Good evening at the 30th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was moody weather. It was grey and cloudy outside and it was cold. 

*

I feel incredibly tired, it could be because off being on my period or because I could use a bit more excercise on a regulair basis instead off doing little, (I took a small walk around the block after dinner this evening) Today was a good day, however. Because I was buisy in my kitchen for de Boed, practicing my hobby and having a dreamy result to serve my fellow clients, neighbours, staff, (friends) and them liking my work is the best reward I can get tomorrow. It's always a bit nervous making, hoping they will like my food. It helps me to keep on making them good, and the process keeps on going well that way, but, still I hope you wish me luck for tomorrow. 😉 

I got a new baking book today. Translated it's called 'The baking atlas.' And it contains receipes from all around the world. It's by my baking hero Rutger van den Broek and in Dutch it writes 'De bak atlas.' I wanted to have it when it came out in October previous year, but only spoiled brats can get what they want by the snatch off their fingers. Ordinairy people have to wait sometimes untill they can have what they want. And it's good to have it a bit more desired by waiting for it for a while. Otherwise it might have been a bit too easy to obtain and I might have lost my interest in it early. But for now I'm breaking my head on how to use all the techniques descripted in the book. It's going to be a challenge to master Scandinavian breads or French patisserie. I came to the conclusion that this country lacks a Swedish bakery. One that sells Swedish sweet breads like Kardemombullar and more goodness from Sweden. (Princess cakes, more sweet breads, Swedish cookies-) I think you'd earn big money if you would start something like that in Amsterdam or more near where I live. A chain off Swedish bakeries would be incredibly nice. Sometimes I come up with good business plans but I lack the capacity to make them happen. 

To make all Swedish / Scandinavian things I want to eat would take me some practice but I want to taste it more early on. But like I said, only spoiled brats can get what they want by the snatch off their fingers. Plain old me just can't. I think I can count myself lucky I received the baking atlas one day after ordering it online, on a Saturday. (When I saw that on their website, delivering the next day and even on Saturday, I was like 'Na-ah, you're not going to make that happen. I don't believe it.' Since post takes longer than two days to deliver stuff. But still it happened.) Allright, I'm a bit spoiled today. A big cheers to the website Bol.com for doing what's stated on their website. 

I can also count myself lucky with my non-bake biscuit cake for tomorrow. Instead off looking where the gras is greener, but it's an issue a hobbyist has. Plans keep on popping up right after you finished one. It's never done and that's how a hobby works. Still, it's good to enjoy what you've recently made and celebrate it when it's a succes. That's what it simply deserves. Otherwise it'd be a waste. And wasting a good cake in these expensive times is NOT a good idea.      

Allright, that's about it,- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 30th off April, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today the weather is grey and cloudy and it's cold for this time off year. I pity those who have to pay a high energy bill this year and as far as temperature outside goes- I think it won't be a mild one. 

*

I'm making a chique version off an 'Arretjescake.' A non-bake chocolate biscuit cake which is an old Dutch classic. Though I followed a receipe with nuts in it. 

I followed this receipe. I'm at the stage where you're supposed to wait an hour before making the ganache. It's larger and it's in a springform. Dutch 'Arretjescake.' Is made in a pound cake pan, and I needed a larger springform than the receipe required but I think it will be forgiven by de Boed since they often have a large crowd for coffee (even on Sunday.) so it's a good think to make a lot. This blog requires a picture off the finished project, which will be tomorrow since then it's time to lay the last hand on it and decorate it with toasted walnuts. I hope I will like the taste tomorrow. And other people will like it. Hey, I can't get stuck with a lot off cake. That would not be healthy for me to eat.  

I feel so incredibly tired. I have slept bad this night and I'm exhausted from barely doing anything. I have been like that for a few days now. I don't understand. You'd say taking vitamin supplements would get me more healthy. I just barely feel it. I think I should see a doctor about it, it's that bad being so exhausted all the time, but it could also be my new medication. 

-some time later- 

I added the chocolate ganache! It's now waiting untill tomorrow so I can decorate my cake with walnuts and then serve it to people. It's one off the best things to do during the week, baking on Saturday and sharing it with de Boed on Sunday. Now it's time for coffee. I think I'm going to take a baking break though, Since I've been doing it almost every week and I want to do other things during the weekend. de Boed's coffee crowd won't be gratefull to me not baking them something within two weeks, but next week I'm asked to bake something for Dutch Liberation Day (The 5th off May) and then it's Mother's day so I won't be home that weekend. I think I will take my break the week after that. You won't believe how tired I am. I think I need a vocation. I haven't been on a trip for a long time. 

What necked me last night was thinking off how increased costs affected so much poor people. The thought and feeling where almost unbearable so I had some bad sleep thinking I wasn't asleep while waking up from overthinking. A bit off nasty lucid dreaming. I can't stand this unfairnes. It makes me so upset to think about it. Everyone is poor nowadays and has to take it spare. I keep on comparing things off these days with how it could have been or how it was about 10 to 12 years ago when the world was still getting by well. But I ruminate about that time sometimes. (This could have been so much better if  the times where only better.) But I suppose it makes me a bit spoiled. I could also try gratitude for what we still do have instead off looking back and thinking in 'what if's.' 

I hope my chocolate biscuit cake will soften some edges for those who eat it tomorrow. I decided to make it with a decadent amount off ganache, just like it's supposed to be when times are not so bad. But I can count myself lucky I can still afford that. Man, these days... so unfair and it's so hard to accept. In my ideal world, there would be enough off food, energy and stuff we need without people getting broke on it. I hope we will get out off this and it won't take too much off our time. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

A video I'd like to share with you.

 Good evening everyone, 

I'd like to share another video about a cat that got adopted from the shelter. 

The cat passed away this year but he had such a happy ending off his life with this family. It's how a story should end. People could be compassionate with cats and adopt them when they have a story. I just love the video this evening, 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for watching. 

Good afternoon at the 28th off April, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cold and grey and cloudy. Sunshine is spare where they forecasted a beautifull and bright day. 

*

Today is for a stay-in-at-home day as I needed one. I'm getting a bit off rest after yesterday and I'm doing a bit off laundry and drink some tea. Next week will be Mother's day and I have been asking my accountant for an amount off money for a gift for mom. I haven't been up to much today. I received the program for the renovation today so I can see what will happen next week in their planning. There's a weekend in between (One where I will not be at home) so I suppose my house will be a bit messy next week. I think the renovation is needed and will do good for this building. Some people have complained, but they complain about everything and I don't give them much off a chance to win actions against the renovation, so- A new windowframe it is. Sometimes renewal does good for people even though they are strong minded against it. I think new windowframes won't do bad for this place. It's not like they want to build a new shoppingmall at this place. It's just a renewall that can do so much good for this place. 

I somehow hope my actions for my immune system will pay off. I decided to take vitamin supplements last week every day and immune tea. There are a lot off colds and flus at de Boed and Corona is still around so it can't do bad in my opinion to guard yourself with vitamins and tea against it. I'm interested in the subject off healthy foods. It's just that I love sweet foods and I'm dependent on de Boed for my evening meals every day. It's not bad to take vitamin pills when you need them. 

