Good evening at the 29th off February, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been dark and gloomy weather all day. It's been even misty from raining this morning. I didn't know that was possible. It's something you only see in movies: When there's such rain the lines blurr and everythng becomes misty and vague. 

*

I have something positive and original in mind. What if a studied through Emeritus professor from a university in the field off war and foreign politics advises against participating in the war for the Union, and for the presidents simply to take that advice very serious? Simply there will be no NATO-war due to his utmost serious, well-thought out advice simply because off nuclear threat? What if we had such a professor, all presidents and Ursula von der Leyen would listen to? And for the war simply to stop because a council off professors and scientists would advice against it. 'It's not the smartest thing to do.' And they will simply end it then and there, without further escalation. I think I'm very naive, optimistic and maybe day-dreaming about the scenario. I'm thinking off a '70's professor with a mustache and glasses. A vintage suit and smoking cigars to the matter. These well-thought out types probably don't excist anymore. Thinking out bad situations with daydreams is something bad about me. It's then I myself become optimistic, or simply had enough off all the bad and my endings become dream-like. But sure, what if? 

Another thing, what could people use nowadays? A bit off feel-good, vintage comfort cooking! So probably a well-read magazine receipe for cheap semolina pudding from a vintage pudding mold with berry lemonade as it's sauce. Something achievable from grandma's age. With a beautyfull, glossy, shiny pudding situated on a perfect picture in a nice article. Griesmeel pudding! Something to pass through a boring weekend. On a budget, kid- friendly and bursting with that nostalgia we all crave these days. It's not expensive. I could advice it to anyone wishing for a mind set- off and a great dessert during the weekend. A nice ending to a family dinner. Something to keep up our spirits with. 

I have been making Brocoli-Zuchinni soup this week for Wednesday Soup at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. With small cubes off ham I baked in a frying pan before adjusting. My soup had several green herbs from de Boed's pantry in it. Today we had a left over from it. de Boed pays all ingredients when I'm preparing Wednesday Soup. I picked it up again some time ago. This week's soup is a speciality off mine and was well-received by fellow clients and staff. I don't know if we can declare Zuchinni soup out off fashion already. It's been a food trend during my younger days and I'm not aware off what's in fashion for food anymore. But dressed up like my version, it still goes in perfectly. They don't care. To them it's probably not out-dated, old as they are. But they love the soup. It gives me a feeling off appreciation. And I love the 'It doesn't matter, we love it.' - feeling that comes from them and this work. Everyone should have that somewhere. The sincere feeling off never to be found stupid and outdated simply because they're still loved for what they do. 💖 I think we all deserve that. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 22th off February, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

There is a storm with an alarmcode outside. It's terrible for this evening. But I hope it has passed tomorrow. 

*

I came up with an idea for Ukraine: Crisis internet. Not the high-tech stuff we have, but something simple to keep the entire country connected even though the ordinairy methods and internet is broken due to war. Something old fashioned the army should start up. So disconected places which are destroyed can connect again and share information. It shouldn't take something too difficult. Something old fashioned can do the trick. Old modems where they can keep on reading e-mail, and a shout out place like an old fashioned forum to connect them with. It's death serious, and it should be capable to keep open and running after a bombing. So maybe it should be connected by a satelite, and not by cables. Something the Russians can not mob. And the outside world can not connect with yet, except for maybe journalists. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

Good evening at the 21st off February, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening it's raining heavily, care takers arrive soakingly wet at our homes after being out. 

*

Today was for seeing the psychiatrist for my yearly mandatory visit. Usually they visit at home and I tell them how I'm doing. Today I had to go to the location. After that, I went to the weekly market in Wormerveer. Usually, I don't attend there due to Wednesday soup making. Which was missed by fellow clients, but what could I do? I had that appointment there and then.  I passed by Edo's working office. It's quite an impressive office and I was glad I had felt the need to put on 'grocery shopping make-up.' today. Mascara and a nude lipstick. Simply for 'the neat.'  I didn't feel so insecure as I would have done without it. I didn't run into him, he had probably business elsewhere to do. It's already hard being a psychiatric patient and being fat and looking handicapped. Make-up made me feel like I could bat my eyes to him and made him at least see me. But that's a 'what if.' story I can't confirm today. So, I found out where my small crush works. I suppose I can't lay a finger on him under my circumstances. But still, the thrill off it... (Edo is not his real name, but a nickname I made up for this weblog.) 

The market was fun. I love daily life week markets. Not just the fantasy or comic themed ones, but the every day markets where you can find the good foods and household items. I haven't purchased as much a I would have done without the crisis. Not much at all. I felt it was appropriate to wear my small amount off make-up, and there where no slungy trouble makers at the market. My care taker at the psychiatric health office complimented me on my lipstick. She said it looked good on me. I have been wearing it for over 4 years every week to the supermarket. So I suppose I picked a right one for it. I made a round about the square and the shops siding it, then put on lipstick again, since it was Wormerveer and Edo works there and he could see me. I think I did not do bad on it. People liked my simple yet groomed look. By the way, the psychiatrist knows about 'High sensitive.' people, and he said I was. Someone who knows what it means in psychiatry! I have been discussing my nerves about the crisis and people looking shabby out on the street and me feeling such pity with them. And my concernes about the world, and being spiritual and the danger to 'float' with it. The psychiatrist called me high sensitive, not mad. And he agreed on some off my subjects. It's a pity he's a replacement for someone, and he will stop working there in March. I think it's finally someone who understands. Not some high-educated bookworker. Psychiatric health craves such good people. It's a miss they will lose him. 

