Good afternoon at the 24th off January, 2022 (2)

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Right now the sky is cloudy and grey. It's very cold outside and I find it hard, despite being fat, to be outside for too long. I prefer inside warmth! 

*

I have been deciding for quite some time that I wanted to spend my day a bit better than getting out around 11.00 AM, and just having a large pot off coffee and going out only for dinner each evening and a short walk. I wanted to be a bit more active. This morning I have been setting my timer around 9.00 AM and got out a bit earlier to join Jewelry Making at monday morning at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. I made a necklace I offered to their small outlet. They are allowed to sell my work and it's always appreciated when I do so. 

My choice in materials tells me I'm still depressed, but I wanted to adjust a clear hint off colour so I added the large green beads to it. Most details are black, white and grey though. I can see it's made nicely though and people complimented me on it. It's been a good start off the week. After jewelry making we had lunch and I went with grocery shopping with the van. 

Psychiatric health care told me it was better to be up around 8, highly 9 and take part off the day instead off sleeping in all the time and altering my day and night routine. They try to prevent in most people to do that and help them with it. If there's one thing they're weary off it's a good daytime routine in people. It's probably the reason why a lot off places for psychiatric patients have a morning coffee moment, amongside off other things to help us. It's important. If it was up to me I would sleep untill 11 and still be awake around midnight. I managed today to take care off my looks even. A doll up off whipped cream, a hint off mascara and even lipstick. I did my best today. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good afternoon at the 24th off January, 2022. (1)

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cold and cloudy and it's still January but there is light at the end off the tunnel. Restrictions will be softened untill almost none anymore. Such a relief for this entire country. 

*

First off all I would like to share some pictures off the nice present I gave myself to cope with Blue Monday. The 15th off January, it's Dutch National Tulip day so to soften the edges off something sharp, I purchased myself some tulips and I have a lot off pictures off them. I loved how they grew and how beautifull they became in my vase. 

Warning: Picture drop off the same subject. I have a lot off pictures and this weblog is the perfect place to put all my attemps in photography on. 

 

I somewhat love taking pictures off flowers in nice vases. They lend themselves well for photography. I had 7 in the main vase, and then sacrificed 3 on my small altair for the good gods, to show gratefullness about the previous year. I happen to have a small altair in my home. The flowers have already bloomed and are thrown away but They kept me mentally alive previous week. 

I have even better news I'm going to share with you in my next weblog for today. These pictures where taken during diffrent days and show diffrent stages off growth off tulips. Photographing them was fun. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 22st off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been cold, but I haven't set a step outside. It's grey and cloudy and cold. 

*

Today was for Monopoly and mocha cake with my family. I feel well today and I don't know why. The company, probably- I feel lonesome a lot at home. My parental home feels more cozy most off the time. I have spend quite some weekends here this period and it feels better than being on my own. This evening will be for pancakes. 

Winter and cold isn't over soon, I feel a bit stuck in life. I feel well this evening and I should be glad all is well tonight and I'm in my parental home instead off being lonesome in my own flat. Most off all, I have slept well tonight. Something I don't do every day. 

Warning, a long story about baking cookies: 

I have books with receipes for about 50 cookies up to 70 sometimes. de Boed would probably be glad with that amount. It's quite a lot. I feel inspired to bake jam filled cookies. Known as thumbprint cookies. But I'm probably going to start with their sand cookies. 50 sand cookies and I'm not going to care wheter they're ugly. I could make it easy on myself and do twice the alphabet. That makes about 50 if I do it well. 50 and a few more. (26 letters in the alphabet makes 52 if I do it spare)The receipe comes from the cookies bible (de Koekjesbijbel) by my baking hero Rutger van den Broek who has more books about baking. 

Thanks to that book I have heard off the cookiegun. A tool in the shape off a gun which ' shoots' cookies in fun shapes from it's tip. It's pricey and I have no money this month for such a thing but it's always good to be informed about such fun equipments in your field off hobby. It's on my wishlist, aside to being capable to handle a pipingbag to learn more shapes to bake than what I can cut out with cutters. But it's probably a month to try things with cutters I already own first. Sandcookies are a nice try for this cookbook. I think de Boed won't be less thankfull for that. I'm probably a bit boring about baking cookies, but it's something I like to do every often. 

I also had peanutbutter cookies on my mind. I was talking about how it's a bit weird for Americans to put peanutbutter in everything as a flavor, but for cookies it might do. I was wondering if it would go well with white chocolate and the peanutbutter being with whole peanuts in it. The cookie might become a bit too dense when I do that. Then I had some doubt. I have never tried peanutbutter cookies before and I might get de Boed stuck with 50 peanutbutter cookies nobody likes. That would not be a good thing. I think peanutbutter is a bit weird as a pastry filling made to some sort off a cream, but on bread I eat it a lot lately. That's where my appetite for peanutbutter cookies comes from. I think I'm going to half the receipe for a trial first, and then see if they are to my liking. I will hand out most to de Boed, I'm not going to eat all off them myself. I think peanutbutter cookies are not to everyone's liking. It's worthit a try, however. Maybe I can get them to taste so they will be liked after all. 

I have no ambition to be working a job in the field off baking. People at de Boed often suggest me to do so but it's going to be too much and I already know. I like to keep it on a hobby scale. I have no ambition to become famous with it but it's fun and it's appreciated. I enjoy it when people enjoy it. It's the best reward I can get from what I do. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.                   

Good afternoon at the 22st off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is misty and cold. It's the perfect weather for comfy sweaters.  

The sign off Capricorn got exchanged for Aquarius yesterday and it's still winter. The sun is in Aquarius untill February. 

