Good evening at the 19th off December, 2019

Good evening, everyone.

A blog about A few positive things, things I've been enjoying lately. Instead off feeling so wrapped up and depressed, I Fight winterdepression and madness this year! Or at least I'll give it A try. These things may seem pretty old fashioned or simply basic, but I love it and it works


1. Flowers, situating flowers in fancy vases and flower photography: 

I happen to have A thing for white flowers, and yellow flowers. They lend themselves pretty well to be photographed and they cheer up many A dull room with their delicacy, allure and prettyness. And they don't take space forever. This flowerbush is already spoiled and gone, but somehow I think every now and then fresh flowers and vases are worthit the splurge 

2. Star anise in A lot off bakings 

This is A tarte tatin I made some time ago and star anise combined with conference pear is heaven in my mouth, Alike the taste off star anise in A lot off things, I love it. I felt a bit weary about the taste off star anise in some receipes, but I tried anyway and I'm glad I did.  

These cookies are supposed to be the shape off A house, I have A cookie cutter that shape, but they denied their shape, blew up due to baking powder in the receipe and became out off the box. I made these cookies A little from scratch, but Star Anise sure was one off the main flavours. Some cookies even became to look worse, but their taste was perfect. Like you wish your December cookies to taste.


3. My christmas tree.

It's cluttered and A bit tiny, but who cares, it's perfect just the way it is in my living room. It feels as if I'm taking part off the hollidays, and simply participating with the holiday spirit feels better than denying it and keep everything dull around the house. It works for me. 

Life has been A bit buisy lately, but in A positive way. Despite being A bit overworked these days I experience things to be A lot better than in my old appartment. 

That's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading! 

XXX- Maaike. 

Good evening at the 19th of November, 2019

Yesterday, I heard A voice in my head, - that's not the best source for information, but it was something that got me angry, and in the mood even for writing on this suspicious weblog.

It told me there is A rumor going on about me hating on fellow fat people. - FYI, that's not  true. I'm A big fan off body postive roll modelling, and body positive images, since I know like no other what it's like to be big. I don't know why A voice in my head told me that, alongside that I'm A pervert for hitting on ladybugs. (This is some sort off true, I'm afraid. I had an imaginairy, human like ladybug named Hector for quite A long time, and I loved him. I believe he helped me out soon after moving, but I really did came to love him like I woul love A crush, but he's some sort off gone off now. I have tried to draw him some time ago, but I doubt whethether I should share it. He was pretty cute, though.)

Allright, back on topic. I'm not someone who hates and harasses other fat people. I think everyone is worthit. I hate to be devaluated for being ugly and fat, so I would never for real do so on someone else. However, it's A rumour in my head about stupid people thinking so off me. Why would I even bother re-starting A blog and defend myself on something that just happened in my head? Probably because it got me still angry. The voice was gone off after my angry outburst to him. (Most off the time, voices aren't that intelligent and fade after you reply to them with A sincere wit. People should try that more often: If you have voices in your head, simply talk back to them, tell them their wrong and see what happens. It works for me.)

I'm not depressive anymore. I got nice neighbours and more on hand to keep me buisy than I had last year, I'm doing much better than before. But I say that everytime I think I'm doing well, to find out after A while that I didn't do well in that certain period.

 How are we doing then? - Tired, fallen out off love recently, but I'm also proud I didn't steal someone from their relationship. I kept my appropriate distance instead off  causing trouble, and I deserve A pat on my shoulder for that. I got my surrounding and my hobbies (I bake every often for the nearby community centre, which is most off the time highly appreciated.) which keep me on track. Even if I'm not actually doing well without being aware off it, I feel like life is going nicely and things work out well for me.

I'm not American, I live in the Netherlands, but I know it's thanksgiving soon, I wonder if I should make A pumpkin pie this week to share A bit in that spirit. Really, how can you hate fat people and being this fat yourself, if you love food so much? That just doesn't make true sense. Fat girls love their foods and just can't do without.

Allright, that's it for this evening. Thank you for reading.

XXX- Maaike.

Good evenig at the 8th off September, 2019.

Good evening everyone,

This end off the week has been A tragic one. My favourite pet (A ginger and white cat named Elmo. We had him for about 8 years and he was always so gentle and cuddly. I remember to have raised him from kitten on when I still lived at my mom's house and how I was so proud he had become such A nice cat.) has been run over by A train two days ago, I have been off my mind with sadness for two days, and I've eaten about three bars off chocolate because off that. To set my mind off off things and to soften the pain, probably- but it didn't work. I'm still emotional.

There also has been A suspicious bagpack yesterday at the large bus stop at Zaandam station just when I went out to shop at the saturday street market. They had to drop off the environment untill security services arrived, I got on the first bus that would stop near my destination to get out off that situation as soon as possible. As far as I know, nothing dangerous has happened at Zaandam station, but it has been 'such A weekend.'

If things like this don't happen, life goes by quite calm and A bit boring at times. But I guess it's better than to be stressed out by hectics. That's probably why I don't blog so often anymore. Things go too well to rant about 😉 Though I would still call myself A bit moody at times. Hopefully it won't be A long and gloomy winter this year.

My cat is my main point off sadness for this week, he was such A true friend, and one  off the few living creatures who could truly call themselves A real friend off mine. Emotion-wise. I had A loving bond with him. He will be missed by our entire family for A long time. 😭 I had almost forgotten I could be so sad and crying out loud about something like I did yesterday.

Thank you for reading, and for taking your time to read this.

Yours sincerely-
XXX.-
Maaike. 

A little explaination

I have given him my all, that's all I can say about it.

I have given this fight in psychiatric health care my utmost best because he was stuck in my head, and I can't tell you this in A more mild way. It would understate the cause, that would be A waste.

I have lost my mind and my nerves because off mister X. But he doesn't seem to be mutual interested. I have send him letters and post cards with explaination but I doubt he has received them at all.

This is how unfair life can get, I do sob over it, I have had emotional break downs (Despite being A bit in love with A new crush) but he seems to have abandoned me. I think that's unfair. I have broken up with everyone in the Fantasy scene because off to have been broken and mistreated by so many off them over the years. It was much better to have left them than to have wasted my time and to have stayed stuck with them.

I feel mis understood on A lot off levels. And I don't take the role off morron or coward upon myself, I have fought real life battles beyond most people's level off understanding. I doubt most would have taken it as good and brave upon them as I have done. And that is something that deserves to be said.

I'm probably on A diffrent level off emotional understanding than A lot off people. I think if something deserves the award for 'meanest low-life on earth.' Then it's Vana Events as A whole in my case. I doubt this will be understood. But have any off you ever lived in an appartment crowded with violent drug criminals and can say they have left perfectly unharmed after about 6 months? I can. Can any off them say they have lived in A health organisation for mental people without being harmed by other violent inmates and dealt with it quite gracefully, like I did? I loathe Vana Events for ignoring all off this and pretending everything is just fine. I'm glad I have left them and I'm proud I can stick up my nose against them by now. I think that's quite fair after all that has happened. I got so angry previous year, I couldn't stop myself from violently breaking up with the fantasy scene.

Violently, by using words that have been on my mind for ages. People can be fakely nice so they won't harm people, or they can finally speak up what's on their liver and live on freely again. I did the last. I feel relieved for being done with them. It felt as if there has always been something unspoken between us that made things only more uneasy with time. I'm glad I spoke up, and to be honest, most alternative people are on A level off understanding about their self-imagined live and so hypocritical sensitive, they're uneasy to talk with. I can't deal with such idiocy most off the time though I have neatly tried. And tried- and tried, but then I exploded and everything came out. I know I'm better done with them forever, as that feels better for me, and for them aswell. They aren't the ones to respond to me anyway, despite sticking up their noses arrogantly whenever being faced with me. And in the begining, I wasn't as impossible as I am nowadays. Nothing equals nothing. It should equal nothing but then again, I feel hurt. They claim to be overly sensitive, but I'm always the one who ends up being hurt and harmed by them. Not the other way around. It's salt on personal wounds they pretend not to see.

