Good evening at the 30th off March, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and grey outside but there was no rain. According to the forecasts we can expect wet snow and hail tomorrow. It's weather for tea and something home baked tomorrow. I believe I can't do so since I have things to do. But the idea is nice. 

*

Today's soup was an improvised chinese vegetable one. I'm glad de Boed has a wide variety off spices in their pantry and a lot off broth cubes and potatoes, garlick and onions on stock most off the time. I got complimented all the time while actually I had been slacking with the ingredient list again and had to use what they had left in the freezer. High point off my soup? Vegetarian chicken slices. Slices off some soy which are a perfect replacement for chicken. I had partly chicken broth in my soup so it wasn't vegetarian, but nevertless, my vegetarian chicken soup with chinese stir fry vegetables was nevertless a great one. People just loved it. The next time I have my list off ingredients in perfect order, so I'm going to rock it again next week. I love soup making as it challenges me on times like this to be creative and clever to get something great out off it. Sometimes I'm a bit stupid when it comes to this (Slacking communicating ingredients through.) But I wasn't in trouble over it, luckily. I promised them when I can make it to 20 years off soup making, I'm going to publish a cookbook for them. 'How to improvise the perfect soup each time and safe your ass from trouble.' (Hey, I'm pretty good at it. Otherwise I wouldn't get away with that each time. It deserves a cookbook with a more catchy title)

Aside from soup, I had an appointment with health care in my own home. I had people saying my cake from yesterday was pretty good, without having a slice off it myself. Since I had to catch up with my nurse from psychiatric health, getting how I was doing this period off time. It was a good appointment as I needed it, probably. I needed her to see me as I wasn't feeling so well. I have talked it through and I hope she will do well with it. Just when I felt like talking more to her and being more open about myself I felt as if she wasn't connecting with me well, but I'll try again next time. I'm getting used to talking to health care and I believe nowadays in the power off opening up to health care. I just have been very closed off with my nurse as I had to overcome that with her. It's just that I've grown mentally when it comes to that. I just hope she can help me when we connect diffrently than before. (I've had her for about two years now.) 

She told me something. 'Happiness isn't comming to you when you just sit in your room, you have to go out and do things to make you feel happy, and it doesn't happen at once, you have to get out time and time again to find it. And re-do it so you might find something you like.' It's sometimes as simple as this. I'm bad at going out in the world and trying new things since I somehow prefer to stay safe and sound here or at the terrain off Gortershof- and things are far off from here. It's just that depression and numbness are feelings I'm known with nowadays. But I'm willing to pick up fun stuff again and go out a bit more and seek after my hapiness again. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

 

Good afternoon at the 29th off March, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today started cloudy, but it ended up sunny for this moment. There was a promising off hail storms and even wet snow for this week- but as far as that goes, I see nothing. (I decided to keep up with the weather forecast, though they're not always accurate) But this isn't the end off the week yet. 

*

Today was for re-trying my new baking mold. At the first try, a cake didn't come out completely but I refused to give up on it so I dusted it a bit better with flour and then rolled with it. The shape off this mold makes my cake a bit more square and firm compared to the previous one. 

It's my proven receipe for quark cake with dried prunes and golden raisins. Topped with icing sugar. I didn't flour my mold that good. Haha. Tomorrow it will be handed out to de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk to go with their afternoon coffee moment. It's good to give in my opinion, and to bake. I feel a bit better about life in general when I can bake. 

Today is for a day off. I needed a day off from de Boed to bake, do some dishes and sleep in a bit. I felt a bit tired from going to de Boed all the time and I needed some space, so I took it. Tomorrow will be for soup making and handing out my cake. I can even say I've done some dishes today as I'm usually more lazy when it comes to washing up and let it leaping up err, quite big. But aside to baking came the urge to do them. I'm probably thankfull to myself as I've put everything in my cupboards when it's all dry. (I'm not good at the household. I'm lazy when it comes to that.)

I do better than I did a few weeks ago. I'm in the last week off medicine change and so far, I'm climbing up a bit from feeling terrible. I had an attack yesterday, it was the second one in two weeks. My mind breaks an cringes over certain subjects I'm probably frightned off without wishing it to be, but I came over it twice and I can say the new medication makes me feel good. Although it probably doesn't cover everything. I was one hell off scared as my mind broke down and the feeling off being under a Witch's attack hurt me massively. (I'm interested in the subject off Paganism and Wicca, so I know what it truly contains. It's just that it always is as if there is some jealouse witch after me trying to break me down with dark magic. It's jealousy, or not wishing to accept my interest in their subject as people are 'like that.' I can't say it any other way than how I experience it.) 