I think I'm not much fun in the evening for a man, when I'm all exhausted in bed. Tired as a streetbrick from to have been buisy. These weeks that happened every day. It's 'psychiatric patient things' to be exhausted easily and to prefer to be in bed and rest early over sitting in the living room, let alone something fun to do. But I have to chose myself over a man. My health and well-being goes first. And this is still a massive crisis. I can't live on governmental wage in the outside world. I can't live in the outside world anyway. I'm not stable enough and too sensitive for that. Though the psychiatrist called me stable and saw no issues for a psychiatrist in me today. It's improvement. I wish they would keep him. But offcourse he's just too perfect. He said I do well. But still, it's a matter off a calm sorrounding and enough rest, a simple life and a strict and easy routine. I simply would not dare to lay that in the hands off an average man. Health care is safe for me and I'm fine with it. And this life gives meaning. It's something people crave: Meaning. It's better than a bad relationship in my opinion. People assume I'm a loser for not having someone and having no kids. But I don't feel that way. Life isn't so bad in here if you're not drawn to modern luxury like most people and know how to give purpose to it. Then it's even adventurous and romantic. Especially given the surrounding. It's better than a book. A vintage classic that should be a bestseller in my case. I can live with it. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.                

Good evening at the 20th off February, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cloudy and it looks like rain is about to burst in a moment. 

*

I've got a feeling this crisis might take long, and will make us feel like it took very long. It's a bit more than gritting our teeth. We really have to sit it out, like being put in prison for some time if you suffer from it. It's not going to be mild. I think to share a message off 'There is light at the end off the tunnel and keep hope.' Is cheering too early and gives the audience false hopes for the short term. This crisis is something we have to take for a while. 

Sometimes I'm a little hard-headed in it. We have to wage a crisis and a war with a country filled with idiots. How the hell are we going to win this? This country is filled with idiots. It's something for me to think about and to worry about. People here say I have to let go off it, that it's something for the government to take care off. But what if I don't have trust in the government and think it will be screwed up then? I think we have to sit this era, juiced with 90's gravy for it's ambience, out for the most. I should stop to worry. It's getting the best off me and it's not preferable. What if we lose the war against Russia? Due to not to have been prepared to begin with? Has anyone even thought off that scenario? I think it will end by 2028, and it's a long sit out with a lose off a war in the worst case. 

People who say not to care about the news and the world are such dimwits. We should keep ourselves as informed as possible. People end up stupid and blind due to sticking their head in the sand. Being naive is NOT preferable these days. 

I feel a little depressed these days. And I feel guilty. When I'm out for coffee with a pastry, I can't halp but thinking off all those people who can't. And I feel guilty about still looking and being clean and tidy. The really poor people look cheap, filthy and on their last leggs these days, while I'm not vain, but I still got fresh clothes, earrings and mascara when grocery shopping, and I'm warm and washed. It almost feels as a threat how they vieuw me in the supermarket. I don't go out often, but when I do, it doesn't look good to me. I'm not a pessimist, but I don't wear rosy coloured glasses either. I think the supermarket costumers in my local supermarket look like crisis victims. 

I can't say it any better than that. I feel pity, but I also feel threatened by their intimidating come off when facing them. They wear streetclothes and have filthy hair and are noisy and nasty. Also the other, more moderate and average costumers looked very poor and ratchet. Maybe I should skip make-up and earrings when going there. Simply to adapt to the situation. What hell off a supermarket do you go to? You might wonder. Well, a supermarket that's one off the most ordinairy, every day and average, and could pass as fine about two years ago. It's audience didn't look so outworn and poor back then. I should not go too harsh on it, but when they start to intimidate, it's a diffrent thing. To be honest, I think the issue has to be solved much earlier than what I've foreseen. Overseeing these trouble makers, this will get out off hand at some point if they drive the whole country there. But that's how I see it. I think this might ignite and go wrong somehow if they drive it too late. 

I feel depressed these days. It's the crisis, it's the weather, it's the situation. I do well while others do bad from it. I can't solve it. But I would like to keep my level off wealth, since this is fine with me. To deal with these times is hard for my nerves. 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 19th off February, 2024, 2.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's almost 02.00 o'clock. I still can't see the weather outside. 

*

The hell with Faust made me unpopulair among Vana Events. People assumed I was a brainless barbiedoll after just one thing. But I'm not like that, and I never have been. It kinda shove me away from the cool metal head boyfriends I actually wanted. And now I have that issue with cute blonde, geeky men and pagan priests, when it's into Vana Events, they are likely to know me from the forum and loathe me for it. I'm famous in a bad way and it's quite an issue. I never got over it since I learned to hide away from it. I never got really close since most don't live in my place. But in far off places where I can't find them. 

