Good afternoon at the 30th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

The weather today is cloudy and cold. With here and there a rainshower. 

*

Serving Farmer Cake was a big succes this morning. I better could have made three since I was short in it this morning and that's a bad thing. People loved it and I had fun serving them coffee and cake. 

This is what my workspace looks like on Monday morning. It had several good reasons to serve cake with my coffeeshift. No matter what the rest off the week will be like, at least Monday morning started good for me and the people who had my cake. My cake got declared better than Albert Heijn's. (A big supermarket branch. That cake got declared utmost bad.) And it got complimented in how I managed not to make it dry. People loved it's consistency. I love it when that happens and the morning starts good. 

Day 15 off No-Spend-Month. I'm close to it's half. I had my groceries today for cheap and I have the feeling living affordable is a choice rather than a must today since supermarket prices wheren't skyrocketing today. That's a luck for me. Still I want to fullfill it. (I did my groceries economical this afternoon and I barely spend money on extra's.)  Plus there was flour on the shelves which is even more off a softening for this nightmare. It seems I'm not truly bleeding anymore but not spending too much is a choice. (And finishing off what I still have on the shelves isn't a bad idea either.) I could allow myself a new coffeemaker or a new cookbook once I finished this task. My old coffeemaker needs to be replaced, and I love collecting cookbooks. So both off them are luxury items which could count as a reward once I'm done with it. And then continueing with it to the entire summer? It wouldn't do bad to do so.  

I haven't puchased hazelnuts for cookiebaking today. I found it counted as an unnecessairy luxury so I kept myself from doing it. It's also something for when No-Spend-Month is over. I could give myself some space after the first period is done, eating fish, buying a cookbook and a coffeemaker and then continue. If it's not a necessity anymore, I could allow myself some space to breathe before I go on. But that's for when this period is over. Let's keep on with it first. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good afternoon at the 29th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

The weather is cloudy with here and there a rainshower and it's not warm. 

*

Farmer cake is a Dutch classic. Almost everyone is capable to bake that cake and it's beloved by most people. I had 6 eggs left on the shelve and all the other ingredients on stock, so I decided to make two today so I have something to serve tomorrow at my coffeeshift. There's something gratefull about serving home made cake with fresh coffee on a cold and rainy monday morning. (The weather promises to become cold and rainy.) I'm not intending to do so every monday. That might be a bit overdone. But wasting 6 eggs would have been such a pity I couldn't resist to do something with them and Farmer cake can't be mastered too much if you like to bake. 

It fits into No-Spend-Month since everything was on the shelve and it would have been a waste to let it spoil. (I have spend no extra money on these.) Still we can have fresh cake on Monday morning. 

This might beat two flies in one clap: Not spending, and hopefully helping people cope with the crisis. Aside to that, 30 May would have been my belated grandfathers birthday (from mom's side) I think he likes the idea off Farmer cake at his birthday tomorrow. 

I fullfilled No-Spend-Month for two weeks now. It goes well and I stay strong throughout the week. It's not hard at all. Should I give myself a break and reward myself after that period? Or just immediately go on with summer? I made an appointment with a caretaker to have fish in a seafood restaurant short after I fullfilled No-Spend-Month. That could perfectly be my reward for this period. I still don´t have much money to spend throughout the week and I could keep it at that for a reward. Every once in a while we have to spoil ourselves and I allow myself that fish. But that´s for over three weeks. Let´s see by day if I can fullfill my goal, though I have the idea I just have to take it sober to even pay for those basic essentials. It´s not really rewarding to be sober, but a plain necessity. 

The bad feeling I had previous week is fading. I feel less bad than I did yesterday but it´s still taking it moderate and easy for me and I really have to be cautious the next period so I can have my rest and not overwork myself. It´s hard to think I can handle more than I actually can. There was a time where I could do it. But that has been, long ago. It´s sad to think my life has been hard ever since my teens. It never has been easy for me. I feel better now I´m back at home in my own surrounding. 

Allright, that´s about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 28th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny changing with clouds. It was pretty warm and there was no rain. 

*

I went home from mom's place since I had no energy to stay there the entire weekend. I feel so bad in my head I had to go home. I feel bad about it, but being in my own space, I feel better about it since I needed it for my health. I feel good inside my home and I feel an extra day off rest will do well for me tomorrow. 

They still excist: Square springforms and they are perfectly available at the internet, but No-Spend-Month requires me to stay sober and not buy that when I have a cupboard filled with perfect springforms. It's the art off not spending money on unnecessairy things. Except for charging my travelling card again, I have spend no money today on luxury items. I have been charging it so I could travel home by train. Often I take a long bus trip since it feels kinda adventurous to take the long route, but this weekend was for train two times. I have been spending almost all money I saved with groceries on my travelling card. That's how expensive railroad travelling (even that small distance) has become but it was a necessity. And it was somewhat fun, travelling by train since I don't do that often. Public transport in the area where my mom lives could be arranged better during weekends. Busses don't enclose well on each other and there are 40 minutes gasps when the bus only goes once every hour. It's a shame almost for that area.  

I have spend a lot off money on my travelling card this weekend. It feels a bit sour not to have saved a lot on my pay account this week despite taking it sober. On the other hand, I haven't spend it either. I saved just a little this week. (It's unfair. But it's probably how I'm supposed to do it with everything so expensive. Just money for basic things and no luxury for a long time.) 

Next period the energy bill for a lot off households will be a lot more expensive. A lot off people have to take it cheap these days. The same goes for groceries. Square springforms will be something for when this crisis is over, probably. It's day 13 off No-Spend-Month, and tomorrow it will be two full weeks. I have no plans on spending a big extra next week aside to groceries. I don't have to go somewhere and there is nothing expensive planned for me. The perfect week to fullfill my goal a bit more and safe a bit on my pay account. (Or just come round, as how I did this week.) I'm just like most people nowadays. I'm no exception in it. Most times I'm not like most people when it comes to a lot off things, but these days I bleed like everyone. 

A positive thing is that there is Detox tea by Clipper this evening for me to drink. At least I have good tea tonight. Other than that, my Saturday night will probably be boring as hell. I have nothing to do or see, I can watch a bit off TV if I wish to and see if they still have that funny TV show they had previous week which was good for a few laughs. (I don't have any snacks to go with it.) And watch the news ahead to that, since I try to each Saturday to keep up a bit with the world. (I don't follow it every day since that requires too much off me. But I try to sometimes.) Life for mental people is already hard enough without crisis and war. It's not fair. I hope I can cope with all this without getting more trauma scars than I already have. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.        

Good afternoon at the 27th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

The weather is cold and cloudy. Not much for a day in May. 

*

Day 12 off No-Spend-Month goes well. I haven't spend money on unnecessairy items so far. It hasn't been a bad idea to take part in No-Spend-Month. Most people I talk to about it think it's a good idea off me to do such a challenge. They support me in it. 

Today was for coffee and sleeping in a bit after taking my morning medication. Most off the time I can't sleep anymore after morning medication but laying in bed was relaxed for this morning after a night off bad sleep. 

I'm overthinking wheter to buy hazelnuts for cookie baking or not. It would be the dot to the i in my next baking project next week when I feel like it, but they're expensive and hazelnuts for that purpose could count as a luxury. Now there's flour on the shelves again in supermarkets, I wish to make it my mission again to make people forget the crisis and help them through with excellent bakings. A hazelnut situated in a cookie would give it just that little extra so it could pass for that. I just have to see how expensive the groceries turn out. Strictly seen it's food and that's a necessity. But hazelnuts for cookie baking are not. Trading one mission for the other? I think I will buy those hazelnuts. If they don't drive up the price for my regulair groceries too much, I'm going to make that offer next week. (Otherwise people have to live with cookies without a hazelnut. I just hope I can deal with it myself if my project doesn't turn out to be as close to perfect as I can get. The perfectionist in me complains.) I wish to make those cookies for a reason. 

