more poor each day here. We're a bunch off strange old cowboys here in the poor area off the north west off the Netherlands. I don't expect the crisis to be over soon. We're going to have to handle it a few more years. Despite everything. It's hard. I'm not the only one here gritting her teeth. I wish it was over soon, and things would go back to normal for everyone. Especially for poor people like us. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 29th off October, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cloudy, grey and stormy outside. It's depressing Autumn weather. 

*

I know for people like Natasha I'm death. She avoids and ignores me like the plague and pretends I don't excist anymore, just like the others. I suppose they don't even read the 'Vana goes bankrupt.' prediction from previous post, while it's important. I don't know if they can still afford internet. That could also be the case. 

To some, Natasha van der Stelt is holy and sacred, to me, she's just a stupid cunt who treats me like shit. I can't think off her pretentious and arrogant ass as holy. I don't like the downright snob. I never liked her to begin with. I think off her as a big hypocrit. 

She should READ these weblogs instead off sticking her head in the sand and pretent it's not there. Just like the news and the inflation. She is offcourse a free being, but nowadays  I think off her as a stupid being, not being informed about the world and not caring enough. A woman is only as wise as her surrounding likes to make and see her. She's just another arrogant snob, and nothing more or less than that. 

I could spend my energy and time a million times better than over-thinking about her and having issues with her, but it's there and I feel troubled over this stupid wife off the head organizer. I suspect her to be jealouse off me. And un-emancipated and fake. I could throw mud on her illiteral face an entire weblog long. I hate her that much. And she hates me, too. She has done violence to the whole sacred, emancipated vieuw on women in modern Dutch paganism. I can't say it other than that. She and her whole fake 'Rather be an innocent housewife than a kick-ass bitch.' Attitude. I hate it. She's not modern enough for what she does, but rather throws them 200 years back in emancipation. It's just too bad. And then the gossip, the lies and behind the elbow-tactics with them. In your face is too rude, but below the belt everything is accepted so it seems. And that's not it. It's just not it. She's not cool. 

 I should not fear her anymore. Let's be brave, honest and do the right thing about it. 

Vana Events is corrupt. You better don't believe them. They are fake and gossip a lot about people. I see myself as too honest to get along with it. The World should know about it. They are going to tell you I'm mad and schizophrenic, but that's not about it with it. It's them and their massive stupidity these days and it has always been. I think it's about time people are going to listen for once. This is not Schizo, it's the truth. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 28th off October, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been cloudy and cold sweater weather. With here and there a rainshower. 

*

If this was a gossip magazine, a tabloid, with famous celebrity scandals, then what would I make it's headline for this evening? 

***

CASTLEFEST DISCONTINUED, 

VANA EVENTS GOES BANKRUPT, MARK DWELLS IN SCANDALL, NATASHA STILL PLUMPED IN EXPENSIVE MAKE-UP. 

I have to tell you the next: If Vana Events continues the way they have always been, they will go shit sane bankrupt next year, due to increasing inflation on everything and tickets being un-avoidable expensive, (Otherwise the whole event would be downright impossible.) And it's also because people can't afford to smoke otherwise. They can't afford their cigarettes and shag if they would continue Castlefest. And smoking is a pre in those cases. Vana will not be capable to scratch their ass anymore from poverty next year ('Geen cent om je achterste mee te krabben.') if this crisis and their crisis management is this awfull. And Frankenstein not willing to take me serious. 

End off prediction, I expect the news to take place next year September or October, and let me tell you this: It's a big laugh for me, and a big loss for them. 

***

Today was not for baking. The care staff off service has promised us appeltaart tomorrow, she did bake and my works are not necessairy this week. Still I purchased ingredients, but I will work that out next week. So no scrumptious picture for today. But it's a promise for next week. 

Today was for being at de Boed, and I'm holding a cozy and nice Samhain ritual this evening. I'm burning candles and incense on my altair. 

And another thing: 

Faust really has to F*ck off, since he never really was a thing with me at all. So no mercy or pity for him. He can F*ck off to his own whore. And start shitstories about her getting pregnant. Maybe he already has her pregnant, but that's not off my concern. I'm free as a bird these days. He's not my man and never has been. I let go off him. And my heart is free. Life is too short and too much fun to be mocked by morons. It has taken me some time, but I'm over with it. I never wish to see him again. That's about it for me. 

