Good afternoon at the 31st off December, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's a rainy and cold last day off the year. I have regained my energy somehow and I wish to make the best off this day, however. 

*

My energy hasn't been this high the entire month. I don't know how that could be but I feel well, well rested and up to bake stuff today. 

 I don't know how my mind makes this picture a bit scary. I have been making luxury apple turnovers this evening with dried prunes, white raisins, almonds and cookie spices adjusted to the apple filling (Some left overs from other bakings.) this morning, a treat for new year's eve. Those sharp edges look sharp and bird-beak like. I'm good at bringing things to taste, but modeling them is another story. I might or might not try to spend my new year trying to model turnovers a bit better, it's a resolution, haha. Given the fact I should make at least 30 to feed the entire Boed during coffee time, that gives me some space to practice. I have filling left for a lot more off these and by the end off the year I'd probably know perfectly how to shape apple turnovers. I just hope they taste well. And what's left over will be donated to de Boed tomorrow. 

I'm a bit spare for not donating enough off them for everyone. It feels a bit bad to do so, but I have the feeling I shouldn't eat all off these this evening. Sometimes I wish I had a husband to help me off off what I make when it's a bit too much for myself alone. But life just hasn't given me that. I could donate what's left to de Boed's staff instead off clients if I don't want people being left out. I hate the idea off giving too little and one person having more than the other person because off me. I know that feeling too well and I don't want to take part off something like that. I hope staff will appreciate. But they can expect about 30 to be made next year. That will be a nice challenge off it's own. 

This day goes by relaxed. I'm still in PJ's, it's raining and windy outside and I have made apple turnovers for this evening. I played a cd and I'm burning a candle and some incense. It's a good end off the year and I haven't have days like this for a long time. I wish it could be new year's eve every day if it makes me feel this good. Tomorrow I might spend making some new year's bites for de Boed and according to the receipe, that will be enough. 

My energy is often spare. It's often low but I feel well and even better than well this afternoon. I feel it's almost pity christmas time is only untill 6 or 7 January. I love how cozy it makes my small home and how it almost softens the sharp edges off the rest off this year. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading, 

and a Happy New Year to all off you.    

Good afternoon at the 30th off December, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cold, a bit warmer than around christmas, it's cloudy and rainy outside and most branches are empty. 

*

Thursday was for Wednesday Soup. I don't know how I did it, but I slept well yesterday and I had energy to fix the vegetable soup. Classic and old fashioned and the perfect comfort soup for older people who are doing hard this month. People loved it. It's one off the most easy soups to make for me. Somewhere on here I posted my receipe. It contains lots off garlic and herbs in my case and it's based on chicken broth instead off beef broth. I had no complaints today from picky eaters. 

The world looks better when you have slept a few hours at night. It feels fresher and things that are happening around me look more acceptable (I'm talking about my personal circle off things and people.) I decided I'm about to put what's happening in the world aside me. I can't do otherly anyway these weeks. I'm not at a position off power to change things. Somehow realizing that worked well for my nerves and I could sleep. I can't help on a mundial level, but I can serve a community centre a pot off fresh made soup so I can help them a little. The world is better when one can sleep. 

Tomorrow is the last day off glitter and sparkle for a long time. It will be new year's eve tomorrow and I'm doubting wheter to visit my family or not. I hope being stressed during holidays won't be a returning issue each year. For some it is, and it's a well known issue in psychiatric health among care staff. They told me it's common to have issues increased around this time off the year. 

I wish I really had a Guardian Angel to sleep next to each night so he could protect me each time I can't sleep. Cuddle me to sleep each night. That would be perfect. Sleep can feel sacred in a world where nothing seems to be sacred. Omnia and Faun are fighting each other out over that quote, but I have the answer for you: Sleep, sleep is sacred. And if you don't believe me, stay up against your will for a few nights and you will see my point. I'm not intending to take part off that fight though, I have my own battle with Vana Events. 

Sometimes, the kitchen off de Boed can come off pretty cheap in what they serve. This evening will be for hutspot and it's mainly old fashioned Dutch kitchen with lots off potatoes and gravy served with cooked vegetables and some meat we get to eat. At least we get in all off our vitamins and the old fashioned crowd loves it, but sometimes it's a bit depressing to eat - again- like that, with little variety in what we eat. It's healthy and old fashioned and easy to make for our kitchen. Compared to other European countries, Dutch kitchen is plain and simple. And the predicatability feels safe for them. To me, it itches. I have been participating in their vision about food for making vegetable soup today. It was appreciated, but my creativity craves diffrently sometimes. Old people be old. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Good evening at the 29th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is rainy and cloudy. It´s not freezing outside but everything´s said with that. It´s just as depressing as always. 

*

I'm doing bad. 

I wasn't capable to make Wednesday Soup the reliable institute I intended it to be previous week, somewhere before christmas. I had to call it off since I have slept bad again. I sleep awfull these nights due to being afraid Corona might cause a civil war in this country. Riot seekers are keeping themselves calm and Omikron appears to be less bad than what they thought, but what happened this year is enough to let it get the best off me these weeks. 

The manager off de Boed confirmed me they had enough cookies left over from christmas and it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I wasn't capable to bake some for them these weeks due to mental issues. Wednesday Soup will be announced on Thursday due to it. So to say, so I'm not capable to do my hobby due to issues. I decided today during my evening walk around the block it might do good for me to actually make it, cooking works well for my nerves most off the time and they'll be thankfull if I do so. I hope I sleep well this night. It was 2.30 A.M again before I could go to bed previous night. I'm not the every day hero I want to be when I'm like that. 

Some time ago I decided that is what 'Starlight.' Actually stands for. It's not the evil brat from the Vana Events forum, it's not the slut they want to adress me. 

It's my super hero form, the woman who cooks and bakes for everyone, who takes notes for meetings, who tries her best every day in psychiatric health and who isn't afraid to stand for what she thinks is right. The one who inspires people. I'm proud to do so and it's with aware intention I try to make the best off life every day, and I'm the one who isn't afraid to kick Mark van der Stelt for his ass when he has done wrong. No matter how desperate they want to scapegoat me each time about it. Sometimes it's best to stand for what you think instead off being a following sheep in a herd that has it's own bad  restrictions. But acting like Starlight is mainly about every day good, and just a bit better than that. I'm not overly social, but I have good actions I do for people and that's what it's about.   

Be brave, be honest, do the right thing- Always. 

Now, that's mainly what I'm trying to do here. These days when Corona, or mainly it's crisis, hits hard, I'm frightned for riot seekers and the country going mad due to restrictions. I'm not even afraid off Corona itself since I have survived that. I'm afraid off people's short fuse these days. I'm afraid the police or the army can't stand them when they really wish to do harm. Some idea in my mind says I'm rather down and out before the crisis ends when I'm all gucko like this about it and that's not a good idea. Somehow my common sense refuses to listen to it. 

When I'm like this, I'm mainly inside my home most time off the day and at it's highest point at afternoon coffee time at de Boed untill after dinner, then having my daily walk and then returning home untill medication time. Oh dear, I act like a client these days. This is what most clients do, and that's what this institute is for. Helping the mental, and unfortunately- I am one. I need to be taken care off these days. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.           

Good evening at the 25th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold and it freezes outside. there's no snow, but it's cold enough to pass for a christmas day. 

*

I'm reporting this to you with my new white sweater and make-up on my eyes (Lips didn't last, but that's what it always does. I think drinking coffee is more important than being pretty.) and the antler headband with flashy coloured lights off off my head, since it didn't stuck on my head during breakfast. I'll give it another try during dinner. It's christmas. 

Merry Christmas everyone. 

I've had my booster vaccine. My left arm is somewhat sore but it's allright and I have no other complaints about it. I hope it works well. 

Corona rules have been restricted. I suppose I don't mind that much about it. I have some reading material for the next few weeks so it's no big deal being in lockdown every evening. As long as I will sleep these nights when the country is under such restrictions. In my parental home, it's hard to believe the fears I have at home and I sleep well here. I think I'll work mom on her nerves if I wish to stay here the entire lockdown so I'm going to be off again tomorrow. I hope I can report to you no civil war took place while we had a massive lockdown. We will know next month. 

Next month is a perfect month for heartwarming cookies during this monster lockdown. I think it's good to make the best off it and soften the edges for myself and fellow clients. We have no choice but giving it our best. And who said that polar bear cake is only something for christmas? I think my fellow clients will love all off it and so do I. Maybe I'll feel a bit better without christmas in the air. 

