Authenticity.

 Good evening everyone, 

The storm still hasn't been, the evening ended nice and the clouds have almost faded. 

*

It's something to crave for- Authenticity. Be as real as possible and quit being fake and running after trends that don't suit you. Somehow I like to believe I'm authentic. Sizzling, true, bold and out off fashion but into my own style. I hate people who are pleasing their crowd or who come up with nonsense just to please a crowd, but it's something I sometimes envy. What if I would become producer to -let's say- an annoying song with easy lines and a great dancebeat and I would cash in massively on that? I have no producing machines or even a studio, but I'm sarcastically thinking I could become rich if I would produce nonsense for the main crowd. It's so stupid it's funny. 

Now back to myself. I prefer writing on an unread weblog a thousand times over opening the next weblog on style or make-up but staying true to myself. No matter what others think. I often have to say no if they wonder if I'm impressed or if their actions have an impact on me. I'm mainly indiffrent to most off it. I don't really keep up with trends but I love to decide for myself what's cool. 

Being real is cool. Some off the worst people who thought they where all 'cool.' where some off the fakest people I've ever met and they're not my kind off people. I prefer strolling over a market over walking down a shopping wallhalla splurging on things. Picking bargains and fresh fruit and veggies and smelling the real life atmosphere feels better. I don't look like a fashionable person either, but I don't mind being fat anymore. Life has been doing well for me lately and who cares? I love to come up with original stuff made by real people. Those are the best products and articles you can have. It's also a good way to grow old with, authenticity. I like to stay fresh and young but I'm not attached to desperately following trends so maturing should look good on me somehow. At least I don't look cheap. I believe in it. Or I like to believe in it. Style never goes out off fashion. I'm not someone who lives up to beauty standards but people often tell me I look good.  

Be brave, be honest- always do what's the most right. Do the right thing. 

Authenticity is something to crave for. Being yourself never grows old and people who validate life for what it truly is never grow poor. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Unworldly thoughts.

 Good evening, 

Today is typicall summer swamp weather. It's cloudy yet a bit warm. There has been no thunderstorm, unfortunately. I wouldn't have mind if there would have been. Thunderstorms are to my liking ATM. 

*

I believe there might be a planet with a medieval culture which can fly outer space ships. They're behind in culture, but somehow they can fly their people around. I suppose it's going to have a strange attraction on people once they open a café somewhere in London. I don't know why. Aliens might be around us, but we should be carefull because there are good and bad people in them. I would love the world to meet them, however. It would be cool to be confirmed in my theory that life comes from outer space. I even held on to that theory in psychiatric health care. It's not a mental problem, it's a strong belief outer space has something to do with it. But I'm not completely certain what exactly. 

Today was a good day to speak up about what I think and how I see certain things to people at de Boed. It felt good to share a piece off my mind. I told an older man that 'Just because he doesn't know about something, it doesn't mean it's a bad thing.' It felt good to say that. It was about a new kind off soup I'm going to bring to the table this wednesday. I'm certain people are going to like it, despite they might not be very known to it. Surinamian peanut soup. High in calories, great in taste. I'm going to add tauge and pineapple to it. I loved it back at my parental home. It was my late dad's favourite soup. My dad was a great cook and he taught me how to cook food perfectly. My dad used to work at a community centre in Amsterdam where a lot off cultures came togheter and he probably got the receipe from Surinamese people.  It's going to be the first time I'm about to try to make it myself. 

This weblog might appear like nonsense, and it might be strange, but it's excentric. Not psychotic today. I hope I can still tell the diffrence. I do believe in Alien mythology to a certain point, and Peanut soup is from Surinam, a former Dutch colony in Latin America. I can't tell this any more realistic than it should be. But it's not a bad blog. Creativity and weirdness sometimes hold on to each other. Walking the line in between is tricky at times. The world is a bit difficult at times, but it's up to us to not let ourselves being brought down by it. It's almost an art not to be. 

Today was for wearing flamboyant dresses, grocery shopping and coffee. I might not be the coolest person out there, but at least I'm not fake and always true to myself. Some people go far to please their audience. I don't. I believe in authenticity. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 28th off June, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is warm yet cloudy and it's said there will be another thunderstorm today. I wouldn't mind if that would happen. Let it storm! Summer this year in the Netherlands isn't sunny and hot, but I don't feel bad about it. I don't like it when it's too hot outside, that's due to being obese. 

*

Today I have to thank my ladybug-guardian angel Hector and I hope he isn't overworked, but I got off off the massive brainfog from working my way off off medication. He helps me off off physical issues, each time I post something about it on the internet. At least that's how it works. There is no one real in my life who looks or is only a bit like Hector the ladybug, so somehow I suppose he might be a secret fan on the internet with magical superpowers. I don't know how other than that he should know me. But maybe he's just an imaginairy friend who has found his way to reading my weblogs.  

The Netherlands has lost the first match in the knock out pool to the European Championship. I haven't seen the match but I've heard it. I think soccer is a bit over-appreciated. It's boring to look at. It's more fun to play, though. I like to play just a little soccer every now and then. I'm not a sports woman, but sportive playing for fun is- well, fun. 

I'm tired from grocery shopping. I didn't buy much- just what I needed for this week. I take more vitamin D each day but I'm still tired often. I have a feeling and a voice in me which tells me all the time I won't move out off the place I live in soon. It's going to be common to live here for a long time and it's allright with me as soon as the boredness fades and life becomes meaningfull and lively again, and after I got cured from all my trauma's and overcome self-destructive habbits. I don't know if that is possible, but I'm working on it- I need my time and space for it, so I'm not actively looking for a romantic partner. I don't have the ambition to be on to that since I have to heal first. I can't shove my trauma upon someone else's shoulder for now. Even the prince off Sweden or Norway has to wait if that ever happens. But I'm mainly joking about that. I'm likely to live here for a long while according to that guiding inner voice. 

It's a bit confusing, having both guiding voices and destructive voices which are not true. I should find a way to shape my life and fill it in with nice colours again to my liking. Life is too big and both long and short to live it dull. But that's easily said when I feel well. When I feel the opposite and feel depressed as a doorknob, I'm not likely to fill it in with bold colours but today was a good day for it. I'm wearing a stunning bold coloured dress, and I decided to groom my face again and do basic skincare again. Just like before I got so depressed. Life isn't easy when you have both sides in you, one lazy and easy with grooming and getting dressed- and one who loves to live bold and nicely and who likes creativity more than anything. It might be confusing for my audience- but I'm probably both a slunge and someone who loves to be lively and well dressed. 

Life can go on like this. I just have to find my way over mental walls and the hard feeling that comes with it, but something in me tells me 'I'm going to work on this and I will get over with it. That's why I have to deal with it now, finally there is a time and place to work on my inner world.' I honestly don't know how this is going from now and if it's going to be a hard proces- but I'm onto it and I wish to cure from it so I'll keep continueing with this, no matter if it's going to be hard. I have to work on this. 

I decided to allow myself some space for it. If I'm starting to live kept inside it's not going to bring me any further. If I hurry myself in it it's not going to work either. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good evening at the 27th off June, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's dark and stormy, it's raining cats and dogs and it's lightning and thunder outside. 

*

I probably can no longer hide it, but I'm working my way to less medicine. I'm proud I brought an entire Lorazepam back to a quarter but I have to get used to the feeling and working my way through the feeling off less medication- which is hard. It's a though feeling which is not necessairily painfull but I'd rather describe it as a head full off clouds barely allowing you to go further with life. I either have to get used to it, or get back to more medication. I hope for the first. But as it appears, I sense myself being a bit sensitive for what thoughts I have and how I vieuw things. It's a relief though to feel more freely and being capable to breathe again after to have been for about 4 years on this heavy medication. I have to work hard to get truly rid off it. 

Today I found a treasure at de Boed. A vintage late 70's book about coffee with about 50 nice receipes with coffee in them from around the world. And the kitchenware used is just perfect. It's old fashioned and it screams vintage all over it, but I love it. I love old books. I was given it for free today and I fell in love with it. It made my entire day. It's almost hard- living like that or giving up my emancipated freedom. I rather keep my modern emancipated freedom, but the old fashioned coffee pots and cups have me hooked up on it. Through a head full off clouds, I found the energy and the feeling to love it. 

