Good afternoon at the 31st off July, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It rains like fall has just begun. It hasn't been a true summer at all this year. 

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I haven't been to the local market today, yesterday I talked markets right in heaven but today I just felt like being at home and relax a bit and then have lunch at de Boed. I couldn't set myself to going to the local market, though it's a good and fun thing to do for most people. I don't know why I have been like that. 

I have been tired a lot and I solved it by sleeping more during daytime. More rest after morning coffee and during afternoon before dinner. It's not very sportive, but it's needed to handle a day when you have schizophrenia and are on heavy medications like me. You need your rest and that makes you less capable to move around a lot. 

Oh well, nothing really bad came from not going to the market. I have food on stock and can rely on de Boed for food and other supplies, and I have my cozy home to feel relaxed and less stressfull than a market. Sometimes it's good to keep on seeing the positive, despite there has been a fall back but maybe I was just lazy this morning. 

So today there wasn't much to do but just having lunch and coffee. Life is tiresome most off the time. To sleep is sometimes the only answer. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading. 

An attemps to be positive today

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's rainy outside. There are big rainfalls today and it looks depressing. It feels as if autumn is already here without it to have ever been summer this year. 

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I wish to say something positive on this weblog after my rant yesterday. What positivity is there to be found in days like these? I decided on to go to the Zaandam market tomorrow in the city's centre. I wish to buy a few plums and other fresh fruits and continue my journey to healthy eating. Good fruits are in season and I can recommend everyone to eat them for their health. It's also a nice day tomorrow for fresh tomato soup, I don't know what kind off day tomorrow will be,- but fresh tomato soup my style is a perfect idea, aside to some baked fruits like written in my new Jamie Oliver book. Sometimes joy is to be found in such simple plans. It doesn't always take a lot to put a smile on your face again. Tomorrow it will be Saturday and I can reccomend most off my readers to visit a good local market and try fresh fruits and vegetables for their next meal. It gives a nice fill in for a day like that -markets aren't forbidden due to Corona laws, and they are probably everywhere in a lot off city's and villages- 

Dutch markets for foods and other common supplies are cozy and nice to go to. I loved visiting the local market off Zaandam every Thursday when I still lived near and had time for that. My advise to people who are capble to: Get yourself out on the street and try it. Who knows what bargain awaits you.  

Positivity, I should write something positive on this weblog. I feel a bit better to have eaten more fruits, nuts and green tea this week. Or is that just my imagination? Maybe I feel better by skipping de Boed every often and allowing myself to sleep a little more- either way, it benefits health and it does well for my mood. What positivity is in today? We could also be glad there is rain as it does well for vegetation. I'm glad the plants won't dry out this way and are capable to grow more. It's probably going to be perfect for apples and pears this year. And as they say: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But I'm not certain if that is true. Sometimes thinking positive is giving a positive twist to something that's seen as negative. Tomorrow is a good day for buying plums, or apricots. Or peaches if I find them good looking. I just don't know if I can get people positive by the promise off good apples this year when they dwell in the negative. Sometimes people aren't open for such ideas and rather need the idea there will be a new game published for a device they can play all winter. But that's not my cup off tea. I'm not much off a games person, I don't even play candy crush saga as I think it's a waste off time and it's dangerous for people to get addicted to such games. 

I rather think off making applepies, or apples out off the oven. It's one off the most easy desserts: cut baking apples into pieces, place in a greased oven dish (Don't forget to remove centres) spice (With cinnamon, kardemon, star anise, ground cloves and nutmeg) and sugar them to your taste and then place in a preheated 180 degrees celsius oven for about half an hour. It's perfect with yoghurt or quark if you want to keep it healthy. It was one off my favourite desserts previous year when we had to stay in all the time due to Corona. To make them even better, you can adjust a few dices off butter before baking. It's applepie filling at it's best and the butter doesn't make it healthy, but -yum-.  I made it a lot when we had to stay at home all the time. I can recommend a squeeze off honey or lemon juice extra if you have that on hand, but you can see for yourselves. 

Apple season probably will be a good one this year. It's a waste not to eat fresh Dutch apples when you can have them affordable in your local stores. Looking forward to apples makes me feel positive. Fruits are a good fill in off time. As I might say so. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

     

Vana Events sucks

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening was bright and sunny, there was no rain and it felt nice to be outside. 

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Reading this weblog, it looks like ice coffee. The background resembles a perfect frappé if you take a good look at it. I don't know why anyone would do that, it doesn't look as fancy as the previous background, It's just the header with the birds and my colourings that looks better. Not if you read my endless stories about life. Damn it, badly choosen. 

About more than half off my problems on the internet would not excist if people wheren't such self-righteous, easily offended morons, but would take it with a sense off humor. That might have even been the clue to that whole Vana Events drama. Vana sucks major ass when it comes to this, they're easily offended, prissy and a bit stupid. They don't listen to what I had to say and they didn't take it very well when I came back to make up. They have a brick wall in front off their head. I wouldn't have bursted out in anger if they would have listened to me and understood what I said. It would have made things much easier. Now their precious Tinky Winky runs off with another woman, leaving my reputation torn apart and me in despair while when I come to think off it- I didn't even like the guy for real. It just blew my mind what was going on and I should be glad he picked a pretty blonde slut over me. Vana is guilty to a lot off things and they don't listen. It's getting all more insane by the minute. I'm glad I have gone off but it has ruined me in several ways to have befallen victim to them. I wish they would listen to my side off the story and take me more serious as it's batshit what's going on in their mind nowadays about me. - And not in a cool way. I'm upset about it. Offcourse I'm upset. What made them think I would take this neatly and not complain? It's not common to be such a morron like them. I don't like to be part off their cheap bullshit anymore. I became a mental and physicall wreck while it all happened. I'm finally getting out off it these days with help from mental health care- look where it brought me. It's all as insane and inappropriate as their behaviour and I hate them taking on this so lame. I wish I was listned to better and communicating with them wasn't so damn hard. I suppose they never took real education in communication skills for companies like you're suppose to do when you start one and what's with all the gossip a few years ago when I heard people saying everything was 'good.' again? That's not 'good.' That's nasty playing in my opinion. They suck ass. This shouldn't be found funny, it should be taken in account for them but I wish they would treat ME with more respect and tell me and appologize to ME. That would be behaviour to be proud off. This what they do at the current moment is just getting me more angry and frustrated all the time. They don't react and they think they are a whole lot better than me and that's not right. Their arrogance can light up the sky where they live and make space ships dizzy. 

I have been right for about ten years. 

Allright, that's about it-

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 29th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Rains are changed by sunshine and vice versa. The weather changes all the time and there won't be an end soon to Corona restrictions. There are a lot off infections, and rates on the map makes a lot off european countries red again. These are dark times. Floods have ruined areas in our country and neighbouring countries. A famous crime journalist was shot- these days should be a bad memory once it's all over and people can finally truly start to breathe fresh air and good times again. It's a good thing we are relieved from mouth masks and shops are open again so it feels less restricted than a few months ago. 

*

The paprika soup this week was without trouble. I had enough paprika's and tomatoes so I didn't have to work with replacements to make soup without paprika taste like paprikasoup. Or tomatosauce instead off tomatoes. I even adjusted chicken breast to the brothle and everyone loved the soup this week. It's often well-received, but I believe thank to everything being in place it tasted even better this week. There's nothing like fresh paprikasoup with paprika's. 

It was agreed upon, to speak fancy, that I was allowed to take the Jamie Oliver books from de Boed. They are second hand but still very good to get inspiration from. They miss their front flap and are just a blue cover with the title on the side, but it doesn't matter- there's written inside what would be if they where new. In this time off day, people shouldn't be ungratefull for second handed and free. Who has money for new Jamie Oliver books anyway? They sell for 45 euro's new and no one wants to spend that amount off money on it. (I'm sorry Jamie.) Jamie Oliver has a great take on food and fresh foods which I find inspiring. 

What keeps me going throughout the week? I'm a bit spoiled this week. I allowed myself ice coffee twice at places where you can have it. I love ice coffee this summer. One version at the beginning off the week even had a lot off whipped cream and chocolate sauce and chopped nuts on it. delicious! It was one place in time where I was glad again to be me. Most off the time I daydream about being somewhere else and being someone else at a place where I can live a better live and show the world who I actually am on the inside. But then and there at that small bistro in a buisy shoppingcentre behind an ice coffee deluxe- I was glad to be 'me'. I enjoyed my drink and allowed myself applepie afterward with that. It softened the painfull edge I often have in my head these months. I feel numb, depressed and empty- but Ice coffee safed the day a few times. 