I'm seen as pretty, but I'm no good and a bitch and a slut according to them. I'm working my ass off to prove their wrong. But they don't see. Nobody sees who I truly am. I have been hiding my real self for a lot off people. All the jealousy, all the hatred, all the gossip, all the haters, all the fake - it did just too bad for my nerves and I flipped on the subject. Vana was the cause off getting into the mental hospital and on these pills to begin with. It got me in the overdrive and killed my career. I could not take it very well. Still I felt the urge to state my opinion and stand by it. I should have stand by it better and not let them make me insecure about it. I should have never appologized, since I always have been right all along. I shouldn't have backed down. Those people are annoying when it comes to taking things with a limb off salt, where I have done so long before. 'Goddamn it people, take it with a limb off salt. Just like I do.' It's what is said about it all the time, but still they don't get it. Am I harsh or are they just stupid?  I think it's the last and it doesn't make me a bitch to fight back against them. 

I'm not a bitch. I'm just honest and real. It's hard fighting with people on the level off a few sandbox toddlers, while I feel like an adult. It's hard to win a serious argument from someone who uses 'I'm gonna burst out and cry.' as an argument, and you have to quit from the moderator. While you're actually into a serious discussion. I'm not into the austriches, the whiners and the sexists. But this is not what paganism is supposed to be like in my opinion. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

  

Good morning at the 19th off February, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's almost 01.00 o'clock, it's dark outside and I can't see the weather. 

*

Question: Have you ever been in love with Faust from the Vana Events forum, or his real life self? 

Answer: 

That man has been my personal nightmare. I felt awfull about him. Delustional, and I have been calling him things in my head that are not fit to repeat on here. And that was before the cheat-thing where he suddenly had someone else. I'm fine with that, to be honest. We where never a thing, though there where several rumors about it. And that's for the better because I can't stand the man. I even have been calling him terrible things related to his Jewish background, even including the holocaust and WWII. You don't want to know how bad it was. I downright hate him. 

I never said so in real life and I felt obsessed with it at some point, to the point where it drove me insane. I felt I better kept distance from him since he was the main source off my delusions and feeling awfull, while he drove me in a corner, claiming he was about to 'get me pregnant. Hearhearhear.' Just like that. It's terrible to an unfertile woman like me when they joke about that. He drove me batshit insane, and the worse thing was that powerless feeling, off not being capable to speak up how I felt about that baboon's face. He looks like a baboon with a jewfro and buckteeth. He's just terrible to look at. And he wears those pesky 'Look, I'm a macho.' sunglasses everywhere, which are stupid. He's NOT my type, and he has never been. I felt most awfull about not being capable to tell the truth. People assumed his feelings where mutual and I would or had to answer positive. Which was not te case, and which makes Vana some sort off a sect in my opinion, forcing people to do what they want. 

I don't want a fucking baby with that retard. He doesn't respect me, he behaves too macho in a male dominant way and he thinks he's a whole lot off something. He's not my type. 

I have the song 'Just a girl.' by No Doubt in my head with this. People see me as too girly girly and simple to even get it. Even to a point where it's humiliating. Assaulting, overruling and sexist. 

But I'm not, Just like the song, I've had it up to here with them. There are certain reasons for me to never to come back to Castlefest. I wish him and his new girl all the luck. But forget about me. 

Let's post No Doubt on here: 

Good morning at the 18th off February, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's still dark outside and I can't see the weather. 

*

Instead off feeling woe something isn't anymore, be glad it happened! 

It's something my mind came up in the very death end off night. It's 02.40 AM, and I can't catch sleep. So, what to do? Well, maybe a compilation off the best cakes and bakings I ever made and posted on this weblog. 😉 And it's pretty much. It can be a torment to some, looking at it and having no money for it anymore. I torture myself by posting it since it's undoable anymore since the crisis broke out to bake that scrumptious. But maybe a reminder off better days. I hope I'm not being too cruel. Let's see if I can get this thing rolling...

A scrumptious syrup waffle cake. 

Heart-shaped cookies, with a half off white chocolate and almond flakes. 

Speculaas banana bread, made from a magazine. 

Lime-avocado cheesecake 

I think this is a picture off the first- ever banana cake. 

An oven filled with old fashioned sand-cookies, but it's been for my old work place at the old Upcycling. They where out before we knew it. 

These are old lemon owl-cakes. Owl-shaped cakes. I served them as a dessert back in the days when I had to host dinner every once a month on monday evening for my group living. I really had time and space (And money.) to let go off my creativity in the kitchen back then. They're served with whipped cream and a scoop off ice cream. On a cool pastry plate. 😉 I still have these. 

This one time back in 2018, where Leviaan let me serve bakings (Nutella brownies and a fancy quark tart made with Spanish orange cream yoghurt and chocolate sprinkles.) a neighbourbood High-Tea, to try to get neighbours involved at our business. It wasn't much off a succes, but my bakings nevertless where. 

This is a 2020 invention, golden raisin and prune-cake. Which we where very fond off and which got highly appreciated by fellow- clients. Repeated many times over. 

This one winter where I had so much ingredients left, I could make two appeltaarten and they tasted divine with all the star anise in it. That perfect discovery off star anise in bakings. 💖

These are works from 'Cakes.' by Rutger van den Broek. A renowed baking book author. I think they turned out perfectly in my hands. 

The former queen off England also seemed to be fond about this biscuit and chocolate cake, according to the rumors. I had dolled mine up with wallnuts. It was good as a mood enhancer for de Boed, a few seasons ago. 