I really had to share these messages with you for tonight. It felt important. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Good evening at the 26th off October, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

The morning started with thick cold fog everywhere. Like the river Thames in London, England according to classic tales. But then in shabby old Zaandijk, but then without a heartwarming baking. But people can't be lucky every day. It's been a common Thursday, after all. If I would not compare this to romantic London and ghoststories, It would depress me either. 

*

It's been cold and depressing this morning, and then I have been coughing up coffee on my red sweater at morning coffee time and had to change to something else very early on. It's not been a problem. But I felt almost too pretty this morning. That must have been probably it. The day has been pretty much alike most days. Food, breaks, coffee- shower, that's mainly been it. Swimming was canceled due to Fall vacation. Kids from school always have one vacation week during Autumn around October. But it always means the swimming pool is open for them and closed for us. Neither off us wants to swim in a pool crowded with annoying kids, and there was no replacement. So the day was pretty boring. We had cauliflower with boiled potatoes and a kromeskie for dinner. Just your average potato day covered in morning fog. And it was really cold today. 

Just for today I have such a sad feeling. It's not like I have been crying, but my soul just feels so heavy and sad, such big woe, like it's almost crying. Over the fate off Ukraine, the victims, the war, and the unfairness here at home with all the poor people. It's almost Samhain and I feel like burning candles and incense to light up that evening with something cozy. And candles for my passed family. Simply because my own soul can use that. Some Autumn cozyness. No Halloween ghosts and scary stuff for me, just Autumn cozyness. I believe that's not a crime. My soul longs for comfort. There has been too much tense and depression in the air these days. People here at de Boed fight each other all the time. (Mental people...) 

I feel so sad. Life is hard and the world is so dark. People have no money and we have to take all off it. It's a thick sense off sadness that's stuck inside off me. I think we all need therapy after this. It's not in my head, but in my being. A strange sad aura I feel. British take on this by drinking Earl Grey tea. I think I can use a large cup'o tonight. I have it in my cupboard, and who stops me? I think I'm going to make myself some tea and end today's weblog with that. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 25th off October, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it has been non-stop raining all day. It's been cold and rainy. 

*

I'm writing you this in an old Christmas pyjama, under a warm blanket on the couch. Is there any better feeling in the evening than being all showered in Christmas PJ's and relaxing under a blanket? It's like the whole country is longing for that Christmas feeling ever since September. Or is it just me? This whole year has been terrible, and everyone can use some sweet old Christmas warmth. My Pyjama's is warm and plain cozy red longsleeved with a black and gold tartan print on my red PJ's pants. It's not a cute animal or a decoration, but simple and nice as it is, it does perfectly for me. I love it. And outside the rain ticks on the window. Reminding me how gratefull I should be to still have this home. 

I made myself usefull today by helping to clean the house and mopping the floor. The home is clean and cozy. Though it's tiny.  Single person ment but it's for me. And it does perfectly nowadays. I have been thinking not to matter too much whether clothes are out off fashion next year. It's a big fat crisis so I'm going to re-wear it and not buy too much new the upcoming time. No matter wheter pastels and tropical are no-goes next summer. I won't care simply because re-wearing is far more cheap and we need that next year during this crisis. But I expect the big companies not to care about that. So, Tropical? I see them coming out with even bigger, bolder items (Tropical or not) to rob the common people (like you and me) even more from their money. No matter wheter this is a big fat crisis.  

I have the luck I don't have to appear polished for work. But on the other hand, if I had such a job, I would probably be able to pay for it. But I don't. So I have to take it sober and re-wear items, and not care big time about them being out off fashion or not. I have a closet full off nice clothes. So it's not a necessity to purchase too much new items. I can prolong everything perfectly next year. Just like I have the luck there is no demand for me to wear make-up on a daily base. I get away perfectly with only occacionally wearing it. There's no employer on my ass who demands me to. (I don't like to wear it too much.) So if I look outdated and ugly to oppres costs, only my mother complains. Even Leviaan doesn't mind. They told me I have enough clothes, it doesn't matter. And at de Boed they don't care as long as it's clean and intact, they don't care about it being out off fashion at all. But it's de Boed and people look shabby and cheap. Psychiatric patients don't and never had money to begin with. So it doesn't truly matter. 

