Good evening everyone,
It's been cloudy at first, without rain, but the day ended sunny. It wasn't overly hot outside, and that is to my liking.
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Today was for a day off. I took a day all for myself and spended it mainly on sleeping in and drinking coffee and tea for quite some time. I made plans on healthy eating and attemps to loose weight. I believe in healthy vegetables and salad based meals the upcoming time. I have inspiration from the Salad Bible. I just doubt I could keep up with it. I feel I don't have to be too strict on myself but still- a night off from de Boed every often wouldn't come in bad these days. I feel like me-time while having a buisy week is something precious. People who have been in lockdown all the time think I'm crazy, probably, but me-time while people around you push you all the time in fields off your life is precious.
I have been thinking, it happened almost three times now I fell in love out off a delusion somehow and I feel it's a good thing they haven't taken advantage off me somehow, despite it being and feeling hard. I believe I'm in love with someone who is never around and who just comes up in my mind as a voice or delusion, I think it's psychotic to give in to that and take action. On the other hand- Would I want them to take action on me if they would ever feel like it? I doubt. Is this real love? Or just fake? It's a positive delusion, nevertless, but what if they would take advantage off me in this state off being? Would I be capable to say no to them if they would ever show up in my life? Errr.... is that realistic? My soul is doomed, and the demon who stole it never shows up for real. It's all based on fantasy somehow. I would like to say: 'I'm lucky they didn't take advantage off me in this state off being.' But I can't 100% say I would say no to them if they accidentally are to my liking the other way around. But it's a bit mad.
Meanwhile when it comes to it, I take no action at all since I feel like I don't want to give up this life for a man I feel is not a 100% certain case. Sometimes it's best to overthink before you act and not give in to butterflies at any cost. What if I see them for real and they end up not being to my liking in the end? Then the delusion was fake and that makes it a case off too much doubt to give in to. I'm sorry. Life is precious, my spot in health care can't be any more precious. I can't mindlessly give up on this. I'm glad no one took advantage off me in the meantime.
Due to apathy I feel like not starting something with him after all and just- go on, ungroomed and weirdly giggling to myself, but madly in love. I'm happy with the feeling. I can look like an ungroomed whale and my house can be to a mess and nothing has to happen since that would be tricky to my life. Not that they aren't deserving off me, I just don't wish to give it. I give it up for no one. I'm too unstable, and love is too tricky to take steps and I don't have the basic needs for a good love relationship. I doubt he would want me at all. I'm not the one to play games with people. certainly not when it's doubtfull.
While I'm digesting butterflies instead off snacks, I have been thinking off having healthy meals in my own home again on some days instead off at de Boed. Like most people try to do. Most people don't eat at loud community centres against their liking. Why should I?
Allright, that's about it for now,
Thank you for reading.
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