10 years ago I made something similair as what I got in mind during my first episode off psychosis. (Even when I'm mad as a doorknob I bake.) That version didn't have a hazelnut but they where nevertless good. Why am I to celebrate such an incident? The 10th year after such an episode with a creative outcome took place? For god sake, no. I like to re-do them since I obtained a cookiecutter yesterday I used for that first version, and now I want to do them again but then a bit more fancy for de Boed. It's as if I am celebrating that incident. Is that common sense? Maybe it's a way to deal with it. Psychosis cookies. Delusion cookies. (Probably those cookies are confused as heck themselves.) Maybe it's a good thing to give the idea for those cookies another purpose at de Boed so I can let go off it. (Or bake them over and over if people like them.) That would give the whole thing something good. Turn something bad into something good. That is a good idea. I just wish to place a hazelnut in the centre this time to really make them special. (And brushing some eggwash over them.) 

It's been 10 years since that first episode. 15 May 2012 I was found by classmates  (in their pretty far away city) confused and lost in my mind after to have been out for a night with delusions in my head. Maybe that's the reason why I have been doing bad this week. 10 awfull years. I'm still not doing well, but I'm fighting it. Really, an anniversary cookie to celebrate all that? I'm not right in my head to do so. It's not much off a festive year. Except that I'm turning 30 this year. Two weeks after my birthday 10 years ago my dad died. Or maybe I should turn something bad into something good for the greater good. Still I should talk it over with health care. 

Maybe I can laugh about it rather than to be upset when it turns out good. I hope it makes me laugh and let go. It's not easy. I could also let go off it and not bake them at all. (And be less hard on myself.) That's what most people would do. Not buying hazelnuts to begin with to solve these kind off things. I'm starting to feel bad about the project when I overlook what I've just written above. It could feel like scratching open a wound if I would make them and that's not the intention. It's rare for me to feel such a strong emotion at all. And I feel ashamed when I look at it in my memory. I've been 10 years on medication, for example. That's not a reason for a festive cookie. I think I won't bake it if it makes me feel this way. End off discussion, thoze hazelnuts will not be bought. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 27th off May, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

Yesterday started with coffee in the sun at de Boed,  community centre in Zaandijk. But it ended quite cloudy. 

*

I can't sleep tonight and I have been doing bad almost all week. From monday on. Yesterday half way morning it faded and I decided to go to my parental home for the weekend, which I cancelled at first. I made it here by train. I'm still not doing great and I can't sleep this night. I have a hard week. It was a good idea to get here, though. I love my parental home and being here feels good. Despite feeling mentally lame with those attacks (Or is it one big one?) inside my head. 

Yesterday was for a scrumptious barbecue for dinner over here. My brother does well in barbecueing. 

Day 11 off No-Spend-Month went well, I just had to charge my travelling card so I could get here. But you could count that as a necessity. And I didn't enlarge its charge with a lot off money. So I think it's not bad. Despite not spending, I had a good ascencion day lunch at de Boed (They made a fancy hamburger and we had some off my soup left) and a scrumptious barbecue yesterday. It wasn't so bad spending little money. 

My mom came up with a few baking items she had still in her cupboard which where mine before I left this home. It feels good to work with that nostalgia. I love to have gotten all those baking tins and cookiecutters she had left. 

You know what pure nostalgia is for me? Square applepie. (Or Dutch appeltaart. it's a big diffrence in baking methods.) there was a time when square baking tins and springforms where in fashion and my dad had us three springforms in diffrent sizes and we made a lot off them. They don't have those anymore and mom doesn't has them either. They are gone lost in time. luckily I have a medium sized one in my home and I have made one already. (It should be bigger, or de Boed doesn't has enough if I make it in that.) It felt so good. If I ever come across a square springform that's quite big, it's mine. 

By the age off 17 I made pretty good 'appeltaart.' I have a picky aunt and grandmother from mother's side, but when they came over for coffee and we had my 'appeltaart.' They loved it. And so did grandpa. He was an incredibly picky eater, but my appeltaart was perfect. 

There's nothing fancy or pretentious about my appeltaart, it's just that I love it square and open (without the checks shaped dough on top. I usually made my crust quite thick so there was no left for it, or I made apple crumble pie -appel kruimeltaart- with what I got. So no checks on my pie) Oh, and I loved using cookiespices in my dough. It looked, smelled and tasted great. It could be a good thing handing de Boed an appeltaart my style the old fashioned way. But apples are expensive. Back in the days they where affordable. So I remember making it a lot when I was younger. 

It's something bad, not being able to invite family for appeltaart when I made it. I love the cozy feeling it brings up in my mind when I think off my sunday afternoon appeltaart with family. My parents, grandparents, aunt and brothers. Sometimes it's hard to have everything so nicely togheter without realizing what you got in a certain period off time. Looking back on it, I think the memory will be even more precious over time. Life has fallen apart since that period. It has been hard for me but it's getting finally a bit better these weeks.  It's not truly 'good' yet, but it's climbing insteaf off falling down. I hope I will have these periods off luck more often from now on. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 25th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

The weather today is cold, cloudy and grey. 

*

I shoot into a depression because off it. It's such depressing weather for May. I need my tea this evening. 

Today was for classic 'Groentesoep.' (Vegetable soup translated) with chicken meatballs and alphabet vermicelli for Wednesday Soup. It was received incredibly well by the lunchcrowd at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. It was praised all the time. And I got compliments over my hair. It was a good idea to dye and blowdry yesterday. 

I felt sick this afternoon after lunch. I couldn't help our trainee with her task due to feeling so bad. I had to take a rest at home all afternoon untill it faded by dinner time. Sometimes I think I'm stronger than I actually turn out to be. 'Just leave it to me, I'll do it.' often turns out into something bad when I think that too prone to myself. Both preparing excellent 'groentesoep.' and helping our trainee out didn't go well today. I felt so terrible and I was angry at myself this afternoon. I just sat on my couch staring at construction work from out my window and I didn't even make myself tea. I felt upset at myself for turning sick. (Sometimes I'm a perfectionist with little pity for herself.) I had the luck it faded by dinner time. Even I can't be superwoman all the time. I'm just human, after all.  

Day 10 off No-Spend-Month went well. I haven't spend money on extra's today. I'm going to be proud off myself once I finish this well. I made soup this morning and had lunch, then went home to let an attack off sickness fade. Instead off making money, I even obtained something by winning de Boed's Wednesday Puzzle morning. It's easy as cake but the other participants had more off a hard time getting each round so I easily won. I picked a Toblerone chocolate bar. (I had a break during soup making, so I could participate in that. Vegetable soup needs to brothle for an hour if you wish to prepare it right. During that hour I won the game) It wasn't such a bad morning but I had shivers all over when all off it was done. 

Next week I'm going to try better with our trainee. I love helping her out since I know what it's like to be a trainee who needs to get her points. (But it's harder than I thought it would be.) 

'Starlight.' Is my superhero nickname. It stands for standing up for yourself and performing excellent deeds in daily life. At least I have good hair these weeks so I can live up to that more. (A superhero is supposed to have good hair.) 'Starlight.' is not a bad thing. Doing all the good stuff it helps to think off myself as 'Starlight.' And act. Making soup, winning puzzle mornings and helping trainees (Or planning to) is part off that. People underestimate me and they better shouldn't do that. Starlight is a good thing. (Think: Magical Girls from manga and anime. I have grown beyond the age off a magical girl, but still I wish to be and act like a daily life superhero.) 