Fluffy white sweaters and moderate make-up are also a good idea for New Year's eve. In my mind, I'm at the cold, hard months after christmas instead off celebrating today. I feel worried since I have the idea I should prepare against a winter depression. Cold, spare, lonesome, depressing and no flowers and leaves in sight those months. I have my methods to fight it, but it's been since a few years I have a winter depression in march, mainly ending around the 21st off it when Pisces got replaced by Aries and spring officially starts. It's only christmas today and those months are far off, though worrying for it is a big thing in my mind. I also rather feel with the poor and the lonesome this year instead off celebrating something. 

Mom and her husband are dedicating this christmas dinner to me since I'm always on my feet for other people. I should keep my mind in the here and now while enjoying it this evening. That's what it's christmas for. Since this year I know a phrase from the bible: 'Don't worry about the day off tomorrow, since every day has enough off it's own evil.' I would have never heard off it if people wouldn't dictate it so often at de Boed when thinking about the day off tomorrow. I'm not raised with the bible, but this phrase hits. I don't even know what part off the bible it comes from. They could tell me anything when it comes to that. But this phrase is suitable for today and probably the rest off winter. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 23th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

The sparkly cold has gone off the street, it's once again cold and gloomy with rain every now and then. The big diffrence with summer is that the leaves are gone from trees, and it's icy cold. other than that it's not much diffrent because this summer has been rainy and depressing.  

*

Serious lockdown is for prissys. I was on my feet and out today to do the notes to the monthly client counsil meeting off de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk, specialised in mental health care. It's been the last before christmas and the end off this year, but I think it was a fruitfull one which had meaning. I'm a member off the client counsil and I'm the note taker. I've learned that during my school time. I haven't learned much usefull things at school for life nowadays, but taking notes for meetings comes in handy.  

I shouldn't be too harsh about people who actually are in lockdown, that's not very nice during these hard times and I know it's serious. It doesn't count for me to be in serious  lockdown with nothing on my scheldue but that's me and that's my life. 

It's a short time before christmas. I look forward to it since I like christmas, but it's such a buisy period these days and it's just another buisy thing on my scheldue. I just hope I sleep well these days so I can handle it.          

Tomorrow will be our booster vaccine. I'm planning to be off here after that to my parental home untill monday. I have no wild plans for my christmas outfit. Just a fluffy white sweater, jeans, shoes I always walk in and the antler headband. I purchased christmas make-up online this year and it has arrived. I prefer make-up classy and moderate but I love shiny eyeshadow and dark lashes when I'm doing it. I'm out off fashion for skipping the liner and the dark lip, but that's how I do it. Lisa Eldridge on YouTube is somewhat off an inspiration when I do make-up. Sometimes Charlotte Tilbury, (With cheap dupes. I can't afford what they use) but that's when I would have an event, or when I'm out off depression. I don't believe in overdone make-up since I think that's vulgair, no matter how much people have paid for it or how much it's in fashion. But like said before: I don't do fashion. I love my knitwear and my loud colors too much to be pushed to fashion. Aside to that, It's not always cool to be in fashion. Sometimes it's best to have your own opinion on clothes and stick to it. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading.    

Good afternoon at the 22th off December, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today was a perfectly frosted morning. The streets and the grassfields, the buildings and the trees where all covered in that perfect white sparkly frost this morning when I opened my curtains to see what weather we would have. It's sweater weather. 

*

Nobody has appointments for work today but me, and there is barely anything to do outside unless you work in healthcare. de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk, specialised in psychiatric healthcare is one off those institutes that's open every day off the week, Corona or no Corona, blizzard and christmas or sweating heath and summertime. It's something to hold on to for the mental and I suspect them to even be open the day after there would be a massive bomb attack from planes on Zaandam. Corona is an excuse for prissys. So. Today was for my Wednesday Soup, despite everything. Creamy Mushroom, like I told you and it was perfect. I believe it could count as a perfect start up for people's christmas. According to the reactions I wasn't far off with that conclusion and it's an easy soup to make. It's a queen among my soups. I have a hard time dealing with restrictions but soup making helped me up again. 

It's somewhat hard since the lockdown has increased. I've had the plan to bake more cookies during these weeks, but I'm so anxious I can barely set myself to it, and that christmas cake that elderly lady asked me to make? Forget it, I just can't when I'm like that. I have slept terribly these weeks. The only light at the end off the tunnel is that I will have my booster vaccine on Friday, by the end off the week and it's pretty fast since I live in a care home. I'm a prissy these days. I could help my fellow patients but I'm all sleepless and anxious these two weeks. I decided tonight that I would be off no help and just be in the way to care takers if I would fall down from stress and I had to be brought either to a psychiatric clinic or the hospital. The last can't help me these days, and the first is already on it's last leggs as far as this crisis goes. I don't know if it helps me already, but I felt I could sleep again after that thought. I'm not off help for professionals when stress kills me in times like this.

I still can't set myself to making the cookies I have been thinking out for this occasion off increased lockdown, or the polar bear cake for Anne, (There are a lot off women named Anne, I suspect people wouldn't be capable to find her this way if I wrote her name on here.) but at least I could sleep the rest off the night. And despite the morning being hard- My christmas start up soup this week was a fact. I'm tired from sleeping bad for about half a week. I have mentioned good night tea (slaapthee) helps, but the second night I drank it, I couldn't sleep but my mind was more at ease. I felt well rested despite no sleep had happened. 

I hope I can keep myself to these words off courage. I hope sleeping is easier with this mindset, but life still is stressfull and frightening these days. I have been thinking 'I wish someone would bake me those coconut stars.' but as far as I know, I can forget about that. Life is hard for the first time for my mental disorder since the crisis broke down. It's a bit too harsh to demand me to get back up on my feet if I don't know if I can take that at this moment. My light in the darkness is that I will get my vaccine soon.

Some care takers are a bit harsh about it and push me to limits. I have been discussing this with other care staff and they say I should talk about it. But that's a story on it's own about a witty care taker who isn't feeling with people very well and who works a lot off people on their sensitive nerves.   

Previous year I wasn't so afraid but it's because there have been riots all over the country. I'm afraid it might come to a civil war once those riot seekers are getting wild and they will get after me and do harm to me personal. Out off jealousy because I can take on the crisis well compared to others in the country and I don't have to deal with outstanding poverty like a lot off people. (I'm far from rich, I live in a very small appartment but I don't have to deal with things that hit common working people these days.) If the riot seekers get violent, I'm afraid the police and even the army can't stop them. That's my main fear. Not even Corona on it's own since I can cope with that. The lockdown has massively increased, I'm afraid the people can't take it and this small country will go mad somehow. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you all for reading.                    

Good evening at the 15th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was clear and warmer than previous week, but it means it was only 10 degrees celsius compared to about 4. Next week will be colder they say. 

*

A challenge. Today would be for classic old fashioned 'groentesoep.' Easy as pie for me. But some maffo replaced my ingredients list with one for an incredibly difficult Morrocan Harirra. Moroccan vegetable soup with a lot off spices, vegetables that had to be cut and me being set to stress all morning because it's almost like brewing a potion when you prepare a soup like that. I had to run home to get my cookbook to prepare the soup they had set me on to. Luckily I'm flexible and can switch easily and people loved their difficult Moroccan harirra. One off the things that can show you're good at something, is how well you are at solving problems sometimes.  

Even when I want to keep it easy and simple, and clearly state what ingredients I wish for at Wednesday Soup, things can turn out a big mess like that. I lost my temper (a bit) while being at it and told care takers what I thought about it. They appologized and we could discuss the matter like reasonable people. I'm capable to discuss when you talk to me, but I wasn't pleased with the problem. Still. It was solved and people loved their difficult soup. They have the luck I live a walk around the corner from de Boed, otherly I couldn't have solved it since I needed the receipe to see how much off the spices I needed for it. If they wanted me to do that soup, why couldn't they have simply told me? It's a big favourite at de Boed. I think we could shove this under 'Best off 2021.' in it's category, I'm glad I turned it all well.  

Today was for gifting cookies and they where received well. I think it's little effort to put a little class to home made cookies the way I made them yesterday, but I could change my mind and want to be creative with cookiecutters again when I feel like it. I haven't collected them for nothing, after all. It would be a waste on one hand not to use them, and a challenge to improve kinda what I've done this week on the other hand, but I'm still breathing. I have time in life to try both methods. 

