Good evening at the 31st off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's rainy and the country needed that. I don't know if it's enough to get rid off the massive drought that has came upon us this year, but it's a good step in the right direction. I like summer rain. Summer rain is good for us. 

*

Today was for sleeping in. After getting my medication at the office, I went back to bed and slept untill 12.30. Usually I don't sleep in that long but I was an awfull lot tired. I had a bad nigh where I slept at 02.30 AM. (I couldn't catch sleep. I hate broken nights.) I'm so tired lately it's probably not much off a suprise to have slept in so long. 

The only thing I have done today was going for afternoon coffee at de Boed and I had 5 cups. Coffee did well for me since it helped me waking up. While having coffee I was thinking about baking chocolate cookies. Usually when I make a certain receipe, the don't turn out as pretty as the image but they are nevertless good. I have been thinking off trying that receipe again and see if something fancy comes out off my hands. 

I'm not good at shaping foods. I can bring things to taste, but I'm not handy in sculpting - for example, a cookiedough. Or even piping frosting on cupcakes. I could practice, I could accept. Still, it's a challenge to try if I can make pretty chocolate cookies. Other than that, my thinking went out to it nog being acceptable to bake during the third week off August since it's the 10th year my dad has passed away that week, and other family members. It's not appropriate to bake during that period so I won't. Then my thoughts went to baking a chocolate bundt castle for halloween this year. Previous year it didn't came out whole out off it's mold. So I'm going to try again this year and see if I can bake a pretty castle. And I'm the owner to three new baking molds. A rose, a fancy bundt and a sunflower mold. It promises something for Valentines' day. But despite people might think it otherwise- It's not the day to declare our loves yet. (I don't have a serious love in my life at this moment. Still baking people something nice for Valentines' day is a good idea.) Not that it's no day to declare love- it's simply no official celebration day for it. You could, however, try this week and see what happens. Maybe they think you're a romantic for not sticking to Valentines' day. Who knows. You might even bake them a rose this week- That would be even more romantic. 😉 

Like said, I don't have someone in my surrounding I have a crush on or romantic interest in. Still I love ordering baking stuff for my hobby and a rose bundt mold should be part off every hobbyist's equipment in my opinion. So, while having coffee and despite taking my distance from the crowd and sitting by myself at de Boed today, I had some good ideas about chocolate bakings. I was tired and my head was hurting. But still I can think off chocolate bakings. 

And I was thinking about what to bake the next half year or so, during the holiday period. It's not always a good idea to think ahead like I do, it's only July, almost August and my birthday is the first celebration on the list. (I'm from the 5th off August. I will turn 30 this year.) Still- thinking out bakings is something I do often since it keeps my head occupied, which is a good thing in some cases. 

So, Lorazepame doesn't always do it's job and make me sleep at night. That's a bad thing. I'm already doing bad, and bad nights off sleep don't improve that issue. I'm not tired because I slept in awfully long today. And it's Sunday, so I should forgive myself for it. It's not something Leviaan supports, staying up late and sleeping in half off the day since they think you should have a good day and night routine. But I could go easy on myself for it this day and accept what I've done. It's not good being too harsh on myself for sleeping in. 

Weeks go by slowly, time goes by slowly these days so it seems. Maybe because I'm often bored but minutes are almost crawling by and the world seems to stumble from issue to issue so it seems. It's not really exciting anymore in life and I have the feeling the last half year has crawled from minute to minute. It's been like this for months. Life is getting by boring. There was a time when it went by pretty fast. A lot has happened since my dad has passed away the last 10 years, still- it's only 10 years and it's a small step. A giant leap in a small step and we're not walking on the moon. I have been doing so hard the previous 10 years in life. It's been so unfair. Life didn't go by easy. 

I could get a hold on myself for over-complaining, but at this moment, I'm just tired and need to figure out how to get myself more energy and better sleep in life since what I'm going through isn't going the right direction in my opinion. And to be honest, everyone needs a space somewhere to complain. We can't go without and I think I need it to voice my opinion- which is important. So it's a bit legid to complain a lot on here. Life could be easier whatsoever, which wouldn't make me complain to begin with. 

This evening we had well prepared Lasagna and it was good. It wasn't 'Zaans geluk voor gevorderden.' on a rainy Sunday evening. We really did have luck tonight. It softens my evening to have had a good meal on Sunday. (That's a positive thing.) And we had quite a large portion. Much better than that alms it sometimes seems to me. It's easier to be gratefull when the food is actually good for real. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

  

Good evening at the 29th off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was warm, clear sky changing with clouds but it was not unacceptable warm. 

*

This morning was for coffeeservice. It was a good morning with happy people because I served them their coffee today. I made the staff glad because I gave them space for serving coffee (Which they didn't have to do today. de Boed is a little under employed and they think it comes in handy for me to help them with morning coffee) And I had compliments over my coffee (They think it's good what I brew them.) Which also helps in feeling good about myself. 

After coffee serving I took part in a volunteer lunch. A lunch arranged by de Boed to thank their volunteers. It's a generous thing off them and they wish to arrange one every two months or so. So it's validated what we do. Who needs Vana Events if you can be a volunteer every week? For a thankfull crowd, with understanding bosses. It does good for me to participate my way.

This week's soup was a receipe from the Soup bible which they named 'Spanish chickpea soup with leek.' I adjusted fresh rosemary to it from the garden. The kitchengarden is a mess this year, but they have a rosemary bush which grows just wonderfull and which almost asked to be used for my soup. 

After the volunteer lunch I went home for a visit from General Practice. I'm not feeling like sharing details since it's my breast area. But she said it would cure and it was no cancer, like I thought. Aside to that, I wish to opt for a bloodtest since I'm so incredibly tired each time. It's a good thing to be checked on that. I'm so tired sometimes, it's at the level off a sick person while I don't have Corona or fever when they check me on that. I'm not doing well to be honest. I feel so tired despite I sleep as good as possible with the Lorazepame latened. But sometimes I just wake up tired and sleep did nothing for me the night before. 

It goes with ups and downs. One time I feel allright and almost on my old level off feelings, but most off the time I'm just tired, feeling down and have a nasty feeling inside my head. All off that gives me a depressed feeling most off the time. I'm not cheerfull and usually I seek distance from other people when I'm not feeling well. I prefer to avoid company when I feel like that and be more on myself. Though yesterday was for a complaint at the care office. Today I'm going to do so again. They don't hear it often. - But I could complain a bit more to them when I don't feel well. I feel such a headache at the moment and I feel so tired all the time. Sometimes it's luck to live low-profile without much to do in a week and during a day. (Doesn't count for today, but life is not overly buisy at the moment.) I could complain about care takers changing all the time and there not being a replacement for those on vacation. Raise your voice! As how they might say. 