This receipe for Middle-Eastern style date and pecan cake also came from Rutger van den Broek, from the 'Bakbijbel.' And it was perfect for a dreary afternoon. 

Chocolate cookies, the perfect treat for a music afternoon on thursday. 

And these where truly divine. Peanutbutter cookies. They tasted a hundred times better than expected. Since I didn't expect something to become perfect from peanutbutter. But it was such a succes. 

These are all recent works from previous year for de Boed, raisin cakes, banana chocolate bundt cake, coconut white chocolate cup-cakes, and a Bitterkoekjes cake. 

I love the taste off lemon-yoghurt cake. It's my personal favourite so far, I think. I can make lemon cake taste like lemon candy and it's perfect when I do so. I still have to practice the glaze a bit. But I think it's perfect for a nowadays personal occasion since it's expensive but still amazing in taste. (My birthday, for example.) During the crisis, it's perfect but not over-done. It's like a London Teashop at home.  

Last but not least, The largest Banana cake I ever made, once at Christmas time, with the largest baking mold from Nordic ware and it was good for several fisherman's tales from some people, seperating their hands a meter a part, telling everyone how big this cake was. It was huge according to them. And even more tasty. It got perfect compliments. 

I hope I made somewhat off an impression on what I can make when it comes to baking. I love to bake, use my creativity and become better over the years. It's just such a pity I can't do so anymore due to price increasement. It's frustrating. I adapt to the circumstances, I got a roof above my head and food on the table. My basics are covered and I'm warm and dressed. So baking is not a basic need. But still I hate the idea off missing it. I hope things in the world will solve easily and fast. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good afternoon at the 17th off February, 2024.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's somewhat cold and cloudy today. 

*

My good deed off the day, I'm sorry, I could not resist, was to purchase two boxes off cream puffs. One plain and one with custard inside covered with chocolate, and share them at de Boed during coffee time.  

I was at the local market this morning and I could not resist to purchase these. 1 euro a box. But when going home I was like: 'I can't eat all off these myself, that would be too much for me. What to do with them? Hmmm, share at de Boed.' And it was a good idea. Care staff served them on a rectangular plate and in my eyes, it looked as plenty and fancy as the dessert department off a wok restaurant. I think I really made fellow clients glad with it this afternoon. I'm sensitive for how food is served and on what kind off plate. (I love fancy kitchenware.) I can't stand the crisis to have made nice kitchenware so damn expensive. But I still can get away with what I got 'on the shelves.' It's not state off the art new, but this is a crisis and I think it's still fine. 

People don't realize they can easily do with their ktichenware for several years. Instead off folowing the next hype. But maybe I have no right to speak. I was into purchasing nice stuff all the time back in the days when it was still affordable. Nowadays I'm more spare with what I got but it still works for me. Maybe I should go with that vibe. Not the 'I love kitchenware, let's hoard.' vibe, that's so 2018. But with the 'It's a crisis and let's be sober.' vibe, which does it nowadays. And de Boed still has it's pain and simple kitchenware after years, which is boring and sober but which still does it for them. If they're lucky, the food speaks for itself and it doesn't need it any more fancy. But that is if all off us are lucky. But it's not a restaurant, and usually I have to accept 'It is what it is.' and it's on the boring side. It's my personal challenge to practice more gratitude. Though it's still hard a lot off times with them.   

I can't share the idea too much off sharing. We live in a crisis, and the way things are is murdurous. If we share what we can, I think this is a bit more doable than when we would live it selfish. Even if it's just a pastry with coffee in my case today. I wish more people would be less selfish. But it's a hard discipline for some so it seems, and as far as that goes, I mention they make the main opinion among others. I don't know what this country would look like if that was not the case. Maybe I'm too optimistic about mankind. And selfish is just the way it is. I'm sorry to say. I have the idea the main religions would not neet to excist, waiting for the messiah to come or come back to enlight us, if we would do it all ourselves with planet earth. What if we would truly become enlightned and start to lend each other a hand and share? What if we would become so good the messiah, or Jesus for that matter, would be proud off us if he would come back? Somehow I think the messiah story is not true and they make us run like a donkey after a carrot tied to a bike for it. 

Still I believe mankind could do better than what they do nowadays. It's just in ourselves. And sometimes even I lose hope with that idea if I look at the world surrounding us. I feel such depression, such negativity in the air. In my heart. When I look around and feel. These times are so hard and negative, I think I learned to know mankind a bit better than I did in my naive youth. Still I don't approve off their selfishness. But that's my opinion. And maybe I'm too much off a justice seeker with it and it makes me annoying among others. I display how I think, I act, but I never shove it under their nose. I don't want to start a discussion with, say, an agressive, selfish gorilla off a man with little understanding or his dolled up wife on how I think. I think that simply would not work. I've learned mankind is not pleased when you discuss the matter. It's kinda hard. If I'm lucky, some, say, some people are open for it. But most are not. I wish they where. I must say, mankind is hard to deal with. 

Still, I think we would do good, especially nowadays, to share a bit more among each other. I wish mankind was more easy. Especially during these times. But maybe I'm the hard one. I'm not perfect either. Nobody is perfect. I just wish people would see it more my way. It would make life easier. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

   

Good evening at the 16th off February, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been mildly cold and cloudy outside in dreary, old fashioned Zaandijk. 