(Probably the best picture I took off them last night.)

Allright, that's about it for now- I think de Boed and it's visitors will be very glad with my new drive to bake nicer cookies and improve it all the time! They are hopefully the big winner to this mental challenge. 

Thank you for reading.   

Good morning at the 15th off December, 2021.

 Good morning everyone, 

I haven't been checking on the weather today yet. It's around 3.30 A.M and the world is fast asleep. Corona restrictions are still somewhat the same untill the 14th off January. For about an entire month and during christmas, people are forced to keep it lowkey in life to see if we can end the infection rate in hospitals. Will that be? I doubt, maybe we'll even get a more strict lockdown. What I do know is how to make people feel a bit better. 

*

A heart under the belt. 

I have spend my day yesterday with baking sand cookies, I prepared the dough on Sunday, and decided to make something special out off it yesterday. 

(This is one plate off them) 

I made a batch off hearts, then put some white chocolate on one half off them, and then sprinkled them with almond chives. I wanted them to look nice and evenly because someone at de Boed called my cookies ugly some time ago. Somehow I feel challenged, to model my food a bit better the next time and polish the way it looks. It's probably a good challenge for the upcomming period with all restrictions still being up and there being lonesome souls during the holidays. I think people can use some off it to strengthen them and feel a bit comforted by it in this time and day off being as I'm planning to donate most stuff to de Boed. Tomorrow, these will be handed out to de Boed for coffee time.  

I can bring stuff to taste, modelling and sculpting / decorating has never been my thing. I believe there's a world to win for me in that field. It's a big challenge to bake pretty cookies. As long as people are dying by the masses and there are lonely and sad people to comfort these days, I'll try to be on my feet for them somehow. 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading. 

Words off meaning

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold and cloudy outside, it's just 4 degrees celsius and it's seriously cold but somehow clear outside and it doesn't rain. 

*

Reindeers, Polar Bears, Candles and then the whole range off receipes from previous year- when an elderly neighbour recommends christmas cake receipes to you, your answer would be yes too. (I hope it would be) I think I'll let her enjoy her christmas cake and the rest off de Boed too. I think reindeers are a cute christmas decoration somehow. I purchased a reindeer headband online and I just have to find a battery to lit it's decoration and be funny at the christmas table. It's not what I mean with 'Be a light in the darkness that surrounds us.' I mean being inspiring for people in your surrounding, be a heartwarming person and bring good spirits with you when you do your business.   

de Boed has become a post office. We have post lockers and they intend for clients to start working there, but nobody (including me) feels like it. Don't worry, we still have the hall, the main point for clients, but someone got it in their head to make it a post office somehow at the former office and the hallway where we had our coat rack. It's now done by PostNL staff, or staff to de Boed.  

I have the feeling being an inspiring light has become somewhat harder for me. I'm tired a lot and rather feel like being in than doing my business outside. I like to be at home a lot and sit on my couch, ignoring the world outside mainly including the internet. The last one hasn't done bad for me, and I get in what I need from the world when I have care takers visiting, or when I have my evening meal at de Boed and my small walk after that. Life isn't hard that way. I like to inspire others, but it's like I feel less like doing it. I like talking with health care staff and I go to a course every Thursday about mental health. I get educated about my disease by professional staff from the organisation that provides it. Other than that, I'm a hermit. But it's allright to be a bit like that these days, especially in winter. It's cold, the world has a pandemic and it's a hard world outside.

Sometimes I think 'Where is my light in the darkness?' Life and it's issues have cleared up for me this previous period. I live a calm life without a lot off hardships now compared to some years ago. I feel like I'm becomming more stable, but I'm also recovering from things. And I have the feeling 'what do I do it for?' People still seem all the same, no matter how much you try to be helpfull to them. I wouldn't like to let down that attitude to people. The attitude off being positive with them. So to recover from the world, I stay in a lot and ignore the rest from the world in my safe little cocoon on MY small corner off the world. I need that rest to be a good version off me the rest off the time. People who don't know this side off me wouldn't believe me and still prefer to see me as a bitch. But I'm not a bitch. I guess they'd get me wrong from the beginning on but there is no end to their prejudice. I found it wasn't my fault after all if people have no end to their nastyness about small things that happened. Their petittemindedness is worse than what I have done in my opinion. It's no use trying them to get over with it, but that's none off my business anymore. 

I live for my small corner off the world, in my small cocoon - helping people who do hard by shoving them a heart under the belt (If that's a proverb in English. It means trying to support them by lending them a hand and hoping they'll gain good spirits or even courage from what I do) I believe in it. I'm not a mental health professional, but I can help a little every now and then. You can help yourself by helping others. It's a budhistic wisdom to do so. But according to the west, you shouldn't over do it and let yourself being shoved under by it. I think I start to feel the last, but I have been on my feet for others for years. I need a little break. Cocooning does well for me these months. Helping others wasn't ment for myself to feel better by it, but it happened. I began to feel good about myself again after nasty things that happened on the internet and people hating on me such a big time after it. I decided I wanted to proove I'm a good person, after all. It works better in real life than on the internet. And sometimes those who speak nasty about someone are just nasty themselves- They don't have to proove anything to anyone so what are they, to be honest? They can be ignorant all the time without anyone misjudging them, because they are not in the spotlight my way. 

I have been fighting these incredible battles, but no one from them has seen any off it. I believe what I have done has proven me and those in my surrounding who I really am. What is superficial? Following the latest trends on alternative fashion, or still being not so edgy, walking around in sweaters and jeans but still doing your best feeding others. I have proven myself, to myself over time, in many situations. And I wish to keep on working everyday like that since nothing makes me more happy than that. It's my way off life and I love it. 

Be brave, be honest, do the right thing- Always!

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

         

Good evening at the 10th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold with hints off rain, the sky is clear and you can see the moon now. It's dark early. 

*

Wednesday Soup this week was for Nacho Soup. People enjoyed it. I started to see what a spoiled tut I was for thinking groentesoep isn't much for December, and I put it on the menu this Wednesday. Or maybe a voice did so. It was, however, a feeling somehow to do classic Dutch Vegetable Soup the next week. In this day off time, in this era with so many issues and people being poor, I can't be lifted over the horse about a kind off soup that's probably healthy and appreciated these days and makes people feel heartwarmed -and nostalgic- in winter. I have the feeling if it's highly appreciated, it's not the last time we have seen it this winter.   

I'm a bit off a hermit these weeks. I'm inside all day and barely live except for dinner and my daily walk outside with health care around the block. I'm probably doing well according to the government, with all these Corona restrictions. But I would have been this way also without Corona being so nasty on us. 

I have been listening a new CD a few times. I'm old fashioned- I still listen to CD's on old radios, and I payed a good amount off money for it instead off tuning in on Spotify for it and purchasing for cheap. Clannad is hopefully thankfull I did so. In these days, where everyone is poor but still up to date in devices, I might seem an idiot to you, but it's still my way off enjoying music. Just like I prefer a laptop over an Ipad, paper newspapers with local news over the internet when it comes to news, and an old fashioned clock with clock-hands over something more modern, and my Smartphone isn't up to date but it's no big deal for me to live like that. I still post on old fashioned weblogs like it's 2010. And is there any better genre in music than '80's? I barely follow the news, I still have a small TV catching dust somewhere in the corner off my room, but it's only on when the prime minister speeches about Corona. Other than that, it's off.  

I do believe in buying goods online, though, and my living room is a bit decorated for christmas this year. I love how it's cozy for winter and holidays. 

A lot off people in my surrounding do hard during the holidays. Most people miss a loved one and so do I. It's a season to celebrate, and to remember. Not everyone has a family to celebrate things with. You can't be over the horse in a season like this about what you have compared to others. You can't during any season in my opinion, but appreciating the small things in life and lending a hand to those who need it is, always, a good idea. Especially this season during this nasty year. When loneliness and losses can hit people extra hard and where nobody seems to have money. It's a lot to take count off, but we can't be selfish during Yule / Christmas, a celebration off sharing, the birth off Jesus Christ so you wish, and the hope for the return off light. Don't forget that the best light comes from within. One off the quotes I like to resemble: Be a light in the darkness that surrounds us. And be a good person during this holiday season. 