I can take on it pretty easy. Just like taking a step back in perfume. My next bottle off perfume will be a cheap drugstore one. Not Yves Rocher like I used to. Despite not wearing make-up, I love to wear a good perfume. But it's going to be to save out on it. But do fellow clients truly care? Not at all. I just hope these drugstore perfumes smell good. (I love a good spray off perfume/ eau de toilette every day.) But does it matter? Does it truly matter? I have the feeling I can take it. Like I told you before, I know what it's like to turn coins and not being rich. So I'm used to live without big luxury. From late teen / early 20's on I have been flipping coins. But I'm sorta handy with it so I can still make it look rich.

 Still, it's gritting my teeth when I see the prices to all those cool earrings in stores. (That would entirely make it nowadays. A few sets off modern earrings. But they're SO expensive, it's a crime.) Maybe I will allow myself a few as a Christmas present for myself. I had the believe I would not purchase something new this Christmas, and work with what I've got on the shelves. Since I still have previous year's stuff. (Decorations and clothes.) But a few cool, modern earrings? They're mouthwatering cool this year. Still I have to think and re-think this very well and flip a few more coins for it. I think the companies do it on purpose. Extra cool, extra expensive. Or is that just my personal vieuw this year? I have only one set off new, modern earrings purchased two weeks ago. I just felt I had to update myself a bit. But it was to faint over so expensive.  The rest off my collection is old and plain. Not that is ever has been too much off an issue, but what's in stores now pricks my eyes. 

I smuggled a bit... I have purchased the Essence adventcalendar for this year. Somehow I felt I would be over-complaining on everything if I would not allow myself anything at all. To soften that edge, I allowed it. (I have to confess you this.) And indeed, I feel a little joy with it on my shelve, waiting for December to make me unpack it. I was planning on to smuggle a bit with Yves Rocher make-up for Christmas, but they don't even have a Christmas limited edition make-up line this year. They only have a few scents for Christmas and their shower stuff is bad for my skin. (I dwell on their perfumes and make-up) SO little luck for me, but that's what you got when you're forecalling the gods on pretending not to purchase anything for Christmas. I still have previous year's eyeshadow boxes. I could follow plan A and work with that for this year. I think nobody will bat an eye about it. Does Yves Rocher do that because off the crisis? I have no idea. I even still have a Christmas vanilla scent from them. So I'm good this year. I should not act too spoiled or snobby about it. Never mind, I will have Essence Christmas make-up this year. It's only one month a year we can sparkle the dark up with it, so that's probably the reason I still have so much Christmas make-up. It's no basic need.  

I'm complaining like there's no tomorrow so it seems.  I hope the reader doesn't mind about it and can still handle it. I hope one day in the future I don't have to look too shabby anymore. I hope that day will come soon. Let's end this weblog with that. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

             

Good afternoon at the 22th off October, 2023.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's cold outside with here and there a small hint off sun. But it's still cold. 

*

Today we had a little insecurity with de Boed being open or not, due to lack off staff. But they found someone who wanted to work today, so we have luck and there will be cake this afternoon with our coffee. Otherwise it had to wait untill tomorrow, but I think in this time and day such a cake is a bit too special for a plain old Monday. No matter how much it should be cheered up during a cold crisis autumn. So for this afternoon, on a cold autumn crisis Sunday, there will be a scrumptious banana cake. 

I had even more off a downer, the give away shop was closed for fellow clients this week. Due to lack off staff. So the laundry softner give away has to wait untill they fixed that. Luckily laundry softner doesn't spoil. I was afraid I had to dust off some old Buddha wisdom: 'The only special occasion in life, is life itself.' And I had to accept the way it worked out this week. But with the cake we have luck, and the laundry softner will be solved next week, once there will be staff for the give away shop again. In their defence, the give away shop is run by clients who can feel it's too much sometimes. So I think I should not be too harsh on them. And it doesn't actually matter when I actually make people happy with laundry softner, this week or next week, as long as it takes place. 

When you're permanently sick, that Buddhistic wisdom 'The only special occasion in life, is life itself.' Is truly one off the best, since it takes count off circumstances where we can be doing bad and not celebrate something on the day itself. Buddha forgives when we do so later on. I love Buddha for it. Buddha has mercy for us. Sometimes things in the world work out like that. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

   

 

 

Good afternoon at the 21st off October, 2023.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is sunny yet pretty cold, it's truly autumn. 

*

This morning I have been baking a perfect chocolate / mocha banana bundt cake. With chunks off dark chocolate, chopped walnuts and coconut. The ingredients to this are over the moon expensive, but I had a lot on stock and all I had to purchase for this was the dark chocolate, the coffee powder and the eggs. I had bananas which would have otherwise spoiled. And I use them instead off cream butter for a banana cake. It would have been a waste not to make use off the opportunity to bake. I even had the icing sugar on stock. 