*

Rumors! Let's kill them off before they bite me 😉

A question: Do you have sex reglauirly with diffrent men? 

Answer: 

Absolutely not. I don't have sex to begin with, I'm a 31 year old virgin, still waiting for prince charming. I rather don't have a relationship than a bad relationship, and I don't like the idea off sex without a form off commitment. It has to be serious and real before I wish to take that step. 

It's probably my big fat ass that scares them off, and my mental patient attitude. Diffrent men? I think someone is jealouse off my populairity among some men. I can't help they sometimes easily fall at my feet. But I keep my sane distance to them. And most off the time it's just not it. So then it's no with me. 

I'm honest with you. I'm not after 'easy sex.' or 'going easy.' with someone. I still believe in real romance and real love. And I have never found that. Maybe I'm a bit acoy or cold hearted to not step into it, I have rejected some in the past. But it's my body and my choice. Just like not having children, it ain't so bad. I rather don't have sex and a relationship, than bad sex and a bad relationship. Sometimes it's as easy as that. Maybe that makes me count as strong and independent. Men... what do we need them for? There's nothing in this life I can't take on my own. 😉 I have fought battles beyond most sane people's believement. 31 years off being a bachelor. Maybe I've outgrown the stage where I'm fit for a good relationship because off doing so much things my own way. It's hard adapting to someone else after such a long time. I'm sorry. But it's not too bad to be honest. No love, no sex, but still, it's good. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

 

Good evening at the 15th off February 2024, 2.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been dark, cold and dreary outside in Zaandijk all day. 

*

I came up with a fun joke during dinner, I just don't know if it's appropriate. I'll put it in Dutch, the way I got it in my mind. 

'Wat moet Tristan doen om een vrouw te versieren? Antwoord: Zijn werkkleding aantrekken, voor de rest heeft hij geen geld meer.' 

'What does Tristan has to do to seduce a woman? Answer: To put on his workman clothes. For all the rest he has no money anymore.' 

in Tristan, I imagine a handsome, pale blonde young hunk with a toned body from working as a mechanic off some sort. Not everyone has the luck to look like Tristan. That speaks for him. But it's a bit sad that ordinairy work man have no money left for seduction. But sometimes seduction happens by the way they are and then they're lucky with their looks. But still. To only be capable to put on your working clothes to seduce... it's a bit sour. But probably the reality off the day for most ordinairy people nowadays. Still the way this joke came up in my mind made me laugh out loud at dinner. People asked me what was wrong with me, so I cut it off. 

Without de Boed I could not survive either, so I should not go too harsh on ordinairy people. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 15th off February, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's cloudy and cold in the Netherlands, and this morning it has been raining. 

*

This morning was for swimming a few lapses at the local swimming pool. The government has a fund to make us excercise more, and I profit from it by swimming once every week. Because I like to swim. It's good for my heart, but I don't seem to lose weight from it. I'm still very fat. 

Second thing about today, was my two quark tarts for de Boed. It was a big succes and I had people complimenting me on these all the time, the main package was provided by a friend. 

They're already finished, and I got the baking tins back clean and dry, but this was this morning. What you see on it, are tiny white chocolate hearts for it's finishing touch. During music afternoon, people enjoyed them. (And my kitchen isn't clean. But I'm buisy this week and I should find time to do so.) 

We where lucky today, Otherwise I'm not likely to make these anymore since it's become too expensive. It's always nice to make the (mainly poor) crowd off fellow clients enjoy a pastry. For people like us, this is luxury. Especially these crisis days. 

Tomorrow I have to undertake a bloodtest. Provided by General Practice. I did not feel so well last week. My week has been buisy. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 13th off February, 2024, 2.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today started beautifull, but ended dreary and rainy. 

*

I happen to have a feeling about the year 2025. I swear, it's something I can't explain and it's something utmost good for mankind. I think peace will break through that year, and the Russia-Ukraine war will come to an end. It's something great about that year. And peace might happen. But that's a positive scenario and it's diffrent from the doom I have seen before. 

We will see this year an utmost bad year for economy, so prepare and I think you will think I speak in fairytales. But 2025 is going to be amazing acording to my underbelly feeling. It's peace. It's positive marks. And the next year we finally dare to spend a bit more and the economy off our sweet old Netherlands will be saved. Around 2026. If I follow this feeling... it's perfect. 

I was preparing for 2028 so to say, but it's going to be earlier. I hope I'm not a charlatan. And it's going to be the last thing we will see off this war. It's so optimistic, bright and positive for 2025, I would not believe it if I would not feel it so clear. I'm not an optimist, I'm not a pessimist so it seems, I'm a realist. Also with this feeling. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 13th off February, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

This morning it has been sunny, and nice weather for a few walks around the neighbourhood. 

*

Any plans for tomorrow? It's going to be Valentine's day.... 