If only I could survive the weather. It's rainy and cold and January rather looks like this. This evening is for Clipper detox tea and Toblerone chocolate. It's forecasted to be bad weather all week. I'm hoping to learn how to handle it. (Hopefully there is a way, and I like to share that with you as soon as I find it.) 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

      

Good evening at the 24th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening ended bright and blue outside. Tomorrow it's predicted to become cold. But I have a hint off sunshine in my heart this evening. 

*

I need to blow off some steam before I go to bed, otherwise I can't sleep tonight. 

First off all, the spaghetti and meatballs was a great succes and my evening was already good because off it. They did their best to prepare it and people loved their spaghetti. We weren't dining in a low profile community centre, but at an Italian restaurant. That's how it felt. It was a good idea and I told the cook I wanted to eat it at August 5, when it's my birthday. (We're allowed to do requests for our birthday.) It was that much off a good idea. Good food can make my evening. 

Second off all, I dyed my hair this evening for the first time in almost a year and it looks so much better than my natural colour. It's so much improved (And I bought this colour a few weeks ago. It was 'on the shelves.' and not purchased as a luxury) and I feel so good about it. It made my evening even better than the spaghetti with meatballs already did. My hair is cut and dyed for the next period. I hope my hairdresser won't be angry at me since she didn't get to dye it. But the result is fabulous and worthit if she complains. I had a sentence in my head saying 'You look like a billion dollars with your hair dyed.' 

Today was a good day. This evening was even better. Tomorrow will be for soup. For a day in the week, all off this is not bad. Life is good this evening. 

I decided to keep on dying my hair in winter, since it made me feel so incredibly good, I'm going to need this every now and then. (I haven't dyed in a long time. I forgot how it feels) 

It's great my depression is fading and the bright light that comes in makes me do things that are good for myself again. I blow dryed to get even more off a result, and if I hadn't done all off this myself I would probably really look like a billion dollars. Fighting depression and doing good things really pays off. It works out well for me. The tide is turning. 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading. 

  

Good afternoon at the 24th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cloudy with here and there a rainshower. It's cold in general for May. 

*

I'm so glad flour is back on the shelves. Flour came back to the shelves in the supermarket and I purchased a stock off it to be certain to have it on my shelve for quite some time. It has become more expensive but it's not the end off the world, and grocery shoppings where not expensive this week. I had luck with it. I think I will remember this crisis for a long time, in a bad way. I have the luck I can bake cookies for my coffeeshift next week. This week will be Ascension weekend so I will be at my mom's. But next week will lend itself for some cookies. I'm so glad our flour problem is solved. It showed me how weak and attackable our society actually is. It just takes making groceries and gas more expensive for them to have to be short on money and goods and that makes them weak. It's unfair to be poor. I live in an area where the crisis is felt pretty hard. People aren't wealthy in Zaandijk (The area most tourists don't get to see.) And sick people often live on governmental wages to get by. I do get by but I'm smart and common sensed with my money. I have build up savings over time and I have an accountant who protects my money. Still it's not much I have to come round from in a week. 

Having that said, grocery shopping went well and today I have spend no extra money. That makes day 8 and 9 from No-Spend-Month a succes. I have to do it with what I got on the shelves this week and spend no money on extra's and unnecessairy items. I went just a bit overboard with hoarding baking products and dish brushes in the supermarket. (Dish brushes are cheap, so I bought two to have some on stock. Wise? Yes. But it wasn't according to plan.) Still it was affordable and I have only bought a small package off cherry tomatoes and an (expensive) pack off fresh salted nuts from the fresh counter for my snacks. I have already finished the tomatoes. I allow myself the nuts today. I only have to make it untill Thursday this week. It goes well. I still have the idea there are people who consider me a mindless idiot with my money. The same people who adress me as a worthless slut with no brains, being a Barbie and a whore. They are the shamefull ones in this case, not me. Still it's hard and unfair having the idea I have to fight against an image that was never true. 

Sometimes the best ideas in life come to you for free. A caretaker had some cookbooks for me since she heard I collect cookbooks. Among those was a soup cookbook with a few excellent ideas for Wednesday Soup. I made it a plan for almost four weeks and immediately gave them four grocery lists for four weeks off Wednesday Soup. 

Yesterday evening went by bad. I had an attack and I felt bad in my head. I still feel that scratch in my head. It's as if something scratched and I always think it's jealouse women with dark magic who do so so it feels like a nasty cat's scratch in my brain. It started some time before dinner. It hurts and it made me even have a dangerous thought. I called the care office and they came for a talk. I still have that feeling in my head. It's not easy at this moment. I think they are evil about flour being back on the shelves and me being able to bake again. It's what makes them so nasty this time. (Wicca and modern paganism are not ment to that if you read their guidelines. But it's only human to misuse magic and do bad with it. I don't think they're all as pure and good as they like you to believe.) Someone hates me to be able to bake again. And they're jealouse off my profile picture on Facebook. (They're always jealouse. It's a bad trait. All that jealousy truly makes them evil somehow.)

This afternoon is for tea and a little rest inside my home. Outside the renovation takes place and it's a construction workspace. There isn't much rest with all that noise going on but it's good to have a break from de Boed every often 'cause being there all the time is a bit much. Tea from the shelves. Clipper green tea. Tea is a good idea. It's also a good idea to take a shower this evening with all that cold rain going on outside. (I can recommend my readers to use a good smelling showergel and pamper themselves tonight with a warm shower.) 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.            

Good afternoon at the 22th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today started off bright, but there are clouds which cover the sun all the time. It was promised to be warm, but it's not. 

*

Day 7 off Non-Spend-Month goes well, and that makes it a week. Like I said, I would do well on it and still do. I could do my business this morning without spending money. Having breakfast, going to the medication office, then decided I was too tired for de Boed and then went home. Rested a bit, took a shower and made some tea then had lunch. They're all simple tasks for a Sunday morning where I have no obligations. But this day doesn't need any more than that. I need my rest. 

I have only allowed myself two bags off fresh nuts this week as a snack. Yesterday evening I had a nut and raisin mix as an afternoon snack with a funny TV show. (The first I pigged in on Tuesday when I had a craving for those cashews. Salted. But I have made it with just this and no other snacks.) That's how I've been spending Saturday Night. Just nuts and a TV-show. No dime spend too much on those nuts if you ask me.  I have only spend a bit off money on a hairdresser and presents for my brother. The hairdresser could count as a luxury but it felt so needed and I'm still gratefull I spend that 10 euro's on her this Tuesday. It feels nice to have my hair cut for summer. 

Let's take it to week 2. I only have to charge my travelling card next week as a spending extra. I don't have other plans with my money than going to mom this Ascension weekend. I'm doing fine spending little money. It's going to be a real challenge to truly safe money with groceries to have become so expensive. I told mom about No-Spend-Month, so I think she will help me once I'm there not spending. But that's not hard since I never do so. I only spend money on ice cream sometimes when I arrive in Castricum (They have a good ice cream shop I pass by.) This time I won't. 

It may sound simple what I do. Tea from the shelves, Not buying nailpolish, not buying ice cream, it doesn't sound like a big deal when you see the overal picture. But these are the things that make my day. I don't spend a lot in general. Usually I'm taking it sober but this month it's extra sober to restore my pay account after spending a lot last weekend. I want a buffer to be certain I come round each week. Or maybe these are the times to be sober. And I can't build up a buffer. Since everything has become expensive. And I'm just taking it with common sense to overcome this period to begin with. I hope it's the first but I'm afraid it's the last. 

