I feel like I'm chickensoup atm

Good evening everyone, happy ending off the year and good luck and strength to all services who have to work this evening. Like police forces and hospital staff. 

It's cold outside, there is no snow, and fireworks are all around despite there to have been a national ban on fireworks during new year's eve. I believe we can see something big this evening with a lot off emergencies due to forbidden fireworks. Most troublemakers don't care for fireworks being made illegal, they have been shooting trouble with fireworks ever since November. (Teens out on the street use fireworks to cause trouble a lot. It's ment as a new year's eve tradition but it's abused as it's something they use year round to pretend to be cool. It's been for a reason it's banned. Most adults around here agree with that law. It's been out off hand everywhere several times for years now.) 

*

 I have been in a personal crisis last night. I have been colouring in a colouring book for adults. It's getting somewhere with that image. I have been over the moon with a man I barely know, I suspect him to cause trouble for my well being and I fear he could do damage for my mental super powers if it continues like this. I think he is some super might and he damages what I'm doing. I was up to causing world peace but then he came up (made off blue light and causing mind powerd to interfere with me) He believed I was something bad. While I ment well for the world. I have been overthinking how to solve the war situation in the Middle East last night, while playing music that might have been a bit too uplifting along with such thoughts. (This is nothing but the bare truth.) 

That man is not evil, he just clashes with my might. And sometimes we talk in my mind. Last night I have told him about my world saving super powers and it made him suspicious. I have been fighting a major battle in my mind last night. And he gave up since he couldn't take the responsibility and the mental burden off being a blue supermight so I could have my way and continue with what I was doing. Nobody got harmed in person. This could be a perfect script for some super hero movie, and I wish to be portrayed as a red supermight if this gets somewhere. You bet I'm playing a more calm cd (I'm old fashioned, I play and buy old cd's.) this evening. I'm still not at peace with what happened in my mind last night. Emotionally, I'm overwhelmed and exhausted from it while real life barely stirrs me when it comes to emotions. 

He didn't actually get my motives for my actions but he said 'I couldn't do what you do without getting mad myself.' 

My attemps to understanding war and peace in the middle east probably got a lot off me while I was still in school. I was a teen when the second gulf war started and ever since the Middle East at war being a politicall issue it has my interest. If I would have had the luck to finish my political study (Which I couldn't finish since I got mental issues.) I would have used it to try to cause or at least work on peace in the Middle East if I could have done it. My main issue at the moment is how to get the Russians out off Syria without big damage for the area or world peace. I have been overthinking it untill late. I got to the conclusion that I couldn't solve it myself, no matter what I would have come up with. 

And then there was the idea I got scooped off by secret services. I was on it out loud all the time. And because I'm mad and they could see me as a potential threat (Which I'm not when being on that subject.) for national or local safety when being out off my mind like that. I feel somewhat uneasy by the major feeling off being watched. I can't explain why, but I told my care takers about that. I think it's a safe idea to keep them informed about all off this. Somewhere around 4.30 I finally slept, but I had to get out early for medication. I have the luck off having no serious job. I have been colouring a butterfly today at de Boed and it turned out gorgeous. (I'm about to picture it tomorrow.) It's been on a split page, it's hard to get the finished project out off the colouring book. I think I'll let them keep it but picture it for myself and publish it on here. I have been colouring a mandala yesterday morning at de Boed, about the blue man I sensed. 

A few weeks ago I bought Aleppo Soap. A kind off soap produced in Syria which supports their local economy. I bought a shampoo and two bars off soap. I hope the money benefits their broken country somehow. I hope it went to the right pockets. 

Allright, that's it for this moment. 

Thank you for reading. 

Edit: This is my finished butterfly. If I continue this way, my mad weblog becomes like a children's book with bright coloured images every often. 

What if they'd start a nation wide protest march against corrupt poisoning?

 Good afternoon everyone, 

I have some sort off an inspiration. What if people in the U.S would start to protest against their companies poisoning the planet, and I mean: real big action from the ordinairy people against those corrupt CEO's putting poison and chemicals which addict and cancer the mass and who live on the blood and money off victims. What if the entire world would put up with that. Stop the poisoning by your chemicals, stop polution to produce your products and give us back the power to stand up for our rights. 

Most people here think corruption started with large companies buying themselves power in politics. And the right to poison you for the sake off making big money. I think sane people shouldn't tolerate that by any means and the source off that problem is to most people's beliefs the United States. I believe there is truth in that, but what if the nation would take serious action and strike against those companies who buy their rights by employment on mostly an unfair basis. If the U.S would only be sane... If people would only take their health serious... If people would only believe in a better world without mass polution by chemicals....  

Merry Christmas everyone.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

The best way to bug a metalhead pagan is to wish them a merry christmas out loud. They would react in disgust to it. You could try it if they don't look too agressive. 

It's typical Dutch christmas weather. It's grey and rainy outside, there is a promise off wet snow by the forecast, but more than often, that won't be made true by the clouds today. Most off the time such forecasts don't come true during christmas. real white christmasses are something from the past. 

*

I'm doing well. I had a third corona test one week ago and it was negative. As far as that seems I'm completely cured and it does something to me. I got cured from the world's reason for a pandemic but you might have heard that before from me. 

Last week I decorated a rose gold coloured christmas bulb for a christmas bulb decoration contest at de Boed. I didn't win a prize. I haven't pictured my apply for that contest, but I gave it to my mom as a christmas gift afterward. I had no opportunity to go christmas shopping this year. I believe that christmas bulb straight from the heart was a good idea. I haven't send any christmas cards to relatives either. I haven't done my best to be giving this christmas. Next year I hope I do better. I'm doing well in my parental home at this moment. It feels like I'm finally getting to rest this year. Life has been busy. I could stay here for a whole week and feel like I finally get to be relaxed. To fall asleep is an issue I have. I'm doing bad sleeping in in the evening. I have had that issue quite some time. I need sleep, as it's good for a damaged brain, but part off the issue is that it's hard to sleep well if you have brain issues. 

There probably aren't much places in the world where you got a picture perfect white christmas with snow. Most places have become gloomy and rainy. I bet if we continue this way, even the north pole will become some gloomy place instead of an artic landscape consistent off snow and ice. 

I haven't been giving this year, but I received cute christmas gifts from my family. A lama stuffed animal from my brother and a famous cookbook which has won the most important award off the year for cookbooks. (The golden cookbook.) I got that from my mom. One can't have enough cookbooks in my opinion. I'm just not the only one who decides what's getting into my house, and I have just a small appartment. I can't simply stuff it with cookbooks. But I'm doing my best so far. I need more space, and a second book case. It's just impossible to place it at this moment and I don't like to throw stuff away at this point. First world problems I guess. 

As far as life goes, I'm not troubled by the second lock down that has come over the Netherlands. Life goes on and I'm handling it pretty well. 

I challenged mom's husband into making a buche de noel, also known as yule log (A log made from cake, often covered in chocolate) and he did perfect on it. The merengue mushrooms he made with it are better than what I challenged him into. They're larger and he managed to colour their heads a reddish pink. I believe that was a perfect idea to do this christmas as the whole house benefits from it. we have a perfect christmas cake with great merengue mushrooms this year. He is a pastry baker's son and he knows these kind off things better than I do. I can advise anyone with parents that can and love to bake perfectly to do such a thing every often. Challenge them to make festive and delicious foods every often and your entire family will have joy from it. Next time they are going to challenge me to make them something. I like that idea as we're going on and on with that. These kind off (baking) challenges I'm happy to participate in.  

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading.         

Hector the Ladybug

 Good evening everyone, 

I happen to have an imaginairy friend. Hector the ladybug. It's an image off a young man with black curls and light skin and I think he wears glasses and a ladybug suit, or fancy men's clothes. He's muscled on a level where it's acceptable for men. He's not overly skinny or fat. He wears purple, red or shirts with long sleeves and a print and tidy pants and sometimes he has about four arms. He talks to me a lot and he cheers me up when I'm down or he relativates when I feel stuck or stupid about something. He has been a bit cranky on me lately, but I feel as if I'm connecting with something when I talk to him. He looks like he has been walking out off a children's cartoon. In the beginning he did cute salto's and a funny dance every often. I love him. I don't know how my mind came up with him but it's a perfect pick me up when I feel bad. It appears as if he's something with it's own personality and voice. he's cute but imaginairy. I hope he won't abandon me out off being fed up with me. He's too funny. 