I wonder how A person and A case like mine could have ended up so blown up idiotically anyway. That's not my fault, let me tell you that. It's jealousy from them that has made this so uneasy and impossible. I have given it my best to end it, and to set things right from the beginning on- but it was never heard and ruined over all the time. And I can assure you that is true.

I hope you haven't ended up with A headache after reading this,

But proud to keep you informed-
XXX- Maaike.

Good afternoon at the 9th off July, 2019

Good afternoon everyone.

I turn out not to weigh 180 killograms, like I thought, but 165 after to have weight myself at the FACT, (mental health care providing service.) It's about 15 kilograms less than I believed. I'm still way too fat. But I just can't set myself to truly loosing weight this year, I don't know what's with that. I haven't been on A new year's diet like I usually do for about A month after the hollidays. (Often that makes me loose about 5 to 7 kilograms, at one time even 10 in one month. I get enough off it in february, and usually the diet train doesn't hear from me for about one year after that. At one time I started to diet (science approved, according to A Dutch online programe provided by good science and supported by the government even. I got that reccomended by A hospital and I must say, it truly works if you stick yourself to it.) straight after the hollidays instead off starting in january.)

something tells me it's useless this year to even start A weight loss routine however. I think I'll try again this september. So what's there left to do for now? Simply not to care and planning to prepare A non-bake white chocolate cheesecake with A speculaas bottom. As seen on pinterest.

I am, however, A stately member off the depression train for this year so it seems. I'm busy working on A lot off issues from the past, I'm in serious therapy with A lot off things these months. good food helps me to keep it togheter in my head. Just like some need smoking or even worse (Which I don't support.) to keep them a bit more sane, I need food. Especially sweet foods. And prepairing sweet snacks makes me A bit Zen in my head, as cooking and baking are my favourite hobbies. I haven't done it as often as usuall lately. I eat my meals at 'de Boed.' because I'm also very lazy lately. I can't set myself to anything so it seems. 

I'm so depri I even got rid off being in love with 'Lars.' though I sometimes still think off him and get warm feelings, I believe my heavy process off working on everything and taking care off myself / putting myself first are more important for now. I believe 'Lars.' was some kind off A delusion. Remember people,  It's not healthy to cling on some cute stranger you've only seen once and imagining things around him. No matter how romantic that somehow feels. I'm lucky 'Lars.' hasn't read any off this and hasn't send A restraining order at me for all off this nonsense. I'm not stalking, I'm just very romantically imagining things about that man and decided to seek for him by placing it online, It sounds insane. If I was A man and I would find out about some lunatic having the hots for me this way, I'd keep my appropriate distance from them. And pretend they don't excist.

But somehow it's over and I feel more light in my mind when it comes to love. I need to get used to it being over. Though I feel depressed about so many other things, it's such A burden.

That's it for today, thank you for reading this personal weblog.

XXX-
Maaike.


    

Good evening at the 20th off May, 2019.

Good evening everyone,

I guess 'Lars.' Is the kind off love I won't take real action on. I'm too comfortable with where I live, and too much things have happened in the 'Fantasy world.' for me to ever wish to come back. I'm not up to taking action so far, I don't see myself doing that at all, I guess I just keep loving him sweetly on A safe distance. Untill I somehow feel my time has come, and then I'll make it happen.

I'm pretty serious with it, I'm 5 months in some sort off an infatuation about that guy without taking serious action, I guess it'll stay that way, I'm sorry 'Lars.' 

***
I have finished the owl at the Upcycling shop, it has A cute blue ribbon around it's neck and it's bottom is sewn alltogheter, it looks kinda cute now, despite my doubts about how it turned out A bit at first. I'll come back tomorrow at my Upcycling day care job, to take notes off their meeting, and then I'll take pictures off that adorable owl. (I probably haven't told before, I take notes for the Upcycling meeting ever since the beginning off this year.) 

***

And my period has seriously started to break through. You hear me often about that feminin issue called 'period.' But I think it's actually something you should talk about sometimes. It's nothing but nature, and to have issues with it shouldn't be shoven under the rug.

I'm glad my (male) guardian angel helped me somewhat with this, like expected, as soon as I make noise about it, he's helping me out with health issues, that has happened quite some time now. I'm so thankfull. I think it's some being from another dimension. Or A real sweetheart off an excisting man with magical capabilities. I can't imagine A living man to be so nice and caring about feminin health issues, though. To bleed it out and refresh your inner system sometimes can be quite healthy. 👼 💖 It's A rumour that women live longer because off their bleedings, because the spinal cord is set to work to refresh something in our system. Which is pretty healthy. People who donate blood to provide help to patients in the hospital, (Male or female) also live longer due to that according to recent rumors. (It was something on the news this week, but I can't come up with the source for now.) 

Anyway, thanks to Mother Nature I was born A woman. I don't fear to talk about periods and such. It's nothing but nature to have them. I won't bombard this blog with such tales, though.

***

This was my day for today, I hope you enjoyed reading.

XXX.-
Maaike.

What if...

The earth truly is A place off punishment for war criminals and war victims from other planets, send here to eat and to be eaten- And this entire world is just- villain instead off the planet off learning, god and hope people like to put up about?

The ancient pyramids really are research laboratories put up by Iluminati to research human bodies, one for kings, (Men) one for queens, (Women) and there has never been A pharao buried in there to begin with, but that´s what it was all about?

There truly where humanoid aliens from either the Pleiads, Orion or Sirius, when I escaped from home, and ran to the IJsselmeer beach in 2013? Simply after preventing me out off the future to get real succes in politics and giving me that stamp off being A lunatic?

What if pleiadans secretly do inhabit Venus, and the blizzards which make it impossible for human space gear to land there on that planet are put up by them, simply to keep Nasa from discovering them?
But isn´t it A well known fact that these kind off high developed aliens have been in contact with Washington ever since?

I truly have been an Egyptian priestess or woman off high power back in the days?

I don´t take these things really serious anymore, I´m out off this confusion and I don´t wonder so much anymore about the earth, and what might have happened upon it and why it is the way it is, I´m not after ´truths.´ and ´news.´ found on conspiracy theory sites anymore. I guess I got my common sense back. However, I heard A voice in my head saying that Nordic Pleiadan Aliens and Aliens off most kinds are only into rich, succesfull or incredibly good people, and that they rather leave normal people alone and aren´t interested in them- But I lost contact with that voice.

Haha, I hope you enjoyed reading this.

To have ordered: two cookbooks on hearthy quiches and pies.

It's A bit off A route in between, it's about baking, but these can be used as inspiration for dinner so it's not so bad like, when you ordered A cookbook on sweet cakes and cookies. Still it's the fun off baking.

I have to make space on my cookbook-shelves. I could have saved up A little off that money, but something in me wished to buy myself some nice stuff. I haven't bought A quiche tin, I have to work with the baking tins I already own.

One off my goals is to lose about 50 killograms over the next period off three years, I've given myself some time.

quiches and hearthy pies aren't particulairly healthy foods, with their dough and melted cheese stuffing, but I feel like making one or two for dinner the upcomming period. And I think I won't regret. You can make them as winter-ish or summer-like as you wish to, they're not just suitable for winter (Like something in my head tells me.) 

It was always so nice to eat when my mom made A few large hearthy pies at home for dinner. I wouldn't call it her signature dish, but I can remember her making it when my brother (A 2.10 meters tall guy nowadays) was still A young boy and they made it togheter. I wonder if he still knows that hearthy pie filling mom used to make. It was something very easy with ham, vegetables and cheese.   
Tuesday one off these books will be delivered, and the other one the next week, around the 25th off May.

I hope you enjoyed reading. 

Good afternoon at the 19th off May, 2019

Good afternoon everyone.

I´m having A bit off trouble with this ´Stop-week.´ off my birth controll, I´m supposed to bleed, but the bleeding doesn´t seem to come through, I bleed in small episodes, but the large bleeding doesn´t seem to begin, I know I´m not pregnant, (Luckily) it´s just that this period is A bit... weird and seems to be A little troublesome, I guess. I believe that very nice guardian angel I have in my mind sometimes could help me out. I might sound strange, but sometimes, A very warm man with black hair pops up in my mind and helps me to get rid off physical health issues, I don´t know where to begin to thank him if he turns out to excist for real. That sounds weird, right? Do we, humans, have special angels like that? I have never met him, but I wish to send my thanks to him for everything. As he often pops up and helps me.💖 I feel so thankfull for A being like him who works with my ´health system.´ at times.