Let's simply be glad I could wash my hair this morning. I'm fresh and clean and I have Thé Vert behind my ears, and almost two pots off green tea in my stomach. I'm clean and I smell good. My hair is cut and my nails (hand and foot) are clean and groomed. 

Maybe I even loose weight because off having to take it sober. I simply can't afford expensive snacks and candy. (I can live with it) and no cakes each weekend because there's no flour on the shelves. It's a plus when you're as fat as me. (It's hard to be a bit hungry. But I can eat and drink my standard meals each day.) A bad thing is that I can't afford fresh fruits anymore. That's a bad thing but I can't also afford fattening junk or sweet foods these days. Given how fat I am, that could be good. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

       

Good evening at the 21st off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

This morning went by sunny, then we had a period off clouds without rain and now it's all bright and sunny outside. 

*

Day 6 off No-Spend-Month went by well. I haven't spend money today and yet it was a good day. I had my coffee in the morning sun untill lunchtime at de Boed and then went back home watching TV, having two pots off green tea (From a package I still had left in my cupboard) 

Unfortunately it's off the shelve off my regulair supermarket. I love drinking it so I had luck still having two boxes off it in my cupboard. I allowed myself two teapots off it this afternoon. (I can recommend you to try it if you have the luck to find a box off it at your supermarket. It's good tea) 

I was enjoying the calmth off my home by myself. I needed that break from de Boed to get a little energy. I'm going to take a break from it again tomorrow. Just a little me-time. It's a good thing to still have fun without money. All I needed this afternoon was my TV untill my head got full. I loved watching a Star Wars cartoon on Disney XD. I love sciencefiction and outer space science recently. It's a cool thing to be a bit off an enthousiastic geek about it though it's still in a moderate stadium. (I discovered recently I love it. I have a lot to watch when it comes to that.) I don't get only half off outer space science, but it's so awesome to watch. I wish for humans to discover life on other planets. That would be ultimately awesome. (And that outerspace gear is freakishly cool) I still have to start my journey in it- so I still don't know much about it except that I like it. Aliens are a cool thing. 

So, without money I discovered a whole new field off interest. I just have to upgrade my gear when it comes to that. Meaning a better TV, a Disney+ subscription and a better computer to watch all that stuf. You can get Discovery channel items on Disney+ too, so watching that would be too awesome. I'm just afraid that I can't afford. I'm spacing it when it comes to that. I have been economical with my technology for a long time and I was content with that. It's like falling in love and then deciding you want to upgrade yourself for that new crush. It's not a common sense thing to do (I didn't even take action when I really was in love. I just let it pass because I knew I'm not suitable for it). And we all know you'd better be loved back for who and what you are. But still we can't help wishing to improve ourselves for that crush. When it comes to it, this is a bit diffrent than being in love since I know it will work out once I have a new TV, a Disney+ subscription and a better working computer. With a crush it's still a guess if you have spend a ton off money on yourself to impress them. Still, I don't have the money to be suitable for Star Wars and outerspace science. I have to do it with what I got and that's a pity. I shouldn't loose my head too easily but it's an escape for daily life to be into it so it seems to me. It's fun for now. 

I saw something cool on TV to be a present for my other brother's birthday (I have two brothers) But that's in october and pretty far off for now. It's something he would absolutely love, probably. It's Minecraft lego. He's a lego fan and a Minecraft player. I think he will love me for it. And he doesn't read this weblog. (I'm sure about it.) The brother who has his birthday at June 19, will get a rolling pin, a pound cake pan and a springform so he can bake at his new home. (I know he doesn't read this either.) I hope they are not planning to read my blog soon. But thanks to them not being interested in what I do on the internet I can share with my readers what I will give them. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good evening at the 20th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today started with coffee in the sun, but it became rainy for the rest off the day and now we're stuck with rain. 

*

The renovation is finished in my home and it became a big improvement compared to the old situation. I'm happy with it. I'm also happy for not having to get out so early anymore and having space to distance myself from de Boed when I feel it's too much. I need that a lot. And let's be honest, getting out at 6.00 AM every day isn't fine with most people. I'm so glad I can skip to 7.00 AM if I wish to. (It's what I'm going to do next week.) I'm so glad the renovation gave more fresh air and light. As I need that to breathe. It works to improve my mood so it also helps fighting depression and other mental conditions. (Good job, living organisation) 

Day 5 off No-Spend-Month went well. I haven't spend money today. I have been in the sun this morning and after lunch we (A caretaker and me) had a job placing back furniture and cleaning the house. It's not clean yet, but it's such a happy home already at this moment and I bet it will do well for me in winter to have these larger windows. 

The mental health care office with my official nurse called this afternoon and I had so much good news for her. I sleep better, I feel less depressed and it feels as if I've lost weight. I think I can thank all off it to the medication switch. It does well to me. We can evaluate something good. 

My personal care taker is proud off me. I have taken on this course on mental education in winter and switched my medication succesfully a few months ago. She asked me what I would like to do next but I had no answer for her yet about that. (Despite knowing what mental problems are, I still can't help thinking it's black magic sometimes.) I honestly don't know what step to take next in my personal development. Saving money and trying to get rid off winterblues with vitamin pills. (Feeling more energetic most off the time. Not only in winter) Those are personal steps. I do feel better when I take my vitamins. Less drained from energy so I suppose it makes them a necessity. (I can't explain to you if you don't know the feeling, but I'm so often so tired and low on energy. Vitamins do miracles for that) 

I have been mourning this winter (Untill recent. I'm not mourning a lot anymore) over my death family and my past and it aired up incredibly. So that's also a big step forward. Maybe I should see a psychologist or talk more to care takers about it. By now I have the feeling I would make my dad happier if I would start to live and do fun things with life instead off crying all the time. In honour to him. I'm not easy in letting it go when it comes to having fun. But baking cakes and sharing them with people at de Boed is almost my best idea off having fun. I'm not a dancer or lighthearted when it comes to it, (In the past I felt lighter than nowadays. But life hasn't been easy and my heart reacted to that.) and I'm still a bit gloomy in my moods. But those small things are fine with me and serve me right. I also allow myself to still cry when I need it and take my moments when the mourning comes back. (I don't know if that happens soon, or within a few years, but it could be.) But for now I wish to seek out what makes me truly happy and do more off that. 

Sometimes it's advised to mental people to 'Only do what makes you happy.' And go for it. (As long as it doesn't harm others.) Find out what you love to do and only do that in life. No more stress about bad things. It sounds good but I have to get to know myself more in that field. It's on doctor's orders. So it's probably a must. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.         

A bit off a slip

 Good evening everyone, 

It's a bright blue evening. The perfect ending off a nasty day when it comes to weather. 

*

This evening I made that one exception I allowed myself for my money: My brother's birthday presents. His birthday will be at the 19th off June, and he wanted practical items since he is about to live on himself soon and moves out off my mom's house. I bought him nice items and wrapping paper. (I won't reveal what I bought yet. You never know with that idiot but it could turn out he'd read this weblog after all) I just had to purchase 4 rolls off wrapping paper before the site allowed me to order it. It's not necessairily but I did because otherwise I had to pay shipping costs. (I hate shipping costs. Usually I order enough so I won't have to pay that.) Let's say I won't be short on wrapping paper soon. (I think most people who get a present won't mind.) I had to pay some costs for all off that but these presents where a necessity. I'm going to take it sober for the rest off the period. I simply have to if I want to afford my (usual) costs. It's not a bad thing to be frugal this summer. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

An image off my soup

 

Good evening everyone, 

Here we have a picture off my mustard soup, I took this picture at lunchtime. (de Boed doesn't has fancy dishes. It's all a bit sober when it comes to that.) My mustard soup was rated perfectly and the entire pot off soup got empty this week. It was a succes. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 19th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was code yellow for thunderstorms in the Netherlands. At some points, I believe that was legid. It was stormy, cold and rainy with thunder and it's still cloudy yet warm. 