I had the vain hope some time long ago, that if people would do it themselves in life, we wouldn't need a heavenly saviour to safe us, or a maitreya to follow for the earth to become a better place. I say vain hope, since I've learned to know mankind and I learned how though this ideal can be. People are incredibly nasty among each other. I hope my readers will dim it a bit during the holidays somehow.  

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.        

Good evening at the 7th off December, 2021.

 Good late evening / almost morning everyone! 

Previous day was cold and rainy, and it seems to continue to over midnight. 

*

Yesterday was for preparing Pumpkin Lasagna with goat cheese at de Boed. They found an employee who is patient and helpfull enough to help me cooking for them every once a week. She supervices while I think off Vegetarian and Wholesome receipes, (As she requires) and I help her cook. I think it's a perfect way to continue what I had in mind with de Boed: Helping them by preparing wholesome dinners every now and then with healthy ingredients. I'm thinking off ordering the Vega bible. A book in the cooking bible series completely vegetarian receipe based. I think it's no big deal preparing vegetarian meals every week, as long as they're nutricious and filling enough for my audience. I can't guarantee vegan, since like I told you - I use dairy in my meals and can't do without in my opinion. But skipping meat is a good step one. 

Next week I picked a receipe for a vegetarian brusslesprout stamp, brought to taste with curry powder, walnuts and old cheese in it. And a few apple slices as a topping. I can't guarantee my receipes are skinny. When it's Vegetarian, I'm likely to replace meat with cheeses and nuts to fill the stomach off my audience. I could, offcourse, see what lentils and beans can do for me in that field since I'm open for suggestions. After the Brusselssprout stamp, we could try a bean or lentil stew or even a filled curry. I'm quite new to preparing curry's. I hope I'll do well on my first try. Strictly vegetarian is a request, since my Mary Poppins doesn't eat meat at all. (Other than that, she is nice.) It challenges me to use several capabilities to cook perfectly vegetarian. I like it. 

Outside the kitchen, I'm in a phase where I've been crying like I never cried before. I have been bawling my eyes out over my father's death and him never comming back to me (I don't wish to inform you about all details, but it comes down to that.) This is the second day I'm up to after midnight about that, I couldn't sleep and I felt like spoiling my readers with a new weblog today about my kitchen adventures. Other than that, I woe like crazy these days. Dad is about to move on in the other world, I'm not likely to see him back again soon. It hurts. I have been using up almost an entire tissue box. It's been that bad. Fot over 9 years, I haven't been so incredibly sad about it. Life probably chocked me up with other issues the previous years, but he told me by appearing at my bed side a few weeks ago I would never see him again in his current form and that he is about to move on. (I'm spiritual and it didn't scare me at all) He will be missed, and it hurts for him not to wait on us, but he's supposed to grow and learn as a person in the other world. All three off us (My brothers and me) could grow at least 60 more years each after all. It's a long wait. Generous as that may sound, I'm hurt by it. I do hard keeping mature and wise about it, and when I look in the mirror, my sadness clearly signs my face these days. I'm all red and poofy around my eyes, my face is red and swollen, and the look in my eyes is just so sad. I haven't been so sad ever since- forever. Dad may have had his reasons but I'm mourning over loosing him. Finally. 

I haven't been truly sad in 2012, since death doesn't mean forever to me, but what he said when showing up to me a few weeks ago sounded like a forever goodbye and that broke me. I hope it's not a real forever goodbye, and he will change his mind. I hope we can talk and meet up again when I'm finally there, togheter with my brothers and that we can go on togheter somehow. There have been incredible patches off sore in all off us ever since that dark period about ten years ago. Maybe he had to go on to fullfill karma, or just for the sake off having a free life again, to cure from us and we from him and then do what the upper energies felt was right. I can't sleep, I'm sad like I've never been, but it's probably all worthit in the long run. Still- 

It's how it works, life and death. And you have to do what is best for the greater good sometimes. That's how I see it. I don't know if I believe the universe is supposed to become whole again like monotheistic religions state, or, according to eastern believes like Shintoism and Buddhism, a state off being transferring into another state off being all the time. (That's called Dharma) I like to believe in a warm source off whole as our origin. But I haven't figured out, not even for myself, how it's supposed to be next. Are we on our way to becomming whole again, or just on our way to the next thing? I think I will leave the answer for how the future unfolds.     

I drink Earl Grey tea (with honey sometimes. Actually, Earl Grey works against sadness. It's not some urban legend from Great Britain, it really does something.) to help me through the dark sadness, and I talk a lot with care takers about how I feel. I feel something in me wondering if I am all alone in this world, after all.  

My head's filled with sorrow and the only thing that seems to cheer me up is christmas. The cheer off christmas being ahead. I look forward to it and I will celebrate it in my house, no matter how small I live. I need it this year. Christmas, Yuletide, no matter how you will call it, I want to celebrate it this year. 

My sadness requires me to take good care off myself. I need to sleep well, try to groom myself and eat healthy and drink a lot. It comes to my mind as it might be a challenge. I'm up untill 02.00 A.M, I hope I'll keep to my shower routine and I chocked in an entire bar off chocolate just moments ago. I could also have a bit off merci on my soul and not be strict on myself these weeks. 

I thank you for reading.-  

That's about it for now.  

Good evening at the 4th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was rainy, cold, grey, and gloomy. I wonder when I can report you about better weather. It didn't happen this summer. Hopefully spring and summer will ever come (with positive news) And we can see a better year next year. 

*

My mustard soup was received well at de Boed this Wednesday for Wednesday Soup. People loved it and I got even the biggest soup sceptic eating it. People who usually don't like soup, love my soups. I don't want to brag about myself, but I have the feeling my mustard soup can compete with de Zaanse Schans. They are world famous and good for 6 million tourists each year. And they have a coffee point serving mustard soup, but to be honest I have to try that one before I judge. It will give me something to do sooner or later. A walk around de Zaanse Schans and tasting mustard soup the way it's supposed to be. Or close to supposed to be. As mine is pretty good too. I invented it myself the way I serve it to them. I got called the Soup Queen at de Boed. It's a funny compliment. Like said, next week will be for Mexican Nacho soup. Just like always, I wish to give it my best and hopefully I'm restaurant worthy again next week.  

Today my family visited for coffee with Sinterklaas pastry. Tomorrow will be the official Sinterklaas celebration for this year, but my family came here today and I served them coffee while they brought the cake. We all kept perfectly by the Corona rules and I had a good day today. 

Tomorrow, it will be Sinterklaas evening and present day for most children. After that, Sinterklaas goes back to Spain, and next thing will be Christmas. I wish to serve de Boed a great soup as a start up for whatever christmas dinner they are going to have the days after that. Other than that, I have no big plans. I wish for christmas decorations in my home and hopefully I can get my hands on reindeer christmas tree decorations, or deer christmas tree decorations. I wish for it to look sparkly and have antlers. And who knows I can have christmas antlers too this year. I'd walk around with a headband with antlers in the supermarket and at de Boed all day if I could get my hands on it. 'I'm a reindeer, bitches.' I already purchased a somewhat chique fluffy warm sweater to wear at the christmas dining table. I believe in comfy and oversized this year, and my family doesn't do officially chique at christmas. No dresses and suits,  So why walking out off line? Antlers and a warm sweater are perfect this year.       

A few more headlines: a care taker got Corona and has to stay at home for a while, and two ladies fainted in the hall off de Boed these weeks. It's been almost suspicious how the last thing happened, in both cases there had to come an ambulance to bring them to the hospital for some time. Both are back home by now (One happened today this morning, I was not aware because I had guests) and both have to take it incredibly easy these days.     

I purchased 'Ganbatte.' By Fransesc Miralles and Héctor Garcia by accident. I had to see if my bank account was still working after blocking a payment and if it wasn't my account having a bug, it worked and so I purchased that book. It's the fourth in my collection off their Japanese wisdom books and I love reading them. I can recommend it to people who want to know about Japanese philosophys. It's practical and helpfull and it reads nice for people who love to read about things worth knowing from both western and eastern wisdom and bhuddistic wisdoms. If that's your cup off tea, it's worthit. They started their range with a book about Ikigai. (Their best known work)  

I hope the western world and the world in general will survive Corona. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you for reading.    