Even 28 year olds can have imaginairy friends. 

The Administrator

Good evening everyone, 

I have been under administration ever since living protected and so far my finances are healthy. I just have to ask every often for extra money if that's needed or wanted. It's possible, I'm not in debt and I have a small saving so far. 

It's just that my administrator hasn't answered his mail for two months and I have been sober these months but I have the feeling I need a little extra these weeks. I just haven't been able to contact them. No replies and even care-takers can't seem to get an answer. I have been doing well however, I believe out off some sort off bigotted pride I haven't complained to care-takers before about that. Usually my administrator is perfectly trust worthy and answers pretty soon, or merely to say, soon enough. I need to solve this issue. I wish there was some ladybug guardian angel with curing abilities who can magically obtain answers and requested money form my main bank account. That would help me out this week. 

Though being a bit on low money, I have been managing myself well. I haven't bought new winter clothes except for a coat this winter. I have been wearing the same outworn winter clothes I have been wearing for years, I have stock in materials and foods for quite some time, I don't have basic needs that need to be covered soon. I just need acces to my money so I hope I can throw away some sweaters with holes in them. (That's no pun.) I actually do wear sweaters with holes in them. Pride and managing my weekly allowance as good as it gets keeps me from hitting rock bottom this month, (Rock bottom might be a little too much, but it's not much I have left on my pay account. I can hear some judge me on this, but I know they're probably not much better than me when it comes to it.) I have been perfectly able to donate home made cakes to de Boed almost every week with what I got. I just need the requested extra money so I can go on. I hate the idea to depend on others so I don't ask other people for a loan and I'm not about to do so. I can solve my own issues and I don't need anyone when it comes to that. I rather keep on wearing sweaters with holes in them, even if that means I have to wear them untill March (I hope not.) but it's no option for me to depend on others as that's not a good idea most off the time. 

I hope I'm about to obtain what I asked for as soon as this week. 

Allright, that's about it. 

  

Officially protected spices

 Good morning everyone, 

I have put some stewed pears on the stove, (I love them this season.) with two tablespoons off 'Koek- en Speculaaskruiden.' (Combined myself to a blend)  I have an idea for it. 

It's something I use over and over again in my kitchen. It's something traditionally Dutch though some countries have the same compound somewhat but call it diffrent. (Applepie spices or Pumpkinpie spices is something that comes close to it.) It's parts have been introduced by the VOC and come from asian countries but we combined them to spices suitable in cookies and other pastries. If you put them up for some time, your entire house will smell divine and warm and every Sinterklaas we use tons off it. 

The smell off it is just divine and are typicall for winter, and I wish to advocate for making it a Traditional Speciality Guaranteed for our country, protected by the European Union. I suppose it's much and much better than a cheese sandwich in that fashion. 

If we would do so, it's consistency would be descripted gram by gram for what it should be. My mixes wouldn't be able to call themselves official. But I think it's not bad to have it mentioned by the Union.. It's been a Dutch tradition for centuries, after all. 

Purple Jewelry

 Good evening everyone, 

I have been attempting at monday morning activity 'Jewelry making.' at de Boed, Community centre in Zaandijk after four weeks off being abscent. I made it. I made them, I can live to tell the tale. I finished the set and it will be for sale tomorrow in our outlet shop. 

I glued a halo and a ladybug charm to some off the large beads. 

This one has been finished before I got sick. It's emotional to see it back and still be alive. That I'm still alive after Corona means something to me. It's probably been due to healthy eating and drinking herbal tea that I can live to tell the tale. 

Allright, 

Thank you all for reading. 

The best chocolate letter 2019.

 Good evening everyone, 

I have bought something during grocery shopping (I'm glad I can participate in grocery shopping on monday again.) which has a sticker on it with 'Best letter according to Libelle 2019.' (I probably have to explain first that during Sinterklaas there are chocolate letters for sale in the Netherlands. They are part off a tradition.) 

Libelle is a classic women's magazine which is usually interesting to read and which has excisted ever since the 1930'/ 1920's s in this country. I love to read it in all it's decadent nostalgia and practicall heartwarming stories. I often indulge in it when it's on a coffee table somewhere. There, I said it. I love to read a magazine people usually associate with elderly ladies and muff old fashionedness. I love it. The floral prints they use are nothing but charming. And it's feminine friendly despite it's classicness.  

I didn't buy the chocolate letter on purpose, but I wanted to write a blog about how it actually tastes. It's flavour 'Peanutbutter.' I usually have to think twice when a receipe has the option 'Peanutbutter flavour.' and often am a bit weary why Americans put that in so many things. It's something to frown a bit upon. Why choose peanutbutter when there are so many other perfect creams out there to choose from? Usually I'm pro America but this is something I think by myself 'Murica...' Peanutbutter is a bit vulgair in European kitchens. I couldn't help but trying it somehow. It wasn't even on discount but it was in front to me and it ended in my shoppingbag. It's covered in salted peanuts and it has a salty peanutbutter filling but it's yummy. I see why it has won a title previous year.  It's a suprising but deserved title for something with peanutbutter flavour. I wonder what letter will win this year. 

Banana cake, flavour 2.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

As you might know if you have been following this blog, I have a receipe for banana cake and I have made it more or less a few times lately. I just felt a bit stuck with the receipe since I felt like I had been making it too much and I felt like experimenting with the basic bananacake receipe I have been making for months. (It's probably not as much as I think, but it feels like it's a lot.) 

I somewhat felt like having a baking 'block.' as if I'm a bit numb on what I should bake next and it's probably due to lack off diversion this period. I have been making the same applesauce, bananacake and stewed pears a bit too much these months I suppose. I believe it's time to create some new dimensions and experiment with flavours as some have become a bit boring. 

I have been developping a second flavour and it's perfect in my opinion. 

I made a mocha chocolate flavour with it, with walnuts and coconut for extra dimension. I will hand it out to de Boed tomorrow to have them serving it during the afternoon coffeemoment. 

here is my receipe to this fabulous chocolate banana cake: 

- 200 grams off bananas 

- 225 grams off white caster sugar 

- teaspoon off vanillin sugar 

- teaspoon off salt 

- 4 medium eggs 

- 3 tablespoons of cocoa powder (Dutch processed)

- 1 tablespoon off instant coffee 

- sachet off baking powder 

- sachet off baking soda 

- teaspoon off vanilla extract 

- 200 grams off all purpose flour 

- 4 teaspoons off coconut 

- 100 grams off chopped walnuts 

- Icing sugar 

- small chocolate decorations. 

Greased in baking form for pound cake, 

preheat oven on 165 degree celsius. 

1. Mash 200 grams off bananas with 225 grams off white caster sugar, vanillin sugar and a teaspoon off salt in a food processor untill smooth 

2. adjust 4 medium eggs and blend untill incorporated 

3. adjust 3 tablespoons off cocoa powder and 1 tablespoon off instant coffee, aside with a sachet off baking powder and a sachet off baking soda and a teaspoon off vanilla extract. blend in. Adjust 200 grams off  all purpose flour and blend untill a smooth batter.

4. Adjust 4 teaspoons off  coconut and 100 grams off walnuts and incorporate untill it's all well blend in.  

Bake for about 60 minutes in a preheat oven 

5. Let cool for about 20 minutes and put on a plate, then decorate with icing sugar and small decorations. 

Good evening at the 26th off November, 2020.

 Good evening everyone, 

I'm probably on front row to some famous vlogger war. I hear them exploding windows out outside. I heard two small explosions this evening. I hope they'll leave my house alone but go after each other instead. 

(Recently, people got after a famous vlogger living nearby this neighbourhood. They have been exploding the windows out off each others places like crazy, it's often in the news. All I can do is keep quiet and hope they'll pass by soon.) 

It's cold and gloomy weather in the Netherlands. Sinterklaas has entered the country in silence. There was no big show about it on TV this year due to Corona. It's seriously cold outside. I hope we'll get a dash off snow this year during winter. In this country, that's not always the case. 

*

Medication enlowering doesn't take place as easy as hoped. I have to take it more slowly and they're planning on enlowering more slow than intended at first. I feel I have to talk through a lot before anything can happen, though I told psychiatric health care a lot this afternoon. It soothed to tell her. To tell everything relieved a lot. 