Well, tomorrow is for working in the kitchen. I'm about to prepare quark tart on a friend's request. She purchased the packages, so she provided de Boed a pastry on Thursday. After that I'm going to make mustard soup and after that I'm at de Boed's cooking club. It's buisy with preparing food. The day after that? I think we'll have lemon quark tart with our coffee, and because my friend provided it, there will be tiny white chocolate hearts on it. But I'm going to use a pet peeve: Let's not be too optimistic. The 15th I think they'll publish the growth marks for the economy for the last quarter off a year off 2023, and I think they'll publish the growth marks for the entire year. I suppose they'll be in the negative. But it's going to be a good day for me personal. Thursday is for swimming and a left over mustard soup if de Boed has anything left. 

I can be such a downer to the romantic when I come with that growth mark story. I haven't seen how expensive valentine's gifts and chocolate is this year, but I don't expect anything positive from it. I personal am simply too buisy for valentine's day. I'm not Catwoman waiting for Batman. (Man, I dwell in that couple recently... They're just too sexy.) But let's keep it at it that I'm glad there are tiny white chocolate hearts on the quark tart on Thursday, and that entire thing (Two lemon quark tarts.) will be me and my friend's act off kindness to de Boed and all it's lonely souls. 

I'm considering reading Batman just for the Batman x Catwoman romance. Hence, I even painted my nails black for this week. I'm buisy as a bee and there's no romance for me- that's my answer for this year. Looking romantic? Let's be positive I will shower for tomorrow and wash my hair since there's kitchen work to be done. 

I haven't planned anything special tomorrow. But let's keep Buddha's wisdom in mind: The only special occasion in life, is life itself. So maybe some other day will be romantic for me. Should I keep hope after 31 years off no Valentine? I don't want to sound naive, but maybe, one day in the future but obviously not now. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good afternoon at the 12th off February, 2024.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's dreary, cold and cloudy in Zaandijk today. 

*

I would like to answer a personal matter today on this weblog. Do I have a childwish? So to say, does something in me long to have children? It's something most common women would murder over according to them, and it's a hormonal matter. 

But as far as I can feel, I'm 31, and I feel perfectly at peace not to have them at all. It's fine with me. I feel way too relaxed to be a mom-to-be-zilla. And I have never met Mister Right. I think we can end that question here. It's as simple as pooping on the toilet: It's no. 

I know there are rumors about it, maybe I'm acting the way I do because I desperately, overwhelmingly wish to have a child. But that's never been the case. I'm a bit off a justice seeker, and I'm an internet hero. My mission for infinity and beyond is way more important. I'm content with life as long as I can be a local superhero. As far as it goes, I'd rather don't want to have a kid since my circumstances are too bad to have one. 

Some people think they know how I think, and what makes me act the way I do. But they don't and they never have. I let most men go because off bad circumstances, I haven't went after one recently. Life is good without children, I'm fine. 😉 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 3th off February, 2024.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cold and cloudy, and it's windy. It's an average, dreary Saturday in the Netherlands. 

*

I would like to share something with you, but it tends that everytime I did so in the past, something ruined it and it got somehow destroyed. So I will wait with it untill it's gone. But I think it might be worthit the wait for those who appreciate. I think I'm going to make that a blog about 'Things I still enjoy despite the crisis.' 

Despite we live in a crisis with great poverty and income diffrences, even for the poorer scale there are still average, old fashioned things we can enjoy. We have to enlight our hearts with it so we stand stronger these days. We can't slob it, despite it might be hard for some. 

It doesn't contain a trip to the Bahama's, or Disneyland, and you also don't need to sell your organs for it to enjoy it. It's simple, basic and very time-resistant. I enjoy things a vintage home maker would have enjoyed in her days. Just those every day pleasures that make common life good. I think even if you have no degree in education but still a good common sense, it's aproachable. If you're not greedy or needy and simply get why it's a good thing to have the things I still enjoy. Maybe I should make it this weblog. I explained, after all, why I did so. 

First off all, I take good pride in a clean home. My home is almost tidy these days since I wish to give cleaning it a little more than I used to. Due to these times. It feels more important these days to be clean. Simply out off pride. I think maybe if it's over, I will slunge it again, probably. And my toilet isn't so happy with me. A clean toilet is always important, also if the war and the crisis are over. Just like a clean, mopped floor and a clean kitchen. But so far, it's going well and I'm proud off it. 

Second, A strange feeling off nationalism and nostalgia. Usually it's declared right-winged to enjoy that, or take pride in it. But the old-fashioned, antique homes off Zaandijk, it's windmills, it's ancient streets and buildings, somehow make me feel proud to live in this country and to be on 'the good side.' As far as that excists. It's also due to the crisis I have an eye for that. Otherwise I felt it was depressing old junk. It's just that it's got it's pride back simply because it's heritage, and it stands for something. And No, it doesn't just belong to the right wing in politics in my opinion. 

Siding my new found sense off soft nationalism, I purchased tulips to decorate the salon table. 

In an antique vase. I feel heritage and Dutch culture is off even more importance  for us than it already was before the war broke out. Just like classic Dutch vegetable soup. It warms hearts in poor old Zaandijk, also among the poor people. And we need that feeling. Even I seem to cling to it and need it. The cookie jar is Danish, it's a souvenir gift my brother purchased from his trip to Denmark, but it's on my table since it's still functional, though it's now filled with 'knappertjes.' biscuits. The cookie jar has the little mermaid on it, but it's the tulips that make the head subject to this picture. I don't know if my love for the antique will survive after the crisis. Maybe my feelings won't cling to it so much. 