I have something to look out for- the dessert bible will be published this November and I'm so glad about it. It's been something I have been looking up to for almost a year. I love it. It's by Rutger van den Broek so that promises something good. I can't wait to lay my hands on it and purchase one. Now it's just waiting untill November- that's quite some time. It's always good to make good desserts and eat them. (Not for your body, but for your mind and that is part off our well-being too.) I have to accept a simple bowl off vla every evening at de Boed and sometimes a pre-packed icecream if we're lucky. I'm so delighted I get the chance to make something myself and probably invite people for a home made dinner with a home made dessert when the dessert bible is out. It's about time by then to do so. As I might have told you, my friend who I did that with has passed away and I think I need to get out to ask someone new to cook for, though I do hard with it since I find it hard thinking who to invite. But still- I'm excited about the dessert bible getting published this year. I have some people around at this place I could ask but I'm a bit shy with it so far. 

As far as that goes, this week has aspects that make life a bit better compared to some time ago. 

- Yummy tea

- The dessert bible getting published 

- Good laundry wash 

- New appreciaters for my soup 

- The promise off a new coffee maker (The old one is almost rotten through, it's time for a new one) 

- A care taker doing perfectly what he should do and truly helping me 

 - There being wraps on the menu this evening. It's better than the average boiled potato (I can't see them anymore. We eat them way too much.) wraps is a nice change for today. 

Life is getting good, finally. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 27th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was grey and cloudy, and cold. 

*

Today was for a special Wednesday Soup edition, the orange kingsday edition. It didn't turn out picture perfect orange, I think that was due to the Boursin Cuisine I adjusted to it, it was a bit more pale. A warm yellow so to say- but nevertless, a succes. 

It was such a crowded day at de Boed. I had people having lunch with us who never attend so it was such a thumbs up for me having them say they liked my soup. (Not everyone had a bowl, but the people who did complimented me.) Picky old neighbours, random strangers, people I've only seen from a distance- they thought my soup was great. Aside to our usuall crowd. I believe I've fed over 25 people today at lunch. I had and have my doubts if we served them a lunch that was good enough for kingsday, but we had no complaints and I've heard before I can compete with restaurants and fancy hotels, so I should get that pressure off off my shoulder. Still it's a challenge, wishing to serve my crowd the best I can make them. (I'm still a bit insecure, even after two years and a whole lot off compliments later. Sometimes I can't help that. But it's good for the process off soup making as it keeps me on track and focused with it. It helps me to give it my best so the compliments keep coming.) 

After Wednesday Soup and allright, two or three funny games (I wanted to play a few as they seemed fun.) I went home since I was exhausted by 14.30 and made myself some tea. Still I had a succesfull morning. It's something to remember, this perfect edition off Wednesday Soup. I just wish our neighbours where invited more often for Wednesday Soup lunch as they love it. On the other hand, I understand the clients can't take such a large lunch crowd on a daily base. And it was a tour de force for me. It's just that it's a good thing (In my opinion, as I like serving them good soups) to have them over every once in a while but let's keep it at ease for the clients and not ask too much off everyone. (Including me) 

I'm still tired from Kingsday and I believe I will take a day off tomorrow. Just getting my medication and then go home and take it easy all day as I need that. I probably need a bit off a rest this entire weekend. And to be honest, why not? I have no big plans this weekend. Sometimes a weekend requires a bit off me-time and a lot off tea. (I have two teas I love drinking. One is that detox tea, and the other one is an Ayurverdic immune tea I ordered online previous week. I have no big plans so it's tea time this weekend.💖) And who's to say it's wrong? I'm still on my period so I need that. It's almost a bit awkward how I can feel so happy by the foresight off drinking a lot off tea this weekend and just do my laundry or so. (Life at easy and small steps for mental people sometimes isn't bigger than that.)       

There are a lot off things to be happy about today: 

I modelled my hair by blowdrying it previous evening. And sleeping with it tied in my neck so today after brushing it this morning, I looked good. (Just a bit off glam for kingsday. I allowed myself to.) It's no use to wear make-up in my soupkitchen so fancying my hair it was. It was a good idea.  

I made a lot off people happy serving them perfect Kingsday soup. It was one big succes. I love how people enjoy my foods. It's what makes me most happy during the week. 

A cheer for Ayurverdic immune tea, and for it tasting so good. I had a teapot off it this evening. I simply hoped to keep myself from getting sick by drinking it, but it's taste is a nice plus.    

A care taker doing his job perfectly and helping me improving my life. Most have that intention, he simply does it. He understands me, I have someone to talk to on a good level off understanding and he helps me with aspects off life like new items I need, knowing how to treat me, and guiding me perfectly. This is what I need in a care taker. I have the feeling it's finally getting somewhere. Him being a man does good for me as I appreciate his male point off vieuw on things and it's handy. I thought I didn't need a man in my life, but it's a helpfull thing. He's not a love interest, he's just perfect at doing his job and I rather feel a family kind off connection with him though it's a bit early on to say 'it's a father figure.' I'm weary with that title but it somehow feels like that. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

 

 

  

Good afternoon at the 26th off April, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today was changing bright and sunny with cloudy but it was a great morning to be in the sun for a while. 

*

To me, nothing beats having my morning coffee in the sun at the small terrace behind de Boed. Nothing is better than mornings in the sun like that. I have been there untill 11.00 AM and I haven't burned my face. I turned a slightly bit red after a while and then got myself off off the terrace but nevertless, I assume I found a good sunscreen against burning. It's an expensive price for a small tube, though - but I need it. So it's worthit it's money. 

Yesterday, they started the renovation to this old building. They replaced letterboxes and they are about to change window frames. The worst thing about it is to have to get out off bed and get myself ready before 7.30. I'm NOT a morning person. It's almost a crime what they require off me, to get out that early, but it's a necessity for this building so I simply have to accept that. Today I received the new key for the letterbox. They look more modern but are a bit smaller than the old ones. I suppose they can have a small letterbox parcell. And they're good enough for what they're ment to do. so- legit. 

Today I feel tired. I had an electricity fail in my home this afternoon but I had healthcare staff helping me solving it. I'm glad it's all off service again. 

Sometimes places, people and stuff need a good update to keep on track with the world. Not everything, but when it's needed, it better takes place appropriately. 

In a world full off negativity, it's good to stay positive and keep on being gratefull for what we do have. So what's there to be positive about today? 

To have an eau de toilette (A scent) I often use when getting myself ready for the day. Thé Vert by Yves Rocher. It's a scent that represents green tea and it's fresh and green and the bottle is so large I have been using it for almost two years now. It smells amazing and original and somewhat sexy but it's not overdone. I have been using it a lot. I basically smell like a sexy green tea. (And I drink a lot off green tea.) So a good cheer for that scent. 