I got cured from Corona, this week was the first week I took on day to day life again but I decided on to take small steps and go forward easy going. I decided on to tackle my sleeping issues by going to bed later instead off trying to get to sleep too early. I have hallucinations about frêle blonde men wishing to actually take me to a comfortable home somewhere at a lakeside in some northern country. That's my heart's wish. To live comfortably ever after in some romantic surrounding somewhere abroad. Somehow it's getting a bit too much to handle, I should talk about this with health care and see what they can do about it. I bet my hallucinations aren't capable to actually build a life abroad, it's just distracting and silly. I should try keeping it from overwhelming me when I'm alone at home at night. It's not helpful to fall asleep with. It's even more off a thing getting emotionally attached to actual people in there who don't seem to excist. I supose I'm more lonesome and on the empty side off life than what's good for me.  

My guts are leaping up again and cause some stomach pain and other issues these weeks. I should drink way less coffee and watch my food again this month. I hope all off these gut issues don't turn out to be something seriously bad. It's not going to be easy to watch food in a festive season. Maybe I should take a road in between and see how I'll make it through. I wish to be capable to participate in most things. I hate the idea off having to watch my guts during december. It seems impossible so far. I should see how far I can get and then give it a better try in January, during diet month. That's probably a better idea.   

Next week, wednesday soup will take place again at de Boed. I decided to pick up my spoons again and give it my best again in de Boed's kitchen and cook for fellow patients every often. I believe since I have experienced it myself, I should continue my mission to feed them plenty off vegetables and hopefully keep the lot healthy. It's told by the Corona centre to everyone who gets it, to eat a lot off Vitamin C to strengthen your immune system. So it's officially approved off by the government. I heard my soup got missed by people at the time when I wasn't capable to make it. It's good to get compliments. 

I have a mission. I only allow myself to buy tons off new cookbooks (There are series out there which are addictive to collect all off them from) if I'm about to use them. I need about two new book cases if I'm willing to succeed in that mission. Some retards collect fantasy novels. Some people collect romantic novels and historic novels. Some collect walls off bookcases with manga, While other people just use bookcases as a showcase to decorations. It's just what you're up for. I can't wait to pile a few bookcases up with even more cookbooks. I only allow myself if I'm going to use them and cook receipes from them. 

Allright, that's about it for this evening. 

Thank you for reading.  

Lower on medication - And it's on the late side.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

This evening I'm going to be lowered on quetiapine. (seroquel) and it's on the late side since I should have enlowered and quit with it two years ago. It just didn't work out well during that period, it was in the year when I was stuck in a house with drug addict neighbours at Amberhout and felt as down as a brick. They consider these months a better period, and they're on about it pretty fast. 

Within about a month I'm going to quit the entire thing and it's with large steps. I suppose I shouldn't allow myself out off the house untill April. (I'm not going to take it, I need fresh air and some people around me every often. But I suppose I'm lethal at this moment when it comes to it.) 

When quetiapine is quit perfectly, they are going to quit Lorazepam since that is the most heavy medicine I have been on for about two years. It's suppose to be a rescue at moments when life's getting too much, you take it and at that moment your mind is suppose to calm down. But I was on it for about two years every night. It's something you can get addicted to, and something which looses it's abilities when you take it too much. It's also suppose to help you sleep. Which it just doesn't do anymore but that has been going on for pretty long. I have had sleeping issues for some time now, which I had before I took calming medicines. 

I don't know how everything is going to work out these months. Am I truly allowed to live because I'm supposed to cook my fellow patients Indonesian foods? You're probably going to find out if you keep on following my weblog. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.     

A finished picture frame, + update about how my corona is going

 Good afternoon everyone, 

*

Yesterday I finished this picture frame. It's still empty, but it's situated decorately at my book case, next to a fairy statue. It has no purpose yet, but I think I did well on it. The two jars are still in my windowsill, I suppose I'm still a bit low on energy and not capable to get them anywhere at this moment. Sometimes that happens. 

*

Yesterday I was at de Boed, but it felt like I had ran a marathon off at least 50 kilometers while it's just a few meters around the corner. Good grief, I never felt that way and care takers told me afterwards when I got back after about an hour (I couldn't take any more) that I was still looking too sick and not allowed to go out there. I'm still in quarantine since I'm still sick and it feels like I'm on my last leggs when I go out to do something. I also still cough and sneeze. So I'm supposed to stay in all day again. I had to lay on my bed all evening and a big part off this morning to overcome what I did yesterday. I have never been that low on energy. It's what you hear from most corona patients, how much off an attack the disease was to their condition. 

**

Something funny. Yesterday when oppening my letterbox I found another attack. The letterbox was all wet and some post stuck to each other and there was a small package inside. When in my appartment, I opened the package and it contained half a bottle off orange juice, the rest got leaked on my post ans when opening it, it almost shoot to the ceiling. It was called 'Vitamin Bo.' Some sort off orange juice mixed with sparkling water, I had it as a present from Leviaan, I felt like laughing about it instead off getting angry. It tasted well, it was just a pity it had barely anything left in that bottle after what it did to my letterbox. I know they intended a serious pick me up, but it felt like a funny prank. Or maybe I'm just a bit weird when it comes to that. 

allright, that's about it for this weblog, 

thank you for reading.

Work in progress

Good afternoon everyone, 

Today I dyed two jars and a picture frame and glued a few nice decorations on that frame. It´s almost done. 

The two jars still have to dry. They´re old containers to bodybutter I use often (I have the idea that I won´t be out off containers for that soon.) I decided to cut just a little on waste and I´m going to use them for a donation I got from a great care taker, who had a lot off pendants left her daughter wouldn´t use anymore, so I could have them. I hope I got enough space for that in these two jars. I already used some cute pendants on the picture frame, and some are going to be glued on top off these two containers after I think I dyed them well enough. Sometimes I don´t know what I would do without people´s heartfull donations and gifts for my hobby. The beads, roses, glue and paint where no donations. However, I bought that some time before. I´m somewhat waiting for inspiration on how to decorate my containers. I have a lot off items at home to create and decorate stuff with. Sometimes it´s a bit like a puzzle but the outcome is often great when everything falls into place and I feel it ´fits.´ That´s part off the fun in being creative. I haven´t been creative in my own home and just for myself in a long time.   

*

I'm not completely sure, but I would call today the last day off my personal quarantine. I consider myself cured from Corona. I'm so proud, I overcame the thing and hopefully I'm going to live to tell the tale when I'm older. I suppose my plan earlier on to eat healthy fruits and vegetables worked out for me. I haven't been truly down by it. It felt like a flu but more heavy since often I don't get really sick from a flu and I can tell the diffrence. I took my rest and decided to keep appropriate distance from everyone. What worked for me was watching morning shows on TV to keep me sane. It may sound strange, but having to stay up and serve myself coffee and breakfast every morning kept me from getting slack and staying in bed all the time. I barely changed into daytime clothes, however, I kept in pj's most off the time but I allowed myself that. There where days where I felt I could barely get out off bed, but I also allowed myself rest and good care to overcome all off this. I allowed myself a few steps back. I don't know if I have to deal with a low physicall condition due to Corona since I haven't been out off my home these days. I stayed in all the time and didn't do much but changed spots from bed to couch to dining table, back to couch and so on. I don't know if I can handle a small walk or my usuall sports routine. (I go to the gym every friday morning.) I don't know if we're already allowed to sport again, I heard it's not allowed to go sport in groups in a gym for example. 

I don't know if I'm infectious to other people if I allow myself to go out in public. I wouldn't want to take on that responsibility, I would hate the idea to make other people sick. I'm a bit wacko from barely having people around, though. I need a bit off fresh air tomorrow so I'm going to allow myself out off the house for a while. Sometimes I have strange visions off large green radiant corona viruses passing by before my eyes. Warning me it's 'still in the house.' I would hate the idea off having my mom over for coffee and her getting infected by it. She badly wants to see me the next few weeks. I would love to, but just the idea off her getting infected due to me would be too much to handle for me. I think I better keep my distance to her untill I feel it's allright to have her over in my house. 

So, I'm cured, but I'm concerned all the time about infecting other people. 

Allright, that's about it for today, thank you all for reading.  

 

Coffee with a pastry this morning

 

Sometimes... it's deserved. Sometimes.... you just have the urge. Sometimes... You know it's just because you're a glutton. And sometimes... it just doesn't take a reason but to have almost survived. 

Coffee with a pastry this morning during a morning show called 'Coffee Time.' 

