Good evening at the 30th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a warm and sunny day untill this evening. It's raining while I write you this. I think it should rain more this summer to keep our crops and our farmers sattisfied, and to keep the land from being dried out. (I somehow started to see it from a more adult point off vieuw. Plus it keeps the summer from being too hot, which I can't handle very well.) So- Let it rain, let it rain! 

*

This week's soup was Belgian garden pea soup with a lot off mustard. From topchef Seppe Nobles out off his cookbook 'Een kookboek.' Which has won the golden cookbook 2021. (Best cookbook off the year in the Netherlands.) It was worthit, the soup was so good we where out off it during one lunch time. Usually we have a bit off it left over for the day after. But it's been all gone wednesday. I can recommend 'Een kookboek.' by trying this soup alone. (I tried it before but I wasn't sattisfied about my use off mustard. Now I definetely am. I have used enough mustard this week.) People thought it a daring combination by hearing my plans for 'garden pea soup with a lot off mustard.' But where definetely sold when trying. So a big thumbs up for 'Een kookboek.' (I doubled the ingredients for the receipe since we have a lot off eaters each week during my souplunch) I'm proud to say I almost keep up with Wednesday Soup for two years in September. It deserves an anniversary soup. I have fans who love to eat my soup each week (Among clients, neighbours and staff) and I got compared to hotels and restaurants all the time. I love it. I love what I'm doing each week. Aside to that, I love the cooking proces and it's always a good challenge to get a pot off fresh soup at the table for them.

I love improving on receipes and trying new things every now and then. It's an anniversary worthit the celebration when I'm at it. I compare my soup to the stage peformance off Faun when I'm at it sometimes. I wish for it to taste like that while I work my ingredients and bring it all togheter. It just has to be perfect. 'It has to taste like a Faun-performance.' But usually I keep that for myself since I don't expect the fans to know what Faun is, and they might wrinkle their eyebrows when hearing what kind off music that is. But it works to prepare the best soup I can.  

Good old paprika soup has a fan. My go to receipe which I've improved a lot has someone who requested it. I stopped improving since I thought it's been to a point where it's at it's best. Not realizing it obtained a fan on the way, who grew fond off me improving it. So after next week (Which is for chicken soup) I will prepare paprika soup for my loyal fan and the other fans.  

I'm going to get medication enhighering this weekend. I'm preparing for a weekend where I will feel incredibly bad at the point where I have to lay in bed all the time after taking it in, only capable to have coffee in the morning at de Boed untill it gets too bad. I can't serve coffee or make soup when it's at it's worst. (This medicine is that nasty) I'm going to try to keep you informed about the proces. 

I'm also in a fight against the pimples on my forehead. Self-care matter. As a psychiatric patient, I slacked in skincare for quite some time but now I start to care again about my face and looking better. Or at least fresh when I go out in the world. After one week it started to become less, but I'm still working on my face and looking flawless again with the help off organic skincare. There was a time when my face looked flawless and perfect and I got complimented on it a lot. Stupid little me decided to slack (Or maybe it was quetiapine whispering that in my ears. I have become more lively and less depressed after to have quit with that medicine.) and now I have to keep it up with my skincare again to get that billion dollar supermodel skin again I was famous for among people who knew me. (I'm glad I can set myself to it this time and it doesn't require too much off my will-power, like at the deepest off my depression.) 

Can a mental girl look good again when she tries? When she really tries, like anyone else? I hope so. I'm not a fan off a lot off make-up and I never have been. I used to use organic skincare not tested on animals to take care off my skin. I just hope it also works out this time. It has been the first week I have been on it and it already looks less. They say you should give it at least three weeks to get real results. (Given I'm not using something agressive on my face which should work instant against pimples. But I don't believe in that.) I wish to look young and fresh and beautifull again. (It's a good start.) 

Every well-thinking woman has a skincare routine and if you wish for your head to look good, you definetely should have one in my opinion. It makes a diffrence. I hope I can wash the results off polution and dirt, and grease on my skin off my face after to have skipped for almost three to four years. A forehead full off pimples was a good wake-up call to quit with that since I hate pimples on my face. (My skin didn't look good anymore, but it started to bother me this time) I also decided to use a weekly scrub and a face mask to do something against it. I wish to be pretty like an angel again. Or a supernatural, divine beautifull witch for those who can't stand me. Either way, it would do good to fix my face. I know some medication can have pimples as a result. I hope this new stuff doesn't or I should really stick well to my skincare routine. A side pro is that I feel more fresh during summer while doing this. 

I've written A LOT about skincare today, but it's that important to me. (I'm sorry. I'm not more or less superficial than most people.)

 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 29th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright and sunny and it was perfect summer weather. 

*

Today was for seeing the psychiatrist. I'm not doing well recently and I told him my story. Aside to my mental nurse I had my personal care-taker from Leviaan there to help me with the appointment. I got medication enhighering. It wasn't to my suprise since I expected something like that. It's what they're most likely to do when I get wobbly. 

The main goal why I changed medication, more liveliness, loosing weight, more energy, worked. But it came with more unstableness in my mind. I'm less depressed, but the mental issues have increased. It's one way or the other. Psychiatric medication always comes with terrible side effects. I'm so glad I finally loose a bit off weight. It doesn't go fast, but it's working. I hope I won't loose that effect. But a wrecked mind on the other hand is even more terrible. 