Short before the crisis broke out, I have been intuitively hamstering stuff like flour, vanilla and sugar. Like somehow I knew it would happen. Something whispered in my ear 'Take count off a crisis going to happen, so be sure to have enough off everything.' or 'What if a crisis would break out? Am I granted with what I got so far?' That's how it has build up. 

Usually I only lack eggs and butter for a baking. I don't bake every week anymore, only when my budget allows. But I'm pretty lucky with a foreseeing gift. And to have followed that path, was right and has worked out for me. Stubborn and not willing to listen as I was, it could have gone entirely wrong. But now I'm right and I think I'm good so far. 

I have a lot off stuff on stock in this tiny home. So that's why I can provide de Boed a slice off scrumptious cake tomorrow at Sunday afternoon coffee time. They have luck with it this week. It came out perfectly off it's baking mold. I have been greasing with baking spray and cocoa. 

I have the sheer dumb luck off being a crazy single old spinster who can have meals at de Boed every day and who doesn't has children, animals or a man to take care off. Which makes it even more easy to afford a cake like this. If I would have been taken with a child or two on hand and a common living situation, this would not have been possible nowadays. But I'm always somewhat out off the usuall. So luck is with us tomorrow afternoon. I think we deserve it. Given dinner tonight will be spinach and boiled potatoes again. It's usually depressing during the weekends, but now there's something to look forward to. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good evening at the 20th off October, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold and it's raining cats and dogs outside. It's typicall Dutch autumn weather. 

*

This morning I sold a painting I made at de Boed on Wednesday. I can ask 5 euro's only for my works. It's a massive amount for the people who live here, and care staff thinks that's acceptable. More expensive is simply not allowed. I don't have a picture off it on here, it got sold before I could take it. It's a painting off a ginger haired woman, looking seriously into a black clouded stormsky, thinking 'I can withstand it.' And I gave her make-up on her face. The person purchasing it thought it was absolutely gorgeous. It represents my feelings towards the crisis. As far as it will go the upcomming months untill January. 'I can withstand it.' Is my personal feeling towards it. Despite the holidays being expensive, and there being a crisis and a war. I don't know how it will go after January, but we'll see about that. As for now, I think I'm going to make it through. And that's the idea off the painting. 

I also made a painting off a monkey. Which was fun to paint in. People think it's a cool painting. My Chinese zodiac is the Monkey. And I had fun painting in one. I believe being a monkey helps me during this crisis. It helps me to find solutions and ways others simply would never dare to take. It doesn't make me beloved, but monkeys don't care about that. We simply live for our own sake and fun. That's what it always says and it's probably true. People can't fully calculate me most off the time. But to be honest, I do feel with them, but not enough to be social or 100% nice with them. But how it works, it works, and during this crisis, it's almost miracolously how everything fits in and works for me.  Including my hard-to-deal-with western zodiac. It's almost a miracle how everything mends in and brings me further, despite everything. As long as I don't expect big things to happen, but what is still possible for me... almost a miracle. 

Not that I would cheer for crisis or war, but I think I just have big fat luck with the circumstances I live in nowadays, despite it all. Under any normal circumstances, I would never recomend this to anyone. But nowadays it works out. 

This afternoon was for having coffee at my home and working out the notes for the local Leviaan client council. I'm somewhat educated, and I can take perfect meetng notes. I'm the note taker there, and I even like to do so. I also like to work them out on a Google docs. They (The client council) always think they're perfect and clear. I'm not brilliant at council politics or discussing things, but I'm a good note taker. And I earn 5 euro's volunteer fee each time I take seat there. 

I have the feeling I'm truly over with my feelings for Edo. It was strange, short and sweet. And I liked to keep clean a bit more than usuall. But nowadays it's gone and so is my urge to shower and clean every day. Maybe my system simply needed this. Maybe it has something to do with sorting out things and emotions, or getting more hygienic somehow and physically simply needing that, but that's the higher mathematic off how human beings work. I can't figure out. All I know is that it's just fine with me simply being single and free on my mind again. And I haven't done anything wrong. I think Edo doesn't read this to begin with and I haven't shot anyone for their ass with it. Just the readers. But I believe it's not much off a problem. Maybe it was just a simple and sweet witches' crush. Who knows. But it's best not to over-think that too much and go on with life. I truly am some sort off a sarcastic old coffee spinster. But who cares. It's lovely autumn weather, I can wear fall fashion and there's fresh coffee. Life is still beautifull. It's very cheesy to end this weblog with that. So, let's do that. 😉   

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good evening at the 16th off October, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been cold and cloudy sweater weather in the Netherlands. It's been the first time this year I have been wearing a comfy and chique sweater, with glitters. 