I do dwell on materialism and luxury these days, but otherwise my fuel to keep going would be empty. I should rather find a way to like life the way it is again instead off spoiling myself, (too much.) But often I have the idea 'what to come up with next to make me feel less depressed for now?' What a year, what a period off time these days, speaking off which- I still haven't had mine these two months. I haven't been with a man, so that can't be the problem. Is feeling a dip / depression a reason for your hormones and body to 'skip'? or should I try trusting General Practice once more and ask what they can do for me? I really should come up with that after closing time. I can ask care-takers if they can mean anything for me. Maybe I should see a doctor. Tomorrow there's another day, luckily.  

Next week I'll turn 29. I don't feel bad about it, but growing older is getting closer for me. Next year I'll be 30. I allowed myself to buy two expensive bundt pans from Nordic Ware for my birthday as a present for myself. They look stunning. I can't wait to see the look upon people's face when I come up with a beautifully sculpted bundt cake, tasting like heaven. And oh, my- the pictures I can make with that. I'm a food photographer, after all. I love them and to have collected them, and maybe started a new collection off those. I dwell on materialism a bit this way. But let's start at point A. first- I could try working with them any time soon after August is gone. 

Aside from my birthday, August is a time for mourning for my family as several important people have died in the week from 16-25 and had their funeral during that period off time, my dad, an aunt, and my grandpa from mother's side. Short time after my birthday. It's the only thing to celebrate this month. I do think off visiting grandma that week and giving her presents from de Zaanse Schans (A tourist area in this village.) And maybe my other family. I wish I had more support from them while feeling so depressed. 

I decided to try to wake up in time before having to head to the office off Leviaan for my medication and take time for breakfast and listening to the radio in the morning instead off sleeping 'just a tiny little longer.' Because being in bed feels like the nicest thing on earth when it's cold and rainy outside in the morning. Kicking my own ass and trying to sit more straight up is not a bad idea. I feel more awake during coffee time in the morning (de Boed has two coffee times, one in the morning and one during afternoon.) when they prefer me to show up to keep me from laying in bed all the time. I usually feel so incredibly tired in the morning and it fades after 11.30 A.M- getting up in time helps, -a bit.-  But it's not a perfect remedie against being still tired in the morning. Maybe it's those medicines trying to sink in during that time. During weekends I allow myself to go home and sleep in after I get medication. It's allowed then. 

Maybe I should live like that. Thinking 'what to do next to keep myself from feeling bored and depressed?' Though that could be dangerous if it wasn't just for presents and fun things I crave. Living for your next 'rush' is not a good thing. But many people seem to do it. I keep on confusing today with Friday. It's Thursday today. But a good rush or high on things to make it through your day is not a good way to live life. It should start with being satisfied again about life. Sometimes it's hard to stick to a plan once I've published it online. It's not the only time I think this blog got jinxed by nasty people in the outside world. But I can't proove anything about it. I'm not dishonest, however. I don't like to speak less than a true word to you. When I'm confused and mental- then I come off as dishonest, but that's when I got mentally sick and can't see right from wrong anymore. I'm more true online than in real life, by the way. I wish I had more guts in real life to be a superhero. I'm an internet hero. In real life I wish I could do it but I'm more diplomatic to get life my way. It works to get 'them.' (Those in charge) to work with with you. I could recommend it to all those people who claim life is never fair to them. Try setting it at your hand and you will win and get your share off fairness- that's how it works. Nevertless, I'm an internet hero. Slurping on Ice coffee and dreaming I was some sort off cowgirl in the USA in my next life. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.          

Good evening at the 25th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's raining and thunderstorming incredibly right now, it's a massive rainstorm and I hope those plants are happy now with their extra water. 

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Today I started a new novel about a cat and it's owner travelling Japan. It's written by a Japanese author and I have been buying it among my other book, The cat and the city. 

I think I might have caught up on a cold. It's about time to start to wear at least a raincoat this season and my common pair off shoes. Flipflops are a bit too optimistic, just like not wearing anything over my ordinairy clothes. I like it to rain massively right now. If anything, rain is perfect weather for warm tea. 

There where years where drought was incredible, this is a year for rain and clouds. 

I don't know if it's my mind, but some people are taking prudeness to a next level. I'm prude, but some people make it a game to keep themselves from all kinds off luxury and extra's in life because they think it's 'unsuitable.' I don't believe in overly sexualizing things, that simply doesn't work for me- But some types appear a bit bitter because they almost push themselves into a behaviour so rigid it seems to come from another time. Some people might say that about me, I'm the one to wear long pyjama pants and tidy pyjama shirts, (it's a habbit that comes from living in a care home) instead off sleeping in the nude and I have never been with a man 'like that.' Because off reasons. I have kept myself from that for my own sake. But now about those types who make it a game to declare everything you consider a little extra in life vulgair. I believe they can't find satisfaction in their own life and start gossiping about my life all the time to keep their hands clean for themselves. They aren't anything better than you or me. And most off all- ridiculous alternatives are guilty to this most. But should we take that scum serious with this? I don't think so. 

If there is any good example off a prude and pure life- then it's probably me when I'm at my best. They have shoven too much in my innocent shoes to still believe me. But I'm not vulgair by any means. I should know better than to still hang on to that. It should have been clear to me I was not welcome the first time I got onto that. It would have been much more clear that way but they're hypocrit. If they would have told me honestly, I would have stayed away. Honesty is one off the most important things for me in life. But alternatives are a bit half hearted when it comes to that. Honesty? Nowhere in sight. I'm talking about hardcore goths and metalfans, and then those idiotic weeaboos with their Anime and Manga obsession. They share the most horrendous stories for attention. Their mindset is crooked and it's not a good thing. Psychiatrist? A good ampull off medication injected in your fragile body you mean. And now shut up. Be brave, be honest, do the right thing- always. Calling themselves honourable and fair is a bridge too far for my down to earthness. I'm spiritual but I don't make it a puppet show like some do. And all they can do is hate on me and shower me with disgust, for to have been honest to Vana. It's not right with me what happened. But if you seek for honesty and fairness- don't go among their kind, you won't find it there. It's dubble hearted and sick in a wrong way. 

About me... 

The rain has stopped entirely. This weekend was for lentilsoup, books about cats in Japan, coffee, oranges and a small birthdayparty at de Boed. Nothing more than that happened. I might be too honest at times, I can take more pain than most humans find acceptable, I have my scars, you're dealing with someone who knows how to protect herself when you're fooling with me. I try to be straightforward but sometimes fate wants me to play. I try to go wholehearted for what I believe in and then find myself slamming against concrete walls. From people who don't understand or who are afraid off me. Most off the time I drink coffee and enjoy living in my appartment. Not doing much but enjoy collecting cookbooks on the internet or cd's. That's mainly what I do. Right now I have my eyes on Jamie Oliver and his work. It's incredibly expensive on the online shop where I mainly buy it, they have a copy off 'The naked cheff.' at de Boed where I first saw it and I like that certain cookbook. I love the philosophy in that cookbook about fresh foods. I don't come off as much when I pretend to be a badass. I love to read the newspaper and write postcards and I love old fashioned and vintage looking stuff. People say I have a good taste in things and style for things. They always compliment me on how my home looks. Bold colours and stylish prints are my thing, just like vintage / old fashioned looking furniture but with modern twists. I wouldn't call myself edgy in style, but I have open minded beliefs about people and the world. Still I think this world would be a better place if people would behave better and take on life more easy. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good afternoon at the 25th off July, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Yesterday evening there finally was a thunderstorm in this area off the Netherlands. The rain hasn't continued untill today. I hope the plants won't do damage because off the drought. Aside to warmth, summer is the period off time for thunderstorms in the evening in the Netherlands. At least in this area. 

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Warning: most off this blog is about personal medical stuff, it might gross you out if you don't like the subject. 

The cat and the city was a good book to read. It was such a nice book about a tortoise cat binding the stories written in it. I have no clue if I have imagined the scenes correctly since I have never been to Tokio myself, but it was nice to read. The only thing that could be changed is that it's centred about the Olympic games and preparation for that around 2020, while the games are delayed due to Corona- then the book would be correctly. It's a heartwarming story that ends well. 

I have been making cookie dough, but a care-taker has thrown it away without discussing it with me. I'm about to ask a replacement for her, since she is not a good match for me when it comes to these things. She's rough in her take on people and I think she isn't suitable for psychiatric health care in general. It's just that it's very hard to get rid off her. She should retire and we should all be freed off her. She's demandive, has no education in handling people like most, she goes beyond other's borders and most fellow patients hate her deeply. I wish the member counsil off which I take part could do something, but it's hard for us to get the heads off Leviaan on our side in this. 

So there will be no cookies this afternoon, but luckily my fellow clients have been spoiled with all kinds off pastries yesterday since someone had their birthday. I'm glad that could help people. I believe in the soothing power off good foods. Especially in bad times like these. And offcourse it can help us celebrate aswell. 