So, I'm a bit on myself these weeks. I avoid crowdedness and at the same time I feel life is empty and boring for me, which also leads to frustration. I try to be such a good and helpfull person, and I don't live sober or poor but still- It feels so empty and boring. I miss my family and though neighbours are nice, I still don't have good friends in my surrounding. caretakers and fellow clients are all nice and do their best, but I find it hard to befriend people. I don't have real friends anymore. Aside to mentally hard and physically painfull, life is lonesome and boring for me. Being helpfull fullfills, but it's not a lasting feeling anymore. It's still important to be helpfull in my opinion, but despite I do that, I'm still feeling down a lot. I could be more gratefull for life in general- but I'm not mature enough to think like adults. I need more off a challenge not to grow more depressed than I already am. It's hard. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 25th off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

The sky was cloudy changing with intense periods off sun. The temperature was high today. 

*

Due to summer heath, I do better going through life washed. I feel dirty and sweaty in the evening and I shower volunteerly, where I usually slack on days with an acceptable (I don't like summer heath) temperature. I love being washed almost every evening and I used up an entire bottle off showergel last week over two weeks. Usually it takes more time for them to run out since I often don't even feel dirty after a day. Summer is perfect for being clean. ( I told in other blogs how basic every day care was an issue for me and other psychiatric patients with heavy medication.) 

Today was for home cooking my meal since I didn't feel like eating at de Boed. I had paprika wraps with mexican inspired filling. A bean mix, minced meat, corn, zuchinni and paprika. Brought to taste with paprika powder and pepper and salt. I adjusted garlic sauce to give it more taste (It wasn't all perfectly healthy. But I'm not on a diet) and I had an apple for dessert, and a large bottle off fruitjuice. (I watched my vegetable intake, though. And I had something healthy for dessert.)  Tomorrow I'll eat that again since I have a leftover. 

de Boed had red cabbage from the freezer sided with boiled potatoes swimming in gravy and a hamburger for dinner. I didn't feel like it and decided to make my own dinner this evening. After a while most people have had it with it, but sometimes we can't choose what we eat if we're dependent. I had the luck the grocery van drove today and I heard someone suggesting I'd cook myself after complaining about dinner. So I thought to myself: 'Why not?' My dinner was good tonight and I could eat without the usuall fights around me. (Mental people often break out in fights. Especially during dinner time things can leap up.) It's been a relief to escape from that nasty atmosphere. 

So tonight I'm clean and well fed. It's been no coffee service this morning since the lady I replaced did it for the last time this morning. (She found another day activity to fill in her days.) If all goes well, I will replace her the entire month off August. I love Monday morning coffee service as it gives such fullfillment to serve people coffee on Monday morning. I'm lucky de Boed's kitchen / coffee counter has airco in summer. I'm also lucky for that when making soup. 

Cooking gave my life fullfillment this evening. It was a good idea to do so. I definetely have the idea I should do so more often. To brighten up days for myself, I should do that. I even think I'll be less depressed in general if I would pick that up. By the way, who would enjoy life having depressing meals all the time? No one does. I think I did well for saving myself this evening. It calls for more times after this. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

   

Good morning at the 24th off July, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

There is a promise off high temperatures in the air for today. It's not to my liking. 

*

Yesterday was for making quark tart. Not the quark cake which is more like a cake, but for a square quark tart wich comes close to a non-bake cheesecake. 

It's made in a square springform and I topped it with white chocolate hearts, like I do with most off these tarts. I love putting white hearts on top off them and I was glad I had a container off it 'on the shelves.' And I was glad summer heath didn't make them stick alltogheter. I think it came out pretty nice. A square pink quark tart with white chocolate hearts on top- Just because I can 😉 It's for de Boed's afternoon coffee moment today. I hope summer heath and this go well togheter and people won't loose their appetite today because off it. I will serve this tomorrow with a doll up off whipped cream. So it's extra spectaculair. 

After preparing this quark tart, I ate such great cherries. The whole afternoon was already a good one for eating such lovely cherries, I thought to myself: 'They should put these into pastries.' Since that would be a great purpose for them. Aside to that, I drank coffee and did some online shopping. I found affordable baking molds. 

 (Coffee picture off the day.) 

But the day went even better when finding out de Boed had a karaoke soundsystem on try out. I sang about 4 songs with it and I love karaoke. I love to sing in public since they love my voice and how I sing. I never thought people would ever love to hear me sing for real. But here it happened and I got people who adore my singing. I feel proud off myself about that. I practice behind my computer, singing with lyrics on screen sometimes. Practice paid off. (Well, not practicing, just singing my heart out and practicing on the way. Either way, singing often in private did well for my sound.) they told me they want to do karaoke more often. So I'm granted a great afternoon every often. 

I can't sleep tonight. I took some extra vitamins this evening while taking the Lorazepame. The vitamin rush I often experience after taking those wrecks the lorazepame and doesn't make it do it's job. Vitamin C releases more serotonin in the brain and let that be everything medication is about: Lowering serotonin. I decided to take Vitamin C since I caught a cold this week while walking my way home from the supermarket in the rain. (For quark tart ingredients and a can off whipped cream) I should tell the care office vitamin C in a 1000 milligram tablet on time relapse, wrecks medication. I'm pobably screwed all night for to have taken it and not being capable to sleep. I feel so well, and I took vitamin C and the Serotonin is floating through my system (It makes me feel good but I'm probably unstable tonight) and fighting with the medication tonight. But I feel in such a positive rush and it's weekend. I better sit it through and wait some time untill I hopefully will get tired / capable to sleep. Somehow I hope it's going to work against that cold. But I think a good night off sleep might have aswell. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good evening at the 22nd off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy, warm yet not as hot as previous week. It was acceptable weather. 

*

Today my bank card got deblocked. I have acces to my bank account again after a proces off calling the bank and being verified. I'm glad they allowed it despite my accountant to have been slacking somehow. It's the perfect start off the weekend to be capable to pay for my groceries again next week. 

This morning was for serving coffee with a cupcake and I loved how people said my cakes and coffee tasted great. I love making a morning better for them and it improves my days too. To bake and to serve it with their coffee. Otherwise yesterday and today would have been terribly boring. So it's something good to bake. 

It has cost me a lot off energy to be on my feet all morning, though. I'm incredibly tired off the day. It took mental energy and that requires a lot off me. Still I'm so glad I did it. I feel very tired at this moment. If you don't do something about a bad situation (Boring mornings, feeling useless, the idea that it's all cheap and low-profile, having no sight on something better.) yourself, sometimes nothing will change. But I paid a price for it today. It was fun, though. 

I love how they compliment my coffee all the time. I'm there for them on Monday and Friday mornings. And I make soup for them every Wednesday. I bring my share to the table and I'm proud off myself. 

To make use off the situation off a blocked bank account for more than a week, I ordered some items online and among them where cupcake papers. I can bake them for quite some time if I wish. (I made use off the situation since I had money left for that on my bank account. I should be sober for the rest off the period, though. Since these days are pricey and you never know what to expect next.) I'm so glad I can pay the pancake restaurant on August 6th. I will celebrate my 30th birthday there with family. 