*

It's not one off those days where I feel exhausted often. I have energy and I feel allright when it comes to energy. I'm doing fine. Some days it's almost impossible to go forward, but today is not one off them. Maybe my Ladybug Guardian Angel still helps me, despite to have had some problems I thought I had lost some time ago. I seem to have renewed gut issues every often. And there's this one complaint I can't seem to remember but which also came back. Maybe the Ladybug is overworked and needs a little rest, it's winter and it's the time where ladybugs have their hibernation. It's a miracle he is still alive after a few years as ladybugs only seem to become 2 years off age if they're lucky. I just think I should be gratefull for a Guardian Angel sometimes dressed as a ladybug to help me. It's getting strange on this maffo weblog, right? But Ladybug Guardian Angels do their work well- so they need to be mentioned every often.  

This weblog happens to be the 300th weblog on here ever since I started this version off my blog a few years ago. It's a statement to write this each time so I keep on continueing. Despite not many people seem to read it. I think I do good with it so far. 

Yesterday I have seen such a hilarious movie on Disney + called 'Soul' by pixar. If you are spiritual and can take some things with a limb off salt about it and you want a good laugh, (And you happen to have a Disney + subscription) I can recommend it. It's a sweet movie with a (spoiler) happy ending and I like the benefits off Disney +. If my devices where up to date, I might have asked for it myself at home. I love what movies you can watch on that. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

 

  

 

Good evening at the 21st off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold with here and there some clouds. We've made it through quite a January this year. It's not over yet but winter feels heavy this year. Previous year, almost 15 people from Gortershof have died. Off old age mainly. Sometimes I have the feeling the air in my appartment sizzles from old women who fought each other at live and keep on doing so after they're death. I hope all their souls will find peace, however.  

*

I'm at my parental home to celebrate my dad's birthday. I thought I would never make it through this week. I had a hard time with sleeping issues and just it's general dullness. I don't have much money to spend or things on hand, and all I do is sit in my living room and drink coffee or tea, and write my weblog and watch YouTube video's. That's what I mainly do when I'm on myself. This Blue Week couldn't have stand out more in it's blueness. Little money to get by, only a course on psycho education about my disease this week, bad sleep and my dad's birthday which will never be the same since he died and the cold weather.  

Today I went to my mom's by train. I think it was good for me to have something to do today. I liked the small journey by train and bus to get at my point off arival. It's something to be capable to say something small like that feels like a nice adventure. There's not much I do in a week. I decided today to put on a yellow knitted sweater with a turtle neck which is very comfy. It's almost too loud for me but it's so nice and soft to wear. Loud sweaters are one off the best things in winter.  

Yesterday evening I had a terrible attack in my head. It felt like a screw got turned inside my head and I was doing hard with that feeling. I couldn't set it off. It was about that man who abandoned me for someone else. I loathe him for all that he is and I have probably always hated him as soon as he bragged about me being a whore for never wanting him. The rumors about me are not true. It felt like an incredible attack and it was hard to get it out off my head as it's an attack off anxiety I usually have about it. People don't know I'm fighting huge fears when it comes to this subject. I have been slutshamed to my bones by Vana Events over nothing. In a day and time where that is less and less acceptable, I think you have the right to know. The fears I'm still fighting are awfull but with some help from care staff I could set it off yesterday but I was doing hard. They have no respect for my dignity and what they do to me is just awfull. I have never been a whore or a slut but it's what they always adress me for being right. 

This evening is not an evening for poverty and despair. I'm not alone and we'll have ordered pizza this evening. Something I don't have every day. Tomorrow we'll have coffee with a slice off mocha cake and I'll come round this week. I'm low on money, but lucky on sources to help me this week. And the handsoap just smells good. So it was worthit.   

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.          

Good afternoon at the 20th off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today the sky is clear but it's windy and cold. Branches are empty and the sun shines today despite it being on the cold side. 

This week we had a beautifull full moon over cold and lonely yet romantic looking Zaandijk. 

*

Combined with the silver candle I'm burning for New Year's luck (It's quite a candle, I have been burning it for about three weeks now, but the year hasn't even started properly yet.) It's probably a good sign it's been full moon this week. 

My father would have been 69 this year, and I have been thinking what I would have given him for his birthday at 18 January. I haven't been baking something since I felt lame and the official memorial will be held this weekend since my brothers and I had no time during week days. So to say, I had time after all but I thought I wouldn't have it. I couldn't sleep so I had to call off Wednesday Soup and my appointment with mental health care was forgotten by my care taker. I could have came home to celebrate but my brothers probably didn't have time. I had time, however, to mourn a bit this week. I had space for myself and a few tears and I hope dad will forgive me I was a bit sad about it and my head was a mess instead off celebrating something. This year it will be 10 awfull years since he died. Life has been rough for me ever since. I'm glad I had a lot off understanding from neighbours and fellow clients who told me it's normal to feel lame for a few days around this time off the year for me, and that it will come back each year around such dates. 

Sleeping has been terrible. I sleep one day and the next I won't. This night I had a good rest whatsoever since I went to bed very early and I had some time overthinking issues and handling things I had trouble with. Yesterday I polished my nails like I had actually planned for Blue Monday. It was that thing I was about to make me feel a bit better. It's just that I could finally set myself to it yesterday. I have polished with 04 Millenial Pink by Essence. A very pale pink.

    

I usually don't advertise for stuff but it's mainly to show you what I have used. If I was Oprah Winfrey, people would en masse buy this shade off nailpolish and it would be a trend these months. Unfortunately for the make-up brand, I'm just a nobody with a weblog on the internet. It's always a good thing to stay realistic about yourself and not walk beside your shoes. 