I have been taking up my old interest in healthy foods again and I have been making nutricious lentil soup. I have been reading it's a good replacement for meat, since it contains a lot off iron, but it also keeps your body from taking in iron from other foods. It's not a bad soup I made, it's heavy and filling but it doesn't contain a lot off calories. I could have lightned it up with cooking cream, but then the calories would have increased. I had a dream which convinced me to go on with healthy cooking and healthy foods and looking up their nutricious powers. Fruits and vegetables are a good idea according to that dream. It's fun to practice what I read about it, and see how it affects my body. I should make a start again since it has been dusting on the shelve a bit. I don't come off as someone who is into healthy eating. I hade two pieces off Italian bread aside my soup this lunch time and that could count as unhealthy, but my soup was nevertless, healthy. I'm snacking on oranges and nuts and I should tell you about drinking tea. Green tea is one off the best options for your health throughout the day. It's a good thing to drink tea without sugar. I stopped drinking it entirely somehow. Maybe I got a bit bored by the taste. honey and lemon are healthy options to doll up a cup off green tea. I haven't stopped drinking a lot off coffee, though. I can't seem to forget about that. Coffee tastes too nice to be stopped. 

People who see me in the street and see a fat woman assume I live unhealthy, but I fuss over every bite I eat. Being so fat is due to medication. I could try a walking routine and start even more healthy eating. Mabe it's lazy fat as how they call it. I could do more on a day, but medication makes cranky and tired and keeps me from moving around more. When I think about myself as fat, I don't feel guilty or bad about it. I live on medication and I have no other option for my life. I overthink and be like: 'So be it.' because all I can do is to accept for now. It's for this moment off time, it doesn't mean it has to be like this forever. People accept me for who I am and that is the most important. I'm told I'm pretty and beautifull all the time by people. It doesn't weigh heavy on my shoulder to be incredibly big. I hope it will change, but I have to take it for this moment off time. Despite it not being fair. I hope the pharmaceutic industry will invent an antipsychoticum that doesn't make fat, which I can use. There is one on the market but I'm not capable to digest it due to lack off the right enzyme in my body. There has been a lot off fuss about that, even a university laboratory had to investigate me on that, but it's no use: The medication which makes you move around more is not suitable for me so I have to take this fattening junk again. 

I usually got perfect scores on my somatric screening, no cholesterol, no bloodsugar, no  high blood pressure and those perfect scores are the only proove I live healthy. My organs are perfectly healthy. Somatric screening contains a yearly bloodtest I have to do for psychiatric health to see if my body still functions well. The only thing that came out off the test this year, was being low on vitamin D. 

As I write this, it starts to rain. I hope vegetation will do well on it. I'm thinking on forehand how I'm going to handle my usuall winter dip this year. Or any type off weather dip. I have a jar with vitamin D on my table I take with breakfast. I don't know if that's enough for my body type. The year has been gloomy all the time. I'm at my worst during the Pisces period, the time off year from the end off February untill the beginning off March, the end off winter. I come over it at the start off the Aries period, the beginning off spring. Then I start to feel enlivening and positive again and feel as if there is more positive energy in the air. Aries is good for a Leo. (I'm a Leo. It's both fire.) How to overcome the sickening depression at the end off winter? Just a jar off vitamin D? I just came out off a depression, so it seemed. I feel a bit better these weeks. It started while thinking what I like and live a bit with that on my mind. I need that to keep from being depressed. I spoke up more to care-takers about issues I have on my mind and most off my bad feelings are gone. I have to follow good therapy to get over with everything, but it's a good start in my opinion. It stopped raining. I think vegetation didn't have much on that rainshower. It's a good idea to eat healthy every once in a while, but every day is even better. I feel inspired to make a berry spinach salad next week. I wish there was a market in Zaandijk every week with a fruit and vegetable stand so it would be more easy for me to get my hands on fresh fruits and nuts. And some lovely fresh fish- This village is left out off so much things due to being far away from shops. There are no grocery shops around here. It's pittoresque, but not practical. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you for reading.      

      

Good afternoon at the 22th off July, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's hot yet not too hot outside. It's pretty warm but it's not truly sunny. It's said tomorrow there will be rain. The country in this area needs it since it's dry outside. I'm lucky there is no flood around here, but a little rain over here won't hurt so to say. 

*

I have my bank account working for me. The bank card arrived and I have acces to it again. I'm glad the trouble with that is over. The first thing I bought with what's been saving up is the book about the tortoise cat wandering around Tokio. (In  English: The cat and the city by Nick Bradley. In het Nederlands: De kat en de stad - Nick Bradley) I hope it's as nice to read as I think. Aside to some other books and a stock off every day conditioner. I decided to head to another website and bought myself a usefull bracelet with semi-gemstones and then I decided to put my bank card aside again and keep what I safed for other purposes. I think it would be a good idea to get some cash from what I safed up just in case an emergency breaks out again. And then celebrate my birthday with what's left. I have a little money to buy my guests some nice cake and hopefully treat them to a nice day the sunday after the 5th off August. The 5th itself I wish to treat de Boed some nice chocolates for everyone. I have the idea the upcomming period will be a good one. I don't believe in being materalistic, but it's good to have acces to your bank account for everyday use. 

It's summer, it's warm outside. I'm not going to endlessly fuss over a home made birthday cake but get some nice bought cakes to keep me from overworking myself in the summer heath. That's simply not going to do it for me. I make treats year round, but at my very own birthday at August 5th it's often way too hot in my kitchen to make something for my guests. Even I have to admit you can't break through every wall you wish to if that's not possible. I had planned to make them something but as far as I can see- I prefer to go the easy way. 

Today was for massive washing up in my kitchen and making an easy dough in my food processor for cookies with my self selected spice mix. The dough is stiffening in my refridgerator and I believe I'll bake it this evening or tomorrow for de Boed to enjoy with their coffee the next day. I have a wide range off cookiecutters. I had a period off time where I enjoyed collecting them from almost every store I went with a kitchen supply deppartment, I have an incredible lot but I stopped collecting them. It's handy to have them on hand when you're about to bake fresh sand cookies. I even own a helicopter. I have an old cookbook where it's said you should always have a cake and an applepie in your freezer/ refridgerator, and a stock off home made sandcookies on hand in your jar. Somewhere in a land before time when people made all their treats themselves. I don't know if it's a good idea- it's probably when you have kids and a lot off guests over at your house a lot. In my case it would probably be a waste since I don't have that luck. And in modern times, most treats are store bought. (Home made is always better, but most people don't have time for that in their lives.) Old uses be old. Otherwise it would be a challenge to keep that on stock. Maybe that's how the book prefers people to live- make a lot off what's written in it. 

And maybe that's a thing during summer. It's not as culinairy as autumn or early winter despite there being a lot off harvest from the land. It's not easy to cook when it's incredibly hot outside. In autumn and even late winter, people probably feel more for it. When it's easy to move. But maybe that's cultural/ area off the world decided and maybe I just speak for myself as it's not a proven theory. I just think other people would know perfectly what to do with summer goods. Strawberry tart, or peach pie, or something containing fruits de mer (Seafoods) and all those culinairy receipes for the barbecue to have been around these years. It's a thing to make barbecued foods fancy and dolled up with all kinds off dishes, sauces and side dishes. I have no acces to a barbecue but it's even a thing to roast watermellons on the barbecue. Well, I would know what summer contains when it comes to food. Last year I made a lot off healthy yoghurt creamsicles. That's also part off summer. It's not hard to come up with. Summer contains a lot off fresh and healthy foods. 

Medication enlowering is a bit hard. I feel unstable but I have the urge to keep going on until it's stabilized and feel more lightned up on the inside. I have to talk about things with people. I believe people have no realistic clue on how hard I'm always doing on the inside when they meet me but it's a thing I prefer to keep a secret most off the time. I do hard speaking up in real life. On the internet it's diffrent but mainly I'm to be found annoying by people who do hard getting what's going on. Or who would mock me anyway. I never had a chance to explain myself, I was to be found hated upon before I would know what was going on to begin with in some circles. I haven't had a real chance to prove myself and I won't seek after that again as their reaction to it annoys me and is hatefull most off the time. Shame on Vana Events and it's fans. They start to be a tad too superficial recently. On top off their mainly hatefull behaviour. It makes them shallow and annoying. Why not keep an open mind on people who do hard in life and have less, or don't look good in their opinion? How hard could it be to be there for the disabled instead off choking them out and think they are weird? I think that's no attitude when you are to be found weird yourself often. Take note off those who need it. And be really a brave, strong celt, viking or whatever you wish to be. Don't look away from people who do hard in life. 

The world doesn't need more ego, the world needs more heart. A heart for people doing hard, not a superficial attitude towards them as that's despicable. I hope people still have that somewhere inside them. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

My promise to the spirit while I was at Corona failed

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening is sunny and warm and beautifull outside. No hint off clouds for now. 