It's been so warm outside I decided to allow myself an extra shower this evening. It's been a good idea. Under temperatures like this- it's a good idea to keep yourself clean. And grooming myself goes a bit better these weeks. (I'm so glad for it since this suits me more. I'm almost there in my opinion. I don't overdo it, but basic clean isn't such an issue anymore) 

I haven't truly mentioned the war in Ukraine once on this weblog. I'm not ignorant about it but I'm fully aware I can't do anything about it with a big mouth on the internet. Somehow I learned the painfull way that that doesn't work about anything for me. Wee little me can't safe people from there and I'm more concerned about the consequences it has for my direct surrounding. Poverty increasing. Though the last soldiers in mariupool and their fate break my heart too, I feel more with people not being capable to pay the energy bill and groceries anymore. Does that sound mean? I'm sorry but I'm realistic about it the way I see it. It's an unfair fight, no matter how you look at it and people being very poor and becoming even more plucked by the war in my direct surrounding is more off my concern. I hate poverty, I hate unfairness. I hate the whole situation people are in. Poverty against their might. What's happening abroad doesn't even bother me all that much. (I'm sorry to say) 

I hope medication enhighering doesn't drain me too much and put me in bed again for a week to get over with like the medication switch did. I think for me personal it's best to focus on medication enhighering and my small attemps to keep this home clean, despite the caretaker who was supposed to help me to have walked out on me since she got in a fight with the care taker who helps with my living situation about the way she works. I hated her from the begining on but I never had the guts to stand up against her since she has an overruling personality. I should be glad she got put in her place. But she also made sure my home was spick and span and that's why I kept her. Now that business is all up to me. And like I said, basic grooming already is a thing for the mental. So keeping a home tidy is even more so for some. (Like me.) I need care with taking care off my home. I believe it can't be helped. But I got my hands full in cleaning my toilet every week and cleaning my bedsheets. I'm not a housewife /homeworker. I'm not suitable for that and I never have been, unfortunately since it would have came in handy to be good with that. I try to make sure it's not dangerously unhygienic- but most is said with that. I think it's a shame how that caretaker treated me and she deserves a complaint to the management somehow. I don't want her back after what she has done since that's beyond a border. But it's not how you handle people in my opinion if you work in mental health care. (Most people around here can drink her blood. She should have been fired long ago for setting up everyone against her.) 

I hope medication enhighering doesn't kill me somehow next week, or already tomorrow if they deliver fast. I lost days on changing it the previous time and that should be off my biggest concern for now. I can prepare by keeping myself and my bedsheets clean (Or at least trying.) and my fan on. It's hot summer and it's already hard without medication enhighering. 

I'm going to do it. I wish to be proud off myself for doing this and fullfilling this step. (I like to think that way. But when I do, often things are harder than I can handle.) I can't really approach an American mindset. I think I'm going to do hard and it's not easy peasy. Wish me luck. 

Allright, that's about it for now - 

Thank you for reading.     

Good afternoon at the 28th off June, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's cloudy and somewhat warm, but it's not sunny. I must say I prefer this over summer heath. But I have been around in a summer dress for two days now so I was prepared for something else. (Yesterday was rainy with thunderstorms. So I changed throughout the day to T-shirts and pants. I haven't been watching a forecast. Silly me.)  

*

I have been lazy these days. When it's hot outside, all I feel like doing is laying on my bed with my fan on and just chill untill evening when it gets cool and I can live again. I don't withstand summer heath that well. But I can't continue like this for the next three months. I have to make a plan to get on my feet again and do at least basic things. 

Speaking off which- I felt so bad in my head I haven't done coffee service on monday and last night I needed emergency medication. I feel those nasty cramps all the time. This weekend it seemed a bit better, but I don't feel well after all. So I have to take it easier these days. I couldn't do coffee service and I bale about that. But the nastyness in my head seemed too heavy. It's still heavy. Emergency medication softned it a bit but it's almost as if the cramps have become more constant. I hate that. Now it's gone but I'm wobbly all day for to have taken emergency medication. (It's often a pick between extremes when it comes to this) All that emergency medication in combination with summer heath also makes me prefer to stay in bed all day most off the time since heath does something with your system when it's hot. It's as if it warms up the brain and increases the effect off drowsy making meds. I think I somehow should take care off clean bedsheets, enough hydratation and to be clean and showered myself on days like that. It's not easy to keep the thing fresh when I'm like that. But the other option is to lay in bed all sweaty and filthy for weeks and I'm not a fan off that idea. I hope I can manage my plan since I often slack in basic care and that's why I live in a care home. 

Today I had coffee with creampuffs this morning. The coffee did well for my system. I feel more alert and more awake and that's why the world drinks coffee. I have the feeling you'd get away with eating pastries and having coffee all around the world. There is no religion which forbids coffee or tea and a pastry. It's something the most strict believer can live with. Though Buddhism would tell you not to overdo it and so do religions which mention care for the human body. Or religions which are strictly vegan. Then you would not get away with creampuffs. (I love creampuffs more than spirituality. They came fresh from a bakery and they where just too good. But like I told you before- I'm no vegan and I would not be capable to keep up with that.) I groom and take care off my face with cruelty free products. That makes up for not being vegetarian, let alone vegan. But for most religions counts you can perfectly go for coffee time with a sweet treat. 

Am I doing it sober again in life? Well, not strictly. I'm simply not spending a lot off money mainly and I have re-stored some off my stocks but I'm not officially on a no-spend-summer. I'm simply not spending a lot off money these days. But to be honest, I'm not a rich person so it's no use spending untill I'm blue. I decided going at other places to have cappuccino or ice coffee is not going to be it since I'm lazy this summer. Really, you can't spend your last dime when you're in bed a lot when it's hot. Really, I don't like summer heath. Today feels like an excellent day to change bedsheets, however. And be sure I can sleep in a clean bed for a while. 

I have the luck most construction is almost done on this building. It's too noisy to read a novell, but it's allright enough to be in bed if you ignore. (I'm pretty hard headed. I can handle this level off noise.) 

I like the idea off a clean bed, I love the sound off my laundry machines and I like using fancy laundry wash and softner. - So I'm off to that task for now. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good morning at the 24th off June, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's raining cats and dogs at this moment. It's a needed cool down from yesterday as it was hot in the Netherlands. In this country, a period off hot weather is often changed with thunderstorms and this rain was one off these. 