Aside from nail polish, life has been a bit rough these weeks. I have sleeping issues and things felt a bit hard upon my shoulders these holiday months. I'm afraid I'm among those mental issued with troubles in their mind around the holidays. Like a lot off fellow clients. It's such a common thing in psychiatric health care but I was capable to shove it off for a few years but now I'm like most off them. I feel a lot better today to be better rested than yesterday, though. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 17th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was water cold as how they call that, It's been cold with clouds changing with clear skies, it's still January today. 

*

My Blue Monday didn't go as planned. First off all previous night I thought I was about to die. I was fighting something that almost choke me and it took hours to fight it off. I had blurred visions about my family comming to get me and something in my chest felt wrong. I promissed you somewhere I wouldn't write too often about that feeling off dying in the evening or thinking I'm about to die because it happens a lot when you have to take heavy medication combined with a brain issue. That was the first issue today, I got hastily out off bed around 4.30 a.m without any sleep, scrolling through my cookbooks since I desperately wanted to bake de Boed a treat for tomorrow. (My dad's birthday but he has died in 2012) Then I decided to go back to bed and try to get some sleep. I was out off bed before 10 A.M so it was a broken night. I decided then I was about to bake something diffrent than what I had been planning at night and I'm going to do it tomorrow for my fellow clients. I made myself fried eggs with bacon on bread from a left over from this weekend and then decided to go grocery shopping and having lunch at de Boed. Consisting slices off bread with peanutbutter and chocolate sprinkles, and a glas off milk.  

Well, at least my breakfast was a succes. I had a talk with a care taker about what I was going through and luckily she was understanding this afternoon. I went for grocery shopping with the van and got provided a little help from our health care staff to do it since I was tired when being at that. After groceries I went home to rest a few hours but I couldn't sleep. Then I went storing groceries at their place, had some rest here and burning a candle and incense and photographing that beautifull present I gave myself this weekend. It's how the day went by mainly untill dinner. Which wasn't so bad. A brocoli stamp with tomato sauce and vegetarian meat siding it, topped with graded cheese and pine tree nuts. (We have a new care taker who is vegetarian who cooks for us every monday. She cooks vegetarian for us.) And rum raisin vla for dessert. (Vla is some sort off a thin custard mainly eaten in the Netherlands for dessert. The people at de Boed are most fond off rum raisin.) For de Boed, that is not bad. 

I had just an ordinairy day like most off the time, including bad sleep. Nothing special happened, except for some laundry being done. Tomorrow I will finish the laundry. This evening is for snacking on fruits and drinking green tea. Nothing is sacred, except for sleep, I swear. 

And that's how Blue Monday 2022 went by somewhere in the middle off good or bad. Every Christmas has a Blue Monday. But what does this day teach me? Not to take note too much off it probably, or I might call upon some bad omen to take place that day. It brings bad luck to plan something fun to soften the edges. At least for me today it does. If it wasn't for the food, today would suck. Maybe next time it's good to let it pass by instead off taking advantage off fate.

Allright, tomorrow will be for applepie with almonds, golden raisins and dried prunes with my selected cookie spices for de Boed. I have been thinking that combination out this New Year's eve and it's something small I can do for tomorrow. 

That's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good evening at the 16th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone. 

Today was cold and grey outside. The main lockdown is off our shoulders, but it´s still cold outside today. 

*

I have been celebrating yesterday with something I'm going to show you soon. Something nice to look at for myself to celebrate the relief we are in and simply because I wanted to celebrate something yesterday. I went out and bought something. 

Warning: Rant. 

I have to be a bit more sober with my money, however, and tomorrow will be international Blue Monday. The mainly feared third monday after the holidays. Usually a day off international depression. I think most shops on the other hand, will celebrate tomorrow for being allowed to be open again. Corona infections are shooting through the roof but the government can't do anything anymore about it. I wanted to try to avoid the Blue Monday blues this year like I usually try  with something fun tomorrow. I'm not capable to spend money on special items or bake something for tomorow, so I suppose I will have to deal with the usuall Monday Grocery blues at the local supermarket. Unlike what people might say about me, I'm not a spoiled brat with an acces to endless money. So I have to take it economical after a period off shopping some basic needs (And a few cookbooks) online.

It would be lame if they'd launch the dessert bible this week. There's no space in my bank account's universe for that now. I have to wait untill next month and this evening I had to eat spinach sided by a hard boiled egg with boiled potatoes and a schnitzel on sunday, alongside fellow patients due to being poor, but that makes me almost a common person. Tomorrow will be Blue Monday for me just like for everybody. It will probably be my punishment for purchasing a discount amount off handsoap previous week. But sometimes, we have to spend a little money to keep our lives safe and sound. 

I'm not rock bottom and I have savings off things so I can give it an attemps in giving it a tiny little extra to make it throughout the day aside from grocery shopping. But that's for tomorrow. I'd better be gratefull the spinach was good to taste this evening. And that's where we leave it or it might get annoying for you to read how I bale about my personal poverty this evening.

Blue Monday, I'm going to try to fight you. I'm alongside so many souls this month who are poor and have to be sober. That doesn't mean I can't lighten it a bit for myself by treating myself a bit with what I do have. I have small plans about it. 

I have no inspiration to write you any more than this. So- 

That's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

     

Good evening at the 14th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

This night is cloudy with chances to see the moon. It's not as cold as yesterday but it's still winter. 