*

During my Corona time I was fighting it while promising something to a beautifull white spirit while wandering the streets around my house in my mind. She told me I was allowed to survive if I would cook delicious Indonesian foods for de Boed 

But as far as that goes- I'm not allowed to cook in their kitchen due to lack off staff. I can't keep my promise any time soon. I'm not going to die, and something told me she doesn't mind if I don't keep my promise to her, she just wanted to move on without me holding her. I think I'm sometimes more powerfull than what's good for me, but it's just a big problem for me not to be capable to use my capabilities in de Boed's kitchen. I don't know what that is going to mean. I'm not even allowed to prepare desserts for them every often on a sunday when I have time for it. I don't like the idea off not keeping a promise. I believe in giving people my word (When I seriously mean it and it's no joke.) 

I hope I won't die because off this or Corona will get me again. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

The here and now, and among my own kind.

Good evening everyone, 

Yesterday and the day before where beautifull, sunny and bright. Unfortunately I hadn't have much off a chance to enjoy it because I felt bad in my head. A strange kind off 'attack.' happened and made me caught up in my own thoughts a lot. I happened to have had these attacks before, but they stopped some time ago. There happened to be one yesterday and I still have issues off it today. 

Today the weather changes a lot but it's mainly sunny with some clouds here and there. It's luckily not overly hot. I hoped  for a rainstorm but this is what we got. I think I should be feeling lucky there hasn't been a flood in this area off the Netherlands. It could always be worse. 

*

Still I went on with life. Today was for monday grocery shopping. I still have to work with cash from a saving jar which I'm almost out off. This week I hope to receive my new bank card. I hope to receive it since I have to be sober for about four weeks now. I'm glad I have no big plans soon with my money so I can recharge my cash savings again for when such an incident happens again. It's good to be prepared for catastrophes in life and be not dependant on others. It's good to be capable to safe your own ass. 

My medication has enlowered and I have had an issue in my head yesterday. I talked it over with a care-taker and it did well on me to talk things out with her instead off breaking down from it. It worked to get me sane again, or at least take away the nasty feeling which stung in my head. 

I have been overthinking groups. Cultural groups and age groups mainly. I don't want to put on a stigma on anyone so I won't overthink out loud what I thought about it. The young, The Morroccan, The Chinese, The Japanese, The tourists, The retired, The Surinamese, The Indian, The Indonesian, The mental issued, - What am I looking for among that? Crime? Poverty? Drugs probably? -Well, err, no.- (That doesn't mean it consists mainly out off criminals, but it's a stereotype it's to be found more among other cultures.) While overthinking all off that, something brought me back to the here and now on that side by the fish pond and told me 'Here and now, among your own kind. And don't go further with looking for something suspicious among other cultures. That can be dangerous.' Then I was back at the bench on the head off the pond, my sight and my mind a bit foggy but I wasn't wandering anymore. What was I looking for? I have to be Dutch in at the beginning off the 21st century, in the here and now and what do I have to look for here? I'm here and myself for a reason. 'Don't go further beyond the border off the here and now.' I was looking around among the plants, the pond, the bushes, the trees, the houses- it didn't look bad, it looked nice and it was nice to be there. Maybe I'm looking for something interesting to think about. Something fascinating to keep me occupied- other cultures for example. I'm not looking for trouble with people. I'm broad minded and like to be that way. 

Something inside me just felt the urge to take me to where I was and put me back to where I lived. I do have trouble with the here and now, sometimes it's just boring and dull to live where I live and stick to daily routine without getting to crack beyond my borders. I wish I was higher educated and capable to have a cool job and travel a bit. I also have a feeling I have to be here for a reason. This country is good for it's citizens and it's not bad to be here. Sometimes it's good to kick up the leaves a bit and make people weary off their short-mindedness and inside the box thinking. Not much people have a fascination for the middle east before the Islam got in there so strictly, or for cooking beyond borders. Maybe it's just where I live. People are too occupied with being Dutch and their own kind off things. And mainly they think that is enough for them. Dutch people in the Netherlands are buisy being Dutch. They can't help it. They have a suspicion against other cultures nowadays. They don't like to overthink things from others. Maybe that's healthy, maybe that's short minded. Other cultures sometimes aren't all that either. They have their own issues we better don't get involved in and as far as it goes- people live in groups off their own. This country is not a melting pot and the idea 'multicultural' doesn't work for most. There have been too much terrorist attacks in Europe to get people to trust others. I can't blame them for it. I wish to live open minded, but I see what they're pointing at from their vision on things. I live among common care-takers and people with a mental handicap, ordinairy people who are nice but who don't wish to see beyond their borders. Maybe that's why I like to think about it now and then. Cultural diffrences, other people, Strange things- things to kick up the leaves a bit. Not to leave people hurt or confused, but I believe they tend to move to that direction once I'm too much about it. It's been a tendency muslims have taken a lot off lower paid jobs from lower educated people and giving them less chances at the jobmarket. The Netherlands is not a multicultural society, though we have a lot off cultures living here. Still they look strange at each other once you enter their supermarket. It's not something I do. I don't go to areas where I can be in trouble as it's commonly known you can get in trouble due to them being criminal a lot. It's a pity they don't want to acclimate more to this country. Or think more thankfull off a country which gives them more chances than their own has ever given them. Respect is the key to that. I see why original Dutch have troubles with them. I cheer for those who take their time to acclimate well to this country. I have been in class with a lot off hard working Turkish women and I like them. I think Turkish people are incredibly nice and well mannered. Getting to know people on your own level helps to keep you from predjudices. It works with if they want to be an active part off Dutch society. You also see them a lot in health care. They are nice. 

I have to be here for a reason, in my own skin and among my own culture. I haven't figured out why or how. It takes a little more dots on the I for me to like it. I need a little extra, not a love affair, but something like an interest, a subject to love, something that has my deep interest in every day life. Not something superficial, but a cool subject. Cultures and cultural diffrences are a cool subject, and so is a big understanding off people off all kinds. Still I have to be here and me- I have to learn to work and live with that. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 16th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold and gloomy outside, but inside it was warm and hot. The heath is still in the buildings and I decided to put on my fan the entire afternoon to break the heath. So far it worked. 

*

I have been finishing my dishes and my kitchen and my living room looks tidy and it looks like there is more space since I decided to give it more visual space by putting stuff in my storage and throwing away unwanted stuff. It's more to my liking now. I don't know if I can keep up with cleaning my spaces all the time. Probably not if I need to be on heavier medication. With lower medication- I can take on more appearently. 

I happen to have no Corona, luckily- I'm vaccined and probably immune by now but you can't be too certain about things. I have been taking my quarter off a Lorazepame this evening. I suspect it to lighten things up. I feel so much better, in and out, with less off it. That's exactly what we need: Air, light, space to breathe- to lighten our spirits instead off feeling heavy hearted. The entire country could use it. I'm thinking off eggwhites being beaten to meringue and then folded into a cake batter to lighten up the cake when it's baked. Adjust some space to breathe more freely into your lives- I suspect 2022 could use it after what's happened the period ahead to it. Let's hope it does. 

Light and fresh air aren't something superficial. You could take it with a kind heart and brighten up the environment around you with good things instead off taking it to superficialness. Being brightned is just what the world needs. I hope that will happen and it will work for all those depressed people who feel so bad all the time. We all need more off a purpose in our lives I believe. 

Maybe I adjusted my personal foamed eggwhites by tidying up my room and feeling more light and air to breathe myself. It's probably hard to believe for those out there who dwell in the negative. But the good is always a good idea. I hope my depression will stay away after holding on to this. The last thing I need it to is to come back. Sometimes the positive is unbearable for negative thinkers. Sometimes it's Good to outshine the enemy by being positive enough to make them bend for you. It's a trait you can have. I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow about life. But I feel somewhat better after to have mourned a moment today. I took a moment to actually cry and it lightned up. I don't know if I'm going to keep up with this. Tomorrow will be for an exposition. I hope the Social Neighbourhood Team took art from their clients to expose for people to see. That could be interesting and give something special to an otherwise common Saturday. Working my way out off depression is not as hard as I thought. But I need the capability to set myself to action instead off being burried under medication. I'm going to make work off myself tomorrow and give my looks a boost with soft make-up and a light nailpolish. Just for myself, just for the sake off working myself out off gloom and darkness. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you all for reading. 

Good evening at the 15th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold and cloudy outside. There has been no rain, but it was nevertless a gloomy day. 

*

Today was for moderate house cleaning. I have been tidying up my living room and it almost deserves an award- not for it being so tidy, but for me doing that anyway. I never clean up out off myself but today I felt inspired to do so. Tomorrow will be for cleaning my kitchen. It took me quite long to do so- but I did it. I hope it's a promising sign for more. But like with everything- let's not be too optimistic about it. 