It came after reading a book about wicca in the kitchen and practicing magic in the kitchen by Lisa Chamberlain. Both wicca and kitchen magic have my interest so I bought this book some time ago. I know the pagan community can be a rathouse when it comes to treating other people, but I wanted to read that book for myself, though something started to cringe in me after I finished it. As if I was under someone's nasty attack. You'd probably understand I don't trust pagans very much anymore, let alone the scene who visits events. They have treated me with more disrespect than I have ever treated them, and I'm serious about this. I think I should be weary with the subject, as it triggers 'something.' nasty in me. 

Though I wish to read more from Lisa Chamberlain. A renowed author from wiccan books. It's a bit double sided, though I don't want to have this 'under attack' feeling for entire evenings after finishing her works. It's not good. Probably something personal, but I felt so bad after finishing that book, I should be on my guard. It's nasty to say I should be on my guard for a religion that claims to be peacefull, but there have happened a lot off things towards me from them and it didn't feel always nice to try with them. I think it's not just been me. But foribiding me to read something on the subject goes a bit far in my opinion. Treating me with respect is probably asked for too much from some. And who knows I have always been a nice witch without anyone taking count off that possibility. I was interested, otherwise I would have never entered their events and their information and I still use semi-gemstones, candles and incense and most off all: My intuition. 

But most refused to accept me and be nice to me in return after fighting with Vana Events. But Vana is no saint either and I believe mutual respect is a key ingredient for every good understanding with people. I rather feel the need to let everything go and go my own way, instead off trying again and again and stepping on some sensitive toes again. I don't like them that much. Let's keep it at that. I'm glad I will never go there again as it didn't feel good anymore. Vana should watch their own behaviour more and look into their own direction more before pointing things out to me. It's not easy for some, but I believe it will do better for this entire situation if they would stick their hands in their own bossoms more before going after me. But I don't have to accept their bullshit. I'm free to go if they're not to my liking anymore. 

 

 Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

A video and a song I'd like to share today.

 Good evening everyone, 

This afternoon I'm about to share another Psych2go video to support mental awareness, and another cute, classic Dutch song which pops up in my head sometimes. 

This video is about a state off mental issue I'm in constantly. The survival mode. It doesn't seem like I'm going to get out off it soon. It's due to what I've been through the previous years and I could recognize so many things in this video in myself. It's probably one off the biggest mental issues off the 21st century, mental overload. It could be handy for my readers to see if they are in survival mode aswell. If so- seek the right help. 

*

This is the classic version off 'duivies, duivies.' A song about pigeons and I'm having it often in my head these months. It's cute, it's classic, it's worthit to know if you're Dutch as the author is a Dutch legend and I'm thinking off how to translate this song in English, sometimes words popping up in me to illustrate the matter. I love it. Small Annie M.G Schmidt songs are among my current favourites. I'll let you know when I came up with the perfect translation for it. Maybe I should take my time for it one evening behind my computer. Who knows. It's worthit listening anyway. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading, watching and listening. 

Good evening at the 27th off March, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and bright outside. I managed to sit a while in the sun before going inside. I can't be in the sun for too long or I'll burn. I'm very sensitive for sharp sunshine but I love the warmth off the sun. So half an hour to one hour maximum in the sun- otherwise I'll have a problem. 

*

Today was for sleeping in for some time after medication. I went to our office in PJ's and got my morning medication- then went back and slept in a few hours. I took it quite long untill 13.00 P.M. I love sleeping in. I shamelessly go out in PJ's if I can manage to stay on the terrain and only have to go for medication at de Boed. Barely anyone sees me in the morning in weekends. Who cares? But it's more easy to go back to bed afterward if I do so. I love weekends. 

The pain and the nagging feeling I often have inside my head are fading. I don't know how that happens, but it happens and I feel a bit better these days. The hurt is on an extreme low level. And that probably means something good. Sometimes I think the nasty witches are on a better track with me nowadays, but somehow I started to overthink it and became to realise the medication actually might do good on me. I'm less sore in my head anyway. It's promising. (I'm also laughing less to myself and I feel less swoon away by delusions. It's definetely something promising) 

 

 I have to live with it one week more untill the end off this medication switching process. It takes up to 6 weeks for a medicine to be fully worked in the system and in the brain. After rain comes shine this time and I believe I deserve it somehow. Let's not awake bad omens by cheering too early. I rather awaken cute ladybug guardian angels to keep on guiding me in the proces as I probably need them like crazy and I adore them like no other. (I'm probably a bit too lonely. But ladybug guardian angels are- still needed somehow, despite they might not be healthy for my mental progres) I have been living with this hurt inside my head for years. I love my ladybug guardian angel. 