*

The most extreme lockdown is put off off our shoulders. It's due to infection numbers increasing a terrible lot and the government fearing society can get out off controll if we keep on being in lockdown. A lot off basic things will re-open. I'm relieved. I hope it's not a bad thing. People have to live with Corona from now on and the government hopes for the best since Omikron isn't as sickening as they thought. 

It's something to celebrate. The main lockdown is off tomorrow and I'll be capable to buy a cake for the memorial off my father's birthday at HEMA's next week. Something I almost feared I couldn't do but something simple like that can take place. I'm tired and I hope I can sleep better from now on. A voice in my head told me I can take a break tomorrow and get some rest. I believe I deserve that. I'm a bit wobbly inside today. I hope for a medicine against Corona. That would be the best solution. But I better don't be a negative nancy about being freed from the lockdown. It's a good thing to feel free to breathe again for society as we need that these days. 

I felt down a week ago, I feel a bit cheered up this week. This has been a good week for me when it comes to mood. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.

Good afternoon at the 14th off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Yesterday was pretty foggy. When I walked to course from the bus stop to the location, I could oversee such mystic / misty looking meadows on the otherside off the railroad at the other side off the road. It was a hauntingly pretty sight. Aside from crisises, this lockdown is also clouded in fog these days. Today seems less foggy. In the evening yesterday the entire terrain from de Boed and Gortershof seemed a bit clouded in fog and it's not a large space. Today is still cold and grey outside but most fog faded. It's weather and time off date to wear your most comfy sweaters and make yourself feel warm with tea and other hot drinks like cocoa at home when you don't have to go out. 

*

Yesterday, my hunt on bargain cookbooks arrived. It seems I have set myself to it two days ago instead off just mocking at my couch. I have a lot off inspiration and receipes extra to choose from. I believe I did well with bargain hunting online. Life feels good when you can treat yourself to something new every now and then. It's a range off series that goes by the title '500 ' ' ' like '500 cookies, 500 cupcakes, 500 chocolate receipes, 500 cake receipes.' and so on. It's not been pricey to purchase a few off these. I'm waiting for '500 desserts.' to arrive and all off them have only been around 10 euro's each. It was quite some money alltogheter, but I have bought a lot for that price. 

Trees are empty, the weather is cold and we're still in a crisis. It's quite a January this year. Russia is controlling our gas feed and it's about to become a serious threat. If it already isn't. Gas prices have increased this year and I feel with a lot off poor people who can't afford groceries and energy anymore these months. How unfair is that? Supermarket prices have increased due to it being a crisis and energy being pricey. I feel with people. I'd better be gratefull there are Brussel sprouts on the menu this evening. I have no power to control current economics but I can feel pity for the poor. Not that they are helped with it, but what else is there left to do? Situations like this are a breeding place for more tragedy and war sometimes. World War II also had a crisis in advance to it. (The economic crisis in the 1930's) I hope they can manage to discuss the situation in Ukraine and prevent something truly terrible from happening. 

History repeats itself sometimes. I believe I shouldn't go mad about the subject as I already have been fearing a war a lot off times. I feel calm when it comes to that, as if I have prepared myself time and time over about a fate that might happen. It's probably a matter off surviving as it might lay ahead off us and people can't afford losing their mind when that happens. It's the mindset off someone who has been used to poverty and crisis time and time over. Stay calm and do what is needed at a time. More than that we can't do. I'm probably safe when it comes to it. Except if Russia is going to launch something nuclear on Europe when it gets terrible. I don't even fear that. death is death and it's not much off a problem to me. I rather be alive and do fun things, I don't have a death wish but I would have peace with it if I died due to something out off my control. Don't worry about the day off tomorrow, as every day has enough off it's own evil.  

Speaking off which, this evening there will be another speech on TV from our prime minister about enlowering restrictions next week. It's a good thing if this country can breathe fresh air again. Omikron isn't as dangerous as they thought. We're lucky with it. I just hope it will work out in the future. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.            

Good afternoon at the 12th off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cold and cloudy but there´s no rain today. There was sparkly white frost on the gras this morning, however. The dew had frozen and turned the gras mat at Gortershof into a pretty sight. 

*

I'm exhausted from getting barely any sleep. I think by now we could speak off fatigue. A condition where you can't sleep no matter how tired you are and it's linked to mental illnesses. I'm just not certain about it. 

Despite being exhausted, I managed to cook a perfect pot off Brocoli Courgette soup this morning for Wednesday Soup. I have made plans some time ago, but I didn't stick to what I have come up with previous month. I'm spontaneous. I befriend people with mild autism easily but not at that point. So today was for Brocoli Courgette and next week will be for Surinamese Peanut soup. I'm glad I didn't hand out my plans previous month to de Boed. Soup making gave me positive energy this morning. I could use that and the entire lunch crowd enjoyed their soup. It's such a rewarding thing to do. 

Wabi-Sabi. The Japanese art off enjoying the imperfection and decay on items, objects and in nature. Something came to my mind: What if people would practice Wabi-Sabi on people's faces more often? Appreciate flaws and aging instead off being grosed out by it. You'd get away with pimples, wrinkles, dark cirkles and what not. Those pimples on my forehead? A perfect example off nature's imperfection and therefore a form off art. Maybe people would be less jerks if they'd practice this ancient Japanese wisdom on each other's faces more often. It's just a thought. I'd be dishonest if I would say I like all faces. I have my preferences on people and not all imperfections - severe acne for example- is beauty in my opinion. I'd advocate for a way off thinking that let people be themselves, however. And which might lead to self- acceptance.  

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 11th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today the sky was clear with a grey cloud here and there. It's a bit off a diffrence with autumn but it's freezing cold outside. There's no rain, however. 