In a world full off people who act like complete thrash, I'm proud I can keep my head held high and say I'm acting as a good person. There's no shame on me to be found and there never have been. No matter how bad they talk behind my back because you should know it by now: That's complete bullshit. I can be proud off myself. 

The upcoming period I will feel a bit unsupervised. One off my regulair team will have another job, (The man I descripted as a father figure. It's a pity he will be leaving this organisation) and my main care taker is on vacation. I'm a bit left abandoned these weeks untill August. I have the idea they will have nothing to worry about. But it would be nice to have replacements for them just in case but I expect no trouble to be going to happen. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 21st off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was rainy in the Netherlands. There where no thunderstorms and there haven't been. But it was nevertless wet. 

*

Today was for doing groceries at the nearest large supermarket, which is quite ahead off where I live. I had to walk home since the bus left right in front off me when I left the supermarket. I didn't feel like waiting for an hour in the rain, so I took the trip home by foot. It took me half an hour to walk home. There's a reason why I don't go there often. The bus back only goes once every hour. 

After my small groceries (I didn't buy much. Just a few ingredients I needed.) I went to de Boed for lunch. Especially for the left over off my soup. It was good and today it was also very good soup. 

I got bored today back at home. I had nothing to do but I had several ingredients left, so I went baking cupcakes. Without frosting since I didn't have that on stock. But the cupcakes on themselves are just too good if I do say so myself. 

I hope they will be appreciated tomorrow at the coffee moment. They taste great and they're brought to taste with lemon zest and vanilla extract. A winning team in my opinion. 

I have a habit off collecting cupcake papers. Wherever I go and they have them for sale, I just got to have their version. Often they come in containers that hold 60 pieces off them, but I don't mind. This girl just can't have enough cupcake papers. I came up with the idea it's about time to use them if I collect so many. These rainbow cupcake papers are by the brand Cucina. It makes these cakes look fancy and festive, despite there not being frosting on top. I'm not going to miss my cupcake papers once I used them up. It's probably the best purpose for them: Being used up. I got about 30 off these cupcakes and I just hope I made enough. de Boed is often a bit crowded during the morning. Tomorrow I have a coffeeshift and I think it's going to be fun handing the crowd a cupcake with their morning coffee. 

de Boed can be boring, and the road may seem endless sometimes. But someone gotta do something about it at times when the occasion is there. They taste like heaven. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good afternoon at the 20th off July, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

The weather is stuffy and warm and there is a promise off thunderstorms in the air. Yesterday was very hot weather for the Netherlands. It's been hard to pass through the day, but I made it. 

*

Today was for a classic Dutch Vegetable soup. Like I explained, it's a Dutch classic and beloved receipe. And everyone loved it. I have fans and I can make even the biggest sour head like my soup. It's a good thing to cook well on a day like this and today it fullfills me with pride I could manage to handle a crisis and make good soup. de Boed's refridgerator is still broken. But despite the groceries for soup to have been late, I have been capable to give an excellent twist to it. Despite there being little time to do the thing. But I made it and it was pretty good. Sometimes the best solutions in life come from small crisises. Like they say in politics: 'Never waste a good crisis.' I don't know what innovation for further soup making I actually made today, but whatever I did worked well for me. de Boed's refridgerator luckily will be replaced tomorrow. 

I have no acces to my bank account. Still. It's a bit baling over it for these weeks. I was capable to pay my groceries with cash but that's not fun. I hope that issue will be solved soon either. It's been a period off watching my shopping behaviour again since I don't like to spend my saved cash all at once (There is a day after tomorrow and I have to wait and see how fast it's solved.) 

I have been looking up Nordic Ware. American baking molds and they have grown incredibly pricey. I can count myself lucky I already have two off them purchased last year- but baking with Nordic Ware isn't going to happen in a new mold if prices keep on being this high. That's not fun anymore. I could be less ungratefull and be thankfull for what I already have. I could be acting less spoiled, but for a hobbyist loving to buy new items for her hobby every often, an increase in prices off baking equipment kinda sucks. The world has become more expensive these years. I should have bought earlier on but it wasn't moderately priced to begin with, so I was thinking off saving it up a bit and collecting their items over time when a special occasion took place or when I had some money left. Unfortunately, it's not my price region anymore. I gotta work with what I already do have. 

It's not like de Boed enjoys their cake less when I serve it to them the way I have already done. If only the world could solve it's crisises these days. And governmental wages would pay higher than they do for me. That would be the best thing that could happen: An increase in money since inflation has become so insanely high. I think we deserve it somehow. 

I could bale about having little money an entire weblog long. Nobody has money nowadays. I don't have acces to it to begin with ( For about two weeks now.) I have been asking my accountant and the bank, but it's got a bit stuck somewhere in between. The bank declares the accountant to have blocked my card, while the accountant said I should call the bank myself to let it unblock. While the bank told me only my accountant (I have an accountant who guards my money since I'm mental. She does her job well most off the time.) could let the card being unblocked. So it's stuck somewhere in between. I have send my accountant an e-mail to explain this. I hope she has it solved before my birthday at the 5th off August. But preferably a bit sooner. I'm going out at a restaurant with my family at the 6th off August. A pancake restaurant at de Zaanse Schans. It's highly touristic. But I wanted something special for my 30th birthday. I have been saving it up for a few months with money I got as gifts. Speaking off which, I have stuff on stock (I have been restoring my stocks after no-spend-month. I have items on the shelve to overcome the worst.) so I'm not out off care products for some time. But it has to be solved ASAP since I don't like this.  

It's as if lately, all kinds off incidents have happened and I had to solve them with my capabilities and knowledge somehow. My bank account being blocked and it not being solved for weeks is one off them. Just like the broken refridgerator at de Boed. A lot off small incidents have happened and caused me bad luck for some period off time. That's not black magic, though I can hear them laugh about it when they would hear it, but fate. (And my own stupidity this time for typing in the wrong digits when trying to pay two weeks ago. The bank not solving it soon is fate, however.) Often it's easily solved when such an incident takes place. This time it took a bit longer than usuall. I hope it won't take me too long, however. That would be just too bad. Maybe I can even afford a Nordic Ware item with what I saved up. (That would be luck by an incident. But I hope it won't take place too often.) 