As for today, I´m just out off bed and had A few mugs of instant wiener melange to start this afternoon with. I expect nothing to happen on this lazy sunday. I´m thinking off ordering some usefull goods online, so I´ll have ´presents.´ in my mail box next week. That could turn A boring sunday afternoon into A fun day.

A few off these items are books about professional baking, however. To improve my skills in that field, written by famous people who made name with baking, and as far I´ve seen, their books just look nice to flip through and perhaps make some receipes from. So to say, -You have A hobby, or you don´t.-

A bit off thinking out loud: I think one off next week´s dinners will be A self-made quiche, simply to eat my veggies in A yummy way. I could order A quiche baking tin, with A loose bottom which could also be suitable for certain pies. Those baking tins for quiches are often pretty large. At the moment, I only own A few common baking tins. So one more special baking tin could just give it that little extra.

Allright, to the webshops!

I hope you enjoyed reading my weblog.

XXX.-
Maaike. 

 

Good afternoon at the 18th off May, 2019

Good afternoon everyone.

A bit off A rant about some cons when it comes to losing weight.

I wish I had an easy method to loose at least 50 killograms. The previous year, I simply ignored being obese and just put myself on survival mode to cope with my issues.

At this moment, I have this issue where I break down everytime I try to get myself on A (working) diet, and start to eat again, as if something in my system simply refuses. I know this might not be the best time to start A diet, since I started being on my period this week, like I told. If anything, women need snacks to make it through if it's this time off the week, I had A large bar off milk chocolate today, and I'm on (I had about three mugs) instant coffee with A lot off diary and sugar at this moment. I have the plan, now simply to do so is the main issue. And to get more excersise... I probably shouldn't refuse so much anymore if care-takers offer me to walk along with the walking group at times. (Sometimes, that feels like pressure I don't wish to take on my shoulders. Often I'm 'too tired.' or simply feel too lazy to come with them.)

Being tired could also perfectly be A side effect off the Birth Controll I'm on. which is ment to regulate my periods and my hormones, since I'vgot PCOS, and I'm not known with all side effects off having your period regulairly. I've heard it (Both birth controll medicines and being more regulair on your period) can make you feel gloomy, lazy and very tired. So, aside from psychic meds, another issue which makes me exhausted often. But I wished to block out the most simple looking option: enlowering my weight, eat more healthy and excercise more to get myself on A more energetic level. It seems so easy that this is the course when you're as overweight as me. For A Dutch woman, I'm incredibly fat. I've been on fattening medicines ever since I was 19. It doesn't support that my will-power got enlowered either, and simply doesn't give me A fighting or even A working spirit and my mind simply gives up very easy when it comes to losing weight. It's so hard. And pressure is something I'm not capable to deal with. The only pressure I deal with, is my strive to have A fun life and do well and go on with my being in every field off life, in the most broad meaning off this sentence. I love to make people happy in daily life and brighten up their life A bit, (Or simply their daily life mood at that time) usually with good baking or something creative they like. Or with helping them A bit. Which cheers me up since I got their appreciation.

-Be A light in the darkness that surrounds you,- and I'm pretty serious with that, and I have been ever since being in psychiatric aid, and noticed other patients are less- clever than me, I'm sorry to say. I decided after my first awfull intake in A mental hospital in 2013, that I wanted to help fellow patients A bit. Cooking and baking delicious foods for them is one off those things I love to do. I have done so often. And I wish to continue that.   

It's getting A bit hard that way to lose A good amount off weight if being busy with food is one off the things that helps you helping them. (It's also A bit off an excuse to be busy with my hobby, since I love to cook and bake. I can spend A whole evening on pinterest listening to 80's classics and watching receipes.) What did you say? You wish to lose about 50 killograms? But I think brightening up people's life with food isn't the most important issue if you really have that goal. I believe I have to search for foods that are less fattening than my cooking methods are.

Allright, that's it for this evening. I hope you enjoyed reading!

XXX.- Maaike. 


  

Good morning at the 17th off May 2019

Good morning everyone.

Unfortunately, the sports teacher had called off, so the care-taker who takes us to sports called the clients off. Otherly said: I didn't start A sports routine this morning, due to circumstances. There's A next chance next week, though. I have to be carefull with this. bad circumstances make me suspicious.

I felt like making A cheesecake with white chocolate on top and perhaps some self-made caramel sauce on top off that, but something tells me it's better not to do so this weekend. Comming to think off it, I'm about to make cupcakes at work next monday. If I wish for A healthier eating habbit, and not overly stuff myself with sugar, I better don't make A cheesecake at home this weekend. though it's tempting, and I love to bake.

Luckily, this is A decision I can make, and this doesn't depend on circumstances. There are healthier receipes out there, for bakings loaded with fruits and hidden vegetables. But I guess I'll just leave this weekend without any baking, and simply try to choose more healthy ideas.

To have said that, I wonder what to do next weekend.

Thank you for reading,
XXX.- Maaike.

Going to try A weekly sport routine on friday, and see where that leads me.

I decided to sign up for the friday morning gym group Leviaan has. I don't know if it was A bad idea or not, I'll be on my period from tomorrow on, I feel tired often and I wonder why I did so without even owning sport clothes. But hence, I decided I wanted to excercise A bit every week.

I don't know if I have already told you, but I'm exhausted often- Care-takers suspect it to be something serious and decided on to make an appointment with General Practice for me, but I myself believe it could be something physicall I can get rid off with more excercise and healthier foods, and - Something 'scary'-  loosing some weight. All off those basic things might also help me to feel more energetic, and to do all off this instead off gulpin in A lot off coffee sometimes to feel less exhausted, (Which I sometimes do) could even lengthen my life expand. Well, who knows that might happen. I wish to grow about 92 years old in this life (In good health.) So, let's get onto this.

I have the mood to take on An excercise routine, A small one, to start with simply on Friday morning only for now on and somehow I decided I realy will be onto it. Starting tomorrow. I got enlowered on some heavy med which are known for making you drowsy all day, but now it's enlowered A lot, the tired feeling is still there, let's see what A more healthy and lightly more active lifestyle could bring me.

Thank you for reading,

XXX.- Maaike

P.S: I believe I'm about 180 killograms overweight. 

A calm day at work yesterday.

Yesterday I had A bit off an off-day at work, I socialized A bit with people and had A few glasses off water, and nothing came out off my hands, unfortunately. The owl stuffed animal isn't finished to begin with, and I felt no energy to do something. I'm glad it's not an official job for A serious employer, otherwise I would have been fired probably about A lot off times for just hanging around and socialize and just have coffee. (I'm employed at an Upcycling shop in the city off Zaandam, and it's A work place especially for mentally sick / unstable people like me.)

I like how everyone loves me, though. That has been diffrent once, but I've changed and now I'm quite sociable. And how they're very easygoing when it comes to what I make for them. I'm hired to make jewelry, and luckily there's still A rack full off it at the moment in our shop window. I guess I can afford to just hang around, have coffee and socialize A bit with everyone. At times it sells better, at times it doesn't seem to sell at all.

The uppcycling runs A bit of people's charity gifts. We have A lot off free stock we got from nice people who have donated all off that to us. Yesterday, someone came in with A lot off cooking supplies, including some cute cookbooks with A few nice and easy receipes. I took A look in all four off them, and then decided on making my co-workers some easy to make vanilla cupcakes with some easy decorating next week. As you might know, I love to bake and I'm quite good at it. It's not hard for me to do so, and I know everyone will probably like it, I promised to do so next monday to my boss, and I promised to finish the owl next week. (Unfortunately, it wasn't A strong enough goal in my mind to go out to finish the owl's bottom yesterday. But still, I was at my job.)