*

Some time ago, I should have mentioned it on here, I purchased expensive skin cream at night, while I couldn't sleep. One day time, one night time. The next morning I believed I did something delusionally stupid. But cold as the winter goes, it's a good purchase against winter face. It's anti-aging while I'm still having pimples here and there. The cold, cold winter however, makes it something worthit the splurge. Often I'm more responsible with money. But for now- Let it snow, let it snow, so my feelings off guilt- can go! Haha. 

Most off the time, I'm an economic thinking Dutch woman. With little money to spend, and it's no behaviour in times off crisis to start to believe in the magic off beauty products. It's a harsh period, however. But these products give me a little joy each time I use them. I need that. 

I make sure it's not tested on animals as I refuse to use cruelty products and it's a brand that cares for the environment. I still use my christmas mascara and lipstick regulairly. A little skin cream and mascara here and there won't hurt anyone in my opinion. It's not as if I use too much off a good thing. It's not been economic and responsible and it's been pricey. But maybe I should stop feeling guilty as it's a thing that has already happened and care staff mainly approves off me taking good care off how I look. I validate their opinion in it, as I think it's a good thing then. 

I can still drink a pot off tea each evening and I can still eat (at de Boed) each day. The magic off beauty helps me with my winter depression this month. So I suppose it's not something to feel guilty about. 

This evening is for my weblog, a pot off green tea and to have discussed with care staff about changing my mind on switching medication. I won't as it's selling tubers for lemons as far as I can see it. summarized I simply won't. 

I'm open for enlowering one off my medications, as the psychiatrist suggested, however. As I see how much damage it does if I might stay on this amount. Previous summer, enlowering another medicine didn't work for me and I had to be back on the full amount this autumn. I felt too unstable for that. 

I'm open for enlowering a bit, and I'm a bit on my guard with it on the other hand. Enlowering medication makes me unstable and sensitive for delusional thinking- which has lead to dangerous and stupid things in the past. I have been stable for a while, however. So I can get the psychiarist's point off vieuw. It's not something I'm wishing to step into blindfolded, though. What's a girl to do? I think I have to discuss this well with everyone before taking that step. A little air to breathe would be nice, but I think enlowering medication can cause lethal drama if it goes wrong. 

Things I have mentioned I should have done but haven't: Hunting for cookbooks and baking more cookies while we're at a lockdown. I haven't been purchasing cookbooks for desserts and sweet stuff these days like I said, and I had hopes to bake de Boed cookies to set my mind off off things. But there was a power failure, I need to buy daily needs in times off crisis and I was in a personal crisis a few times these weeks. de Boed still has christmas cookies- I shouldn't feel guilty.  My nerves are finally getting a bit rest from the holidays these days. Meaning I finally sleep a bit better. Nothing is as sacred as sleep. Especially during this crisis. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good evening at the 10th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today the weather was cold but the sky was clear. An obvious sign off freezing in this country. It's been freezing cold the previous night, and cold this day. 

*

What could make a Corona crisis in a cold January month even worse? Not getting the flu, or a heartache. But a massive power failure taking place this afternoon, untill just a few minutes ago. The entire complex was pitch dark this evening and it was a crisis taking place inside a crisis today. I spend my time watching TV at de Boed with neighbours. It was not a bad evening since I could comment on the news with people who appreciated my opinion on it. And I wasn't alone. de Boed should do that more often. Not a power failure but a cozy evening watching the news alltogheter. de Boed had energy so far. 

The power failure could take place since something went leaking in the energy boot where our energy comes from. It was quite a stream and the boot had a small explosion. These are old appartments with old energy networks. It's not weird for something to take place like that. I'm glad it's helped off. 

We also had an angry neighbour,  agressive and drunk who was upset about de Boed having energy. I'm glad staff could scoop him off. But it wasn't a good sight. 

When it comes to food, this evening was for boiled potatoes, gravy, a kromeski and boiled haricots verts. Simple as a common dish can go.

Life can be like that. Sometimes it's the harsh truth off living to have things like a power failure going on. I can't say I took it as a hero. I was cranky while watching TV this evening. I'm glad my central heating works again this night and I won't be sleeping in the cold. That would be almost more than I can take. One can't always be brave. I'm more sensitive these days. I have my moments off not taking it either. I'm sorry to say. I'm glad I was surrounded by neighbours and care staff who did their job perfectly this evening.  

Allright, that's about it, I'll leave it there for tonight. - Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 9th off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is gloomy and cold. There is no rain but it's cold like a January should be. A cold January afternoon in a depressing lockdown. The only thing that could make it worse is a heavy flu and my darling telling me he's not interested in me. Both I could miss like headache and the last is something I avoid him for. 

*

Last year I've send the publisher off my beloved cooking bibles an e-mail with a suggestion. The dessert bible would be a perfect adjustment to their series. They told me they already had that in their planning for previous year November or December, but I haven't seen any so far. I would love a dessert bible. I love desserts and I love this cookbook series I have been fanatically collecting so far. It's just that I probably have to wait a bit longer for this cookbook. 

I'm still at my parent's house. But I think this evening is a good evening to hunt bargains online when it comes to cookbooks. I collect them. I feel like purchasing some when I'm back at home. At times when my friend who came over for dinner every often was still alive, I would arrange dinners just to try dessert receipes and she loved them. I had one even published in a women's magazine after making it according to their receipe about two years ago. In a land before time before Corona. 

I lost my friend and with her I lost opportunities to keep fancy dinners in my own home. I think I have to ask people who live at Gortershof (Probably some fellow clients I like) to come over for dinner if I feel the need to arrange something like that again. I would love to. Scrumptious desserts and good company- I miss it. 