I'm low on energy, I have to take more count off feelings and I have to be carefull. I can deal with it, I can handle it- Sometimes at night I have weird anxiety but I don't feel unstable by it. It's just nightly fears a lot off people might have. During day time I'm fine, but at night when I can't sleep- I think off the newspaper to post a few pictures off me and declaring me ugly and out off fashion. It was a serious fear. I saw the newspaper- there haven't been a nasty journalist writing about me at all. I'm writing this with a heavy head full off clouds. The weather somehow displays how I feel. I don't feel sad, just heavy in my head. The coffee book even has a receipe for spaghetti with coffee in the tomato sauce. Cooking brings endless posibillities sometimes, which I cheer for. Today was a day with struggles, but I felt positive. People should be told more often that life can be lived with hope. It's a good way to encourage them to see light in the darkness. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 26th off June, 2021.

 Good evening everyone. 

Today was cloudy yet warm. It's the perfect type off weather to notice this country is still a swamp with a lot off water running around us. I had predicting dreams telling me Noord-Holland, my area, will be drowned down in water and evade in 60 years. It will all happen at once while nobody expects it and I don't know if there is anything that can be done about it. I can tell you all, but what will come off that? If nobody does something about it, all areas where I've been raised and spend my life will be under water. I believe nobody will take this serious somehow, so let's go on to the main blog. 

Today we're off off the mouthmask plight. I have been wearing bright purple lipstick today to celebrate it. Off with those masks, and chances again to wear expressive lipsticks and glosses all the time. It motivates me to wear make-up. I like that. Life is too short to be dull. 

*

Life goes on, I decided myself to take more Vitamin D supplements and they work for me. I feel better by it and sunny somehow. It enhances my mood and I'm thankfull for that. Life goes on, the worst feeling off depression is fading. I feel, however, the need to be more in bed when the weather is gloomy but it's probably something to fight over in autumn. You already hear me writing blogs full off complaint about it probably. 

I've read in the newspaper companies are after a certain new found science to make people dream off their products. Ethics have come so far they can make you dream about their nonsense. Microsoft is one off the companies who wishes to use that. I believe it's a shame for companies to be so rude to wish to use people's dreams for their commerce. It's not right in my opinion to even want to do so. But it's probably a company's perverted dream to do so. 

I have a serious issue with face leakages underneath my skin, and I don't know what the source to it might be. I'm doomed. I hope I'm one off the lucky people to cure from it, but I feel I'm unfortunate with it. GP can't do anything about it and send me back to psychiatrics. It's a bad thing they don't have a medical instrument to look underneath people's skin very easily. I might be helped by such a machine. I hope it's not my mind playing tricks with me, but I hope it's not something real either. In that case I'm in serious trouble because they can't cure me off it either. Science is behind, or I'm mad. 

It's the end off June, but I'm listening at my favourite christmas song. Sleigh Ride by the Carpenters. I should keep it for December and January. (Even a few weeks after christmas when it's still cold and gloomy outside, the nice Christmas mood is used by me to keep on feeling positive. But it's the end off June- we have about another half a year before it's actually Christmas.) I'm not in the mood for christmas- just for that particulair song. 

I'm glad the world hasn't come to an end due to Corona. As far as it seems, we're brightening up but something in me says we should be carefull. I hope I'm not sensing it right, but I think we might even get a third wave of Corona waiting for the world. I hope the vaccins have done their work, but I'm weary. I'm just glad it's mainly taken off off our shoulders. Can we truly finally breathe?

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

On reading, writing and talking.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's still rainy and cloudy. It's a good day for green snails. I saw a lot off them on the pavement on my way to medication office this evening. 

*

While typing goes well, and writing articles online is not much off an issue, to talk and speak is becomming somewhat off a difficulty these days. It's as if it's hard to come up with the right words and sentences and sometimes my mind goes blank and leaves me speechless. 'Hungadungadungadung.' 'Say what?' It's kinda hard when you would like a day to day job with a serious boss and that comes out off your mouth. It's easy for me to think and write. At this point I'm at ease and thoughtpatterns are probably diffrent. But when I talk... 

I believe this is a sign off brain damage. It's a part off schizophrenia to talk weird and unlogic and sometimes come up with weird phrases or unadequate speech. I'm afraid that's with me at times too. The more I get to know myself in that way, the more I look at myself with pity. Self pity is not a good quality my dad always said. It prevents you from coping with life in a healthy way. I try to shake it off as good as possible, but somehow I look at myself as if I was a stranger stuck in bad chances and a disease she has been born with. It's not fair. Humming in public and loosing my words when I have to speak a long sentence make me look less intelligent than how I feel. I think that's a pity. Not being capable to speak and read appropriately annoys me somehow. I can read articles in the newspaper. I can follow the news, but an entire book is often too much. 

(I do read the news every often. Some people insist not to read stuff like 'Het Noord-Hollands Dagblad.' since it's mainstream media and it's opinionated, but I don't have issues with it. I prefer an opinion off my own, which means having to keep up mildly with the news.) It's all part off the problem I have. Lately I have read a well-written book which was easy to follow and it was a big book, but most off the time it's too hard for me to read. I have a lot off books which I have only read half and then put aside since following it became too much. 

Some books are written easier than other ones and are allright to follow. I don't hate to read, I just think it's a bit hard most off the time. I'm impossible for a fantasy geek. They are higher educated and reading a lot is the standard in those circles but I have to put that aside. I'm not high educated and I do hard on difficult texts. Somehow on the other hand I have the idea I connect more with the world around me than they do and I'm not as strange and otherworldly in connecting with those around me in the real world. Sometimes I see things a bit diffrent than both sides but I refuse to become truly weird. I rather have the feeling my mind balances everything out and feels what's both appropriate and true for me. In every field. It's a search but it does well on me. If only I could speak up to people in daily life about how I see things without getting to fight with them. Something in me wishes for a way to talk cool subjects over with everyday people and see how they think and feel about it without going all 'Hadungadungadungadung.' to them. 

Allright, that's about it. 

Thank you for reading.    

A Middle Eastern twist

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is cloudy and rainy, weather you'd associate with autumn. The type off 'You better invested in vests.'  weather. It's cold and gloomy. 

*

I turned out to have a hint off Middle Eastern roots from my mom's side off the family. They aren't close relatives but they are far away, somewhere a part off me and I think it's a cool thing. I often draw inspiration from the Middle East in my baking. It's not clear what country it's actually from but I understand now why we don't have trouble with muslims and even understand and try to understand them to a certain level while a lot off Dutch people look a bit down upon them or look strange on them and do hard with them being around. I would never become a muslim myself. I'm too free in spirit and mind but I feel fine with it. 

I'm born Dutch. Sometimes when people wonder about me not being completely white I thought it was a bit strange from them since I'm completely Dutch in my opinion but I have dark eyebrows and people where I live think I'm part Spanish sometimes. They even see that far away etnicity twist on me though it's just a tiny bit. I have green eyes, I'm a bit hairy and I have dark eyebrows and sharper facial features than most here. I believe this might be the answer to where my warm blooded nature comes from. And who knows what roots dad might have had. 

Mom turns out to have mainly English blood, and some Scandinavian blood. She's not Germanic. I think her roots are awesome. I'm part viking, part celt and a small part middle eastern. We have family trees that draw us back to the Netherlands for at least the 1600's and to Germany from about that time and before aswell. But the cycle will end in me. I decided that since I'm not healthy and wealthy enough for my own offspring. Still I feel delighted to have found out since it's cool family roots. She has a big family and one off my cousins from mom's side does have children. I think I don't have to feel guilty about not passing our genes. I'm sorry to say. 

The middle east is a great inspiration for style and baking. The old culture I mean. It's beautifull and mesmerizing dreamy. And somehow a feeling and maybe the reason why I would have loved to use a serious study to cause peace in the Middle East and end wars if I would have had the chances. But I'm stuck in my flat, just imagining how to overcome a period off rain and cloudyness and trying not to get depressed by an overdose off it. I can't stand the sun, I can't stand the rain. Vitamin D seems to work on me so far. My main concern is the weather, not causing peace. But I can bake de Boed some Middle Eastern inspired goods with spices and honey and somehow modestly celebrate it. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.        

Severe interest in someone who is never around.

 Good evening everyone. 

The day ended bright and beautifull. I suppose it's going to be a clear night with a visible moon tonight. 