So, I have some ideas about what to do next week if I'm stable enough to do so. A care taker told me I looked A bit more nervous, and what she told seemed to shock me A bit, that it was as if I looked A bit more unstable at the moment. I hadn't mentioned that myself, I felt as if I was doing actually better at this period. I started to overthink and I began to realize she could be right. I have some issues going on at the moment, though I'm on it with my back support off care-takers. And so to say, sometimes I mention I still day-dream A bit off 'Lars.'  which sometimes still pops up and makes me absent-minded and giggly on A teenage girl's level at times, though I know I better keep him off my mind most off the time. If I calmly sit somewhere, it sometimes comes up and makes my mind A mess. I wonder where that desire to be with him still comes from. I often feel like I can take on the world, but sometimes the world gets the best off me without me even knowing. I should talk about it with my therapist, though... All I know, throughout most scary delusions, is that wanting to be with him is always there, and it's the most true feeling I can defy in this mess. I know it's better NOT to be with someone at all, unfortunately, I would have given him the world so to say, if I could. But I'm not capable to keep A hold on myself at the moment. I'm not in love with him anymore...? No, I'm afraid I still am, but it's become A burden. And it's on A track where it's not really A good, healthy thing anymore, I'm sorry, 'Lars.'

Though, going on with life... I wish my mind could have some fresh air to release some tensions sometimes.

Allright, it's time for A nice bowl off zuchinni soup for now. 😋










 

A pot off fresh Zuchinni / Courgette soup, Good morning at the 16th off May, 2019.

Good morning everyone.


I decided on today to finally prepare the zuchinni soup (I wrote courgette at first, but it's Zuchinni nowadays.) and it's perfectly done now. It's pretty early in the morning, still I liked making it. I love to cook as you all might know. It's A very easy receipe.

2 zuchinni's,
2 large onions,
1 large floury potato
1 clove off garlic
A squeeze off sunseed oil
2 broth cubes
pepper and salt to season

Good for about half A liter or 0.13 or so gallons off soup. (It's quite an amount off soup, for about 5 bowls)

remove the ends from the zuchinni's, cut in small slices, clean your onions and cut in small slices aswell, peel the potato and cut in small slices. Prepare your clove off garlic (Remove the white centre off it) and cut in pieces.

fry everything alltogheter in A frying pan in the sunseed oil, I often use A lot off oil, not only on the bottom off the pot, but over my vegetables aswell, to fasten the process. Adjust salt and preferably white pepper (White pepper tastes A bit warmer / spicier  than the international more common used black pepper. It's the most used pepper in the Dutch kitchen, while most countries prefer black pepper.) It's good if everything has shrunken, then it's ready to boil for about five minutes  in A boiling pot. place it under water and adjust the broth cubes. Let it boil. If the vegetables look soft and the broth cubes are incorporated, it's ready to be pureed with A hand blender (That's the word google translate gave for 'staafmixer.' ) in their pot. Make sure everything is smoothly pureed. let it boil for about five more minutes, and taste if it needs some extra salt or pepper.

You can also use culiflower, brocoli or bell peppers instead off zuchinni's and you can adjust A pray (The vegetable) and / or red onion and / or some sjalottes to your soup. And it's nice with some french bread with A garlic spread off your choice. This is my very easy, most used, go to receipe for soup.

I've tasted it, it was yummy and it will be used for A few lunches during this week.

*** 



  

Mother's day

Good afternoon everyone out there,

I have A bit off A stupid sunburn from sunbathing and relaxing in my mom's backyard,
Mother's day this year is going suprisingly well. I get along perfectly and I'm not in hypermode and getting an attack because off being here, like often.

I gave her A lovely pink and purple flower bouquet which she loves, and we'll be having chinese food with everyone within about half an hour or so.

I decided to get my ass out off the sun and get in to be A little active on my blog.  It's itchy and hurtfull, and luckily I have aftersun and A cool shower at home, so I'll have to go treat that first after I got home. 😅😖

I couldn't get myself to prepare the soup yesterday, I just felt too tired to do so. I just couldn't set myself to do it. (Oh, well, think positive: now I have some courgettes left for making A delicious quiche this week.)

Unfortunately, I have issues with the sun and summer, I burn too fast often. I believe I simply hate blazing summer. And pityfull, it's around the corner these months in all it's glory. Aside to that, I'm quite fat. So having to withstand tropical temperatures A few months A year is absolutely terrible. 

I feel glad things are going well today at my parental home. Usually, it's more difficult to be here and withstand it.

Something is turning the right way now in my mind. Finally.

  

Apple crumble cheesecake, and A nice afternoon with my friend and some neighbours.

It came out very nice, though it's super sweet and It's best not to eat more than err... two slices? I prepared it A bit diffrent than the receipe, though it turned out nice. I'm going to share the other half off the baking pan. (Really, couldn't you get A hold off yourself?) with people at de Boed on monday morning. I hope they'll love it.

It came out A bit messy out off the pan, unfortunately, I didn't grease it, I just used baking parchment. though it was nice to eat. I believe I should have adjusted A pinch off salt somewhere in either the bottom or the crumble at the top, so it wouldn't have been as overly sweet as how it turned out. Still, it's not bad.

I had A nice conversation with my friend, and after A while we went out because I wanted to show her 'de Boed.' But we came across some off my neighbours and we ended talking with them on A garden bench, enjoying company and chatting along accompanied by A cute dark grey and white tom-cat who passed us by, and who craved for being petted and our attention. I love cats, and I loved being outside and having nice conversations more than I thought I would at first. (I refused my friend's offer to go out at first.) The sun felt nice and warm on my skin, and before we knew it, we had A tiny group off people chatting along at our spot, untill my friend had to go home. I love these kind off things. My neighbourhood likes me. This afternoon was so nice. I feel like going outside more, and chit-chat with everyone A bit more now.

All there's left to do this evening is preparing soup and some grilled sandwiches, and then I'd call it A day.

I hope you enjoyed reading my blog.

XXX.-
Maaike. 



  

Good morning at the 11th off May, 2019.

This morning is for baking.

I decided on making that applecrumble cheesecake (which I found A receipe for on pinterest) for A guest comming over for coffee, I have been buisy all morning with preparing. it's quite A large one. I hope it will succeed nicely. It smells good so far. 

I mixed the layer off apples A bit with the upper crumble layer. I wonder if it still comes out well,
I decided on making applecrumble cheesecake since it's to be served with caramel sauce according to the receipe, and I have quite some left from previous week, which can't be storred for A long time so I decided on making something on which I could use it.

We'll have it with A large mug off coffee when she arrives. I will have some slices off it this weekend, (I'm not intending to eat all off it, that would be way too much for me.) and then donate some to 'de Boed' on monday, I hope people love it. That's mainly what I'm up to at this moment.

Edit: it came out nicely out off the oven, I have to wait half an hour untill I can finish it off with my self-made caramel sauce, and then let it set in the refridgirator for at least an hour. I think I'll upload A picture off A slice on one off my cute pastel pink pastry plates once it's all done, and I think it's ready to show to the world. 💖 Luckily, my bakings often come out picture worthy. 

I love being buisy with prepairing all kinds off good foods and taking pictures off it. It's now cooling off on my dining table, and I hope to show it when it's ready.

XXX-
Maaike. 

Good morning at the 9th off May, 2019.

This weekend, I decided, will be for applecrumble cheesecake. I found A nice receipe on Pinterest, and since I will have A guest over for coffee the upcomming saturday, I found that would be A good idea. I'm going to make it on friday, so it will have time in my refridgerator to become perfect.

I have attacks haunting me all the time these days, and I feel somewhat wobbly because off it. I have planned quite some (baking) projects, I hope I won't die before I've finished all off them. 😉

I've also decided to try out my new grill this saturday, and simply make some simple ham and cheese grilled sandwiches and my 'famous' courgette soup which never fails. A simple receipe which has become A classic among my receipes. All I've got to do now, is get on the bus and get that grill and take it home with me today. And do some grocery shopping after coffee time at the Upcycling, situated neer the Amberwood (Translation for Amberhout) office.

I hope they'll serve the finished millionaire's shortbread when I attempt there for coffee.