I think the world has written history with Kamela Harris as vice president.

 Good morning everyone, 

As some off you might know, I'm a mild feminist and pro equal rights for most people. I'm proud Trump has lost the elections, and Joe Biden has won. Not only for America, but for the entire world. 

I think it's such a win for someone like Kamela Harris to have won with him. Women and minorities are too often still spit upon. I believe people shouldn't do that. I hope they can make something out off their presidential term and not only having to clean up after Trump. 

Sometimes you have to show your teeth to win a battle. It's something Dutch women back out for. Showing your teeth and seriously fighting for a cause they think is important. We can learn a lot from American women when it comes to respect and the right to climb the social ladder. I believe it doesn't always matter to be called a Bitch. It's offensive, but those who even open their mouth to call you that, are intimidated by your will power and wish to put a stone around your neck to drag you down. Don't let them scare you off to become something. Sometimes such people need a sincere and delicate kick behind their butt, because what you fight for isn't something small they should close their eyes for. It's important and should be treated as that. Sometimes people have mud in their eyes. It doesn't make you necessairily nice, but sometimes you know that what you are doing is for the greater good. Which makes you nice beyond people's understanding and I believe in that.  

Allright, that's about it.  

Thank you for reading. 

I'm on better hand, but I'm taking responsibility next time

 Good evening everyone, 

Warning: This is a blog on a medical issue. 

As far as this goes, To survive Corona could be a cool story for around the harch whenever I'm a grandmother with loving grandchildren. (In the same categorie as the wish of getting married)  'You know, you are spoiled with modern healthcare. Grandma has survived a pandemic on her own, without there being medication available for it.' 

I shouldn't cheer too early, but I'm slowly getting well. 

Though next time I'll take more caution when having to cook for my fellow patients with this below the belt. I may have survived, but I'm still infectionous. I can't jump around a public kitchen after Corona, and the possibility off it still being in my system. I have to refuse them asking me to cook wednesday soup untill everything is done. I know on forehand they won't like that, but I can't take the risk off someone catching up on Corona because off me. 

I lay in bed a lot, or I watch tv or eat / drink when I'm up or I take showers. To eat still goes perfectly. It's no issue to keep food in. It's a matter though, that I lost smell and taste for a while (It's getting back, but it was a bit strange to have that.) I had the perfect idea to purchase a range off DKNY 'be delicious' perfume samples some time after I got infected. I barely smell anything. I should wait with trying them after I got my smell back. To taste is less off an issue. I taste dinner I got served and breakfast I eat just fine. 

I'm tired a lot, but I can't sleep except at night. But that's my personal issue. (Sleeping issues) That still goes on. I do take a lot off rest all day, though.

      

Banana cake

 Good afternoon everyone, 

I decided on making banana cake because I wanted something good to eat this weekend. I happen to have the problem that I can't seem to smell or taste well, and those are symptoms belonging to Corona patients. Can you believe it, I have been baking a perfect banana cake with a home made spice mix, the appartment must smell wonderfull but I only seem to smell anything when I keep my nose right above my banana cake. Yesterday I took a shower with several products but I couldn't smell anything after I was done. You get the idea. This banana cake doesn't get the appreciation it deserves. Still I wanted to share my receipe with you. 

Banana Cake. 

- 200 grams off bananas 

- 200 grams caster sugar 

- A teaspoon off Vanilin sugar 

- A hint off salt 

- 4 medium eggs 

- A teaspoon off baking soda 

- A teaspoon off baking powder 

- 200 grams off all purpose flour

- two tablespoons off something that goes by the name off applepie spices or pumpkinpie spices abroad.  I made my own mix. Over here it's called 'Koek en speculaas kruiden.' Ment for spiced cookies. 

- 60 grams off unsalted nuts. You can use a mix off diffrent kinds off nuts 

- Icing sugar for decoration. 

- A cake pan for pound cake. 

1. Mash the bananas in a food processor untill they're perfectly smooth. Adjust sugar, vanillin sugar and salt and mix untill the substance is somewhat creamy. 

2. Adjust all eggs at once and mix untill it's smooth. Incorporate spices, baking soda and baking powder in your food processor untill everything is a liquid mix. 

3. Adjust flour at once. Mix untill you have a smooth batter. Adjust all nuts at last and give it a short mix to mix well through. 

4. Bake at 165 degree celsius for about 55 minutes untill it's well done. 

5. Let cool in it's tin for about 20 minutes and then turn it to a rack or a plate. Top with icing sugar.  

I have been cheering too early.

 Good morning everyone, 

I got my test result today, and I got tested positive on Corona. Which means I have it. 

I'm not allowed out the upcoming time and maybe I was right about infecting people when cooking food for them. I hope it won't get any worse than it is right now, I have mild symptoms and they're about to investigate who I have been in contact with. I hope I won't die because off this. I see it a lot less positive than yesterday. 

I don't feel in the right mood for banana cake. Or maybe I wil make myself some for comfort food this weekend. 

I haven't told my mom yet. I don't want her to worry too much about me but that can't be avoided this time. What am I to do if they have to close de Boed down because off this? I feel like I couldn't do anything about it, but I'm guilty in this as far as this goes. 

Life should slow down a bit on most points

 

I don't mean, closed down, but to take more rest and taking your time to truly do things is much better for most people than to live it at full speed, like when it's no lock down. 

People take their time for what matters these weeks. I personally feel revived by simply just doing a few small tasks each day and not over-hurry them. Isn't this what mindfullness is probably all about? Take your time, do everything with care, do most things with full awareness and don't haste things. Life is pretty relaxed if you take it that way from now on. without any commitments, with barely anything stressfull going on, just to breathe and to live. I love that. I feel like I personally can deal with life much easier that way. I may come off as a slowpoke not caring much about others, or being a bit unrealistic. But I feel modern times requires too much from most people. Don't hurry, don't overdo things, take things to a level where it's acceptable for you. Sleep in when you feel like it, take long showers and groom yourself as much as you wish to, take time for your morning coffee, eat healthy, take time to cook food, take time for your household - This is what it takes to make me satisfied and happy. Other things in this modern world seem a bit more pointless to me personally when it comes to it. 

Tomorrow I'm going to take my time to bake a banana cake. I'll share my receipe with you if I succeeded. It's actually an easy cake. It's simply replacing butter with bananas in a standard cake receipe and then roll with it. 

Allright, that's about it. 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 5th off November, 2020

 Good evening everyone, 

Personal quarantine has taken place for almost five days now. I don't really mind being in quarantine. I feel like I got a week off, and took the chance to spoil myself a bit by taking good care off myself and doing household things I felt I was a bit behind on. Somehow I don't really fear I'm about to die, and given this sickness fades after a few days, I suspect it can't be a serious ass Corona. (Or maybe it can, but then I have to applause myself for having a perfect immune system.) Still I take this serious enough to slow down a bit, take more rest and take good care off myself every day in a way I often feel I have barely time for.

I feel like I'm visiting a really nice person who takes perfect care off me instead off being in my own home and fallen to the despair off someone who might have a pandemic illness. I should take days or even weeks off like this more often, also without Corona being around and when it's behind the back. I suppose this is how you can keep up with a drama like this. I pamper myself like a princess.  

I still feel a bit low on energy. I believe I should eat a fresh made vegetable soup to regain energy. 

When all off this turns out to be just a small flu, I hope to go on with life and creative projects at full power again and do everything I'm already planning ahead to do for de Boed. Can you believe I spoiled myself by purchasing about three big cookbooks these weeks? I feel like I'm lucky I have no husband this time to be accountable to when it comes to cooking / baking supplies. It may sound weird but I have been splurging a lot when it comes to that this year and I'm not planning to hold back on that subject. It's my number one hobby. I can imagine myself getting fights with a man over purchasing a lot off expensive cookbooks and kitchenware. But it's not something I wish to stop (Getting more and more supplies.) as long as I can afford. 

Maybe I'm allowed to live simply by planning to make de Boed a perfect Indonesian dish and even more perfect soups each week. I bought a book on soups, on stews and on Indonesian cuisine. I decided the first thing I'm about to do is to make a nice dessert to celebrate I'm out off this as soon as it's over and I'm declared Corona-free for the second time this year. 