 

Sometimes I am lucky, with the life I lead for example. I should count my blessings a few times more when bailing about this location being remote from a lot off things. (Among a lot off house blocks, but far away from shops and such and the bus only goes once every hour.) I could be thankfull for my home and the care I receive to feel more healthy. I don't live like I've won the jackpot, I live quite modest and sober, but it's allright I supose. half a week ago there was a ladybug inside my home on my front window on the inside. It got escaped before I could turn it outside again, but it felt somehow like a sign from the gods. Ladybugs bring good luck according to some. I should feel lucky. (And watch it when I leave my window open on a sunny day. But nevertless, something good) 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good morning everyone at the 27th off March, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

I can't sleep again. It has been perfect weather today but forecasts tell it will be less weather today. Such a downer if you like to sunbathe, like me. 

*

I love the city off Amsterdam. Except for adventurous, multidiverse, highly cultural, a leading market and a worldcity on the global map to be proud off as our capital, it has done something great for the environment. 

You can expect things like that from Amsterdam. It's often an example on a worldscale off how things can be in the world. And this doughnut model to change how we handle the world around us to make it a better place ecologically and humane seen is just a perfect idea to wake up the world. And actually put thoughts into motion. If more capitals and other cities would do this, the world would have a fair chance off truly changing for the greater good.   

*

About me: 

I'm recovering. I've had this almost traunatic medicine change where I barely believed I was still alive for some days at the beginning and I'm still recovering from it, but I'm setting steps ahead in that proces. I feel better every day. I almost feel like taking up on baking again and provide my fellow clients and the neighbours a nice slice off cake again once I'm up on my feet again after this. I hope it will last and I hope it will keep me from insanity in the future. I'm not completely stable again, but I'm climbing up and it goes well so far. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

A song I like to share

 Good evening everyone, 

I have a sweet song in Dutch about the feeling a lot off people seem to have about the war. 

'You can no more escape.' 

Vluchten kan niet meer- Paul de Leeuw en Jenny Arean. 

Tegen het einde van Mooi Weer de Leeuw en het leek me zo passend voor het gevoel wat mensen krijgen van de oorlogsdreiging uit Oekraine. Het zit al een tijd in mijn hoofd. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

(I love a lot off these Dutch classic songs) 

Good evening at the 23th off March, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and warm and I enjoyed the day highly due to the sunshine. It was a good day. 

I love how it´s sunny compared to previous year.

*

Today was for improvising a chicken curry soup at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. I had to use my mind well today because there where little ingredients available due to me not making soup previous week because I felt awfull. Today I had to create chicken curry soup with spare ingredients and a plus off mushrooms since they had that left over and thought I could use it in the soup. 

It's like that sometimes. It's not always a straight ahead direction to make soup every wednesday. I did my utmost best and probably thanks to curry powder and boursin cuisine being available, I managed to make a perfect soup despite there being little chicken, only one leek and a bush off curiander at first. I managed by using potatoes, garlic, onions and dragon in my soup as a base. Then boursin cuisine and a lot off curry powder and that one pathetic leek, then let it cook in chicken broth from cubes for 20 minutes, puree and then add chicken, baked mushrooms and soup noodles I found somewhere untill all was done. (And salt and pepper during the entire proces) Thank god I know how to cook and how to make soup well. Even if it's a bit off an unprepared mess. It lacked carrots and I had to smugle a lot with potatoes like I usually do when a soup is a bit spare in what I got provided on ingredients. 

I decided I want to try to keep on making Wednesday Soup despite feeling so awfull sometimes and being mentally drained by medication switching. And despite it not being provided well sometimes. Providing a pot off soup despite it all is something to be proud off. The appreciation by my soup audience was priceless and made me feel incredibly well today. It's been a while since I felt like that. It's not easy being disabled to do what you love. I felt tired all the time during the proces, but that should teach me not to be on my computer so late at night. I took an hour off rest after soup making and I think I deserved that. Dragon is one off my favourite herbs when it comes to soup making. The dried version adjusted to the cooking proces gives a good taste to almost every soup. The next time I believe I should ask for certain amounts off ingredients instead off handing over a receipe with an x amount off ingredients asking if they want to upgrade it to our amounts. I think it went wrong somewhere there. And carrots don't have a long shelve life so next time I should work with everything straight ahead instead off calling off sick. (But I had to. I felt awfull previous week due to medication switching.) Anyway, it worked out well and people enjoyed their soup- I did well. 