And a cheer for green tea in general. It's the perfect drink for the evening and it's so good for your system. I drink it almost every evening. Though this evening will be for green tea with yummy detox additions.  

Last but not least: A cheer for showers on days when you have your period. It's good to shower and keep clean when you feel bad so it's such a nice thing to have that luxury. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.        

Good evening at the 25th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been cloudy and grey. A bit off rain in the morning and it was a bit on the cold side outside. 

*

Today I'm on my period. I think women should open up more about their periods as I think it's a health matter that shouldn't be too much off a taboo. It's a necessity to speak up as it can safe us from troubles if we do so. I'm not someone who has her period regulairly and I don't really mind having it. I have no relationship and I can do in life as I please- so it's a good excuse to grab to comfort, be a bit loose and eat chocolate when I am. 

It's nut much off an issue, except that I had a big mouth to a care taker yesterday where otherwise I try to be polite to them. I think it will be less off an issue when I explain to her. (I had the idea it wasn't much off an issue, but nevertless- you never know for sure) 

So, I feel a bit moody yet I'm wishing to see the positive in life again. I did my laundry today with a good brand off washing liquid and softner. That's pure luxury these days- and my laundry and dryer are declared safe to use again by Leviaan staff. (I told you how they replaced the switching panel and it worked out fine.) I love doing the laundry. (I may sound a bit simple when it comes to that, but I think it's such a cozy household job) And my care takers will be glad with me when I tell them. Aside to that- I have clean and fresh clothes smelling wonderfull most off the time as it's fun to do the laundry and try new softners. I didn't have the luxury to that (expensive softners) when I still lived with my parents. It's something positive, - fresh laundry.- 

I have a box off new tea, I had a teapot off it this evening and it tastes good. Organic detox tea with green tea, lemon, elderflower and nettle. I saw it saying 'green organic detox tea.' without seeing it contained other ingredients aswell. (Usually I buy a good brand off green tea, but I didn't see my usuall tea on the shelves) Like I said, I'm a bit absent minded these days but today at grocery shopping it worked out fine. It's good to have good tea on stock.  

I think drinking tea, crying and letting go off emotions and swimming every often do well for a woman. I have the feeling it does well for hormones, physicall and mental well-being, though I have never seen evidence for the first, it's something I 'feel.' and I can't explain to you why. And sunshine. Sunshine does good to everyone and I simply love it. (I can't wait for the sun to be out again) 

Another good thing to be positive about is having access to hygienic health necessities when I'm on my period. It's good to be capable to be clean and hygienic, especially during this week! If only for the good hand soap and sanitary napkins I'm using. (It's important to speak up about such matters, so I feel no shame about it on my blog) Being clean is a good thing. It's something to be gratefull for since it's not common use everywhere in the world. 

Bread was on discount today at grocery shopping, so I felt more easy buying it than previous week. I've tried granola in the morning, but I prefer bread though it's not the most healthy thing to eat- still I'm raised with it and it's a habit to eat that and I don't feel like switching it. I eat brown bread in the morning and that's the end off the discussion unless there are fancy breads for, like, a sunday morning breakfast available. (I don't have that every day. But sometimes when I sleep at my mom's she has such a splendorous breakfast for us) (I could be thankfull for that, too) Bread on a discount was a positive thing today. 

And last but not least, I sleep well most nights ever since three weeks or so. Sunday was an exception this time and it's good to be thankfull for that. I love to sleep well. Sleep is important to people with mental issues, (And for most people. Also if you don't have a mental condition it's good to sleep well) and I'm more glad with this than if I would be bought an expensive jewel or electronic gift. It's that important to me. I think it's been due to medication switching I'm sleeping so much better. But I don't know, it could have been a ladybug guardian angel after all- and that's been gratefull work. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

    

Good evening at the 24th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been bright and clear with a bit off a wind. It hasn't been cold but it has been windy. It's been a day to enjoy the sun, however. 

*

Today I haven't gone back to bed after medication, but decided to take a bit off a rest on de Boed's terrace at the back off the building. I have been trying a new sunscreen. It worked an awfull lot off time so I suppose it's a good brand but some time after lunch I had to get out off the sun because I turned a bit red, but so far so good. I was capable to make it almost the entire morning in the sun and then after lunch untill 2.30. It's a good brand as I might say so. I love the sun but I'm sensitive for sunburns. 

My cookies where a great succes. People liked them and two ladies ate a lot off them and truly helped me to get rid off the batch. There was nothing to be insecure about. Baking and sharing bakings is a great way off spending my weekends and it keeps me from being bored. I somehow decided the classic Dutch things are a good idea for my crowd as that is what most people love. 'Grandma's bitterkoekjescake.' 'Old fashioned sand-cookies.' And next week will be a suprise for them and for you, my readers, but it will be something classic and all time loved. I felt like it was a bit boring some time ago to do things in that fashion as I thought it'd be -ancient-  to make such things, but now I can see the fun in it and I'm thinking off expanding it and do more off it, but with a small twist to keep it fun for myself, that means decorating it nicely. It's also the genuine opinion to love old fashioned comfort receipes, so who am I to dislike that? It's appreciated best. Who could ever think even I need to hold on to a personal sense off comfort in baking? As my decisions on what to make next are made with my heart and feeling what to make next instead off my mind. Or 'intuition.' as I would call it. A strong feeling on what to make next. And it often wishes for these classics.  

In times off crisis and decay, people love to hold on to what they know. Especially old people. To attract a younger crowd (Including keeping it from being boring for myself) I decorate it creatively and that's appreciated too. I have to get creative with the lack off flour in stores, however, to keep myself baking. Grocerystores are getting out off flour and everything is ridiculously expensive- so it's best to think off solutions for that. And there will be quark fruitcake every often. It's not Dutch, or a Dutch classic- but it's my personal comfort receipe and it works, always, to make it and serve it to my crowd.

Shortage on food and food getting way more expensive doesn't do good for my nerves. I'm sensitive for that despite being fat. I'm afraid we might starve from famine if this continues for long. I never told you this, but I'm afraid off there being too little food to feed the world. No flour on supermarket shelves and bread being so expensive simply worsens this feeling. I'm very heavy and plus size, obese so to say, but I have this fear. I hope it won't take long untill the world gets back to normal (prices) again. This crisis bothers me a lot. I have to talk about it more with care takers. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good morning at the 24th off April, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's the death off night so I haven't seen the weather yet. It's a clear night, though and I expect a clear and bright blue day tomorrow. 

*

Tomorrow there will be sand cookies to serve with afternoon coffee. Last week's soup by the way, was a tomato soup receipe I haven't tried before. It tasted perfectly though throughout soup making I was so absent minded I burned the soup pot and had to serve it over into another large pot to make sure it wouldn't be ruined. (I explained myself to the care taker helping me making soup. Luckily she understood) My state off mourning is deep these days. It doesn't keep me from soup making, though as I love making soup each week and next week I will do so again despite it being Kingsday in the Netherlands. (Celebration off our king's birthday) I will make an orange coloured soup for lunch for my crowd. Most off the time, it's appreciated what I make. 