*

The 4th day off Non-Spend-Month went well either. I have been taking notes at the client counsil to de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. (I'm the note taker to their meetings. I got to work them out this weekend.) We had a left over off my mustard soup and this afternoon I made the appointment to help a trainee out with a project she has to do for school. (I know what it's like to be a trainee. I like helping them out with their projects) And I have been enjoying apricot jam for lunch. All off this without spending a coin on extra's. It's going well. Like I said it would. Apricot jam probably lends itself well for thumbprint cookies. But that's for when flour is back on shelves in the supermarkets. 

This evening will be for a pot off fancy detox tea by Clipper. 

 

 That tea I bought when my standard tea wasn't on the shelves anymore. It tastes great and it's healthy. I love it. To detox is good for people. Tea works for that. 

This afternoon I had an hour for myself when the construction workers where off. There's still protective plastic on my floor and I suspect them to have to be here tomorrow again. That makes it a week longer than promised to finish my home. I had to get out extremely early this week to get out off here before they arrived. It's been a hard week but it's been a good and productive week. Despite construction taking care off my home. I have done a lot. I just hope they will be finished before the weekend. 

I just don't have the willpower to bring up more than the above. 

So,- 

That's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 18th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been warm, and cloudy. It´s said to have been the warmest 18th off May ever measured. 

*

I haven't been warm, I have been in the sun for about half an hour before lunchtime and then I was inside at de Boed all the time. 

The ending off the renovation is delayed. They said it would have been finished today while they're still at it. Almost a week longer than promised. I hate it. I have to get up very early each morning to be ahead to the construction workers and go to de Boed to have my rest. I barely can take it anymore since I'm a mental patient who can't handle these kind off things (No points off rest during the day) very well. 

This morning has been for my Zaanish mustard soup. It was quite a succes and I think mine is better than de Zaanse Schans since I have salmon in it. I had fun making it this morning for Wednesday Soup. I had the energy to do so. Luckily. (For me and my fellow clients who eat their lunch there) my soup is always appreciated. Then again, we had new eaters and one said my soup deserved 5 stars. (I harvest compliments when I make it. I love it.) the other one (A care taker) loved it aswell. I also serve care takers my excellent soup. It's never a good thing to walk beside your shoes but I know I'm good with what I do. I got compliments all the time. It's a high point every week.  

I feel so tired. I wasn't happy when I came home to mention they are still on my appartment. They promised otherwise. At first they said it would have been last thursday, this week they promised it'd be finished today but none off it came true. I've heard it's common for construction to be delayed. I bale and it's hard. My stomach hurts from it.  

Non-Spending-Month day 3 went well. I haven't spend money today on unnecessairy goods. I just have been making soup and be stressed and tired at de Boed today. I'm not planning on spending money tomorrow. I have the luck de Boed honours a request I had for dinner and will make spaghetti with meatballs for us next week. (I felt like eating that. I think I did good with that request and looking up a receipe for them.) I don't have to spend a lot off money on it and de Boed has a payment system with me. (I pay for my meals there. But not from my on-hand pay account.) And it's not unnecessairy. The rest off next week will be quite boring with potatoes, meat and vegetables like we eat very often. It's not something to be jealouse off they cook for me each night! But it's wholesome and it saves my mind from troubles. I have to take it untill Ascension Day. That day I will be off to my family for a long weekend. 

Not spending money is quite easy for me. I think I will make it the entire week without spending. I'm going to be proud off myself if I make it this entire month. (and summer, as planned. But let's see for a month first.) Sunseed oil is back on the shelves in the supermarket, but for twice as much as how it was, for example. Things are still insanely expensive these days. It's no big deal to be frugal. I still got a lot off stuff on hand. 

I hope for the day where flour will be back on the shelves again and I can bake easy going sand cookies again. Sometimes making these are the thing my mind wishes to do. It's easy and they are fun to stick out with cutters. But no flour on the shelves makes them impossible to bake. I still have a bit off flour but it's too little for a cookie project where my working space has to be floured all the time to cut them out. This whole crisis is unfair.  There's supposed to be nothing pretentious about my sand cookies, but flour not being for sale makes them almost like diamonds to obtain. It's best to enjoy baking them a lot again once it is. (I hope for better days to come and this crisis to end, after all.) 

Allright, that's about it for now-

Thank you for reading.         

Good evening at the 17th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy yet warm. The weather was changing a lot. 

*

This morning started by serving the early morning crowd their coffee at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. It was the second time this week I was asked to help them since they where spare in staff this early morning. It was good to do it, but near the end, 10 minutes before the end off coffee time, it became too much and I had to sit and take a rest. (Right before the last crowd entered and I actually should have been on my feet for a lot off people. It was just a bit too much for me) I had been on my feet ever since 8.00 AM at de Boed thanks to the renovation, untill 10.20. (Coffee time stops at 10.30) I was drained and exhausted and just couldn't take it anymore. I'm still a psychiatric patient who has to get out and get ready at 6.00 before the renovation workers arrive, so two days serving morning coffee took me something. 

Tomorrow will be my last shift in de Boed's kitchen when I'm about to make our lunchcrowd one off my famous soups. (They're good enough to make a statement about it, so they're not as  world famous as de Zaanse Schans' soup, but they should be.😋😉) I'm going to start the thing around 10.00 AM or 9.30 AM (Two weeks ago I started that early and I have been cutting a Moroccan Harirra almost myself entirely. It needed that time for all those veggies. What I'm about to make now is much easier but therefore not less delicious.) I just hope I'm not too tired tomorrow morning to make soup. I'm not used to work anymore. Daily shifts are too hard for me, unfortunately. If anything in the world as a late teen, early twentier I wanted a succesfull job and a good career. Life has been diffrent and it shows when I try these kind off things. I believe I have to sell 'no.' for an answer if de Boed asks me thursday or friday to be the coffee lady. I just. can't. But I made it two days in a row that early in the morning (Tomorrow will be the last working day) and I did something good with my time instead off just staring in front off me out off boredom. 

A cool thing this morning is that a few Leviaan managers from the head office had a small meeting in our activity room and I have been serving them coffee aswell. Socializing? smooching? I believe I got myself in a positive light with them. They are nice people and they appreciated my coffee. It's been a cool thing to do this morning. 

After coffee I had my hair cut and my face groomed. I took some make-up with me and she dolled up my eyes with black eye pencil and mascara for me. Everything alltogheter was 10 euro's only and it's the only 'splurge.' for this first week off No-Spend-Month. Aside from a cheap hairdresser, it goes well. I have been quite sober this first three days. So to say, not strictly sober but I haven't been spending big at the beginning off this challenge. I still believe I can make it. I believe I got my new, fresh haircut just in time for summer. I think it's a good thing to be trimmed off off my warm winter fur today. I haven't been to a hairdresser ever since a short time before christmas. Strictly seen it's not a necessity, but you'd almost think so in my case. I like my hair this way. It feels so nice and light at the back off my head and it looks pretty. It's a good look for summer. 