Time goes by slowly this week. I don't know if that comes in handy for gods, or is supposed to teach me a lesson, or simply just because. Most off the time it passes by fast but this week it seems like life goes by slowly unless I'm doing something fun. I don't know what is going on. Maybe it's just my mentioning off time this week. And then there is summer time- one hour more early out off bed, and an hour more early to sleep the next months. I hate to get up more early. Nothing is as precious to me as good sleep. So having to get out an hour more early feels terrible. 

Sometimes I feel a bit lost. When summer gets hot, the ground and the gras dries out and care takers barely have time for me, I can feel like such a lost child despite being in health care and being almost 30. There is a large coming and going off care takers and this place is almost desperately under employed. It's bad and I mention, despite it not being such a summer yet, that I have to swim on my own a lot according to my feeling and what I see. I had staff agreeing with me about that so I'm not standing alone in that opinion. Often they have to work with replacers when people get sick or switch jobs (which happens quite a lot). I know it's a bad thing to leave this place since that's the issue everywhere and this is a good home with acceptable people surrounding me who appreciate me highly. But it's - a thing- I don't like to deal with. 

      

Life is getting by hard and they barely have people to help me with it. If only the feeling off it being hard would fade and it would get more easy for me. That would be great, if it wasn't such a struggle anymore to be a mental patient. (Even physically it hurts.). Them being under employed is NOT fair. But what they do is a hard job not everyone is suitable for. I can understand why it's hard to get the right staff on board. But then again, I feel like such a lost child having to work things out on my own a lot off the time. I got provided good care when everything goes right. Let's keep it at that. It would not be fair to call this place bad so far. My nails are polished, I'm fed, I got my medication in time and there are still people to talk to when issues run high. (When they have time. I often got positive responses when I ask people for a cup off coffee at my place) Still I see diffrent faces all the time I can re-tell my story to a lot. Life is like that. A mess during crisises. I can't say it in any other way. At least I got off off the times where I had to lay in bed all day due to medication switching and I can be around and do mild fun things again, as long as they're on this terrain and not too far off this place. But let's not think too big. Let's keep it at the level off sunbathing, soup making and coffee for now. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

A video I like to share with you this morning

 Good morning everyone, 

I have a motivational video from YouTube channel Psych2go to share with you to motivate you this morning and to give a little hope: 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for the attention. 

Good morning at the 23th off March, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's actually 00.35 A.M but I count it as a very early morning as it's officially not evening anymore and 'good night.' might assume I want you to go to sleep instead off reading this. But hey, I'd rather see you in the morning keen to read this instead off dwelling your computer at night- so, good morning. 

Today was sunny and so beautifull outside. It has been the perfect day for my mom to visit. She came over here for coffee and I had a pastry for her and we enjoyed the sun togheter on one off the benches off Gortershof and then we had tea inside. I think I also made her day by inviting her over for today. Mom could learn to live a little more and have more fun in life but she doesn't like me to share things about her private things. She's a nice person, though. We had a good day togheter. 

*

I love the sun. I have been sunbathing for some time a few days now and it's the best thing for these weeks, except for Belgian chocolate. That tops it and makes my days even better. But sunshine and chocolate make my day and I love it. 

I come to think more and more how much off a relief it is to be freed off Seroquel and to be set on a new medication. I start to take more care after myself and life seems less depressing. It's a shame how much off an impact medication has on my personal well-being. I hope this will be ended one day in the future and mental medication won't make us such unwashed monsters anymore. It's not nice to say that about yourself, but it's fattening, you care less about everything, you wash and groom yourself less and you have no energy in general to take on life every day. It's hard to deal with that stuff but you have to take it, otherwise you're as mad as a doorknob but I find it unfair as I oversee how much off an impact it had on me. 

I'm still not capable to take propper care off myself as the new medication also exhausts and I wonder what much off an impact this has on long livety as I hope I can grow old on things that take so much energy. It's unfair and hard and it's uneasy to take but I have to each day. 

Mom gave me a great feeling today I haven't felt so prone in years: 'I'm onto this, I'm in charge and I can take on this. Don't worry about it mom.' I was like that in my teens. I felt like I could take on the world without hesitation and shame and things usually would work out in my profit. As we sat there at the bench outside, something recalled that invincible feeling from years ago. I'm not in charge off my own life anymore. I don't know if I appear like that feeling to her while I live here. Maybe it's 'I'm in charge off schizophrenia, mom. I'm onto this and I can take on this.' while living here and having a small flat on my own. That sounds cool. But most off the time I don't feel like that anymore. It's almost something hard to talk about to you since I'm such a diffrent person then I was about 12 to 10 years ago. And life has ended up so diffrent. It's a period off time I have been mentally holding onto for a long time but I wish to step over it. Still I loved how she made me feel. 