*

I had some very ripe bananas, and a few eggs left, so what's a girl to do? Yep, baking banana cake. 

It's made with cookiespices and I also found a bag off almonds in my cupboard, so I used that too. On top is icing sugar. This cake will help me with my mission to 'soften the sharp edges off the crisis.' This morning, and help people cope with construction work on their homes (As that is more important this morning. More than half off the building is done. It's almost finished and that's a good thing.) It's my coffee shift this morning and I hope I can serve the annoyed, early morning crowd a slice off this to soften their troubles. And it's rainy. Bakings taste better when it's bad weather in my opinion. 

I'm doing a bit better, mentally. I won't say I'm all good again as that can be cheered too early. But the worst issue is gone and I feel a tiny bit better. It felt good to talk things over with care staff and share my thoughts with them. I don't know if that helped me dealing with this massive issue that seemed to bother me for almost a month. 

And I had no Corona. The test at the office was negative. I'm going to try if I can catch some sleep again. Since my morning energy after sleeping is almost as sacred to me as sleeping itself. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 22nd off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright and sunny and the perfect start off summer. 

*

I have a problem. Not a first world problem since this would be considered a problem everywhere, but still- A problem. I'm loosing my taste. I'm doing hard tasting cooked foods and tasting my Wednesday Soup was impossible for me today. I hate it. I got complimented today on how perfect it tasted, so there wasn't much off a problem there. It's just that I wasn't really capable to taste it myself. It's a thing I had during my Corona infection, loss off taste. This morning was for a feeling off almost fainting when making soup. I'm incredibly tired and I blamed it on three nights off lorazepame I had to take to feel less mental. I hope my taste will come back, and making soup will be less hard for me when it's hot outside. We could also blame it on the weather. I hope it's not Corona. Last time I got it I got away with it luckily. I hope nothing bad will come from it when I catch it this time. (I hope I won't catch it at all.) That would be something. Catching corona with all this construction going on around me and inside the building. That's not really preferable for this situation. I have no space to rest with all the drilling going on if that had to be the case, let alone sleep. But let's hope my system will take on this lightly and safe my ass from getting sick during a renovation. Ladybug Guardian Angel, anyone? 

Actually I looked really forward to my soup today as I thought it would taste perfect. But it was a downer for me today. 

Allright, I have little to say this evening. 

That's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 21st off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

The day went by cloudy, changing with sun. 

*

An ode to spring. 

My computer is acting a bit nasty so I didn't had the opportunity to cut this picture clean, but it's a picture off a self-coloured mandala I made at de Boed with materials they had there. The pencil bin isn't such a mess as it used to be. Everything is quite organized nowadays and it's good material. It doesn't go with my theory that 'Talent doesn't take expensive materials.' anymore since the quality off all pencils and markers is increased and to an acceptable level. (Due to someone who donates good quality pencils and markers all the time.) I got this from a colouringbook they had there. At least the colouring book staple is an unorganized mess. But that gives me a lot off material to work on the upcomming period. Let's keep on seeing the positive in negative situations, like adults here use to do a lot. (To a point where it's annoying. But in this situation, there is positivity.)   

It represents spring, An ode to the end off spring. The perfect way to start summer with. I finished this today. I said I hope the year will unravell itself, but it needs our help. People can't just sit on a chair and expect it to happen. Usually that doesn't work. With help and a little work, this year will unravell itself more than at the first half. That's what I think and I hope it isn't nonsense. This year is a good one so far. Let's hope it will stay that. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Edit: This is the cut and turned version off this image. A perfect coloured mandala and I think I should be gratefull to the person who donates markers and pencils to us. That's not forced gratefullness, that's more off a natural 'I mean it.' gratefullness. 

Good afternoon at the 21st off June, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's sunny outside but it's not overly hot. 

And then you realise the first half off the year is almost over, a half off which you tried to make your best out off, since winter and spring can be boring and you live far off so every sunday without a baking is lame and boring and a bit off a waste. Hopefully the year now will fullfill itself (It already does. It's a good year so far and let's not be ungratefull (For real this time.). It's a good year, and often things work out well for me.) 

*

Tonight was for a terrible delusion. I don't like to share too much details but I needed an entire lorazepame again to fight the worst part off it. I'm glad I took a day off from everything and have the peace in my own home (Aside to construction work outside) to recover from it, and from that heavy lorazepame. Lorazepame works quite heavy through. I have been taking an extra for quite some days now and I believe we're at the point where it shows it's addictive sides. Lorazepame is addictive if you take too much off it. I don't like the idea off being a medication addict. I already take a mild dose every evening to get to rest, but now I take even more to get over with what I'm going through. It was a positive delusion, but it's probably not a good idea to tolerate  it if it comes in so heavy. It was downright manic. That delusion was almost drug work. It's bad and I don't like it. Then again, medication saved the day and made me sleep last night. Luckily I will see my nurse this day. She immediately made an appointment after she called me and that should be in the news headlines since that's rare, that they take immediate actions. But it's so needed, I'm probably in sight as an emergency case again. 

Allright, it's not much for now, but it's allright, 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 20th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny, changing with now and then a cloud. 

*

Today was for a little escape from the construction scene. I went out for lunch at a local restaurant, but I ended in some place I've never been before. A beer tap where you can taste all kinds off beers, but where they serve soft drinks and lunch aswell. It's good to discover new places every now and then. I had bread with croquettes for my lunch and an ice tea (I'm not allowed alcohol, and I knew the consequences off drinking would be health care not letting me go out there again.) and a change off atmosphere but I don't know if I liked the place or not. My usuall (Well, usuall, I got there a lot before corona. I still have to get used to it being open again) restaurant was closed on monday. That's why I ended up there. But the experience was nevertless a good one since I had never been there before and it's good to discover. 