*

Prices have been increasing in the supermarket, and there's been told that they will further increase starting January 1st next year. Hold on! Everyone on deck! We're heading to even more troubled waters! 

I myself have been hamstering laundry wash in the sale. And an extra box off laundry softner. I had planned to do so next year, but given the circumstances, I've hit the buttons a bit earlier on. To rebel against selfishness, to be good in the eyes off god and the universe, and to help fellow poor people, I will donate one bottle from each package to the give away closet down the hall after they've arrived, and I have a box off laundry softner for the give away shop. The rest off all off it goes down my storage room to keep safe for next year. I hope care staff won't comment too much on it. 

So to say for laundry wash and softner, but the rest off my luxury???? I think next year I have to bite my teeth a little harder and practice being strong a little more. This year my biggest luxury was provided by gift cards from birthdays and a gift from grandma here and there. Offcourse still having a grandma is the biggest wealth a person can have at my age. But you probably get me. Another year off gritting my teeth? When will this nonsense finally stop? 

I just wish we could be sure the government is not playing some sort off insane game with us, the people, nowadays. There are rumors about it all around. Even the common folks in the street are informed. But is that true? Is this perverted war some insane trick? What in the world can we do against it? The economy is already becoming a shipwreck, and in some visions I could foresee a Netherlands almost 'as poor as Africa.' if this continues. Should we want that? 

When is the limit for this for most people? Just some things I have been wondering about. But which I could probably never figure out just by myself. I wish you all would get a bit more sane and start respecting personal limits when it comes to this governmental mess. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 15th off October, 2023.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's 3.40 AM, I could not sleep anymore. I have slept pretty well, but I felt like getting out off bed and typing this to you because I felt too awake to continue sleeping. Maybe I will take a few hours after this. 

I have been spending the weekend at my parental home. It wasn't too bad at mom's. I have been shopping with her at a renewed shopping centre. It's changed big time and it doesn't look like it's old style anymore, at all. I have been purchasing two books and a postcard at a local bookstore. A new cookie cookbook by Laura's bakery, and the latest work by James Norbury. About a travelling cat. (I've also read both the big Panda and tiny Dragon works.) My bookcases are almost a-social full with works. I keep on collecting books on baking, cooking, and mindfullness. It's both big fields off interest to me. 

Sometimes life demands a big batch off cookies. I can't promise de Boed anything due to this massive crisis, and prices being sky high at the moment. but maybe I will make that one big 'Peanutbutter and jam-cookies.' speech I made on Facebook some time ago come true one day. And life will be good again for all when that's affordable again.

I have been preparing my Brother's birthday meal. He purchased all te ingredients for tagiatelle, including fresh vegetables and chicken tights, and I agreed on preparing it. He thinks I'm the best cook, ever since childhood on he loves my dishes. While being on that pasta preparing, I thought to myself: 'I haven't got much in life and I haven't fullfilled much. But I think I rock it as a Big Sister.' I can cook pretty well. My youngest brother always has been one off my biggest fans. It's always prepared with love for him. I also thought in this world there is place for the family love off a big sister towards her brother last night, by preparing food for him. I felt it saved my soul a bit. 

I feel like I'm capable to get some sleep again. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.        

Good evening at the 13th off October, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

The day is still dark, cloudy and stormy. 

*

I haven't succeeded in just re-wearing clothes from previous year. I have been purchasing a few neccesairy items and shoes to come round during this winter. And make-up. When I had my period, I went a bit overboard with it but the pharmaceutic industry really made me flow these female hormones. Now it's all back to the usuall. I still love purchasing cheap Essence, Hema or Catrice nail polish. Somehow I seem to crave it a little and have a tic with it. Today I have my toe nails painted 'Purple Rain.' by a Catrice Halloween limited edition. It doesn't mean I'm fully dolled up, I'm just a chick with nail polish on her toes this week. Especially when swimming it's cool. 

