Good evening at the 27th off May, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

This afternoon was sunny. Almost a bit too sharp for me. 

*

I don't feel well, the kitchen is a mess and I've eaten peanutbutter-honey sandwiches for dinner. I decided to spend my evening in bed. I'm too lame for something else. 

I'm not doing well. All the war-stress kinda shows through and messes me up. Though I'm safe and sane on a distance from the front, it still stresses me out. I even see skeletons for visions. Scary, ghost-like skeletons. It's frightfull. It must have some meaning, and my visions get more blurry by day. It's off and it doesn't do well for my well-being. I feel bad. I spoke it through with psychiatric aid. Like those relational delusions, it's getting too much and it's nasty at the moment. 

I can't speak off a bright future so far. I can't see it well. It's messing with me. It's not my visions, but my delusions that take the best off me at the moment. And skeletons this scary are not usuall. Being stressed this much is not usuall. 

I think I'm too lame for a tradwife, otherwise I would have cleaned the kitchen and prepared a meal, now I feel so nasty all the time. Such a refreshing conclusion. I'm not your wee pretty housewife, so it seems. I'm just a mad, messed up girl at the moment. The home is a mess, and I could be fed better. And my mind hurts. Maybe I should tell health care about the skeletons. I haven't told them so far. These really seemed scary and ghost-like. 

I believe I'm too soft for war-time visions. They are sooo terrible. I have seen two big scary skeletons so far this week. It's why it's so blurry, probably. Maybe I should not interfere with it, for my own sake. And what it shows... It's just too much. 😣  Really, mankind... 

Sometimes I'm into UFO's, but that's not easy either, wondering what planet I do come from, but psychiatric aid keeps me from over-thinking that. I have to distract myself to get back to the normal, they say. In every case. I fly away on UFO's with Edo as a voice over. The elder man I thought I was into. Untill it's all dry and the feeling is gone sometimes. I think it's sincere nonsense, just like the relational deluisions. I have to drag myself back to the here and now from psychiatric aid. It's all a bit too much at the moment. The UFO's and the skeletons are not real. I think I can tell you that. But it's hard and scary. What kind off discusion would Ed and I have, if I would try to talk this through with him? I think he would not accept, or take serious, and it's not helpfull. (Ed is not his real name.) I think it can be even dangerous. I'm gratefull I'm a psychiatric patient in health care without children, who can have a messy home and eat bread for dinner when it's too bad. No one truly suffers from it, but me. 

I wish I had a new chance, a better life, reincarnation from this, since this is just too shamefull to appear to god like this as 'the endgame.' for me. I'm no good. I try to be a good person, but I'm not good enough for myself. I have never done anything wrong in love or lust, and I haven't commited crimes. It's just that I could do so much better if I wasn't a psychiatric patient. And Ed is sweet and cool, but I'm trying to get over with him. I'm not going after him I decided. It's nice, safe and cool inside my own home. He's a lusty macho, with an interesting take on life, probably. But nothing more than that. It's impossible for the weak like me. Just like studying and a career. I feel too lame for it, and I 'sense.' it's better to stay out off his business. 

Though I can own a masterpiece nowadays. But it's something to show you later on. It's the Jubilee loaf pan by Nordic Ware. 💖 More expensive than an entire street off bricks, probably. It almost 'asks.' to be filled with chocolate cake. 💖 There's nothing more fancy in the whole wide world at this moment for me, I swear. I'm a crazy old spinster with a hobby. But at least I'm a wealthy crazy old spinster. I hope they won't come after me for the luxury it shines through. I'm not upperclass, but sometimes I think Top Class Nordic Ware is almost too much during these times. It arrived today. I probably will show you the results with it proudly on here. 💖 

Maybe I will clean the kitchen tomorrow, in an attempt to feel less lame. But I can't promise myself to keep to that, Empty thrash bins, do the dishes, clean the counter top, and then meal preparation tomorrow evening. Really, it's a blessing not even owning a dog to feed. That'd be just irresponsible. 

Best thing I did today was probably clipping and filing my nails to be tidy. Clean, tidy hands. And putting on skinny mascara and removing it from my lashes this evening. I was quite precise with it. Other than that, just coffee at de Boed's terrace for today's activity and calling psychiatric aid to inform them. I'm sooo stressed. It's a fashion trend to paint your nails red. To match the 'Everything red' - trend, According to several fashion magazines online like Vogue and Cosmopolitan. (Sometimes I google 'what's on trend.' 'What's in fashion spring/fall/summer/winter 2024 ' 'Trend colour summer 2024' ) I just didn't simply because most girls don't. I'm someone who adapts to fashion, and what she sees among others or out on the street. Most women here don't paint their nails. Just clip and file. But that's for Zaanstad, where most off us are poor. I still have nail polish in my drawer. I could paint them black, so to say, to adapt to the dark and dreary fashion trends for this summer. It's like they put winter trends in fashion in summer this year, to be appropriate for these dark and dreary times. It's depressing. I decided to mildly follow fashion some time ago. It's not too bad on me. Even a mud-fat plus size woman like me can do it. 😉 It's because fashion is easy nowadays. Or is it just me? But most off the time it's simple clothes I struggle to keep clean. I'm glad I can replace when something's got a stain. But following fashion is almost fun when it's simple. About 5 years ago, it was more difficult and pricey. 

It adds something to life to do so. It's less dull to follow fashion. It's cool to have statement hair and wear red lipstick. It doesn't do bad for me. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.