I don't feel like taking much part in Kingsday activities this year. As Dutch people sometimes say: 'Het kan me gestolen worden.' ('They can steal it from me.') It's because off being in mourning and joyfull games and loud music won't help the matter. I do feel like eating an orange 'Tompouce.' (A classic Dutch pastry, usually it has a pink icing but during Kingsday it's orange) And making soup. But that's it for that day. I'm glad I can hide in the kitchen behind my soup pot that day. (I'm not a fan off the saying 'get that bitch right back to the kitchen.' As I think women are capable off so many important things, but I love to cook and it's my personal hobby. I suppose I have the luck I don't do it just for one sexist man but for a large crowd off fans who don't force me.) I will head home after lunch as soon as they start the loud music and just come back for dinner. 

I'm starting to be a bit forgetfull and I loose my words more easy and I strugle to speak. I'm not in love but these things start to hit me a bit more than usuall. Mental issues like this could possibly be a cause off mourning. But I'm not certain off it. The darkness in me is deep. I feel like a plant with rotten leaves that take a toll on the entire plant. (I'm not a joyfull blooming one. I feel too sad for that) I need to heal them or get them off off me to cure me. Maybe I'm a plant with a disease. Who knows? I've been probably watching Psych2go a bit too much as their main character has a plant on his head. I'm forgetfull, absent minded and I strugle with words. I'm almost becoming a normal person as this is what so many people do. I just hope it doesn't get too frequent or dangerous. I suppose it's part off all these issues that bother me for so long. It's also one off these nights where I can't hit the sleep button in my system. Though I'm full with energy since I've slept well for a few weeks now. It should be in the newspaper I've slept that well. (Sometimes Dutch people say that too: 'Het mag wel in de krant') It should be a big headline for the news. But I'm not done with being mental. I don't know if my broken nights are over from now on. I do know is that it suddenly became a bit better this month. Ladybug Guardian Angel, probably? 

Maybe my mind is a bit too full to get to sleep this night. (I hope you read this in the morning and don't dwell on the internet at night, that's why this blog post is a 'good morning.' post.) It's so important to sleep well and keep a healthy sleep routine. I have to get up at 8.00 AM each morning, also during weekends, to get my medication at the office at 9.00 AM so every good night is a sincere blessing to me. I decided I'm going to get my medication and then go back home trying to sleep a few more hours, Usually that's not really possible since I'm usually wide awake when I try that during the weekends, but maybe I'm tired enough to make it work for me tomorrow. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 23th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and bright. It was a perfect April day

*

Though the weather was great, I decided I needed my rest and some me-time and I stayed in and baked a batch off sand cookies (With baking powder. They puff up when you adjust that to  the cookiedough) 

They don't look as fancy as I can make a cookie look like, but I wanted to try if I could use almond flour in cookiedough given the fact that common flour is hardly available at the moment. My cookies tasted a bit plain today. I've only added vanilla extract to them and they could have used some cookie spices. As I might say. I let them being tasted by other people and they told me it was still quite good despite my own taste. 

They still required a lot off flour in the dough and on my working board for cutting them with my cookiecutters. I decided to cut out the alphabet. (It didn't make 2 times 26, as I would liked to, but my cookies are quite big so they used up more batter than the receipe descripted) The receipe comes from the cookies bible. (de koekjesbijbel- Rutger van den Broek) but I used a bit more egg, almond flour and two teaspoons off vanilla instead off one. And a sachet off baking powder for that poofy effect. They're not as good as they would have been with my cookie spices, but still- worthit to share with de Boed tomorrow for their coffee moment. I hope everyone will like them and I misjudge these cookies. 

I'm doing well though I'm a bit sad and on myself these days. I'm still in mourning though I haven't cried for two days. I have been crying a lot the previous week and I'm still off minded most off the time when I'm out in public (at de Boed mainly. Most off the time I don't get much further than that..) I'm glad at times like this I have no job so I can be sad without anything being in the way. Previous year I said I was going to take my time for mourning and self-healing, no matter how long it would take and now we're almost one year on with that. But what's been heaping up for over 20 years isn't healed so soon I suppose. I'm not over with it yet. So I'm still keeping to that promise to myself: I will take my time no matter what since I need it. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 18th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been a bright, sunny and wonderfull day this second day off  Easter. 

*

I have been brought home after an emotionally intense Easter. This story is very peronal and has to be treated with caution. 

I have been in mourning over my dad and other family that is not around anymore. (Warning: This story will be a personal one) 

I have been asking my mom for personal posessions off my dad to put in my livingroom and remind me off him. I should have been more keen short after he died since the house had many off them but I felt too sick to mention the world around me and a lot off stuff is gone. I also asked for a few nice pictures off my dad and my family from his side and she had two albums for me. Luckily. Pictures with childhood memories off my entire family and it makes me weep everytime I look at it or when I think off it. Some pictures also made me see my mother in a diffrent (Positive) light. She was just a bit older than me when she had me and I can't describe the feeling I get when I see her early pictures with baby me. She does so many things for me and she is self-sacrificing on many levels and she looks so beautifull on her old pictures. It's like I seem to 'get' mom a bit better by to have seen them and it makes me cry since it's so touching to see that. I decided I have a mother to live for. To stand up from depression over my looks and to take care off myself for since it's a good thing to honour her after everything we've been through and everything she has done for me. It's a feeling I can barely describe but it's a strong feeling off love. I'm even in tears while mentioning this. 

We have been through a lot togheter. Almost my entire family from dad's side has died over the past decades and life has been rough for us. It's never been easy. I love my mom and my family deeply. I decided I want to try again in life for her. I don't know if this beats my depression on grooming and taking care off my surrounding, but it was a powerfull experience, I can tell you that. She is a mom to live for. 

And then all those pictures off our family and old house. I need my time to sort my feelings out and get a hold on them since it's the best remedie against blocked trauma I've had so far. All the lost loved ones are less lost this way/ They are still incredibly missed, I can't explain that to someone who has never been through this. Our family love was strong. And is strong, as I'm sure they look at me from the great hereafter and watch over me somehow. It's good to know they're not completely gone. And I miss that part off the family like -crazy?- All those losses and my sadness could be the reason I have become mental, but I'm not sure about that. All off this started since I was a kid by the age off only 7. But it's a long story. I've cried all the time these previous days and I'm not over with it yet as far as I see it. Life is and was very hard without them. 

This is a personal story, I hope I won't feel uneasy with people reading it, but it's a root to my trauma's. So often I feel alone in the world. Not much people do understand me and that is hard. 

Despite all off this, I think my Easter was a good one as this is going to help me. I believe that. It's going to take a lot off tissues and Earl Grey tea (And other teas) but I'm going to get myself through this. Just for me. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good afternoon at the 15th off April, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

the sky is grey and cloudy. At least it's not overly warm and there is a wind outside. On the other hand, there's no chance for sunbathing either but at least I can't burn today.  