Due to that crush on Edo I became a lot more hygienic and clean on myself. To a level where a normal person would find me acceptable. It's with help from care staff, otherwise I would not be able to do so properly, or as good as this, but still, I wish to be clean and neat these days simply due to my infatuation. I'm at the point 'A man doesn't want to be in public with a downright slunge.' Still not at the 'Let's go tempting.' level, that's waaaay too much for now, but rather at the point where I would not feel ashamed anymore to be seen with myself at a coffee spot in public. So no outworn sneakers, and no slungy sweatpants in public. I used to. I was that depressed. Nowadays I'm a bit better, but due to a man. It's dangerous, but as far as noticable, it's improvement. Men are difficult. silly, stupid, old fashioned men... but there I am again, fallen as a log. 

I'm also at a point where I somehow think this rotten world holds no place for my love. It's lethal, it's war everywhere, it's crisis. Especially when they show a detailed bombing on TV it's too much and I think this world... and I feel there's no place for romance and love. Maybe not in my world at this time and place. That's how the world somehow works. My feelings off love are so beautifull, how can that be in a world like this? 

Somehow it's enough to become an old sarcastic coffee spinster. The kind who swears by coffee, realism and sarcasm. And sweatpants, no make-up and pyjama's in public. A man would never find her attractive, but it's the most realistic way a person can be, so no love for me and commenting on the news all the time- and a place for free coffee. That's a necessity. I find myself even mental when it comes to Edo. Maybe they will get me in at the mental hospital when I confess love to him since it's a crush out off nowhere. It's probably not even real to begin with. I have the perfect glasses to be an old sarcastic coffee spinster. It's probably how it's going to end with me in this life. But it's not too bad. It's still fun to be single and up for adventure and fun things. Let those jealouse vultures at Vana be jealouse at me untill my grave. I had fun with it, no matter what. It's not too bad not to have children in my case. I also don't smoke so I still have a little bit off money to spend. I just hope people are not too jealouse at my small wealth and I will get away with what I got without trouble. 

I had money for presents for my youngest brother's birthday for example. I could afford three boxes off Lego and I think he will enjoy them. Still at his age. Not much people can still afford presents and I was sober with the wrapping paper. So I still had it on stock for him. I´m not good at wrapping, but the feeling off wrapping presents and the idea to have something fun to give for a birthday is great. I can´t give presents the year round like I used to, every visit was for a small present for everyone or a house plant or a bush off flowers for the family. So I think I better enjoy it when it´s legid to give for a birthday. It´s fun to give. It´s a feeling I got from it. It´s good to give. 

Allright, that´s about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

  

 

Een blog in het Nederlands.

 Er was eens… 

Een verhaal. 

Als het er op aan komt zit dit land vol met duistere heksen. Zo grif zwart als de nacht en jaloers zoals uit sprookjes. In Leiden, in Utrecht, in Brabant zit het er vol mee en de een is nog jaloerser dan de ander. Ze zijn meestal niet te harden. 

Het was al een tijd geen tijd voor kerst in december, vele jaren hing er een grimmige sfeer in het land, door ziekte golven en oorlog in een ver land en een economische crisis. Ik ben 31 en ik heb nog geen man. Ik ben niet in staat om de liefde te vinden en meestal is het leven voor mij overleven. 

Zou er dit jaar een make-up doos van yves rocher voor mij in zitten? Ik heb de grootste make-up doos van de kerstcollecties van twee voorgaande jaren in mijn bezit. Ik hoop dat yves rocher dit jaar niet alleen met geurtjes komt met kerst dit jaar. Ik kijk er naar uit. Maar de kerst- make- up staat nog niet op de site. Jammer. 

Ik had op mijn weblog geschreven dat ik geen geld heb voor make-up en dat ik een man maar een dure aangelegenheid vind in deze tijd. Dat eerste is niet waar. Ik heb me echt een ongeluk geshopt aan make-up de laatste tijd. Wel van goedkope merken, maar die zijn ook gewoon goed. En ik heb nieuwe kleding voor de winter. Geen dure grappen, wel gewoon lekker zittende en normale kleding. Twee donkere Longsleeves en vier zwarte broeken, een paar nieuwe veterboots en een rode trui. Gecombineerd met kleding van vorig jaar is het keurig en prima kleding voor dit jaar. Het is geen lingerie, maar ik zit op het punt: 'Een man wil niet met een lelijke slons gezien worden in het openbaar, dus ik wil niet vies zijn.’ En niet ‘Alle remmen los en versieren.’ Dat eerste getuigt van meer gezond verstand. 