After my haircut and lunch (I found a new favourite at lunch: Apricot jam.) I have been trying to rest at de Boed's hallway where they have comfortable seats near the front door. It's not the best place to have a rest, but it's seperated from most things though it's still crowded as everyone passes it by. But I had to. I couldn't go home to construction noise and workers working on my windowframe, so I had to take it at that place but it wasn't much off a good idea. I had the idea someone evil wanted to spell me and do harm to me after a while hanging around there. (they always want to get you at your weakest. They never try this anymore when the house is all pulled togheter and I'm at my best.) I had a hard time fighting off that voice but I explained to a caretaker I wasn't feeling well anymore and she took me to the public room at the living room area and gave me a glass off water. I was tired at that point and it felt impossible for me to take on the rest off the day but I did it. I made it through dinner time and went home (The construction workers where gone this evening) It has been a hard day.  I hope I will get some sleep tonight and be able to give it my best again tomorrow. They promised me they would be finished tomorrow. It's been a hard first half off the week and then we have to shove back furniture after they're done here. I hope I will survive this. 

Wish me luck. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 16th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy with a small rainshower, I believe it's called Humid in English. It wasn't cold but it wasn't bright. 

*

Today was for Monday Grocery Shopping, and for getting out very early due to renovation. I have been up from 6.00 AM on. I have made myself usefull this morning by providing de Boed's coffee moment. I have been the coffee lady and I offered them to do so more often in the morning if they have space for that. Also after the renovation is done and the appartment complex is back to normal. I might hate myself in winter for this, but as long as this takes place and I have time and willpower in the morning- It's fine with me. My thoughts about it while being at it: What's a more gratefull job than serving people coffee on monday morning? I have a volunteer assignment again if they have a spot for me. I have been unemployed since previous year, but it's getting to a diffrent point in my life and (small) careerpath with this. I love serving people coffee and being the coffee lady. I won't be payed for it, but it's a daytime (Morning) fullfillment and I make myself usefull. I love that too. It feels good to work. 

Grocery shopping was quite a downer today. My No-Spend-Month challenge might be a necessity since I barely had money for my basic needs today. I managed to buy everything, but it's all become insanely expensive and it's probably a need rather than a luxury to be frugal this month. I'm sorry to say, but there is barely space for extra's. So far, day two off this challenge went well. I haven't spend money on anything extra except for two small bags off fresh nuts at grocery shopping. (But those are basic supplies and strictly seen they fall under the rules) And no tea was bought. I will drink a pot off Matcha Lime again tonight. 

My cousin has send me a card which I received this weekend. If I wish to stick to the rules I have to see what postcards I still have on the shelve for her with a poststamp I still have somewhere. I can't go overboard and buy her an expensive card but I have so much stuff still on stock, I think I have something fun to send her in my card drawer. (edit: I found a card that suits her) It saves money for now. My cousin and me are old fashioned post card senders and we love it. 

In my system, you have to spend first to be capable to be sober later on. Restore your money and then buy a stock again. Usually it works. I have stocks and stocks off items I think I better use in this time off being, where everything has become insanely expensive. It's handy to be a hoarder, for periods off time like this. (I don't know what to do after this. Next month I will probably re-charge some stock to keep this system working) I think our economic crisis won't be over in a year, or even in two years. It's better to have something to fall back on when the system fails. I don't know how about you, but I want to make it through this. I want to overcome the crisis and live beyond it. (I never knew hoarding would ever come in handy. But nowadays it simply does.) I think I will with my system off purchasing items for cheap. 

I simply hate the crisis. I can't stop thinking about what it does to poor people. I feel such pity with them but like my mom says: 'They won't be helped with that.' It's best to try to make something out off life despite that. My thoughts do get stuck on it, however and I can feel so upset about it. It's part off hating unfairness. Life is already hard to begin with and now the groceries, gas and warmth are getting too expensive for poor people. What's not to hate about that? Poverty is not something to be made fun about. I know too well not to know. I got upset about it while writing you this. I think I won't easily forget about this time in a bad way. It's something I'll probably remember when I'm old. I hate it. I believe there should be enough off everything for everyone. I can't stand it bread and grain getting through the roof when it comes to prices. I can live myself, but the other people... I feel so much pity with the other people. 

Let's keep myself focused. Keeping my mind clear is not possible since I'm mental, but let's keep on being focused on my challenge. It's only monday, day 2. Tomorrow will be for spending a small amount on a hairdresser. It's an extra but it's the only thing extra for myself for this month. And the Leviaan beautyspecialist is not expensive. She cuts and grooms for reduced prices for mental people like me on governmental wages on a volunteer base. I will look fresh again tomorrow. I'm somewhat looking forward to it. After that I'm supposed not to spend a dime on extra's. My family invited me for the Ascension weekend. I will go there but I think I have to charge my traveling card. I also consider travelling money a necessity. (I don't own a car. I have to go there by bus or train) As long as I keep that journey moderate, I think It can pass. My ending date for No-Spend-Month will be the 15th off June. I started it yesterday instead off at the 1st off this month. I might pull it a little further untill the end off June if I feel allright with it. Or even untill the mid off July. A no-bake summer and a no-spend summer. I think nobody will be harmed by it and I will benefit from it after all. So I think it won't be a problem. 

Nobody has money nowadays so others won't look strange to me about it. It's a good thing. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

       

Good evening at the 15th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright, clear, warm and sunny. It was a perfect sunday. 

*

This month, I decided to try a No-spend-month challenge. For one month, I will only spend money on basic needs and I'm going to try not to spend more than that. I believe I can get to a realistic end with that since I have shelves and closets filled with stuff. I should try finishing products before buying new multipacks to be sure to 'Have it on stock.' I have a shelve loaded with products, from showergel to washing liquid, I have a lot off it. Not spending money for a month on that would do good for me. 

As far as that goes, today was the first day and it went well. I have two exceptions for this month I'm allowed to spend a bit off money on, but other than that I'm going to try it frugal to try to build up a buffer on my pay account. The first day off No-Spend-Month went well. I haven't spend a dime but I need to be honest with you that the day ahead to it was quite expensive, so that's where the urge to take it sober comes from for the next month. Not spending money on extra's is not going to be hard. Usually I take it economical in life and such a challenge almost feels like a joke I can take lightly. I'm a Dutch woman, after all. I'm going to make it with what I have and I'm sure off it. 

I could keep track off the No-Spend-Month challenge on this weblog for you. And I could explain my little exceptions to the rule off only basics. I could upload pictures off my loaded cupboards, and explain to you why I could do a month without buying new packages off tea. It's almost as if I have been hoarding it, and I have been hoarding almost a private drugstore on drugstore items. But I think these would be a bit painfull for those off you who have nothing. And for those off you for who 'frugal.' isn't a joke but a painfull necessity. I think I better don't show it. But let me tell you: I have a lot off stuff I can come round with untill next month so to say. So let's try it. 

This evening was for Matcha Lemon Tea from a package by Yogi Dreams from a package I purchased two weeks ago. My nails are painted with Seagrass by HEMA's. Bought at that same shopping trip.

(Done so yesterday, but the effort is supposed to last for an entire week) Today has been for sunbathing and coffee at de Boed and only calling an aunt for her birthday. (Yesterday I have send her a birthday bouquet off flowers so it's almost taken care off.) We will meet up for coffee to celebrate it but that won't be this month since she's buisy. Doing so didn't cost me a dime from my pay account. (Sending her flowers did, but that was yesterday) 

Tomorrow will be for Monday Grocery Shopping. I made a list off items I wish to stick to and not buying too much extra given how expensive everything has become recently. (Still I think I can have fun with what I have and what's already on my shelves this week.) 

I eat two off my meals (lunch and dinner) at de Boed (for a small payment, but usually they take care off that without me having to use my pay account. I would rob myself off money if I wouldn't eat there, however.) so that's not off my concern this month. (Most off the time it's quite sober what we eat, so it's not something to be jealouse off) 

I have one exception on Tuesday this week. I made the appointment for the Leviaan hairdresser about a month ago and she's always buisy so I have to go to the small hairsalon to get a beauty treatment. I can't call her off for this challenge. But it's the only thing I allow myself this month for myself. I barely go to their salon and barely have my hair cut in a year. It's not a necessity, but it's allright with me.  