*

I happen to have an almost romantic interest in people who only excist in my mind. Is that normal? I have had this strange visions about a guy I don't know but who I think I once saw during new year's eve. The matter has faded away, but at times I still think at it. It's not normal. I happen to have an interest in someone I saw once on the street outside but never saw them again- It's not normal either, but in my head I keep on fantasizing sometimes to a point where it becomes part off my mental health issues. I don't like most common people I meet in real life. I barely have romantic interests in them, unless they pop up in my mind. I don't even infatuate on celebrities. I believe that is part off being on medication- loss off interest in that field in people. But why do I over-act on non excisting men? Just in my fantasy, on places no one ever enters. I believe I should either get over with it, or get a way to deal with it. If I ever get to meet them again and they turn out to actually dislike me- I'm likely to start to feel a bit uneasy around them. I feel like becomming something a bit scary. An ungroomed fat obsessed fan with thick glasses and a mental disease like sometimes known from movies. It's not something cool. I'm fully aware I'm going to end up like that, untouched and all drained and to have become weird by things like this. 'Move along, you hold up the crowd.' What am I to do about this? I know that once I'm set off like this, I'm likely to hang on to this for  a long time while actually wishing I could let go but I'm not mentally capable to do so. That's right, I'm mental and never capable to let go off things recently happened in the field off romance. 

Most things, even on a level off friendship or family, are too easy for me to let go off. Something's a bit out off balance, but what else is new? Is that love interest in danger? I don't think so as I believe he is rather based on people I think I might have met. He doesn't excist. I shouldn't get nervous feelings from him to begin with. As far as it goes, I believe this person might hate me if he would excist and actually knows me but that's because off my choice in life. I won't say anything more about him. Except that he's a cute, very pale blonde geek with glasses and an australian dessert hat. Who is born a chinese zodiac Snake and he is lean build. He's too certain off himself to be scared off me, And he's charming. I don't believe I have ever seen him for real in my life. I doubt I would have fallen for him if I'd ever meet him for real. Usually that doesn't happen. I call it 'Severe interest in someone.' It sounds like a disease that way and that is, after all, something that IS truly real. 

On a positive level, today was the first time I ever had lemon meringue pie. I never tasted it and it was very sweet. It was to my liking but it tasted diffrent than what I thought it would be like. It's nice but it's not my favourite. I had it with a cappucino at a terrace with wooden picknick benches with a nice overvieuw at de Zaan in Wormerveer. (I know most people can't pronounce that if they're not Dutch.) It did well on me to have fresh air, a great sight and nice coffee with a treat somewhere. 

Snakes and Monkeys (My chinese zodiac) aren't compatitable. It's not a good idea to dwell on a snake. If he would have been a dragon, that would have been more off a match but he's just annoying. Cute but annoying. But I keep an appropriate distance from the entire scene he's part off according to himself. He doesn't has me hooked enough on him to take action but I hope I made myself clear about it by now. Vana has treated me wrong and thins they can shower me in 'silent treatment.' because off being stuck up with their stupid ego and pride. Meanwhile on the other side off the fight, I started to feel a bit better about life and got up somehow today. I shouldn't cheer too early as this is sensitive. If the man descripted above might excist- don't mention that to me, I won't do anything with it. No matter if he is a secret prince from Sweden with a nice house somewhere at a lakeside. But somehow I bet it won't be necessairy to mention that to uncle Mark. 

If there is a prince from Sweden with a house at a lakeside reading this by accident who isn't attached to Vana Events, - You can look up my contact information in my profile. In return, I'm not all that, but who cares. I have little hopes this might happen for real, What I have to offer is not good enough for most people. but a girl can dream. Many a sour old event hag would point at me and say 'whore.' But I suppose their filthy dreadheads haven't met their match either. Or otherwise she lacks a sense off humor on this, which I find even more alarming. (I'm not going to take this back, but as far as the rules off silent treatment go- they're not suppose to say anything about it to me.) 

Fighting isn't something that should attract a Swedish prince. But I believe it's not read by any off them. 

I have inspiration for a comedy called 'Prountoupaloup.' Starring Johnny Depp as a dreaded pagan who lost a fake police car with metal signs on it a few years ago at a parking lot in a big city they barely know, starring someone playing mentally diseased me being floaty and mental all the time and all the other characters around at one off my previous adresses. 'NATASHA! Where is my car?!' Resembling the Flinstones 'WILMA, where is my car?' (I don't know if that is in the Flinstones, but you got it.) As far as people don't know: I called the city office and they towed away that car. Pagans are weird enough to be off Johnny Depp's interest I hope, and Disney can produce the thing in my imagination, but I believe 'Prountoupaloup.' is not the best title to give to that. Though it's funny as it is. They're never going to get that car back. I have posted video's about it on my YouTube channel and they're a bit stupid (van gisteren) if they haven't found out about that by now. But some dark and weird evening somewhere in 2018 is perfect inspiration for a comedy / drama. As you might know by now, I don't take Vana Events serious after so many years off having to live up to their infantile biggotry. I prefer to make fun off them. Respect them like gods? I don't think so. A towed away car somehow feels like victory to me. What is the clue to that comedy? Know thine enemy, know what you put them up with. And read up on local laws about vehicles before you dump them on the parking lot in front off the hospital. It's sometimes THAT simple to avoid a parking fine. But as Vana has been good at underestimating me, I have been up to date about city office law forms and procedures. I'm mad but I'm pretty sharp on some things. There I would like to keep my inspiration for 'Prountoupaloup.'  

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

     

 

Validate what you have.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cloudy and feeling cold in a nice way. It's a fresh wind that blows around you and there are a lot off landmowers mowing grass. It smells fresh and green outdside here. It's a nice feeling. 

*

I may sound a bit old fashioned when I'm on and on about not throwing stuff away and being content with things you have, or which lay on the shelve to almost forgotten but which are still almost new and perfectly fine to use. I don't like people who throw away too much and who dwell on latest trends and who can't be content with life anymore no matter what. I believe people could be more gratefull for what they have and still have, and sometimes it takes a look among stuff you have bought before and you might have safed it but you never used it to get something almost new. I don't know if it's because I have a poor background and have been brought up with little, but I'm most off the time gratefull for what I have and I can handle new stuff and collecting stuff and I look on my shelves if I feel low on money and I still want to have fun. It's not hard when you've already collected a lot. Then it takes little to still have nice things. And if you prefer not to live on trend or with the latest gadgets like I do, it doesn't do anything to you if something new comes out. 

I believe this world could become a better place if people where more satisfied and would be less greedy. I can be content just drinking coffee and be on my laptop all day instead off going after new stuff all the time. My music at the moment is mainly golden oldies and I don't need new haircuts every 6 weeks. Or expensive make-up. I know mankind wouldn't improve if everyone would be as innovative and motivated as me. But it works somehow to be common sensed about the world around you and know what things are worth. I don't have the money for expensive sound systems, still I enjoy listening to music by listening to cd's a lot and listening to music on my laptop. When I'm low on money, I look at what I still have which is plenty. I still can't afford to live a luxurious lifetyle, but I get by perfectly fine each day. 

I think it's spoiled not to be gratefull for what you have if you can live a good life. Health is more important, and so are social relationships. It's also a good sign if you live with respect for people less wealthy than you and if you can share or give away what you have left if you can and make other people happy. That is wealth. Being capable to share. There are about one million poor people in the Netherlands (On a population off about 18 million people) and numbers are increasing. I always feel such incredibly pity with truly poor people. It's probably because I've known poverty myself and still have to deal with a low income. I feel with them. There are many people who have nothing. So I think it's good to still stand still by what you do have in life and validate each day for what it's truly worth.

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.       

A point off clarity

Good evening everyone, 

Today it's rainy and cloudy. Not much off a day for midsummer. It's a pity for those who think off that day as important. It's the start off summer today. 

*

Sometimes it's all resolving around a certain point off clearness. A wish, a spell, a star- It's sometimes as bright and clear as it is in all it's simplicity and it lacks creativity, I'm sorry to say, but it's a thing that's available for everyone, no matter how rich or poor. A star. The point where the wish becomes real, the spell is bound and starts to work, and the star is a point to be seen at night. It's simplicity at it's finest, but therefore also one off the mose effective things in the world. The point where an idea becomes in motion and starts to become valid for people. It's a point off my own philosophy, I like this point. It's beautifull and strong. It's where everything else we consider important, or noble, or otherwise 'high.' is left out and all that matters is that point. It's not necessairily a sexual point. It's not ment for that metaphore, it's merely for wishes and dreams. The point where it all comes to be. 