Life fell apart, but still here I am. Maybe she's proud off me nevertless. 

Today I feel like ending this weblog with this positive feeling. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Good evening at the 20th off March, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Spring has started officially today. 

Today was cloudy and the day ended with a wash off rain. It has been sunny yesterday and I have been sunbathing a bit. I love how I have been tanning a bit without burning. I'm sometimes so glad for lengthened daylight and sun comming through during these days. It makes my day when I can sunbathe. (With my coat on, just a little. But the feeling is nevertless great) 

*

It's been a hard day. I have been painting my toenails and drinking coffee in the morning, then I went to de Boed for some company but near the end off afternoon, my mind couldn't take it anymore and I had to take a break from being there. After that I had dinner at de Boed and that's been my day. It's not been incredibly hard, but that itch near the end made it somewhat hard. Medication switching is hard. I'm glad I'm still alive these days. It's been a day like most. I have the sense I live from weekend to weekend sometimes without life being very fullfilling, but I have to take it. I mentioned my writing and this weblog getting a bit blurry previous time. Not written as neat as I wanted it to. I believe when I do hard, my writing shows it through and my blog gets blabby. (I don't know if that's a word, but I mean a bit messy with it) 

I got a bit disappointed the dessert bible isn't out yet, while the publisher promised me it would be previous year in November or December. It's something to look forward to as dessert making is one off the best things in my life. (I'm not over-acting it, it's a big hobby off mine) I'd love the dessert bible being published one off these days. 

My cold has faded within a night. I kid you not. I must have a guardian angel on my shoulder when it comes to such issues. It's good to have one. I appreciate mine deeply. 

I have had a cold and medication switching is not going easy, but so far I can say I survived this week but don't ask me how. It's been incredibly hard and I'm not as content with life as I was a few years ago. I live the life off a mentally sick woman. Haha. (I actually am one, but now it gets more and more serious and wrecking) I wish I had a more fullfilling life where I would care more for my hobbies, but to be honest, I do hard setting myself to a lot off things. Sometimes I'm so glad my small home is so nicely put togheter and decorated and just sitting here is nice. Just to sit somewhere and have coffee and small talk makes me glad a lot off time. My mind is so tired most off the time and over-prickling it is never a good idea. I mentioned my brain and I are emotionally tired a lot since I learned from Psych2go on Youtube what that contains. Aside from schizophrenia, I'm tired due to it a lot. Medication also makes people incredibly tired most off the time. drained from energy and it's probably a bit too much to truly cure that for a guardian angel since it's almost chronically. Nothing is sacred, except sleep. I bale a bit that I have to get up early again for medication each morning. 

I hope this new medication works out like it's supposed to. That saves me from more trauma when it comes to medication and even more nasty switches as they're hell. I believe I can speak off trauma because off it since it hurts so much physically. It's cruel. I hope they will invent something that works in easier and less painfull, that doesn't fatten and which works against psychosis. I don't know why mental health care has to be so cruel sometimes. It's always been a drama historically seen, but they could make those pills easy to take. I suppose I should be glad I live in this time since it could have been terrific if I lived about 60 years ago with this issue. It's still something terrible. But at least I'm capable to do my best in life when I'm at my best and do good for my surrounding. It still sucks. 

At least there is sunshine these weeks. At least I can live, despite it being hard. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 17th off March, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was mainly sunny. It was a bright day in almost spring. 

*

This morning I got send home even before finishing my second coffee after medication for having a heavy cold. Just when you think things can't go worse, it's growing a bit above my head at the moment with the entire situation. I'm mentally not taking it due to medication switches and then I had a cold so I couldn't have coffee or eat at de Boed. Just when you think nothing worse can be taken away off you, life offers so much opportunities in that. Blah. I have a nasty cold. Just when the promised sunshine comes in. 

No corona, luckily, but I believe they will test me the entire time to be certain about this one. I have runny eyes, runny nose, sneezing all the time and no energy. But that's nothing new. I usually have no energy to fullfill life. Or to take on life. One good thing is that I didn't go over-eating today and I went moderate with breakfast and lunch. I simply didn't allow myself. And it worked. I'm not tired this evening since I was in bed all day today. I'm so glad and thankfull to have this tiny flat and care takers to provide me healthcare this day and era. I'm not alone as long as they help me. Loneliness would have killed me these days if I stood for it all alone. Luckily I have health care. I can't say it in any other way. 