My personal goal with this No-Spend-Month challenge is to grow a personal buffer on my pay account. About 130 euro's for this month. And if I'm content, I will make it take place more often. It comes in handy in these expensive times to live like that. I still have vitamin pills on stock for example, so I'm going to make it without trouble. I'm sure off it. 

Allright, that's about it- Tomorrow I have to get out at 6.00 to be ahead to the construction workers who will finish my home. 

Wish me luck with everything, 

Thank you for reading.         

Good evening at the 13th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

The weather was bright, sunny and not too warm. Actually I think it was a perfect day for a day in May. 

*

I went home today to find myself in a bit off annoyment. The renovation isn't finished yet and my bedroom is still under construction. I guess I have to get out extremely early this monday to join the early morning coffee crowd at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. Somtimes I think I always have the worst off luck when it comes to this. But given it's worthit the mess (They finished my livingroom. It looks nice and less depressing than the old situation) I simply have to take it this monday. 

I assumed they had it finished last thursday. That's what they claimed in their planning but I heard it's common in construction to be delayed. That happens all the time. Fingers crossed it's worthit everything. 

I had a great time at my parental home this week. But I became a bit unstable and that's the reason I live here. I can't go back with my mom, no matter how much I want that sometimes to escape all off this. Protected living is hard. A less depressing living room does well for it. I'm not depressed anymore like I was when having Seroquelle, but I'm still a bit down about this sometimes. (My life could have been diffrent and much better if I was not a mental health care patient.) Mentioning getting irresponsible and unstable at mom's is also understanding why I have to take this. It's not over nothing, unfortunately. And maybe I like my own space and living on myself. I finally feel it's good to have a home off my own. I'm getting used to my home after a few years. I think that's something good. 

I have been living here for a longer time than on any off my old protected living adresses. I wish to stay here as long as I want and need it. Not being insecure about that. Moving around is bad for mental people. It's the most stressing thing that can happen and it has it's consequences on mental health. Therefore it's dangerous for the mental to do so. (Still it happens a lot in protected living, people moving from one location to another) I think it'd be too much for me to take if I had to move somewhere else soon. I need my calmth and peace at this place for a very long time. I benefit from stability. I only need to get used to our new windowframes. But I think it's something good. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 12th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was perfect weather. The sky was clear and the sun was out.

*

I have been in our backyard in the sun all day, doing practically nothing. I was a bit stupid last evening for forgetting my medication. I feel bad physically and mentally today. I took my morning pills and by evening I really start to feel I forgot them last night. Luckily I had the opportunity to be lazy all day and doing nothing. So it wasn't much off a dangerous thing in my mom's backyard with all our cats surrounding me and just being a bit social with the family. Not much obligations today. I feel like I have been on a vacation this week and I'm going to miss being here when I'm back at home. 

Hector the ladybug protests against my baking break. He got a bit annoyed by it and would like me to keep on softening edges for people. I would like to move closer to his point off vieuw, but there is barely any flour available in stores and groceries have become insanely expensive. I'm sorry Hector. I just can't be an angel to people with it as much as I'd like to. Soon I have to finish an obtained bag off almond flour, so I will bake something short before my official break for de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. But I can´t bake the stars from heaven when the crisis is like this. 

I feel brake for not to have taken my meds last night. Sometimes when I'm here, that happens. When I'm not supervised with it, I slack like I do with most things. Luckily it's just a few minutes before taking my next dose and hopefully I will feel well again. I called the care-taker office about it and they said not to take it in the morning and sit out my day since I would be overdrugged if I´d do that. (If you forget a dose, you´d better not catch up with it on your next dose. That´s not responsible medicine intake) 

Tomorrow I´ll head back home and I hope the renovation made sense and made my small appartment look better. I hope it was worthit everything. Next week they will take on other homes in my building so I    won´t be relieved off noise soon. I have to take it for a while. It´s hard. I have to get up early and that´s exhausting. While being here, I took my usuall get up time and that´s not late to begin with. I have to get up every day at 8.00 AM to be sure to get in time at the medication office and have breakfast ahead to that. (With these meds, I have to eat before taking them) During the renovation, it´s 6.30 every week day. I hate it. But I do well at de Boed in the morning since I feel I can be off use in the morning serving the very early and annoyed crowd some coffee when staff is too buisy. (I have done so twice last week. It´s appreciated. You won´t believe how crowded de Boed already is at 9.00 AM.) 

I do a bit better in getting up early than I would do in winter, before morning medication when my system felt life would begin after 11.00 AM. Now I´m somewhat used to morning medication, getting up isn´t such a crime anymore but still- Hard. Thank you early morning crowd for giving me a purpose each morning. It works two ways, They help me while I help them. 

Allright, that´s about it - 

Thank you for reading.    

Good afternoon at the 10th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today was forecasted as a warm day, but it's cold and grey instead. It's not as bright as they'd predicted. 

*

Warning: this blog might be about general and boring things. 

Today was a life in the day off an ordinairy person. No Boed, just a life with my family on an ordinairy week day without healthcare, (Except for medication in the morning) other than that, I don't have such days often. 

It was for excellent coffee, a friend off mom coming over for coffee this morning and during early afternoon I made some apple-cookie spices muffins for our coffee moment this evening to keep me occupied today. 

I decided on to bring a muffin pan and some muffin/cupcake papers here and bake my family something. 

They are not pretty, but like said before: I'm not a professional baker and I don't mold things well. I bring them to perfect taste but I could do better in modelling and making stuff look pretty. I hope these babies will taste nice this evening with our tea and coffee. (Today I'm an ordinairy woman who baked her family some muffins) They smell divine according to mom and that promises something. I do well from my week off from de Boed. I better don't get used to this as I need my healthcare. But being ordinairy is fun sometimes.

It's probably a good thing for it being cloudy and a bit grey today as that is better weather for apple-cookie spices flavour in my opinion. They wouldn't have suited a warm and bright day. It's not autumnly cold, but the weather does it's best to suit my muffins today. My brother probably loves them. (And the rest off the family. And that is what we aim for today) 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

An image I'd like to share with you this evening.

 

Good afternoon at the 7th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cold and cloudy and there is a promise off rain and even thunderstorms in the air. 

*

The renovation starts on Monday. I'll have to get one hell off early out off bed that day and get ready early before they arrive. I'm tired already from having to get up early because off renovation noise. 

Can you imagine, they have to do the entire appartment complex with several mental people living here. I suppose not everyone will get out off this without issues. I made an appointment with my mom on staying there untill it's all done so next week there won't be Wednesday Soup at de Boed. 

What I also decided, instead off baking all the time, is to get a summer stop on baking. It's because supplies are getting too expensive. I still got a lot on my shelve but there is no flour anymore in stores and groceries are getting insanely expensive in this country. Aside to that, I don't like being in the kitchen when the weather is hot and people love bakings more when it's Autumn so I re-start baking after summer. My summer stop will be from June 21 untill September 21. Except for my birthday at August 5. Then I will make de Boed a treat but untill then I take a break. It's not a bad thing as it could also do good for me personally to take a break from it. That way I hopefully enjoy it again when I'm at it again. 

I still make soup for them each Wednesday so they don't have to entirely miss out on my cooking. It's hard. These days are hard. But it's necesairily. It's unfair, but I have to. Luckily people understood. Everyone has issues with groceries getting more expensive. If I can't take it anymore I can always do something small, but I can't make them something every weekend anymore like I tried to for a while. 