It's as easy and simple and therefore as bright and pure as said before. It doesn't take a lot off nonsense, it just -is-. 

Wishes and dreams are often set in motion and aren't surrounded by a point off clarity in real life. But that might be too vague for most people. The point off clarity is where it all comes togheter and 'Happens.' I like the philosophy off that point. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you for reading.   

Mid-summer shield 2021.

 

Today I wanted to do something for mid-summer. Today is the longest day and the shortest night. I decided on to make a mid-summershield on de Boed and mine has buttons on it. Ancient people used to make them around these days. I can't remember for what purpose to be honest, but I made one by accident before and I liked the idea to do something like that again for this year's midsummer, despite mine being rectangulair instead off being round-shaped. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you for reading. 

Edit: I found you're suppose to make it look like a sunwheel to be working with the essence off the sun. Mine is rectangulair this year, but to be honest- Anything is possible in modern days. I don't know if the gods accept rectangulair mid-summer shields. But I cheered up a care taker who said she felt sunny by my painting on this rainy and gloomy day. 

I'm not your 'Barbiedoll.'

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was warm yet cloudy. It was a nice day in general. I returned home after visiting my brothers. 

*

I like to speak up about a subject that means a lot to me. 

While scapegoating me, Vana Events has been degredating me to some immature, pink loving, Britney Spears listening whore and they try to make me a playbunny to the lowest kind off level you don't have to take serious. I have to defend myself. That's not like me at all. I'm way too serious to be considered that and I think off this way off scapegoating as incredibly filthy. But that's how it has been and it's why they are stuck up with some morron thinking he can be sexist everywhere. I suppose it was a welcoming way off even bringing this to a further point while no one right in their head who has been around me would ever consider me that way. Allright, I'm a blonde and at times I dye my hair. But that's everything that can be said about it. I have to obey to some morron thinking he can do anything to me in that field but it goes too far and it's not allright with me. Most people in that scene don't know me for real but they have put up such a shamefull image for me and probably a lot off other women and it shouldn't go any further. It's a shame to Vana to put up women like me like that because they can't controll me any other way. I'm not in for it. I never have been. 

I'm serious but not cranky. That's probably it. I'm not as much as a sour old hag as most off their 'Serious.' bitches. I prefer a wide range off bald summer colours over black, that makes me a bit weird off a witch and I'm NOT overly jealouse though they like to make me seem that way. What do they have to hide themselves in that field? 

Rumors like this to a young girl / woman often come from men who can't have you in their bed, or women who are overly jealouse at you. It's some sort off a common wisdom to know. I never doubted myself as a woman who is true to herself. I like pink dresses, but I'm not a barbie doll. I'm not their barbiedoll and I never have been. I'm not a slut or a whore, I'm rather a holy virgin when it comes to it. And I don't want them in my bed. Something is off about this and I would like to know why they have came up with this nonsense some time ago. It's not right and it's not fair. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

The end off days isn't near, so behave well.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Some people are on about the appocalyps, while some just believe we are landed in the end-time nowadays, so what do we have to loose? YOLO! (that's more what modern youth believes, but some older people do it just as well.) 

Some people like to believe we live near the appocalypse and the world will end. That's why they act less responsible and act a bit immature towards life. 'What do we have to loose in the end?' - I don't think so. The end off the world and society is not anywhere near yet. Life might have just begun. We are the continueing off an ancient story. I shouldn't make this any more wordy than it is and sometimes it's as simple as this. I don't believe we live near the end off the world. So- get back to responsible. (!!!) Don't fool around and think it's not on you. You are responsible for your life and how you live it. It could end tomorrow, it could end within a hundred years, but that's you. YOUR life has a short term off being. It's better to make most off it instead off letting it go by without doing your utmost best. I believe in it. 

I don't believe in not giving a fuck or not caring in general. That doesn't do it. People are impossible and yet you should do your best for people as it gives a more fullfilling feeling instead off emptiness. I swear by it. I can recommend that to everyone. Nowadays there is something in my way called control off others. I think that matter has killed many people- having no control over a situation and being victims to what's happening in the world around them. Is that called evolution? For example, a super power nation going to war with another one and killing people is a matter off circumstances people suffer from and die by. Flood, fire, tornadoes and earthquicks are a matter off circumstances. It's something people die from. But it's not the end off the world for most people. You have to get up and try again. Give it your best each day. 

I may sound easy and I'm probably the first to need this advice nowadays as I'm stuck and bored. My old abillity to help people is gone at the moment. Giving it your best is one off the hardest things to do when you feel like that. I have both issues in me and I wish my best side would help me out. It just isn't there at the moment still I like to overthink it. Give it your best and stand up again. I just wish I would have a way doing that. Out off just ourselves doing the best in life is hard to do either.  Sometimes it's hard to stick to the good, enlightned side that way. I'm likely to held over to my inner darkness either and think less nice than I used to because off being stuck. Sometimes I have issues with my thoughts to be dark. I don't mean the funny / acceptable darkness some people have, but the real evil stuff that comes to my mind nowadays. That's not a good thing. Just when you thought you have survived the edge, you are pushed even more over it. Just for these month, I have become uncontent with life compared to it a few years ago. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Practice what you preach

 Good afternoon everyone,

Sometimes it's hard to stick by your words. Sometimes it's hard to stick by how you wish to come off. Sometimes it's hard to practice the vieuws you seem or should have, but you actually don't have those- or you have sold your soul instead and well, you ARE after the pursuit off profit that first didn't make sense in your public opinion. There are many examples off this and sometimes you can't even be sure off what someone said. But it's all clear in how they act. Sometimes Celts aren't celts, but Romans in disguise, and sometimes the whole idea off paganism is, well, just an ideal and what you do is just binge watching netflix as paganism is just a fantasy like the others. (I don't agree with that.) 

I try to keep life sober but pure. I don't know what or who we're talking about, but they are probably going to be angry if they would read. But I'm not afraid off them. 

Paganism isn't a fantasy. It's a religion for good reasons I better don't explain. Sometimes you have seen the explosion that killed the real Atlantis without it to have been a movie. Sometimes you know exactly what magic is, but you better keep quiet and you do most off the time. That's where I agree. 

Sometimes you didn't get the Game Of Thrones hype- but you get it causes more sexism in Fantasy scene circles and you despise that. It's not a good thing. Sometimes you want to hear songs off true freedom again, instead off what's going on nowadays. It's not right anymore. And you know why as it has always been a fight and you know you are on the good side. But you finally found out why. Celts are Romans in disguise. I'm talking about the ancient stuff. But like Atlantis, I can't proove anything and not just anyone would know it. Still. 

I'm not getting off my side off the story. Vana just has been rude and it has been deserving what I've done. Even in modern days and something feels as if it still hasn't been enough but it's not a thing off common sense to go on. I just won't win anything if I keep on going on with them this way. And a good way off mutual respect just won't do it as they have never shown any respect towards me. I have tried a few times but it didn't work. 

It's not right with them and they are wrong and always have been. That's what it comes down to. I see them as a bunch off prissys not answering me on things that deserve respect and attention. I don't trust them anymore nowadays. They have never shown being trustworthy towards me to begin with. You wish my trust, you have to show you're trustworthy. You don't, you don't have my trust. It's sometimes that simple. I don't know why I'm on to them this day. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

On 'Schizotypal.'

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cloudy outside without rain. There's no high temperatures and somehow I wonder if the weather can be jinxed somehow this year. I'm not really mental when coming up with this. I bet if people find out how to jinx the weather, they go nasty on it somehow. Like with everything nowadays. I think it shouldn't be left to mortal people to master over the weather. But it's all theoreticall, offcourse. 

*

Schizotypal. It's a term in modern psychology to describe people who behave diffrent than what's descripted as accepted in these modern days. People who behave a-typical and who have difftent ideas and ideals than what's acceptable. 

In that light, there are a lot off people schizotypal and I was wondering for how many rebel thinkers this counts. You could shove it off as a mental issue. You could do that, but is it a true disease in that case? I'm schizophrenic, but I'm also a bit irreligious in my way off thinking and the way I vieuw modern society. I never talked about it with my health care staff, I don't know what happens if I would. Would that be seen as another aspect off being diseased in mind? I find it troublesome that my world vieuw is seen as a disease and with me I believe there are probably many nowadays who are against modern pursue off profit (If google has translated that right.) Is that a disease? Truly? 