I could also spend some recreation money on Nordic Ware. And on the dessert bible. It comes out in November but I'm looking forward to it already. Christmas, snow, a snowy forest with all kind off sparkles- I have been day-dreaming a bit about that during this heathwave. I think I should try to make the best off Christmas this year and the yuletide to have something to look forward to instead off whining about things never ever to be good enough. I should give it a try to put a lot off effort in decorating (From November on.) And sparkle the hell out off this year when it ends. Literally. Christmas is nowhere to be near any time soon. I have been thinking when I did bad, that I had to make de Boed a christmas baking already in June since I was afraid I had to be in in the mental hospital by christmas. I felt so bad the previous months. But I'm alive and I survived it and medication change goes well in that aspect. I feel I'm doing a bit better and there's no way I have to be at the psychiatric department off the hospital by the end off this year. (As far as I can predict that now.) Luckily. You wouldn't believe how bad I felt I was doing. So if I make it untill Christmas without an intake, it'd better be festive. (I'm wishing to do all kinds off fun creative things, and baking a lot for de Boed.) It's nowhere to be near, but I'm already dreaming - off holiday cheer. 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading.            

 

Good evening at the 17th off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is a hot and bright day in the Netherlands. It's not to my liking. 

*

Today is for having a day off and being inside my home all the time. It's too hot for something else anyway and I didn't feel like going to de Boed today. I prefered the atmosphere off my own home. 

I wanted to purchase some items for my home at a webshop, but checked and found out my bankcard is still blocked. So no decorative items for me today. It's one off the best things I can do on a day like this: Go shopping online. I love items that make my home as nice and cozy as can be. But unfortunately, still a blocked bank card. 

Last night I did the dishes. It's better to do so for me when it's not overly hot outside. I slept well. I would have gone for breakfast at a local restaurant this morning, but they where closed when I checked. So I had to go back home and make my own breakfast. Luckily I had eggs on stock. 

A good thing about today is that I don't feel tired. Often I'm so tired all the time, but it's probably due to drinking a lot off water and peeing out all kinds off toxics that I don't feel exhausted today. Or maybe it's because I haven't done much and I've slept well this night. One way or another, I feel well. 

 Sleep is important, and so is rest at the right time. I'm going to hate the upcoming heathwave if I don't keep calm. I already feel worried about it. Summer heath is not my thing. I wish I could feel like having more energy often. It's hard for mental people to feel energetic on a daily base since mental problems require a lot off our energy. But I'm very lucky today. Despite not being capable to pay for my goods online. And tonight being for 'Zaans geluk voor gevorderden.' Cauliflower with potatoes and meat on Sunday. Just too bad, still I feel well today and I don't like something being in the way off keeping on being positive for now. Sometimes It's not to be explained where that feeling off luck comes from today, at this moment. White magic, probably. It's such a positive feeling, it feels like good magic and that makes me believe I still have friends out there. Despite it all. 💖

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Far away from the living world.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

The weather is still dry and sunny. 

*

Sometimes I compare this place with a remote place somewhere in the U.S, where there is coffee served at the local general store, and country music plays from the radio. The cowboys with their cowboy boots and hillbillies and rednecks and their highly dolled up women or ratchet women all attempt here and it's as boring and outlandish as a far off place in the Nevada dessert, or Ohio, or Oaklahoma in the dessert, where people are narrowminded and a bit stupid. We're not as far off from the living as an actuall dessert with narrowminded rednecks. But it could do if you hear the rumors about that. People here are narrow minded, but they're not dolled up to fancy but ungroomed and a bit ratchet. And it's far off. Somewhere in the dessert with all kinds off types in people where they serve plain coffee at the locals and where '80's pop music plays from the radio. It's not the middle off nowhere, but it could be close to it. I'm often bored and feel stuck here. People are not as insanely stupid as some Americans, but their mindset is a bit conservative. In most things they're tolerant, but when it comes to left-winged thinking and gay rights it's often not for them. Just like changes in food or a lot off things which require out-off-the-box thinking. They're not religious, but contrary to that is that for them there is no spirituality and that stands solid as a religion. (Atheism) It's how most people think. And foreigners? Preferably not too much. (Somehow I started to think they are right. I'm not right-winged, but I agree there are too much foreigners in this country now who seek a place they don't even have for their own people. I also think they should respect our culture more when they get here. Thinking National Socialistic and narrow-minded goes a bit too far, though. I prefer an open minded approach to most people.) 

We're so far off it's almost it's own status. (It's not, but it's close.) I think it's bad for me to got stuck here at such a young age. I like to see things diffrently but I can't change it. Not even for myself and if I've learned one thing: I can't change people for the greater good. I'm not capable to change their mindset. I wish I had the nerves to discuss things with them. It would probably be good for them to start thinking in a diffrent light. But it's hard. At least these people don't have guns. But they started talking about it since crime rates are increasing and criminals are getting more violent with more dangerous weapons nowadays. They wish they had ways to defend themselves against it. So I can sense they're even getting pro guns to fight against thugs. (I agree criminals are getting insanely violent and society is getting more harsh each day.) If weapons where legal in this country, it would become an insane mess. Let's hope that day isn't close. But the more violent criminals become, the more sounds go for weapons to defend the innocent, and themselves. Drug gangsters are indeed insanely dangerous in this area off the Netherlands. So we're becomming a bit like the old wild west. (I say that quite often after something like a violent robbery took place. 'It's like the wild west here.' ('Het lijkt hier het wilde westen wel.')) If the day comes people learn to shoot, I should try it too and defend myself against it. I can't go unarmed iff the rest off the country has weapons. That's too dangerous. I'm afraid my enemies will shoot me once they have the chance. But like I said, let's hope we won't see the day it's legal to shoot in Europe soon. Especially at a mental place, that's asking for trouble. 

Life could be worse, life could be better. I could have a life in a more lively area with open-minded people, I could also do worse and be poor and not have a home at all. Sometimes this area is practicing gratefullness for the skilled when it comes to that. Life is getting by, I am getting by but everything is said with that most off the time. It's not bad, but it's not allright either. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good afternoon at the 16th off July, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone. 

It's bright, sunny and pretty warm outside. 

*

This morning was for sleeping in after getting my medication at the medication office. I got a latened Lorazepame and I still feel drowsy each morning for taking it late. So getting back to bed despite the other medication, wasn't a bad idea. 

I had lunch at de Boed, and then went grocery shopping at that one very expensive shop that's near. But I have no choice but doing groceries there since I can't move very far away. I'm kinda chained to this location and what's closeby. Especially with medication changing all the time it's not a good idea to move very far. 

It's promised to become a heathwave next week. I'm not looking forward to it since I hate high temperatures and basically can't do anything but just be in bed in front off my fan those days. I have no big plans for next week, luckily. I hope I won't get trouble with summer heath and medication enhighering and changing. That would be a disaster. Due to the weather it can become a bit too hot underneath my scalp and my brain boils it up a bit. More than a normal person during these days and it's a nasty feeling. As if I'm very drowsy all the time during daytime. 

There won't be any bakings off me soon, since being in the kitchen with said weather is too much for me so I can't do it next week. I like being in bed all the time when it's too hot. I have to watch getting in enough liquid these days. Sometimes simple fresh water tastes great. I'm not used to a lot off soda drinks or drinks high in sugar, so ordinairy fresh water from the tap is such a great thirst killer. I try to drink lots off it during a heath wave. (In the Netherlands, tap water is incredibly clear and perfectly suitable to drink lots off if you like) Actually I poured myself a pitcher and it's by my side to be drunk for this moment. Water is a good idea! 