People in this region are very fond off Nasi and Bami, I felt a strange energy allowing me to live since I was planning on using the Indonesian cookbook for dishes at de Boed. I don't know how to explain that, but I'm taking it. If that is my deal with a higher being to survive Corona, to make those dishes a few times for the group, then I'm taking it. It's sometimes as simple and pure as that. I'm already glad that I couldn't have infected people with Corona by making them soup and hearthy pie previous saturday. And I'm allowed to do what I love to do best these months: Helping people through by making great food. (If you believe in such encounters.)   

Tomorrow I'll get my test result. I feel somewhat optimistic. 

Have I been irresponsible?

 Good afternoon everyone, 

I just had my Corona-test. It's day two off my personal quarantine. I still feel like I can cope with it. Outside it's a sunny autumn day and the sound off a public landmower  on mowing the grass around this building. (It's been day two since they have been doing that. I wonder why they haven't managed it in one day. The public lawn isn't that big.) I have been watching TV and it's all about the American elections. I have been skipping to Coffee Time, a morning show on a diffrent TV channel and served myself some coffee, but skipped back to channel 1 after that was done. After a while I got fed up with watching TV and did an attemps to fold laundry. (It took about two days to get the entire laundry done, so I'm proud I got folding done in about half an hour, except for my bedding stuff.) That's been my morning so far. 

Allright, on to my personal problem: 

I have been locking myself in with caution and on as much distance as possible from most people, but previous saturday, I have been cooking a large pot off brown bean soup and an onion pie for my fellow clients at de Boed. What if I got them sick with that? I hope nobody got sick so far. I believed I did well for them serving them something healthy with all kinds off herbs, garlic, onion, beans, vegetables, a hint off meat and broth. I have been trying to cook delicious foods for de Boed to help people through this crisis, but what if I have been infecting people during that proces? What will I do if I do turn out to have Corona? I feel a tiny bit better today than I have felt two days ago. Things are slowly turning by but I believe I have been acting irresponsible with what I tried to do. I should ask my care takers about that. 

Wednesday soup (My task at de Boed, to make fresh soup for wednesday lunch) could not take place today since I have been in quarantine. It got skipped to next week. Or when I'm back on my feet. Whenever that might be.   

Tomorrow I'll be tested

 Good afternoon everyone, 

I suppose I have to thank my guardian angel again, you know, I've talked about him. A male angel who is concerned with my health and who probably lives on my shoulder. General Practice and Leviaan (The organisation I live at.) where fighting over me getting or not getting a Corona test, but as usual when I put something health-mattered on the internet, it finds its way and helps me with that certain issue. So, tomorrow I'll have a test at home. I feel somewhat empowered by that. This morning I put on a shiny pink nail polish to give air to that feeling and put on daytime clothes instead off hanging around in PJ's all the time. I'm so glad I won't be without uncertainty in this. 

When taking a look at myself in the mirror, I could clearly see I was sick. I have something going on that makes me a bit gloomy. Even when I got tested negative I'll have to stay in untill it's over. I can't take risks with that nowadays. Be brave, be honest, do the right thing. 

Allright, that's about it for now.  

Thank you for reading. 

I got suspected to have Corona.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

I have called off from de Boed for probably the next two weeks, since I have complaints. I have a cough and I sneeze, and I have a mild fever. I'm not allowed in at de Boed at the moment since they can't take any risks. 

It's such a task to get a Corona test done this week. Care takers are asking General Practice for me to be tested at home, but they don't have time and their test service is already put to it's limits. I'm not allowed to use public transport, and care takers won't take the risk to have me in their car with god knows what in my system. They asked if my family could drive me there, but my family has no time for that. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Hoping it vanishes after two weeks but staying in without any chance off being certain? 

As far as this goes, I mention to have a serious fever as I have to take breaks from what I'm doing and not being able to continue at once. I have been making applesauce today my style but I had to take a break from cutting and peeling apples or things would have gotten nasty for me. The applesauce got finished today, but I understood how serious my problem was when being onto that. 

My kitchen looks brand new, and kinda expensive and modern when everything looks this shiny and clean. 

Coming to think off it, I have been making the stewed pears mentioned in previous posts, but to eat them got me kinda tipsy and that's not allowed in here. So that receipe won't be used anymore. I felt somewhat light and loose from the world when having them. The feeling wasn't unpleasant, since I love how it felt. But I can see why It's not allowed. I like to stick to the rules, so no more stewed pears with white wine for me. 

They make a nice picture, though. If I had a husband, first off all, the Corona test would not be a problem since he would get me there, and the pears would not be a problem since I would be somewhat supervised with him around and he would eat at least half off them so I would not end up tipsy. 

Now I have to deal with General Practice and Leviaan fighting over getting me a test which would get me out off uncertainty. I think I will make it if I have Corona. I believe I will cure from it, but it won't be easy if this is serious Corona. 

There's an issue with Corona damaging your brain. My brain is already sick and damaged, but how will my medication work after it got damaged from Corona eating it up? I believe that could be the end off me, if it hits too hard on my brain. I don't know how to take on this. Should I keep cool, should I make it while I actually don't care what the world things and let go off my emotions, or should I go all egocentric and act like I need to think off myself before the rest off the world? The last option is not my style. I would like to go through this gracefully and just do it. No matter if it gets right or wrong. I conquered it, or I got defeated by it. But I did so with style. 

Allright, that's about it. 

Thank you all for reading. 

Don't complain, set back plans and act accordingly

 Good evening everyone, 

It's a gloomy, clouded grey day in the Netherlands, I haven't noticed if there has been rain today, it could be but I felt like I was inside at places all day. Time has changed to winter time and if you're lucky and live in one off the countries who actually do winter and summertime, you might have noticed you could sleep in for an extra hour this morning. I haven't noticed. I probably slept a bit longer without being aware off it. But by now it's sinking in it's winter time.

*

I have been complaining a bit about not having a family but having a lot off ingredients allready in stock to prepare a perfect dessert if I had them. I decided to pick myself up a bit, and I made de Boed a cheesecake with an easy topping I also had in stock. 

I made them a perfect cheesecake with lemon taste, topped with decorative white chocolate hearts. It looked perfect that way, and people loved eating it. I don't know if it beats the heartwarming feeling off gratefull young children, but I felt warmed by their appreciation. I got complimented all the time for how perfect I made it. Sometimes it takes just that to get over with a feeling off loss. These are the people I cook food for, this is the life I lead. It just felt wonderfull. I feel best when I feel people are admiringly thankfull for what I do for them. 

That's how one overcomes a crisis: Don't dwell in thoughts off loss, as I could do without what I already have, and simply support people throughout what's going on in the world and help them make it through. In my case, it's by cooking tasty foods for them. It's buddhistic wisdom to help others and make yourself feel less miserable. (Western theories disagree with it, but it's how I mainly deal with my issues. I feel like I need it sometimes, so I do that. I don't know if it's just egocentric or just the urge to be good and helpfull most off the time so I can deal with everything.)  it soothes. That's what I mainly feel when doing that. 

*

Monday is groccery shopping day for me and my fellow clients. We head to a large supermarket driven in a van and got what we needed this week. I felt off minded, I had a male voice in my mind commenting on my outfit. I felt fashionable (I wore camel pants and a camel sweater, with my black walking shoes under it.) but it told me I looked horrendous today. It told me with funny remarks so I laughed out loud a lot about it. (I felt offended but amused. It's not healthy to have voices like that, as they take up a lot off your attention and leave you empty handed as they're not actuall people. It might feel hilarious but it's a bad thing.) I'm glad I could count on care-taker support when making my way through the supermarket. As it's mentionable I'm not doing well at the moment. I wonder how I came up with someone I have never ever spoken in real life to begin with. I'm one off the few people who is stronger than her voices most off the time. I don't feel intimidated by them, I talk back with a lot off wit so it's bearable to have them in mind. I fight back. It's not always handy as they can break you from reality and require all off your mental focus so you're talking with imaginairy people most off the time. I suppose that makes me weird. It's exhausting as it continues all the time. except when I'm among a group off others, so I have to focus on real people. It's just that recently, I have become somewhat distant from people and started those inner fights in public again. I'm glad people take good care off me when I'm too much at it.  

This evening is for taking my rest at home with some mandarins and a pot off ayurvedic tea. (It's flavor 'detox.' but it's perfect if you like spiced teas in autumn and winter.) Aside from that, not much is happening this night. And I don't mind about that. Sometimes the sweet serenity off your own home is all a person can handle at times. 