If so, then where does the freedom off the individual end to think freely off modern society? I think I could get interesting answers if I would question this to my psychiatrist and health care providers. I might be too free and strange minded for people you would assume to think alike. I'm a rebel and a non-conformist and I might have been ever since I caught the ideal off what it contains. The good and well-behaving people at Gortershof would probably be on their nerves if they knew what that is all about. (To keep myself from disrupting people I often don't push discussions to the limit. I know when to keep my opinion shut.) I doubt if any off them is schizotypal. I might be if you'd follow the description and I doubt if many a Castlefest-goer is truly a rebel if you hear so many off them whining about Omnia. And off limits? I don't think so for most. I hoped to find likewise minded people in there. But I must be a strange case then. Left winged politics and fairness are somewhat off a strange idea in this right-winged landscape off narrow minded people most off the time. (I'm talking about modern day society in general.) It's something to fight over each and every generation. But is that a mental disease? Not in my opinion. 

Allright, that's about it- thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 19th off June, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Yesterday evening it felt as if the sky was falling down upon our heads. It was a massive rainstorm and our parental home leaked wather throughout the windows. It's a bit sad but this house at times is a drama when it comes to maintanance. This place even made it to the news with all the water damage that was done yesterday. The windows could barely keep the rain outside. Luckily it finished and the windows are still in their framework. As far as it goes today, there is no rain but it's still cloudy. 

*

Today is for my brother's birthday. I liked to believe I could come back here and get out off the drama called Gortershof and de Boed. But as far as that goes I often got the feedback that I'm too slow or annoying when it comes to household and I would only be in their way if I would come back. It's not an option for them and the more I find out about schizophrenia and all the side effects that belong with it, the more I start to realize I'm not fit for society. 

Yesterday I tried to prepare our meal, rice with chicken and a salad but I was a bit slow and my brother decided to take over what I was doing. It tasted perfectly but I suppose they almost thought it was dangerous what I was performing. To be honest with you, the rice and the chicken where about to cook and I sat at the table to let it cook done. The chicken was in the oven and the rice was on the stove top. It was only a matter off waiting but they thought I was apathious and doing something dangerous. The salad was already made and waiting at our table. Maybe I was at something dangerous while sitting there, I was watching how it cooked every often though. I stood up and stirred the pans. I just think I made them believe I was slacking it. They think I'm annoying when it comes to that point. I can't come back. 

My brothers are nice and caring men, they deserve more praise than what they're given credit for sometimes. I know people think low off us a lot and believe we're boring and not cool according to their standards, but my brothers are cool and I believe their time will come when they are older somehow. I don't know if that also counts for me. But I have good hopes for them. I believe it wasn't much off a nice thing from my mother to be off on a vacation on my oldest brother's birthday. I hope they'll celebrate eventually when she got back. He deserves that. 

What will come off me if anyone finds out about my weblog and my YouTube channel? Care-tackers often aren't much aware off what I'm at on the internet. They have no clue about my business on here and I like it that way. It's a place I have for myself and somehow I like blogging, despite there mainly being no comments but I don't care about that. I like the process off posting weblogs. I don't know if this will ever be read to what it deserves and if I will ever get true justice on what I'm after but I have let go off the idea off ever getting justice and fairness on my case from Vana, hopeless as they are in that field. I mainly do this for myself nowadays and I don't care there being no respond. 

Somehow I expect to die because off brain issues. I don't know how long that will take or if that will be any time soon. I believe I did te right thing all along and I have done the right thing in Zaanstad by doing my utmost best for myself and other clients. I fight more battles than one. Somehow I wish how to get good spirits out off myself for the upcomming time as life is boring nowadays and I fight but I have no mood to give it my best. I hate it when I'm apathious. Apathy is a part off schizophrenia as I found out. Taking less care off myself also is. I can't fight myself out off it as I'm stuck inside myself when it comes to that part. At times when I really set myself to it, I put on a soft and neutral make-up every now and then. (I have to fight with myself for it) I don't believe in overdoing it or looking tacky. Despite some mean people's believe. But I'm not their possesion and I never will be. I choose my own path. 

Alternatives can be pretty short minded too when something isn't to their standards. I have never met those standards and I'm the talk off town to their evil gossip a lot. I always have been but it hasn't broken me or my pride. As I kept my distance from it and I knew not to get too stuck up or too close to it. That wouldn't have helped me but I hate them and that never goes away anymore. I have seen their real face and it's an ugly one. I could rant tons off weblogs about it but that has never helped. Someone should reveal the truth but I doubt that is on me. I can't do anything about what's actually going on. I can choose my side however, and decide to keep away from them from now on as that is what always felt right about those stupid assholes. I shouldn't give them more space than what they deserve. 

I'm not talking about those I have been hanging around with a few years ago, but about those bitches who are narrow mindedly always gossiping about me without my broken friendships knowing about it. I always knew for sure that was going on and I mindlessly hated all off it. And always have done that. Appearently those bitches have won because I'm off completely but I couldn't take the entire scene anymore after a while. I decided to leave after trying to break through a million walls. It never helped. They just have been gossiping even more and backstabbing me over and over because off everything. It just didn't feel right anymore to be anywhere near them or the entire scene anymore. They lie and they hate on me and they aren't anywhere above me. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.

  

Good afternoon at the 18th off June, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cloudy outside with hints off sunshine. There are cool breezes and it's less hot than yesterday. As fot the temperature, it's to my liking. 

*

Today is for visiting my brothers. My oldest younger brother has his birthday tomorrow and I decided on to leave my place early and go visit them for the weekend. My mom is on summer vaccation with her husband so we have the house for ourselves. I hope my brother has a good birthday cake tomorrow. I bought him an expensive cookbook on Asian foods. He's interested in Asian cooking so it's a topic to give him gifts for. I like it being an easy subject where you can easily find things for. Instead off the unpersonal giftgard- and go after it yourself- stuff people often get away with nowadays. I even wrap my gifts myself. I'm not a great wrapper, but it's a way off telling people I like to do some effort for them. 

Giving gifts is fun. I don't have much money anymore, but every now and then a small present is fun for all off us. I like to pick special things for people I know which are to their personal taste and make them feel good and thankfull. I like to wrap them and decorate them with nice ribbons on the surface. My mom says my brother is a good cook, so I suppose it's worthit giving him cookbooks. 

I feel a bit bored in life. That feeling when life goes by without anything special happening. The feeling off being stuck in your surrounding and feeling numb when you're alone in your room and the day has been done. Not much happens during a day at de Boed and it's as if I'm wasting my life there. I said it. It's boring and for elderly folks mainly. Sometimes there are days which are a bit better than other ones, but mainly I feel a bit sober. I know it's for my own good being in there. I know I better do it or I might flip and cause drama. But I believe I need a bit more in life than what's going on recently. I might have told you people on de Boed living at Gortershof are a bit tiny minded and it's hard getting them into new things outside things they are familiair with in life. I don't like tiny minded people and those who shove away sensitive subjects, no matter how small, (Sometimes too small) when it's too much for them. (And on the other hand whine themselves about equal matters but we all have to listen.) 

Zaandijk is pretty left out when it comes to public transport so it's not easy to get somewhere. I sound negative about life I know. It's sometimes a bit hard to see the positive in this situation. Sometimes negativity piles up and drains. Too much off a bad thing is not good. I might just sound spoiled especially when you see the nice surrounding it's situated in. But I do feel bored and left out and a bit tired off all off it. Old people aren't likely to explore new borders and try out new, creative things and try to even listen to new songs by themselves. Even when you think you already got there, you are driven a bit more over the edge by life. It might not seem fair to those who don't have a house, but I'm driven a bit off by the boring mundaine off life. It goes by and I'm growing older and older without my life to have taken flight the right way. I need the health care they are providing, I keep to myself. But it's so lonely nowadays. We have life in our own two hands, right? Sometimes there is barely anything to do about what's going on but it somewhat stings. I have no real way off getting out off this numbness at the moment. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.  

Your trauma isn't your fault, but going on and healing from it IS your responsibility.

 Good evening everyone, 

The sun goes down but it's still visible. it's around 21.30 P.M and it's still lively and bright outside. I love it. 