Today was also for my -6th- Corona test in a year, I have been tested for Corona since I couldn't taste my Wednesday Soup this week. I made lettuce soup. Following to cucumber soup I thought lettuce soup was a good idea, everyone thought it tasted perfectly but I couldn't taste it at all. Such a pity. That made care-takers decide I had to go up for my 6th test this year. I hope it's something innocent. I have been shopping in town in Zaandam centre two days ago. But I don't expect it to be because off that. It would be a stupid thing if the entire Boed would have to close down because off that. 

Next week I decided we'll have Minnestrone soup for Wednesday Soup- if I will test negatively. Oh, well, at least I had time to do some tidying up and I came to rest while having to stay in. I hope I can celebrate my 29th birthday next month with my family over here. Somehow I suspect I don't have Corona, but care-takers are easily alarmed when it comes to these kind off things. It's a side effect for living in a care organisation. 

Out off distress I took an entire Lorazepame but that was a bad idea since it works a bit too bad on my system. I feel it working heavy on me already but I hoped it would take away some stress. I have more reasons to be stressed than Corona. The lockdown increasing for example and cities being brought to code red, and crime increasing in the Netherlands, with a famous Dutch crime journalist shot to death. Zaanstad is quite criminal compared to other places in the Netherlands so sometimes I mention things about it. It's stressfull. I hoped the medication would soften it, but it works a bit contra on me, unfortunately. Tomorrow I will set myself back to a lower amount. Good grief what an evening. 

Who knows I might have caught up on a simple cold for going outside without a jacket often while it's so gloomy and walking around everywhere on flipflops. I love the cool feeling around my feet when walking outside on them. I believe it wasn't a good idea after all. 

When I test negatively, I will be on my way to an exposition arranged by the Social neighbourhood team on saturday. de Boed will drive a white van to their location and I wish to take part in visiting. The Netherlands works with Social Neighbourhood Teams who manage care cases in each area off a city, town or village. We will go to another district for it but we where invited. I look somewhat forward to it, it isn't fancy, the building looks old and bad maintainance but it's always a good thing to visit such gatherings. You never know what you might find there and it's good to see art, gather some important relations and small talk and let my mind be filled with fresh inspiration. Art galleries are always a good idea.  

I drank a whole lot off water to soften the effect to my stupid medication intake. An entire water pitcher off about one liter or more. It softened the sharp edges but I'm going to mention this the entire night and tomorrow morning. Corona doesn't kill me off, but this- Sometimes god punishes immediately. I thought to soften my sorrow, but I found headache instead. On the other hand, having to focus on this makes me forget my other trouble. It's like going to the doctor with pain and the doctor slamming you somewhere else with a heavy hammer. 'Ouch! How is this going to help me?' 'Not exactly, but now your other foot hurts more so you won't feel what you came for anymore.' (This is a comedy sketch but I don't know who originally came up with this.) I have the same effect with what's on my mind at this moment. 

They say it's a proven thing dish washing helps to battle negative feelings off depression and anxiety. It's somewhat true as doing the household gives me a good feeling about myself and about to have achieved something usefull. I have a messy kitchen for tomorrow so I can set my mind off off things if I can set myself to it at all. I'm not a household type- most off the time care-takers do it for me or help me with it for the biggest part as not being capable to set myself to a lot is often in my way off doing it anyway. But tomorrow I will try it myself. A clean kitchen is never a bad idea. And I hope I will get access to my new bank account soon. It's a challenge- living poor and live with what you got on hand. Most off the time I can manage it perfectly well, but it gets annoying this third week. I need my grocery money in time next week. It would be such a relief to have that freedom again and be sure I can pay what I need each week. Living sober and thoughtfull has nothing to do with having to live in despair in my opinion. It also doesn't mean you need to spend a huge amount off money all at once on expensive things. But we need a stable amount off money to eat every week. I'm used to poverty, but the end off my cash comes in sight and I need my bank account to work again this week. I'm glad I won't head to a weekend completely out off recources but it can't go on this way. Sometimes all a weekend needs are oranges, coffee and the laundry- and that's still present, but there will be a monday after that where I have to pay for my food. 

When I feel I'm capable tomorrow, I might vacuüm and mop the floor. I hope by the time I managed to do all my chores, I'll hear I'm tested negatively. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good afternoon at the 12th off July, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It´s very warm but cloudy outside. It´s not overly hot, but it´s no day for sun either but it smells great outside because the grass has been mowed. Fresh mowed grass smells wonderfull. 

*

Today was for Monday Grocery shopping. Unfortunately the newspaper has already ended their picture contest off something colourfull and I still don't have access to my new bank account. I had to pay my groceries with cash I got from my mom. But this can't continue forever like this. My accountant promised the bank has send a new bank card. I hope this one will do it's work. It slacks to have to live without being capable to do payments. It's getting annoying by the third week I'm onto that. 

I decided on to give myself more rest and take more breaks from de Boed as it's energy draining at times and I could use a break. I have lots off things I wish to buy on the internet and I've seen a cute book about a cat wandering around Tokio I wish to buy. I still believe in little materialism- which means I have to take on it sober despite my bank account being perfectly accessable for me again -hopefully soon.-  This week I'll make it through, Just like the next one so there is not much to panic over. This next lockdown is going to be a harsh one I think. Since most people had enough off it. Where is that lining where people can't take it anymore? I believe I reached mine some time ago, there was some week during the lockdown at the end where I did hard on coping. We have to bite our teeth to make it through and I'm aware I said 'we are going to take on this and we are going to do this.' But another period off months off lockdown is going to be hard. Not only for me but for everyone. I sense I'm at some personal border where my thoughts become unbearable and mean to think. By mean I mean sharp and out off controll off what's acceptable. These dark thoughts are just as frequent with heavy medication so it's not much off a diffrence without it. I'm exhausted and on my last leggs. I should give myself some space and be onto that. Instead off trying to give it my best and seek something to get my mind off off it as that often doesn't work for me. Thoughts are nasty sometimes. They can be as sharp and mean as a knife. Especially when I feel at the edge off acceptable. It's not a cool thing that way. It's hard. 

My period still hasn't been, still I had an urge to have chocolate spread on my bread and chocolate milk with my lunch. It's a sign it's heading to be there,- but let's not be too optimistic. Hector hasn't been naughty after all. He's still safe living in my head. But let's be realistic- it should happen one off these weeks or something is seriously off in my body. 

I purchased three pie dishes and one baking tray at grocery shopping. I kept myself behaving well at the tomatoes today. They shouldn't feel mocked by my behaviour. I did nothing bad to them. Pie dishes scream for berry pie. But not this week. I bought some fruits which I love during this season and I took some dried dates I have been snacking on already and am almost / already out off. I love dates. 

There are people out there who suggest a diet on vegetables and fruits isn't healthy at all, and you should only eat meat instead. The carnivore diet. Most vegetarians cringle their nose probably by that idea. It's a thing to eat Keto and only meat. I don't know what to believe about that anymore and it left me confused. I would have spend a lot off time seeking up information about plant based foods if this wouldn't have puzzled my mind somehow. What is better? Only fresh meat or a variety off plant based foods? Do the vitamins in them actually work well for you or is that a myth? There are a lot off theories circling around the internet about all kinds off topics. I believe in eating veggies and fruits since I love them. I'm not vegetarian or vegan, but it's a nice lifestyle, to be concerned about the world around you and just eat plant based. I don't know but I love my dates and my fresh cherries. Maybe I should believe in a variety off foods- both meat and plant based, and eat that alltogheter just like people have done for centuries now. It hasn't done bad for them. I'm not strong enough to skip to vega, still I'm open for vegetarian cooking every often. Safe cows, eat more vegetables. A meal rich in vegetables is already a feast without meat. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 11th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and cold outside. Corona infection numbers are increasing and it's heading to code red again. Night clubs and bars already have to close at midnight. I never got there anyway but it's a start that doesn't look promising. After midnight everything has to close down and the third lockdown is ahead off us. 

*

The only special occasion for life is life itself - Buddhistic proverb. 

I have seen this happening a lot off times. Life doesn't guarantee there will be a next day to celebrate anything. So often it's best to make most out off the moment and make it your best then and there because it's how life works- nothing has a secure outcome anymore. I've learned to live with it during the days off my father's sickness in 2012. He died in august just after my birthday, but before I graduated from school or before he could celebrate his 60th birthday. Sometimes I have the idea life gives us the opportunity to celebrate things at other days, or simply to improvise and do it that certain day. There won't be a chance for anything more than that at that given day, no matter how small or big it was. I have experienced those moments. Sometimes all there is to do is to be gratefull for what we had. There's nothing else left to do for us. Becuase at the day off the actuall celebration- the person you wish to celebrate it with might be death. That's how life can work. 