That's it for today, I hope you enjoyed reading my weblog.

XXX.-
Maaike

An owl, Millionaire's shortbread and A wrong delivery

I almost finished my entire owl, it's very cute, but somehow I believe I could have done better.

It's A bit messy looking, yet my boss told me it was allright.

At first, (I had A little fight with sewing the eyes on neatly) it looked kinda cute like this:

But when I had sewn the front and backpiece alltogheter, it looked like this: 

I have to sew it's bottom alltogheter with A blanket stitch, and then it's finished. It's almost sewn togheter and stuffed. It's just that I think it came out ugly and out off proportion somehow. I decided to call it A day and leave sewing the bottom alltogheter for my next shift at the Upcycling, which forces me to have something to look forward to and A reason to go next week. 

Though I'll probably be there tomorrow allready... I'm A bit off A clutz, but that comes in quite handy, because someone decided to make millionaire's shortbread (A favourite sweet treat off mine) today, which I can taste tomorrow. I looked forward to tasting it this afternoon, but it wasn't finished before my shift was over, and the (Sorry to say, lunatic off A) maker to it simply went off for that afternoon. If I return tomorrow, because off something stupid I did, I hope they'll let me taste some off it at coffee time. 

I had ordered something at Bol.com and I have it deliverd now at the Amberwood office, because accidentally it got send to my old adress. I ordered A sandwich grill, (Tosti ijzer) also suitable for meat. At times I'm this 'brilliant...' I can't help it, such accidents are quite typicall for me at times. But they often sound very funny to share with people.  

I can't finish the owl tomorrow, because I think I'm not allowed to do so when it's not my workshift. 

I wonder what the millionaire's shortbread tastes like, and I've got A reason to go out again tomorrow.     

This is my day so far, I hope you enjoyed reading my blog. 

XXX.- Maaike. 

Good morning at the 8th off May, 2019

Today is for going to my Upcycling job, wich is almost on A volunteer base. It's only two afternoons A week. But I love it and it's A job I can do with my little ratio off what I can mentally handle.

Yesterday evening I made that wonderfull pasta carbonara oven dish, and I love photographing my food, since I'm A pretty good cook. Unfortunately, I was out off spaghetti, so I made it A mix with macaroni and fusili which I had left in my cupboard, and sure it was tasty. I had myself two large plates off it. And I've got some off it left for this week.

At the Upcycling, I'm making an owl stuffed animal out off pieces off left over fabric people have donated to us. I have no pictures yet, but it's such A cute owl. I had an attack yesterday, but fought myself through it - just thinking about that cute unfinished owl that needs me to bring it to life by sewing it's details on, and preparing it ready for stuffing it with the filling off an old pillow  somehow.- and I think it worked. I'm more calm this morning and ready to take on that task today. (I got over my main depression from previous winter, but I'm unfortunately still A psychiatric patient, I fear that will never leave me. But I got over with attacks more easily in this new home.)

Allright, this is it for this morning, I have to was up my dishes and I'm off to the Upcycling shop within half an hour.

Thank you for reading!

XXX.-
Maaike. 

I got over with 'Lars.' - I guess it was just crazy.

I feel it's over. It felt so nice, it was the best feeling in years, but I think it was just about the delusional image off 'Lars.' my mind made up in the delusions about him. I don't even know the name off the actuall guy. I think it's best to leave him alone and not bother him with this.

I wish I could get A hang on my delusions and find out where they come from and see how my brain comes up with that weird stuff. I don't see how I could pluck A stranger from the streets somehow and feel the entire cold winter like I wish to cuddle up and wake up in his manly arms in the morning. I consider myself wise enough to be confused about this strange issue. It was so nice, and that's probably why I didn't want to get over with it. Though I think 'Lars.' is taken. It was something strong enough to take note about on the internet, who knows 'Lars.' reads this, watches my video's on YT and who knows, might have gotten in contact with me if I did that? But that didn't happen. The strong feeling has faded, and I have myself in controll now, though it feels somewhat sore in my mind to think about him now. It was confusing, and I ended up with empty hands and I -probably- made A bit off A fool out off myself by making such noise about him online. Maybe it's best that he didn't contact me. though it would have been nice in those months. I guess it had something to do with my high medicine intake even. I feel sorry for 'Lars.' if I have offended him.

I'm A bit back on (My quick-witted) track, though I have to slow down and take it easy with life. I have less energy and I can handle less than before I had my medicall enlowerment. Though I feel less misserable and paralyzed / confused than the entire previous year so it seems. 

I'm sorry, 'Lars.' I didn't mean to interrupt you and seem odd.

About a Syrup waffle cake, sunflowers and life. Good morning on the 7th off May, 2019

Some highlights off this week so far: 

Somehow, life is getting by nicely. The end off the storm, the beginning off the nice, day-to-day mundaine.

I feel much more at ease in my new home. I made A syrup waffle cake previous sunday,  (Which I shared at 'de Boed.' People loved it and it got appreciated. Which is always good to hear. I love people's appreciation. Sometimes, that's perfectly allowed.) and I bought myself sunflowers yesterday, which look uplifting on my second hand dining table. I love looking at them as they pick me up. I love yellow flowers.

All that will happen this evening is making A pasta (Spaghetti) carbonara dish with extra chicken and A light bake in the oven with some cheese on top. No loud neighbours, and no frights off scary criminal people anymore. I like life that way. My depression is as good as gone now, and I feel relieved.

I have plans to purchase about 4 new dining table chairs this year, which I have to safe up to, and I look forward to my vacation in September. There's nothing more 'frightfull' to life than that. It feels so nice this way if you're used to too much drama and despair. I finally feel at home in my house after having to get used to it, (It worked out well, luckily) and I'm getting by much better. I like drinking coffee with neighbours at 'de Boed.' from time to time, I love my Upcycling job, and I enjoy my hobbies. Sometimes, life is as perfectly easy as this. 😉

I hope you enjoyed reading my blog!

XXX.-
Maaike.

  

To have done today...

I love my job, I have made some cookies today, which was my creative adjustment to the Upcycling shop for today, people love them, It was quite some easy receipe, but Made with good care and baking- love, and that usually does it. 😉 I made quite A lot, more than 40 or so, (Like the receipe from the Blue Band site required, 1. I made about fourty, simply sticking them out with the top off A long drink glas, but I didn't overly decorate them. 2. I made it A little diffrent than stated for sand-cookies on the site, and people tell me it tastes like 'spritsen.' (Fancy Shortbread I believe in English.) ) I love baking, it's my main hobby and the replacement care-taker who helped me, said I 'shine.' when I'm buisy with food in the Leviaan Upcycling kitchen, I don't want to come off un-emancipated, but good quality baking totally is 'my thing.' (If done so volunteerly, and out off satisfaction for oneself, out off A hobby motive, I don't believe good quality cooking is un-emancipated. But I also don't believe 'homemade applepie.' Is some signature thing for right-winged Americans. In the Netherlands, it's A perfect birthright for everyone to be capable to make perfect applepie. But I actually would like to keep politics out off the kitchen. It's A pity for your with love- made food if you'd spoil it with that.) 

So to say, I think about making these next time with some Icing, and I believe their round shape simply screams at me: 'Make emoticons out off us!!!!.' But then I have to practice A solid hand in decorating bakings first. 😅 I fail at food decorating, I'm perfect with flavouring everything, but I lack A solid hand for frosting, icing and cupcake-decorating. (I hope I'll manage to do so perfectly one day.) Allright, I have pictures off my cookies: 

Thank you for reading! 

XXX.- 

Maaike 

This evening is for A big stack off fresh made pancakes

Really, I am responsible for what I put in my mouth, it doesn't make sense to blame Vana for what -I- eat. You can't blame anyone else for that. They're still noisy in my mind, though, while in real life all off them mainly ignore me. But in my mind I'm often like: 'Can't you keep quiet for once?' - But in real life, they always are, there is no one to return my anger and yell at. it doesn't take away the mental delusions and the 'voices.' though. People are responsible for their own deeds. No matter what. 