*

Getting myself educated about schizophrenia wasn't a bad thing. I started to understand more off what I was going through was somewhat about and I think there should be more educational material available about this on YT or the internet in general. It helps me. I like the way it makes me understand more about myself. Insights work to improve myself on points. 

I'm someone who believes in self-improvement. I heard it saying somewhere, but I forgot where: 

'Your trauma isn't your fault, but going on and healing from it IS your responsibility.' 

I never saw it that way. I just went on and on in life without the idea off having, or needing to have, it in my own two hands. Schizophrenia is a brain disease which can't be cured according to science, but by knowing more and realizing what is part off it and how they deal with it, I started to understand more and I'm wishing to try to make more off my life by trying to work on those parts which I knew where there, but which wheren't named or made clear to me, and made understandable to myself by me. Know yourself. That's an important part off life. After you realize you aren't an endless victim to circumstances, you can start to build yourself up again and try to stand stronger. We can take a look in our mirrors, and give it a try to improve ourselves and our lives. It's deep psychological shit, but I need this. Dwelling in the victim mode leads to nowhere. It's even annoying to me from a certain point. So that's what I'm going to try: Get up and cure. Not get up and fight again because that mainly leads to nowhere either. I need to get up and regain good energy. If dragonflies can do it, then why can't I do it?

Allright, that's about it. 

Thank you for reading.    

Good evening at the 15th off June, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is sunny with a hint off clouds and it is appearently cooler than yesterday. Those cool episodes are to my liking. Tomorrow and the day after that it will be too hot outside for me. I'm not going to like it. 

*

Today I sat outside de Boed on their terrace in the shadow and I enjoyed the coolness and the green summer surrounding. It was nice to be there and just feel the atmosphere off June. I have been minding the bewildered plants for a while. I like it that way and I love bewildered plants and plants growing across each other and it looking like some beautifull bohemian ensemble. Bewildered areas where there hasn't been build yet, or bewildered yards with a lot off variety in plants and a cool summer atmosphere are so beautifull. It has 'something.' almost mysterious. It's better than straight cut areas with less variety and flowerbeds being too neatly organized. That bewilderedness off flowers and plants is in fashion nowadays. I love it. 

It's been a thing from the government ever since we had an economic crisis to let areas bewilder and take less care off outdoor green in public areas which made it like that. de Boed and Gortershof have a large garden which is taken care off by a serious hobbyist. That makes it look a thousand times better than when it would have been done by paid professionals. The garden is lovely. We have a lot off bugs outside like butterflies, ladybugs and large dragonflies. There has been one bumping it's head on the solar screen this afternoon, but with some care that beautifull almost tropical large green dragonfly could fly again and the day has been safed. Bewilderdness almost brings out a sense off freedom in me. The kind off sensation that makes you stand above the rest off the world and makes you feel invincible at times. At least that's what it does to me. The others become corporated hypocrits living for their money or status if your heart becomes free and autonome. I love it. It's a feeling my mom has been raising me with. It's where true music should originate from. That spectaculair feeling off freedom. 

Yesterday I was sitting by our fish pond while the Gortershof-band played their soulfeeding music. They play blues, classic rock, jazz and other amazing styles and they are very, very good for a hobby band. They practice two evenings a week at de Boed and the atmosphere it gave outside was spectaculair. Magic is in the air when something feels like this. My soul is fed when the world looks like that. Light outside, beauty outside, great music outside. 

I barely have any money and I live in a small house but I feel great when this all comes togheter and makes the atmosphere fizzy and bright,    

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 14th off June, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and warm. And it felt like a bit too much off a good thing, still I made the best off my day. When summer strikes in the Netherlands, it strikes good. 

*

Today was for grocery shopping and preparing my own meal in my home. Without nasty care-takers being on my nerves. I made cauliflower rice with orange and red paprika, a yellow zuchinni, two leeks, an onion and chicken breast. Made to taste with spices and ketjap manis. It was a nice meal and it was healthy. I feel better than when I would have been at de Boed today but it felt lonesome. I finished my meal with 0% fat peach yoghurt. I love having breaks from de Boed every often as it gets a bit too much at times. I feel agressive people and nasty care takers are not the way I want to have my dinner in the evening. Tomorrow I'll have that meal again and I'm glad I made it. 

This morning was for jewelry making and I donated the necklace to de Boed's outlet. Aside to that I just have been doing grocery shopping and had myself tea all day. It wasn't much off a bad day. I wanted to cook with bald colours and I did so. It's a certain wisdom/ science that having a lot off colour on your plate is healthy. I love preparing meals with a lot off bald coloured vegetables. The supermarket had an action on yellow zuchinni and orange paprika's. Aside to other healthy and bright vegetables I'm eager to try. Graffiti eggplant. It's an eggplant which looks like it's painted purple and white with a graffiti spray. It looks cool and I'm used to vegetables so I don't mind a bit off a bitter taste that might come from it. Like eggplants usually do. A bald coloured ratatouille is most off the time a great dish and it's healthy. I like to prepare mine with paprika sauce and chicken minced meat instead off tomato sauce and common minced meat. Sometimes I prefer paprika sauce on places where tomato sauce is required. On pasta's for example. I can reccomend farfalle with paprika sauce and chicken minced meat aside to the other vegetables. It's delicious. 

I'm on this point again where I'm preaching about vegetables and colours, but it's mainly the question if I will stay on this point. I have to be honest with you. I wonder if I'm strong enough to do so. It's preferable to keep on watching my weight at this point and start a lifestyle change like the psychiatrist recommended last week. I cheer for healthy eating, I believe in plant based foods. But I know myself. The mind is strong, the flesh is weak. I'm not a christian but I know this is written in the bible. Not the salad bible but that's mainly about plant based foods. My flesh is strong when it comes to prudity and celibate living in psychiatric health care. I keep my distance from men to stay where I am in life. But when it comes to food... I'm not as strong minded most off the time. 

I've got mainly sweet tooth. I'm not the kind off person to go after junkfood. Some people like to see me that way but that's not true. Sometimes it takes sugar instead off salt to get me. A spoon full off sugar instead off rubbing in salt on wounds most people prefer not to see. I have to loose weight, however. I'm motivated to do so this summer. I even believe in eating less meat to safe the planet. I'm not vegan or even vegetarian, but every often a good replacement for meat can't do bad. I can't do without eggs and diary, however. I love to make great desserts and that needs diary. Safe more cows, don't eat them for their milk? 

I still see weird faces in trees or at plants, or on places where they shouldn't be. Sometimes it's the same guy showing himself at me and being charming and funny to me. It's a good person doing that in my mind. It's not healthy but it's good company. The tree next to my house is the place where I spot most off the weird cartoonish faces in the branches in winter and among the leaves in summer. It's less when the tree is bare, But it's still there. I see the same faces most off the time, but sometimes branches look strange and have become new faces, or I see new things in the tree. Mainly angry looking masculine elves looking down at me in dispice. A mean blonde princes and something that looks like Elizabeth I looking nastily down at me. A crow with a bandana, another version off that crow, and another version off it in the same face but then with diffrent eyes- It even has expressions at times. Trees are living things but seeing faces in the way their branches are drawn among the air in winter is not healthy. I start to see it at more places, and the bald colours off flowers everywhere seem more vivid to me. I love bald coloured flowers. I'm not crazy when it comes to that, just a bit sensitive for it's beauty and that is nature at it's best. 

I prefer the trees being all green and appearing lively like these months compared to all bald in winter and seasons around it. Is the tree telling me something? I wonder. I barely know if the answer to that is yes. I have been hiding myself from a certain crowd for a good reason. I believe I did good on it. I don't have to live up to their immature and cruel meanness. Especially when I still think I was right all along and that made me do everything. I'm still alone in the world, but at least I do what is right in my eyes. 

Be brave, Be honest, Do the right thing- always. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.    

  

This evening wasn't rotten

 Good evening everyone, 

Today the entire day was sunny and bright. I decided to put on some make-up this evening, put on some nice earrings and made it to the dinner table at de Boed. 

*

I had luck this evening. We had well made sheperd's pie (without lamb minced meat.) with a mini magnum for dessert. Actually two because the person working there was nice to us. It wasn't a bad evening. It was a big improvement compared to the rest off the week. It was in time because I started cursing to my empty room and talking loud again. I'm agressive when I do that. It's best to go out every often and be watched over when I feel so nasty. 