 Instead off grocery shopping, I ordered my groceries at the grocery service since I didn't feel like doing the usuall on a monday morning and having the same old lunch at de Boed seemed even less attractive at that moment. 

Coffee service went nevertless great and was fun to do. I have been serving coffee this morning at de Boed like I do every Monday and Friday nowadays. I love to do so. After having lunch at the beer tap, I went back to de Boed and had afternoon coffee and started colouring a mandala. I started one. After quite a while I started colouring something again and that's almost worthit a celebration since I barely can find the energy or the spirit to do something creative lately. They can hang out the flag over that mandala. I have to place the last dots on the i tomorrow since I'm thinking off giving it more depth by shading. But I finished it a great lot and tomorrow I will picture it and place it on the interwebs. Today has been a good day. Despite it has been exhausting. Last night I had to call the Leviaan night service to bring me an emergency medication and I've slept after 3.00 AM. I'm tired from my round outside this terrain. And from colouring. I don't have much energy, so it's been a lot for my doing. 

Allright that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

 

Good evening at the 19th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

This morning started with a big thunderstorm, the day went by cloudy. 

*

Today went by sensitive. The morning was for cleaning the house (with help) but this afternoon was for crying over my father and his family. It's my brother's birthday and it's father's day. I wasn't capable to go to my brother's birthday since I felt bad for quite a period. Ever since Ascension day, or even before it since I remember to have come home from it due to mental issues. I feel lame. 

I bought my brother some presents, he will come over here for coffee the next weekend and they will bring a pastry so I can still celebrate his birthday. This day has brought something good, after all. 

But this afternoon was for crying over my dad and his family since most off them are gone. Father's day is always sensitive for me. When the app suggests me to ask 'when will it be fahter's day?' I have the answer: 'Never again. Since my father is dead.' For me there won't be father's day anymore in my lifetime. I don't need a silly app to suggest me to ask that. Today was for burning candles and a feeling off mourning. My dad and his family is missed. If there would be people in this world who would know how to cope with a life like mine, it would be them. 

It was also for ordering pizza and a thick shake, (Coffee flavour) since I didn't feel like having the bad foods they serve at de Boed today. I wanted something more tasty than haricots verts and boiled potatoes on a sunday like this. (I choose for my own. It was a good thing.) Usually I'm not ungratefull, but this day it felt like too much. 

Aside to that, the comfort off my own home felt better than de Boed and it's itchy bitchy fights during dinner time. It was also a good thing to eat in peace. 

Yesterday was for having fried fish and fries in a place known for it's fish. The restaurant was far from fancy, but the fish was the best food I've had in a long time and that says something. It's been quite emotional to do so, since it must have been at least 10 years since I went there with my family. Back when my dad was still alive. I have been enjoying my meal with a caretaker who drove me there by lunchtime. The fish is that good, you forgive the place how bad it looks on the outside. The caretaker promised me to do so more often. So every often I go out to have fish 'n chips. 

Tomorrow morning will be for serving coffee again. Then weekend ends and I have to get back to work. Leviaan also decided the coast is clear again for getting medication at the office again, so that will be the first thing tomorrow morning. 

Aside to coffee service and mourning, I think I wish to purchase a decorative rolling pin. One which rolls a pattern into your work so cookies will look more decorative, or cookie stamps. To treat myself for No-Spend-Month, I purchased the 'bites- bible.' A cookbook with all kinds off bites to go with a drink. Like said, I have to think about wheter I continue with it this entire summer. Officially, I would re-start tomorrow and safe untill the 20th off July if I had to do so again, but they tell me to look for escapes from the maddening renovation. So I have to spend at least a little money there. Two days off no renovation works was a downright luxury for me. Tomorrow I have to get out early again and deal with the construction noise again. But like said, I have my ideas for a decorative rolling pin to make sandcookies even more fancy. (I love baking sandcookies, and recently I also have a thing for baking poundcakes in all kinds off flavours) That's the great thing about sandcookies: They lend themselves well for creative decorating. But lately I found out I love giving them card shapes (Clubs, spades, diamonds, hearts) and that people think off them as less ugly if I don't make them 'poof.' So even if I will take it sober the next months, I can still have my way in baking them. 

This weekend was not for baking since it was too hot and I had nothing planned since I don't like being in the kitchen when the weather is hot. Still I have been eating like there's no tomorrow this weekend. Not the best idea in the world, but today was for making exceptions that where right for this day. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

 

Good evening at the 16th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and hot. A little too hot in my opinion. I don't like summer heath. 

*

I got the advice to escape the construction workspace every often to find my rest again, and something dangerous is going on nearby my home. 

I was thinking off a no-spend-summer, but to escape this place to places off my liking, I have to spend money on iced coffees or cappuccinos as the first thing that got to my mind was coffee spots. A nice cafetaria or barista where I can have a coffee or two and peoplewatch when these construction works are getting too much off me. (They already do, actually) I have no other idea in where to hide since my family is not available untill the end off the month to go to. I got this advice three times: 'Escape the construction place and go somewhere where you can take a break from it, and do so often the upcomming months.' I think I better follow that one up to not go batshit insane as it's already getting a better part off me than I please. Luckily mom got me some money some time ago, so I can get a coffee somewhere quiet. (I need a break from this, and it's an emergency so it's allowed.) 

At the same hallway lives a violent man who has caused many incidents and who got arrested a few times for it. Leviaan has their hands full off him and lately he has been extra violent and dangerous. So I got my evening and morning medication at home so I don't have to go out to the medication office in the morning and at night. They consider him that much off a threat. I got guarded to de Boed every morning to protect me from him. Protected living always has come with violent fellow clients. I hate it. 

A positive thing today was that the pot off chicken curry soup I made them got up entirely at de Boed during lunchtime. It was complimented again and it's probably the best thing about this week. 