It's a good period to stay calm and take it easy. Summer vacation for schools has started this week in this area off the Netherlands. Unfortunately, the swimming pool also has summer vacation so they're not open for us. Just for recreation swimming so that means too much kids surrounding me all the time when I would try to swim. It's not my thing to go swimming during a summer vacation then. 

I wish I could actually go on a summer vacation, I've complained about that quite some times. I wish I could go on a trip and travel some cool places this year. But I can't due to medication enhighering and changing. (And my general condition is bad.) Having mussels in Sidney, or the soup off the day at a cruise travelling the North American eastcoast for example. It's just that I can't. I'm stuck here. I bale less than I did a few weeks ago about it, as if I found more peace in it. But it's still hard. ( I bale less due to have done a few fun things last week, like swimming and having cappuccino at a terrace.) I should come up with something fun to do tomorrow. Maybe I'll have a cappuccino at that same place again. Or have breakfast there. I haven't done so in a long time. (Breakfast with a cappuccino sounds great.) When it's not too hot tomorrow morning. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.        

Good evening at the 14th off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today the weather was sunny and bright with here and there a cloud. 

*

Yesterday was for taking in my Lorazepame at a later time. I had an appointment with mental health about the enhighering off my medication. Due to summer heath I wasn't capable to go there since I don't stand heath very well and they made it a phonecall appointment. We talked through what was going on in my mind and I got a more calm mind, it seems to be a bit better when it comes to it mentally. It's just that I have been sleeping bad these weeks ever since medication enhighering took place. 

That made them decide I had to take Lorazepame at a later time to get it's use just before bed instead off too early in the evening. So far it didn't have much succes. I felt sick last night an hour after taking it and laying in bed and I had to throw up due to it. After that I have called the Leviaan night service to inform them and I have been moving around in my appartment, turning rounds and moving quite weird, untill I found I have been acting weird and stressed and told myself to go back to bed at 01.00 AM. So- not much off a succes for the latened Lorazepame- though I slept quite well tonight but in the morning I had to get used to the effect off the latened Lorazepame since it works through quite long. 

I have been reading we had a full supermoon this night which could have caused feelings off sickness. I'm sensitive for the moon. I feel it when it's full moon at night and I'm just as sensitive for astrological positions as the next person. Maybe I'm a bit more sensitive than others. It happens too much I can't sleep at night. I'm sensitive. A bit hot headed, or quite the opposite these years, but sensitive.

Today has been for swimming. I have been swimming at the local pool and it did well to me. It's been put on hold due to summer vacation, (Today was the last time untill September) but I feel I sleep so much better when I swim each week. I believe I've swam 7 lapses and I went at the outside area off the pool. It's such a luxury to swim on Thursday. I swim on a program put to use for us by the local government. A program to let the mental handicapped swim for free on Thursday and I swim with a Leviaan group. (A small group, but it doesn't actually bother me to look horendous with care takers and other clients surrounding me, while I'm all fat and ungroomed in my cheap ass bathing suit. I simply love to swim too much, and I wash my hair after each turn.) 

While swimming I was thinking off the following sentence: 

   

I was thinking off myself that way. I swim, quite slow. I look ungroomed, I live low profile... but it's all moving forward slow or standing still, but nevertless, I was moving forward slow and steady in that swimming pool this afternoon. (I swim quite slow) Or so I like to believe. Maybe life is moving forward slow. But it's somehow moving. (At least I hope so.) 

At least we don't have Corona anymore. (Think like an adult!) So I can swim each week and have coffee at a terrace when I feel like it. It's positive. I hope Corona won't bite us in the ass anymore for a long time. 

De Boed was dealing with a broken refridgerator. So I will make us Paprika soup tomorrow. This week's Wednesday Soup didn't happen, unfortunately. And today was for swimming. So I will make Paprika soup tomorrow for lunch. I hope I will sleep tonight. 

Allright, that's about it  for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

 

Good morning at the 12th off July, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

The weather today is bright and clear. It's promising to become hot this weekend. 

*

This morning I write you this on an appropriate time in the morning. Not at midnight hoping you don't stay awake at night yourselves. I slept a great deal off this night and I feel good due to it. I love sleep. 

I washed myself this morning. I decided to shower here and be clean before I got back to Zaandijk. It's been a good idea since feeling dirty and sweaty isn't a good idea. Cleanliness is next to godliness. It can feel like that, no matter what religion you have. It's nice to feel clean and fresh. 

I have a bit off a problem. Yesterday while purchasing roses for mom yesterday, I hit the wrong digits three times for my payment card so it's blocked. I have to solve it as soon as I get home. I can travel home with what's left on my travelling card. But it's been a bit stupid. (I had the idea in mind to buy mom roses for some time but it went out a bit wrong when I did so.) Luckily I could pay the roses with what I had left in my wallet on cash. Luckily she likes the roses and she appreciates them, so it was worthit. White roses, pale pink roses and darker pink roses combined in a charming bouquet. I'm not always that stupid but I have my moments sometimes. Then I'm a complete clutz. 

Today is for going home from mom. I'm not looking forward to it to be honest. But at least I'm washed and fresh this morning (Think like an adult!) So that's a good thing about today. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good evening at the 11th off July, 2.

 Good evening everyone, 

The day is cooling down. It's been hot outside today but it's been bearable for me. 

*

It's as if I have been cheering too early in being positive about grooming myself again. I slack in it again and I have been going around unwashed ever since Thursday. It's a bad thing and I think I will wash myself tomorrow evening. I told you how I want to keep things fresh in summer. It's a good idea, but mental health is in the way and I feel sweaty. 

I do wear a bit off make-up today, though. Eye-makeup with concealer and eyeshadows and mascara since I have been sleeping so incredibly bad tonight. It's been like one off these evenings again. I had such big circles this morning I was a bit shocked. I'm going to wash off the make-up before bed. Other than that I have to set myself to really wash myself. I have quit my skincare routine and it's been due to dark magic. Maybe they are extremely jealouse off my pretty face that they want to keep me from it being perfectly groomed and flawless. I keep them for it by now. (Actually I heared their voices trying to break my skincare routine a few weeks ago.) Black magic works on destructive feelings and jealousy.  

They decided to only hand me emergency medication every three days to keep me from using it too much. Emergency medication works well to sleep well and kill voices and thoughtpatterns temporarily. But it's addictive and you feel drowsy all day after taking it. I have been using it a lot lately so they try to moderate me by now. 

It's just that I can't sleep these days. Amisulpride makes more active on a daily base and somehow I think it's been heaping up in my system so I can't sleep at night like I used to for a while. It's been terrible these days. I wonder if the medication works at all for me. I think I shouldn't have put online about how important I think grooming and keeping clean for me is. 