  

 

 

Prepare yourselves, second lockdown is comming

 

Good afternoon everyone, 

As far as I can see, infection rates in this country are increasing and as that might go on, I believe we're heading towards a second serious lockdown. I believe what's going on now is already driving some people mad (I don't know why. I have been handling it myself pretty well this far) I have been probably indulging in a fantasy about a cute single man going insane yesterday while actually he missed someone like me in his home. I must explain to you that I have spend long times on my own at home during crisises off several kind before this one, I know how to handle a serious ass crisis and not getting to panic. As that was the state off being in the house I grew up most off the time when I was in my late teens, early twenties. I had little money and no good friends, I probably came out off that schizophrenic, but I know how to handle the feeling off something falling apart and a crisis going on, for about 8 to 6 years probably. I'm mentally prepared but most people wouldn't consider me that way when they see me. It's a crisis, it's nothing to panic over. If everything else fails, start writing. Start getting creative, start improving in your hobbies and let them be an outcome for a triggered mind. As it's the perfect place for most madness. Depend on your family and make sure you bond with them well. It's a health crisis and who knows they might not survive, just like my father back then during my personal crisis. Make sure you won't leave yourself with a sense off guilt towards any family member. I have to deal with that. I feel like I haven't given my father enough. I haven't done enough for the old man during our time togheter and that hurts. We where incredibly close and likeminded but I felt I did too little for him. He died short after I had my first diagnosed delusions. I wish to sugest to my readers to make the best off the time they have / have left with their family whetheter they are diagnosed with COVID-19 or not. It's best to show people you love you appreciate them. 

And promise to  no one but yourself: 'I'm going to make it through this. I'm going to act mature, I'm going to take on this by doing fun things at home so I keep peace at mind, I'm going to make the best off life even after the world has been drained into a crisis. No matter what. I will survive all off this, and I will survive gracefully. Not gucko from being alone or scared all the time.' Life may seem short, but it can be demanding while you live it so it may seem long and pointless at times while you live it. But keep in mind you won't let yourselves be drowned by what's going on these days. Grow to tell the tale and get proud off yourselves after all off this is done long afterwards. 

Allright, that's about it for today. Thank you for reading.   

What would be if I was in charge off my life.

 

Good afternoon everyone, 

It's raining cats and dogs at this moment in the Netherlands. It's an autumn storm. I hope most people are feeling safe and warm at home. And not being stuck in traffic or something off the like at this moment. I feel a bit like complaining about my life today. 

*

'The kids are terrified, they're so scared off Corona. How are we going to handle this?' Me: 'Don't worry. We're going to prepare a stuffed pumpkin for dinner this afternoon, and while it's roasting in the oven, we're going to colour some colouring books and mandala's to keep everyone at peace this afternoon.' 

This might sound a bit sour, or even stupid. Or just incredibly needy. I have been thinking a bit this afternoon, and somehow I visualized a bunch off anxious people who where just terrified for Corona. Not necessairily my kids, but some people in need. And I felt like taking care off that by making them feel comfortable today by doing something cozy. That would probably be my solution if I had a family in real life. I would make every day go by calm and making them feel at peace at home. Keeping a serene atmosphere where people would pass by this crisis at peace. We would have that beautifull cheesecake with some stewed pears for dessert, and I would make dinner the high point off our day. This evening being rainy actually screams for something like that. But I have pumpkin nor wine, I probably have to spend my evening at de Boed where they serve something I simply have to accept this evening. I'm not fertile, I have no kids and no household to take care off. Sometimes that's a good thing, but it's someting I do defenetely miss in life. I have luck with other things.   

Stuffed pumpkin out off the oven has been on my wishlist for quite some time to try. I don't have the opportunity to make it, whatsoever. I spotted it in some woman's magazine at de Boed's coffee table and came across the idea several times in food and supermarket magazines. It's the perfect autumn dish. I forbid myself to complain out loud about not getting the chance to prepare it. As it might come off ungratefull and bratty. I think I'd better be a good girl this evening and think off the money I don't have to spend while eating their food, and be thankfull for whatever they serve me. I hope they have something with an autumn feel this evening. That's all I wish for. I should talk about this with a specialist. It's a strong feeling to miss a family and my own home. Rain has become dripply now. I should pick myself up, realise that I'm at least not as pathetic and sad as Vana Events, and go on with life today.         

Good afternoon at the 24th off October, 2020.

 

Good afternoon everyone, 

´Honey, would you like to drive me to the nearest Albert Heijn? I feel a bit anxious today, my fears are heaping up and I need some ingredients for our sunday dessert. A bottle off Canei, some pineapple jam and a can off wipped cream. Dessert tomorrow will be a lemon cheesecake with a layer off pineapple jam turned into a jelly topping and a bit off whipped cream for decoration, and a stewed pear, prepared with the Canei and some spices. I got that idea from that cookbook I got from my mother. I wish to make a restaurant worthit dessert for tomorrow, but I don´t feel well today.´ ´It´s allright, I´ll get us to the Albert Heijn´s.´ ´Thank you.´ 

- I´m afraid that´s not how chances are for me today. I have the urge to make that dessert. Sweet, smelling like heaven on a plate and tasty, but I´m afraid I have no one to drive me to the supermarket when I feel semi-delusional like today, paralized by my fears. My first idea was to take a walk to the supermarket and get what I wanted, and prepare the dessert for tomorrow and serve it to fellow patients at de Boed for dessert. What else would I do with it? I have most stuff for it already on stock, it just needs a few ingredients to give it some tasty details. At this moment I´m like ´I don´t feel well today, I feel too paralized by my fears to get me anywhere today, and I feel somewhat off a fear for my fellow patients since they look at me like I´m the dessert when I serve them stuff like this.´ That got me feared the most. I have a gut feeling that tells me I should beware for them with things like this. If I had a special someone, I would not have to fear anything. I have the bad luck to live in a care home, though. I have the secret dream to get myself out off here and have my own home and a special someone to cook and bake for. 

These days, I have become weary. Weary and carefull about most off my actions since I fear the consequences to what I do. Usually I would fearlessly get after anything and just do it without resentment. (Well, most things. Nothing too dangerous, but still.) These days I feel like I could insult people with my actons and get a lot off meaningless anger over me by them. Or even worse, being assaulted because off being a young woman on my own. I already have a habbit off never getting out late at night after I had dinner with the Leviaan group. So for safety sake I stay in at night before 19.00 P.M and I feel good by that. I´m a bit off a hermit. I prefer to spend my nights safe at home. I never got where the insults come from that I´m a whore or a slut and that I sleep around with several men at night. (It comes from people who wish to tar me down and should not be taken serious in any matter.) I barely see anyone in the evening. Some people are just terrible with their gossip. Anyway, I stay at home and spend my nights there. Safe and sound.  

The world is not out off essential goods yet

 

Good evening everyone, 

I have made a previous blog post about something I think is fair for the world after Corona: 

Simply to put it back to a point zero, after which it can be fairly build up again without letting common folks pay too much for it, and drain it into even more crisis and despair. 

Poverty is not funny. It can lead to disasters like, people voting for a dangerous leader which they might see as a saviour to their problems, who might turn out dangerous afterwards. Like, what has happened before world war II. I hope it won't get that far with the current state off our world. But world leaders, companies and banks have to understand this point off vieuw. Though it's merely written to prevent people from becomming even more poor than they already are. 

The next subject I'd like to bring up, is that the world isn't out off essential goods which are necessairy to live. I believe people can still provide themselves basic needs if they think smart and act smart with their money. Despite this world being into a crisis, you can still make yourself a good living. What that actually means varies by case. I don't like to point my finger too much to people, but to quit smoking and drinking is a good idea at this moment so you might have more money to spend on basics which you might need more druing a crisis. I believe we can do it. All we need is a strong mindset. Sometimes that takes practice, sometimes that comes to us out off nowhere. Still I believe people can survive without panic or putting the world into actual danger. Sometimes I wish more people had a determined mindset off their own. 

To become handy and start to repair broken things instead off throwing them away when that's not necessairy, is also a good idea in a world like this. It can save you a lot, while you can still dress / live well with what you already have. Think smart and overthink if you actually need something. Don't agressively spend your money on things that aren't truly needed and save yourself some money for the situation after this crisis. You might need it. 