Third, tulips and flowers on my table (See picture.) I love old fashioned flowers on my table and there's a sense off pride in it, but simply to have decorated it with fresh, pretty flowers is something I love. It's a good thing. What isn't good, is that they sell it 9 flowers a bush nowadays, where before the crisis it was 10. 9 flowers for the same price as 10 before shrinkflation, where all packages started to contain less but got sold for the same amount. I don't know if that's also a thing in your country, wherever you live. But in the Netherlands, it's a thing. But still, tulips and flowers. And tulips are national Dutch pride. 

I think I make it end here. There are things I still enjoy outside this, but these big changes (Cleaning the surrounding well and soft nationalism) are the biggest diffrences compared to my old life. I think it's something to think off. Maybe it will stay this way after the war, maybe I will fall back to the old. What am I doing? I wondered yesterday. To wage war? Am I waging along? Probably. It's a soft, feminin way to fight which doesn't require much. But still, a way. Am I doing it well? Is it too much? Is it something bad after all? I have no idea. But here I am, doing it. 

Allright, that's about it for now-

thank you for reading.     

  

Good afternoon at the 2nd off February, 2024.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cold, cloudy and dreary. 

*

I've read a paranormal magazine which says the Ukraine war will bleed out due to lack off money, people and resources on both sides. It's cheating to share other people's prophecies with you. It's what all prophecies from ParaVisie, a paranormal magazine in the Netherlands, say about the Russia-Ukraine war. That will happen for an end. I haven't seen that scenario lately, it must have been somewhere at the back off my mind, but I couldn't see it all too clear. Allright, I didn't. 

It's not like you can start to make big future plans already, since the economic crisis might take a bit longer for most. And in my opinion, we have to wait untill we have money again before we set the horses on big plans again. Better safe than sorry on everything in my opinion. 

Sometimes all you need is the green, green grass off home. That's why I decided to get to see my family this weekend. I'm at my parental home. It's cozy and nice here. I purchased a cool book at a local bookshop, which has to do with mindfullness and cats, and I would like to inform you all about once I finished it. It's a promise for people who are into such subjects. Buddha, Eastern philosophy, Cats, Ashrams... perfect. 

Translated it's title means 'The monk who loved cats.' (I can't find it's original title.) And it's by Corrado Debiasi, it's often named among authors off my liking like Charlie Mackesy, Hemin Sunim and Hiro Arikawa. It looked like perfection in the window off the bookshop. I was lucky to have the copy from the window, since they where already almost out off it. I could not resist and it's a perfect novell to fill next week evenings with. Or maybe next weekend. I will inform you about it once I finished it. It's truly promising. 

I feel so wobbly and bad tempered at the moment, maybe Buddha has an answer. Like he had on the most difficult struggles with my intense, maddening emotions. I think it's not in this novell, but maybe I can find something, a proverb, a wisdom, that works for me. What to do when you're angry from fear and it's overflowing you like lava? Almost fluid, like warm blood. I'm too familiair with that emotion. If I was a dragon, I would probably burst into fire. It's getting the best off me. Maybe I should start reading my new book when I'm in a more peacefull state off mind. Buddha is too sacred for an angry outburst. (Buddha helps with them. I have these, but Buddhism knew a way to get me over with Vana Events. Maybe it also knows a way to get me over with war and wartime.) 

Don't get me wrong, I would be an angry beast, suffering from old pain and being violent probably if Buddha would not have found me. Short tempered and idiotic, but I prefer wisdom and sanity. Though I'm doing hard with these times. 

I have a request for Dutch publishers, I'm looking for 'The way off Nagomi.' By Ken Mogi, translated in Dutch. Nagomi seems to be a Japanese wisdom off peace, and they have it in English and German, but I can't find a Dutch copy off it. I have read Ikigai from his hand, and simply knowing he has more work which I can't find in my language yet, is not preferable. I would love to see it translated in Dutch, sold at a near bookstore. I would be so thankfull for that. I would love to read it, and fullfill my mind-calming journey through Eastern philosophies and wisdoms. 

Maybe Buddha has found me again. Sending me inspiration in the form off that novell in the window off the bookstore. During a time where I'm doing hard with my fear and anger. But Buddha wishes to save my soul with love and send me that book on my path. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

  

 

Good morning at the 2nd off February, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

This morning it's windy, clouded and rainy in the Netherlands, and it's still dark while I write you this. 

*

I can't see the end off the Ukraine-Russia war, it's just that I think all the criminals and the powers behind powers will get away with their agenda, and make their billions off money over the death bodies off the victims and get away with it. Simply because the ordinairy people are powerless, or coward, and do nothing to stop them. That's simply how it will go: They work out their agenda, and stop after the thing they're after is done. And we did nothing against it. All the war politics with their war economy and high chiefs will get away with it, and offcourse Russia is the big wrong doer and will be blamed for everything. There is an agenda behind this, but will that ever be revealed in our lifetime? I think we will get screwed massively over, and the government will not be laid a thing in the way to do so. People are that stupidly coward. 

And then, one day when we least expect it, it's all done and it will be peace again. It can be that dumb and simple sometimes. And the years after that we will see our budget growing back, and we're just a bit more traumatized and screwed over. But the government for now does not give a rats ass about it. They're all after the energy transit and the economic importance off it all. 