It's not much off a habit among them to groom yourself well and wash. I think it's something they frown down upon a lot when it comes to me. Why would someone get such a nasty idea in their head? I asked them. 'Why would you do this? It's so low.' 'Earth and water signs do this the most. We must be very jealouse at each other for doing so.' It's literally what they said. 

I have been suspecting them off jealousy, and wrecking things for people off their disliking. It's as if there is a pattern in it I'm perfectly capable to see since I befall victim to it quite often. It's such a witches-trait to be jealouse all the time and wreck things for people out off that feeling. It doesn't make you a nice Pagan, or Wiccan, but a nasty witch from children's books if you take part in such happenings with your magic. 

I don't know if I should continue with this. It's not a healthy subject. I should watch my words with it online. It's a bad idea to share suspicion which can't be made into evidence. But somehow I see something suspicious happening. It's not for now to be shared. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 11th off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and bright, not a cloud to be near. 

*

Today I got sick off de Boed and the foresight to go grocery shopping wasn't a pleasing one, so I escaped to my parental home today. To sit in the sun under my mother's canopy with coffee and have quiet space and nice flowers surrounding me was much more pleasing today. I made the trip by train. Often I go by bus but this time I felt like going by train, after having a cappuccino and a ham-cheese croisant at the station. 

It might sound sad, but when I'm having a cappuccino or a machiato in a cardboard cup at a station, or at a shopping area, I feel like a woman off the world since this is what the working people in New York, Amsterdam and London also do: To have coffee on the go. I seem a bit out off place due to looking weird for being obese, but I love having coffees in public. 

Speaking off which, yesterday I had a cappuccino and an ice cream at a terrace in the sun under a parasol. It was a good thing to do during an otherwise boring Sunday. I had dressed myself nice, put on a hint off mascara and then went for it at that spot. The place is called 'wolfsend.' It's the perfect place to have lunch since it won the award for best lunchroom in the Netherlands recently. I agree it's a nice place. It has a typical Dutch ambiance and it's the perfect place to bring your kids and all kinds off audiences. Not just preppy young people would love it. The only thing is that it's small. It's not suitable for large groups. But it's a nice place, though. 

It must have been years since I had been there since Corona broke out, actually. Before that I got there sometimes to have breakfast on Sunday. Now I re-found the place and had a coffee there, I believe I have a nice spot again to break my weekends when they're boring at home. The ice cream is really good, by the way. 

Life is at the point where I had it up to here. I wish to break out (Especially on boring mondays) and do more fun things and explore things. There has been too long off a time where I have been hiding myself from the world inside my home. It's just that Zaandijk doesn't has many opportunities to go out and do fun things. It doesn't even have suitable supermarkets for it's inhabitants and it's family orientated and touristic. It's far off a lot off things and the bus goes only once every hour. 

I'm not the kind off person to make a fool out off me near tourists to 'prove myself.' Since I usually ignore them. I have the idea a lot off them think off me as strange for being so big. Other than that, I don't have much to do with them but Zaandijk is a bit boring if you have seen that part off Dutch culture a thousand times over. 

The part which is not touristic, is poor. The homes look poor and the streets are shabby. There are kids playing all the time and life gets by quite boring. It doesn't bring you anywhere if you don't own a car. Like me. I don't have a car so it's not easy to get to places. I'm not allowed a car for being on medication. 

The poor part is old fashioned. Potatoes in a lot off gravy, vegetables and meat for dinner, sidewalk chalk by children's hands on the pavement, badly maintained grey brick roads. Homes build close togheter and little space for light. The only positive part in summer and spring is that the government decided to grow flowers for the sake off biodiversity and bringing back insects and bees to the country. You see them everywhere and they are an improvement for those shabby old areas. Other than that it's downright depressing to live there and have walks there every now and then. I shouldn't be ungratefull, It's not like I can afford more off a living than my small flat in a poor area on one side, and an overly touristic area on the other side. 

But practicing gratefullness is hard sometimes. Especially when dinner seemed to become typicall 'Zaans geluk.' (Zaanish luck) As how I call very small luck on a poor scale, (Potatoes, meat and vegetables.) It being served on a Sunday is 'Zaans geluk voor gevorderden.' (Zaanish luck for the skilled) Like this sunday. ) and the day seemed to become boring as hell. So- off to the family I was and it was a good idea. 

I was doing a bit hard traveling here for getting tired along the way, but I pushed through and I arrived here. I often wish I had never moved and never started protected living. The only thing is that I need a bread and toppings for slices off bread for this week since I didn't go grocery shopping today. I think I will manage to buy a bread and some toppings on the way back home tomorrow. So I can have breakfast each morning this week. 'Zaans geluk.' for breakfast. Slices off bread with sandwich meat on top. And a glass off milk siding it. (I drink a large glass off milk each morning) But I can eat, they take care off me and they try to help me. You can't say that about the area I come from. 

Today I had it up to here and tried to escape. Bad thing is that I have to return tomorrow. Tomorrow is my day off, and Wednesday is for Wednesday Soup, so they expect me to be there. (At least I can help my share by making the best soup I can for them each week.) I hope I can permanently escape the area one day and make it on my own. But as far as this mental disease goes- That day is far off. 

Allright, that's about if for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 9th off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

The day was mildly warm with clouds and it's called a typical Dutch summer when it's like that. Moderately hot, dry weather with clouds all the time. It's not a heathwave, and I think I should be thankfull for that. I can't stand too hot weather. 

*

Today was for the visit off a friendly neighbour. We had coffee with syrup waffles and we talked along about life. It wasn't a bad day. I can't do much, (fun things or things in general) but to have coffee with neighbours is something I'm capable to. It was a good idea. 

The last part off the day was for mourning again. After dinner at de Boed I felt sad about my family and I sobbed a few tears at the office. I couldn't sleep last night because off it. I had a pot off Earl Grey when I came home and I watched the evening news. Which distracted me off my sorrow. Just recently I discovered TV again. I can't watch 300 channels on a HD model or enjoy a Star Wars marathon on the moderate thing I have, but to watch Discovery every now and then and the news when I want to keep up is nice. For a long time I haven't watched much. It's perfect for distraction every now and then. 

Though, this evening wasn't much off a good one. I believe grandma rather wants me to enjoy life instead off being in such big sadness and sorrow over her. But it was probably needed. This year has been for a bit off mourning. But it's a good and big part off recovery or so they say. I just hope it will be worthit in the end and make me a better person once I truly am capable to enjoy life again and feel less sad and lost. Let's hope for the best for now. 