These trics are some things taken out off my life before corona. I had barely any money when I was a teen / young adult but still I prevent myself from hitting rock bottom by acting smart with what I have. Somehow I grow a bit tired off being poor. I had a short time where I could spend just a little more, but I'm afraid I have to re-use things from that period nowadays. Still, if you think and act smart when you barely have money, you can perfectly live without having to panic. Fear and panic are the last things we need nowadays. People need to keep their head cool and their mind focused, as that is what is going to help. 

Alright, that's about it for this evening. Thank you for reading.  

A mundial reset for the world and it's economics after Corona is done.

 

Good evening at the 17th off October, 2020.

 

Good evening everyone, 

It's stone cold and gloomy weather in the Netherlands. Corona infections are increasing nation wide and most governmental steps to decrease the virus are more strict, most things are closed. 

I decided to start living more from out my emotions, but I mention if I turn to my real emotions, most off the time I feel sad and depressed. It's not much off a cheerfull mindset to start to actually feel instead off acting purely rational most off the time. Emotional reactions seem to be more like how other people react in my case, (Sometimes I feel a bit alienated from others due to reactions and mindsets I don't seem to get, or them reacting on an emotional level which I usually see as biggot and a bit cowardish often. I'm mentally on a diffrent level than most.) but as irrational as emotions are, they aren't nice and easy to live with. Being rational causes emotions but it makes me feel less depressed somehow. Though even care takers tell me it's a good thing to live from out your emotions more and not always put on a brave face. I felt I was on a level where it almost broke me. But being emotion driven isn't everything either. 

Something is wrong with me this month, I'm falling backwards into mental distress and delusions. Talking with care takers about the matter helps me to clear things up and help me see what I'm actually going through. It isn't fun. There have been several stressfull events these months in my life. I seem to have a dangerous criminal with a record and several news assignments in my appartment's gallery. I feel on my nerves already, but this month he got arrested by several police cars. I wasn't at home during that event, but I heard from another neighbour what happened when I got home. 

A friend off mine is about to die. She has been treated for cancer but it didn't help. She is given up by doctors and she will die because off it. We don't know when that will take place, but it makes me feel sad. Life isn't fair sometimes. I feel so much sorry for what is going to happen to her. She was one off the few people who was actually there for me and my family in real life when things in our lives got bad. She's in her early fourties and she has twin sons in their teens. She has a wheelchair and she can't walk. I have had her over for dinner a few times. I feel it's so unfair for some people to go through things like this. It makes me so incredibly upset with life. 

I don't know how it happend, but I distant myself from my neighbours now my mental problems seem to get worse. Probably because I think off them as a bit narrow minded and negative minded most off the time. All they seem to do is complain about life and about others. They stick up their nose for fellow patients and somehow it feels wrong to be on their side in that. I know I can come off quite normal when I'm around them, but nowadays I can't seem to pick up the strength to come off strong. Or keep standing tall in my delusions so I choose to distant myself. I think I would have been disastrously isolated from others and the world if I wouldn't live in a care home. On the other hand, it does make me isolated since I barely meet people that way. Loneliness has delusional effects on my mind. It's a bad thing which I'm not able to cure for myself. I feel so sad this month. 

I still go to de Boed, I focus on making delicious and wholesome foods for group dinner. It's my attempt to help them to make it through the Corona Crisis. By making them eat tasty. I put my entire heart in the dishes I prepare. I can't seem to come up with anything else but to cook or bake these days for my hobby. Nothing seems interesting anymore. Life is so shallow and gloomy without a drive. Something to live for, a goal, something to safe my mortal soul. I don't have anything like that. It's so cold outside, it's cold in my home and I don't know if I'm going to make it through my own peronal crisises. 

To be honest, I don't really care about events not happening, or restaurants being closed, or shopping streets being restricted. As long as I can put food on the table that doesn't matter that much to me. I didn't go out that much before this crisis and I bet I can do without after it's done. People shouldn't be so prissy and selfish when it comes to following Corona rules. The more they put their shoulders under this crisis, the earlier we might get out off the whole thing and then it's over for good. I wish people would act more smart and compassionate about it. You'd almost wish upon them to get Corona so they would know what it actually is for that they have to follow those rules. That would be good for them. Most off the time I'm not resentfull like this but I feel it would be fair this time. The world isn't in a crisis over nothing. 

I wish there would be a smart way to get out off mental health care and build up a real life before it's too late and I have grown too old to make something out off life. I feel stuck. I wish I had other people to talk with, people who get me and who don't make me feel like I'm on a diffrent mental level than they are. It's a bit hard being miss understood and it's a bit lonesome. I wish I had real friends. That would help me out. 

    

 

A small side table safed from being thrown away.

 

Good evening everyone, 

This is the result off me saving a side table from thrash, it needed to be repaired and dyed a nice shade off green to be put in a state a bit better before it got broken. 

I didn´t cheat by skipping the inside. It´s completely dyed green. Except for the small ends to it´s legs. But it will stand on that all the time so the paint might come off too easily. I decided on keeping them bare. 

Today I have varnished it, it´s about to dry, and then it will be placed back in the sitting room corner where I found it. They told me they are about to buy a plant to put on it for extra decoration. 

For someone who has worked about 3 years in an upcycling, I don´t know much about re-constructing furniture, or how to re-create it so it becomes even better. My co-workers from the Upcycling (I took a day off today.) are true masters in that. I just repaired this and dyed it. With just a little effort, I got de Boed something nice to use for decoration. 

Allright, that´s about it. Thank you all for reading.  

Good evening at the 18th off September, 2020.

 

Good evening everyone, 

An idea for a book came up in my mind. For a book or tv-show or even a movie, where one off the main characters is schizophrenic, but on the other hand always wants to be dependable. When something or someone big asks her to be reliable and asks her for something important where she has to keep sincere integrity, her sane mental state perfectly is, but when she becomes delusional and gets an episode off her schizophrenia, it falls apart and the thing breaks down. The show could focus on this characteristics, and how lame she feels everytime she gets out off the delusional state and her true personality takes over again. And how she develops over time.  

It could be a touching plot for a tv show or a movie. It should be called 'Trust me like anything.' - I wish I could write literature. But my story would be much bigger and more complicated like that, if it would be about me, I would focus on what has happened in my life due to my disease. The main character in 'Trust me like anything.' would just be an outtake off specific parts and more focused on personal traits than on major happenings. 'Trust me like anything.' would not be a suitable title for my story. I'm most off the time dependable, I barely break promises, but something big asking me for help never crossed my path, to be honest. 

**

Girl Power 

I have been repairing a small side table at de Boed. It was placed in a living room-like corner, with a few couches and a TV, but it was broken and life-less. With some dangerous screws sticking out at a place where something was missing. I happened to be annoyed by the thing for a few weeks, wondering why there was no handy man available to repair it, (You'd wonder why they'd place that there to begin with.) But then I thought to myself: 'Why don't you do it yourself?' women, in the 21st century, (especially me.) Should know better than to depend on a man. I took the item to a creative corner, and with some help from two other ladies who repaired the small bars and screwed a replacing bar back in place, I made something out off it. After I got a little help to repair it, I decided on to dye it olive green. There was nothing against dying it green, (No complaints from de Boed's management) and now it's getting dry with it's second coat off green paint on.

I have been scrubbing and dying it myself, it happened in two days. (Not that it took me two days to dye it, but it took time for both coats off paint to dry.)  I'll varnish it this weekend, or on monday (It depends on who is at service during weekends if I'm allowed to do so this weekend.) and put it back in that corner afterwards and hopefully give the entire corner a little more allure.  

They are thankfull for me to have taken on that work. The plan is to place something nice on top to finish it's decorating function. I saved them money and got them a nice piece off decoration. Women should get more into DIY works, especially if they are single or in any other way have no man in their lives to do it for them. 

I'm a single woman, my father is death and my brothers live in another village. I can't just ask a strange man to do things for me. I wish to become a little more handy myself. Though I am thankfull for the women who helped me repairing that side table. Despite it being necessairy for me myself to become handy, It's fun to work with other people on the other hand and work alltogheter on something. (I have been thinking more about this. Wishing to be capable to do more DIY) I'll place a picture off that side table on here after the varnish has dried. Women can do anything. I hope I inspired people with this. 

My personal lesson from this, and to all off my readers: If you think you can do something about an issue in your surrounding instead off only complaining about it, I think you should do it and solve the problem instead. No matter what gender you have. ( but this matter is a little more ment to motivate girl power.) 

Allright, that's about it. 