I went out in PJ's today to get my dinner since I had to get it myself. It wasn't much off an issue today. I wasn't faded out by the medication switch, but I'm certain as long as I have a cold, I can't do much in life either. I had my laundry folded by a care taker today. I could set myself to laundry and then someone folded it for me. I'm thankfull they did. My mind still works despite there always being this potential danger off driving it to the edge and going too far in it and going mad again. That's why I live here. Life isn't easy, but it's necessairy for me to have this. (It's nothing to be jealouse off, to be honest. It's a necessity) It's a day to praise healthcare. I would have been death if I had to live with this alone. I still have headaches and a feeling that causes uneasy feelings in my head today. But I'm alive. 

It's been probably a good thing after all to have quit my daycare job at the attelier since I'm seriously fighting it these days. It's too hard to work but I can still live and do allright in life. But I'm probably fake optimistic about it since it's more hard than what I'd like to share. It's not all sunshine and roses. Far from it. But I think I should be thankfull for healthcare services in this country. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 16th off March, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been forecasted as a nice day off spring. - but it was cloudy and almost depressing today, and a lot colder than what they had predicted half a week ago. I felt a bit upset by it. I wasn´t feeling utterly bad, but still a bit dissapointed in the weather. They said it was because off Sahara dust flying all up untill into our country and causing the weather to be cloudy and the sky a bit orange. Sometimes that happens. And then again it was more cold and even a bit rainy at the end off the day. Such incidents. 

Today was also for voting our city counsils. I hope the left will finally grow back again and be capable to form a true fist against national socialism trying to scoop this country over and cause agression, polarisation and unfriction off society as a whole. It´s none or less their fault this society has gone to fail and decepts a lot off people according to some. The left has a world to win. Usually I went with the Socialistic Party, but they have been making stupid mistakes and a lot off cool people have ended their SP membership. It´s a hard one for me since I have been standing up with them for better health care, taking part in protest marches and political actions for them. I believed in something that didn´t last in the end. 

I´m thinking off ending my membership with them either. I believed they had it in them to turn the tide and prevent the country from going downward so much if they had made the right choices and wheren´t so corrupt themselves. Dissapointment numbers are increasing this evening. Ah, well. Up to the main blog. 

*

Life is not easy at this moment for me. I am literally fighting a medicine change that costs me entire mornings in bed with a terrible hurt head, not being capable to do things at all the entire day. I take my medication, have two cups off coffee at de Boed and then go straight back to bed untill coffee time in the afternoon. I head there again for two more cups off coffee and waiting untill dinner and then go home untill I have to get my medication again. Most off the time I lay in bed all day feeling sick as a dog but they say I have to make it through this stage off switching. It feels as if I'm fighting it on the edge off death or alive sometimes. It's the hardest I've been through in years. I barely care about Ukraine since I'm fighting my personal disease as much as this. Doesn't mean I'm ignorant about the situation as I follow the news when I'm capable to (It doesn't even frighten me anymore when I compare it with my personal situation. The hurt in my head is that big) but I have more important issues to face at this moment. 

Life is tough, my darling- but so are you. 

Hopefully I am, a short period before this, I was afraid off a nuclear war since Putin invaded Ukraine. But since my mental situation got worsened, I have my hands full off this. Today seemed optimistic. Yesterday I felt de Boed was too crowded and I had to take a break after afternoon coffee before dinner. But today I made it there the entire time and could have chats and support from people there and sit in the main hall. Most things seem to have faded to the background compared to what I'm facing these days. Doctor, my foot doesn't hurt so much since you stepped on the other foot- that way off curing it. It's strange enough a bit calming in the evening when everything is done and you realize the hurt you've been through mended other things to the background. I don't know how this is going to affect me in the long term, trauma upon trauma. I have never been so wobbly and frightened for myself before and I suppose I can't take much more after this. 

I have no 'uitlaatklep.' in baking for de Boed and serving their afternoon coffee on saturday anymore these weeks since baking seems a bit too hard. Even that is too hard at this moment.  

Allright, that´s about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 13th off March, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was the first cloudy day after a range off sunny yet cold days which where perfect for a sunny winter with cold and freezing nights. 

*

Yesterday I couldn't sleep. I had a hard time sleeping thinking off a phrase from a psych2go video a lot: 

'How the hell can we be happy if we are so tired all the time?'

(Psych2go is a channel I can mainly recommend as their video's are feelgood psychology for everyone.) 