I'm not doing so well. It's the summer heath, a mental issue, a strange ongoing belief that 'they.' are jealouse off my bakings and wish to put an end to it with black magic, and it's stress from the renovation that takes it's toll. Aside to that, I get stuffy from this weather. I do hard. The problem started with putting online that I could bake again after flour being back on the shelves again in supermarkets. It started a few weeks ago, and the issue, or better said, the feeling it caused off fear, hasn't stopped yet and still overpowers me all the time. I'm still afraid they wish to take it away from me and spoil it with their evil dark magic as how they've done several times in my life. They are jealouse and not to trust, and I'm afraid off their tentacles. I'm terrified, actually. But I don't want to let that get the best off me. 

I'm tired off all that extra lorazepame I had to take to keep it under control. If I was them, I would not be proud off this. I'm so tired. I'm not going to like the upcoming stuffy weekend. damp summer weather and high temperatures- Just too bad. 

Tomorrow morning will be for serving coffee again at de Boed. If the weather allows me. I just hope I will sleep well tonight and I can make it to the coffee bar tomorrow. It's such stuffy weather, I already feel I'm chocking from it. I hate it. I hope summer won't be entirely like this. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 15th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is warm, bright and sunny. It's a perfect summer (or almost- summer) day. 

*

I fullfilled it! I fullfilled the first step off No-Spend-Summer. I fullfilled a No-Spend-Month. I made it the entire month without spending money on extra's and without spending excessive extra's on grocery shopping. WOOT! I did it! I deserve a pat on the shoulder for this. 

Yesterday was for baking marble cake. Marble cake can be counted as a Dutch classic, but it didn't come out off it's mold as a whole. Still I did this with what's 'on the shelves' (Almond flour that had to be finished.) and I should have pictured the inside off these. They where pretty and worthit off a picture, I'd say! Unfortunately, or luckily, they where finished at de Boed before I could think off that idea. Marble cake with almond flour is not a Dutch classic, the almond flour isn't a classic part off it. But the way you make marble cake with the dark and light parts inside, kinda is. But there are many cultures where it's counted as a classic so I'm afraid we can't claim it. Today was for eating them. People at de Boed liked them.  

Today's Wednesday Soup was chicken curry soup. It was spicy but people liked eating it and we had picky neighbours over for lunch who where allowed to lunch with us due to the renovation. So I had to proove a thing or two this afternoon. Not everyone liked the spicyness, but most off my crowd did so I can count it a succes. 

Today I don't feel so bad. I feel pretty good, actually and I can't tell you why. Probably because it's a day with many good factors: Good cake, good soup, a fullfilled challenge. And I'm allowed to spend a bit off money untill the end off the week. Just a bit, since I'm still not incredibly rich. Still I have some air to breathe now. 

Summer is for saving it up a bit, and for not being sorry to Vana Events. I'm still not sorry to them for what I did. I still feel I'm right and I have been right all along, and my decision to never come back still stands as it's a relief to my soul not to do so. I'm freed off them and their unfairness. I still keep it at that as it feels so nice. Vana and it's nasty crowd have hurt too much to ever come back. 

This evening, I allow myself a small spending to celebrate my triumph this month. Something to re-fill my stock. A necessity I'm almost out off. Something I need to order. I deserve that. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good afternoon at the 13th off June, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is sunny and bright with here and there a cloud. 

*

My last No-Spend-Month weekend went incredibly well. I slept in pretty long at both days, had coffee and syrup waffles in my own home, and took time for myself completely. Saturday night was for an emergency which required the care office, but nothing bad happened. I needed some extra emergency medication on both days since I'm doing a bit bad this period, but I could manage myself and I haven't caused real trouble. 

This morning I could perfectly doll up with make-up that was still 'on the shelves.' Just a mild everyday brown eye make-up with some mild shimmer and a nice black mascara to look good for coffeeservice. (I wore a soft, sparkly strawberry lipgloss before having morning medication and coffee myself.) I have been serving people fresh coffee this monday morning and it went well since I love brightening their morning with coffee. Saturday I polished my nails and sunday (I still had that nailpolish 'on the shelves.) I was at de Boed, all dressed nice and dolled up with a hint off mascara and a soft, nude brown lipstick to look good. (And I'm wearing perfume.) And I had taken effort in blowdrying my hair. Look who's becomming vain this week. I take on my coffee shift as professional as I possibly can. I like my job. It's fun to wear make-up I haven't spend money on these weeks. 

Aside from flaunting on Sunday and a nasty attack in the evening on Saturday, not much has happened this weekend. 

Grocery shopping went well. I could afford it today and I know I will make it untill the end off No-Spend-Month with what I got. My mom advices me to keep on going the entire summer, just like what I planned to do. I think I will listen to that advice since aside to my birthday, I have no big plans for summer. It's going to be a good thing to keep up with it and be frugal this summer. Most people I talk about it with think it's a good thing. It seriously can't be bad for anything so I'm going to try. My stocks still haven't reached their bottom after one month off using them. After this period, it's time for a treat and to refill things that need to be refilled. Then I'm going to continue untill the 20th off July, and then after a few days break untill the end off August, or even untill the 21st off September. Mom is going to be proud off me, and so will be most people in my surrounding. It's a good thing in their eyes to be thoughtfull with your money. I have the luck I can handle money and never got out to make debts or do stupid things with it. To me, this is a fun challenge. To other people, this is the reality off the day for years not to be capable to spend money on extra's. Especially in these expensive times, it's a pro rather than a con to be economical and even frugal in what you spend. 

Mentally I'm not doing so well. I could do better. Often my thoughts are more powerfull than me and so is the thoughtpattern I'm often caught up in. It's stronger than me, I'm not capable to conquer it without help or medication. And that's what makes it dangerous. I needed emergency medication quite some times these weeks and even this weekend. It's why I took two days off from de Boed. The renovation also takes it's toll as it's quite noisy around this building during weekdays. Especially early in the morning. It's hard. 