Life has been hard on this aspect. I do hard making new friends I could invite over for dinner at times. I could ask care takers for suggestions on people. I rather don't invite men in my home. I prefer women because that feels more safe when I'm alone with them. A woman in these modern times should be on her guard when it comes to that and it's not over-acting. Care takers are always a good bet since I know they are good company and they enjoy my food. I could set those plans in motion after the lockdown is off our shoulders. - Will be continued. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good night at the 9th off January, 2022.

 Good night everyone, 

I don't know who reads this blog at such a time, but if you do- great you do so. 

*

The night is cold and rainy. I have slept a few hours before getting out off bed. I wasn't doing well after holding up some memories from 10 years ago. 10 years ago, I was at the peek off my strength- trying to get a career and I was good at what I was doing. If I wouldn't have become wrecked- I would have been a completely diffrent person. It ended all in tragedy after becoming delusional about Vana Events. I could have had it all by now. I'm still the loser everyone has always seen in me. I was thinking fullfilled with pride how I was at traineeship at the civil registration office more than 10 years ago, and then about Alkmaar and then something painfull - a panic attack-  hit me and I couldn't sleep anymore. 

I could have been so much diffrent than I am today if I could only have handled things back then. It was too much and things went shipwreck for me. Life's not fair most off the time for me. I barely feel sore over that anymore. It's just that this evening when I was in my bed it hit me. I have failed. It has been too much. Vana has been a drop in a full bucket and it wasn't good for me what they have caused. I have been down with anger for so long. No matter how much off a buddhist I want to be- forgiveness is still impossible for me at that point. They can play the role off victim, but that's not true. I suppose they haven't suffered the way I have done all those lame years. I have been using hurtfull words out off anger and pain. Not because I'm a bully. They have done more hurt to me than I probably have ever done to them and that is the truth. 

Something frightfull hit me this night and I couldn't take being in bed anymore. What do obese women wear at night? 

I'm wearing a purple longsleeve, and a matching purple pyjama pants 'till over my knees with panther print. Nothing naughty here as I can hear some off you thinking. But it's all innocent yet everyday fancy. 

I'm drinking home grown grape juice which tastes perfect. People in this country can grow grapes just fine / by the vine, due to it becomming warmer in this country. It's one off the best things to eat and drink fresh fruit and veggies from your own garden. It's healthy and if you love fruit and vegetables, also perfect for your tastebuds. Mom's husband grows grapes in his old backyard. His daughter lives there now and they harvest them every year. The fruit juice came out perfect and I'm afraid I'll drink the entire bottle. I'm afraid I'm at the last cup off the entire bottle, but I'll keep it at that otherwise I'm a bit off a gluton. They have a lot off bottles, but one is just fine / vine. *Cheers!* 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 8th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was gloomy, rainy and cold. I have been outside for pretty long since I was on the road for visiting my grandma. I have been soaked through by the rain today. 

*

Today was for visiting my almost 89 years old grandma with a pastry. She's still lively, modern and young in spirit but she's getting old. Still I'm glad I decided this summer to keep in touch with her more since she's precious and a nice old woman. I like visiting her. She loved the pastry I brought her. It's always good to visit grandparents and let them know you appreciate them every often. 

After seeing grandma I went to my parental home since that is in the same place. I got soaked from walking that route but I'm all dry again now after spending some time on the warm couch in front off watching TV. It was a buisy day but I'm not even tired, unlike most common days at Gortershof where I live. I suppose it was a good day. 

I felt like changing my medication to Haloperidole. A classic anti-psychotic medicine. but I'm changing my mind since it seems to cause depression and it's possible for people to stay fat. The main reason for me was because I wanted to loose weight, but seeing it's side effects made me change my mind. I want nothing that causes depression. That just wouldn't suit me. I feel bad already. I don't want to get into the circus off changing medication if it doesn't do good for me and doesn't change something. That's just not worthit.  

Love is sometimes a bit weird. When I felt all cold from waiting on the bus for an hour in the rain my faded old crush on 'Lars.' came back. Whenever I feel bad and in trouble, he creeps up in my mind and thinking off him kept me warm while waiting. Back in the land off the living, when the bus arrived at my destination and back on my feet at the bus stop, it faded off when I felt allright and safe again. It's gone for most off the time, but sometimes when I feel in despair it gets back a bit. I don't know why. I'm in love when I probably need a man around me. When I don't need someone- I'm fine and I suppose it's a delusion already. 

I changed my mind on changing medication. I could, however, try to enlower it a bit like the psychiatrist recommends and feel a bit more fit in the evening. I feel like I'm dying sometimes when I'm in my bed in the evening. It's -this- heavy for me at the moment. I don't know how I will react to it. Trying to lower Lorazepame wasn't much off a succes this summer. I felt unstable because off it and went entirely back to the old level before trying to quit. Causing me being tired and out off energy all the time in my normal ways. I get exhausted fast. 

My attemps in being more pretty goes well. I take more effort for myself ever since catching that depression in the neck and trying to throw it out. And it's fun. Most women, like me, love pretty make-up now and then and perfume behind their ears and the luxury off purchasing new items that work every now and then. (The look and feel off that luxury - Appearently I'm a true Leo after all- just does it. I don't want to be spoiled, but I just love the general feel off beauty items when they're packed so gorgeous and feel so luxurious. Perfect!)  

I must say perfume goes easier than make-up. I'm rather likely to spray perfume on every day than doing make-up. Today just wasn't for make-up but I have my nails done (With polish, not fake nails) , my hair looks better than before and I'm wearing grey pearl studs in my ears. My inside feels wrecked somehow, but my looks are fine today for me. If I wasn't fat from being a mental patient, I probably wouldn't have mind to have actually seen 'Lars. ' while waiting for the bus for an hour in the rain at Beverwijk station. 