All I hope is that all those itchy bitchy idiots and cowards will grow stronger from it. Not even more dumb and hurt over small things like before the war. I believe we have to fight out a war and a crisis with a country filled with idiots and it's too hard to take for most. At least all those little whiners have something real to complain about for the upcoming 50 years. Otherwise, let's face it, people where off about nothing usually and everything was too much for them. I think we can't win a war with them. I don't think high off them. Mentality doesn't come out off nothing, a strong mentality has to grow. Let's hope it was at least good for that among them. Other than that, this entire war was only good for the wallet off the government in the long term. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

     

Good evening at the 1st off February, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a sunny yet cold winter's day. The sun was out and put sparkles over the swimming pool through the windows off the local pool this afternoon. It was a pretty sight. 

*

Yesterday I tried Wednesday Soup making again. Which means a large pot off fresh soup for the lunch off de Boed, a small community centre in Zaandijk, the Netherlands. I prepared classic Dutch vegetable soup. Though I prepare mine with chicken broth and lots off fresh herbs instead off beef broth. I think chicken and herbs tastes better. But I have the luck de Boed provides that. Oregano, Thyme, Basil, Dragon, Sage, and offcourse a leaf off Laurel to pruttle along when preparing it. My hands smelled like garlic and onion after preparing it, but it was fun, people enjoyed their soup, and for me it was perfect to relief my own stress since cooking is what I like to do best. I have quit quite long with Wednesday Soup. I just didn't feel the energy for it the previous half a year. My soup contained meatballs and alphabet vermicelli. Classic Dutch Vegetable soup contains ordinairy vermicelli, but my twist requires letter-shaped vermicelli to make it fun. I have quite my own touch in a classic receipe. But it tastes perfect. 

Soup is perfect to set my mind off off things, and relief my own tension and make days better at de Boed. My soup was missed on Wednesdays and Thursdays. 

I can't cook with so many ingredients during this crisis, since for me on a governmental wage, that's too expensive. But de Boed provides the ingredients, so I can perform my hobby there. And they allow me in their kitchen and do so, since I'm that good at it. It's been a while, and the feeling off doing something that good is addictive. Buddha is probably right, by helping others you make yourself feel better. At least for me it works that way. I don't know about other people.  I think they could use that heart enhancer during these times. Next week I'm onto it again, since it was fun and I felt good at energy. I can't do soup when my energy is low, when I'm unstable and feel too wobbly on my feet from psychosis and depression. But I think they are lucky these weeks. It's just that I told de Boed not to pin me on it since I can fall back and then I have to quit my soupkitchen again when that's the case. 

This morning was for swimming a few lapses again and work my muscles and heart for my personal well-being. I don't seem to slim down from it, I'm still obese. But it's fun and I love to swim each week. But I do so every once a week. Maybe that's too little to see true result from it. But it also works to relief tension and work a way through thoughts. My thoughts can be so stuck at points and things, it's torture. It's hard to deal with. To swim and to cook with lots off ingredients work for me. My mind is pretty stressed due to the Ukraine war and the crisis. And everything being so expensive and most people being too poor. It's incredibly hard for me. I also keep on thinking: I have never met Mr. Right, but what if we go to war with Russia as a NATO and he will die fighting for it when they call people to action to fight there. Then I have never met him and will never meet him in a lifetime. It's a hard thought and I'm stuck on it. What if I miss my chance for true love due to that? I have been single my entire life and it simply never happened. But what if I will remain single due to that war? 

Psychiatric health says I think too much through. I have no relationship and it's not something to seriously take count off since I don't have a relationship to begin with. Still I'm doing hard on it. Maybe it's the reason to have remained single in this entire lifetime. Simply to be spared such a loss. Most off the time I think it's my mental health and my fat ass, and my difficult attitude. but what if it's something bigger? Something serious like that? It could be. It could be... and it's difficult. It's not realistic and people might say I should seek a better excuse for to have remained single my entire life. 

Maybe I have met Mister Right and it simply was not ment to be due to the upcoming crisis and war, and a mental disease and living in a care home. I deserve it, but circumstances... such heavy burdens.... such difficult circumstances! I hope I'm not right for my soulmate to have to fight in Ukraine for NATO business. That would make everything even more sad and dramatic than it already is. Maybe I'm just unlucky and simply pathetic in the eyes off the world to have remained single my entire life. That's just how life can be. 

The stress is even painfull. I feel it in cramps and headaches in my head. As if something scratches my brain. These times are painfull and it's nasty for psychiatric patients. I can't deal with it very well. My head hurts from stress. I believe I have the luck they won't call upon me when they are going to fight, due to my mental health. They can't use a Schizophrenic in the army. I would probably be a burden to them. Aside to that, I have terrible physical condition. Naw, I'm not off use for a real battle. Just let me make soup in the kitchen, and that's my two cents for this wartime. 

High generals and defense ministers all warn a real war is possible for the NATO and the EU. They see it as a real life threat. It's been in the news several times, and it's enough to get me stressed and mad. It takes something from my mental condition. I think I'd better be glad not to have kids during these hard days. I can see the future, but I can't see the end off this war. It's enough to get me. Though I know there will be an end to this war. But it's not favorable for the situation in the world and in the Netherlands to be like this. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.