On reading, writing and talking.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's still rainy and cloudy. It's a good day for green snails. I saw a lot off them on the pavement on my way to medication office this evening. 

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While typing goes well, and writing articles online is not much off an issue, to talk and speak is becomming somewhat off a difficulty these days. It's as if it's hard to come up with the right words and sentences and sometimes my mind goes blank and leaves me speechless. 'Hungadungadungadung.' 'Say what?' It's kinda hard when you would like a day to day job with a serious boss and that comes out off your mouth. It's easy for me to think and write. At this point I'm at ease and thoughtpatterns are probably diffrent. But when I talk... 

I believe this is a sign off brain damage. It's a part off schizophrenia to talk weird and unlogic and sometimes come up with weird phrases or unadequate speech. I'm afraid that's with me at times too. The more I get to know myself in that way, the more I look at myself with pity. Self pity is not a good quality my dad always said. It prevents you from coping with life in a healthy way. I try to shake it off as good as possible, but somehow I look at myself as if I was a stranger stuck in bad chances and a disease she has been born with. It's not fair. Humming in public and loosing my words when I have to speak a long sentence make me look less intelligent than how I feel. I think that's a pity. Not being capable to speak and read appropriately annoys me somehow. I can read articles in the newspaper. I can follow the news, but an entire book is often too much. 

(I do read the news every often. Some people insist not to read stuff like 'Het Noord-Hollands Dagblad.' since it's mainstream media and it's opinionated, but I don't have issues with it. I prefer an opinion off my own, which means having to keep up mildly with the news.) It's all part off the problem I have. Lately I have read a well-written book which was easy to follow and it was a big book, but most off the time it's too hard for me to read. I have a lot off books which I have only read half and then put aside since following it became too much. 

Some books are written easier than other ones and are allright to follow. I don't hate to read, I just think it's a bit hard most off the time. I'm impossible for a fantasy geek. They are higher educated and reading a lot is the standard in those circles but I have to put that aside. I'm not high educated and I do hard on difficult texts. Somehow on the other hand I have the idea I connect more with the world around me than they do and I'm not as strange and otherworldly in connecting with those around me in the real world. Sometimes I see things a bit diffrent than both sides but I refuse to become truly weird. I rather have the feeling my mind balances everything out and feels what's both appropriate and true for me. In every field. It's a search but it does well on me. If only I could speak up to people in daily life about how I see things without getting to fight with them. Something in me wishes for a way to talk cool subjects over with everyday people and see how they think and feel about it without going all 'Hadungadungadungadung.' to them. 

Allright, that's about it. 

Thank you for reading.