I made A stack off big, fluffy pancakes for this evening, I decided to start watching my meals to loose weight as soon as next week, though. I couldn't resist this evening to make pancakes.

A neat and tasty stack off large Dutch pancakes (I missed the honey through my batter, though. I sometimes make pancakes with A bit off honey through the batter. I just hadn't had any left on stock.) 

And the first one covered in sugar syrup on my plate, with A glass off raspberry lemonade. It baked well, but I think I'm spoiled A bit when it's about foods, or just ate them while I felt A bit cranky. they wheren't tasteless, I just found I could have done better on these, though. Still I have pancakes left for tomorrow morning, I wonder if I find them tasting better tomorrow. (In the Netherlands, large pancakes go as dinner sometimes.) I still enjoy making pancakes, though. Life is sometimes as easy as enjoying baking pancakes on A friday evening. 

To wish to buy new dining plates and such.

I'm about to buy new plates, pink and soft green, because I don't have enough plates and I feel like having an appropriate set off cute dinner and breakfast plates. I need to have enough for if A large group off people, comes over here to eat with me. It's just that I don't really poses the right amount off plates for that. But why not bothering to post that here online, while I would be likely to shamelessly tell everyone most things? Really, isn't there anything sacred when it comes to this?

But- what if A dark magician would get the idea to get the plates I wish to buy -all sold out for some stupid reason? - To nag me. Or actually, to get me really angry. I wouldn't really take it well if someone would bully me with it.

I have no idea why I can't bring up the guts to post that on this blog. But here I have A blog post, about wishing to buy A new set off dining plates, and A set off soft green breakfast plates. And they sell those 'Konya.' plates in A soft shade off purple aswell. And they sell bowls from that range...

But... why would anyone actually dismiss me to buy - dinner and breakfast plates, and soft pastel shaded bowls, one set at a time on my budget, and try to withhold me from serving people food on plates I only own two large pink dinner plates off? I need them, I'm going to order them on monday, when my low amount off week money got deposited.

(Plates = Borden.) 

Good morning at the 1st off February, 2019

Good morning,

*

It has been snowing in the Netherlands, I have no work shift, and I think I'll stay in all day this day. My light depression sometimes seems to get the best off me again. I did some wash up today, and as you might know, to share what I'm planning to do with the audience helps at times. 

I hope there are no people watching who are up to evil or who wish to do me harm, comming to think off it. My grandmother is about to celebrate her 85th birthday this sunday. She's such an old fashioned sweetheart. But I think I'll skip that, because off my fear off slipping and breaking a limb in this snow. I rather stay in this weekend, and keep it comfortably. Perhaps I might even finish A novell I have been reading now and then. I'm getting sane in my head again. Was that delusion about A crush nothing but that- A delusion? I wonder. I hope I'll manage to keep it going in my life now. I bet he hasn't even noticed to have been on my social network sites for about two weeks now. But aside to that- my life is important, to stay sane is more important, and to take on every day life makes me A sane person again, with tasks and A road to follow to calmness. Which is almost sacred to me. There are people who follow this road their entire life, and never fall in love. I envy those. acting Acoy to people interested in me, is MY way off not having to get in trouble with this- what makes even me the most sensitive, A crush, no matter how vague that crush feels. I'm not the one to step over things easily, I think off those who demand so as utmost bitches themselves. 'No, I'm not done with it. You better respect my sensitivity, you FEECH.' I tell them, frowning down upon most off that 'Tuig.' Who themselves can litterally take nothing, but who preach all the time about how others are supposed to act and feel. And I'm sure I have survived A dose off that myself. I'm glad I'm close to over with that last step - A crush- On someone from their social circles, and being capable to go on. I guess for my safety, I better shut this blog off, but I also find their threatening towards me A crime on it's own.

I suppose it's not easy for jealouse Natasja that Mark has A crush on me. And that's still the conclusion to what I suspect to be the actuall reason for my ban. She can't take me, perhaps she should do something abouth her salt intake. But I bet that won't reduce the sour acid in her- and their evil system. 

'Can you imagine how - Sour- those people actually act? These muffs allow themselves nothing, but step on me all the time with their rigid jealousy. If that's how they like it- chapeau, but it's not my fault, that nonsense is what they've choosen themselves on how to take on it. A limb off salt, or what I reccomend- Sugar, that stuff reduces the sour, well, all off that might help.' 

But the acid sour feech queen stays on her position. And likes to jealouse tore my emotional heart out. 

And I'm serious with that. (Weet je wat hier aan scheelt? Ze worden te weinig tegengesproken waardoor ze het arrogant te hoog in de bol hebben, en niemand die ermee omgaat, durft er wat aan te doen. Dat betekent niet automatisch dat IK het altijd gedaan heb. Geen punt van discussie 😝 ) Well, stay on being sour and jealouse Natasja, You still can't tip my lemon owl-cakes with that attitude, but I'll keep on going with real life. 

**

Allright, what's there to do today? The kitchen is somewhat cleaner, I'm about to order A range off new plates, both for breakfast and dinner, I feel like making Custad-cakes, and like making hot chocolate, I suppose I have to get out to buy milk this weekend. And then, taking on it super lazy and easy. It's as if 'Shoot.' Something got off, and I'm capable to think clear again, though the sore off this really- over my mind and heart- crush, will be around quite some time. And no- I'm not going to sing with A guitar in Leiden to 'get the guy.' I'm glad I'm over with it- almost, and that I can focus myself again on life. It probably would have gotten in the way off day to day duties. But as long as it took, it was really A nice feeling like I was in heaven. While he wasn't even near, just imagination, but- so nice. 

I have the feeling to see my amount off milk, and go to make that custard cake 😉 

I hope to see you all back soon 

XXX.- 

Maaike. 

Good afternoon at the 31th off January, 2019

Good afternoon,

It's about time to have my lunch, I just bought chicken pastries at the local market and the timer to the oven goes off.

-A little blog with every day talk. And about my hometown.-

----------------------------------------

I just had my lunch

I bought these at the poultry stand at the local market, while getting myself A few fresh chicken leggs for the chicken soup I'm wishing to prepare this week.

I believe it's day three, I've had my scrumptious lunch- and to diet in this freezing cold is A bit too hard for me. I'm going to nail this, it's just that our country goes through A period off extreme cold, and that I can't withstand to eat heathier, yet fat foods- potatoes swimming in their gravy, hot chocolate, and A lunch like this. I know I could do better, but then I'd better be around in the house all the time without having to move outside.

I've swimmed A few laps today, and had to return by myself to my home, because the care-taker that usually goes with, had A Leviaan meeting. I'm glad I ate A nut and grain bar and had that cup off hot chocolate that was already screaming at me while I was at the swimming pool. Otherwise I wouldn't have made it well to home. Station Zaanse Schans has one off the best coffee and hot chocolate encounters in this country, I dare say. It also has those wonderfull big blocks off handmade Zaanse chocolate, and they have an encounter at the Zaanse Tourist centre. Really, how am I going to loose weight in A city where most women are somewhat fat, (I believe most off us are more fat than in other places in the Netherlands.) And A bit ungroomed (Which I actually like, because I relate to most people very well.) and which smells like chocolate, because this city where I live, is where Dutch processed cocoa comes from, worldwide known as the best? At times, the entire city and it's surrounding villages smell like cocoa. I love that smell. I'm perfectly accepted and they like me in this city, opposite to where I used to live. Most People from around the river Zaan 'Zaankanters.' Love the smell, while outsiders think it can be A bit heavy. Me loving the smell, means I'm perfectly naturalized and established in this wonderfull city, where people might sound direct, but where everything is at least- as honest as it's said, and I love that. We might be direct, but everyone always got perfectly accepted for who they are. And that's what it's about to me.