*

I'm at my parental home for Easter this weekend and I have been right to have been here two days ago due to trains not being off service this weekend. It's a bit scandalous for the railroad company not to be off service during the Easter weekend, but they wish to prevent crowded trains- but now there are no trains at all. Stupid. I'll be brought home by my mom's husband this Monday so I can count myself lucky. I'm among few. The lack off trains started already today. The railroad company isn't always the brightest light in the box. 

Mom mentioned I could do a bit more excercise and I think she is right about that. I could move my ass more outside and do a few more walks, or be more active in general but due to lack off motivation, it's hard. I do hard finding inspiration to move myself. 

My carrot soup was a succes. I made a fresh pot off carrot soup on milk base this Wednesday and though not everyone liked it, it was liked by most so we can speak off a succes for Wednesday Soup this week. I still had a bit off a sore throat but I decided Wednesday it was not bad enough not to make soup, and then spontaneously decided I wanted to visit my family that afternoon. So I made myself ready and got there. It seems my health complaints are gone now I'm here. 

I feel better in my parental home then at Gortershof. I have no choice but living there, but my old place seems so much more comfortable to me compared to where I live now. Life is easy here and there are no scary fellow clients who fight each other all the time. I hate that about life in psychiatry: other clients who are wayward all the time and who can be even dangerous. But that's why they're in. It's not easy. Maybe I should visit my family more often and allow myself more off time from where I live. I think I need that. I haven't visited them for about two months ever since the end off January due to medication switching and that was hard for me. I feel like I can breathe a bit more here. Like said so many times before: I need fresh air and (mental) space to breathe. 

I also have good news: Sleep seems to have improved since two weeks. Often I was on about how I was doing so incredibly hard having good sleep, but now I make better nights. Maybe it's been that Ladybug Guardian Angel after all who helped me. And maybe it's been him helping me with my sore throat. My sunburn is also gone by now. Nothing is as sacred as good sleep. So it's nothing but a good thing to sleep well. Let's hope this will last. 

I also seem to loose weight due to medication switching. My clothes fit more easy on me and that has been why this entire thing has been set up: To loose weight and stop gaining it as it was becoming dangerous for me to have grown this fat because off it. I'm so glad it works. I deserve that, weight loss and getting back to a size where I can fit in most clothes again. Finally, after all those hard years. I have always believed in that somehow. That one day something about my medication would change and I would become an acceptable size again. I just wished for it. I think I can help it a little extra by excercising more. It's been a good step, whatsoever for my health. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 12th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been cloudy yet warm changing to long periods off sunshine. 

*

I have been in all day to recover from my sore throat. Since I heard what the complaints where to other people who got it, I wanted to take little risk plus given the fact that I had fever attacks I called everything off and decided to stay in and take a rest. It's also a good idea to keep it calm when you have a sunburn and you look horrendous to other people. That's been my day. The pain off the sunburn faded but I feel a bit bad over probably having to take it easy tomorrow and not being capable to provide carrot soup. My poor carrots and my poor fellow client... I bale about it since I love soup making for them every week. 

My nails this week where done by someone else than the student care taker who takes pride in doing my nails. They're that sick this week. The kitchen won't be under employed tomorrow but it will be due to me there is no soup if my sore throat continues. Honey liquorice works untill you got thirsty from it. So it's not much off a cure for my issues. They said what I had on Sunday could have been a sunstroke. I have to stay out off the sun the entire summer so it seems since I'm too sensitive for it. Ladybug Guardian Angel? Anywhere? Anyone? (I hope I don't overwork or annoy him with what I'm doing. I don't want to strike him against the fur since he is my rescue guard most off the time and in my mind he is someone I'm fond off. I hope he excists. It's actually a voice in my head but a girl can dream.) 

I decided to watch a little TV this evening but there wasn't much on it. If I watch news items, I feel enormously pity for poor people who befall victim to this crisis. And children's TV is not much off my taste anymore and I can't be bothered with other TV programs since I find them not interesting or stupid most off the time. TV about Ukraine can be skipped alltogheter since I find watching it already traumatizing enough but I keep my TV for every now and then when I feel like it. I'm not much off a TV watcher most off the time. 

Though I'm sick, I couldn't sleep today to cure and the Leviaan handyman came to fix something in my house. It didn't take long but you could imagine I was wide awake after that due to that. It was a laundry and drying machine switching panel. He replaced it since the old one was downright dangerous and not working anymore. 

I feel a bit brake from doing nothing and being in here all day while trying to cure from a sore throat. I simply hope it will fade tonight and that I can sleep. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 11th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a nice day with the sun out and temperatures not being too high. It has been a nice day in spring. 

*

Today I have been taking care off my face with soothening Aloe Vera skincare products against the sunburn. A caretaker said this afternoon it looks less red and that's what we do it for. I'm glad I have that stuff on stock and I could use it today. It's always handy to have a small stock off products that are handy on your shelve. Hopefully the sunburn will fade this week, before easter and I can look my best for easter. I haven't purchased something new especially for easter, I just think some cute items that have been in my closet for a while look nice for this weekend. It's an economicall crisis. I can't go shopping too much either. But I have nice clothes suitable for it. (Lucky me.)  

I'm also sucking on sugar free honey liquorice this evening since my throat hurts. It seems the entire Boed has caught serious throat issues. People even have anti biotics from General Practice for it and one got hospitalized. It's quite a serious thing. Luckily it's not Corona but a throat infection off some sort I also seem to have caught. Luckily I'm strong but let's knock that off. One can't chase off enough bad omens in this case. The honey liquorice helps somewhat, but it's not a miracle. It softens, though. 

The whole Boed seems to have a cough and colds. They are highly under employed this week. I hope Wednesday Soup can go on since one time it had to be canceled due to under employment. Carrots don't stay well for two weeks so let's hope for the best this week so people can enjoy their soup just before easter. Life can be like this and we seem to stumble from crisis to crisis here sometimes.  

I decided to take it economically from now on and not spend too much money on stuff anymore since it can't be bad to have some available for when emergencies break out. I allow myself to purchase new cookbooks and stuff I need, but that's about it. I have never been a big spender since I have always been somewhat poor myself and taking things economical is not a nice feeling, but I'm used to it by now. Nobody's rich nowadays. We all have to eat boiled potatoes and cooked veggies to come round. But we're getting by still. (I was about to say 'But we're healthy due to that.'  But that isn't true. Most off us have sore throats despite all the veggies.) As long as my sunburn fades before easter. Then I count myself lucky. And I could afford honey liquorice despite it being pricey today at Monday Grocery shopping. It was almost scandalously expensive but I thought I had to have it for my sore throat. I never buy candies but this was such a shame almost for it to be thát expensive. I could afford it, I could afford it... *mutter mutter*. Let's hope these small flower, bumblebee and honeycomb shaped candies do their job and help me out, but like I said, it softens my throat so it's probably been worthit the splurge. 