I don't know if I'm the only one with these kind off experiences. Small encounters often have to do it for me. But so to say, I'm prepared for Corona getting after mankind again. I'm not certain if I can celebrate my 29th birthday with everyone next month. If they are allowed in my house that day for example. I would be a bit sore if that would be the case. I planned nothing too fancy, just a moment off coffee with a nice self-made treat and I invented my grandmother for it. But now we have to take caution again and fear for our lives again due to Corona numbers increasing. Grandma, my two brothers, mom and her husband- it's not much people but I wouldn't like a lockdown where you can only have one person for a visit. All off us are vaccined, luckily- but does that mean anything when numbers are increasing? This year, it's a good thing to live by the day and don't plan too much things ahead, as I might suggest to you. It's best to be a bit carefull with that. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Coffee with a vintage twist

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today was cloudy with here and there some rain. It was no thunderstorm like the forecast in the newspaper told us, but it's not much off a weather to enhance a positive mood today. 

*

To keep the spirit up at de Boed, and to keep myself from dying inside, I made a date and pecan cake for them. 

It was perfect and I felt almost suprised by the light texture I managed to give it. Its taste was divine. It's receipe comes from 'de Bakbijbel.' by Rutger van den Broek ( https://rutgerbakt.nl/ -Website in Dutch only-)- A famous Dutch baking chef who has won a TV-program in 2013. I'm a fan off his work and I make it often for de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. 

de Boed had super cute vintage pastry plates, which gave it just that extra touch for this afternoon. It gave a nostalgia feeling like the images from my new vintage coffee book. - I'm a bit off a vintage / retro girl at times. In music and in classic style. Look at that:  

I couldn't be happier about something today. These plates combined with the cake just do it. People complimented me all the time about my cake. There's nothing better than this at times for me. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 
 

Good evening at the 10th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone. 

It's cloudy yet warm, your average type off swamp weather. It's close to coold but it feels brotheling warm outside so it's something that can make people moody. It's no summer weather in general- But for the Netherlands, it's something average. 

*

I still don't have access to my bank account. I paid my groceries last week with cash but I have to work with what I have on stock this weekend. What do people do when they are low on money and there mainly is little to do during an average weekend? Here's what I did: 

I selected some spices and made a cookies-and pie spice mix. (In het Nederlands: Koek-en-speculaaskruiden)  It can be used for diffrent sweet bakings and it was one off those things I still had on hand. Several spices in my kitchen. The smell off it is divine and I'm glad I did something in the kitchen. I also made a middle eastern cake with pecannuts and dates and I loved baking it. They don't want me to bake a lot anymore- but this was an emergency bake because I felt so down I just had to. The moodyness faded and today I feel a bit better than the last days before. -Much better- to be buisy with my hobby again. Tomorrow I will post some pictures off my date cake. I ate all left over dates and felt they tasted so incredibly delicious. I've read up on their benefits but also found out you should eat them in moderation because they are healthy but high in calories. I just can't help but loving the taste off dates. It helped me to overcome my moodyness today. Food saves the day often for me.

Due to the type off weather, I sensed these spices are going to be needed the next period off time. These spices are the best when the weather is cold and rainy. It's no winter yet, but I think you know what I mean- spices are a great solution for the worst moodyness sometimes. At least they where to me by making them. I think next season will be perfect for trying to bake a pumpkinpie for the first time. I never tried to do so. It's a good thing to feel inspired again. I've read you can replace sugar in bakings by date paste. It's healthier than sugar and something tells me I want to try that- parts off a baking replaced by it. I hope it will taste good. 

I had the perfect opportunity to shower yesterday and I'm clean today except for my face. It's sometimes a bit hard to skip to a new beauty routine and stay on it. I'm pricked by several mosquitoes this week, I believe they shouldn't like my blood since I'm on heavy medication and most mosquitoes can be poisioned by that comparing myself to blood without meds. I just believe they are not smart enough to skip me from their diet. Mosquitoes are not very smart about that, but how to explain to them I'm on meds? I suppose they have to learn the hard way. 

Today was for home made pizza at de Boed. Good food can enhance my mood like nothing else can. Without it, life would be too much to take and I'm not over-acting on it. Tiredness fades when I'm doing my hobby. 

I have a painfull neck. I've probably slept wrong or something else like dark magic has came across it. I believe in dark magic because I know it's something that's there but it's not possible to prove anything off it. Tomorrow will be a good day, I have something to look forward to when I'm about to share my date cake with people at de Boed during coffee time. Sunday afternoon will see a cake again. I know it's best not to share one every week, or multiple times a week like I used to, but every once in a while I feel it's urgent to bake and make people enjoy it.

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

      

Good evening at the 9th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's sunny outside. During music yesterday they asked me to sing out loud a newspaper article at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. I decided to make fun off the occasion and started reading / singing out loud the weather forecast. It told it would be 25 degrees celsius that day. Summer weather is here. But it's still cloudy here and there and it's called 'Typical Dutch Summer.' by the newspaper. Next week will be an entire week off rain. Nevertless, it was fun to annoy people and sing the weather forecast a few times. We have someone who sings news articles perfectly when it's Thursday music afternoon at de Boed. They asked me and I gave it my own twist. I don't know if I'll get away with it again. 

*

Today was for being exhausted. I have barely done anything and I'm tired like crazy. I'm fighting my way off off too heavy medication and despite extra vitamin D- I'm tired again. I hope I'm not actually depressed, though I have several symptoms off a depression and I feel low and moody all the time. I felt inspired to sing the weather yesterday and put on a great dress today. But that's all there is for today and tomorrow, probably. I wish I knew a lasting method to get myself energetic again and feeling better. Coffee doesn't work but it tastes nice. Cleaning the tables after dinner today made me feel good. I already feel bad and it's not even autumn. *Sarcastic Peter Griffin voice.* This withholds a promise to this weblog about me being depressed all the time. I can sense more content for the next year. *Peter Griffin voice off*. Tomorrow there will be thunderstorms. Summer isn't promising this year. 

I wish to talk about positive things more. It's hard to find the positive when you don't feel well. I don't even have the energy anymore to clean myself propperly like I wanted to before I got stuck. Maybe I should give myself some time and wait untill I feel better- Or I should give myself a buttkick and try again but I don't want to be too harsh on myself. I told you I wanted to give myself time and space to cure. I wish there was some more light in my life. Lively and positive? Today I don't think so, except for my dress. Maybe I should try more everyday chores to feel good about life again- that seems to work a bit. Life can be so tough when you feel tired all the time. On the other hand- I feel less out off my mind when I'm depressed. Less crazy. But is that a good thing? I wish to celebrate life- not indulge in gloomyness. Tomorrow I can sleep in and I hope that will do well for my mood. I need a few days off from de Boed at times during the weekend. I have a buisy life. Moodyness was a side effect to one off the medications I have. It's medical and I hate that. These meds should make us feel better about life and ourselves- not moody, ugly and fat. That's not fair and science has a world to win in that field. 

Depression is not fair. Health problems are never fair. Still I keep on trying to fight what I have these weeks. I wish to do better with less medication. 

The Netherlands is heading to code red when it comes to Corona. We're heading to a fourth wave off increased infections though the hospitals aren't filled with new patients. Vaccine numbers are increasing. I don't hope we're going after a next lockdown but the trouble this country has is not over yet. 

I feel foggy inside. That's a term for a feeling lowering with medication can cause in your head. You feel as if it's stuffed with cotton pads or clouds and it's a hard feeling. I don't know who I'm reaching at with my stories and if they think what I do is helpfull to them. Maybe there are tons off people in psychiatric health care having my issues who like to read about all off this- while other more common people might be engrossed by it. It's probably hard for 'normal.' people to handle people in psychiatric health care. It's why it requires specialists to do so. I should remember my own advice and pamper myself a bit this evening by taking a warm shower with nice smelling stuff. I could use one. Warmth is needed when you feel like this. Finding motivation and pushing myself forward is almost impossible in this state off mind. Floods are highly running underneath the skin off my face. It's idiotic how almost nothing is visible about it. 

