Good evening at the 20th off March, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was another moody and cloudy day in Zaandijk, the Netherlands, with a small rainshower here and there. 

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This morning was for preparing a ridiculously easy soup. I was right for picking an easy receipe, because I feel awfull since two weeks. It's mental issues all over again. I don't know what caused it. I can't lay my finger on the trigger for this episode. It's just something I have to cope with. Massive trouble, I could not clean the home this week. I myself am not the issue. I even seem to groom a little better. But the home? Don't ask if you're not prepared for the 'I'm a mental patient.' answer.- but it explains it. My home is a mess. 

I could not clean with the care taker who helps me, and my own chores where too hard for me this week. Usually, I take pride in it. But this week, I allowed myself some extra sleep and necessairy rest. It hurts! It feels like hell this week. It is hell this week. I can't read the news, I'm too full in my head to keep up with anything and my mind buzzes the articles and the items out too much to follow. I can be proud I prepared soup for de Boed. But it was the easiest receipe I have ever followed. I think many a dumbass can make it. It's perfect for mental episodes. And it got complimented all the time, so mission acomplished for this week. 

I can't seem to set off my mind off things. Mental health care says 'Look for ways to set it off, like hobbies like reading, creativity or TV.' But that's not even possible. Since I can't set myself to these. I love to be at de Boed and have plenty off coffee during coffee time. And be somewhat social with everyone. I'm not too full for social morning coffee gatherings. But to set my mind truly off? Not. Possible. I think it's no miracle to be caught up in this mindset without the power to break out, and truly find a way to set myself off. This whole treadmill off stress, probably has been caused by not seeing a way to set my mind off. To be on the internet works for me for a short time. Pinterest helps. My weblog helps. Fun texts on the internet work. To laugh at lame stuff on the internet. But it's no way to fill my day-to-day life. That would be a bit sad. An unemployed woman on the internet, drinking coffee all day. And not doing anything usefull anymore. I think the world is full off such people, but I hope it's not my profession. I wish I would get over with this episode. I hope to pop some laundry in the machines tomorrow, and do at least that as a usefull thing. Make use off my hoarding habit, and wash with that fancy stuff. Damn it, I even feel too lame to neatly put my dirty clothes in the laundry bin. They're all over the floor. 

At least I don't look like a Brussle sprout, despite it being crisis. My hair is done, my eyebrows I've plucked, and my hands are tidy. The basics are finally a bit in order. But it's not enough to 'set my mind off off things.' Though to do it mildly works. Last week, I even kept to a promise to someone from care staff to 'put on some nice make-up' for Sunday, to feel 'A bit better.' I did a full face off make-up, something I've seen being in fashion. I paid good attention to blush and highlighter, and it made an impression on them. The rest off the time I feel like following the Vogue beauty trend to this year and embrace 'our natural beauty.' Which is a trend for 2024 according to them, so no make-up most off the time. Except for grocery shopping make-up. I still stick to that, but don't ask why. I don't know why I do so either. 

Actually Vogue means we should embrace our natural feautures, but if you pull that far, no make-up is perfect for it either. So embracing my redness, dark circles and pimples with this one. 😉 But I think that doesn't fall under 'Natural beauty.' Still the world has to deal with it. 

I'm lucky to live in a place where it's not too bad to look a little untidy. no make-up is not the end off the world for a woman here. Plenty off them don't and feel perfectly fine with it. Just a nice haircut and plucked eyebrows is enough to be accepted. I love that. In this place, the acceptance for me and my imperfections has always felt like a warm bath. Especially since they are also tolerant with me being obese. And my glasses. They look at my heart. Not just at my appearance. And I think it's how cozy I am to them. I look like a cozy mature woman, and they love it about me. So these imperfections don't matter to them. A lot off them are ratchet themselves. And most off them litterally say people have to take them for who they are. And to mock off if they don't. It's what a wealthy place could have never taught me. This place is as poor as the streetbricks, and people have to flip their coins. But they got big hearts. Rough old Zaanstad loves me. I never felt that way where I come from. Where people looked down upon me. But here they understand. I love it. 

It's a place where they don't care about my glasses, or my fat ass, where the eighties are still on a pedestal and where the coffee pruttles each day for me. I love it. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.