Most foreigners don't like liquorice. It's something European I heard. (Scandinavia also has liquorice. It's not traditionally Dutch like we like to think sometimes) If you live worldwide and wish to try it: be warned, it's not to most of your liking as I've heard. Contrary to that, some people here are addicted to it. (Like some people are addicted to chocolate or potato chips) I'm not much off a liquorice addict but I can appreciate the taste. I never buy it, though. But it's needed today. 

'Dutch.' and Dutch people have always been known for being economicall and sober. Usually it's against my liking (Since I prefer it more creative) but I hope we can make it through a crisis with it at this moment off time and being. I better don't complain when it's a crisis situation and we don't have the money to do wild things anymore. Now it's not just me, but everyone who has this issue. Before I was always the odd one out with little money. But it's not friendly to say 'Oh, look at how no one has it these days.' I'm not sour because off my past with money. It's just something to notice. But look at what we do have. They are about to use methods I have been using my entire life. And maybe I won't look so strange wearing items from last season and seasons before that for easter. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good evening at the 10th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was beautifull, bright and sunny. The weather forecasted something diffrent but the weather today turned out quite good. 

*

My cake was a succes. People loved it and I did a good job sharing it with everyone and helping with the Leviaan coffee moment this afternoon. Like I do most weekends. It's a small effort cheering up an otherwise very boring Sunday with a bundt cake.  

The weather was quite good, but I caught a sunburn even from mild sunshine in spring. My forehead and my cheeks are slightly red and it somewhat hurts. I was in the sun this morning and probably that wasn't much off a good idea. 

I also got an attack during the coffee moment short before it ended. Mental attacks are quite intense and draining and I'm not strong enough by now to say I made it through it entirely. Something is cramping inside my head when I have one and my face turns all zombie-ish. I can't do anything but to keep calm when I'm into one and hope it will fade as soon as possible. I went for a walk around the block with a care taker during this one (to try if it would go away doing that) and it kind off faded during dinner. I suppose to eat did well for me. I'm a bit better now but I think something was a bit too much this afternoon. Maybe my sunburn- which didn't catch my attention untill after my attack since my face could have been red due to that. I hate it when I sunburn. I love sitting in the sun but I burn easily. I didn't expect to sunburn this morning. I'm a bit stupid today. It's not always as bright and shiny as it seems when it's sunny weather. 

The attack lasted quite long for a mental attack. About 2,5 to 3 hours this time. But I made it through. I survived the day. Let's keep it at that.  I'm alive. If I can get my hands on a new bag off flour during grocery shopping, It's not the last cake I made in my lifetime this weekend. 

Let's hope the financial/ economical crisis isn't dark enough not to get more flour, since people started to hoard it ever since it broke out and flour shelves in the supermarket are often empty. But let's keep it at the crisis if I'm not capable to make more cake. I'm not death and I'm glad for it. Though mental attacks can be painfull, scary and intense. 

One thing: I decided I want to live through this (How the world is nowadays and my personal conditions) and make it through my mental disease, no matter what age I might become with it. I love life and I have no death wish. Life is never 'too much.' for me, no matter how depressed or insane I turn and how harsh the consequences afterward. I have fun in life and being a mental patient never bothers me enough to wish to end it. It's an interesting topic since a lot off mental patients wish to attend suicide. But that never counted and doesn't count for me. Life is good. Still. I wish to grow at least 90 years off age plus somewhat more in good health condition. Maybe I will make it to that age. Life has it's pro's and small pleasures I don't wish to lash out on too soon. 90, 92, or living over 2099. (I'm over a hundred years when I do so) I wish to grow old. 

I have hopes all off this is just temporary and the world hopefully will improve and we can all sigh in relief afterward once it's set to acceptable and even better again. I hope the world will do so and I hope I'm not naive when I say so. And I will improve and my health conditions will get better one day in the future either due to growing over with it, or due to science to have improved on mental conditions and I can personally sigh in relief. I just have the idea I have to make it through this rotten period off time and maybe it's ment to grow stronger because off it. I don't know. I can wish. I just hope more people will see it like this and not lose hope. People in Zaandijk often say: 'But look at what we do have.' instead off letting their head hang down in despair. They are far from rich, but still they see the wealth off this country despite it being in a crisis and everything getting more expensive. 'Maar kijk naar wat we wel hebben.' (- How they litterally say it) And they count themselves lucky this is still a wealthy country despite it all. They refuse to let the crisis and the war in Ukraine get the best off them and it's probably something to adapt. As it helps. And they are right. Despite there being war and crisis we are still wealthy and doing well in general. I just hope the world will find it's way out off the economic crisis and ordinairy people won't have to pay immense prices over gas and groceries for the war. As that's stinkingly unfair. But look at what we do still have. 

Allright, that's about it - 

Thank you for reading.    

    

Good afternoon at the 9th off April 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cold and windy outside with a rainshower here and there. It's downright depressing, unless you have a hobby. 

*

Today I baked something spectaculair, downright a work off modern art thanks to Nordic Baking ware. I used one off their bundt molds for a bitterkoekjescake bitterkoekjes, bittercookies, are somewhat like Italian Amaretti but more dense. They lend themselves well for baking and I used a receipe from my baking guru Rutger van den Broek to use it for that mold I gave to myself as a present for my birthday last year. 

Look at that, it's downright stunning. I'm so happy I did it though it took me a bit off elbow grease to cream all that butter with the sugar this morning. I will present it tomorrow with a bit off icing sugar for de Boed's afternoon coffee and I suppose they will appreciate. I hope they will. They better do. 😉 

This is the best thing to do on a rainy day without much on hand: working on your hobby and taking it to a new step. It cheers me up all day and I think that feeling will last untill Monday after I served them a slice off this. That's what hobbies do. It's good to have one. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Rain starts to fall but I can't be bothered by it thanks to this. 

Thank you for reading. 

A video I'd like to share this evening.

 Good evening everyone. 

I don't recognize myself in this video, since I'm usually publicly sad or depressed. 

Still it's a good one to take count off since it can help those who need it. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for watching. 

Good evening at the 8th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been cold and grey with hints off an icy sun here and there. It wasn't much off nice weather today. 

*

I have done things to myself to fit into a standard that might be lower than my actuall self. Taking less care off myself, or choose to degrade my looks not to look too overdone and make them think I'm a slut but they have been immensely spreading that rumor anyway. I hate them for it but I could have skipped the things I did out off fear off them judging me. Know who I mean? Those followers from Vana Events that wish to set me aside as a mindless, slutty barbiedoll. I don't know where they caught the nerves to do so. I never have proven anything about that rumor anyway. I just have been living up to showing myself more prude and ungroomed in the world than what I would otherwise find acceptable and what for? Out off fear. For people I never see. And when they do see me, they step onto my soul by being sexist and rude anyway. It's been the lowest way off showing a woman she is unwelcome and these are not delusions. These are things that have been truly happening and denying them is gaslighting and I don't accept that. It's best for me to stay out off those social circles for my own feeling off self. 