It was my mission to soften sharp edges but I have to deal with them myself these days. Life is already hard enough for mental people when there is no crisis. Or renovation. My house is one big mess. It will be solved after they're done here, but it's surviving untill then. I'm so tired, I'm so tired... I'm tired and out off energy easily. This whole process takes its toll. It's best to keep in mind it will be better after it's done. But that's not easy right now. 

I hope this crisis won't last forever. Everything passes. Like that insightfull sentence: 'This too, shall pass.' Like everything that happens. It's not easy. But hopefully we can believe in that. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 5th off May, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was almost entirely cloudy untill just near the end, where the sun showed up. 

*

My cakes where one big succes and where well received by the audience to de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. A thought that got through my head while we had it: at least I can make them enjoy a slice off cake from time to time, and that is worthit something. I got quite positive in that state off mind about it instead off sarcastic and that's a better spirit than downgrading myself. 

The renovation already got a delay. The windowframes that will replace the old ones are not suitable since they are too small. They found out yesterday and have to order completely new windowframes to do the job. Though they already started in my small flat by cleaning out an air vent space in the kitchen so they could get to that space and laying white plastic floor covers on my floor for some reason, and by removing my central heating from the walls. (That will be replaced, too). It's quite something. 

Due to the delay my Mother's day will be a week later since I made an agreement with my family on staying there as long as the renovation in my own home took place and Leviaan would take care off everything. Going there twice next week is not handy for me. (It's what feels best with them. So it was fine with me) I have to cope a whole weekend with a house that's one chaos, a delayed mother's day, and care staff being spare. Oh, and no central heating so it will probably be cold. Internet was down at the beginning off this evening but that was due to the network and it's helped. A weekend without internet would have been even more off a disaster to me. I need the internet. 

It's been buisy this week, but I feel the thrill off more energy. That's probably due to vitamins. It's been a good idea to take them after all. They needed a bit more time to work in. I feel better capable to stand situations which otherwise would drain me from a lot off energy.

For example, I have been the coffee lady this morning to the early crowd who got out off bed due to renovation noise. They asked me to help since they where buisy and I managed quite well without having no energy to serve everyone their coffee. It's something that early in the morning since I hate getting up early. It was quite something for a buisy thursday morning. I have been at de Boed all day without breaks but I got all kinds off good compliments about myself over soup that was left over from yesterday, singing for them during music and then my scrumptious cake. I shouldn't feel so down about myself. If I keep on doing my best every day like that I'm a (very) good person and that should define my own thoughts about myself. I still have this feeling off shame and guilt about a few years ago where I should make up for it in life somehow. (Not to those who where involved back then, but with life in general. I have a dirty secret nobody here knows about) I do my utmost best to be a good person again and I work hard for it. When will I see it's enough? It's fun though, but I shouldn't let feeling secure being bothered by the past if I keep doing the way I do nowadays. I'm on the good path. It's good to have been given a fair chance to proove myself to new people. It wouldn't have been possible with people who already thought so incredibly lame about me I couldn't do good in their eyes anymore. I deserve a fair chance to proove myself. I'm not done with it yet as I sense it, but I'm doing good so I'm a good person again. 

Nevertless, doing good feels good. And there are no itches between me and other people here. I think I can keep up with this for a long time as long as the good energy keeps coming. Compliments, people loving my soup and bakings, (Their enjoying is my biggest reward) a reputation to be proud off and feeling better about myself than before all off this. I deserve it. And I need it. I think this won't do bad to them or me, so it's not a bad thing doing all off this. 

Back then, the road to hell was paved with good intentions. Nowadays, my intentions seem to work and if it turns out there is one almighty patriarchal god up there, I think he will forgive me for being otherly spiritual if I keep on doing what I do in life. A thought I have sometimes: I think god will forgive me for being pagan if he excists since I'm a pure person when it comes to christian terms. I think purity is a theme in most main religions. Buddhism, the one philosophy I love most, also believes in it but with them it's such a remarkable art, I think I could master that better. (Buddhism makes my soul the most happy off all wisdoms and religions out there, and eastern philosophy does so well for my soul it connects.) Purity is something good. I think we should be free to live, but not to all limits and borders off humanity. Because it's possible doesn't mean it has to be done. Crime is crime and to be honest, being too pure isn't a good thing either since people are human. But a bit off universal goodness is never a bad thing. More people should try it. I think it can be a blessing for the earth if we where all beings with purity in our hearts, good intentions and actions that are helpfull to our community. But that's my opinion. 

I should get off my pink cloud since it's 2022 and people are batshit crazy when it comes to it. Because I think it should be like that, doesn't mean I believe it actually is like that, unfortunately. I've learned to know mankind better over the years. Not everyone wishes to walk a good path. I do. I try it every day and it works well for me. 

I gained energy from all off it today. So doing good causes something in humans. It does so well to me and it's the best I can do during the week. It's good for me and it feels so rewarding in my mental system to do this. I'm not ready to quit as it's better than a daytime job to my heart and soul. I can't explain to sarcastic people who turn down things like this. But that's their problem. Not mine. 

The cake and the soup where good, I sang all stars from heaven and people where content with me being the coffee lady this morning. I did all off this without getting exhausted and that should make it to the news somehow. 

Allright, that's about it for now - 

Thank you for reading. 

       

Good afternoon at the 4th off May, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today the weather is changing sunny periods with clouds. 

*

I made Morrocan Harirra for Wednesday Soup today. People just loved it, except for some picky eaters who are never compete with anything they got served but I shouldn't mind them. 

It was a splendorous, healthy, tasty and complimented soup and I loved making it. The richness off this soup made me forget the crisis for a while. I did well on serving people so much vegetables and spices. I love it when a soup turns out like that. Everyone who had it had a bowl filled with vegetables during this lunch.  

This week is wrecking. I have to get up at 6.30 each morning to get ready before the renovation takes place. There is a lot off construction noise around this week. My house is a chaos because we had to move stuff away from the windows for tomorrow. I was glad I could work on Morrocan Harirra at de Boed this morning because I got there very early. During the renovation they're open more early for us. I had something to do this morning and it helped to set my mind off off things instead off waiting for so many hours to overcome the day. My assistant vegetable cutter had to go to the dentist this morning so I had a lot to do for this soup. (I'm not secure at vegetable cutting but I got away with it today) The receipe comes from the Soup bible. I made it three times now and it's a favourite at de Boed. 

I have two quark cakes with dried prunes, golden raisins and almonds in the oven since de Boed's manager requested me to make that for Liberation day. I'm proud off myself. Who'd ever think that comfort receipe off mine would make it as a celebration treat? I hope They will come out nice. I decided to make two off them so they will have enough tomorrow for everyone. It's a receipe I make out off comfort, for those boring sundays when there's nothing to do, it's perfect comfort food and it's quite easy to make. Depression fighter's best. It's an honour for it to be served on a celebration day. (I'm somehow wondering if it's good enough for that but people love it so I shouldn't be sarcastic about it) They're rich in filling tomorrow so hopefully, despite me thinking I shouldn't make them a common day treat, I can help soften some edges and make them enjoy it despite my own doubt. 

I don't know if it truly takes out the sharpness off this crisis we're in, but at least I can make people enjoy a slice off cake from time to time and that's worthit something. 

   Some time after starting this weblog: 

Above there is two pictures off two cute cakes with ridges on top. I'm more content than when starting this project since I think you can perfectly serve them at a Liberation Day coffee moment given how they came out (Picture perfect) 

I glazed them since someone wanted to teach me how to glaze to decorate these. Still my glaze is runny and I couldn't manage to make it a perfect orange. Still I think it will taste nice when someone eats a slice off this. Renewed confidence, always a good thing. I can be proud off this for tomorrow. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.