Well, I was overthinking that phrase while not being able to sleep. It felt hard especially since I'm in the middle off a medication change I hope will take place peacefully. Then my enemies from the Vana Events crowd/ event audience came to my mind, trying to keep me awake and keep me from sleeping. Saying I had to die and they would be nothing but glad if I did. (They hate me that much) and I had to burn white sage incense to chase them and their evil spell away. No matter if they did that or not, my mind felt they where hating on me again and I often know I'm correct. They're that childish about me. I don't waste time on them and usually I see people in a milder light than they tend to see me. They told me they where hatefull on me again and they challenged me to burn white sage. I was lucky to have a full package on hand in my arsenal, I felt almost panicking about it. I have burned a lot off white sage incense but my day was wasted for being exhausted all day. I hate not being able to sleep while an event like medicine changing takes place in my life. I honestly won't ever trust the venomous and envious event audience again as they have been mean and cruel for a long time. I prefer to see people in a milder light and try to stand above worldly quarrels and fights but they have seriously hurt me. I couldn't sleep all night thanks to them being mean and attacking my sleeping pattern in my mind. 

If you happen to be one off those people who haven't been cruel and venomous from the Vana Events crowd and who can see me in a grown up light without hating on me: Thank you. I distrust a lot, but I also know not everyone has been 'like that.' but a lot are and I hate that about them. I had a hard time catching sleep while worrying about my enemies. People from Gortershof and de Boed don't know about my past with Vana Events and Fantasy internet forums. I like to keep it at that as it makes it easier to befriend people and keep to my position as 'above.' their worldly quarrels and fights as I prefer that. Often I don't take part in fights in my living area. I've learned my lesson the hard way. Staying neutral in fights, being friendly with them and baking them great goods has gained me almost everyone's liking. In return, I love their acceptance off me as that doesn't often take place in my life. I appreciate their friendship. Not everyone loves me to the moon and back, but I even consider myself a diffrent person than I was before this place. Being accepted and neutral comes with a feeling off responsibility and being far less likely to be witty all the time with people. I'm not a sarcastic loner anymore. 

I just wish I could sleep at night. Without thinking off people who can still drink my blood as that would not be fair after four, almost five years off distance but somewhere in my head, they still gossip tremendously about me. It's somehow been traumatizing what happened. I can't put it any other way. The massive hatred after that unfair treatment was too much for me to handle and I broke down. That's what it comes down to it in my head. Enough to worry about at night. 

When I'm not worrying about Ukraine or whether or not seeking places where my crush might be and having a sore stomach from medication, I have my head still chock full with worries about the enemy. It's a scar I'm not likely to forget. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 6th off March, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny, but despite there being sun it's freezingly cold and I think it's a bit too cold to be outside. It looks good, but it's still a bit tricky today. 

*

I had no bakings this weekend or this week since I feel sick, tired and wobbly on my feet from medication switching. I'm very tired all day and I feel like I have to take more from de Boed than I can give to them. This is normal for a psychiatric patient, but I feel I have to take dinner, lunch and care from them and not giving them anything back- like a nice baking and serving their afternoon coffee on Saturday. What I do now is usuall client behaviour. I'm sorry to say. I'm too sick to bake. I feel like sleeping all morning and then doing nothing all evening untill dinner, then have medication and then sleep very early untill I have to get medication in the morning early. Life is hard at this moment. 

I can hold a computer and write you things. That is a positive thing. I had coffee this afternoon with a care taker, that is another positive thing. I was capable to make my own coffee and share a cup and do my story to a new face. After that I felt like rest, and the third and fourth positive thing this afternoon, I played a CD and had my window open for the entire afternoon. I had fresh air. Fresh air and water and lots off tea do well for me at the moment. I'm weak this period off time. I believe I'll be capable to pour myself a cup off tea this evening and that's about it. I feel terrible. 

My bakings where missed. People asked me about it but I had to tell them 'no.' and I have to tell them 'no.' for the next week. That somewhat sucks. I took part in a creative course at de Boed, which is very close to my home. I could roll myself there if I had to but any further than that I'm not capable. I managed Saturday to do something creative with them and that again gives me the feeling I 'took' more than I 'gave.'  but it's what I needed. I eat my dinner there every evening and I need them these months.  