Yesterday at serving coffee at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk in the morning, I felt so good I felt like travelling Scotland again if I continue like this. But that's only if I can keep up with this energetic feeling and not feel down a lot like Thursday, when I felt drained and very low on energy. It's an eb and flow off energy and state off mind at the moment. I hope I will stabilize and be capable to go on vacation again once, it's my big dream to travel around Europe, but if I feel like this I have a long way to go in my state off mind. For safety sake, I have to take small steps first. They can be fun, though. Small steps to be capable to go on a big vacation contain smaller trips or fun things around the corner for now and providing coffee service a lot (Which is awesome.) and train myself for that. I should also respect my limits when I get a backfall and things don't go my way. It's a rough mental road, but it looks and feels positive when the coin flips on the good side for me. I deserve it to turn positive. Finally. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good morning at the 9th off July, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

The weather yesterday was sunny and bright, but it ended with clouds. 

*

Tonight I don't feel well. I feel so sad from mourning this evening I had to get out off bed and pour myself a pot off Earl Grey tea. Earl Grey really does something for your system when you're sad. I can recommend you to have a package on stock for when it's time for tears and pour yourself a pot off it when that happens. I have the Clipper version. (Clipper is a good tea brand.) 

It would have been my grandma's birthday from father's side yesterday. I think she would like us all to go on with our lives and do positive things this period off time, but I'm in a phase where grief over the loss off family is a big issue. It's not as if I have been crying all week. Grandma would not have liked that. But this evening was for mourning and sobbing a few tears. It's just that I can't sleep due to the feeling. 

I feel so lost in my sadness. I have the feeling it almost has no end and it's almost dangerous to feel that way. It's a bad thing to clamp yourself to feelings and happenings from the past like I do. But it's not forgotten. My grandmother is missed. She was a strong personality. She had her way off sorting things out with people (writing with strong words to make her points clear to her enemies) and she should have been in the parliament. Definetly. She could have been a left winged power woman off her age, though her family was open minded and forward-thinking, she had times against her, and she never had that ambition, but she had the personality and the capability to do so. She didn't have a hard time taking her place in her society, she was deeply respected and loved by those on her side. But she was nevertless someone to take count off. I try to be like her. She is closer to my heart than mom, or my grandmother from mother's side. I have similairities with my dad's mother. Sometimes, her ways don't work out well for me. I wish I was as handy with life as she was, since she has done it in such a good and powerfull way it's almost art. I'm handling things far less easy than she did. 

She died in 2006 when I was 13 years old. Thinking off her made me realize how much I miss my family this evening. 

There's something to say for them to wish for us, humans on earth, to go on with life. But I'm not at that step. When I'm sad and in mourning, it feels so endless since it never seems to end when I'm so sad. Luckily I can snap out off it after some time and I'm safed. But it's almost dangerous to be in such deep mourning in my opinion. What if I will not snap out off it one time? That it will continue for years and years to cry and be sad? I had the luck my weeks off sadness came to an end this winter. According to modern beliefs it's healthy to give space to such emotions and let go off everything. But it's something that almost frightens me when I feel like that. It's a strong emotion. I could even become unstable for having such emotions in my mind. It feels like the world is tossing and toiling inside my head. Still, we need our emotions and it's good to have them. So for now I will give them space. It's not good to heap it up. 

This week was for purchasing the Sauce Bible. A cookbook with all kinds off sauces. It's not healthy, but I'm sure it will give inspiration for christmas, or a home dinner once I'm ready to give them again, and it's a great addition to my collection. I have purchased three cookbooks from said series this month in it's journey to become a complete series. I'm too short on book case space in here to store them all. Still I'm somewhat determined to complete it. 

I had General Practice over here for a home visit, since I have in between bleedings. She said I can take a small cure for it which will stop the bleeding, but which will make me have my period in 10 days. I had one lately but I didn't call them for having medication enhighering and I wish to see how that works out first before taking such a cure. Taking an extra hormone pill didn't seem like a good idea to me at this moment and General Practice agreed. Luckily the in between bleeding has faded and there is no issue to be near soon, but when it happens again, I have to call GP and take that stupid cure according to them. I'm not looking forward to it. 

(I believe in sharing issues with menstruation since it's a natural happening which requires openness and tolerance since that's important in case there is a medical issue with it. Like my case, PCOS. I wish to encourage women to speak more openly about it.) 

Aside to Earl Grey, which is very comforting at this moment, I drank my last bag off that yummy detox tea and a pot off nettle tea this afternoon. (I drink nettle tea for my health.) The conservative lot off de Boed thinks drinking a lot off tea is unhealthy. Usually it's not. Drinking tea is good for your health most off the time. When I'm at home I drink lots off it.

I have more to write about yesterday, but maybe it's a bit too much for one weblog alone. Still I want to get some sleep after I finished my tea. It's almost 2.00 AM and that's not a preferable bedtime according to science. Still, sometimes my mind is overpowering and I do hard sleeping. So, next time more about yesterday. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

           

Good evening at the 6th off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

This morning was sunny and bright with here and there a cloud, but the evening is cloudy and rain is in the air tonight. 

*

This Wednesday Soup was for chickensoup from the Soup Bible. It was a pretty great soup and people loved it. I was dreaming away with my soup, day-dreaming about having such a fantastic soup on board off a cruise ship near the North American eastcoast, travelling cities in the east off Canada and the north-east off the U.S in luxury. There's little chance for me to ever get there. But the soup was worthit to be on a cruiseboat. The Holland-America line has such a trip. But I'm probably not allowed in the U.S due to my mental disorder. I wouldn't be capable to make it either since it uses up too much off my energy. I'm low on energy often. But it was a nice daydream and it says something about my soup to be that good. Well, at least I can have a luxury soup. 

Rain is in the air. It's cold today. I'm low on energy. It's probably due to the new medication and I think I have to get used to it by now. It's not good to be so tired all the time. But as you know me, I'm very tired often and I probably can't do coffeeshifts in the morning anymore due to this. It's due to new medication to be overly tired today. A few days ago I couldn't stop myself from dancing all the time and moving my legs in some sort off a tic. And I've enhighered recently. I kept calm all week and did no stupid things to let it work in. 

Still I'm dreaming about far away trips. Canada and the U.S for my soup, and scallops with sauce and white wine for dinner nearby the Sidney Opera house in Australia, another far away place I'll probably never get near to. (Due to an item on Discovery channel about the cooling system off the opera house and scallops getting into it since it's cooled with sea water. 'Scallops, a good idea with white wine and a creamy sauce, but not in your cooling system.' Along those lines.) I didn't get fancy scallops in a creamy sauce with white wine, but a spaghetti bolognaise, cheap ass but well cooked today at de Boed. Sided with water from the tap. Since I'm not allowed alcohol. The spaghetti wasn't too bad, but it made me dream about something better somewhere fancier. 

I wouldn't be capable to make it there though since it's incredibly hot in Sidney and I don't withstand heath very well. No far away trip to Australia, and not even scallops sided with a nice fruitjuice for me. Damn, that doesn't make much off a summer vacation for me. I'm not in good health. I have to take this stupid enhighering all the time. 

I wish I had an opportunity, or someone reliable in my social circle, to take me on a trip but I have none. I can't. It makes me sad to write this. I can't follow my dream and travel the world if I would like. 

