My life sucks this evening.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and it's said temperatures will be even higher the upcomming week. I'm not cheering for it since I do bad on such high temperatures. I rather want temperatures to stick around 20 to 21 degrees celsius. That's high enough. 

*

This evening made me realize how little I have in life and how little I have to share with someone. I got fed this evening, but we had red cabbage from a frozen package, boiled potatoes and meat baked almost burned. And some rum raisin vla for dessert. It's something not suitable for the weather, it's been bad food this evening and next to me someone was out off their mind and in such a mood he yells nazi terms and screams extreme rightwinged things from WWII I don't agree with. Like I might have said before, I have mental trauma's on neonazi's ever since middle school. Someone unreasonable out off their mind like that is almost lethal set on a table with me. It's mental torture the entire evening and care takers aren't cappable to shut him down. I hate the entire violent screaming thing. I had to deal with a bad evening but often when things like that happen, I'm like: 'But my life is like this. Incidents like this happen all the time.' There are always ambulances or stupid incidents going on at de Boed and fights between people are exhausting. I have to keep the man mentioned above on a good term with me since he cuts the vegetables for Wednesday Soup. 

Today was for Paprika soup without paprika. They used all off my red bell peppers for dinner yesterday without me mentioning. I have created something nice more close to sweet potato soup with tomatoes, carrots and fennels in it instead. People thought it was perfect and I had just compliments about what I created, but it was improvising for not having paprika today. I used an entire package off mild paprika powder to replace that. Meanwhile I had mister sushine in the kitchen with me all day. Complaining but trying to cheer me up about being a good cook. He is not as much off a violent jackass when he is more on his calm episodes. But the way it goes is exhausting. Life is like this. I have no one but I live with people like this in my surrounding. He tries to be nice to me, he's still on good terms with me and his level off understanding is pretty low about some things in the world. I have to deal with it. Some people are lethal. 

I have a hard time dealing with it, but care takers keep on telling there is not much to do about it. I have to find a way to shut it out. Often I'm perfectly capable, but it happens so often I feel it's hard to deal with at the moment. Violent people at my dining table are not to my liking, but in psychiatric health care it happens so often. I have no way to escape and go back to my mom. I have no way to escape from this and that plus the bad food made me realize how little I have in life that matters or is good for me, or what I could give to someone. I have such bad memories from childhood on. I keep on doing my best and keep on fighting and try to give them good things from me by preparing soup and baking for them every often. But when it comes to it, it's not enough. It's all that I've got in life, but it's not enough for a fullfilling life and healthy and happy thought patterns. All I have is not enough. I have been realizing that for quite some time about my life. I wish I could escape from this or get the health care that suits me. Not this... Not this violent idiocy all the time. Nasty spots on my clothes from the red cabbage, low quality food, a neonazi yelling in my ears, care takers not handling it well, The uprising temperatures outside... I wish something good would come my way finally.   

Allright, that's about it for now. Thank you for reading.