Things I didn't have to do: 

- Not wearing make-up 

It's common for women in the fantasy scene never to wear make-up. It's almost a statement against the fashion industry and I do so myself too. I barely wear any. I shouldn't have done it for them, or because being depressed as a doorknob over my (now ugly) looks hits in. 

- Dying my hair brown instead off blonde

Most ladies in the fantasy scene don't like the idea off blonde hair, while I just think it looks good on me if it's a more natural shade. I dyed my hair brown for people not to think off me as a slut some time ago. Nowadays I'm a blonde again and no one judges me for it. That's how it should be. I should be free to dye my hair in whatever colour I want it to. 

Now I'm as depressed as a doorknob, I can adjust skipping skincare and barely plucking my eyebrows to that list. I got called ugly by someone years ago on the last fantasy event I attended and the consequences off being seen like that hit me so hard I got sick again for years. I'm so depressed over my looks while I know I enjoy taking better care for myself and attempting to look good again. A little more pampering wouldn't do bad on me. I barely pluck the hairs in between my brows nowadays. I don't shave my body either. I feel depressed and bad about myself because off them and what happened to me in 2017. I'm not likely to forget such things happening. It has hurt. Beyond levels off acceptable. 

I can ask myself: What am I doing all off this for? They aren't going to see me. Being groomed to basic and acceptable again wouldn't do bad on me. Why am I doing this with them in the back off my mind? I could pamper myself for me. Since you should live your life for yourself and not for what others think off you. I feel sucked out and deeply depressed over my looks and I can't set myself to do a daily care routine for my skin, my hair or my make-up. I shower and I clean myself. That's a pro. I take care off hygiene and being a bit fresh but it could be much better. 

Vana Events has made me depressed over my looks. On such a level I barely think I'm 'worthit.' anymore and stopped grooming myself propperly. Something happened in 2017 on Castlefest that has left me broken. I'm not over with it yet. Vana Events is narrow minded and true evil. My heart and soul are broken because off everything that took place. I'm not capable to cope with it well. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Another video I'd like to share with you.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today the weather was terrible. I feel a bit wobbly on the inside with scary thoughts again about a lot off things. But I have a nice Psych2go video I'd like to share with you this evening. 

It's interesting material since no motivation occurs very often in psychiatric patients, including me. I can have days without motivation and lack off being willing to do things. It happens a lot and it's good to be aware off it, maybe you'd recognize some off it in yourself and it's good to be alert so you can seek help from a professional when you need it. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for watching. 

Good afternoon at the 6th off April, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today the weather is stormy, windy, and in general grey outside. 

*

I suppose nothing is as gratefull as making a pot off fresh soup for a community centre today. I made Belgian pea soup with mustard and thyme. From a new cookbook. It's always a great feeling trying new receipes. Especially when the cookbook has won an award. The golden cookbook 2021. (Het gouden kookboek 2021) I just had to have it because off that. I collect cookbooks and I decided I want to collect each cookbook that has won said award. I already have four off them from 2018 on. It's rewarding to cook great soups, and good inspiration is always appreciated. 

The cookbook I got my receipe off this week from, is called 'Een kookboek.' by Seppe Nobels. A Belgian topchef. ('A cookbook' by Seppe Nobels) Next week I'm going to try something diffrent from said cookbook. It's  always fun to do so. And people liked their soup, it's appreciated on such a rainy day (Just by now, rain starts to fall.) Soup on rainy days is usually a good idea. 

It's probably all I'm about to do today. Soup making and blogging. I need some more rest so I took off from de Boed for this afternoon. I'm comfortable in my own home at this moment. I probably need that. 

    

It's time for tea. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

A video I'd like to share with you.

 Good evening everyone, 

Here is another video I found on YouTube on an interesting subject that has my interest, with a cool fashion designer being intervieuwd we can learn from. 

I got the reputation off following celebrities and being after just fashion and being an airhead in Fantasy Scene social circles. That has never been true. I'm more thoughtfull than that and I have always been, (I'm just a fury they wish to shut down) but Vera Wang in this subject is very interesting to take your time for and listen to. She's a wise woman off age. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for watching.  

Good aternoon at the 5th off April, 2022.

Good afternoon everyone, 

The weather is cold, grey and rainy outside. It´s autumn in spring, just before easter.  

*

Today was for being inside my home most off the time and taking more rest. I have been to an informative show off to our homes new surface. There will be a renovation on the entire building. Every home will be renovated and will have new windows and a French balcony. I hope it will work out for us. The outervieuw from that window looks downright great compared to what we have. I just hope it won't be colder inside my home since they come with smaller central heating. It's the only thing I have dove so far, aside from eating a bag off potato chips. Today I feel like being lazy all day and I needed some me-time alone. It will get better once I'll have to go out for dinner this evening. 

Today was for being a bit off rest. Every now and then I need that, and the rain outside makes it even more inviting just to do little. 

Life is so much better with these cute images. I don't know who has drawn them, but they look so nice on my weblog today. They come from pinterest. Actually, I started a weblog just to show you this cuteness. It's almost easter and the world can use some fuzzy cuteness today. I hope I'm not overdoing it, I just needed to do it, though. 

I'm doing fine, just a bit tired and I need to figure out what gives my life meaning and how to maintain being happy instead off going depressed again, and feeling as if life has no meaning and is so incredibly empty. I think I should not be forcing myself onto it, since I better don't be harsh on myself about anything as I don't take that very well. But it's a good idea to do more off what I love, despite living far off off a lot off cool things. I hope to get over with that one day and actually go out more, when I'm ready for it. 

I think mental health takes it to an unfair level by saying people with mental problems should do more out off themselves to give life fullfillment while there is so much lack off initiative among us. They make it often seem like it's something in me while it could perfectly be the medication. There was a time where I loved doing more in life and walk around the village each day and do a lot off fun shopping and such. I don't do so anymore since I caught a depression and everything is far off. They take it a bit unfair at the mental health centre for pointing that out to me. It's rather circumstances in my opinion. I bale a bit about it but I remind myself often that I shouldn't be ungratefull for what I have and that I don't do bad in life. Despite it being a bit too boring and mundane at times. And still, medication switching hasn't helped me off off lack off initiative, unfortunately. I still have to figure out how to get over that barier. But maybe that's just me and not medication. Life is hard at times. 

Allright, that's about it -

Thank you for reading! 

 

Good afternoon at the 3th off April, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today the weather is cold, with wet snow and hints off sunshine exchanging each other. Just before easter, it started to become winter. The upcoming week they promised it would be a bit warmer, but with changing rainshowers so it's not something to be optimistic about.