Foreign people (We have an entire lot off tourists here.) might get the impression that all Dutch people are rude, since this is close to Amsterdam, and it's where the idea off cloggs and green wooden houses and windmills in foreign places come from, as being our traditional heritage. But Dutch people aren't meaning to be rude- I might have said it A thousand times before, we are just blunt and very honest, but never truly mean to others. Zaankanters NEVER truly insult people. I have been in love with this city ever since 2014. It was A blessing to have ended up here among such understanding and nice people I could so- relate to, and who accepted fat, broken and 'ugly.' me, perfectly for who I was, and who actually told me I'm pretty and stylish and beautifull all the time. I love that. I have never truly felt home in Castricum and it's surrounding. I'm at my place here. 💖

Good morning, at the 30th off January, 2019

*

Good morning everyone.

I'm not feeling well again,

I started A good diet, I'm currently focusing on, It's only day three so far, I'm planning on to hold on to it, for three entire months. I'm pretty obese, and I'm getting over with A period off depression and heartbreak, which has been A thing, ever since two years. I feel well again, as if I'm ready for life again.

What also helps, was that my home situation got stabilized, and that I don't have to take part in group livings anymore (I live protected, for mentally sick people.) And that I feel better every day.

But- I haven't actually met my crush these weeks that I was onto it, and I feel like today the down feelings are getting me again, my kitchen is one big mess. I'm off to the Upcycling shop for today, and see what I can do with my creativity there. I believe, don't get shocked, that I got stuck in myself after ditching heavy feelings for someone and that I'm about to continue life, but that the depression bugs have bitten me in my neck again. That's how it always goes. Sometimes, 'feelings.' Are too good to be really true, and I'm over with Vana Events completely, I don't ever wish to go there, or to be seen there again. Choices, choices I have made, and I'll probably stick to.

I'm on my couch with the last mugg off green tea for this morning. I feel like I've challenged myself with the target 'Three months on A good diet.' and truly getting rid off being so obese. But- what's there for me in summer and spring, if all my life has always been A saddening thing?

I have put an outtake off this poem in A Wickerbeast burning some times ago. The gods reply me now, I can't be angry with them. I asked the gods for A love relationship, and A real one this time. I have been praying for love, almost this entire winter long, if I felt like having A wish for myself. This time, I really wish for A man with big strong arms and hands to hold me close. (Secretly, I do want that. Like most normal women.) It's just that I've been A psychiatric patient with A diagnosis ever since being only 19 years old. -Ik baal.-  I feel lousy about it. This time, I wish for it to happen for real, and I feel like there shouldn't be consequences I can't take with the love I'm seeking for. 'This time, I wish to make it happen.' 💖 

Because, to be comforted by real love- that is all I actually yearn for. For that one hero to safe me from feeling an outlaw in life my entire life.  💗 You can understand why I felt more glad with the Vana Wickerbeast 'The beloveds.' (2015 I think?) Which seemed to have had nothing mean to do with me. It's probably the only one I made A heartfelt and true sacrifice to.

The Poem, Madonna's take on 'Bittersweet.' By the ancient persian poet Rumi:

 In my hallucination

I saw my beloved's flower garden

In my vertigo, in my dizziness

In my drunken haze

Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel

I saw myself as the source of existence

I was there in the beginning

And I was the spirit of love

Now I am sober

There is only the hangover

And the memory of love

And only the sorrow

I yearn for happiness

I ask for help

I want mercy

And my love says:

Look at me and hear me

Because I am here

Just for that

I am your moon and your moonlight too

I am your flower garden and your water too

I have come all this way, eager for you

Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh

To kill all your worries

To love you

To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness

I will soothe you and heal you

I will bring you roses

Love Drunk (18+ poem)

I feel like- I want sexual tension with you
I feel like- I want you between my legs- Sorry, couldn't mention this more prude. 
I wake up from my haze,
I probably got drunk by licking his face-
I yell out off getting clear again: 
'Goddamnit, take this man back!' 
In my mind, I return to A shallow wreck.
Still, I still- wish to have these love-sick feelings again. 

But when, but how, but how can I seductively- 
Get myself love-drunk by licking the stain on your face, kiss your neck and be in your grace? 
-Hold me for A million years, 
Kiss away my pain and tears... 
Get me drunk again chasing you 
I guess, I know- I have no clue 
I think I'll have to face this cold world without you 
***
Am I clear? Or just- mad again. I feel like I'm only truly clear about being in love and lustual attraction with him at the moment. 

Because- I'm A bit in love with A man I don't know.

Contains adult stuff.

And really, I have no clue where to seek. I'm not familiair with the alternative population in and surrounding the city off Leiden, but- I fell, and ever since to have orgasmd over A guy, I- feel what women, according to the myth, usuall feel after that: A crush on their subject off fantasizing. Remember that tale about A black Stork and A white Raven I posted on my YouTube this summer? I guess that could be seen as A bit off A prelude. How in the world have I never mentioned you this way? And why am I always overthinking, and over-analyzing everything? Comming to the plain conclusion and feeling infatuated- that you are mainly very attractive and so sexy? I'm not lying, I have probably more space in my mind after I've cleared things up from other people. And the human mind works- odd. I guess mine more than common people. But- I see something in him. Sub-consiousness that talks, or- am I on the way to destruction with myself again? I wish, I wish I wass A mill, 'tis there I sit and wonder myself- 'till every stone in my mind is grit to sand, and I think I- finally understand but for common readers it's probably 'way to late, morron.'- And that's it. But I fell... and I'm blattering. I always do when I'm like this. Writing A lot to over-compensate for what's on my mind? I wouldn't feel ashamed with him as my love interest, or to be with him and walk beside him. I just want him.

I believe I happen to fall deeper and deeper everytime I think off him. Don't get shocked, it's an alternative guy with black hair and A big wine stain mark on his face, who I have just been infatuated about for- quite some time. I would quit all my fights with Vana, and write them A sincere appology, just to be capable to walk hand in hand with my main crush at the moment. I doubt anyone here (In my surrounding near by where I live.) would ever know this sensual and interesting man. Good grief, what am I on to?

I've drawn the two off us togheter, in festival clothing. 'Will you come to me mother's house when the moon is shining weary...'? Official this drawing is named 'WHERE is your common sense with this?' (Underwritten: 'In my pants, sir.' comming out off my mouth, I guess that makes ME the lusty scoundrelless here-) And it was taken with my laptop's camera. It's not the best version off what it could be. I hope he's not taken, I wonder who he is, and what his name is... wonder about the story? Read up on it on my deviantart:

My handsome raven prince from Leiden and me-

I fell, I didn't know I was actually capable to even be in love anymore, with all the dopamin and serotin, paracetamol, vitamin B complexes, and 'hormones.' from Birth controll floating around my system, and I'm even menstruating. Good heavens. Where did that crush even come from out off nowhere? I believe- this is how the world works. But I'd- love to even know his name and facebook profile, to see if I have mentioned his awesome attractiveness completely right, but I wouldn't contact him, because- I'm A disaster at FB, and I would like to- get the guy this time. I'm pretty serious I guess.

Good afternoon, at the 2nd off January, 2019

Good afternoon everyone.

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As for today, I've slept awfull last night, I don't feel at full energy, so I decided to call off the Upcycling, and prepare my ritual-ending cookies, with A hint off coffee, based on the 'Javaantjes.'  receipe, and the dough is getting solid in my refridgerator at the moment, while I feel like waking up for the entire day, I guess. 😋 It's going to give me A headache to cut out all 40 to 50 cookies I'm capable to get out off this dough, according to the receipe. I did some shopping this morning for ingredients for my cookies, and I believe that's about it for getting out off my appartment for today. I'm about to cut star, moon and round-shapes out off this dough. Three shapes, easier than to decide for about 40 to 50 diffrent shapes, which is fun, but which can unfortunately be a bit too much for my concentration system at the moment. I just hope I can stick to the 'only after spiritual rituals.' rule with these, otherwise I think about preparing two boxes, one for the ending off spiritual rituals, and one with cookies to snack on, and giving A good share off them to the Upcycling. (I think that won't truly be A hard challenge, with over 40 cookies out off this dough.) I think coffee with chocolate cookies are an excellent, delicious choice for the year to 'wake up a little.' (That's the thought behind preparing cookies with A coffee-taste.) I was about to make them yesterday, at the first off january, and I believe this ritual's ending will be A good choice, but I'm not someone who does rituals all the time, though I decided to be more accurate with the solistic celebrations and full moon rituals this year. I don't believe in over-spelling faith in life. Which has happened to me, and which has caused me too much drama and missery. (I'm aware off it.) 😓