I've read up on it just a moment ago, and depression is a side effect to Palliperidone. The main medicine I'm using at this moment and it's so incredibly mean. I have to take this and my cheerfull mood off feeling better is probably decreased by medication. I hope meds don't see uplifted moods as a problem and start to work on that. I feel horrendous by it. I have been visiting my family and that's also often a trigger for mood changes. I have to be carefull for life with myself when I read up on side effects to this medicine. Depressed for life because off a medicine is tough. As far as I mention it- calmer mood, less likely to groom, more depressed- my medication has probably taken on my uplifted mood from previous days. Sleeplessness is also a side effect according to what I've read. (An online published document from The European Medicines Agency) 

Palliperidone- Side effects  

Gut issues seem to be part off it too. Previous year I had massive gut issues and stomach pains all the time. I don't know what a Guardian Angel can make off this once he reads it. I have a Guardian Angel who helps me with health issues all the time when I post them online. He seems to read them and helps me on it. Unfortunately the Agency considers side effects less off a problem than the benefits to this medication. I have little to choose from once I have issues again, I have tried about four meds for mental health issues the previous years and this is the fifth. They don't work on me sometimes. As far as this goes- I'm covered by most benefits. I feel more calm than I have felt the previous weeks. Tired and cloudy- but I'm not out off my mind. I love my Guardian Angel for taking my health issues upon his shoulders all the time. Human beings are sometimes too mortal to make it through everything by themselves. Guardian Angels are a great help. We can't proove a thing about them, but sometimes it's good to somewhat sense they are there for us. 

I'm a bit moody. Tomorrow is another day and I'd be proud off myself if I would just brush my teeth and tie my hair in a bun aside to putting on sleeping wear. A shower is a bit too optimistic.

Allright, that's about it- Thank you all for reading.  

Hector the ladybug has been naughty

 Good evening everyone, 

It's truly sunny out here with here and there a cloud. It's better weather than it has been the previous days but it's not true summer weather. 

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I have skipped a menstruation period. I feel a bit uneasy about it but periods are a subject women should talk about more freely since it's perfectly normal and health related though it might come off as gross to sensitive souls. Women should be liberated to talk about health issues about that subject. Not only with their doctors. 

I can't be pregnant and who might have done so if I was? Hector the ladybug? I haven't been with a man at all in my entire life so it's not as if I'm knocked up and Hector has his moments but he's imaginative. So bad luck for him if I would be at this moment. But he's not real. Nothing can happen from that. I suppose it's a health issue, or maybe stress even and bad luck for me. Ladybugs are better not to be cursed if they're some sort off a fairy-like creature. Like I told you, he could be some sort off a tuatha dé danann. But that still means he's not physically present in my life. I could be overly speculating on that, but it's probably a health issue and not Hector the ladybug. 

I have had issues with it before. I have PCOS and it was common for me to bleed irregulairly and have periods left out at times. Onto General Practice again. Sometimes it works for me to keep my mouth shut. But General Practice hasn't been very helpfull the previous time, I don't know what they could do for me now. Or maybe it's just waiting untill it happens. A woman's body can be unpredictable at times. I hope Hector the ladybug won't be offended by the title off this blog. He's a bit moody at times at me but I don't want to set off a small spirit that might or might not excist. 

Sometimes I think I should have my own film with Johnny Depp in one off the mainroles. Somewhere where he can be a mad role for a story about a woman in her 20's in psychiatric health care. I don't have a crush on him like some women do have, but I think he's the right actor for this madness. It should be called 'Prountoupaloup.' And maybe he could be a mad, over-acting Vana Events villain in this. Vana still sits on their hands not to react on this while on the other hand they spread lies about 'Silence speaks more than words.' Oh, the corruptness- I don't listen to it. I speak my own words about this unfairness. I refuse to be silenced. 

I believe a cute alien geek would complain all the time about me to have been rude and mean online for a while. I don't want a man at this moment and especially not a man who complains a lot. I think the blonde alien geek with glasses doesn't excist or is somewhat off a downer in real life. And maybe his handsome friend has turned a bit old by now. I'm not in love but sometimes they cross my mind and I know they are based on real people. I just don't know who they are. Aliens, the crew to 'Prountoupaloup' and small ladybug spirits could be easily grossed out by tales about women's periods. I should talk this over with a care-taker once I'm home again. Though I still think health issues should be talked over more freely.  

I could tell you something positive. Today's cucumber soup for Wednesday Soup was received well by people who had it. They liked my soup. I have people asking for my soup each week. 'Will there be soup this week? What soup are we going to have? Will there still be soup on tuersday?' (There are plenty off people who have a left over off the soup at tuersday. It's well received on both days.) Next week's soup still has to be thought out. What soup will I make and how will I make it? The rise, the eating, the fall- you have to be there to believe it. And that every week. Madness helps me be creative better. That also counts for preparing good soup. It improves with my inspiration. I'm exhausted, but I'm proud for keeping up with medication enlowering for about two weeks now. It's heavy and it's hard. - But I'm going to do this. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good evening at the 7th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening it's sunny and bright outside. It's showing as if it's beginning to cheer for summer but let's not be too positive about that. It's still too damp and cloudy here and there to do so. 

*

Wednesday Soup was for cucumber soup with a lot off green herbs in it. It was a great taste and I had a lot off people liking it. Cucumber soup isn't something common and fresh cucumbers are delicious but not a basic ingredient for soup in this country. It was worthit the try however. Cucumber alongside some zuchinni's to help it and dragon, an entire jar off Italian herbs, an entire small jar off dill and some fresh basil was defenetely a good idea. 

I am visiting my family this evening for a suprise and so far everything goes fine. I love my family and I feel it's not much off a nice thing to speak bad off them on here. I cherish the ones I still have. I helped mom preparing a salad and I had no complaints about being too slow from her, luckily. Every day chores in the kitchen like preparing an every day salad feels like it's a good thing to do and it's nice to do. Sometimes we need just tomatoes and cucumbers in our lives to feel a bit better. And they're a good idea, nevertless- because they're healthy for most people. I adjusted a lot off ghürkins, apples, eggs and some herb dressing. Nothing more than that but sometimes so satisfying to make when you feel dark and numb. I stick to my point: Making yourself off use for people makes you feel less empty in life. Even if it's something small.   

I feel so incredibly tired all the time. I started taking more vitamin D but still- I'm low on energy. I keep on trying with vegetables and fruits to regain a bit off energy but it's hard for me to maintain a healthy energy level. So we have a salad, brocoli, fish from the oven and potato rösti this evening. I feel spoiled by it. Mom has a relaxed tempo on living her life. I have a cool mom who might not understand but who tries her best. Tomorrow I'll head home. If I had the choice between a man and sleeping well every night I'd choose the last. I would be so much better off if I'd finally rest a bit better. And sometimes small things are to cheer for. Be happy with what you've got and don't act spoiled. It's sometimes so honorable to do so. 

I wish I could sleep well and feel energetic again for my entire life. Sometimes it's those medicines I have to take. I have to take them my entire life so I won't be dangerous or incredibly crazy. With meds I'm a faded version off myself though I try looking my best still. Life with medication is hard but without it it would be impossible. I have to flip every euro since I live on governmental wages and I have gained an incredible lot off weight over the past years. I'm a faded version off myself these hard and painfull years- due to heartbreak it has worsened a few years ago. I'm finally making steps to get over with that. Life is hard for me. But I keep on trying. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 6th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is cloudy and it finally rains a bit. It's windy and stormy outside. The evening is bright and sunny. 

*

I wish I was in charge off my own kitchen instead off having to eat at de Boed, but maybe I will organize a cozy dinner at home with nice people and make them a nice meal with a dessert. Before Corona I used to do that every once in a while. My friend with who I used to do that isn't alive anymore. I have to get out off my shell and look for other company for it. I have a lot off fellow clients and care-takers who like me enough to come to have dinner with me every once in a while if I'd ask them for that. It might be solved that way. 

I feel a bit moody today and I don't know why the gloom has returned after deciding to take more effort on myself. Better dressing, better hygiene and I take more vitamins. Still some off the sadness has come back and I don't know if I can call it a depression if I feel like that but it's close to it. The eye off the storm, a place in between time and space where I felt a bit better and got up again has faded but I'm still motivated to improve my life. As it's important to give it your best every day.   

While, as I came back from dinner at de Boed, my mood improved. I feel relieved and better spirited. I don't know why. Outside the clouds have gone and so has my bad mood. Life is improving for me at the moment. I have a new job. I'm a jewelry maker at a small attelier somewhere in Wormerveer, at a beautifull location nearby the river de Zaan. It's a place for handicapped people to have a way to fill in their days and it's small and cozy. I got appreciated for making my jewelry there. It's not demanding and I made my work hours easy and capable for me to keep on doing. I feel so much better about life while I got a job that appreciates me at a spot close by a barista where they serve coffees and treats. It's where I had lemon meringue pie for the first time and today I tried their iced coffee. I had two servings. I love having coffee at cool spots every often. It's what makes a day. Being one off those edgy young women at a barista every often. I don't know why. I love to feel like I'm still cool at times. I'm almost 30 after all. In two years I'll be 30. This year I'll turn 29. They say life starts at 30 and gets only better after that age. I hope that counts for me just as good. When Marilyn Monroe turned 30, they told her women after 30 are the most beautifull women. I'm far from a Marilyn, but I hope someone will tell me that. I like to stay positive about it, however. I don't feel old but I'm not one off those women who it's given not to look their age. When I look in the mirror I look my age and no younger or older than that. I look 28. Sometimes 30. I'm after youth, however. I wish to look young and fresh and a bit artistic. I got that urge already and I'm afraid it will grow over time. I'll be 29 in a month, at the 5th off August. 