Good evening at the 27th off November, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is rainy and cold. I even saw hints off snow on our pavement in front off the building and that is rare. The Netherlands hasn't had snow in November since ages. It somehow reminded me off scenes in Harry Potter, where they return to the castle with snow in their hair during November / early December. 'It's already snowing somewhere in the mountains.' All because off that depressing tad off snow on our local pavement somewhere in the flattest area off the world with no mountains in sight. It's probably gone tomorrow, but it was there for a while. 

*

Corona restrictions are strictening by monday, and I had my own way off fighting Corona Blues. 

By making de Boed an outstanding Banana bread decorated with icing, slivered almonds and pieces off crushed Speculaas cookies. 

It was a great taste to people at de Boed and I had the receipe from a free magazine called 'Boodschappen.' Available for free at the supermarket I mainly go to. (Supermarkets in the Netherlands hand out free magazines with good receipes to their costumers for inspiration to them. I have a big pile with years and years off free editions in my book case. They have one every month.) Sometimes the best things come to you for free or are somewhat free. Not always, but sometimes luck comes for free.  

It's funny how I upload a picture off something that's already been gone by now. People loved it during coffee time at de Boed. It's a way to fight Corona Blues to soften circumstances to them by serving them something good with their coffee every often. I can invoice my groceries by now for baking, so I can serve people these kind off things with de Boed paying for it. They said 'I didn't have to pay everything while everyone enjoys it.' I still have a lot off ingredients left. I have the feeling I might make one again tomorrow for them. That seems sort off fair since they paid it.   

It's cold, it's wet snow outside and Corona is increasing and the country slowly gets back to lockdown. But at least I can soften it a bit for fellow clients and staff members. 

I wish to spend the week in between christmas and new year's eve watching Harry Potter. I wonder if we can see a white christmas this year, snow falling and temperatures below -15 degrees celsius for the entire winter. That requires even better baking, and more heartwarming soup each week. 

I'm tired. I feel exhausted a lot and I'm not really high in energy. I do walks each evening after dinner with a member off our care staff to get fresh air and not getting rusty in my legs. I sleep in time (I try to each night) I need fresh air to keep myself from overheating, inside and outside. I might drink a cup off coffee too much every often but I believe most Dutch people love their coffee. (I might just speak for myself. You can't speak for everyone if you state something like that.) Today I had just a few small cups at de Boed. I feel with poor people this season as poverty is not funny and I wish the government wouldn't increase the gap between rich and poor and be more heartfull with those in need. Most people aren't rich these days and hospitals are overflowing with patients and are not functioning up to where they should. We need the left wing in politics, but they are fighting each other and are unreliable these days. We need a better care system and something that watches us from falling behind in social care and things we need in life, and improvement should be for everyone. Not just for rich people. I'm not rich and I never have been, but at least I have something. Just a little something and I wish for care and wealth to be accesible for everyone. It's going to be a long cold winter, look after each other and don't be egocentric. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 25th off November, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold and clear, changed by cold rain showers every now and then. It's only one month untill Christmas today. 

*

Wednesday Soup was for chickensoup. It was highly enjoyed by most people and I had adjusted alphabet vermicelli to it. It came from a receipe from the Soup Bible (I'm not religious according to the bible, but as some sort off a pagan / buddhist / esoterical believer I find the irony funny.) In Dutch it's called de Soepbijbel and I love how it's receipes always work out for me to feed the crowd in the hall from de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. My soup is appreciated and I'm proud to be a soup cook for about one year and a few months more every wednesday. People come and go at de Boed, But my soup lunch still stands firm to my fellow clients and staff. 

If christmas should have a soup as a start up, or if soup should be served at christmas, what kind off soup would that be? I have a few cream soups in my arsenal, among some very rich vegetable soups. People tell me it's as if they eat at a restaurant or hotel sometimes but what would be a perfect start up for christmas? I think people wouldn't be ashamed to serve my decadent soups at their christmas table if I say so myself and previous year a staff member served her family my Brocolli Courgette soup for christmas as a start up. (From one off my receipes.) I'm that good. And I'm not the kind off person to brag about her capabilities. (That staff member got re-located at another Leviaan spot because off her personal issues, but it was nevertless a compliment.) 

December should have a few soups you would love to eat at holidays. Luxury enough to make it at a dinner table. Everyday vegetable soup is allright for January when all the shine is over. Aside to paprika soup. (Thanks thinking out loud for filling in my Soup Scheldue for that month. Week one will be for Vegetable soup, week two will be for practicing Paprika soup.) I have served the crowd a creamy Brocolli Courgette soup about four weeks ago so I can't make it my Christmas soup. People love to eat varied. And I should remember this year is a hard year with little to celebrate due to the Pandemic still hitting hard on people. It should be festive, wholesome and somewhat comforting to eat my soups this month. The third week off January will be for potato soup (I've never tried that one before, but I'm wishing to adjust crunchy bacon to it. But that's for two months ahead. It's good to practice things every now and then) 

Next week will be my famous Mustard soup, and the week next to that will be for Mexican Nacho soup. (Not made from actuall Nacho's, but it's a paprika soup with a creamy cheese adjusted to it so people can dip nacho chips in it.) It doesn't scream 'Christmas.' But it's wholesome and it's fun for those who eat. Mustard Soup is, by the way, made with local Zaanish Mustard*. There is a mill at de Zaanse Schans (A famous tourist location) which produces it. This will be my soup scheldue for the upcomming time. December has three Wednesdays left. I could re-do creamy mushroom since that one has a festive and luxury feeling to it. I could also make it my christmas start up soup the 22th. Question answered: Creamy Mushroom will be a Christmas start up for my audience. The 16th could be for some sort off a tomato soup. As long as we have soup, we might or might not have a spark off warmth to hold on to these months. Despite there being new restrictions in the air for this country.   

(*Zaandijk isn't as famous as Dijon for it's mustard, and our mustard is more rough and a bit more sharp, but I can recommend for those who love mustard to try it if you can lay your hands on it. ) 

Allright, that's about it- I might make weblogs with soup receipes for those who are interested. 

Thank you for reading.     

Good afternoon at the 22th off November, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is a sunny yet cold day in autumn, it's been about time to dig up my wintercoat for this year. It's still comfy and it looks stunning. It's cold enough so it's appropriate. 

*

Today was for grocery shopping. This weekend I saw Sinterklaas enter Zaandijk. Sinterklaas is a Dutch tradition, celebrated with a centuries old saint and his companions to give children presents every 5th off December. Sinterklaas entering places with a large ceremony is a tradition the UN seems to question since Black Petes  (His companions and workers, where Santa Claus has his elves) are racist according to real black people. I think I should stick away from the discussion as I don't want to be involved in either sides. But in my opinion, things change sometimes and simply emancipating Black Pete is not a bad thing. But you seem to get into trouble with many people once you state that somewhere. It was nevertless fun seeing Sinterklaas entering Zaandijk and his couch and horses and the entire procession, containing black petes, children and their parents and a few police motorbikes passing by our street. I got a hand full off candy and 'pepernoten.' Some sort off small spiced cookies Sinterklaas is famous for.  

It was a good afternoon that day. 

I have been reading a few books these weeks. That's mainly the reason I haven't been online for quite some time. I have been reading the translation to 'Sepulchre.' By Kate Mosse (De verloren Tombe in het Nederlands) And two books on Japanese wisdom. One called Ichigo Ichi, and one called Shinrin Yoku, both by Fransesc Miralles and Héctor Garcia. (Not because off Hector the Ladybug, but because the subjects seemed interesting.) Miralles and Garcia launched a new book named Ganbatte about Japanese will power recently. As soon as I finished Shinrin Yoku, I would like to have that one too to complete my small collection from those authors on inspiring self-help books based on Japanese philosophy. (I also own 'Ikigai.') Their books are easy and inspiring to read. 

I've read Sepulchre around Halloween, and the time off year situated in the book seemed to match that period and it was a cool read. I've read it before in my youth but couldn't seem to finish it. I have been finishing it with a little effort almost one month ago.  

I do hard reading sometimes. I have my moments where I read quite a lot, and then periods off time where I read nothing or where it can't seem to please me. I'm not a bookworm. But November has been a month off books. 

I have been inside a lot off my time. I kept perfectly to all restrictions by the government these weeks by reading in the evening and to be honest, I can't be bothered if they restrict more this winter as long as there are books that have my interest. I wish I had my willpower from the beginning, though. Where I said 'put your shoulders under it, and all will be finished soon so we can be free again.' That's been about two years ago, almost. I think it's best to look at day to day and make best off the situation each day. But I wouldn't be honest with you if I said the restrictions are hard for most to bear. I feel a bit better once they're off our shoulders. I can still handle them, though. 