Something positive about this period off time, I'm not depressed anymore. I feel terrible for having to change medication, but the main negative feeling off mourning has faded off. I don't know how that came. Some might say it'd be more natural to feel depressed when you're in such a state off battling your disease and something that comes with it, but I don't know how I managed to overcome depression- to fall into the next battle. I know I'm dependent on de Boed the upcomming weeks and not capable to do fun stuff and have my own business sorted out, but I have been dependent on mental health care since forever, so I shouldn't be too bothered with it. But so to say- I can forget shopping sprees and family visits this period off time. As I need to stay close to the source off care and not force myself to too much. I'm glad I have a small home with acces to care. That's what I can be positive about. But it's hard. 

de Boed has their trouble at this moment too. They are under employed and couldn't supervice me making soup this week. I wasn't capable to do Wednesday Soup this week. Otherwise I would have made them an alcohol free onion soup. I hope I can shoot it next week but I feel terribly weak. And they have a lot off people who are sick this week and caught Corona. Corona is everywhere these weeks. I hope we will be capable to survive it all and  get up again soon but I have no hopes for that. It's a hard week. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.        

Hector the ladybug

 Hector the ladybug 

Cute and adorable 

I feel stuck 

Hector the ladybug

A bug with a suit 

I want to snug

Hector the ladybug 

might or might hit like a lightningstruck 

Hector the ladybug 

He's so cute 

He stands for luck 

Hector the cute and adorable 

-ladybug- 

Stands for outstanding luck 

This could be the opening jingle to a children's cartoon about a ladybug, a man in a ladybug suit who brings luck to the people he meets. Something in an almost nostalgic 80's or 90's look. Not from a computer program but actually drawn and brought to live on TV. How cute would such a TV show be? 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 1st off March, 2022 (2).

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and depressing but forecasts are promissing and we already had a small sample off the sun this weekend. 

*

Don't be shocked by the next story about personal health. 

I hope my ladybug guardian angel reads this. But there was an incident today on finding my veins. I have to be taken off blood for a bloodtest but they couldn't vind a suitable vein as mine lay pretty deep. The GP assistant tried to prick me twice but nothing came from it. I felt a bit sick the previous weeks so GP showed up and tries to find any infection under my skin where it can come from. I feel a bit sneezy every often and a bit gloomy (Sunshine does miracles for it) especially at de Boed. I can be sneezy and a bit sick but I'm not feverish so a thermometer can't find anything when they test me. I'm supposed to have a few bloodtests this year to see if I'm not sick underneath and one by psychiatric health to see if my system and my organs work well. 

I believe in miracles, if you are a ladybug guardian angel, or better, THE ladybug guardian angel... please help me out? I would appreciate very much. 

Thank you. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 1st off March, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was gloomy, but this weekend and monday we had the brightest days in months and I loved sunbathing. Every morning after medication I was in the sun at de Boed's terrace with my morning coffee. Usually from about 9.00 untill 12.00. I. Love. Sunshine. when it doesn't burn me. 

*

I love the sun. Something sunny and cheerfull to share with you this evening, the weather forecast predicts more sun by the end off the week and as long as it's not scorching, I love it. 

(Here comes the sun - The Beatles) 

*

Aside from enjoying my morning coffee in the sunshine, I have little other to share with you except that medicine changing is going with ups and downs. One day I'm fine, the other day I feel terrible and it's never a constant state off mind. Switching medication is hard, but it's necessairy. I'm not changing to halidole, but to a new medication which hasn't been on the market for long but which shouldn't make me as fat as the one I'm brought off to. I have to take it easy. Sometimes the new meds bring me to a rush where I want to do all kinds off things and be buisy with shopping or doing something adventurous and fun during daytime, up untill evening where I feel exhausted. As far as that goes, I did my monday grocery shopping by myself this week. I walked quite an end to the nearest shop and got what I needed. I barely do that. Due to medication and disease I'm quite dependent on the grocery van but it's not the end off the tunnel. I will have to wait untill the medication is settled in completely and I will get enhighering from it this week to cover my mental disease completely. 

I shouldn't cheer too early but it's somewhat off a promise to wish to go shopping more and do things instead off just sitting on a chair and watch time tick away like most off the time these months. I have been doing that a lot the previous weeks. I have to watch my money by now and keep in mind I can't shop like there's no tomorrow since I'm not rich, but it was nevertless fun. I shouldn't get off the Gortershof terrain too much with new medication in my system. It's fun to gather stuff, though. I believe we can speak off mild 'Mania's' when I'm on such rushes. It's fun but like everything, it shouldn't be overdone. It's as if I have been opressing myself too much and everything is comming out now somehow. The rushes don't feel nice, however. It's nothing more than logic after two years off opressing ourselves due to Corona. I have to go easy on myself and not do stupid things, however. 

I hope things will work out well for me. 

Allright, that's about it. 

Thank you for reading.