Alright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 10th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today started cloudy with rainshowers, but it ended sunny and bright. 

*

I'm glad I could set myself to my morning coffee shift. It's so sattisfying to serve people their morning coffee on weekdays. I was a bit off-minded for having issues today, but luckily they didn't mind much. (If it was a more commercial place, I think I'd be in trouble. But this is an easy-going place where it's not much off an issue to work like that) I love my coffeeshifts. I even took effort to put mascara and lipstick on before work, and earrings and perfume. I never wear make-up on a daily base, but I take it kinda serious to look good for this job. 

Only 5 days left and I fullfilled the No-spend-month challenge. It wasn't a big challenge since I already do live sober on a daily base. I just took it a bit extra this month. Still I had fun my way with what I got 'on the shelves.' It was probably a good thing to finish those resources first instead off spending tons on new stuff. I have been baking cakes and cookies, I have been drinking great teas, I have been showering and cleaning with what I've got, I have been visiting my family without it being expensive, (Allright, charging my travelling card was kinda pricey. But it counts as a necessity in my opinion) I did everything that matters most to me. Making people soup each week, coffee shifts, having lunch and dinner at de Boed, (As those are costs I made appointments about and don't go off my pay account. Still it's more cheap than cooking my meals myself) and I'm still not through with stuff completely. I only went to a low priced hairdresser at the beginning off No-spend-month since that was an appointment I already made. I couldn't call it off. Aside to a little more wrapping paper, it's the only slip I made. 

 I still have 5 days to go but it goes incredibly well, and I've been lucky with my groceries. It hasn't been truly pricey these weeks for me. So I could save some money. I could take it easy with my money this entire summer. After all, who keeps me from it? It's my money and I'm in charge off it. (Still something in me wishes to buy two new t-shirts for summer.) I have to re-charge a few stocks before going completely sober again for the next time, but it's possible to do so. (And who knows, I don't have to be too harsh for myself. I could buy these two new t-shirts before being sober again.) It's not hard to live economical. These expensive days, it's a good trait rather than a bad one to be frugal. 

Mentally I'm not doing bad today. I think the morning coffee shift made my entire day good. So I don't feel so bad inside. I'm incredibly tired from having all these emergency medications this week. It exhausts your system to have these. But it was needed. It was a bad week so far. But today was quite positive. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.          

Good evening at the 9th off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today the weather was sunny and bright. I like this kind off weather, but I had to stay in buildings most off the time to not get burned / trouble from the sun's heath. (I'm sensitive for that.) 

*

Only 6 days and I've made it to the 15th. Groceries where affordable this week and I was positively suprised to find out it wasn't too expensive this week. (Despite purchasing -quite luxury- items I only buy when I order there.) If I make it to the 15th, my goal is reached big time when it comes to it. I can be proud off myself. If it's this easy, I can easily make it a No-spend-summer, with a few exceptions. (Like my birthday. But that's a story for later on.) 

I have to re-fill some off my stock to fullfill a no-spend-summer. I suppose those items can be declared necessities but I have been doing great in finishing what's 'on the shelves.' before buying new. 

I think I deserve a treat for taking it so sober over this month. I'm going to a fish restaurant with a caretaker in two weeks and it's something to look forward to since I love fried fish (sided with sauce and fries) and I haven't had it like that in a long time. (It's one treat I allow myself). I could purchase cookiestamps for myself. Cookiestamps are tools to give cookies a fancy pattern if you use them before baking. I have been thinking off buying them before but I think they're too expensive to buy casually. As a treat for an achievement, I could buy myself one set. (After I refilled my stocks. First things first but somehow I don't think it will be a problem.)  

Today was for enjoying a left over off my tomato soup for Wednesday Soup at lunch at de Boed. Community centre in Zaandijk. This week's soup was vegetarian tomato based on vegetable broth. (Usually I use chicken broth since it gives the best taste to most soups in my opinion) I think it was not bad, but it wasn't the best soup I've ever made. 

And I had a cup off coffee with the caretaker who folded my laundry for me today at home. She said I make good coffee. We had a good talk. I needed a bit off a rest from de Boed, but I wasn't all alone this afternoon. Talking about my problems with her did well to me. 

Tomorrow morning will be for my Friday Morning coffee shift at de Boed. Serving people their morning coffee. I love doing so and it gives me energy to do that job. I just hope I won't be too tired. A few weeks ago I was more energetic so I applied for that morning job. It's around the corner and it's fun to do. But since I have a fall back, a lot off things require more energy. Still I'm going to try tomorrow to see how far I can get tomorrow morning. (I hope I won't hate myself for it in winter, when I'm depressed and extreme low on energy, and it's still dark outside when I have my coffee shift.) It's something good to have a job. No matter how small. (On volunteer base, and low profile. Put me somewhere professional where it's too high end and I can't take it. But this is still fun) To me personal, It's fullfilling to do it. Wish me luck with getting out off bed tomorrow. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

    

Good evening at the 7th off June, 2022.

Good evening everyone, 

Today started gloomy, but it became a shiny and bright -almost- summer day.  

*

Only 7 days left, and No-Spend-Month will be a succes. Today was for ordering my weekly groceries at a grocery service instead off doing them at a supermarket. I don't feel well enough to make it on my own to a supermarket and I needed them. The grocery service is off good quality, though it's expensive. I know I can afford it. It's not really a problem but I hope I won't pay the headprice for it tomorrow, when they deliver.

Today was for baking fresh sand-cookies. Shortly after handing de Boed my Pentecost batch, I felt today like baking again istead off being bored at de Boed and do little. All ingredients where still 'on the shelve.' And didn't need to be bought. I got the awesome cookiecutter from mom a few weeks ago and it was a perfect opportunity to try. They taste great. And they smelled wonderfull. (I even still had self-selected cookie spices on my shelve.) 