One thing I can't handle are the holidays. I find this time off year quite hard to keep up with and to stay well. It's a well known phenomena in psychiatric health, and I didn't know I did hard on it untill previous year. Ahead to that I had no issues with the holiday period. It's a period with a lot off things being off the normal way, so it's when a lot off people have issues with their mental state off being or loneliness. 

I'll keep up with you about it. 

Allright, that's about it-

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 17th off November, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold outside yet sunny. It was a nice day for late autumn. 

*

I shouldn't forget to put on vests and sweaters this season. Sometimes I'm a bit thoughtless and go out in my usuall longsleeve without anything over it. I'm often cold when I'm at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk when I'm about to do my business. I forget to think about warmer clothes these days. It's a good thing to remember before things get any worse. 😓 Most off the time I get myself dressed on automatic pilot and go for my longsleeve t-shirt instead off thinking too much about it. 

Today for Wednesday Soup was for an excellent creamy mushroom soup. I got complimented all the time during lunch time and got compared to a famous hotel (Van der Valk) with what it had become. It was an excellent soup, even for my doing it stood out above the rest in my opinion. Creamy Mushroom is one to repeat.

One off my key secrets for succes is to dress plain and simple when I'm about to make soup. It's almost a superstition but I hang on to it: A plain longsleeve, a simple pair off jeans and my go to walking shoes. Allright, my socks are bold and a bit outstanding, but other than that, no make-up and jewelry allowed to myself that morning most off the time. I take care off my face with skincare, though. No make-up and simple clothes are a good thing since you can't smear anything on something fancy and your face won't be ruined with what you are doing when you peel garlic and adjust strong flavoured onions to your pot. And tasting soup and broth is no problem when you wear a plain t-shirt you wear most off the time. Many a spoiled princess would stick up their nose for me like that. But I can cook my audience a famous hotel worthit soup and that's what makes it worthit for me. I had to wear plastic kitchen gloves for hygiene and a mouth mask due to corona numbers increasing. So it's best not to look overly made up on mornings like that. It adjusts to the big succes off Wednesday Soup each week. And I'm not loved any less by most because off it. 

Thursday I allow myself a little more class by dressing a bit better and allowing myself earrings each week. I haven't probably told you, but I'm someone who's feeling for dressing up can vary strongly each day. Most off the time I don't wear make-up and feel perfect by it. But I have the need to dress nice. Sometimes I feel angry at myself for slacking on that point, but I have found a point again where I wish to be groomed. It's an issue most mental people have, but back to the point: Dressing plain and simple helps improving the Wednesday Soup. There's no need to look like a moviestar when you're buisy in a large kitchen. 

I have issues in my head a lot. Most off the time I feel cramps and sores without any pointable reason to it. I even had a mental attack this afternoon. I haven't had these drains where I feel attacked by someone far away from me in months. I was at panic by it and I burned up three incense sticks to chase the problem away. It slipped away during dinner this evening but the feeling off something nasty being on me is still there. Mental attacks are awfull. They're delusions but a bit more anxious making and overwhelming compared to the usuall stuff. I had the fear Vana finally found out what happened to their car in 2018 and a leading woman among them was after me with black magic, trying to punish me for it. I can't just point at people and say 'You're using black magic and you're a nasty vulture.' (It would be a relief to call her that and clear off my mind. But I wouldn't be helped with it)

Not that I would like to have anything to do with them again after everything I went through when still wanting to be on their good side. I just have the idea being away from them works better for me, but it's an anxious feeling, them trying to somehow punish me for chasing away their stupid car from the parking lot. I haven't had any respond to what I posted online about it, and they're stupid as heck when it comes to that. I believe they have no clue what happened and are too lazy and 'Van gisteren.' to find out. In my mind, Vana is 'van gisteren.' when it comes to a lot off things and not up to date about this. (It means they're not up to date enough to know.) 

People ignoring you all the time also means you can go your way undisturbed. People having a vague mind also means you are a few steps ahead to them most off the time. If you have a clear mind yourself. As long as they don't care, I can go my way and get away with it. That's what it comes down to. Aside to this, I mainly wish to stay out off their business and really go my own way from now on. Attacks don't help that ambition. I already feel good about it and I love life despite all off this, so it's been a good thing to step off their train. 

I have my period again. I wish it would finally truly break through and bleed like it should since it's keeping itself a bit back. Vana Events and being on my period (almost) is not a good combination. Calling that important Madame a stupid vulture adjusts to the matter. It would feel so good to tell her the truth, however. They call me a whore and a slut all the time after all and I believe I don't have to feel guilty to begin with about anything. She's only as important as to what they give her credit for. Outside the Vana Events hype, she's just an arrogant, snobby weirdo. Nothing more than that and I leave it at that. When people suggest you not to take things serious and be suspicious about the world, start with them first. They might be your next problem if you don't. 

(If you hang on to them more, they start to gain a certain amount off power over you when they alienate you from the world outside. This is also how sects work. By no longer questioning them and what they do, you start to feed their power, which is not healthy when you get at a point when you are no longer allowed to question them by them and have to see them as the centre off your world. Breaking free from them will be utmost painfull once you have reached that point so you won't and give them even more power and capability to restrictions. I have seen this in Vana and it's not to my liking. It makes me even question if Vana is a danger for our modern day society in that way since they are becoming more and more populair among people and promote egotripping to a certain point.) 

It's good to think free.  

With my mind free, my hands smelling like garlic and my period being on it's way 

I think it's better to stop for this evening. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you all for reading. 

          

Good evening at the 15th off November, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's water cold, gloomy and grey outside. The only diffrence with summer is that it's incredibly cold outside today and for the rest off autumn. It's just as nasty, just a whole lot colder.  

*

Personal Story. 

This night I have been awake and baking sand cookies with a squeeze off honey in them. I have been making the dough the day before, I even set my refridgerator two points lower to be sure my dough would be perfectly solid to use cookie cutters on. I have no picture, but just like dried prune and raisin cake- it's something I bake quite often and an overload off pictures isn't what we wish for when it comes to this. 

My cookies got appreciated at de Boed. Baking sand cookies is my go to thing I want to do most often when I don't know what to do during a day in the weekend. Or it feels like I want to do that most when I feel bored. 'What to do next? Hmm, let's bake sand cookies.' or 'I feel like making sand cookies today.' And then I skip it to a day when I have time and opportunity to bake them. I have a few adjustments I make to my receipe to make them 'my.' version off sand cookies. It's something for someone who often suffers from lack off taking initiative that sand cookies are one off these things I still do. Lack off initiative is part off mental disease sometimes. Another thing I take initiative in every often is painting my nails a dark, stormy grey. This weekend it's -24. We go togheter - by Essence on my nails. I got the luck my dark taste is in fashion somehow. I don't follow trends, I barely follow news on that, but what I wear is somewhat cool. Dark colours are in fashion these days. (Allright, I wear happy socks which are in fashion. But it's merely to be funny sometimes to wear loud socks.)  

The rest off my day after lunch was spend with a headache. I had to take rest and order my groceries instead off going to the supermarket. Luckily the headache faded and I could attempt to afternoon coffee to see people's reaction to my cookies. (That is often a high point to my day. People loving my home made treats) Yesterday I had a bad headache too. It started a bit before dinnertime. I had done little that day but making cookie dough and spend my day at de Boed having coffee and just- sitting at one point and doing not much.- (I have that issue again, sometimes I feel somewhat blocked and do nothing with my day but sitting in one place and drinking coffee. Staff at de Boed asking if I want to do something, a game, a walk around the block, often don't get me at that point. I have that again these weeks.) And headache hitted me hard. I had to spend some time in bed after lunch. Maybe I drink too little aside from coffee, and a little too much coffee. It's Anthedonia I got issued with when I have that. That's what it's called when you miss initiative to do things. I nevertless still feel exhausted when spending my day like that. You'd suspect I would not be tired when doing nothing all day, but I sleep at night and I sleep well most off the time. Compared to a few years ago, my sleeping pattern is improved and I'm thankfull for that. Sleep is an important thing when you are a mental patient. It's a luck to still be noticeable about myself, but I can do little to nothing about it when I have these issues. It's feeling stuck inside myself and it's hard. 