Was het zo erg dan? Ja. Het was zo erg. Ik zit er nog geregeld als een slons bij, maar dat was vanwege mijn depressie. Die is weg sinds ik een beetje op die Edo val. Het is best een fijn gevoel, en het zorgt dat ik minder vies en slonzig wil zijn en dat ik mijn huis de hele tijd opgeruimd en schoon wil hebben. Ik ben ruimte aan het maken, en het zorgt dat ik de hele bliksemse boel aan kant wil hebben met behulp van de begeleiding. Ik voel me sinds die ongesteldheid van laatst een ‘echte vrouw.’ En die willen schoon en opgeruimd zijn. Al kan ik me nog steeds niet zetten tot het keurig op doen van make-up. Ik heb wel veel gekocht, ik heb ook een kleine nagellak tic. 

Deze week heb ik paars gelakte teennagels met de halloween limited edition mini purple rain nagellak van Catrice. In het zwembad is het cool. Ik zorg de hele tijd dat ik toonbaar ben, ook al heb ik ongeëpileerde wenkbrauwen, en is mijn huid niet meer zo mooi en verzorgd als eerst. Ik ben verliefd, maar ik denk niet dat het wat word en dat ik hem vang, en toch ben ik me meer bewust van hoe ik in het openbaar over kom. Volgens mij is dat gezond. Het is een gezonde houding voor een jonge vrouw. En er is geld voor make-up en kleren, en ik ben weer wat schoner sinds die kleredepressie van de afgelopen jaren. Voor mijn doen was ik echt vies. En als je in Noord-Holland iets niet over je wil horen is het wel ‘Ze is vies.’ Dat wil niemand zijn. Ik heb weer de juiste animo om er iets meer van te maken. 

Alleen, 

Als ik het nieuws kijk op TV denk ik steeds dat er geen plaats is in deze wereld voor liefde. De wereld is te rot en te gevaarlijk en te onstabiel op dit moment. Ik volg het nieuws om op de hoogte te blijven van wat er speelt in het land. Ik vind het niet kunnen om dat helemaal niet te doen in deze tijd. Een slimme meid weet wél wat er speelt in het land en in de wereld, en houd zich niet zo dom. Maar als ik dat allemaal zie, denk ik echt: ‘Mijn gevoel is zo mooi, er is geen plaats op de wereld voor.’ Als ze in detail een bombardement opvoeren en ik echt het idee heb dat het niet kan. Het gevoel stemt depressief. Niet depressief genoeg om weer vies te worden, maar meer in de trant van een ‘Nuchtere, Sarcastische, Heel veel Koffie-bui.’ Koffie en sarcasme, maar een man wil ook geen sarcastisch loeder wat alleen om koffie geeft. En hoe meer ik daar in geloof, hoe gekker ik mezelf vind. Misschien moet ik wel opgenomen worden vanwege die zogenaamde liefde zomaar uit het niks en ben ik stik- onredelijk met die Edo. En waar val ik nou helemaal op? Niet op dingen die ik niet weet. Volgens mij heeft hij dingen in zijn kop waar ik al lang van op de hoogte ben. Maar die ik niet toepas omdat ik niet van mijn gevoel van comfort wil af stappen. En doe nog maar een bakkie troost- dat soort humeurig realisme komt dan in me op. Niks liefde en vlinders. 

Ik vind Edo interessant om het idee dat hij wat interessants in zijn kop heeft, en het idee van een fijne man staat me wel aan. ‘Een man voor de gezellig.’ Iemand waar je zowel fysiek als mentaal iets fijns aan hebt. Het idee staat me wel aan. Dat is in het meest positieve geval, maar de vlinders drogen steeds meer op als ik aan kredietwaardigheid, logica en serieuze dingen denk, het is een belediging, maar wel een realistisch idee. Hoe moeilijker deze tijd word, hoe meer ik geneigd ben om voor die weg te kiezen. Ook omdat het de meest makkelijke weg is. Simpelweg omdat ik Edo niet ken. Ik denk dat ik er goed aan doe om die man links te laten liggen en vooruit te willen met mezelf. En hoe verder ik kom, hoe minder pijnlijk het idee is. Dus Boed, doe me nog maar een bakkie. En voor de rest ben ik alleen dankbaar dat ik minder goor wil zijn en lekker in mijn schone huis zit tegenwoordig. 

Einde van het verhaal.-  

Dank jullie wel voor het lezen.