No, I'm lying- I felt soaked and it probably wouldn't have been a good idea after all, but someday I hope I will look and feel all worthit for a crush again. Delusions form a crush sometimes. Love is an ilusion, but the painfull reality off having nothing at all in my life is even worse. I need that ilusion / delusion when the streetbricks I got mentally pushed on are cold, grey, hard and in general painfull. 

Feeling pretty and being pretty is just not there yet. But I'm on the good road towards it. Tonight is for sleeping over at my mom's and tomorrow I'll go back home. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

       

Good evening at the 5th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

This day was cold and gloomy, by the evening the sky went clear and we could see the moon. It's a tiny shard off it's surface tonight. The government was about to decide about our lockdown yesterday. Hospital intakes haven't increased, infection numbers have. What can we expect with this on our neck? Times are uncertain. 

*

This day was for applepie. A dressed up apple crumble pie for course tomorrow. It's not a course 'Stuff yourself untill you can't breathe anymore.' But a course on Psychiatric health given by the mental health service I fall under to educate young people who had delusions about their mental condition. I decided to take part previous year and I'm keeping up with it ever since October. Sometimes stuff gets delayed or courses are skipped to another date but that doesn't matter since I'm determined to learn about myself and what it contains to have psychosis and be schizophrenic. As far as that goes, it's a bit confronting but I decided I need this course and it's always good to learn about yourself. As the saying goes: 'Know thine self.' 

This apple crumble pie hopefully does well for my fellow course takers, staff who gives this course and maybe other staff from the location as I will give this to them to share if there's left for them. It's made with my self thought out mix off almonds, dried prunes, golden raisins, apples and cookie spices and some almond chives in the crumble mix on top. I needed this to set off my mind off things. As baking is my hobby. 

It would do well with a doll up off whipped cream, but unfortunately I don't have any. I suspect people will forgive me for that. I hope I can make their day with it tomorrow. I had the plan for some time to bake them something, now I finally could do it. I smuggled a bit with a package for applepie dough from the brand Koopmans instead off making from scratch. Hopefully that won't matter to them aswell. I wonder if they like it. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 4th off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is moderately cold with showers off rain every now and then. 

*

I have been blogging frequently about being depressed, being too depressed to diet and groom myself, to have caused fights with Vana Events in 2018 and feeling ugly in general, in a time where body positive imaging is a thing. I think I should tell you the cause off all off this. I think my audience has the right to know what keeps me from being on track in this life and what makes me so utterly sad. 

I have been in psychiatric health for a while now. It's because off Vana Events it happened in the first place, but this incident that happened in 2017 was the cause off this whole shit I have been in since it took place. 

There was a man who gave joy to my life. He flirted with me and lightned my heart every time I was at those events, I just felt we where no match and that I couldn't give him enough and that he wasn't handsome. Somehow I felt it wasn't a match but he flirted with me, and at some point I believed we could eventually be something if we tried. It took place for a period off time off about 7 years. At the end off it, I fell in love myself and I believed we could be something. 

But one day after my 25th birthday, something nasty happened on Castlefest. Instead off being joyous and fun and flirty he was acting all cold and it hurt me but I didn't understand. His friend said: 'Why should we flirt with you? The most beautifull women off the country come here so why you?' To me while they passed by, him being all cold. 

And then while I took place at a picknick table, he showed up with a frele blonde woman with curls, being all flirty with her in my face and acting as cold as an ice berg towards me. Something in me broke. I couldn't go on from that moment on and he was very cold and mean while I left the event almost crying at the door. It was for me the permanent end to events. I tried somehow but I couldn't. I didn't have it in me to continue any event, while they had that beautifull wickertree dedicated to my idea, something so cruel took place I couldn't handle it anymore. 

I broke with all my event friends, I caused fights online, I had to be taken in at the mental hospital and my home situation wrecked. It felt like nobody listned to me in 2018, when I was all angry and broken hearted about it. Vana Events can be pretty cruel towards people they wish to reject. Not taking count off my feelings, which where wrecked and broken and so incredibly sad. I haven't come over being rejected for a pretty blonde ever since. In a time off body positive imaging and all women who should be respected for who they are, Vana choose the old fashioned path and started to slutshame, being nasty to fat women and do something like this to me. I look like an old hag, due to medication and being mental. I haven't seen any off them ever since. It was too much for me. That incident broke and wrecked me. I felt: 'I haven't much to give, it's all that I have, but appearently- it isn't enough. Everything I have is not enough.' That hurted incredibly. Care takers couldn't go on with me that way in that living situation. I was wrecked and mental, and I have deleted most posts from before winter 2018 since they where mad. I have gone mad over a man I wasn't even sure I liked. That stinks and it's not right. Yoram is a coward, he over acts being macho which doesn't suit me since I'm more off a thinker and not superficial but this hurted. Instead off giving me something nice for my 25th birthday he shoved me a depression and a mental wreck in my face the day after. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you all for reading.    

Good evening at the 2nd off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today wasn't as cold as christmas, the clouds faded and the sky became clear somewhat. Sometimes they have something on the radio around March or April saying 'Today has been colder than christmas.' But I doubt they will have that again this year. It was freezing around christmas this year. Only a good blizzard can top that. I hope this year won't have one. On top off Corona numbers increasing and a crisis being on, I think it's another punishment for the people if a blizzard would happen. 