Thank you for reading.  

    

Good evening at the 16th off September, 2020.

 

I had to make soup without the requested ingredients. I could blame myself for it, as I had handed my list off groceries for the Minestrone soup (Italian soup.) a bit too late. I had to work with what could be found in de Boed´s pantry. I got quite far with broth cubes, fresh herbs, potatoes, minced meat and some vegetables actually ment for bami and luckily I found a left over off vermicelli I have used before. I´m glad I requested a stock off broth cubes for soup making every wednesday. I had no complaints so far. Luckily no one mentioned the lack off ingredients. (I can be a bit laid back when it comes to handing over requests, or promises like that. I should learn from this, but I know ahead I´m going to be slack with it a next time and a time after that. You´d think I´d be higher educated if I wouldn´t be slack with such things. I have had that issue at school, and I am unfortunately not much working ahead off deadlines as a grown up woman either.) 

I managed to prepare wednesday soup, despite everything. Luckily. 

What I did make in time, was apple crumble for the entire dinner group today, but that was due to them having a huge amount off apples.  I was allowed to lay my hands on them and make something with it today. It turned out pretty well. I love making apple crumble a lot during fall, as apples are my ´comfort cooking.´ as you could say it. And during fall they are in season.

**

This monday, I made a necklace and a bracelet in some amazing bold colours. I think they look festive and floral. 

  

I considered to keep them myself, but they have been on the shelve for two days, and I decided to donate them to de Boed's outlet shop to help them making a bit off money and to let them be worn and appreciated by other women. As most off the time I don't wear what I make myself. I don't know why. I do have a set off self-made earrings I wear when I wish to feel fabulous, but neck and wrist jewelry is barely worn by me. So it's for the lucky woman who finds them tomorrow/ whenever it's found by someone in de Boed's shop. 

***

I had a bit off a depressed feeling yesterday. I believe it has to do with my job at the Upcycling shop. When I'm working there, I enjoy it but it takes so much energy and I feel inspirationless these weeks when I'm there. I have been making children's treats, but a piece off jewelry (What I'm actually hired for) doesn't come out off my hands. Something makes it hard and almost draining to pick up my work and start creating items again like I used to. What I've been making already sells pretty well, but new jewelry, or even a few cute earrings, are hard to feel inspired for. It slurps energy rather than giving me energy. I'm one off these lucky people who have a creative job, I shouldn't complain. But it's probably a good idea to take a break from it. I decided not to attempt tomorrow to re-load my energy (aka, doing something at de Boed instead) and see when or if I feel like going there again. I feel less gloomy by deciding to take a break and calling off for tomorrow. I hope this doesn't sound spoiled. I know people who would do anything to have a job anyway, or who would do anything for a creative job like mine. It's just that I can't put up with it anymore. I don't know why. I'm sorry to my great colleagues and the two amazing managers who are most off the time helping me perfectly. I feel spoiled. But on the other hand, my energies are almost back by deciding not to go. 

allright, that's about it for today. 

I hope you enjoyed reading.  

 

 

It got sucked out off my thumb - and that´s no lie.

 

Good evening everyone, 

Warning: Medical news, it might not be a pleasant thing to read for some people. 

There has been this issue going on with them taking my blood for a bloodtest having to do with my guts. This morning, another specialist showed up at my house to give it a try, (About the third in three weeks) And she suceeded, she could not get it out off my arms, but when making a fist with my right arm, she told me a vein on my thumb showed up beautifully while doing so, and she tapped off five small tubes off blood out off my right thumb. I hope something shows. If nothing shows, they have no information on which based they can help me any further. If something shows- they have a clue on how to help me, despite no diarrhea has been going on these weeks. The Mebeverine has been stopped, and I must say, I have no cramps in my stomach anymore these weeks. I doubt anything serious will show. 

Being pricked in your thumb vein is a bit more painfull than to be pricked in your arm veins. Still I refused to let that pain get in the way off the necessairy blood they had to take. It was for my own good will to hold my breathe a bit. I´ll get the result within a week or two. If anything serious shows up, they´ll inform me about that ahead. 

Alright, that´s about it for this weblog. I feel like writing more today, as this wasn´t just a day for a bloodtest. 

Thank you for reading.   

Stone cold

 

Good evening everyone. 

If you could make up a world, what standards and what values would you like the inhabitants to have?

I'm worried, I believe that what was once prcious to me has rotated 90 degrees and has changed to a mentality I take my hands off. I feel it's not right to show up there anymore if you are plus size, an outcast or simply truly diffrent from the rest and that it has become the kind off rat race I'm not into, and I would never drag myself through that. It's a shame the fantasy world has become like that. 

In a land before time, all people where accepted completely no matter how weird they where, or how ugly 'real life.' assumed they where. That's all gone now. 

It has become superficial and it grows even more superficial each day and I'm not into it. I loathe that kind off mentallity. They can shove it in their ass. I feel allright, I'm not crying. I feel annoyed but it's rather something that makes me think: 

'Just when you think Vana Events and it's followers can't sink any lower, they prove me wrong and hit rock bottom again.' 

And they anoy me even more with their infantile behaviour which doesn't even hurt anymore since I expect nothing but morron behaviour from them. It's not me, it's them. It's the main reason why I refuse to show up at their events anymore and decided to focus on soft and friendly real life instead, Real life gives so much more fullfillment now than that group off superficial retards ever has done. It's one off my well-kept secrets that I do well in real life and don't need the appreciation off fake people like them, or 'the internet.' Whatever shady and ignorant that might mean nowadays. 

Allright, that's about it. 

Thank you for reading.  

 

To be pricked or not to be pricked

 

Good afternoon everyone, 

Warning: Medical news. It might gross some people out. 

Thursday morning I had an appointment with a specialist from General Practice, or probably from SALT (The countries biggest organisation for bloodtests.) (She didn't tell) It just turned out I'm impossible to prick, and my veins on both side are too hard for her to be found despite her professionality in bloodtests. 

It's something to be weary about. I'm not at panic, but it's not a handy thing to be so hard to be tapped blood from for serious medical tests. My guts are behaving well, though this morning I had cramps due to having a lot off unhealthy yet very delicious foods yesterday. I don't want to blame my mother for that, it's just that I came over to her and she decided on to order Turkish for dinner and it came with plenty off roasted meat, garlic sauce, fries and a too delicious kebab rice. I never eat like that and I couldn't help but shoving in a lot. We had some Ben & Jerry's ice cream for dessert, so you can guess the condition to my guts this morning. It's only once in a while I eat like that. Mainly I live sober and probably as healthy as I can get. I think everything will be allright once I got home, and it's passed and I'm on my usuall lifestyle again where I think I need to mock over every small cup off fresh coffee I drink. (I've had about five today only, but I prefer to blame myself as mom probably thinks she spoils me this weekend.) I think in general, the medical condition to my guts is not so bad, as long as I don't force things too much. But isn't that something natural? If you overly force things in your body, it's going to get damaged. On the other hand, I can't resist a feast like yesterday evening with my family. I'm glad I took part, despite to have had to pay a price this morning. It's sometimes impossible to weigh in mind what matters most at such a situation. 

The next step in this annoying thing with my veins going on, is that I have to go to a location where SALT pricks blood, or even worse: to the hospital if things don't do at their blood test location. Mom told me she has this issue with her veins aswell, so it's running a bit in the family. Luckily, she could be helped at a SALT location.   

***

I believe de Boed misses my baking this weekend, but I just needed a break from the usuall. Visiting my family is often a fun thing to do these days. I have been shopping a bit in their town for post cards (I'm a bit old fashioned, I send post cards to people sometimes instead off just using the internet.) and things from the drugstore. The bookstore in Castricum (where my family lives) has gorgeous post cards, inspired by art from a variety off museums which are just stunning compared to standard franchise book store post cards. Post stamps are ridiculously expensive and they become more expensive each year, but I still buy them as, well, you need them to send your postcards. It's fun to pick just the right one for someone where you think they will highly appreciate the image and the message. I love that.

Tomorrow I will go home to Zaandam, I have an urge to go out more and do more fun things than just being in at home or go to work all the time, or just going to de Boed. It probably takes a bit more than a coffee around the corner to get some fresh air in my mind these days. I probably need a bit off a vacation. Or a few fun trips if that isn't possible. Just -something- to take more breaks from everyday life to keep me going every day.  

Allright, that's about it.   

Thank you for reading.