Good afternoon at the 13th off October, 2023.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's rainy and cloudy yet still somewhat warm. There is more cold weather forecasted after the weekend. 

*

Yesterday I created a video with an important message to the world. It's in Dutch only, but I think it's worthit sharing with everyone. It's about my vieuw on sharing during a crisis, and a call for everyone to keep their head held up high no matter how deep this crisis is. 

It's incredibly simple made. It's just spoken text and an orange screen with a little written text here and there. I picked orange because it was the trend colour to summer 2023. It has no other reason than that, I could have picked pink and nobody would have batted an eye, but I made it orange just because off fashion and trends this year. Usually I don't do that, but these days I mildly follow fashion. I'm not an expensive brand follower, or fashion addict, but some items are incredibly cool, also in my size. 

So it was fun to follow despite the rest off my items being cheap and affordable. (Like white sneakers, and a denim summer jacket for fashion items, from affordable brands.) Offcourse I also wore something orange. Just a plain short sleeve shirt, but it did perfectly for the trend. And this fall I do a take on Gothic Chic. (I feel I should update my make-up with it, but it looks fancy and edgy and cool so far. I still don't wear make-up often. I won't head for chanel and the like, but dark lips and pale skin are allowed on the streets with this trend, so I should go after that. Finally it's somewhat off fashion.) And I keep on dying my hair a neutral cool blonde shade. And it's pretty long. 

I'm a fashion follower nowadays. So pure out off fashion following the video ended up being orange. 

If you understand Dutch, I hope you enjoy watching. I know it's somewhat off preeching and speeching, but I felt it was necessairy. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good evening at the 8th off October, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a fresh autumn day in October, no rain, but cloudy and somewhat cold. It's been on the warm side this entire period, but today was finally fresh. 

*

This very early morning was for preparing 15 cupcakes from the book '500 chocolate receipes.' Coconut and white chocolate flavour. The first batch yesterday failed somehow, and I bailed. But I wanted to set my mind off off things at 6.00 AM in the morning, so I re-did them slightly diffrent and these cupcakes where the result. Topped with white chocolate and toasted coconut. All off the ingredients where still in my pantry. I had to use them up before they got spoiled. I got quite a few cupcake papers in my pantry, I picked these to spoil an old superdiva (Who's always hanged full off jewelry) who lives here and loves them this way. With pink tiger stripes especially for her. 

My fellow clients really had the luck I had so much ingredients left, including coconut, cupcake papers and white chocolate. Otherwise this would have been too expensive. Just like the bitterkoekjescake from previous week. But that's the pre when you love to bake and you hoard: To have things on stock. A few weeks ago someone donated the cupcake bin to me for free. So I also made them especially for him and I allowed him an extra cupcake, too. He had it from a give away shop and donated it to me as a hint to prepare more cupcakes. Fellow clients are perfect when they inspire for a baking. I believe they where gratefull about it. That's always my biggest reward. 

I'm doing a bid hard. I have to kick off a certain medicine and I feel awfull under it. I really have to kick it off, since I have been on it quite long as an emergency medication. I needed it quite long. But I feel more stable now and I wish to be kicked off off emergency pills. It's pretty hard. 

You know what works? To burn white sage incense. It calms down delusions and you can chase away a tensed feeling with it. It really works to calm down my nerves somehow. If I feel a delusion putting big pressure on me and causing fear, nothing works like white sage incense in my home to chase it away. Is it a true delusion, or actuall black magic then? I wonder about it a lot, but so far it seems to work for me to chase delusions and fear away with white sage. I feel so much better today after to have burned it yesterday evening before bedtime. I had a hard time sleeping, but my mind is more calm. 

As a mental patient, I can say I prefer a calm mind over the love off a man. A relationship, or the beginning off anything with a man, comes with incredible tense for me. Which is sooo incredibly hard to bear it makes it impossible. I defenetely prefer a calm mind and to stay single and keep the mental pressure far off, over something with a man. (As far as I know, probably a man. Since I believe I'm straight at the moment.) It's not hard, to be single and up for fun you can do by yourself is not so bad. As long as I stay sane and stable with my two feet on the ground. Mental tension is torture. It's not even worthit a try. Believe me. The tension and the pressure are getting harder over time. So the longer and the more impossible that is, the more I believe I'm better off as an old spinster. It's relief and it's not too bad. 

So, that's somewhat been my day: To have had coffee, lunch, and then coffee with cupcakes and be on the terrace behind de Boed a lot. My head in the fresh autumn air. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.