*

Tonight was another one off those nights. I couldn't sleep untill morning. I do incredibly hard sleeping these days. It hasn't been gone after new year's eve. Maybe it will be off off my shoulders when we're out off lockdown. I have slept untill 12 A.M and not much came out off my fingers today. It's been like that for some time.  

I have been making plans for this year when it comes to my hobby. I have been angry today at de Boed, at points that have been frustrating me but which I never speak out to people. Something inside tells me I should. Just speak out what issues I have with some aspects. It might help. People have never noticed my dissatisfaction about that. Not in that intensity. I have bend my head and decided to go there and have dinner there again. Simply because I know myself too well by now. I'm too unreliable to do it myself so I need them. It aired up to speak my mind, however. I don't know if I should do that to a living person that way, however. 

I hope I will sleep tonight. Sleep, sacred sleep... I have been checking up some old facebook posts off this day, and it's almost common for me to have terrible sleep around new year's eve. I have been shoving it off for some time, but I'm one off those people in psychiatric health who has trouble during holidays with themselves. I'm among them, where up untill 3 years ago, I wasn't. 

I have been posting about 158 blogs last year. I'm sarcastically thinking to myself: Let's top that with about 200 this year. It seems I have enough to write about when it's about my life. I don't know who reads this, I have no subscribers but I can see pagevieuws. If you are among those readers who keeps track off this each time: Thank you for reading and a happy new year to you. You mean a lot to me. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good afternoon at the 2nd off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's cloudy and stormy outside. It's not much diffrent from usuall, except that there is a lot off wind. 

*

I think it's a pity for food to be sober during the winter months, at least that's what it's traditionally. The months after christmas, when everyone wants to be back on track, is sober and spare. I think we could use some cookie spices these months to fight the winter blues. (Just to mention an example) It's just that people want to fit into their ski suits and want to loose christmas kilo's these months so it's not as rich and decadent anymore. Maybe I should think les egoistic when it comes to this. The earth needs a rest after the outstanding christmas months, our pantries need to be refilled and kilo's have to go away after a few christmas dinners and the outstanding new year's eve snacks. I give people their right when it comes to this. But for depression, it's not such a good thing. Or maybe it is. If you can set yourself to loose 20 kilogram when you have to, that might help when you're depressed. But most off the time depressed people don't care at all. When I'm depressed as a doorknob, I can't set myself to diet in January either. I haven't done so in 4 years and look what that made me. Just when it was essential to watch weight- I was on medication switch, a broken heart and the anticonception pill in a terrible home situation. So watching my weight? Not so much. I just couldn't set myself to it. 

I had a care taker saying I should get started when I feel ready for it. Not when I feel other people's pressure. It's a good advice. 

What I did with those apple turnovers- I shared one with that care taker giving me advice, and he took one for a fellow client he had to visit next and another one for the other care taker being off service during new year's eve. I gave away three and ate the rest off them myself. I was a bit selfish with it, but I also felt it was too little to share with de Boed. And they where good. I think that was due to the star anise in my cookie spices. I love star anise combined with apples or pears. I have eaten most myself, It felt good being capable to share some off them, though. Sometimes it's as easy as sharing food and a cup off coffee or tea with someone to make me a happy person. 

 Allright, that's about it for now- I can't set myself to write you more about now so thank you for reading. 

  

Good evening at the 1st off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and rainy, though it was warm for a new year's day. It's not the outback in Australia, but it was about 15 degrees celsius today. For the Netherlands in winter, that is warm. 

*

I have a real new year's resolution: I want to be pretty again. Not slacking myself but being truly pretty and content with myself. 

I have been in a massive black hole off depression when it comes to my looks and I have been abandoning it a bit the previous 4 years because my heart was broken. I don't want to do it for a man or for being prettier than his whore, but just for myself. I want to get myself out off that depression (Which I succeded) and be on the right track again with myself. So far, I'm content. The hairdresser has done well for me, I put on skin cream and mascara again today and I look young for my almost 30. I'm just -be warned- incredibly fat. I call myself 'Au Natural with a doll up off whipped cream.' referring to that skin cream. I remembered today to put on lip balm again after drinking coffee at de Boed's new year's bingo and I'm washed. It makes a diffrence. I don't feel well enough yet to show a picture off myself on here, so I leave it to the reader to imagine me, washed and groomed versus slacking and greasy. 

It's common for mental patients to be ungroomed and I can get annoyed by myself big deal when I'm doing that and I have no power over myself to change it. When your stuck up in yourself, even that is impossible and it's true. 

2022 will be the Chinese year off the Tiger after Chinese new year. (Tiger is a chinese starsign) I will turn 30 this year. It's something to notice and I'm proud off it. If Corona and it's restrictions work with and will be off, I will take my family to a restaurant to celebrate. I don't have a lot off relatives so it's not too much off a thing for me. The year off the Tiger is something to be warned off if you are it's opposite, a Monkey - Which I am.- Tigers and Monkeys are supposed to be enemies. I have a lot off good plans for this year but Corona could be in the way so I might have to cancel some things. I have plans again to enjoy life. After that massive black hole I felt being in. I might have been in love during that period, but I didn't feel strong enough to go after it. I thought he was taken and that kept me off the man in Leiden. I think I did good about that since I wasn't on track enough with myself again to do so. It was a nasty period and I probably needed that crush to soften it's sharpness. But mind me, if I would have found that prince charming, I would have definitely gone after him. I can just say it wasn't the right time and place for it. At this moment off time, I'm working my way back again to feeling better. I finally want to be and feel pretty again a crush worthy. But it's mainly for myself this time. I suppose I need it. 2022 is a Tiger year, but it seems somewhat more promising than the year off the Ox. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.