I had the strange but cute idea my ladybug-guardian-angel had been arranging the good meals off this weekend. I have a ladybug- guardian-angel with the nicest black curly hair and the cutest appearance in the world in my head. He wears tidy man shirts with nice prints, often red, blue or purple sometimes, a tidy gilette over it and pants, and neat shoes and he's Hector the ladybug. I can't proove anything about his excistence, but I prefer not to because he's so cute I wouldn't want him out off my head, despite it being delusional I know. He helps me with a lot. I suppose he doesn't excist and 'we.' don't excist. But it's too nice off a feeling to shove him off. He is funny when he talks. That probably does it. I love the idea. 

Ladybug guardian angels can arrange good meals and good circumstances for people. I'm sure off it. Sometimes he appears as a young man with shoulder length black hair and he helps me through the day by talking things over or giving advice on what good foods to eat next time. He's a good help. It's not healthy but I can't deal without it. 

Deep into this mental shit 

I barely can find a fancy fit- 

Off the line with crazy wit 

 So I love a ladybug 

-Deal with it.- 

. 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading.  

 

Good afternoon at the 13th off June, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's bright and summery outside. All sunshine and clear blue skies. When summer falls in the Netherlands, it falls good most off the time. I'm glad with the extra light and the blue skies each evening when I feel like relaxing on my couch. It's better than winter or autumn darkness. Rain has it's charm, but not for too long. 

*

I picked up on healthy eating again since my weight was increasing this period. I started on eating granola each morning with either yoghurt or milk, and only one plate off food each evening. Aside from more excersise. This morning however, was for a bit off a cheat breakfast, banana bread I made myself yesterday. I had two large slices, one before medication and one this afternoon for lunch. 

With large muggs off fresh coffee and a squeeze off honey on them. My banana bread tastes pretty good. It's not a healthy variety since it contains quite some light brown sugar. And it contains nuts. But it's a cheat breakfast so I suppose it's allright then. The upcomming week I'll be loyal to my diet again by only having granola with a diary product for breakfast. Sometimes I smuggle a bit by eating a lot off granola. But it's more healthy than eggs and grilled ham and cheese sandwiches. I suppose I gained weight on that. I'm fat, every extra weight is a loss I can't take. I have to loose what I gained. 

I've been checked on by a bloodtest recently. I have no obesity diseases like high blood pressure or cholestorol. I'm only low on vitamin D. They found out my mood has to do with vitamin D and being too low on it. It's why I like the sun to be out in the evening. I feel better in general these days while it's sunny. I feel motivated, I have more positive thoughts and I feel the energy to practice good ideas instead off feeling a bit stuck inside myself by just thinking them and doing nothing instead. That's something I do at times, and it's a weird and scary part off medicines. I bale by doing that, but sunlight is my friend. I feel I can't be out for too long, but enjoying more sunlight each day is a pre. 

I had the dream to move to a northern forest with a lakeside and a dreamy forest and mountain surrounding some time. In a romantic wooden cottage somewhere in Canada or Scandinavia, (The USA is no option since I'm not allowed in) with a lot off space surrounding me. But given the fact that I'm sensitive for low sunlight and I don't like the idea to be alone in the forest with myself all the time, I have given up on that a bit. But it's a pity. I would have loved a house Santa Claus would have been jealouse off. (Not with cheap christmas decorations, but for the classic christmas like surrounding) I probably can't manage that. I need my healthcare. 

Two days off weekend in my own house after a buisy week feels as if I'm retraiting. I'm regaining energy and I finally have time to take better care off myself instead off slobbing it out. My house has a light and positive atmosphere I created by intention to keep myself calm and positive minded most off the time. It works to keep everything light and sweet and a bit spiritual with some colourfull accents. When things get bad, I have a positive place to fall back on and it works for me most off the time. It's something I can reccomend most people, not only psychiatric patients: Make your home base a nice place. It does good to annyone. 

I have painted my nails this morning. I have been cutting, filing and polishing them untill nice. 

I need more weekends off from now on for my self-care. My pants are indeed the bald printed ones you see in the picture, and my salon table is A mess. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.  

Some people...

 Good evening everyone, 

It's a warm almost summer night, but not everything falls into place. In this area, there are no stars above the city. They can't be seen. At my mom's house, you can see a sky full off stars at clear nights and I miss that. Starry nights are better than empty city nights. Only the moon can be seen. 

I'm snacking on nuts. Healthy unsalted nuts which are healthy. I have a fight with a care taker, the one who bought my smiley necklace. She thinks she can play mindtricks on me. 'If you won't do your house chores, I won't pay.' She said. I reported this to the office and we'll have a talk next week about this 'cause this is vulgair theft. She is not poor, she has money and like everyone who buys something she has to pay instead off doing things like this. She's not above the rest and she's arrogant when it comes to this. As if she doesn't has to pay me something. I spoke up about this with other people and there will be a talk about this. It's only 3 euro's. Why would someone be this arrogant and mean to me? I wonder about people's reasons often. 'Why would you set up people against me?' 'Why would you dedicate a wickerbeast to me while meanwhile you don't want to talk about things with me?' 'Why would you trick me with this and treat me like a child?' Luckily, this can be talked over. The other two examples are still unsolved mysteries. People are stupid at times. I don't get it most off the time but maybe I'm too honest in spirit when it comes to things like this. I believe in fairness and honesty. It brings you the longest way with people. 

I'm lucky, I don't have any overweight diseases like cholestorol or high blood pressure. You wouldn't assume it, but I watch my health most off the time instead off eating like a pig. So nuts it is, underneath this empty sky above the town. 

Allright, thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 12th off June, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been cloudy at first, without rain, but the day ended sunny. It wasn't overly hot outside, and that is to my liking. 

*

Today was for a day off. I took a day all for myself and spended it mainly on sleeping in and drinking coffee and tea for quite some time. I made plans on healthy eating and attemps to loose weight. I believe in healthy vegetables and salad based meals the upcoming time. I have inspiration from the Salad Bible. I just doubt I could keep up with it. I feel I don't have to be too strict on myself but still- a night off from de Boed every often wouldn't come in bad these days. I feel like me-time while having a buisy week is something precious. People who have been in lockdown all the time think I'm crazy, probably, but me-time while people around you push you all the time in fields off your life is precious. 

I have been thinking, it happened almost three times now I fell in love out off a delusion somehow and I feel it's a good thing they haven't taken advantage off me somehow, despite it being and feeling hard. I believe I'm in love with someone who is never around and who just comes up in my mind as a voice or delusion, I think it's psychotic to give in to that and take action. On the other hand- Would I want them to take action on me if they would ever feel like it? I doubt. Is this real love? Or just fake? It's a positive delusion, nevertless, but what if they would take advantage off me in this state off being? Would I be capable to say no to them if they would ever show up in my life? Errr.... is that realistic? My soul is doomed, and the demon who stole it never shows up for real. It's all based on fantasy somehow. I would like to say: 'I'm lucky they didn't take advantage off me in this state off being.' But I can't 100% say I would say no to them if they accidentally are to my liking the other way around. But it's a bit mad. 

Meanwhile when it comes to it, I take no action at all since I feel like I don't want to give up this life for a man I feel is not a 100% certain case. Sometimes it's best to overthink before you act and not give in to butterflies at any cost. What if I see them for real and they end up not being to my liking in the end? Then the delusion was fake and that makes it a case off too much doubt to give in to. I'm sorry. Life is precious, my spot in health care can't be any more precious. I can't mindlessly give up on this. I'm glad no one took advantage off me in the meantime. 

Due to apathy I feel like not starting something with him after all and just- go on, ungroomed and weirdly giggling to myself, but madly in love. I'm happy with the feeling. I can look like an ungroomed whale and my house can be to a mess and nothing has to happen since that would be tricky to my life. Not that they aren't deserving off me, I just don't wish to give it. I give it up for no one. I'm too unstable, and love is too tricky to take steps and I don't have the basic needs for a good love relationship. I doubt he would want me at all. I'm not the one to play games with people. certainly not when it's doubtfull. 

While I'm digesting butterflies instead off snacks, I have been thinking off having healthy meals in my own home again on some days instead off at de Boed. Like most people try to do. Most people don't eat at loud community centres against their liking. Why should I? 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading.   

My life sucks this evening.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and it's said temperatures will be even higher the upcomming week. I'm not cheering for it since I do bad on such high temperatures. I rather want temperatures to stick around 20 to 21 degrees celsius. That's high enough. 