Tonight we had more luck with our food. 'Be glad there is food!' well, tonight I was. We had an awesome pasta salad according to a receipe I suggested to de Boed. (It was my idea, and they had a lot off gratefull eaters today.) 

This receipe: 

It's not always depressing gloom. Sometimes an evening ends rather well, with great pasta salad and bright sunshine. I'm sensitive to that. This is a good evening for me. 

I personally don't do so well. I'm having mentall issues at the moment and tonight I was so bright and thoughtfull to call the Leviaan night service to hand me an 'if necessairy.' an 'if necessairy.' means emergency medication. I needed one around 24.00 P.M this night otherwise I sensed I could forget about sleep. This time I didn't lack to call the night service. I'm not doing well this period. I'm often overpowered by thoughtpatterns and far off. I contacted the care office and I got prescribed emergency medication for this time. (I didn't have that anymore for some time, but it's needed again.) As far as that goes, I took 3 out off 5 this weekend, ever since thursday. So I'm not having a good time.  

It could perfectly be I'm stressed by the renovation and I take it less well than hoped. And I hope it's just the renovation since that ends at some point. It doesn't literally take forever to renew this  building, but it's stressfull to live in it. I'm so incredibly tired. I have to take it untill this small complex is finished. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 5th off June, 2022.

 

Good evening everyone, 

It's raining cats and dogs outside. It's predicted to become a thunderstorm today. What most people say: 'Well, at least it's good for farmers and the garden.' 

*

I keep up with No-Spend-Month for about three weeks now and it goes well. I'm proud I have come this far without spending money on unnecessairily extra's. 10 days to go, and I fullfilled my purpose. It's not hard to keep up with this. Sometimes it's good to finish what's on the shelves and feel rich as a queen with what you still have. 

Speaking off which: 

I have been capable to make these without spending money on it's decoration and work with what I still had in my cupboard. (Which was pretty much.) These are chocolate coconut amaretto flowers. Made with the same cookiecutter I used 10 years ago in my delusion, but they're not quite it. First off all, I used baking powder to make them poof, and coconut, and amaretto syrup (It doesn't contain alcohol. But for an almond taste it was needed.) and I decorated it with cooking chocolate and large coconut chives. I have been quite creative with them. Not to bring out an anniversary cookie for that terrible period, 10 years ago, but simply to bake something for Pentecost. (And to follow that old delusional idea and make something good from it.) 

Low profile and cheap as they sometimes are, de Boed didn't have a treat with their coffee for Pentecost and it doesn't look like they have something with our coffee tomorrow. They had complaints about that from neighbours and clients and most off the time they don't take much effort in celebrating such things. It's closed tomorrow because it's a holiday (But it's open for people who live here and neighbours for coffee) but they don't have festive treats for them with coffee. I can't say I have been short today on something, but that's because the caretaker who worked today made an effort in doing her best for the (otherwise plain) meals for today. Without her, this would have been a gloomy and saddening day without anything extra for us. Tomorrow will be treated like a Sunday with them. If we don't make something out off it ourselves, we often have nothing. (Most sundays here go by boring and their highpoint is often one off my bakings with their coffee. I feel glad I can soften at least that edge for them.) 

When you're far off most things, Sundays go by boring. I often think off my dad on such days, who has raised me 'not to walk beside my shoes, and don't be ungratefull in life.' I don't like it, it's hard, but often I remind myself not to be ungratefull about what we do have and simply have coffee and company on those days. Often we have plain food on Sunday. Today was for a sauerkraut stamp with pineapple and a meatball. They had vienetta ice cream with whipped cream for dessert, but the stamp was rather something you'd eat on a cold wintersday. Yesterday was for cauliflower with potatoes and meat, and tomorrow they pretend nothing is happening aswell. At least we had a good dessert today. (For Pentecost, so finally we where a bit lucky.) de Boed is oriented at old people who love that kind off food, and at caretakers who often have little time to cook, (And simpleminded people who also prefer that kind off food) but it's hard to deal with for people who love good foods and who would rather eat something good at Pentecost. Or on any Sunday. It's hard to stick to the harsh way I have been raised not to be ungratefull to 'at least have something.' But it's not easy. I heard some people saying today: 'Be glad at least we have this food. During WWII people had no food at all.' (While on the other hand a lot off people skipped tonight and choose their own meal. I didn't have the opportunity to do so, so I had to take potluck today.)  

Sometimes I have to chew my tongue and re-think pretty hard why I shouldn't be ungratefull for food I got served for almost free. It was prepared well, as far as I tasted it. But today is not the time and place for it in my opinion. 

It's a rainy and depressing Pentecost evening, we had bad foods and I need my green tea to flush it away tonight. I'm so glad I baked cookies for tomorrow but the joy off that doesn't beat the dissapointment off tonight. I can't bring it any better than this for now. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.          

Good evening at the 2nd off June, 2022.

Good evening everyone, 

Today was mainly sunny and warm. 

*

Day 16 off No-Spend-Month went well. I have spend no money on extra's though I'm doing a bit hard. I wish to do more with my life instead off being here all the time, being sober. But I wish to fullfill this challenge and these are not the times to spend excess money on things. I feel I want to have more fun like going to the cinema more often with mom, or going to the local market to shop. Still I decided I want to fullfill this month and stay strong so I can say I did it. I wish to be able to be proud off myself about this month. I don't have much days left and I have come quite far. It's not going to be hard to fullfill them, but keeping up with this the entire summer will be harder than I thought. I don't have much money in general so I can't shop 'till I drop at the local market, but just visiting it and have fried fish or fresh bread would be incredibly nice. (The local market is a bit off a trip from here. It takes a bus trip and a walk in the city centre.) Most off the time I don't go there, but it could be I want to go just because I'm doing hard with No-Spend-Month today. 