Maybe a low vitamin D level hits in again aside from regulair winter gloom. I don't know. I should do something with the text: SAND COOKIES are a LUCK to bake. For some it might not make sense, but for me, they are. (And de Boed likes to provide them with their coffee every often.) I could dip them in melted white chocolate next time and serve them in that variety. I have the idea it would be a perfect match with my regulair receipe. But that's for next time when I feel like giving myself a little challenge. The text noticed above should somehow get a sign. If only for myself. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 10th off November, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was misty, cloudy and cold at Zaandijk at our location. It was depressing autumn weather and a lot off people have caught the flu and called off today. Corona numbers are increasing and consequences for the people are restricting again. 

*

Like promised, I would post information about my new mugs which have arrived yesterday evening. I bought two whole sets, more than what you see in the pictures, (Birds and mammals) but these are two examples. A wolf, and a bird I don't know the name off. (I hope they will last.) They are made off porcelain, and dishwasher proof according to the description. I think they look nice and will have a good spot among my other mugs. I was up for a few new mugs and I love how this supported charity. 

Natuurmonumenten Webshop

And like I promised, the link to their (Dutch) webshop. These mugs brighten up a dark and somber day. I had to live quite economic for the rest off the week and I still have to the upcomming period, but I felt it was worthit somehow. 

Today was for paprika / bell pepper soup. It's a signature soup I make whenever I feel like experimenting with soup and my skills. People loved it and I adjusted chicken breast to it today. I had to start a bit more early since de Boed's kitchen got maitenance today. The substance off my soup was a good one and it got complimented. Aside to paprika soup for Wednesday Soup, I have made a quark cake with dried prunes and raisins in it, (That one I post more often on here.) and I donated that for  the afternoon coffee moment. Somehow I felt I did what I could to brighten up a gloomy day at a community centre specialized in care for mental people. I got compliments all afternoon but somehow it was a bit too much. I turned all red and exhausted and had to take my rest for the next hour after having one cup off coffee and a slice off my cake since I felt like I had been buisy all day. Sometimes taking count off being a mental patient myself is a bit hard. It was, however, a good day for me on a lot off fronts. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good evening at the 8th off November, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's cold with here and there a rain shower. It's mainly autumn weather today, including leaves on the ground everywhere. 

*

Today was for Monday Grocery shopping. Aside from the main stuff I need to do outside, I mainly stay in most off the time. There's no place like the comfortzone off my own home. 

I went to the dentist last week, I have no holes in my teeth. I brush regulairly and I happen to brush well. There's still that issue with bleeding gums I actually have to toothpick more. But I'm a coward and making my gums bleed by having to pick the rot out off it is a step too far for me. I should, I should. Something in me tells me I could try it. It's necessairy to do so in my case, and the dentist has warned me several times already. It seems like I need to, and that's going to be my stick behind the door to 

-try-. 

Not much positive happened in the baking section. I happen to own a mold in the shape off a castle. I gave it to myself as a present for my birthday this year. I tried to make a chocolate bundt cake in it, but it got stuck in it and I had to be creative with what came out off it. I made a regulair looking chocolate cake with ganache and chocolate sprinkles in a springform with it. I loathe that. I have an inner perfectionist who is kinda hurt by all off this. Next time I'm going to try better, but I blew up on the batter to begin with. I forgot the flour and the baking powder while the batter was already inside the mold,  so I had to put the batter back into the bowl, add the flour and such and then put it back in the mold. I had greased and cocoa'd the mold ahead, (When one makes chocolate bundt, you have to use cocoa powder instead off flour over your grease which is preferably a butter of some sort.) but it got wrong this way and it's not a result I wish to show on the internet. I set myself a step back, and I'm going to try baking again with more easy stuff untill I feel comfortable enough to make chocolate bundt in the shape off a castle again. I could try a diffrent mold to practice first. However, my confidence got such a blow, I rather try some basic receipes and things I have been making over and over again first before I even wish to get myself to such a big project again. I'm a perfectionist at times. First things first, babysteps before I can walk. 

I ordered mugs from 'Natuurmonumenten.' A nature protection organisation in the Netherlands. I had the idea whispered in by a voice in my head. Sometimes it's a bit weird, but voices can have perfect ideas. Those mugs are just gorgeous to look at, and I do well by supporting a nature protection organisation. I had that idea myself first, but the voice supported me to do so instead off only thinking and I somehow agreed. There are so many people out there just talking, while they should be doing something for this world. I love the stuff 'Natuurmonumenten.' has to offer on their site. So it's going to be my first action for nature protection once they deliver my mugs in time. If they are reliable, I'm willing to buy more off their nice stuff. I felt somewhat off a positive rush that night after doing this. 

The rush to do well for this world sometimes feels so sacred, so intense and I love how it feels. I call it 'Sacred fire.' or 'Holy fire.' (Heilig vuur.) I don't know how to explain this to someone who has never experienced it before. It's a drive, a passion- It could chase a demon out off it's hollow and it's something that can't be compared to something else. It's positive. I can see myself doing more for this kind off charity. 

I could kick people out off their own cave and preach they should do more for charity- but that just doesn't work for most and we have all seen that kind off stuff before. It's not my style to confirm people to have a heart for the world. It's something I hope they find out themselves. I understand people clamping you with things about 'donate' and 'buy to support.' can be even seen as something rude and I compare it to be clamped in the streets by some sort off a religious or charity related organisation. Most people don't like that. If 'Natuurmonumenten.' has proven to be reliable, I can post a link to their site, however. And you can see for yourself. I'm not some sort off messenger from something divine. I'm just an ordinairy tut with a holy fire burning inside her to do something for this world. Make a diffrence, Purchase fancy tableware! 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.      

    

Mourning feels like it's over - as far as that goes.

 Good evening everyone, 

The sky is clear, the evening is cold. It's time for some silly story untold. 

*

I had a long period off time, starting around 2018, where I was in mourning over things that happened in life and life in general. I somehow feel a bit better now. I don't know why. Probably something inside has caught up on me living a peacefull life in a safe home without a lot off trouble and finally understood it was done with all nastyness from behind years. It took me 4 years. 4 long years off getting over with that grief. I mourned and felt sad in general. 

It's clearing up inside my head when it comes to sad feelings. I have grown about 30 kilograms these years from both medication and loving to eat. Combined with depression (Food soothes.) it worked lame on my figure. 

I'm becomming vain again, or more to say: aware that I would like my face to be groomed and my body to be clean. It doesn't require make-up at all, but a face that's no longer at half point seven before I go out the door, and cleanliness is next to godliness- I believe in it again. I wish for something I don't have to be ashamed off and can show up with in public. Depression made me ignore hygiene but I wish to look and feel clean and taken care off again. I'm not going to make it a lifestyle to be unwashed. 

Today I helped with the dessert at dinner time at de Boed. They are no longer allowed to give us anything but yoghurt and fruit for dessert. It's up to them how to fill that in. I helped the person who made dessert by preparing applepie filling without sugar but sweetened with honey. It was a good dessert combined with yoghurt and as far as this goes, it requests more creativity from staff to make fruit and yoghurt a good match than 'vla.' or pre packed ice cream cones.. We had someone giving us Greek yoghurt with honey and walnuts for dessert- A beloved classic. I was a bit weary off the idea, but now I'm rather fond off the way people fill it in. Healthy yet tasty, I'm pro now. Today I baked them apples brought to taste with spices and honey in the oven and let them serve it with yoghurt for sunday dessert. (No sugar adjusted.) The entire building smelled amazing and it was a good idea. 

I have plans for a next 'level up.' But that probably requires expensive fruits I can make some sort off mosaic from. I've seen that idea somewhere: A woman cutting two shades off dragonfruit, mango and kiwi in almost cut teal like shards and dolling up tarts with it as if it where a mosaic. We could do something alike with our desserts. But as far as expensive goes- I just can think off 'peaches.' But I suppose they're out off season in October. 

Maybe baked plums out off the oven, or fruits brought to a point where they reveal juices to mix with the yoghurt when adjusted to a bowl would be a good idea. Stewed pears would be magical, but they're eaten here as a part off the main dish at times. I wonder if I'm allowed granola or muesli and build up a see through cup with layers off fruit, yoghurt and muesli for the idea off a parfait. So far, fresh peaches with a squeeze off honey would be perfect and to my personal taste. But I have to work with what's on hand now. I have the feeling yoghurt with fruit does well to everyone on diffrent levels, and is much better than ice cream cones all the time.  