*

This evening made me realize how little I have in life and how little I have to share with someone. I got fed this evening, but we had red cabbage from a frozen package, boiled potatoes and meat baked almost burned. And some rum raisin vla for dessert. It's something not suitable for the weather, it's been bad food this evening and next to me someone was out off their mind and in such a mood he yells nazi terms and screams extreme rightwinged things from WWII I don't agree with. Like I might have said before, I have mental trauma's on neonazi's ever since middle school. Someone unreasonable out off their mind like that is almost lethal set on a table with me. It's mental torture the entire evening and care takers aren't cappable to shut him down. I hate the entire violent screaming thing. I had to deal with a bad evening but often when things like that happen, I'm like: 'But my life is like this. Incidents like this happen all the time.' There are always ambulances or stupid incidents going on at de Boed and fights between people are exhausting. I have to keep the man mentioned above on a good term with me since he cuts the vegetables for Wednesday Soup. 

Today was for Paprika soup without paprika. They used all off my red bell peppers for dinner yesterday without me mentioning. I have created something nice more close to sweet potato soup with tomatoes, carrots and fennels in it instead. People thought it was perfect and I had just compliments about what I created, but it was improvising for not having paprika today. I used an entire package off mild paprika powder to replace that. Meanwhile I had mister sushine in the kitchen with me all day. Complaining but trying to cheer me up about being a good cook. He is not as much off a violent jackass when he is more on his calm episodes. But the way it goes is exhausting. Life is like this. I have no one but I live with people like this in my surrounding. He tries to be nice to me, he's still on good terms with me and his level off understanding is pretty low about some things in the world. I have to deal with it. Some people are lethal. 

I have a hard time dealing with it, but care takers keep on telling there is not much to do about it. I have to find a way to shut it out. Often I'm perfectly capable, but it happens so often I feel it's hard to deal with at the moment. Violent people at my dining table are not to my liking, but in psychiatric health care it happens so often. I have no way to escape and go back to my mom. I have no way to escape from this and that plus the bad food made me realize how little I have in life that matters or is good for me, or what I could give to someone. I have such bad memories from childhood on. I keep on doing my best and keep on fighting and try to give them good things from me by preparing soup and baking for them every often. But when it comes to it, it's not enough. It's all that I've got in life, but it's not enough for a fullfilling life and healthy and happy thought patterns. All I have is not enough. I have been realizing that for quite some time about my life. I wish I could escape from this or get the health care that suits me. Not this... Not this violent idiocy all the time. Nasty spots on my clothes from the red cabbage, low quality food, a neonazi yelling in my ears, care takers not handling it well, The uprising temperatures outside... I wish something good would come my way finally.   

Allright, that's about it for now. Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 8th off June, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was uplifting and sunny outside. It was a perfect day to enjoy the sunshine and soak in some energy. Or watch how beautifull the sun shines from the inside, since out is a bit too scorching for my skin, but beautifull it is. (The day is not over yet.) It's better than gloomy winter evenings. 

*

Today was for baking my famous chocolate banana cake, but this time I adapted chocolate chunks to the receipe I invented. Tomorrow everyone will have a nice slice off chocolate cake with their afternoon coffee. Banana cake with chocolate chunks and nuts! Aside to those who are allergic, probably everyone enjoys such a cake. 

I badly remember what else I have done today. It probably consisted out off getting my medication in the morning, then morning coffee, having lunch at de Boed and then back home to make cake, and off to dinner I was. It's a bit off a blur today, I also could have skipped to some superhero outfit and attempted to safe the world somehow today, but I also forgot that. I could have won the first price in a baking contest with my banana cake, but that didn't happen as far as I know. It's probably as how I described it above. The realistic version - not the superhero version. Life is a bit on the boring side. I think I leap up against walls somehow. I wish to do and make more out off life, but like I said- it's impossible these days. I have been wearing a khaki skirt and pastel t-shirts, my style for summer is tidy this year. A bit on the boring and even conservative side, but these clothes feel very comfy and I had the philosophy I could change shirts every now and then if I invested in affordable yet plain clothes. Before baking my shirt was light blue, after baking I skipped to lilac the same model. I skipped to a clean shirt, not to some superhero clothes, - but close enough today after what I have done. I baked chocolate cake, it's close enough I hope. 

My hair and lack off make-up tell people I'm still not a conservative person, I lack to do make-up and I only brush and wash my hair despite to have dyed it recently a golden brown shade over my blonde hair. I could be more clean and groomed, but I have had this fight with myself for years now, ever since I started psychiatric health care I care less about looking good aside to my nice clothes. If I keep basically clean, I could pass as tidy enough for a random stranger walking by and for people on here. If prince charming passes me by he's the one with bad luck. I. Just. Can't. Set. Myself. To. Looking. Good. Comfortable and acceptable just does it. But sometimes I bale for not taking more care like I used to. 

However, People like me the way I am nowadays. It's acceptable. Tomorrow is another day, and I could give it another try. People accept themselves over less than what I do. (That's not a nice remark. But you got the point.) 

If this is the main subject for this weblog, then nothing interesting probably has happened for today. 

I red two new cookbooks I purchased this week and I got inspired by them. The Oven bible and the Salad bible. I love collecting the entire cooking bible range they came up with. I know I told you about that before on this weblog.I have a range off cooking bibles in my house and set up alltogheter it looks kinda impressive allready. New ideas are always fun. Aside to that, life is a bit boring. And I purchased a cookbook on Indonesian cooking which has won an award two years ago, and I got a lot off cookbooks from my mom (She supports me collecting them.) I started a serious collection off cookbooks. Two have won an award and most are written by famous cooks with impressive careers. I like being inspired to take my cooking to new levels every time. I even have a small case for just cookbooks. Before Corona and before my friend died, I used to give small home dinners with receipes I wanted to try for a special occasion. I even made it to a women's magazine with a picture off one off the desserts. Being a hobby cook does well for me sometimes. It was the last dessert I would serve her but she had to go to the hospital and was diagnosed with cancer they couldn't cure anymore. Previous year, some time before the pandemic took place. I have to find new people to cook for every often. Sometimes life isn't fair. I lost a lot off friends the past few years. Not due to the pandemic, but because off fights or things like this. I'm a bit lonesome these days. I'm known to the feeling off loneliness, and it increases by the year so it seems. I wish I had life working for me instead off all off those nasty things taking place. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.   

       

Good evening at the 7th off June, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was warm, summer and sunny weather. It's a promise to summer the weather is increasing the upcomming month according to forecasts. I like the weather despite being very sensitive for incredible sunburns. I love it being light outside longer and the general vibe off summer compared to winter this year. I have been moody and soaked out all winter like you might know. But summer does well on me. I hope we'll keep this type off weather for a long time. At least untill mid september and have a real ass summer. 

*

Today was for making a nice necklace, which was bought by one off the people from my healthcare staff for her granddaughter. 

It's a necklace with three groups off smileys on each side with pink beads in diffrent shades in between. It's fun, it's uplifting, it's something a 4 year old would probably love and I believe I made a 4 year old girl happy with it. I re-did some parts off this for about two times untill I was compete with it. I did my best on making it look well alltogheter and I got paid for it. Only 3 euro's because I keep my prices low because 1. It's a crisis, 2. People in healthcare are on low money and 3. I like to stay fair and affordable with my jewelry these days, or give them away to our outlet for free so they can decide what price they ask and I feel happy by it. That's because I could practice my jewelry making skills with their materials. I had a voice in my head saying 'This prevents visual poverty.' ('Visuele armoede.' - Echt zo'n rare ouderwetse zin waar alleen een stem mee kan komen volgens mij) By keeping my prices low, people with low money can afford it and look fancy. (The logic behind this all.) Though I don't want to sound too rude about it. It can be a sensitive thing to be poor. I'm not rich myself, I hate to think about that. I'm not bankrupt but I have to keep on watching what I spend most off the time. 

 About the necklece, again. The smiley beads with the 'red hats and neck ruffles' representing beads where just too good as a match alltogheter to resist, so when I saw that I decided on creating something. I haven't made jewelry in a long time I believe. I have been mending a few earrings alltogheter lately and that was probably about it for that in months. I'm glad I gave myself the opportunity to create something like this again. Life is getting better now it's sunny outside. There is something in the air I believe. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.