I do, believe however, in supporting the cycli off the planet, and celebrating ancient rituals during the year round, for luck, insights and A good harvest. There is A saying which goes: 'Once A witch, always A witch.' And I'm one off the few people who has awakened inherrited gifts. (Sometimes I think off getting better skilled in true magic. which excists, but I'm also aware, that I can't go out asking just any teacher if they are willing to teach me in this. There are A lot off scam teachers in magic. At times like this, I believe the world misses A school in true magic, to teach gifted, born witches and to help them develop their skills. 😉 Something like hogwarts, but then for real people, would be ideal, I think an actuall magic school, however, won't be anything like the famous school from the Harry Potter books. True magic is A burden to bear, if you can do it. If it's too hard to handle, or awakened in yourself uncontrolled, it sucks to have this gift. (And I, unfortunately, know what I'm stating here.) I'm glad, however, that witches can freely live in this nation. As it's mainly ruled by high-educated atheïsts, who think you're just talking nonsense if you tell you are 'truly gifted.' With something that mainly excists in people's minds. I think I better stop about real magic for now. To get drained too deep in this subject, is pretty dangerous (for me) either. And I'm already running low on energy- I sleep awfull these nights. 

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I feel A lot off pressure, even in making appointments with no one but myself, about living more consequent and to have better meals, I'm not easy to raise neatly, not even for myself, and the pressure off anything (Even if it's fun.) Is so nerve-wrecking... I feel guilty about to have had breakfast with about 8 oliebollen, I ate with Agave syrup and cinnamon sugar (Since I'm out off powdred sugar.) and three big mugs off fresh coffee this morning. (Oliebollen / oilballs, are some sort off A round doughnut dutch people eat at new year's eve. It's everything but healthy. They're traditionally served with powdered sugar.) Everyone always has A lot off them left after new year's eve. I bought myself A bag for the occasion, which I warmed up in the oven only today. Well, at least I'm not starved for this morning, but- The perfectionist and the nerve wrecked weirdo in me don't approve off to have had such A breakfast. You know what, I'm going to get myself A healthy lunch with A side-salad off mixed vegetables. A few boiled eggs, brown buns and fresh ham. That's not so bad. And I'll be thankfull to myself. I feel my head is bouncing and causing me headaches, it tolls and goes round and round and -hurts- all the time, from new year's eve, and visiting my mom yesterday. New year's eve was too much off A trigger this painfull year. To be honest, I would barely be supprised if I end up with a delusional episode the upcomming months, as the entire year has been awfull, stressfull and mentally nerve-wrecking. It wasn't my best year. I'm glad it's truly done, however. I decided to be A good person again for this year, 2019, last off the '10's.' decade. (Which has been quite damaging to everything in my life. The style-period was beautifull, but- everything that has happened to me, was horrendous, painfull, and has done damage to my mental systems, you wouldn't do to your worst enemie- if you are A bit off A well-thinking, sane person, however.) I believe I'd beat the system, in not paying for their set up crisis in Europe, but- It's for me about time not to let the system beat me, and get A bit back in the working-day life. For my own personal calmth. (I know it's better for me that way.)     

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chit-chatting this blog full with interesting talk is fun, and telling you all about life is either. I believe I did well, to remove my blog about imaginatoiry mister 'Nuts.' today, as having someone in your mind is not dangerous, but to state it online somewhere and people making fun off you about it, however, is. I'd be glad if I can make it alive to school this upcomming March, and get A certificate in A basic course for book-keeping. I'm aware that this may not sound like A lot, but I- believe I have A bit more to keep on to, than if I wouldn't do it.

I'm about to make A belated lunch. 

I hope to see you all back soon. 

XXX.- 

Maaike.  

Good afternoon at the 1st off January, 2019

Good afternoon everyone. Happy new Year.

*

At times, I feel like deleting my entire blog at once, and then to re-start the thing, after I feel like writing again. I'm at my mother's home, to congrats my family with the new year, as that is A little tradition in this country, at least with my family. I don't know if it's something everywhere. 

I didn't have the best off A new year's eve yesterday, first I felt like making mini-pizza-bites, and stuffed apples with cake and A crumble topping as I've seen on Tasty, I had done all the grocery shopping, but looking back on it, my energy drained and I didn't feel like making those yesterday at all, I just had A jar off banana-caramel ice-cream, with caramel sauce and some ice cream waffles for A snack, after my sober meal. I was all by myself, and it just didn't feel- allright with me. I believe the fire works even triggered me somewhat. I rather felt like snoozing on my bed A bit after taking my meds, I had set my alarm for 23:00 yesterday, but I could barely stay awake, so I decided to go as soon back to bed as the fireworks where done. (I have no clue why I couldn't set myself to just giving myself A good time and just celebrate new years eve. I guess it was because I didn't like being all alone that evening.) I got up in time this morning, and decided to go to mom's after taking my morning medication, and getting myself dressed. I had such A haze the previous weeks- in immense desire for A boyfriend. But I think staying single is A better option, given the mental episodes I aolso had yesterday evening. New year's eve was A nasty trigger yesterday. I have voices and projections off nice men comming out off my appartment walls all the time now. I desire to have someone, but I also see how my delusions and my disease can get in the way off A relationship. - You know, I guess I actually DO need someone in my life. It's just that I don't often meet great man for that. It was nothing sexual this time, it was purely- the loss and the triggers that come for me with being on my own for too long. I need company, it's just that- life is not fair if you are truly fair. And that's where I stick with this for now. 

I can make the planned bites any evening I wish to have them. cake- stuffed caramel apples are often A good dessert. I'm also about to make cookies for this new year's spiritual ritual endings, and I do so on my own intuïtion, with my own idea off what's fine with that. I had the idea to make cookies today, at the 1st off january, at the pinch point beginning off the new year, but then realized this day would be better spent with family. The cookies I'm about to make come from A cookbook I ordered previous week 'de koekjesbijbel.' And are traditionally named 'Javaantjes.' ('Javanese.') And have A coffee taste with them, I decided to give it my own little twist with the receipe, and cover the bottom off each cookie with chocolate. Many receipes from that book serve at least 40 cookies. It's A well known line off receipe cookbooks ( Translated that book is called 'The cookies-bible.') With A ton off cookie receipes. I like it. If my camera's battery-recharger keeps on being lost, I'm about to buy A new one, if it doesn't show up in my appartment, it's been lost for about A month by now, and I think that sucks because I love to share what I make with people online, and for the great audience on my internet pages to see. Alltough I don't like the idea to be plucked off my ideas by some nasty vultures. I'm about to fight that out later on. But let's start the first blog off this new year A bit more- relaxed. 

**

Did you know that the planet Uranus has switched positions, from the starsign Aries to the Taurus starsign this year, and that this often means new ideas, new political changes, and often has an impact on our society? I sense it might be A good thing. For me personal, I get the feeling 'sense.' To truly improve my lifestyle, to eat more healthy foods, to experiment more with healthy receipes, to eat more regulated, and start more off A structurated life. I think this is going to help me with the very basics off A responsible, good life- like eating well, sleeping well, and get better groomed- Tauruses are the main starsign which rules these kind off things, and it loves structurated life. which I seem to lack, despite my wish to do my utmost best in life all the time. (But which i'm often not really capable to.)  

 The last 'Uranus in Taurus.' Transit, was in the deep black period off WWII, but I 'sense' the Bull is very ashamed off that period, and wishes to make A better point off itself. Taurus people often aren't very war- and truly agression driven. It rather wishes to make improvements on the good stuff in life for now, and I have the idea that people should give it A fair chance to do so. It has my support to prove itself well now, and for example improve agriculture and financial basics in life. (I'd be glad if my prediction for it would be accurate for once. But what I state here, is what basic astrology tells about this planet's transition in this starsign and what belongs to it. I'm not sucking it out off my thumb.)

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Allright, this is it for now, hopefully I'll see you back soon. 

XXX.-

Maaike.