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 24th off October, 2021.

Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny yet cold and it wasn't such a bad day for a Sunday in Autumn. 

*

I coloured an image from a colouring book for adults some weeks ago, and today it's time to show it to the world: 

It's something I found at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk among their colouring books, and I coloured it in with their pencils. Sometimes talent/ skills don't need expensive materials to work out well. I colour with what I can find at de Boed most off the time. I think it looks bright, lively and it has it's way with depth I always adjust to images like this. It's a fun way to spend an afternoon, and it helps while you have to deal with issues in psychiatric health. Like I have explained before. Mandala's and colouring books are everywhere at those places. They like to keep you buisy / set off your mind that way. Somehow it works, and along the way I became a bit more skilled in coulouring. (I'm in psychiatric health for 10 years next year.) I wrote my name on it so the image in that public colouring book was obviously mine and people understood I wanted to come back to it later. It's not very sensible to do so, but my work survived and I finished it. 

I finished another work lately but that became runny (I used markers on it) since I spilled water on it. I'm not content with it either so I probably won't show you. It's been a pity waste to have been onto that. 

Today was for walnut-coffee cake with the right amount off coffee in it, and not spoiled on the floor like with the previous one. I handed it out to de Boed and people loved it during coffee time. They always ask me to publish a cookbook, but I'd probably get in trouble with copyright for that. I just have my receipes from cookbooks and authors I don't want to fight with. I mainly don't come up with them myself, I only practice them pretty well most off the time. I don't have a picture off it, because it looked like my first attempt. I even served it on the same plate. It just tasted a bit more moist and coffee-like.

 Like this. 

My receipe comes from the book Masterclass Cakes- Rutger van den Broek  

(In Dutch only)

I should hand them (Those who request all the time) out where to find my receipes. I don't want to get in trouble for stealing. 

Tomorrow is for grocery shopping. This week will be Halloween. It's not something old fashioned old people who are easily set off are fond off, so de Boed will probably let it pass in silence. It's never been a thing in the Netherlands untill recently. I wish to take note off it, however- I would like to bake something Halloween like and dress up as a pretty looking Witch for that day. I don't know how the others will react and I have to dig up my costume from moving boxes. I talked it over with staff and they thought it was fine with them to do something for Halloween so I moved some off the younger staff to do something with it.. I'm singing 'Halloween Halloween Halloween ween ween Halloween ween ween Halloween ween ween.' out loud in my own home all the time, and I feel like I want to do something with it. (To be continued.)   

Mentally I could do better. I have side delusions most off the time in the evening just before medication and they often find me a bit on the mad side at the medication office. I believe I have a bit off a hand on myself as long as I notice. But it's hard and being tired makes it even harder to keep a hand on myself when it comes to mental problems. It's more easy to loose grip. I decided to take a whole Lorazepame again instead off skipping a half and trying to build off medication. It doesn't work for me to stay stable without medication these days. I don't know what my problem is. Maybe I'm just doing hard 'just because' these days. I have no clear reason for it. Life in autumn is cold and tiresome. It's nice and cozy but people's system have to work harder these months to keep on track. And then there is that stupid nasty feeling in my head which sometimes comes up and makes me dizzy with madness and then fades. 'something.' doesn't work well and it's hard to explain. (To staff. It's hard explaining them what exactly my problem is but it's a feeling inside my head close to some sort off a cramp.) I've had this for years and it's not easy living with it. I wish to grow at least 90 years off age, but sometimes it feels so hard I doubt I might live the next morning. It's hard to believe I might grow even 50 with it but I don't want to insist on scary things like that to my readers in every post as that is not nice to be pointed at all the time. I want to grow old, don't understand me wrong. My quality off life is still very good despite having this issue. It's still fun to be around. It's just not easy. It's probably uneasy to hear me complaining about this all the time but I have no other way to describe it: 'Hard in my head and it feels like I'm going to die.' 

Tomorrow might be for more content, 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

 

I may seem lucky, but I have to suffer each day

 Good evening everyone, 

Autumn and cold are a fact these days in the Netherlands, it's just that I hope there will be snow this year. Not for too long, but a small blizzard here and there won't be a bad thing in January or February. It makes being in your home a cozy thing. 

*

The market for homes for starters is overflowing with people who can't have a starter home, and even more so- with refugees who are fled from a war country and now are begging for us to take them in. And here I am, fat, handicapped, unemployed me who has a small flat and all basic needs in order. It might seem unfair to you and even jealouse making- but I suffer from Schizophrenia and this is protected living, both for my own good and for those in the outside world I don't want to hurt. Hell breaks loose if I have to live life all by myself and I just can't do it. I take heavy medicines and if I'm not a drugged zombie, I'm an agressive werewolf out off controll so for safety sake I have to be here. 

Who could have expected that our modern world would ever go this insane? My standard off living, Jealouse making towards others? Mother off God, You won't believe it. Sick as a dog, poor and filthy, on an income that doesn't fluctuates with the market. If the market for homes ever gets better, you might look at yourselves and think: 'Have I been jealouse off this all the time?' And your life will probably be a thousand times better than mine, income, living, family, friends and relationships, property- everything. And I will still be the poor idiot I've always been. So don't be jealouse but strengthen your back. I'm not how you want it to be after all. That's not realistic. The market for homes is not realistic and it changes by periods off time. 

It's hard but I still believe someone who has to spend their lives with their parents untill 50 is better off than me. I suffer each evening during dinner time with fellow clients from their fights and bad foods. I have to live carefully each day and I keep distance from potential friends and love to keep myself and them from getting hurt. I have my freedom and my own place, but I have to bleed for it on another level. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 20th off October, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold, gloomy and cloudy and it's a thing to notice that it's still officially Autumn in the Netherlands. The only diffrence with summer is the temperatures. Aside from rainy it happens to be cold. 

*

I have to take half a Lorazepame extra each evening to keep myself from getting out off my mind. I felt too unstable to continue medication enlowering. My face and body look somewhat blown up because it's fattening and makes you look like you have no emotions at all, but everything is better than to continue the way it was previous time. With a little luck and green tea I try to re-liven my face. Sometimes it's all liquid that piles up in your body thanks to anti-psychoticums. I bet I won't get rid off my troubles, though. It's a good idea to stay hydrated and keep body fluids flowing, however. But this may sound a bit gross to some. 

I think somewhere I stopped to care- about my face, my skincare, my hair, I don't do much anymore to keep myself looking - acceptable.-  except from basic hygiene and the most necessairy. I'm lucky we have a volunteer beauty expert at de Boed who cuts my hair, but the way I take care off it - doesn't help making me pretty on a daily base. I only wash and brush. It's a bit shamefull to rant about this. The good news I can share with you all out there, is that I've taken interest in bold coloured, nice looking socks. Happy Socks from the nation's cheapest provider in all kinds off textiles but I. Love. Them. 

If a forum requests 'what kind off socks do you wear?' I won't answer with the standard cliché off 'plain black socks.' No Mister. I wear my socks pretty and loud. It was one off the standard cliché questions on plenty off Fantasy Internet Fora back in the day. 'What colour are your socks?' Maybe I'm this fanatic about it because off that. The bolder and the prettier printed the better. Today is for blue socks with festive dots in diffrent colours, and lighter blue coloured toes and heels. Oh woe the witch that dares to destruct my Happy Socks. Happy Socks, Happy Feet- Socks are a relief to cold feet in autumn and winter. (Available at Zeeman.) 

So, I look a bit ungroomed, except for my nice socks. I'm comming to think off the song 'Don't step on my Blue Suede Shoes.' By Elvis because off them. I wear my socks in basic black walking shoes, suitable for any occasion and long walks. 

So, I wear fancy socks and I drink pretty expensive green tea a lot. I'm also still a soup chef every week. Today's Wednesday Soup was for Tomato Soup with meatballs from cookbook 'de Soepbijbel' (The Soup Bible) which turned out looking more orange than a nice tomato shade off red. But nevertless got appreciated by my audience. I roasted my tomatoes before adjusting them. That's the big high point off today. Preparing soup took a lot off energy so I took my rest for the rest off the day. I changed my shirt after soup making and then laid on my bed the rest off the day untill dinner. I have little energy due to medication.   

Life is hard. It gets by a bit boring but to keep on track without falling is a challenge on it's own. 

I lack inspiration for more news on this weblog, so that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.