*

I believe the news doesn't do good for me these days. I got incredibly upset about poverty increasing and energy bills and grocery shopping growing more expensive and people having huge trouble to come round. I can't stand such unfairness. We have crisises shooting through the roof and it all made me incredibly angry, even sensing it still today. I don't often watch the news, but yesterday I gave it a try to keep up a bit with national news. It's something that pisses me off. Poor people getting more poor due to war and crisis. I can't do anything about it. I'm as powerless as can be. Actually I'm on a low income either but I'm lucky things are sorted out for me by health care. If I had the choice, I would be in politics for a career but I can't. I'm not healthy enough. I believe I still wouldn't have been powerfull enough to sort things out nowadays and actually be off help to people if I would have sorted that out and done something like that with my life. The crisises are thát big nowadays. I can soften the sharp edges for people on a personal level by providing them home baked goods at de Boed every now and then. That's all I can do- soup making and baking them stuff. I can't make a fist against poverty for real, but it all makes me so incredibly angry. I should keep up with the news, but I think it doesn't do good for me when it makes me feel like this. I feel wrecked by my own anger. I even had a nightmare last night due to it. 

My cake got complimented and I made de Boed's afternoon coffee today. Helping to provide the coffee moment set off my mind a bit, but it's almost as if it's on a level that's bigger than me, it's soul-touching, emotional stirring anger and I stay calm outside while on the inside I can barely describe what I feel. It's like lava in my soul and it's almost spiritual, in a nasty way. I told health care about my feelings, however, as I thought that was needed. I supose it doesn't do good for my mental health. The war in Ukraine doesn't do good for it either. It's a high functioning anger, however, and I can still maintain myself well. I just don't know what damage this lava does and how I'm doing when it's all over. I'm a bit shakey because off all off that. I better moderately keep up with the news from now on. Though I wish to stay informed about the world and economics somehow. But to what personal price? If only I could do something to help people from poverty. But like I said, I'm just powerless. I can't do anything. 

It's as if something inside me got set on fire about this. It's not temporairy, it's more solid anger than that. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good afternoon at the 2nd off April, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's here and there a big grey cloud and it's cold and windy in general.

*

 Today is for my famous quark-cake with dried prunes and golden raisins. I adjusted some almonds to it I had left in my cupboard. It will be hand out tomorrow to de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk to go with their afternoon coffee. 

Aside to that I have been mourning over the loss off a pet I have lost in 2013. She had issues with her kidney and she was off old age, so we had to euthanize her. She was a black female cat who had grown 18 years off age and who I had since I was 3. It's been the first time I have been crying over her in years. It's a pro when you can cry. Finally, instead off keeping it all in. She was my longest friend. She was so gorgeous to see and she was quite a personality. She was accidentally born with us under my dad's working desk. She and two siblings. Her mother was a very shy cat, and her dad a feral cat from the street. She was a happy accident. Her siblings where given away to people we knew and she stayed with us for years. At the end off het life we had a bit trouble among each other since I didn't allow her in my bedroom anymore since she started to poop everywhere I didn't want her to so we had an itch between each other. She was a bit annoying at her old age. She wasn't potty trained anymore and that bothered me. Still I mourned over her since she was my friend for years. And finally I had the heart to cry. Her siblings aren't around anymore either according to what I've heard. They died a short time before her. Our best moments where all those cuddles and comforts and she answered on a certain way off whistling. She would come when you whistled that tune. It's a good thing to be capable to finally cry. It's healthy to cry. I couldn't do it when the euthanasia took place back then, I was probably a bit overdrugged on medication and in the heath off the moment I usually stay calm and don't give in to my feelings. But today was for my old cat. Maybe all those cat video's on YouTube reminded me off her. 

I was crying untill someone in this building started to play loud music and you could hear them sing all the way up here. It disrupted my crying and I got angry with it but I couldn't do much but get myself up and do some care over crying, throwing away paper tissues, and making some tea. I decided I wanted to eat fruitcake tomorrow. (It tastes nice when you're sad. It's comforting.)  

So I poured myself some Earl Grey tea and I made a fruit cake, (Very British when you look at it, but I'm a fan off British culture, also some off the frumpy aspects) but I wish I had something to cheers over her life. A drink- but I'm not allowed to. I suppose she does well by now, wherever her soul may be. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

A few more video's I'd like to share.

 Good morning everyone, 

There are a few video's I'd like to share about disabled cats who got adopted and ended up safe, sound and loved by their new owners. These can be emotional and shaking. 

It's such a heartwarming story about a cat with leukemia who got adopted and had a beloved last years off his life. (Warning: he doesn't survive but it's nevertless a heartwarming story) 

It's just too cute and heartwarming. I think I feel caught by these video's since I need a lot off care myself. I feel with those cats and I find it so heartwarming they found their love and home anyway. It's not easy being disabled, but getting adopted by a soulmate is the best thing that can happen to such cats. 

  Last video is a video with several coffee receipes. I love the taste off coffee, also in desserts and pastries, so this video was one well spend on me. 

Somehow I hope I made your day with these videos. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for watching. 

Good evening at the 1st off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Yesterday evening there was snow, and it covered this country for an entire morning untill afternoon. Suddenly in the evening when it was all gone, the sky broke through in a beautifull clear blue with barely any clouds. I suppose we have nice weather again tomorrow. It was just a weird sight, snow at the end off March and the beginning off April. April fool's day supplied by the weather gods. 

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I feel incredibly tired all the time these days, it's just that I can't seem to sleep untill I've watched a certain amount off YT video's on several subjects. It doesn't matter what subjects as long as they're distracting. Otherwise I can't sleep. I like to share some off them with you in their own posts. As they deserve that on my blog. 

I'm death tired but I can't sleep untill I've watched YouTube video's. I can't nap during daytime, or sleep in the evening without it. My mind needs it. It's the opposite off people who can't sleep with screens before bedtime. I need mine. I'm just so exhausted, like always. I'm so tired from sleeping little and not being capable to sleep after morning medication so it seems. Medication makes tired, but seems to block a healthy sleeping pattern. I hate it as my sleep is more important to me than finding the love off my life somehow. Love is not important in my life, sleep definetly and desperately is. It's too hard to move myself around when I'm so tired all the time. 

I have been swimming with the Leviaan swimming group this thursday and been singing with the music acternoon afterward. It was a day that felt great and rewarding and I barely had those days anymore. It released the right kind off hormones in my brain to make me even feel that day today. After one day in between. They say I can sing pretty well, so they love me as their leadsinger each week. I do so with joy. So it's no big deal for me. I haven't felt so happy about a day in a long time. I must mention my depressive symptoms are getting less and less these weeks. It's because I have decided I wanted to go out and give life a chance again and have fun again instead off locking myself inside all the time. I had a habbit off keeping myself away from life because I couldn't set myself to things and I had a huge lack off motivation to do anything. It could have been medication I finally got rid off that caused this. I'm more likely to try again with the world nowadays and see if I can have that quality off life again I kept myself from -for years now-. It has been incredibly hard for me. I have the feeling I didn't deserve that. Doing so much harm to myself feels unfair, especially if you take my life and circumstances in consideration. Then it's so unfair to do bad to myself. I should give life a chance again, also because my nurse agrees with me on that. And because off the advice she gave me. I hope I can do it. I have been trying again with life this week and it worked out well for me. So it's promising. I need fresh air and experiences to live. 

Allright, that's about it.- Thank you for reading.