Good afternoon everyone,
Yesterday evening it felt as if the sky was falling down upon our heads. It was a massive rainstorm and our parental home leaked wather throughout the windows. It's a bit sad but this house at times is a drama when it comes to maintanance. This place even made it to the news with all the water damage that was done yesterday. The windows could barely keep the rain outside. Luckily it finished and the windows are still in their framework. As far as it goes today, there is no rain but it's still cloudy.
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Today is for my brother's birthday. I liked to believe I could come back here and get out off the drama called Gortershof and de Boed. But as far as that goes I often got the feedback that I'm too slow or annoying when it comes to household and I would only be in their way if I would come back. It's not an option for them and the more I find out about schizophrenia and all the side effects that belong with it, the more I start to realize I'm not fit for society.
Yesterday I tried to prepare our meal, rice with chicken and a salad but I was a bit slow and my brother decided to take over what I was doing. It tasted perfectly but I suppose they almost thought it was dangerous what I was performing. To be honest with you, the rice and the chicken where about to cook and I sat at the table to let it cook done. The chicken was in the oven and the rice was on the stove top. It was only a matter off waiting but they thought I was apathious and doing something dangerous. The salad was already made and waiting at our table. Maybe I was at something dangerous while sitting there, I was watching how it cooked every often though. I stood up and stirred the pans. I just think I made them believe I was slacking it. They think I'm annoying when it comes to that point. I can't come back.
My brothers are nice and caring men, they deserve more praise than what they're given credit for sometimes. I know people think low off us a lot and believe we're boring and not cool according to their standards, but my brothers are cool and I believe their time will come when they are older somehow. I don't know if that also counts for me. But I have good hopes for them. I believe it wasn't much off a nice thing from my mother to be off on a vacation on my oldest brother's birthday. I hope they'll celebrate eventually when she got back. He deserves that.
What will come off me if anyone finds out about my weblog and my YouTube channel? Care-tackers often aren't much aware off what I'm at on the internet. They have no clue about my business on here and I like it that way. It's a place I have for myself and somehow I like blogging, despite there mainly being no comments but I don't care about that. I like the process off posting weblogs. I don't know if this will ever be read to what it deserves and if I will ever get true justice on what I'm after but I have let go off the idea off ever getting justice and fairness on my case from Vana, hopeless as they are in that field. I mainly do this for myself nowadays and I don't care there being no respond.
Somehow I expect to die because off brain issues. I don't know how long that will take or if that will be any time soon. I believe I did te right thing all along and I have done the right thing in Zaanstad by doing my utmost best for myself and other clients. I fight more battles than one. Somehow I wish how to get good spirits out off myself for the upcomming time as life is boring nowadays and I fight but I have no mood to give it my best. I hate it when I'm apathious. Apathy is a part off schizophrenia as I found out. Taking less care off myself also is. I can't fight myself out off it as I'm stuck inside myself when it comes to that part. At times when I really set myself to it, I put on a soft and neutral make-up every now and then. (I have to fight with myself for it) I don't believe in overdoing it or looking tacky. Despite some mean people's believe. But I'm not their possesion and I never will be. I choose my own path.
Alternatives can be pretty short minded too when something isn't to their standards. I have never met those standards and I'm the talk off town to their evil gossip a lot. I always have been but it hasn't broken me or my pride. As I kept my distance from it and I knew not to get too stuck up or too close to it. That wouldn't have helped me but I hate them and that never goes away anymore. I have seen their real face and it's an ugly one. I could rant tons off weblogs about it but that has never helped. Someone should reveal the truth but I doubt that is on me. I can't do anything about what's actually going on. I can choose my side however, and decide to keep away from them from now on as that is what always felt right about those stupid assholes. I shouldn't give them more space than what they deserve.
I'm not talking about those I have been hanging around with a few years ago, but about those bitches who are narrow mindedly always gossiping about me without my broken friendships knowing about it. I always knew for sure that was going on and I mindlessly hated all off it. And always have done that. Appearently those bitches have won because I'm off completely but I couldn't take the entire scene anymore after a while. I decided to leave after trying to break through a million walls. It never helped. They just have been gossiping even more and backstabbing me over and over because off everything. It just didn't feel right anymore to be anywhere near them or the entire scene anymore. They lie and they hate on me and they aren't anywhere above me.
Allright, that's about it for now-
Thank you for reading.
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