I don't have inspiration for more for now, 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good afternoon at the 2nd off July, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is changing periods off sunshine with clouds. I hope it will rain this evening. 

*

Today is for baking a lemon cake with thicker lemon glaze than I usually make when doing so. It's for de Boed's Sunday coffee moment and it's probably a very good cake, despite I haven't tried it yet. 

Today I feel less good than yesterday. I think it's due to medication enhighering and I'm getting to a point where it's hard. I almost felt like not baking at all since I felt so bad, but then I burned an incense stick and then felt like baking a cake. I think they will be gratefull to me tomorrow. I have to take it easy though. I had a small walk around the block this morning since I felt like having energy I needed to loose, but I mentioned I have a bad condition so I had to take it easy afterward. I'm going for another walk tomorrow. I feel bad about it to have worsened and I don't want to end up being not capable to walk around. That would be a shame. Basic condition is important. I slack in that too. 

I have slept bad tonight. Probably from having a little too much coffee yesterday. Nightservice refused to give me an emergency medication and told me to sit in my living room for half an hour and wait untill sleep hits me. It worked after an hour. Still I slept little tonight. I hope it's not the new medication that makes me sleep bad. I don't want to go around that lane again and sleep bad for several nights. It has improved these months and I'm so glad for that. Sleep is so important, especially for mental patients. Sleep has such a good effect on the brain it's a necessity each night. I'm taking it easy today. Except for walking around the block and baking a lemon cake I haven't done much, except for having coffee in the morning but it's all I allow myself for today. My home smells nice for to have baked a cake. It's one off the rewards for baking a lot on Saturdays: My home usually smells so nice that day. The other reward is other people's gratefullness and them enjoying a slice off it. It's a rewarding feeling. In my opinion, it's good to give. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

A poem that came up in my mind

Good evening everyone, 

The evening is clear and warm, it's been a sunny day all day. 

*

I felt like writing a poem about washing and grooming my face again after that nasty depression about how I looked. It's time to try again and wash off the depression that has hit me so hard. I'm litterally washing off the depression that has hit me since 2018. I overcame it and it wasn't easy. 

To wash the depression off my face. 

It's been years since- 

I felt like this 

It's been years since 

It's been to miss 

The luxury off a beautifull face 

A woman's right 

Her sweetest grace. 

But it was not mine anymore. 

I felt so depressed 

A doorknob could tell 

I felt so lame 

I overcame that spell. 

I go through life washed again 

I hope it won't be teared apart 

By some nasty man 

I deserve much more 

Than he could give 

With a pretty face 

I wish to live. 

My daily routine burst to bits 

It's when the depression about him 

The hardest hits. 

Calling me ugly 

It didn't matter anymore 

I feel better again 

Better than before 

Still there needs to be 

A lot off washing done

So washing off my depression 

Has only just begun  

Somehow I hope it will never happen again, a man's judgment bursting me to tears and tear me apart for years. It's been the cruelest that has ever happen to me in my entire life. It may sound silly, but it was a nightmare for my confidence. Now I'm over with depression again and care again about looking good, I hope it will never happen to me ever again. Never. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 1st off July, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is sunny and bright and moderately warm. It's warm but if you stay out off the sun it's not overly hot. 

*

Today is the first day off my medication enhighering. So far I'm not doing bad, but if I overdo things I get wobbly and have to take it easy again. I had to skip coffee service this morning, but if I keep calm I'm doing fine. I'm not in bed all the time due to it. It's something positive for now. 

The day went by boring. This morning was for having coffee at de Boed. I wanted to escape the surrounding but then felt it wasn't a good idea since having medication enhighering. Still I decided to have lunch at home instead off at de Boed and I had a croque madame. (A grilled ham and cheese sandwich with a fried egg on top.) The afternoon went by pretty boring except for construction noise and having coffee at home. I made myself some. The feeling after having it was nevertless great as it cheered me up for this afternoon and it still makes me feel good. The renovation workers are gone for this weekend and I'm glad to be two days out off the noise. I kinda sit up straight from having so much coffee.  

Since I'm not on a no-spend-summer, I ordered the bread bible with all kinds off bread receipes, and square springforms since they're nostalgia for me. (I ordered them and received everything this week.) I also purchased a book about streusel pies and tarts in a shop specialized in old fashioned items. Square springforms and a receipe book with streusel receipes almost ask for action. Trying to fit squares into circles is no use, but I guess if you follow the receipe in a square springform instead off a round one, it also works out perfectly. Except square. 

The bread bible has to wait. (de Broodbijbel in het Nedelands) I'm not religious for ordering cookbooks who call themselves 'the bible.' on certain subjects, but I find the irony funny and I'm wishing to complete the entire series, which requires more space in my cookbook case, unfortunately I don't have enough space for the entire series. My book case is full already but there are so much nice cooking bibles and other cookbooks which are off my interest. But like said, the breadbible has to wait before I put it to use. I wish to make all kinds off sweet breads like raisin rolls or cinnamon buns, and plain bread is an art on it's own. But I don't have the skills or know-how and I don't see myself using it soon. Still it's fun to have an item which completes the series a bit more. I'm a mild collector. I used to collect sleich fairies in my youth but stopped after I had the first series complete. The cooking bible series is the only series I collect at this moment. There are people who collect far more stuff but I'm probably talking too much in my defense. Aside to that, I also collect other cookbooks. 

My most used cooking bible is the soup bible for Wednesday Soup. It's a cookbook which is gratefully put to use at some wednesdays and which I'm glad for to own. The only pity thing is that I had to write my name on it so de Boed knows it's my cookbook when I store it there. (Which happens sometimes.) So it's cover has my name written on it with ballpoint and it has stains at some pages from using it. But it's put gratefully to use. So it's a good thing. 

I can recommend the cooking bible series to Dutch readers, since they are good on their subjects. It's good quality. 

despite not using the breadbible, I have been looking up some off it's tutorials, which where fun to read. Bread is almost an art to make. It's hard but it's something on my list-for-the-future, like French pastry making. Which is also a difficult art. One day I'm going to do it. 

It's weekend again. I have been living from weekend to weekend for almost half a year. (Not because off partying, but because off making it through the week) The year has crawled over it's half today and every week was a bit boring. Weekends are often worse than weekdays. I have to make it through this weekend with medication enhighering. (I have to see if it works out fine.) I live far off things and it's often as dull as can be. Especially on sundays. If I survive medication enhighering it's still a boring road. I'm lucky they have good foods planned this weekend. Most off the time it was bad foods on top off an endless boring sunday at this place. It's only something if I bake them something for the coffee moment on sunday. If I can deal with medication enhighering tomorrow, I will do so again for them and bake a cake for them. If I can get myself to the kitchen without feeling dizzy. Hopefully the road is not endless and one day I will make my way to a fun place again. But I don't see that happening soon.  

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.