I decided I'm not going to move from this place. I just can't leave my friends and my home feels too nice. I haven't made a solid decision yet. So it's not much trouble to not to move. I have been sleeping on it tonight and that decision came out off it. I'm located too nice, my home is too happy and despite they are older people, I just can't move away from my friends and abandon those poor old hearts. Aside to that, after three years I can finally say I'm getting attached to this place. Tearing me off would be almost traumatic. 

Today we had a left over off my Spinach-Zuchinni soup at lunch. It was a perfect succes again. I made it taste great. Other than my soup, not much interesting happened today. It was a boring day. Except for care takers helping me fold the laundry this afternoon, nothing has happened. I used to have a proverb 'Boredom has made me talented.' Out off boredom, people practice a hobby sometimes but I can't even set myself to that. When I have nothing to do inside my home, I can sit on the couch all afternoon and do nothing all the time. Just think. To a point where it becomes unhealthy. I just think, and overthink, and watch the renovation outside. I don't even make myself tea. I'm just caught up in thoughts. Especially during a period where I'm doing bad I can't snap out off it. I managed to go back to de Boed at dinner time, but other than that I just have been caught in thoughts all afternoon. 

  

The quote above is so typicall for me when I'm caught up in my mind. I just sit and sit and do nothing but have coffee or tea if I'm lucky and do nothing, except for overthinking, having big scenario's in my head or talking out loud to myself. I just can't set myself to other things and if I wouldn't have health care and medication, who knows I could sit somewhere at a table with a cup off coffee for a week. Doing nothing, just talking to myself. That's the point where it becomes something to be weary about. I think too much in that state off being. My thoughts paralize me and are too strong to move around. I need something, someone or a purpose, to snap me out off it. (This time it was dinner time.) 

I could have called someone, but I usually don't think off calling the care office when I'm like that. I'm too caught up and I'm still not used to a reliable care office with people who come over to help me when I'm 'like that.' It just doesn't come to my mind to seek help when I'm 'there.' At de Boed I also have this at coffee time when I'm there but at least it's supervised when it's there. I don't know where I came to the state off being where I have no hobbies anymore to keep me occupied when I have a moment for myself. All the old works seem to bore me and I haven't found new interests yet. Mandala colouring or jewelry making doesn't happen anymore. I simply can't set myself to doing it and so I waste my life when I'm 'caught up.' I don't seem to have a creative outing anymore. Watching movies or reading books doesn't has my interest either. I just come up with simple baking ideas when I want to do something. (Or when I'm troubled. I think off baking ideas to try to focus my mind on something else. It works when I do that.) I'm lucky there is medication. Without it, it would be impossible to set my mind off off things and snap out off being caught up, or focus on something else. My thought system simply would be too strong and overpower me if that would be the case. Medication comes with strong side effects. I have to pay a high price for a tolerable mind. Everything to keep those psychosis and delusions off. It's hard and life sucks with it. 

Feeling lame comes for free completely. I don't have to pay unnecessairy extra money on it. I doubt I will ever heal from it. I've read schizophrenia can't be healed and I have to deal with it forever. I wish schizophrenia had a higher purpose for human functioning. Then it would be clear why people have it and why it's still there for mankind sake. Now it's just missery I'm drawn into. I take three heavy medications a day and I'm still delusional sometimes. My head hurts and my soul is bleeding. And my body is obese from it. (I'm slowly loosing weight ever since switching medication, it's a progress but I'm still way too fat.) 

I stop my journal right here, the reason for it I might tell you later, 

But 

That's it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

 

Good evening at the 1st off June, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and cold with here and there a rainhower. It ended beautifully, though. 

*

Wednesday Soup turned out perfect. I made Spinach-Zuchinni soup, with lots off herbs, and with ham cubes which where optional for people to have in their soup. They loved it. It's a great soup if you like the taste off spinach. 

I still stand strong in the No-Spend-Month challenge. Only 15 days left and I do incredibly well. I have spend no money extra this week, except on groceries. Living it sober goes well with me. It's something cool I can keep up with this challenge. But mainly I'm no expensive lady. Mainly since I usually can't afford a lot off extra's. Just a bit extra sober isn't much off a deal with me. Still I have Clipper detox tea tonight to drink. (I still have a few teabags. It's not much anymore. But I can be proud I drank the entire box.)    

I'm overthinking whether I should move away from Zaandijk and move to a place with more possibilities, or stay for having nice people aroung me who love my presence and who enjoy my company. It's hard to leave them behind on one hand, it's really hard, and then the other option, to a location with more young people, shops, possibilities to live and be less depressed in winter. I hate it. I love those who appreciate me and I enjoy their company, but where I live is far off the world outside. I love my small flat but it's hard to be satisfied in a surrounding like this. I should really overthink well. I gain something there, but I leave something here. I usually don't experience people loving my presence. I usually do hard with people. But these people like me and they think it's a pity if I'm about to move. It's hard to leave friends. Maybe I should overthink it for a while and then make a decision. There's no reason to be hasty. I'm beloved in my surrounding and that is worthit a lot. 

My mental health has improved by talking to a caretaker at de Boed about what was troubling me. We had a good talk about my mental health, and issues I was dealing with. It cleared up a lot and it aired up a lot. It feels as if things are more in place now and I'm not hurting from it anymore. That's such a good thing. Talking helps. I even talked about the ridiculous things that where bothering me. Usually I don't have such in-depth conversations with most people. But it helped. It's so nice the troublesome feeling has faded with that talk. 

Life goes well these months. If I have issues, they seem to be solved and that is something. It's great to mention how everything seems to fall into place and becomes better after such a time off struggling. I think I deserve that, after all. We can't struggle our entire lives. We need periods off sunshine and positivity aswell. After rain comes shine, and I somehow feel it's my time off sunshine these months, or maybe this entire year if I'm finally lucky. (I hope I am.) 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.