I shouldn't complain I still have pimples and work hard to get rid off them. Hahaha. There's nothing wrong with self-mockery at times. It's more healthy than to grow an immature ego I believe. If we can't laugh at ourselves, we are in a terrible state off being we should fear. Prick through your ego and learn to laugh about yourself. (~My advice to everyone.)  Don't take life and yourself too serious. That's not healthy. 

Having bot pimples and wrinkles on your face might be awfull. So to me it seems. I refuse to wear foundation every day so onto moisturizing skin creams. I found when I do that, my face leakages seem to be less. Moisture regulating skin cream helps me from preventing fluid streams underneath my skin somehow. Taking care off my skin solves a problem. It's a whole lot less than it was some weeks ago. General Practice couldn't find anything. But technology is behind on that. They should invent a machine or probably a phone app to look underneath skin at hand immediately. I believe such a tool can be incredibly handy for a doctor. I don't mean anything sexual with this, it should be used for medical purposes by a specialist only. Not everyone is suitable for an app that can spy underneath clothes. A few weeks ago I thought I was going to die by this. I still wish I knew what that fluid actually is but I believe I might never find out with the current capability medical specialists have unfortunately.   

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 5th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, (I made this message yesterday, but I forgot while browsing the internet and shutting down the computer afterward. I'm about to post it today, at the 6th. But it's about the 5th.) 

The weather has been again perfect swamp-weather. It was cloudy with a bit off rain but it was warm in general. I think we should be lucky not to be a victim to huge rain storms in the rest off the country which have caused a huge flood in other places. 

*

Today was for grocery shopping. I wish I wasn't so blunt at the internet at times, it's funny but who cares about grocery shopping? It's the best effin enlivening story you'd read today: Went grocery shopping on a cold and rainy monday. -Tissues please.- My bankcard still doesn't work - Now it gets exciting- My Accountant has laid the problem at the bank. I had to pay with cash I had still safed somewhere. -Background music.- And I bought... -Tatatada- Bananas, some honey and some dates. - End off the story.-  Starring: / Care taker 1./ Care taker 2. / A white van/ The van driver./ Fellow patients./ Me./ (We always get there driven in a white van.) It's the mundane for me, just like banana cake. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should get myself into bored housewife behaviour. Reading bouquet books, getting rid off medication and start drinking sherry and white wine, Start wearing marigolds- It would not make sense but it's what I associate the supermarket with. Every day women with a '50's attire (Heavy make-up, dresses with approns, marigolds and pearl or loud necklaces and earrings.) getting bored throughout their day. But my idea off the supermarket is an outdated one. Supermarkets don't want to be known as an old fashioned place. They are very tolerant to everyone I hope to believe, so also for people like us to do our groceries every monday. The only reason I'd like to associate myself with that is that life is mundane at some point and supermarkets are part off that. I shouldn't complain since I got driven there in a white van with other people with issues. That's not mundane. Sometimes the mundane is a safe place where people can come to rest. Still, among washing liquid, tomatoes, magazines and other usefull everyday products I associate it with mundane and probably a bit dull. But it's not cool to make fun off usefull supermarkets. They are incredibly needed for most people. 

The best part off the supermarkt is their fresh items counter. I love fresh nuts and chocolates and fresh breads and all other yummy stuff that's made almost fresh there, comming to a great smell. That's a good thing about everyday supermarkets. And washing liquid, tomatoes and magazines are needed. I think soon I'll get someone at the supermarket catching me among the tomato storage asking me why I'm dumb laughing so hard at the vegetables. Veggies are cool. I hope the supermarket won't be offended by this blog. 

Life gets by every day. It's going allright. I'm not heavily off set, but I have to take on it easily. Today was a bit nasty for me since I dropped on the pavement during a walk. I have a few nasty bruised spots on my left leg which will probably turn blue. It was a nasty fall and I needed a moment to get over with the shock. It's not broken, luckily. The pavement where I live is somewhat uneven everywhere. I dropped more often around this area. During winter I was all bruised because off it. (Don't laugh.) And I hear several people complaining about uneven pavements.    

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading. (The story for today will eventually follow.)        

Something that's centred around positivity

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was for cloudyness and rain. But there are reasons to stay positive in life. At times it's absolute necessity to take good care off ourselves and pamper ourselves a bit more since that's what everyone can use when a day, or and entire summer, is gloomy like that just like the rest off the year. We need to take good care off ourselves, - because no one is going to do it for us according to what some say. 

What is a basic need for most women during gloomy and cold weather? Some warming and nice smelling showergel and a rich bodybutter- alongside with a warm shower. It's a good idea to take uplifting and comforting showers and give yourself that extra care you need. Especially in the evening when you feel you've had an entire day out in the cold. Make sure your house and your bed are warm and comfortable in the evening and sleep like a princess. Listen to your favourite music and allow yourself yummy comfort foods like ovendishes with extra cheese on them for example and a nice dessert. Pamper your skin a bit more with skincare (Men could also do these steps.). These are perfect things to do during weekends, or on days when you just need that little extra to help you through the day. Allow yourself tea and coffee and maybe lift it up to warm spiced tea or cappuccino if you can afford that. At times life needs a little more than just the average. 

Is that something about positivity? I wish I could share a cool story with you about something positive that happened. The most positive in my life is that it's more about self-healing from past damage and getting to know my disease better and be more aware off it's symptoms so I hope I can handle them more. Unfortunately nothing spectaculair happened but small medication enlowering. I need to back it up this evening because I have slept bad yesterday but I wish to go on with it and get used to less medication and more off a free mindset and spirit. That's something that feels nice, but I still have to be aware off myself. I feel a bit better so I decided to make myself look better. That is positive. I have been looking like a ghost for too long now and neglected my selfcare for a while. I feel more fresh now. It's a good thing to feel alive again. 

Life at the moment feels good by watching video's on youtube and somewhat dwell on luxury goods. Like new clothes I've bought this week, and pampering myself with nice feeling skincare. I prefer to use stuff free from animal testing as I think it's not necessairy to torture poor animals with what we need. Except when it's to test medication but that's an absolute necessity. The world can do without care products tested on sweet animals. I prefer nature based stuff over processed goods. It's softer on skin and better for you. Become more positive- start to care about the world around you. I decided to be against animal testing and pro natural based products before it was a cool thing ever since I was in my early teens about 15 years ago. I'm proud the world has made such improvements on these products ever since and it's something more and more people are aware about these days. It's a cool thing. 

Feel more positive- but that's something I could work on myself. I ain't all sunshine and roses either this period off time. I feel positive by practicing gratitude. Not in a christian way by praying, but more in a 'I'm gratefull for what I have.' in a more 'I can feel it when I'm around here.' - way. I feel gratefull for everything I got here. My own house, people who help me, A garden belonging to the terrain, ways to be creative, life- all off that, having food on the table each day, these things matter. Life can be as simple as this sometimes, just having your basic needs covered. But it's a necessity to be gratefull in a time which makes people too materialistic about life a lot. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you for reading.        

Good evening at the 4th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It rains outside and it has been cloudy all day today. It's gloomy weather so far. 

*

Today was for sitting my time out at de Boed and just wait untill nothing happens. It was a boring day. We had pancakes for dinner and I had an ice cream cone (strawberry flavoured) for dessert. It was no day to feel low on money. 

I wish to hang on a more possitive attitude on this weblog. No complaining about past enemies. I still hate them terribly but I know there can't be anything done about it. I could blog on and on about them but it's not off use. I might be hard headed, but do they posess this quality themselves, oh yes. They aren't any better than me. 

Today the time went by slowly and boring. Not much off a good day and I've slept awfully this night. I have that often after a weblog about my enemies. I'm afraid they might jinx me and destroy me and my good plans for the upcoming time when I post it on the internet. I have no trust in them whatsoever. Still, I feel like picking up my weapons and fight. If I wouldn't defend myself- nobody else would do so against nasty gossip and mean and nasty actions. I need to express an opinion off my own on here. It would not be fair in this fight if I wouldn't have any and become a victim to them. That's no option to me. Bad sleep out off deep rooted fears is terrible. 

Fears are one off the biggest sources to my delusions. If I knew how to fear the enemy less, I would do much better. The Russians could learn from them. But I wish to publish something positive today. Not to dwell into hate and mean thoughts. I'm not mean by nature. That's a mistake people often make. It's just that in a fight with other people, people often don't see your best side. It makes so much off an ilusion to those who wish to think low off you. That's how it's always been. 

I believe I better make my next blog all about positivity and niceness for the world, as this blog doesn't go anywhere in that field. I'm sorry people. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.